Saturday, January 30, 2010

From Bailout To Ball Out, Obama Brings His A-Game To The House (Republican Caucus)

Another day, another prime-time opportunity for President Barack Obama to embarrass the entire Republican Party on live national teevee! Hooray!

Surprising? Not really. Warranted? Most definitely.

It's all part of President Obama and the the Democrats' well-meaning plan to try and portray Republicans (correctly) as deviant, power-hungry obstructionists who ruin everything and care about nothing ('cept of course money, oil, and other assorted riches of the right).

Which is why Barry decided to take a gander over to the ol' lion's den, known as the Republican House Caucus, himself to chat mano-a-mano with his bitter rivals in the Grand Old Party of NO.

Rivals like orange glow-in-the-dark House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) who Obama thanked for the invitation by quipping, "You know what they say, keep your friends close, but visit the Republican Caucus every few months."

HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Get it?? Cause that's like his enemy!

So, President Obama met with House Republicans at their annual group sex therapy rehab session policy retreat in Baltimore to have a nice, polite, bipartisan discussion about why the GOP has been acting like a bunch of lunatic nutjobs ever since a certain chocolate-hued menace assumed the presidency.

"Having differences of opinion, having a real debate about matters of domestic policy and national security, that's something that's not only good for our country, it's absolutely essential,” Obama said.

But acting like a bunch of unhinged douchebags every time the proposes a sound, sensible policy to help struggling Americans (even if it's in line with GOP principles), is not exactly what Obama would call good leadership or savvy politics.

"If you were to listen to this debate, and frankly how some of you went after this bill, you'd think that this thing was some Bolshevik plot--I mean, that's how you guys presented it."

"If the way these issues are being presented by the Republicans is that this is some wild-eyed plot to impose huge government in every aspect of our lives, what happens is that you guys don’t have a lot of room to negotiate with me."

"The fact of the matter is, many of you, if you voted with the administration on something, are politically vulnerable with your own base, with your own party because what you've been telling your constituents is, "This guy's doing all kinds of crazy stuff that's going to destroy America.'"

"We have seen some party-line votes that have been disappointing. I didn't understand then, and I still don't understand, why we got opposition in this caucus for almost $300 billion in badly needed tax cuts for the American people."

"A lot of you have gone to ribbon cuttings for the same projects that you voted against. I say all this not to re-litigate the past, but it's simply to state, the component parts of the recovery act are consistent with what many of you say are important things to do."

Wait, are you saying sending the president back to Kenya was part of the recovery effort??

Then came the really interesting part, in which Obama began fielding questions from caucus members, only to turn the Republicans' questions against them again and again in typical Obama smackdown fashion, accusing the GOP of obstructing legislation for political purposes and offering solutions that won't work.

"I've read your legislation. I take a look at this stuff. And the good ideas we take."

But considering you're a bunch of brainless neanderthals, there's not much to take anyway.

"I am not an ideologue. I'm not," Obama said."It doesn't make sense if somebody could tell me you could do this cheaper and get increased results, that I wouldn't say 'great.' The problem is, I couldn't find credible economists that would back up the claims that you just made."

And no, sorry, Orly Taitz does not count as a credible economist, so it'd best for everyone if she just stuck to her blossoming real estate agent-attorney-dentist-birther leader career.

"So all I'm saying is, we've gotta close the gap a little bit between the rhetoric and the reality."

Asked if he had time for more questions, Obama said he wasn't in any hurry to leave since he was having so much fun manhandling these idiots so up close and personal. Bring 'em on!

"I'm having fun," Obama said. "This is great."

God, it feels good to be right!

Less so for Rep. Jeb Hensarling (who the f??), whose rambling, nonsensical question about spending was naturally met with all the respect such an important, noble question should command.

After interrupting him right in the middle of his red-faced incoherent rant and coming thisclose to actually getting his name right, Obama proceeded to respond.

"Jim (Jim, Jeb, what's the diff?), I know there's a question in there somewhere," Obama said."Because you're making a whole bunch of assertions in there, half of which I disagree with, and I'm having to sit here listening to it. At some point I know you're gonna let me answer it."

Awww, snap! Jimbo done got played!

But, don't worry, because Republicans, like Arizona Rep. Jeff Flake, know the event helped his party by showing that Republicans have offered alternatives to Obama's plans, other than their newly unveiled strategy, "hell no" and "drop dead."

"The real effort here was to convince people out there that we have offered solutions, we've offered things," Flake said. "For him to say, 'Yes, I've read your proposal; it's a substantive proposal' — that's good. That's a huge thing for Republicans."

Think about it! For the president of the United States to actually say, Yes, I've read your legislation (if we can even call it that) and it's pretty much the total piece of sh*t everyone thought it was, is as good as it gets. Huge! Huuuuuuge, I tell ya!

What'd you think, they call him Flake for nothing?

Yes, the GOP is alive and well, my friends!

Any more questions?

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Barack Obama's State of the Union: Put Up or Shut Up! Please??

Well folks, it's been one whole year since Barack Obama rode a wave of hope and goodwill to become America's first semi-colored president before disappointing us all with the harsh reality that he is not in fact Superman, and as such, does not have the magical ability to don a cape and instantly wipe away the world's woes with a single wave of his perfectly smooth hand.

Ha ha loser!

If you're not drunk, or in the process of voluntarily losing millions of brain cells, my condolences. You should be. Makes the whole State-of-the-Union thing that much more palatable. No one wants to watch Congress act like one big retarded wind-up doll for 60 never-ending minutes; try it sober and you'll understand what torture really is (aside from having ice-cold bottles of water poured over your head in a luxurious blindfold upside-down spa bath).

So what does President Barack Obama have to say for himself nearly one year after he FAILED to transform this nation from bankrupt Bushwhacked pariah to prosperous global piiiimp?

Surely, he'll will hit up all the key words and phrases we Americans expect, no, make that need to hear from our leader in order to feel good about about our obese, capitalist, consumer-driven way of life once again. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Words that make people burst from their seats in a wild surge of patriotic pride and affection, and also the intrinsic need to not be the one a-hole grimacing like a douchebag (think Joe Lieberman) when the President of the United States says things like "jobs creation" and "educating the youth."

Everyone, except Republicans, who only stand and cheer for phrases like "war," "terror," "Wall Street" and of course, their personal favorites, anything with the words "nuclear" or "profit" in it. You wanna see a Republican get really excited and instantly turn into an energizer bunny? Just whisper the words "oil" or "drill" into their ear and see what happens. They go nuts for it!

Unlike those Supreme statues in the front who wear their finest mumus and poker faces and DO NOT stand for anybody under any circumstances whatsoever.

Seriously, Obama can stand literally ten feet in front of the entire front-row of sitting Supreme Court Justices and call out them out for being the terrible 1,000 year old human beings that they are ('cept for that Soto chick he picked), and reversing a century of legal precedent allowing corporations and other special interests to spend--without limit--in our elections. Meaning Morgan Stanley (the investment bank) will now be able to spend the same amount as Stanley Morgan (the check-out guy at the local grocery store) to help decide the next U.S. president. Hooray!

And yet the fancy pants mannequins in the front row remain stoic and motionless, trying so very hard to not make any gestures or show the slightest trace of emotion, for fear their deep secret of being actual humans may be revealed.

