Friday, December 31, 2010

New Study Proves What We All Suspected: It's Not A Person's Fault They're Conservative, It's Their Damaged Brain!


Bored sexless scientists in dreary old Londontowne, England have discovered what most of humanity has already long suspected: scientists are boring, socially awkward, sexually deprived dweebs with a bit too much time on their hands. Err, wait, we didn't need a study to prove that.

What we did (apparently) need a study to prove, however, is that conservatism is a brain disorder and those who lean to the right are actually a bunch of mentally deranged freaks of nature.

This isn't just a bunch of liberal ballyhoo, this is actual science!

Turns out scientists at University College London discovered that people who cling to a more conservative ideology have a larger amygdala, the part of the brain that controls "anxiety and emotion," (think a weeping Glenn Beck), as well as a smaller anterior cingulate, which controls bravery and optimism (think Anger Bear Papa O'Reilly).

According to the Telegraph:
Prof Geraint Rees, who led the research, said: "We were very surprised to find that there was an area of the brain that we could predict political attitude."

"It is very surprising because it does suggest there is something about political attitude that is encoded in our brain structure through our experience or that there is something in our brain structure that determines or results in political attitude."

Prof Rees and his team, who carried out the research for the Today programme on BBC Radio 4, looked at the brain make up of the Labour MP Stephen Pound and Alan Duncan, the Conservative Minister of State for International Development using a scanner.

They also questioned a further 90 students, who had already been scanned for other studies, about their political views.

The results, which will be published next year, back up a study that showed that some people were born with a "Liberal Gene" that makes people more likely to seek out less conventional political views.
So there you have it, folks. It is no longer some wild, groundless assumption or crazy hackneyed stereotype to say that conservatism is a brain disorder. It has now been definitely proven by this one 90-person study.

So the next time you get in a heated debate with your 90-year-old Aunt Nelly about whether Obamar is really a secret Muslim terrorist Socialist from Kendonesia or gays are gross, disease spreading abominations who deserve to be shipped off to some crowded island of homosinuality (Manhattan?), not granted actual human rights, remember this simple undisputed scientific fact: conservatives are all mentally impaired mutations who are stupid and idiotic. And brain-damaged.

They can't help themselves. They were born that way!

Hey, don't get mad at me. Get mad at science!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Gays Are Coming! The Gays Are Coming! Meaning Rightwing Nutjobs Are CPACking Their Bags & Heading For The Homo-Free Haven Better Known As Denial


America's favoritest wingnut conference "CPAC" has shined the bright spotlight of hate on many a rising rightwing star, such as the inimitable Sarah Palin/Palin Family Inc.™, adorable giraffe necked alien Ann Coulter, off-the-hook Republican National Chairman of hip hop Michael "Straight Out Da Streets" Steele, and of course, every other Republican wingnut with dreams of putting a White Man back in the once-pure White House.

But all of CPAC's rockin' celebrity appeal and sizzling star power has some hard core (and we don't mean the xxx kind) fringe far right family groups very angry. So white hot raging angry in fact, that some purer, moral souls like the Family Research Council and Concerned Women for America, have gone so far as to boycott the conference now that the terrible gays have been invited.

And not just any gays but the kind of overt, out 'n proud filthy homosexuals, conservatives and John McCain have spent their whole lives or last two months trying to keep out of the military and away from sacred hetero altars because of security and the bible and the sanctity of shotgun weddings in Las Vegas.

At least according to the #1 news source for all things morally pure and Jesus-approved, World Net Daily:
Two of the nation’s premier moral issues organizations, the Family Research Council and Concerned Women for America, are refusing to attend the Conservative Political Action Conference in February because a homosexual activist group, GOProud, has been invited.
Oh no! Not the GOProud and their terrible, self-loathing gay cooties!

Of course the decent folk over at the Family Research Council and Concerned Women for America won't meet the awful hell-bound homos at CPAC; they much prefer their secret homosexual trysts undercover, anonymous and in Minneapolis airport mens' rooms like normal closet cases simmering in their own sinful same-sexuality shame. Just look for toe tapping and a wide stance.

Surely, the straight-as-speedo-wearing-squiggly-line, lisping manly man behind (ha ha, behind!) “Americans for Truth about Homosexuality” has something to say about these fabulous queer-free developments.
“Excellent. It is gratifying to see FRC and CWA respond appropriately to CPAC’s moral sellout of allowing GOProud as a sponsor,” said Peter LaBarbera, president of Americans for Truth about Homosexuality, the nation’s best-known organization dedicated exclusively to opposing the homosexual political agenda.
“Shame on CPAC for defending the absurd proposition that one can be ‘conservative’ while embracing moral surrender — in this case the idea espoused by GOProud of the government granting ‘rights’ and benefits based on sinful sexual conduct long regarded as anathema to biblical and Judeo-Christian values,” LaBarbera added.
OMG, like sooooooooo true! Surely, Mr. Peter LaBarbera knows a thing or two about the scourge of homosinuality considering his entire livelihood is based on his unwavering dedication to ensuring the proper penis-vagina ratios (1:1) in every bedroom, highway rest stop, abandoned church parking lot, and act of Christ-blessed coitus across the land.

It's not like he participates in any of this unholy man-on-man deviance. He is against homosexuality, after all! It's just that, unlike say, you , me, and most everyone else on Earth, his job requires him to constantly think about rock-hard cocks, and all the tasty places they should and shouldn't go, as far as men's anuses and mouths, 'round-the-clock, every waking hour of every single day.

Because everyone knows that a person with a name like "Peter LaBarbera" would never, ever get caught on a 10-day European gaycation with the "luggage handler"/"male prostitute" he hired at Rentboy.com, or snorting methamphetamine off a gay hooker's penis, before sucking it to completion.

Heavens-to-Betsy, no! Such sick abominations are reserved for all the other vehemently anti-gay, violently homophobic, not-at-all-suspicious right wing Christian closet fruits who like nuts, such as George Rekers, Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, and every other oddly outspoken critic of sinful butt sex whose last name does not consist of a women's name and the world's faggiest prefix 'La' stuck in front of it.

