Tuesday, August 25, 2009

No-Drama Obama's Rules To Live By...



For a guy who has to deal with getting called Hitler, a Nazi, a secret Muslim terrorist, an illegal alien from Kenya, and a socialist demonchild on a regular basis, Barack Obama is as cool as they come. If 1,000 insane Birthers shrieking against Barry's evil plot to kill Grandma isn't enough to rattle Barry, is there anything on God's green earth that will?

Yes, my dear friends, oh yes! Turns out even an unflappable man-God like Obama is human after all: he even has a list of pet peeves (gasp!). Ha ha, so much for being perfect. Nice try NObama!

Annoy Obama? Yes We Can! So long as you follow this handy guide on how to piss off a certain cool, collected 44th President with a reputation for being the anti-John McCain (total spazoid!).

Drum roll, please!
  • He's a Dad first and President second, so you best not put something on the calendar that interferes with his First Dad duties or you'll find yourself on the wrong end of one of Barry's signature STFU (Shut The F**K Up) Faces. Not recommended!

  • Remember his nickname, No Drama Obama? Well, you'd be well-served to leave your emotional baggage at the door. This is the White House, not some lame after-school special on Lifetime, capeesh?

  • Okay even Obama can appreciate the fact that no one wants to look at an ugly face all day. But, does he really need the God damn "Shine Police" all up in his grill with their powder and brushes everytime he goes on the telly? Seriously people, get a life, take your frilly blush brushes with you, and leave the poor man alone--wrinkles be damned!

  • Speaking of getting a life, here's a tip for all you photographers and assorted media types out there: Stop with the annoying click-click-clicks every two seconds. Sure, we appreciate the man's rock-hard abs, sexy, chiseled core, and sculpted physique as much as the next person, but I mean how many bare-chested bathing suit shots do you need? Oh, and screw up his golf game one more time with your lurking presence, and let's see how much access you'll have when he tosses your ass into a padded cell in Gitmo. How's that sound?

  • While we're on the topic of hot bods, here's an easy one: Let the dude have his workout. Day, night, it doesn't matter, just find the man a friggin' gym! "If there’s no workout time, he’ll get a little upset." Everyone needs a way to unwind. Clinton did it with blowjobs, Bush preferred bike-riding and bombing people, and all Barry's asking for is a quick game of H-O-R-S-E. Is that really so much to ask? Someone get this man a Spalding!

  • Which brings us to his highness' other sports-related irritation: When "folks try to get him to wear baseball gear for teams other than the White Sox." The nerve! What do you people not understand about the fact that this proud South Sider only rocks the black and white. So take your Cubbie blue and Yankee stripes and go F yourself. Or find someone else to bother, I'm sure Rahm's around here somewhere.

  • Give the brother some breathing room."If you spend too much time telling him where to go, how you get there, and everything in between, it drives him crazy." In other words, he already has one mother (two if you count Mama Robinson), and doesn't need another, thank you very much. "He also doesn’t like too much instruction" or when people regurgitate what he's already read in a briefing book, seeing it "as a waste of time." Sorry, we're not used to presidents who can read more than pop-up picture books. Our bad!
  • Rounding out the Obama no-no list are "people who talk too much at meetings and prevent others from speaking." So, no chatterboxes or speed freaks. Also on his sh*t list are, "people who aren't prepared, who don’t communicate directly or have half-baked ideas, and speechwriters who give him "wishy-washy" language.

So basically, you should be fine. As long as you're not dumb, lazy, annoying, bossy, obnoxious, loud, stupid, intrusive, a Cubs fan, a cosmetologist or in other words, your average American, there's nothing to worry about. He's very easy to get along with!

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