Which isn't as easy as it sounds! Oh no, there goes Samuel Alito doing the opposite of "not making a gesture," by shaking his head, mouthing "not true, not true" in what can only be described as a desperate attempt to appeal to all those South Carolinians pining for another Joe Wilson-like hero with Tourettes to rescue America from these terrible NObama lies.

But, alas, those good old days are long gone, now that health care is dead and the economy is dead and Ted Kennedy is dead, and hope and change are as dead as the dickens and our miserable failure of a leader is forced to go before a gathering of hungry predators (Congress) to give some pathetic excuse about why it only took him 12 months to ruin the country when it took George W. Bush eight whole years to destroy America.

"At the beginning of the last decade, the year 2000, America had a budget surplus of over $200 billion. By the time I took office, we had a one-year deficit of over $1 trillion and projected deficits of $8 trillion over the next decade. Most of this was the result of not paying for two wars, two tax cuts, and an expensive prescription drug program...All this was before I walked in the door."

Whoa, whoa wait just a minute there, fellow! Are you implying that the presidency of George W. Bush Junior is to blame for the financial mess we're in? What a terribly impolite thing to say about the former president of these United States! How dare you even mention the great #43, let alone use something as RUDE and ELITIST as actual facts.

"Too many Americans have lost faith in our biggest institutions: our corporations, our media, and yes, our government...It's time to try something new: let's invest in our people without leaving them mountains of debt."

Hmmm, go on?

"By the time I'm finished speaking tonight, more Americans will have lost their coverage." Wooohooo!! Oh wait...that's a bad thing, right?

"Here's what I ask Congress, though: Don't walk away from reform. Not now. Not when we are so close. Let us find a way to come together and finish the job for the American people. Let's get it done."

Okay, now everyone cheer for America. And freedom! And diversity! And working together to solve problems and make America a better place! YAY!!!

Wonder where he's going with all this hippie-dippie, love your neighbor crazy talk?

"This year, I will work with Congress and our military to finally repeal the law that denies gay Americans the right to serve the country they love because of who they are. It's the right thing to do."

Arrrrggghhh! Oh no, not more freedom and equality sh*t like letting the gays also have a chance to die in war. It makes the military brass very uncomfortable and everyone knows their comfort is far more important than constitutional rights or having military personnel with the ability to translate Arabic into a civilized language like English. Heterosexual English, that is.

"From the day I took office, I've been told that addressing our larger challenges is too ambitious; such an effort would be too contentious...our political system is too gridlocked, and that we should just put things on hold for a while."

"You see, Washington has been telling us to wait for decades, even as the problems have grown worse...Well, I do not accept second place for the United States of America."

You hear that people? Silver is for losers like the Chinese or British. Gold is for winners like Glenn Beck and the rest of the Fox News team head over heels for the shiny metal of champions.

"I campaigned on the promise of change--change we can believe in, the slogan went. And right now, I know there are many Americans who aren't sure if they still believe we can change--or that I can deliver it."

"But remember this--I never suggested that change would be easy, or that I could do it alone. Democracy in a nation of 300 million people can be noisy and messy and complicated. And when you try to do big things and make big changes, it stirs passions and controversy."

"We have finished a difficult year. We have come through a difficult decade. But a new year has come...We don't quit. I don't quit. Let's seize this moment--to start anew, to carry the dream forward and to strengthen our union once more."

In other words, Democrats: thank you, and please continue trying to solve problems. Republicans: drop dead. Problem solved!

Now, that's change we can all believe in!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Why Won't Dems Just Pretend Health Care is Nintendo and Press the Reset Button?

OMG, why didn't we think of this sooner? The Republicans' ingenious new strategy is so brilliant in its sheer simplicity that it only needs two letters to sum it up entirely: N-O.

It's true! Much like their old approach of lies, obstruction, and manipulation, the new, improved GOP message has evolved and refined itself over time to strike the perfect balance between tradition and progress.

No longer limited to the usual boring yet straightforward "NO," the GOP's new plan includes such diverse reactions as "Nay," "No way," "No freakin' chance," "Hell no," "Not a chance in hell," and the always encouraging, "Not over my dead body."

You see, the GOP cares deeply about the American people and nothing would make them happier than passing a comprehensive health care reform bill to help average folks get access to quality, affordable insurance. In fact, in terms of sheer desirability level, it's right up there with passing kidney stones. A real hoot!

Which is why trustworthy, hardworking GOP heavy hitters like John McCain, Mitch McConnell, and Jim DeMint are hitting up the talk show circuit to explain to the American people, the wise sensibility and unparalleled brilliance behind their freshly revamped "Just Say No" campaign.

Now that they've won 41% of the seats in the Senate, thanks to that big-hearted liberal nuisance Teddy Kennedy being replaced by a much younger, hunkier, albeit less caring, Cosmo model by the name of Scott Brown, the Republicans know the time for real action has come.

It's time for Democrats to kill the health care reform bill and start over (from scratch!) because why wouldn't they waste all the time and effort they've already spent to please a party that won't be satisfied until health care is as dead as the poor, sick Americans whose lives depended on it.

Of course, if Democrats would just agree to "start over," the Republicans would be more than willing to support the health care reform they've spent the last six months mercilessly destroying because they care about average Americans as much as the next guy. They do!

If only the meany Democrats would try a little harder to include these very delicate Republicans in the process, they wouldn't be forced to derail the whole thing in the hopes that thousands and thousands more preventable American deaths (caused by their inaction), maybe just maybe the big break they've been waiting for to finally give Barry the ol' heave-ho back to the Kenyan countryside where he belongs.

But nooooo! The Democrats have no interest in turning the clocks back six months, putting partisan politics aside and starting afresh, with the slate wiped clean. They simply don't care about helping people who are not white and rich. Sorry.

Then, the Democrats can come to the table ready to tackle an insurance industry that's been fleecing the public for years and the Republicans can come to the table ready to tackle the Democrats and whatever Socialist devil plan they have up their sleeves to provide the public with actual health insurance that won't kill or bankrupt them.

It shall be the greatest defeat since Napoleon's infamous 1815 last stand at Watergate or was it Loo? Mwahahahahahaha!!

But if the Dems agree to press the reset button and "start over" on health care, the Republicans must also promise to do the same for George W. Bush and his brilliant eight year reign of peace and prosperity over America.

Let's see, just give us back New Orleans, the Ozone layer, our rights, our jobs, the economy, the housing market, the Constitution, both Twin Towers, the trillions of dollars wasted on fruitless wars to NOT capture bin Laden, the 5,346 U.S. soldiers who lost their lives fighting in the desert wastelands of Iraq and Afghanistan, and then maybe just maybe we'll consider it even.


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The (Heart) Beat Goes On: Rush Limbaugh! The Musical Hits the Stage Jan. 31

Remember last month when Rush Limbaugh had the whole nation in a tizzy, praying and holding candlelight vigils in the hopes that Jesus would swoop down from the heavens and help nurse their dear leader back from obesity and drug related heart problems so he can continue spewing racist, hate-filled rants as the undisputed king of right wing radio?

Well, you'll no doubt be happy to know that Rush's evil and saturated-fat clogged heart lived to beat another day and brighten our lives with the joy and optimism that comes with listening 24/7 to a disgruntled misanthrope who hates his life and never got laid in high school.

But surely not as happy as the good folks at Second City, who know a "healthy" Rush can only mean one thing: the show must go on!

Fresh off their smash hit about Illinois' deranged lego-haired ex-crime boss governor, Rod Blagojevich Superstar!, Chicago's Second City will be delighting audiences with their original production of Rush Limbaugh! The Musical opening Jan. 31.