On the bright side, at least someone will still be free to wave 'God Hates Fags' signs at fallen gay soldiers' funerals like normal, decent God-fearing, gay-hating, straight-as-a-salt-pillar Christians.

Just as Jesus LaChrist intended.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Barack Obama Calls Philadelphia Eagles To Congratulate Them On Michael Vick, First Dog Bo No Longer Barking To Him


Does Bo know about this?

President Barack Obama, aka Barry from the block, called up the owner of Philadelphia Eagles, Jeffrey Lurie, to thank him for giving former dog-killing star quarterback Michael Vick a second chance in the NFL, and not only because it makes Obama's beloved Chicago Bears' week 12 win over the Eagles actually look impressive. No offense Kevin Kolb.

According to Sports Illustrated's Peter King, Barack Obama had two things to discuss with Eagles owner Jeff Lurie: the redemption of Michael Vick and the alternative-energy plans Lurie unveiled this fall for Lincoln Financial Field.

"The president wanted to talk about two things, but the first was Michael,'' Lurie told me. "He said, 'So many people who serve time never get a fair second chance. He was ... passionate about it. He said it's never a level playing field for prisoners when they get out of jail. And he was happy that we did something on such a national stage that showed our faith in giving someone a second chance after such a major downfall.''

So, you're saying there's still hope for Tiger?

The aggressively conservation-minded Lurie, who believes the team can save $60 million in energy costs with the new eco-friendly renovations, told Obama he was happy to put a plan like this in place, but he wouldn't have done it unless it made some financial sense. "It's good business for us, which is the point,'' Lurie said. "We talked about policy and what he hopes can happen with alternative energy, and he raved about us being the first to put a plan like this in place.''

"He's a real football fan,'' Lurie said. "He loves his Bears. He really follows it. He knew how Michael was doing. It was really interesting to hear.''

Almost as interesting as all the crazed "Michael Vick is a serial dog murderer and reprehensible scumbag who deserves to be skinned alive, not given a second chance" outrage from furious fans.

The same furious fans, mind you, who couldn't give a flying fig about large athletic men, say, murdering actual people, or raping women, but suddenly lose their freakin' minds when it comes to murdering man's best friend, right before biting into a juicy, delicious 16oz Porterhouse.

Well, I say kudos to President Obama for congratulating a team for having the courage (balls?) to snag an electrifying, one-of-a-kind player every other team foolishly wouldn't touch with a field goal pole all out of fear of the potential pooch-related moral outrage of their fans.

Of course, it helps that Philly fans don't exactly have the same moral standards as the rest of humanity, and will not hesitate to boo Santa Claus and/or Jesus Christ if he so happened to rise from the dead and land in Lincoln Financial Field.

Despite what outraged PETA (and jealous Giants and Redskins fans might lead you to believe), President Obama is right. People who have paid their debt to society, and served their time deserve a "level playing field." And that field is a synthetic grass pro football field, where ex-felons get paid millions of dollars to throw an oval ball made of skinned pig leather or whatever, and leap onto, or avoid (depending on the position), piles of 300lb grown men in tights 16 days a year.

Sorry Bo, the long, winding road to redemption (and fantasy football championships!) is paved with second chances, Michael Vick, and the scattered remains of starved and beaten pit bull carcasses.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Mitt Romney's Christmas Card Reveals He's Either Running For President Or Taking On China's Economy With His Own Strapping Mormon Workforce


Guess which grandchild heard that Papa might run again?

The one that's hyperventilating, sobbing, "No, papa, noooooooo!!!"

Look, Mitt, I don't know which one of your perfectly adorable, weirdly named, ridiculously large Mormon brood heard you were running for president again, and frankly, I don't much care.

Nor does anyone in this great big God-blessed nation much appreciate some dumb Christmas card featuring a partial litter of Romneys and some insultingly dumb "hint" about how everyone's fave Mittens is going to once again waste millions of dollars battling it out with Sarah Palin in the ultimate campaign showdown of GOP politicians' with annoyingly-named children vying for the once-in-a-lifetime once-every-four-years chance to get humiliated by Barack Obama in a national election.

Yay!

Oh look, here is the inside of Romney's Christmas card/Quadrennial White House bid depicting the precise moment when the rest of the magical Mormons come skipping out of the enchanted gum drop forest to join Papa Romney on his epic journey to possible Iowa straw poll victory before losing the nomination to someone much older or dumber, depending on what's in vogue for Republicans this year:


Holy Holidays! It looks like the Palins and the Romneys are also in a hotly contested race to outbreed each other too.

That or Mittens isn't taking any chances this time around, and is simply begetting his own electorate instead.

Which is a great idea, Mitt! Just get everyone in your really really ridiculously good looking family to register to vote and Holy Brigham Young! you've got that Republican nomination locked up tighter than one of your sixteen wives' chastity belts.

So remember folks, a vote for Mitt Romney is a vote for endless war, endless economic stagnation, and endless environmental devastation.

Hell, if those pictures are any indication, the man's never pulled out of anything in his life!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Is Everyone's Fave Straight-As-A-Southern-Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham About To Be Outed As A Deviant, Army Distracting Homosexual?


South Carolina's favorite sexually ambiguous native son, lifelong bachelor, and lesbian look-a-like senior Senator Lindsey Graham is always reliably against deviant homosexuals having any basic human rights in America because well, Lindsey's a Republican, y'all!

And not just any gay-bashin' war lovin' rough 'n tumble conservative from below the Mason-Dixon line, but a certain effeminate, never-been-married gent (which pretty much proves everything), whose been hounded by gay rumors ever since he first pranced on the political scene back in the '90s when Right Said Fred was still doing his little turn on the catwalk.

Sadly, despite all of Lindsey's noble efforts to distance himself from the hideous queers by trying desperately to keep them away from America's sacred heterosexual altars and military barracks, the rainbow rumors just won't go away!