But that all depended on the exhausted, cholesterol laden heart of El Rushbo. If something had happened to Limbaugh, "I don't think we could've done it," Second City President Kelly Leonard said. The show "requires a very healthy Rush. I want him eating well."

Don't worry, Kelly, that's one request, I'm sure he'll be more than happy to oblige.

Featuring appearances by good friends, though not of the narcotic variety, like fellow conservative cranks Ann Coulter, Karl Rove, and Donald Rumsfeld, Rush Limbaugh! The Musical is a thrilling ride from Rush's humble beginnings as a pimple-faced college dropout named Rusty Sharpe all the way to his meteoric rise as the lovably obese God of wingnuts, whackjobs, and white supremacists we know and love today.

Coupled with a musical score called "Dispirit of the Radio," featuring a compilation of hit Broadway shows like Spring Awakening, Wicked, and Rent, the production of the talk show host's formative years (ha ha, literally) is a "grossly exaggerated tale."

Much like its grossly overweight, intellectually exaggerated star!

Monday, January 25, 2010

South Carolina Lt. Gov. André Bauer Doesn't Think We Should Feed Animals Like Poor School Children

André Bauer, the allegedly heterosexual lieutenant governor of South Carolina (the other governor was too busy having the good kind of extramarital sex--hetero, that is--to run the state) doesn't believe in a few things, namely being honest about his total gayness and also giving handouts to every poor, pathetic pov who crosses his holier-than-thou path.

Lt. Gov. André Bauer, who is running for the Republican nomination for governor, made his remarks during a town hall meeting in Fountain Inn that included state lawmakers and about 115 residents.

"My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed. You’re facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don't think too much further than that. And so what you've got to do is you've got to curtail that type of behavior. They don’t know any better," Bauer said.

Bauer later told The Greenville News he wasn't saying people on government assistance "were animals or anything else."

Far from it! Just because these vile, mindless vermin without the ability to pay for themselves are a pox on society doesn't mean we should cast them off to die cold and alone in some abandoned warehouse on the side of the road. Not at all!

After all, he is a compassionate man who simply doesn't believe in free lunch. Literally! Or reduced-price lunch for that matter. As granny used to say, before Obama slaughtered her, if ya can't pay full price, get yer ass out the kitchen!

I mean let's get real here people! In South Carolina, 58 percent of students (aka rodents, vermin, and feral cats) depend on the free and reduced-price lunch program, which may seem like a good idea, but is really just another fancy-shmancy liberal name for a mouse trap.

Trust André, he knows.

"You go to a school where there's an active participation of parents, and guess what? They have the highest test scores. So what do you do? You say, 'Look folks, if you receive goods or services from the government and you don't attend a parent-teacher conference, bam, you lose your benefits.'"

You see, parent-teacher conferences are like kill shelters where mangy street walkers go to be put out of their misery and relieve the rest of us from the burden of having to look at such societal disgraces. Which is exactly why these parents must be forced to attend such things!

Accountability, responsibility, and all that other good stuff leaders talk about, usually before getting caught using state money to fund their wild sex romps through the Appalachian Trail to extramarital sex and messy divorce proceedings.

Bauer is just trying to help make the world a better place for our children and our children's children and their children and everyone's children who aren't dumb and poor like all those ratty kids living in his home state.

"So how do you fix it? Well you say, 'Look, if you receive goods or services from the government, then you owe something back'...We don't make you take a drug test. We ought to. We don't even make you show up to your child's parent-teacher conference meeting or to the PTA meeting."

"We're going to have to do things like that. We can't afford to keep just giving money away to people who don't have to do a thing."

You go André! Spread the word about how contrary to popular opinion, welfare isn't all the glamorous, high rollin', pimpin' lifestyle of the rich and famous that most people think.

That way, maybe they'll finally get their asses off the hamster wheel known as welfare and join the great rat race known as life by picking themselves up by their own two hind legs for a change.

Then, only after they earn it themselves, can you in good faith throw crumbles of moldy cheese at their terrified, malnourished feet.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

The Democrats Brilliant New Health Care Strategy: Abandon Ship!

Well here's a new, terrible idea about how to proceed on health care that makes no sense, meaning it is only a matter of time before the lovely Democrats decide to run with it, full steam ahead!

In the wake of the Dems' embarrassing defeat at the hands of a Cosmo centerfold turned teabagging sensation in the arugula-eating gay mecca of Taxachusetts, Senate Health Committee Chairman Chris Dodd (D-CT) is suggesting that Democrats should "maybe take a breather for a month, six weeks" from health care reform, since the "much-needed break would allow lawmakers to regroup and focus on other issues."

Yes, that'll show 'em! Nothing shows strength, resolve and a united front in the face of adversity like running away screaming at the top of your lungs at the first sign of distress.

But, yes, everyone listen to Chris Dodo head because what better time to make a mad dash away from health reform than before anything is actually accomplished? That way, when you fail, at least you can say you didn't try that hard!

Plus, just think of all the momentum you'll have from your wild sprint from health care to tackle all those other pressing "issues" like bank regulation and Wall street oversight, what with everyone still focused on the health care reform that never happened and all.

I mean it's not like regulating Wall Street so it no longer feasts solely on the misfortune of others is a hard task to accomplish or anything, since unlike health care, there's no lobbyists, competing interests, or lawmakers with ulterior motives that may threaten to derail the whole thing.

Not to mention how hot the populist words "jobs" or "a bill to create jobs" are right now, which should make it a total breeze to pass through the worst, most dysfunctional institution in the history of mankind, the U.S. Congress. Hooray!

So, thank you Chris Dodd for your brilliant suggestion to ignore health care for oh, let's say the next six weeks or so, until no one remembers they're dying but too broke-ass to pay for it anyway, and Congress can once again look like the proud, effective cornerstone of democracy that it is.

Of course, Chris doesn't really care either way since he'll be retired and chillin' with his hot man tan on a Connecticut beach this time next year.

But not everyone thinks cutting and running is the best move if President Obama and the Democrats hope to pass his signature issue, health care reform, at any point before being tossed out of office in a wave of insane teabagger-fueled hysteria.

Like former Democratic chairman and token rabble-rouser Howard Dean who had some sharp words for the Dems following their crushing blow in Massachusetts.
"We've got to be tougher. I've said the Democrats are not tough enough. Bush would have had the health care bill done a long time ago. He would have gone through reconciliation."
Ha ha that's cute, Dean! Except for the little fact that has Bush never even heard of the word reconciliation, let alone ever be caught actually doing something as pussy as that.

Besides, the only bills Bush rams through anything are ones that involve invading oil-rich countries, taking away our liberties, trampling the constitution, killing polar bears, fleecing the public, oppressing the gays, fattening his wallet while bankrupting the rest of us, and keeping him and Dick nice 'n cozy calling the shots as the Decider(s)-in-Chief.

Not trying to help poor, sick losers he doesn't even know get health care or something gay like that. Who do you think he is, Jimmy Carter or something?

Friday, January 22, 2010

Cindy McCain Shows Her Support For Gays, Tries To Kill Husband In The Process

Much like hubby John and sassy daughter Megs, maverick blood courses thick through Cindy McCain's once pill-addled veins.

Sometimes, this rogue gene manifests itself on the campaign trail in the form of profanity-laced tirades directed at her dear old husband for "ruining her life" and forcing her into the smooth, chiseled, youthful arms of another with those silly presidential shenanigans of his.

Other times, Cindy's inherent need to rebel comes in the form of getting her mouth duct-taped shut for a soft pornography shoot, as the newest, surgically-enhanced face of a pro-gay marriage campaign. Yay!

"Posing with tape over her mouth and a "NOH8" logo on her face, Cindy McCain was photographed for the NOH8 Campaign, which protests Proposition 8, the California proposition passed in 2008 banning same-sex marriage, and currently being challenged in federal court."

Naturally, John is perfectly fine with both beautiful blondes in his life coming out to support the gays by dabbling in some light S&M and thus crushing any remaining shreds of the old man's chances to ever reach the Oval Office.

"The McCains are one of the most well-known Republican families in recent history, and for Mrs. McCain to have reached out to us to offer her support truly means a lot," the NOH8 Website says.

"Aligning yourself with the platform of gay marriage as a Republican still tends to be very stigmatic, but Cindy McCain wanted to participate in the campaign to show people that party doesn't matter - marriage equality isn't a Republican issue any more than it is a Democratic issue."

It is simply an electability issue. Which is why it is to be spoken by no one, but certainly not by anyone with any real presidential aspirations.

In that case, what are you so worried about John? No one is voting for you either way, silly!

But just in case, America is gripped by collective Alzheimer's and forgets all about the great Palin-McCain trainwreck of '08, Johnny Mac over here is hedging his bets on one thing most people will always remember: to discriminate against that one flamboyant and/or flannel clad group of sinners, them fightin' gays.

Ooooh, and maybe just maybe he'll finally be able to ride that senior citizen wave of fear and ignorance into power, where his supreme white male authority as head of house, the White House that is, will finally go unchallenged.

John McCain’s office said in a statement that the Arizona senator respects the views of members of his family but remains opposed to gay marriage.

"Sen. McCain believes the sanctity of marriage is only defined as between one man and one woman."

A loveless, miserable union between one shriveled old man, his much younger, hotter, richer wifey, and whatever strapping young gent she's boning on the side. Just like God intended.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Is Scott Brown the White, Naked Version of Barack Obama the GOP's Been Waiting For?


What's that you hear? Oh, just the agonizing cries of Teddy Kennedy from six feet under as he watches his life's work be ripped to shreds by a male prostitute model who loves tea. Or is it bags?

Either way, the important thing here is that Massachusetts has taken a stand against America's precarious slide toward Socialism and the preposterous idea that every citizen deserves access to affordable, quality health care. Puh-lease! That's reserved for the good people of Massachusetts and them alone, thank you very much!

You see, here in the homo haven of Taxachussetts, they already have mandatory health coverage (the best in the nation!) so to be honest they don't really give a hootenanny what happens to the rest of you poor, pathetic schlubs. No offense or anything.

It's true! Why else would dumb Massachusetts want to replace its southern neighbor Connecticut as the worst thing to happen to these United States since unleashing that Joe Lieberman disease upon the world?

Certainly, there must be some reasonable explanation why the most liberal state in all the land just elected a gas guzzling, truck-drivin' Republican with a penchant for baring it all in glossy magazine spreads as the newest Senator to go to Washington to enact change by refusing to cooperate with that colored man on any plans he may have to achieve said change. This is a non-negotiable rule and oath every proud Grand Old Party member must take before serving the people as their elected obstructionist representative.

So the big question for Democrats becomes what to do now that their precious supermajority is no more? Should they simply concede victory to the Republicans and hand over complete control of the White House and Congress now instead of dithering around until the actual elections officially hand them their unceremonious exits?

In fact, since this means the end of health care reform as we know it (a retarded three-toed sloth), and certainly the end of that dismal FAILURE Barack Obama's 365-day disaster, why doesn't Scott go ahead and assume his rightful place as the exciting, new president of these United States?

He has all the necessary criteria: like our current commander-in-chief, he's a formerly unknown state senator catapulted into the national stage by getting elected to the U.S. Senate. He's got mad sex appeal, is young, fun, and knows a thing or two about wooing the ladies. Plus, unlike many of his Republican brethren, he is not a closeted homosexual trolling for anonymous man tail in Minneapolis airport men's rooms. Or at least, so far.

Clearly, his unprecedented success at defeating a terrible candidate in a wild, teabagger-fueled anti-incumbent (and anti-government) wave of hysteria means this man is ready to lead the country, effective immediately.

Hell, why not just swear the guy in now and save everyone the trouble of having to actually vote. That way, we can immediately begin repairing the 12-month catastrophe of Barack Obama and those terrible Democrats, and get things back to George W. Bush's blissful eight-year reign of peace and prosperity, nostalgically referred to as Pax Republicana.

Then I think we can all say Mission Accomplished!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Game Change Reminds Us Anyone But Obama Would Mean Game Over For America

Guess what America?? Even though our country is broke, no one has a job, health care is on the skids, and it is getting painfully obvious that Mother Nature wants us gone for good, there's still something to be thankful for: that those other lunatic nutballs trying to win the White House back in '08, didn't.

At least, according to hoity-toity New Yorker book critic Hendrik Hertzberg in his review of the hottest election tell-all to hit the shelves, Game Change, by veteran reporters John Heilemann and Mark Halperin. (Sorry to all those Sarah fans out there, but the fictional children's book Going Rogue didn't meet the requirements of "not being total bullsh*t").

After devouring all 464 pages of this profanity-laced, dysfunction laden presidential free-for-all, Hertzberg, like the rest of us, was able to make a number of conclusions.

Some, like
the fact that "presidential candidates and the members of their entourages are inordinately fond of the word 'fuck' and its derivatives," isn't exactly earth-shattering but mere reminders that politicians are human too (albeit foul-mouthed ones) and as such, like to sound cool and powerful by showering their speech with as many F-bombs as they can possibly cram into a sentence.

"When he first learned the outcome from his number crunchers, what he thought was, Well, we’re fucked," John Edwards' reaction to losing in Iowa.

"Why the fuck do you think I'd want to go sit outside a Wal-Mart and hand out leaflets?" John Edwards' wife, Elizabeth, objecting to a campaign assignment.

"Unfuckingbelievable!" Clinton said, upon being accused of citing the assassination of Robert Kennedy as a reason for her to stay in the contest.

"Fuck you! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!" John McCain, with "both middle fingers raised," scolding his wife, Cindy, for interrupting him.

"No fucking discipline." Obama's diagnosis of the chaos in McCainland.

But beyond our leaders' proclivity for potty talk, Game Change, does reveal some deeper, darker secrets about the sanity, intelligence, and character of our beloved candidates.

Some of course less shocking than others.

"The portrayals of the rest of the cast are reasonably consistent with what informed readers already knew, with flaws and foibles usefully filled out. Palin emerges as even more ignorant than one supposed, and considerably more unstable." Nothing surprising here.

Under the pressure of debate preparation, she regularly retreated into a "catatonic stupor," prompting the McCain campaign to discuss the "threatening possibility that Palin was mentally unstable." It was decided that if it looked like McCain might actually win in November, they would have to relegate Ms. Palin "to the largely ceremonial role that premodern vice presidents inhabited, considering it to be inconceivable that if McCain fell ill or died, the country be left in the hands of a President Palin."

Even trigger-happy Dark Lord of the GOP, Dick Cheney, called McCain's VP pick, a "reckless choice," believing the Alaska governor was unprepared for high office, though apparently still better than that illegal Kenyan terrorist with the funny name, winning smile, and ability to actually relate to everyday people, other than those with the last name Bush.