Even his convincing declaration in a 2009 New York Times Magazine interview, "I ain't gay" isn't enough to keep the not-at-all-suspicious spring out his perfectly straight step.

To make matters even worse, gay rights activist and world famous outer of closeted, hypocritical, self-loathing politicians, Mike Rogers, claims to have "pictures of a man who spent the night" with Sen. Lindsey Graham, which is absolutely CRAZY because everyone knows Republicans cannot be gay because of Jesus 'n the bible 'n stuff.

But Mike Rogers' Twitter account says otherwise:
I wonder if Lindsey Graham knows I have pictures of a man who spent the night at his house. pls RT
– 10:57 AM Dec 18th
Just reached lawyer at home. Meeting set for Tues. on releasing pix of man who spent night at Lindsey Graham’s.
– 11:05 AM Dec 18th
But what ever does Mr. Rogers (sorry, I couldn't resist) mean by "pictures of a man who spent the night" at Graham's house? Pictures of his secret little boy toy/luggage handler scurrying furtively from his front porch wearing nothing but a silk robe and slippers? Candid shots of a loving embrace, steamy goodbye kiss or otherwise compromising position of the Senator and his special man friend?

Perhaps it was just his bestest friend in the whole world, John McCain, paying his fellow Grand Old Patriot a friendly visit for a quick round of Twister while discussing all the terrible "gay distractions" swirling around the old man's deranged, rapidly deteriorating mind?

Because one thing America will not, cannot afford is all these God-awful "gay distractions" causing once full-bodied, straight-as-an-arrow soldiers to suddenly go gay crazy, start blowing one another, only to get their limbs blown off and turn the entire United States Armed Forces into a bunch of limbless sissies, who'd probably be waving not mighty, beautiful red, white, and blue stars 'n stripes, but hideous rainbow and pink triangle flags.

If only they still had their arms.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

No One Asked But McCain's Still Telling...He's A Bitter Old Man Who Hates The Gays Almost As Much As NObama & His Own Pathetic, Miserable Life


Rejoice America because John McCain's deranged, one-man stinky rotten loser, raging bull destroy-Obama crusade to keep awful gay and lesbian soldiers from admitting they're in fact awful gay and lesbian soldiers is now as dead as the old man's last remaining neurons and synapses.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of the usually insufferable but occasionally decent, ol' Independent Joe Lieberman and scrappy, hard-fighting, justice-seekin' Mormon Majority Leader Harry Reid, the Senate finally achieved its first successful repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell after only 500 pathetic attempts, and like, 17 shameful years, by an official vote of 65 decent human beings to 31 bitter, bigoted old white men.

Hooray!

But just because a policy granting decency and basic human rights to members of our Armed Forces is good for equality, good for justice, and good for America, does not mean it is good for John McCain. We wouldn’t want to have too many civil rights in a gloriously free society such as our own, now would we?

No, no we certainly wouldn't! Unless you're a hippie dippie queer-lovin' Democrat!
“I don’t care who you love,” Senator Ron Wyden, Democrat of Oregon, said as the repeal debate opened. “If you love this country enough to risk your life for it, you shouldn’t have to hide who you are.” [...]

“I’m not here for partisan reasons,” Carl Levin, a Michigan Democrat, said. “I’m here because men and women wearing the uniform of the United States who are gay and lesbian have died for this country, because gay and lesbian men and women wearing the uniform of this country have their lives on the line right now.”
Oh great, so now the line is gonna be all gross and gay now, too!

Good thing one rapidly deteriorating (though, not fast enough!) Senator by the name of John McCain will not stand silently by as desperately-needed civil rights are tossed around willy-nilly to every fatigue-clad homosexual spreading security and sin in every nook, cranny and underground bunker around the world.

Them gays will get rights over his (medically declared) dead body!

"So here we are about six weeks after an election that repudiated the agenda of the other side," McCain wheezed in a bizarre, rambling floor speech, one part argument and four parts temper tantrum.
"You think: 'what this bizarro world that the Majority Leader has been carrying us in of cloture votes on this, votes on various issues that are on the political agenda of the other side, you somehow think that beginning next January 5, we will all love one another and kumbaya?"
Yeah, suck it faggots!
"Today's a very sad day. The commandant of the United States Marine Corps says when your life hangs on the line, you don't want anything distracting," McCain insisted, doing his best impression of Miss Runner Up USA and devout one man+one woman advocate Carrie Prejean..."I don't want to permit that opportunity to happen and I'll tell you why. You go up to Bethesda Naval Hospital, Marines are up there with no legs, none. You've got Marines at Walter Reed with no limbs."
Hear that people?? Human torsos are literally piling up like limbless mannequin mountains all because U.S. soldiers are constantly distracted by all the hotttttt man-on-man action going on in every Iraqi foxhole and Afghan mountainside now that Ga-Ga gays are free to lose the p-p-poker face, put on their rainbow meat dresses and shimmy-shake their fabulous selves out of Army closets across the nation.

On the other hand, soldiers still possessing all their appendages are able to keep constant vigil over fellow servicemen, probably because their minds aren't stuck in the terrible, twisted gay gutter.

What else could possibly be distracting soldiers? Certainly not blessed straight, man-on-woman sex! In all of human history, men have never, ever been distracted by the thought of women and/or having sex with them, only by the thought of two guys in green and brown camouflage getting it on behind the barracks.

Hell, what do you think distracted John McCain when he crashed all those airplanes deep behind enemy lines? Certainly not Cindy McCain, who clearly wasn't yet old enough to be buying elections or posing naked with her mouth duct-taped to protest old white bigots like her wonderful Grandpa husband John wantonly discriminating against gay and lezzy people.

Bottom line is that John McCain is just trying to save innocent lives, innocent hetero lives, that is.

Despite the "thousands" of active and retired military personnel who tell him not to repeal DADT (in his head), McCain was resigned to the fact that it will be repealed, "and all over America, there'll be gold stars put up in windows, in the rural towns and communities all over America that don't partake in the elite schools that bar military recruiters from campus, that don't partake in the salons of Georgetown and the other liberal bastions here around the country, but there will be additional sacrifice."

“I have no idea what he's talking about and no one else does either," Harry Reid said with a shrug.

"All over America?" Technically, his best buddy Joe Lieberman repealed it "all over John McCain's face."

For the second time in as many years, John McCain FAILS to make history. Err, except maybe in the newly revised Texas schoolbooks. They seem to have a fondness for bitter old white men who prefer to go down with the ship.

After they toss the terrible gays overboard, that is.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Ignorance Is Freedom! New Poll Proves Fox News Viewers Are The Dumbest, Most Uninformed People In The World, Right After Fox News' Hosts


But why do the poll numbers add up to 120%, mommy? Because junior, everyone knows 100% is for pussies, math geeks, and lame-o Democrats. Not for hot, sexy Fox News, the undisputed leader in feigned 9/11 outrage, shamelessly bad graphics, mentally unstable news anchors, and baseless lies and mistruths, proudly poisoning America since 1996!

And now science has finally proven what the whole world already long suspected: People who get their "news" from Fox are the absolute dumbest, most mindblowingly idiotic, misinformed bunch of misanthrope misfits to ever grace the face of God's once green Earth. These morons have literally zero clue what's going on with umm, well, basically anything.

It's true!

A new University of Maryland study, "Misinformation and the 2010 Election," judging how likely consumers of various news outlets and publications were to believe misinformation on a wide range of political issues revealed some startling, or not so startling, results depending on whether you've spent the last six months holed up underground in one of Glenn Beck's emergency post-apocalyptic fallout shelters and bartering with armed, marauding nomads using his one-of-a-kind fake gold coins or not.

While consumers of virtually every news outlet believed some information disseminated during the 2010 election was false (90% of respondents overall), the study found that Fox News viewers, regardless of political affiliation, were "significantly more likely" to erroneously believe that:
  • Most economists estimate the stimulus caused job losses (12 points more likely)
  • Most economists have estimated the health care law will worsen the deficit (31 points)
  • The economy is getting worse (26 points)
  • Most scientists do not agree that climate change is occurring (30 points)
  • The stimulus legislation did not include any tax cuts (14 points)
  • Their own income taxes have gone up (14 points)
  • The auto bailout only occurred under Obama (13 points)
  • When TARP came up for a vote most Republicans opposed it (12 points)
  • And that it is not clear that Obama was born in the United States (31 points)
So, whether it's wrongly believing that Republicans voted against TARP, a big business government program created by the Republican administration of REPUBLICAN George W. Bush, or being unable to comprehend the simple fact (and yes, it is a fact) that global temperatures are rising at an alarming rate (because it still snows in winter), the Fox News viewer is a particularly dangerous animal. Because, unlike say your average CNN or MSNBC viewer, the Fox News watcher cannot, will not, be swayed in their retarded, ass backwards beliefs that NObama is a no-good, Secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist from the Soviet Union of Kenya, no matter how many times you shove his actual Hawaiian birth certificate in their dumb faces.

And like anyone inundated to a constant stream of racist rightwing lies, half-truths, and Papa Bear's pin head vs. patriot propaganda, the more a person is exposed to Fox News, the more they start to believe they are living in some doomsday hellscape led by Comrade Barry and his roving death squad of shovel-wielding Socialist sociopaths scheming to take out Granny and li'l baby Trigger.

Not only are they the stupidest people on earth, but they are 120% sure they are the smartest creatures to ever have sprouted from God's magic man-makin' dust and Adam's rib on the Sixth Day!

So there you have it folks. While common sense already told you that Fox News viewers have the most terrible, God-awful taste in food, fashion, hairstyles, houses/trailer homes, books, music, movies, art, artificial tear drops, architecture, and of course anchors, scientific evidence proves that Fox News viewers believe insanely ridiculous things about the stimulus, the economy, taxes, health care, the automobile industry bailout, unemployment, science, math and weather.

Naturally, actual Fox News viewers weren't bothered by the findings in the slightest because like seriously, c'mon, who the hell believes in science these days anyway?

Certainly not America's favoritest weeping Jesus and resident chalkboard & puppet scholar Glenn Lee Beck. He believes in a different kind of "profit." Ya know, the kind that usually ends in a bunch of zeroes.

Just like the Fox News audience!

But much like the eternal chicken/egg dilemma, one burning question remains unsolved:

Do they watch Fox News because they are idiots, or are they idiots because they watch Fox News?

Friday, December 17, 2010

It's His House & He'll Cry If He Wants To


Get your man pants on, people!

Weeping orange boner John Boehner apparently did not get the GOP memo about how real Republican men don't start moaning and wailing like some skirt-wearing sissy queer, they buck the hell up, put on their manliest pair of testosterone-infused man pants (Brett Favre's Wranglers?) and leave the leaky faucet estrogen act to the li'l lady whose Speaker gavel now rests in their Grand Ol' Possession.

Because America's newest Speaker Weeper of the House doesn't need an actual reason to sob on national television like the emotional dude or alcoholic madman on the verge of a nervous breakdown that he is, just like he doesn't need the sun's UV rays to achieve that natural "Rusty Nail" hue that is his skin color.

"I've never been in a tanning salon in my life, I've never used a tanning product in my life," Boehner said, pausing to wipe away the fat, wet drops of Fanta-colored tears streaming down his face.

His wife Debbie said he's had dark skin, a happy hour buzz, and the emotional stability of a playground schoolgirl, since she's known him.