You know, "normal" people, like the unbelievably dysfunctional duo of John Edwards and wifey Elizabeth, who staffers described in such glowing terms as "abusive, intrusive, paranoid, condescending, crazywoman." The two fought openly over John's alleged affair (and lovechild!) with Rielle Hunter. But that's not it!

You see, Dame Elizabeth viewed herself as a "worldly intellectual" and publicly called her husband "a hick" and his parents "rednecks," snazzy $400 haircut or not.

"She was forever letting John know she regarded him as her intellectual inferior," mocking her husband as somebody who "doesn't read books."

Well it's a good thing Lizzy's literate enough to read aloud to poor, dumb Johnny all about how it feels to be married to an insufferable, egomaniacal asshole like him!

Speaking of healthy, stable marriages, the only thing shakier than John McCain and Sarah Palin's political "marriage" was the real one between the old man and Cindy.

According to the authors, McCain strategist John Weaver suspected the rumor that Cindy McCain had a "long-term boyfriend in Arizona was rooted in truth." Hmmm, perhaps the fact that the pair had been sighted all over town in the last few years was a tip-off?

But either way, our delightful almost-First Family "fought in front of others, during small meetings and before large events, to the amazement and discomfort of the staff."

Apparently, Cindy McCain accused the senator of ruining her life, that she never wanted him to run again for president, and that "when it came time to film campaign videos of the couple, the camera crews had to roll for hours to capture a few minutes of warmth." Adorable!

Compared to the other candidates' trainwreck lives, the Clintons' unique relationship almost seems like a functional one. Almost.

Turns out, Hillary Clinton, or Hillaryland as the former First Lady's inner circle was known, was full of distrust, secrets, betrayals, and a more than sneaking suspicion that hubby Bill's sporadic outbursts and unnaturally red face may not be the only issues the campaign need worry about.

Could Billy's Willy be once again rearing its ugly head?

Clinton's "war room within a war room"--which she put together to deal with questions about her husband's "libido"--became convinced in 2006 that Billy boy was having a serious extramarital affair, prompting Hillrod to instruct her aides to be prepared to combat the story (should for some crazy reason it be proven true).

Bill's wandering eye, followed by Lord knows wandering what-else, was also apparently the reason Hillary came thisclose to turning down the Secretary of State job, until a late-night call between her and Obama convinced her to take the gig, despite her concerns over that incorrigible hubby of hers, Bill.

"You know I can't control him, and at some point he'll be a problem" Clinton told Obama who assured her that he was willing to take that risk.

A gamblin' man, eh? Truth is, he's handled bigger dicks than that before (usually with the last name Cheney), but then again Cheney never belittled Barry by scoffing that "a few years ago, this guy would have been getting us coffee."

Which brings us to the coffee-fetcher turned commander-in-chief, Barack Hussein Obama.

The authors describe the Obamas' marriage as a model one, "Obama adored his wife and didn't even bother to pretend that he enjoyed anyone else's company remotely as much as he relished being with her and their daughters." The weasel!

Wait, it gets worse.

"Barack Obama is the only principal whose aides do not experience moments of suspicion--or, in the cases of Edwards and Palin, weeks of certainty--that their candidate is unfit for the office that he or she seeks. Only the future President is exactly what he seemed to be: calm, determined, a little aloof, immune to the snares of anger or vengefulness."

"Game Change
leaves one reassured that the voters, given the choices before them, chose well."

Yeah, if they wanted a boring, smart, sane man who loves his wife and family, and makes decisions based on fact and rationality, not to cover up the demented sh*tshow that is their lives, as leader of the free world.

Guess you could say normal is the new rogue.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Scott Brown Blames Those With Ears For Dumb, Stupid Scott Brown Comments

Pretend moderate and former Cosmo nudie model Scott Brown is doing his best to blow any and all chance of snagging Ted Kennedy's coveted senate seat, thus relieving the good people of Massachusetts from years of elite liberal oppression.

Being in the über-liberal queer paradise of Massachusetts, Scott Brown may be smart enough to pretend he's never so much as heard of that rag-tag group of freedom fighters affectionately known as teabaggers, but he's apparently too dumb to realize that calling the President of the United States a bastard may not be the best way to win a one-way to ticket to Washington to attend to the very important task of derailing health care reform and spitting on the grave of Ted Kennedy.

Here is the lovely, albeit fully-clothed, Mr. Brown during the 2008 Republican convention, defending the "good, core values" of Mother-of-the-Year Sarah Palin, whose savvy parenting skills include just one unwed, pregnant teenage daughter, out of three possible chances. Which Scott thinks is pretty darn good!

Unlike that illegitimate lovechild Barack Obama whose shadeball parents probably weren't even married when they popped out li'l Barry somewhere in the Kenyan wilderness.

BROWN: And quite frankly, Barack’s mom had him when she was, what, 18 years old?

GUEST: And married!

BROWN: Hahahaha, well, I don’t know about that.

HAHAHAHAHAHA, a real hoot! Semi-black illegals don't do normal AMERICAN things like exchange vows, but okay, whatever you say about Obama's parents being "married" and all. Sure, he'll buy it. Wink, wink.

But wait! What's this latest response from Scott Brown spokesman Eric Fehrnstrom about Obama being born (or possibly even hatched) out of wedlock?

"He doesn’t believe that. This is more desperate campaigning from Martha Coakley. When she isn't calling for higher taxes, she's making things up about Scott Brown."

She's even transforming herself into a 51-year-old one-time supermodel in order to make Mr. Nice Guy Scott Brown look like some sort of mindless fool on national teevee!

It's all Martha's fault, of course! She's the one who dressed in drag and went on air to say those terrible things about Barry's family. Not sweet, Scott! COAKLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But for some strange reason, the Dems aren't buying what Scott's selling, with DNC spokesman Hari Sevugan firing back at the latest nonsensical claim by Republican strategists:

"Why did he say it then? Whether it's on this issue, or choice or taxes, Scott Brown has a disturbing and telling history of saying one thing at one time, and another thing later on. The only thing that's clear is that Scott Brown is not who he says he is."

You mean a male model?? Well, excuuuuse him for being humble and not wanting to make everyone else look bad.

Being really, really ridiculously good looking isn't his fault. Must be that dang Martha again!

Battle for the Bay: Martha Coakley vs. Scott Brown

Saturday, January 16, 2010

What Can Brown Do For You? Other Than Kill Health Care and Ruin America...

Scott Brown, So Conservative, Yet So Cosmo!

Oh no-zees! Democratic nerves have hit an all-time high (at least for this year) over the ever-so-close Senate race in the original birthplace of the teabagger, Massachusetts.

These nervous nellie Dems have decided it's time to hit the panic button and break out the big gun to win next Tuesday's do-or-die Senate race in Massachusetts.

Translation: It's time for Barry to head down to the land of gays and taxes to once again save the Dems from a toxic combination of their own incompetence and a Republican wet dream by the name of Scott Brown.

You see, Martha Coakley, Ted Kennedy's heir apparent and supposed shoe-in for Massachusetts' now vacant Senate seat, is in danger of losing her fancy shmancy liberal laces--marking the first Democratic boot by Republicans since the 1950s. Gasp!

Because if Coakley loses, then Democrats lose their 60-seat majority (cause they've been so effective with it??) in the Senate, and health care will likely be nothing more than the dying gasps of opportunity lost and Grandma as her creaking, ol' uninsured bones are tossed out the hospital door.

So the Dems have decided to do what they always do when there's problem they can't solve (no, not Maria silly, Republican senate hopeful Scott Brown): call in Barry to make it all better!


In this case, that means stop the sudden momentum of thorn-in-the-side Republican impostor Scott Brown, who is hoping (and praying no doubt) that the good people of Massachusetts suddenly forget they don't do the whole "Republican" thing and come out en masse to vote for him next Tuesday. Or just the older, more racist Massachusetts crowd. That'd be fine too. Either way.

But wait, what's this you say, Scott? You're not a real Republican? Because no Republican would ever get elected from the gay mecca of Taxachusetts, especially with the Grand Old Party's insistence upon 'round the clock racism, homophobia, and lightly veiled threats of violence against the government.

"The allegation that I vote 96 percent of the time with Republicans is inaccurate, but I'm proud of the fact that I’ve stood up against out-of-control spending and taxation in Massachusetts," he said.

He also claimed that he was unfamiliar with the "Tea Party movement," when asked by a reporter. Ha ha, whatever you say, Scotty!

And when told that different people labeled him a conservative, moderate and a liberal Republican, he responded "I'm a Scott Brown Republican."

The kind who snags Cosmopolitan magazine's very important "America's Sexiest Man" centerfold almost three decades before running around trying to steal a dead man's senate seat so he can kill the one piece of legislation said dead person dedicated his entire life to achieving.

Ya know, the good kind of Republican.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Sarah Palin's Favorite Founding Father is "All of 'Em," plus Jesus

So, Sarah Palin's latest foray into the presidency as the popular, new Fox News airhead anchor got off to its usual painfully awkward start when the lovely lady from Wasilla was shockingly unable to answer a single question that requires more than a simple yes or no answer.

Like when Glenn Beck asks her to name her favorite founding father (which should be a snap since she loooooves America so much), and following a few uncomfortable seconds of her squirming nervously, groping desperately for a name, any name, she is still unable to come up with any coherent answer and (in a Katie Couric interview-from-hell flashback) is forced to resort to the ol' emergency response, "all of them."

To which even a man-child with the brain capacity of an inert gas like Glenn Beck is compelled to cackle hysterically and call "bullcrap" on such an obvious affront to intelligence.

But, then just as Beck tries to giggle and flirt his way out of humiliating her highness, a miracle of miracles!

Jesus swoops in, and like an angel from heaven, saves the day by whispering a name softly into her ear...

George Washington, yes, George Washington!

Of course, that's her favorite founding father because well, he's the only one she could think of but also cause she always loved that cherry tree story with the honesty and the hatchet. (They don't have very many cherry trees in Alaska, ya know!). And also his bravery and diversity (whatever the hell that means) and all the other random adjectives she can think of to generically describe one of the great patriots of freedom she doesn't know a whole lotta 'bout!

And so, Sarah once again proves that Jesus saves.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Pat Robertson Shows his Usual Compassion in Wake of Massive Natural Disaster

With Jerry Falwell's old bones resting comfortably in eternal hellfire, the world looks to that other, still-living fundamental Christian lunatic for peace and comfort during these trying times.

Naturally, Pat Robertson was there to lead the way, much like he does whenever a massive natural disaster ravages the Earth, killing or injuring hundreds of thousands of poor people, by blaming it on said poors and their unChristian worship of Satan, all for his very important Disaster Relief Fundraiser work.

You see, what history buffs may consider to be cohesive political action that helped abolish slavery in the West, people like Pat Robertson consider to be part of a Satanic pact to destroy civilization. (We can only assume as part of the larger, homosexual conspiracy).

"Something happened a long time ago in Haiti and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French, uh you know Napoleon the third and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French."

"True Story, and so the Devil said 'OK it's a deal.' And they kicked the French out. You know, the Haitians revolted and got themselves free. But ever since they've been cursed by one thing after the other, desperately poor."

"That island is Hispaniola is one island. It's cut down the middle. On one side is Haiti on the other side is the Dominican Republic. Dominican Republic is prosperous, healthy, full of resorts, etc.. Haiti is in desperate poverty. Same island. Uh, they need to have, and we need to pray for them a great turning to God and out of this tragedy. I'm optimistic something good may come but right now we're helping the suffering people and the suffering is unimaginable.

So, to make a long story short, Robertson thinks that the Haitians, much like the victims of Katrina (who ironically also happen to be of the dark skin variety), made a deal with the devil some 200 years ago--for freedom--when they should have known their place as slaves, and as a result are simply feeling the wrath of an angry God, in the form of the deadly earthquake we see today.

Tough titties. Didn't Pat always warn what happens to those who forsake Jesus? Or are gay? Or are black? Or are poor?

They end up six feet under like Pat's dear friend Jerry.

'Cept they don't go directly to the 9th circle of Hell near the frozen lake of blood and guilt, so they might not get a chance to send Pat's regards.

But, don't worry Pat, we're sure God reserved a nice cozy place for you, right between your old pals Jerry Falwell and Adolf Hitler.

Oh, and remember that homo teletubby Tinky Winky causing all that trouble?

Well, you'll be happy to know Tinky's become Satan's favorite plaything.

It'll be just like home!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

New Jersey Just Says No to Gays, Yes to Purple Haze

Ay, New Jersey, you make us so proud (not the queer kind obvs!). It's always nice to see the land that originated electric-beach bronzed men with greasy hair and muscles bulging from skin-tight wife-beaters is keeping its priorities "straight."

Priorities like keeping those pesky hetero wannabees away from the alter and the sweet ganja a comin' in the ol' Garden State of opposite sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll.

You see, here in New Jersey, life is more than just Tony Soprano and the class and glamor that is Jersey Shore. In fact, the fine folks of Jersey believe some things in life are sacred. Like the government telling you who you can (straights) and can't marry (gays) and what kind of plants you can (weed) or can't smoke (opium).

Because New Jersey understands a few things when it comes to human decency and compassion. Like how it's only okay to discriminate against people for being gay, not for being sick.

Which is why the fine lawmakers in the Garden State have decided to protect the sanctity of marriage by prohibiting those ghastly gays from having any part in the blessed union of one piece of Jersey trash to another opposite sex piece of Jersey trash like God intended. Bada-bing!

But if you're chronically ill (ha ha chronic), you can take a puff puff of the sweet sticky icky without feeling like a no-good dirty criminal thanks to the New Jersey Legislature's measure to legalize the use of marijuana to help patients with severe illnesses like cancer, AIDS, Lou Gehrig’s disease, muscular dystrophy and multiple sclerosis.

"I'm in heaven," Nancy Fedder, a 62-year-old multiple sclerosis sufferer, said after the Senate vote. "It means I am no longer a criminal in the state of New Jersey."

Just don't do anything crazy like trying to marry Barbara, or it's back to the parole board for you Nancy!

Democratic Assemblyman Reed Gusciora, a co-sponsor of the bill who pushed for it for years, said medical marijuana can alleviate suffering and there's no evidence it increases overall drug use.

"I don't think we should make criminals out of our very sick and terminally ill," he said.

That's reserved for homos, thank you very much.

"It’s nice to finally see a day when democracy helps heal people," said Charles Kwiatkowski, 38, one of dozens of patients who rallied at the State House in support of the measure. "The M.S. Society has shown that this drug will help slow the progression of my disease. Why would I want to use anything else?"