During an interview on "60 Minutes," host Leslie Stahl asked the new House Speaker why he got so choked up on election night.
"Talking, trying to talk about the fact that I've been chasing the American dream my whole career," Boehner said.
She better be smokin' hottttt, what with all the time he's spent chasing the sexy thing always playin' hard-to-get, teasin' him with her mini skirt and thigh-high f**k me boots.
“Some things, there are some things that are very difficult to talk about. Family, kids — I can’t go to a school anymore, I used to go to a lot of schools. You see all these little kids running around, can’t talk about it,” Boehner said. “Making sure that these kids have a shot at the American dream, like I did, is important.”
So there you have it, folks. John Boehner can no longer set foot in a school, or watch kids run around chasing dreams 'n cooties 'n stuff, because he might drown in all his tears. He can also no longer conduct so much as a single interview without breaking down and weeping hysterically on prime-time teevee all because that no-good bully Barack Obama called him a big, meany hostage man in front of everyone.
In the “60 Minutes” interview, Boehner said Obama showed him “disrespect” by calling him a hostage-taker.

“Excuse me, Mr. President I thought the election was over,” Boehner said, according to a transcript obtained by POLITICO. “You know, you get a lot of that heated rhetoric during an election. But now it’s time to govern.”
Govern...ya know, the stuff you do to look busy, and hopefully keep your cheeks nice 'n dry like your fave martini, between tee times and happy hour.

"What you see is what you get," Boehner added. "I know who I am and I'm comfortable in my own skin, and everybody who knows me knows that I get emotional about certain things."

Like say a certain half-black president choosing to go public and speak honestly about you and your pale Republican cohorts negotiating in bad faith. Boo hoo.

Tears? No, no, them there's Freedom Drops!

It may take a true Boehner to cry spontaneously and without provocation, but only a real Dick does it solely when talking about his own, sweet sufferin' sunkissed leaker Speaker self.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Deck The Halls With Greed & Sorrow, Santa Clause-Killing Repubs Are Coming To Town!


Forget the pesky equal-rights demanding gays or the gross poors, this time the ever-righteous, morally pure Grand Old Prophets of Divinity here on Earth have turned their seething, beautifully white hot, perfectly rational rage towards a much more cunning adversary: the Godless n'er-do-well Democrats.

Ugh, the nerve of those bastards trying to actually get critical legislation passed during what was supposed to be a lame duck Congress of fun and  frivolity!

Luckily for the rest of us in real America, fearless leaders heroes like Republicans Senators Jim DeMint of South Carolina and Jon Kyl of Arizona will not just stand idly by while Democrats' desecrate the Holy Spirit of Halo III and insufferable, recycled RomCom box office busts with such legislative tomfoolery, like the silly omnibus spending bill to fund dumb government for another year, repealing the discriminatory Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy permitting gross gays and lezzies to get blown up by roadside IEDs like normal, decent, straight Americans, or signing some terrible, pussy new START nuclear arms treaty with Russia.

This aggression cannot stand!

Enraged by the Democrats' pre-Christmas push to actually get some shit accomplished for once in their miserable, pathetic lives, Sen. Jim DeMint  blasted the move as "sacrilegious," and warned he'd draw the process out to wage his objections.

"You can't jam a major arms control treaty right before Christmas," the less-than-fresh, increasingly bitter Sen. Jim DeMint told POLITICO. "What's going on here is just wrong. This is the most sacred holiday for Christians. They did the same thing last year - they kept everybody here until (Christmas Eve) to force something down everybody's throat. I think Americans are sick of this."

Of course, they could be sick from all the toxic smoke and debris inhaled by 9/11 First Responders lacking adequate health care since Republicans simply cannot justify funding these freeloaders while poor, suffering millionaires, barons and heiresses face the terrifying injustice of a marginal tax increase they'll never need, miss nor so much as notice anyway.

This is a matter of principles, God damn it, and if there's one thing Republicans don't compromise on, it's principles!

Principles like the dignity of denying 9/11 emergency workers adequate care for their heroic efforts during a national tragedy, compassion for billionaire CEOs in danger of losing their cushy billion dollar bonuses, and of course deep concern for their own, hard-earned, well-deserved paid vacation time to celebrate the miraculous birth of their favoritest immaculately conceived precious li'l bundle of divinity, baby Jesus.

Like Senate Minority Whip Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.) who simply cannot stay silent while dastardly Democrats try to complete a busy lame duck agenda by dancing like wild Injuns around the swaddled Savior in his miracle manger.

"It is impossible to do all of the things that the majority leader laid out," Sen. Jon Kyl said, "frankly, without disrespecting the institution and without disrespecting one of the two holiest of holidays for Christians and the families of all of the Senate, not just the senators themselves but all of the staff."

So true! But even a dumb old Mormon like Harry Reid knows disrespecting baby Jesus is better than disrespecting the Resurrected Jesus because HE is no longer Jewish, and thus infinitely better.

"As a Christian, no one has to remind me of the importance of Christmas for all of the Christian faith, all their families across America," Harry Reid said. "I don’t need to hear the sanctimonious lectures of Sens. Kyl and DeMint to remind me of what Christmas means."

"Where were their concerns about Christmas [when they were posing] filibuster after filibuster of every piece of legislation during this entire Congress?" Reid asked on the Senate floor this afternoon.

Ummm, probably out getting plastered with Santa and the rest of those red-nosed reindeer sluts, colored savages, and sodomite soldiers spreading Seasons Greetings, smart bombs, and STDs across the land in sinful secular spirit.

Forget What Jesus Would Do. I'll tell you What Jesus Wouldn't Do. And that's enact some pussy Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty that would bring us closer to 'peace on earth,' or do anything to help ease the pain and suffering of those less fortunate than, say, the Fortune 500.

After all, 'tis the Season to be Jolly Wretched.

Fa la la la la, la la la la!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Heroic Judge Saves Virginia (And Maybe America!) From The Evils Of Affordable Health Care


Congratulations, Virginia! Republican State Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli's fearless crusade to keep the gubmint's big, bad, ever-expanding health care paws off the God-fearing, ever-expanding waistlines of the good people of Virginia has finally succeeded...for now.

Hooray!

According to the honorable Henry E. Hudson, a federal judge in Virginia who ruled parts of Barack Obama's signature health care reform legislation unconstitutional, Congress cannot force people to buy health care coverage, especially when you consider how many jalapeño poppers a person can shove down their throats for the same price as a month’s worth of bland, oven baked, not even deliciously deep fried, health insurance.

In a 42-page opinion, Judge Hudson ruled the provision of the law that requires most individuals to get insurance or pay a fine by 2014 is an unprecedented & unlawful expansion of federal power that cannot be supported by the Commerce Clause of the Constitution. And it also apparently violates the lesser known Help People Not Unnecessarily Die (Or Go Bankrupt) Clause of the Constitution.
"Neither the Supreme Court nor any federal circuit court of appeals has extended Commerce Clause powers to compel an individual to involuntarily enter the stream of commerce by purchasing a commodity in the private market," he wrote. "In doing so, enactment of the [individual mandate] exceeds the Commerce Clause powers vested in Congress under Article I [of the Constitution.]"
Of course, the ruling by judge Henry Hudson, who was appointed to the bench by George W. Bush, has nothing, I repeat, nothing to do with the fact that he is a major shareholder who owns between $15,000 and $50,000 in a GOP political consulting firm that gets paid to argue that health care reform's individual mandate is a terrible, unconstitutional Socialist threat to the very existence of America. It's really just that he's a Republican.
Hudson is the first judge to rule that the individual mandate is unconstitutional. He said, however, that portions of the law that do not rest on the requirement that individuals obtain insurance are legal and can proceed. Hudson indicated there was no need for him to enjoin the law and halt its implementation, since the mandate does not go into effect until 2014.
Tsk, tsk, silly Hudson! The dumb schmuck doesn't even realize that thanks to NObama and his terrible Socialist legislation to help poor people and kids with cancer not senselessly die or get fleeced by greedy insurance companies, there probably won't even be a 2014.

Either way, Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli, who filed the case, one of 25 legal challenges against Obama's sweeping reform  legislation, because affordable health care is for pussies, heralded the Judge's ruling.

"I am gratified we prevailed," Cuccinelli said. "This won't be the final round, as this will ultimately be decided by the Supreme Court, but today is a critical milestone in the protection of the Constitution."

After all, Virginia is for (different sexed, same skinned!) lovers...of denying people health care.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Lessons In Fierce: Don't Ask Don't Tell Repeal In Senate As Dead As Republicans' Sense Of Decency & Justice


Pump up the Gaga, gays and gals who like gals! Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid finally went ahead with a a cloture vote on the defense spending bill, a procedural move effectively allowing a repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell to come to the floor for debate, though fortunately not gay and lesbian soldiers to burst out of Army closets as out 'n proud members of the U.S. Military. Phew!

But, like most other bills not exclusively dedicated to making the rich even more delightfully rich and powerful, this too failed by a vote of 57-40, because our nation's democracy is so advanced and effective that it can't even rule on matters of basic equality like normal human beings not crazed, special needs swamp monsters.

Rumor had it that gay-loving Republicans Scott "Cosmo" Brown, Susan "Cock Tease" Collins, and John "What Happens In Vegas..." Ensign were on board and ready to support repeal.

They were thisclose, I tell ya, thisclose to getting this thing done, once and for all!

But nooooooo! Suddenly, Ms. Collins decided, eh, on second thought, she won't vote for cloture after all because apparently the last 17 years haven't been nearly long enough, and she obviously needs more time to straighten things out, so to speak.

And she will also not move so much as one freakin, freedom-denying  inch unless a certain Mormon Majority Leader agrees to her perfectly reasonable demands for very kindly permitting debate to proceed on the defense authorization bill, so that her wonderful Grand Old colleagues can take to the floor and explain all the fabulous reasons why, when it comes to gross gay and lesbians (except when it involves Michael Steele RNC fundraisers), they don't care about logic or equality, but centuries-old bigotry and fear. Well, that and tax cuts for the rich, of course.

"The majority leader's allotment of time to debate those amendments was extremely short (17 years does seem a bit rash!), so I have suggested doubling the amount of time, assuring that there would be votes, and making sure that the Republicans get to pick our own amendments as opposed to the Majority Leader," Sen. Collins said, adding, "If he does that I will do all that I can to help him proceed to the bill. But if he does not do that, then I will not."

So there!

Collins reminded Reid that Republicans don't want to debate anything until the tax issue is resolved. "I have urged the majority leader to postpone the vote...so that we could get the tax bill considered first -- which I believe could be on the floor tomorrow -- and completed by Saturday, and then move immediately to the DOD bill, but under a fair agreement."

A fair agreement being, of course, whatever it takes to stall debating (let alone voting on) some dumb, bizarre policy compromise crafted 17 years ago, when most of the country still thought of gays as scary, rainbow unitard wearing sexually deviant demons fairying through the skies scouring for innocent heterosexual newborns to kidnap and have their wily ways with back in their Pottery Barn accented soft lofts in the ninth circle of Hell. Now gays are mostly known as those pesky, speedo-clad hard-bodies whose ridiculous demands for equal rights and the same constitutional guarantees as their superior, heterosexual counterparts are making life very difficult for those like John McCain, who rely on hatred and discrimination for their very survival!

Well the Republicans' brilliant "Good Faith" negotiation strategy of ever-shifting demands and stall tactics worked wonders, because Susan Collins did end up voting for cloture,  not because she realized the lives and livelihoods of actual soldiers is probably more important than parliamentary process and archaic Senate procedures, but because with Republican Sens. Scott Brown (MA), Richard Lugar (IN), and Lisa Murkowski (AK) suddenly voting no, the repeal bill was doomed anyway.

Because being a "moderate" Republican like Susan Collins means saying you're in favor of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell repeal, but only once it is guaranteed that the legislation itself would never come to an actual vote because their party would drag their feet on it forever

Or if you're a freshly elected Democratic Senator from West Virginia like Joe Manchin, you also vote against repeal (when you're not shooting environment-protecting cap 'n trade bills with shotguns, that is) because in his enlightened Mountaineer state, politicians get instant respect and admiration whenever they vote against their terrible, fellow Democratic party, particularly on matters involving saving this dumb old planet or giving equal rights to them homos and their gross homo agenda.