I don't know, maybe 'cause you're gay?

"I truly believe this will become a model for other states because it balances the compassionate use of medical marijuana while limiting the number of ailments that a physician can prescribe it for," Mr. Gusciora said.

Sorry, as of now, being gay does not qualify as a disease. But rest assured, they're working on it!

Scott Ward, 26, who suffers from multiple sclerosis, said he had been prescribed marijuana to alleviate leg cramps so severe that they often felt "like my muscles are tearing apart."

"Now, I can do normal things like take a walk and walk the dog.” Not freak things like gay marry the person you love. Fuggedaboutit!

What are you high or something??

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Sarah Palin Ditches Facebook to Become True 21st Century Fox

If ya can't beat em, join 'em

Sarah Palin, who decided to up and leave her cozy, bear skin seat in Alaska's Governor's Mansion in order to bash the evil media 24/7 on Facebook, has now opted to throw in the towel on the social networking scene to join the dark side (along with the rest of her fellow washed-up wingnuts) as the latest contributor to the downfall of broadcast journalism as Fox News' brilliant, hot, new television pundit.

But, don't worry America, she's not selling out or anything because everyone knows Fox News isn't really news anyway. Oh, you betcha!

Now, America's most precious Alaskan import will be able to wail and moan about Obama's evil death panels (to murder Grandma and baby Trig) and the meanies from the McCain campaign who had the audacity to tell her to open a book before humiliating herself and the party in live debates on national television at
the nation's top-rated cable news channel instead of through her very important Facebook page. Yay!

In a press release announcing the deal (Sarah doesn't do the whole "live" thing), Palin said she is is over-the-moon about the opportunity to be a contributor at Fox News.

"I am thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at Fox News. It's wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balanced news."

Not to mention, a place that doesn't require the pesky liberal concoction known as facts.

Palin will appear as a commentator on various Fox shows and will also host an occasional program examining inspirational tales involving ordinary American citizens called "Real American Stories.

Ooooh, a real American story!! Since the Palins are the epitome of a normal American family, ya know, complete with a dysfunctional, loveless marriage, an unwanted teen pregnancy, a baby daddy pursuing his porn career posing in Playgirl, a snowmobiling secessionist father who calls himself First Dude, a rogue mother who is God's personal messenger on Earth, can see Russia from her front porch but isn't sure what the hell Africa is besides the name of the chart-topping single by 80s rockband Toto.

Unlike the rest of the anti-American socialist families out there whose kids actually go to college after high-school and aren't well-versed on all the delicious ways you can serve the freshly-skinned moose you just shot and gutted right outside your front door.


Monday, January 11, 2010

Game Change: The E! True Hollywood Story of the Election That Rocked the World

"This shit would be really interesting if we weren't in the middle of it."
—Barack Obama, September 2008

Ooooh, this is juicy!

The hottest book since Sarah Palin's magnum opus Going Rogue delighted an entire nation, Game Change from veteran reporters John Heilemann and Mark Halperin, has once again electrified the public. Err, that is, if you consider lonely bloggers and lame policy wonks members of the "public."

But then again, who doesn't enjoy seeing seemingly normal, respectable people act like one of the demented idiots from a bad episode of Jersey Shore?

For all those who simply haven't had enough of last year's elections (get a life?), Game Change offers readers an insider's look into what really went down during 2008's historic presidential campaign, with all the fun-filled, shameful moments you've come to expect from your elected officials.

As an extra bonus to you, the lovely readers, included in this rare, behind-the-scenes gem is primo dirt on all the fan favorites from last year's campaign, such as Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton and everyone's favorite philanderin' spouse Bill, the somewhat less popular sexual miscreant, fallen southern gentleman John Edwards, his lovely "wife" Elizabeth, plus all the bizarre John McCain/Sarah Palin freakshow drama you can stomach. And then some!

But let's start at the top, with the main man himself, the star of last year's show, President Barack Obama. Certainly the savvy reporters behind Game Change must have found something weird, true and freaky related to our beloved Barry.

Turns out they did. His name is Joe Biden.

Yep, much like the man's uncanny ability to put his foot in his mouth, Joe Biden's relationship with Obama wasn't exactly rainbows and sunshine. Rather, the relationship was what insiders would describe as a less-is-more approach. As in, the less Barry had to do with the man, the better for everyone.

According to the book, the tensions began in September of 2008 when word got back to Obama’s campaign headquarters that Biden boasted to reporters on his campaign plane that he was more qualified than his running mate to be president.

"A chill set in between Chicago and the Biden plane," Halperin and Heilemann write. "Joe and Obama barely spoke by phone, rarely campaigned together.”

Aides not only kept Biden off internal conference calls but refused to even tell him they existed. Instead, a separate campaign call was regularly scheduled between the then-Delaware senator and two of Obama’s top campaign aides – "so that they could keep a tight rein on him."

Not helping matters was the fact that Obama's VP selection seemed to develop an acute case of Tourette's Syndrome every time the cameras rolled, in that whatever words came out of his mouth did not always match whatever thoughts were going through the ol' brain of his.

After weeks of one gaffe-filled statement after another, Obama finally had enough of his straight talkin' pal after his now infamous prediction that an Obama victory would all but guarantee an international crisis of apocalyptic proportions.

Fed up with the trainwreck that was his running mate Joe Biden, Obama finally lost his trademark cool (well after the rest of us less self-controlled hotheads would) and went off on his advisers during a conference call.

"How many times is Biden gonna say something stupid?" he demanded angrily before taking a few deep breaths, some drags on a ciggy and once again composing himself with the sweet reassurance that no matter what sh*t may be going down with his running mate, it couldn't be any worse than the black plague McCain unleashed upon the world.

Ah yes, even Joe Biden's big mouth was no match for Sarah Palin's small, possibly unstable brain.

Too bad John McCain was too busy holding townhall meetings with his friends that he didn't have time for other things like vetting his potential running mate past the how do they look in a pantsuit stage?

Before she was tapped as the vice presidential nominee, McCain’s campaign team devoted only five days to vetting Palin and her seventy-four-part questionnaire. But Palin herself only spent a few hours filling it out – an act which had "consumed weeks for other short-listers." Ultimately, a forty-two-page vetting report of Palin was strung together by McCain’s team in a matter of 40 hours.

Definitely a well thought-out idea. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Frustrated over the campaign following her disastrous interview with Katie Couric (if you can even call it that), Sarah Palin said she regretted accepting the Republican vice presidential nomination. "If I’d known everything I know now, I would not have done this," she said.

No, this does not include whether Africa is a country or the name of a single newspaper, magazine, or periodical (not related to hunting & fishing) in the country.

McCain’s high command, already worried about her lack of eating and drinking and fearing that she was suffering from post-partum depression, convened a conference call and discussed whether she was mentally unstable. WHETHER?

Hmmm, wonder what they decided? Let's see, is the pope Catholic and the sky blue?

Of course, Sarah Palin dismissed Game Change as lies and half-truths (from the liberal media elites), with her loyal spokeswoman Meg Stapleton telling anyone who wants the whole truth to read the real, ghostwritten version of reality known as Going Rogue.

"The Governor's descriptions of these events are found in her book, 'Going Rogue,'” said Stapleton. “Her descriptions are accurate. She was there. These reporters were not.”