"There is simply no evidence and no justification - legal, military or otherwise - for keeping this policy in place," Sen. Harry Reid said. "There is no reason to keep American citizens from fighting for the country they love because of whom they love."

Oh, Harry!

You don't need reason when you have Republicans!

But since you insist, how 'bout...NObama 2012??

Hell, there's forty reasons right there!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

This Is The Kind Of Change That Makes You Feel All Dirty & Democratic Inside


President Barack Obama took to the teevee to do what he does best, other than nailing mid range jump shots: nailing liberal Democrats and their terrible no-good liberal Democratic policies in order to defend his perfectly good reasoning for bending over striking a compromise with congressional Republicans to extend the Bush tax cuts for two years in exchange for new stimulus measures and Republicans collectively pinky swearing to stop acting like a bunch of Grand Old Pricks and big, greedy Boehners, orange or otherwise, anytime he tries do something awful like breathe.

Woohoo!

This is wonderful news for America, because once again the Republicans get to do what they do best: act like a bunch of, how shall I put this, umm, "Asshats" until they get everything they want, yet still pretend they are getting screwed over by that meany black Socialist Muslim thug in the White House.

They get all of their dumb, deficit swelling tax cuts for the long-suffering heiress and baron class, extended for two years, plus some sweet cuts in the estate tax as an extra bonus for all the GOP's hard work, cooperation, and selflessness these past two years.

Because according to President Obama, who is sooooo totally over that whole "emo" stage, it is much more preferable to save the middle class from slightly higher taxes for a short period of time and secure more unemployment aid by abandoning your principles in favor of a smoother-running country, than to make the Republican Party put their designer man pants on, take responsibility, and actually suffer for their illogical policies destroying America.

It's called compromise, and it's what mature, practical, adult Presidents do, something you silly intellectual elites reading silly elite newspapers and sticking to your even sillier elitist ideologies wouldn't know the first thing about!
"There are some who would have preferred a protracted political fight even if it meant higher taxes for all Americans," the president said at a White House news conference a day after the compromise was announced. "And I understand the desire for a fight. I'm sympathetic to that."
But to tell you the truth, I'm kinda wiped from the morning pickup game with my new Republican homies, so eh, I think I'll just give up my ideals, take the Grand Old Position, and endorse the domestic fiscal policy of George W. Bush instead. Who's with me?

While Obama said that he’ll oppose the Bush tax cuts for the rich when they’re up again in two years—he insisted he's "not here to play games with the American people or the health of our economy."

Please! He only does that with round bouncy orange & black leather/rubber/synthetic composite balls, a hoop, and a hard surface.

No More Mr. Nice Guy Barry did have some scathing words for both the "sanctimonious" left, whose wacky idea of reality consists of perusing the New York Times while perched upon their diamond encrusted golden toilets, and the God-awful GOP he shared a romantic, candlelight dinner of principle-free, deep fried capitalist Pork chops, topped off with a delicious slice of heaping humble pie with:
“This is their holy grail, these tax cuts for the wealthy,” a visibly annoyed Obama said of Republicans. He acknowledged that most Americans support repealing the tax cuts for the rich, but said he couldn’t persuade the Senate GOP: “I have not been able to budge them.”
Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!?
Obama said he was determined to prevent a stalemate that would let taxes rise for everyone when the Bush-era rates are set to expire at the end of the month. “I am not willing to let working families across this country become collateral damage for political warfare here in Washington.”
He'd much rather let himself, his beliefs, and his entire Democratic base be blown into smithereens than dare stand up to the scary Republicans and risk exposing them for the power-hungry, poor-hating frauds they are, instead of appeasing them Hitler-style.
"I've said before that I felt that the middle class tax cuts were being held hostage to the high end tax cuts. I think it's tempting not to negotiate with hostage takers. Unless the hostage gets harmed. Then, people will question the wisdom of that strategy. In this case the hostage was the American people and I was not willing to see them get harmed."
Of course you weren't, B! As if Democrats would ever so much as dream of believing in their ideas deeply enough that they would actually be willing to fight for them, lest they look like they possess an actual spine, leadership abilities, convictions, or some outrageous positive quality like that.

Because, if there’s one thing Democrats can agree on, it’s surrendering to opposition.

Of course, one would think that the party that wins a midterm election campaigning solely on the critical need to cut deficits, and then once in power, immediately stonewalls any legislation that would actually cut hundreds of billions of dollars from said deficit, would then be subject to immediate public outrage, widespread condemnation, and criticism for being hypocritical liars, who are objectively full of shit.

Not so my friends, not so!

Instead, the invisible, omnipresent, menacing tax monster started rearing his ugly head, forcing the White House and frightened Democrats to make terrible sell-out deals on tax cuts they really don't want (or need) to make, in the hopes that they would be spared being gobbled up, swallowed whole, and digested, bit-by-bit, by this insatiable giant tax goblin that apparently only feasts on the fresh and tender meat of feeble Democrats, not the old, rotting, maggot-infested flesh of Republicans.

In return for the whole tax cuts thing, Republicans will maybe (haha, fingers crossed!) agree to extending jobless aid for the long-term unemployed, also kindly starving Dems of their one advantage of getting to accurately call out the Republicans for refusing to help all gross poors and unemployed people until every last rich person is taken care of, tax-free, with a complimentary mansion, horse stable, waitstaff, and shiny set of steak knives as a thank you.

Oh well!

Fortunately, these heroic tax cuts, passed in a time of prosperity for no conceivable reason except maybe to further fatten the deficit, will never, ever die.

Instead, they will just shrivel up collecting dust in a corner with all the other disastrous Bush-era policies still lurking, biding their time, waiting for the perfect moment to pass Congress, and trickle down wealth and prosperity upon all the land.