They don't live in Sarah's head. Only Sarah does. And sometimes God. But He doesn't usually stay very long. Gets cold easily.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Former Bush White House Official (Not Named Dick Cheney) Charged With Attempted Murder of Wife, Self

Former Bush administration Deputy Counsel (and all around swell guy) John Michael Farren has left his wild days as the go-to guy for all legal issues concerning President George W. Bush and the White House in order to spend some quality time trying to kill himself and his lovely wife Mary at their upscale suburban Connecticut home, two days after she presented divorce papers over what she called his "explosive temper." Hahaha, women.

Apparently, Farren figured what better way to enjoy his idyllic, post-political life than by choking his darling longtime wife and beating her senseless with a flashlight before turning the knife on himself and threatening to slit his wrists in a beautiful homicide/suicide combo act of devotion.

Only slight problem being neither John Michael Farren nor his wife Mary are actually dead. Whoops.

So now Mr. Hot Shot attorney whose savvy legal knowledge was used not by one, but both Bush presidents (coincidence?), is spending his peaceful private sector days languishing in a jail cell where he's being held on attempted murder and first-degree strangulation charges for $2 million bond. Ha, chump change. Thanks to Bush's nice tax cuts, even someone in the White House's second salary bracket should have no problem covering that.

"We are saddened to hear the news," said David Sherzer, spokesman for George W. Bush. "This is a personal matter and we will not be commenting on it."

Fred Fielding, Farren's former boss in the White House counsel office, said, "This report is sad and stunning, and completely out of character to anyone who knows or has worked with Mike."

Usually, former Bush staffers get away with their crimes.

But then again their experience is typically more of the high crimes against humanity variety. Attempted first-degree murder of a spouse is soooooo vanilla.

Friday, January 8, 2010

It's Not Stealing When Your Name is Michael Steele

Waaaasup peeps, it's big pimpin', off-the-hook chairman Michael Steele rolling all large and phat with his boyz in the Republican National Committee like the badass mofo that he is.

Only problem is, thanks to the big spendin' ways of Mr. Balls of Steele, the RNC is almost as broke as the rest of those pathetic weasels and miscreants trying to get Uncle Sam to pay for every silly life-saving procedure their little malfunctioning hearts desire.

Turns out, the Republican Party is raking in the dough...except of course for the part that Michael Steele runs. And a 2009 spending spree has left the Republican National Committee with its worst election-year cash flow this decade. That's whack, yo!

Thing is, when Michael Steele took over as the hippest chairman and dopest youth liaison to ever grace the Republican National Committee, the organization was ballin', with $22.8 million in cash and no debt. But ever since the Steele man started calling the shots, the RNC suddenly finds itself with only $8.7 million in the bank heading into a year with 37 governors’ races, a dozen major Senate races, and dozens more races in the House. What up wit dat!?

According to one RNC official: "It is very troubling, and the thing is, most people don’t understand this. But it is really troubling."

"They’re spending money at 2002 levels when they are not raising money at those levels,” said another GOP operative. "That kind of thing worked when RNC was awash in money, but you can't do that in this environment."

Apparently, idiocy only works for Republicans during bull markets.

"Steele's setting us far back with his comments and it needs to stop," one senior Senate aide said, adding that the RNC chairman was a "fool."

Good thing is there are plenty of people willing to "take care" of the (Michael Steele) problem--for a price. Of course, getting him to shut that big trap of his costs extra.

"He has made no progress in walking back the recent comments (about the GOP's inability to lead)...In fact, he dug the hole deeper by appearing unprepared and uneducated...Aides are collaborating with each other, both on and off the Hill, on ways to keep him quiet."

How hard can it be? Just give the dude something fun and sparkly to play with. That should keep him busy for the next couple of days or so. Or at least long enough to not destroy the party before the 2010 elections.

Then it's time for the Steele to shine. Or rust. Either way.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Change He/She Can Believe in: Obama Appoints Transgender Woman to Commerce

Ummm, yay?

Sometimes friend of the gays President Barack Obama recently named Amanda Simpson to be a Senior Technical Adviser to the Commerce Department. Weird thing is Amanda over here used to be a test pilot named Mitchell Simpson.

"I'm truly honored to have received this appointment and am eager and excited about this opportunity that is before me," Simpson, a member of the National Center for Transgender Equality's board of directors, said in a statement. "As one of the first transgender presidential appointees to the federal government, I hope that I will soon be one of hundreds, and that this appointment opens future opportunities for many others."

Whoa, slow down tiger! Let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

But I guess Obama wasn't kidding when he said his approach to delicate GLBT issues would be a transitional one.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Meet Allen Quist, Chief Commander of the GOP War on Democrats, Terror, and Reason

Oh Minnesota, how we adore thee. From your fertile land and bountiful lakes has sprung some of the most wondrous and sane civil servants this fair country ever been blessed with. Humble servants of the Lord like Rep. Michele "slit your wrists for freedom" Bachmann and God willing, (we're lookin' at you Jesus), Allen Quist, a Republican candidate seeking the nomination for Minnesota's 1st congressional district against Rep. Tim Walz, a terrible Democrat.

Much like beautiful, blue-eyed freedom warrior Michele, Allen Quist isn't just any attention-starved, desperate GOP candidate with a hard nose for terrorism and a soft spot for Jesus Christ.

You see, Quist understands something that most other Republicans simply do not (no, not that God created the Earth in six days): The real threat to America is not the terrorists, but something far, far worse: Democrats. Gasp!

"Now why am I doing this? I don't need to be in lights, I don't need to speak, I don't need to be before a TV camera, I don't need to be in the paper. I have been there, I have done all that. I don't need to be there," said Quist, a former state Representative who ran for governor twice in the 1990's.

"It's because I, like you, have seen that our country is being destroyed. I mean, this is--every generation has had to fight the fight for freedom. This is our fight. And this is our time. This is it. Terrorism, yes--but that's not the big battle. The big battle is in D.C., with the radicals. They aren't liberals, they're radicals. Obama, Pelosi, Walz--they're not liberals, they're radicals. They are destroying our country. And people all over are figuring that out."

Quist also railed against the health care reform bill to ruin America and put Grandma out of her misery.

"This is the most insidious, evil piece of legislation I have ever seen in my life… Every one of us has to be totally committed to killing this travesty...I have to kill this bill."

Move over Quentin. Kill Bill Vol. III, the Final Solution starring Allen Quist in theaters now.

Free teabags and authentic Barack Obama Kenyan birth certificate to first 100 ticket holders.

Monday, January 4, 2010

No Rest For The Weary: Obama and Co. Return Home From Hawaii

Well, well is this anyway to spend a vacation? Suddenly Mr. President of slacking thinks it's just fine to eat snow cones and spend time with his family while the rest of us losers are left freezing, bored, and terrified that the only thing separating us from fiery death 20,000ft above ground isn't our top notch homeland security, but rather the incompetence of a single virgin-crazed Nigerian.

At least Rush Limbaugh had the common decency to have a heart attack during his Hawaiian vacation.

Not our playboy president. Instead, spending fun-filled hours in the sun talking to
NSC chief of staff Denis McDonough and Homeland security and counterterrorism adviser John Brennan about the Christmas Day bomber that failed to properly explode and how in Allah's name this al-Qaeda wannabe on the no-fly list managed to mosey his way onto a flight with some explosives in his undies and no one batted an eye until he turned into a badly burned bag of gourmet Jiffy Pop.

So welcome home, lazybones.

At least our last President knew how to take a vacation like a real, responsible commander-in-chief. It's the remaining 250 days a year that gave him trouble.