Like say when a Democrat is in the White House.

Surrender becomes the new hope; capitulation, the new change.

Now that's compromise we can believe in!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Praise Jesus! House GOP Ends Climate-Change Committee Because Global Warming Is Just Another Elitist Liberal Lie


Rejoice America! Now that the Teapublicans have gone and taken America back from the evil Democratic scourge to regain rightful control of the House of Representatives, climate change is no more. Done, gone, finito, forever.

Woohoo!

Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner of Wisconsin, the Select Committee on Energy Independence and Global Warming's top Republican and as such, one of the more vocal climate change deniers, announced they will be getting rid of the the committee when they take over, because now that the GOP is in power, climate change is a thing of the past! The lame, Democratic past, that is! Mwwhahahaha!

So why you wonder does this critical issue no longer need special congressional attention?

Duh! Because Republicans say so, that's why!

Turns out global warming never existed at all, except maybe in the minds of dumb Democrats, scientists around the world, the entire international community, and anyone else with half a brain instead of oil 'n sludge lodged between their ears. 

Why didn’t those silly Democrats just listen to the Republicans all along? Here they are holding hearings about the future of the Earth itself, and the whole time our goofy swirling blue ball isn't warming up at all!

Whoopsies! What a hilarious blooper!

Of course, many of Sensenbrenner’s enlightened fellow Republicans were happy to see the committee scrapped.
“I think that if we’re looking for a good place to cut, not having this could be a good place to cut,” committee member Marsha Blackburn (R-Tenn.), said, adding that, “I think that we’ve done a good job of proving that global warming is not a decided science.”
OMG totes! Same goes for that ridiculous monkeys-to-human thing. Suck it evolution! Darwin ain't got nothin' on Adam's Rib!

Luckily for the rest of us, Sensenbrenner promised to continue fighting the good fight to make sure other people in Congress don’t make this amusing little “climate change” mistake again.

But, noooooooo! Apparently some people, like the now-dead committee’s Democratic Chairman, Ed Markey, just don’t see what a terrible blunder they’re making here.
“We are not going away because the problems that climate change presents are too dangerous too urgent for us to disappear into the abyss of cynicism and loss,” Markey said. “We are not going away because China, India, and Germany are not going away as competitors for global energy dominance. We are not going away because the national security threats from our continued dependence on foreign oil are not going away.”
Oh, Markey! They're probably just playing peek-a-boo.
“The politics may change but the problems have not changed,” Markey said. “The problems still need to be remedied by legislative action that comes from the United States Congress.”
Whoa, whoa, not anymore, Ed! Didn't you get the memo? Magic Jesus will be calling the shots nowadays!

Meanwhile, Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-Mo.), who serves on the panel, called it a “travesty” that Republicans decided to axe the committee, saying, “It’s the worst thing that could happen.”

Get a grip, Cleaver! Besides, look on the bright side, the House Select Committee on Saving The Millionaires and Naming Stuff After Reagan isn't going anywhere.

Environmental attorney Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said the decision is “not just a catastrophe for global warming but it’s a catastrophe for national security...We have got to make sure to try to educate the Republicans, and to the extent they can’t be educated, to take Congress back.”

Ummm, yeah, good luck with that. They already called No Indian Giving! Err, wait, or was it just No Indians?? I can never keep it straight!

In other breaking congressional news, the sun revolves around the earth, which is flat. And, also if global warming did exist, it can simply be fixed with tax cuts for the rich. It says so in the bible!

Survival of the fittest? Ha ha, not anymore, my friends. This is the Republican's House, remember? More like survival of the dimwittedness!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

U.S. Military Report Finally Asks & Tells, But Republicans Suddenly Can't Hear Or Speak


Oh no, not them pesky ne'r-do-well gays again!

Sure, more and more Americans are increasingly supportive of and comfortable with "gays" and "woman gays" aka "lesbians" serving openly in the military because, umm, last I checked this was the 21st century not the late cretaceous period when John McCain was still just a primordial twinkle in his mother's eye.

And also because much like John McCain's arthritis medicine, personal integrity, and mental capacity, wanton and unjust discrimination too has a half-life.
Pew has a new poll out today showing that the nation has shifted on Don't Ask Don't Tell, since the 1990s. Only 27 percent of Americans oppose gays and lesbians serving openly in the military, down from 45 percent in 1994. Fifty-eight percent of Americans support ending DADT. Even among Republicans, there is a narrow split: 44 percent oppose gays serving, while 40 percent favor.
OMG! Well there's that homosexual agenda for you. Fighting for acceptance, justice, and equality for years and years, until eventually, after decades of hard fought-struggle, bitter opposition, and sloooowly evolving attitudes, the wretched gays and lezzies finally gain said acceptance.

Whoa, whoa slow down queers! Ramming their God-forsaken, insidious agenda down our throats for the past half century or so years until our throats are so red, raw and sore that we can't even close our perfectly hetero jaws anymore.

Just look what's happening to the usually reliable bastion of homophobia and intolerance, the U.S. Military! The much-heralded, highly anticipated Holy Grail of Gay Studies, the Pentagon's several hundred-page report (which you can read all 267 pages of here, if you're insane) on whether allowing secretly gay soldiers to say "I'm gay" aloud would destroy the American military has been released. And turns out...wait for it...most soldiers do not think that allowing their fellow servicemen (and women) to be honest about their own, terrible sexuality (without fear of reprisal) would cause a sudden rainbow revolution where GI Joes and Janes throw off their fatigues, and come shimmy-shaking out of Army closets across the country singing "Honky Cat," ready to make deviant same-sex love, not pure, straight-as-a-bullet war.
- 70% of Service members said they would be able to "work together to get the job done" with a gay servicemember in their immediate units.
- 69% said they worked in a unit with a co-worker that they believed to be homosexual.
- 92% stated that their unit's "ability to work together," with a gay person was "very good, "good" or "neither good nor poor." (89% for those in Army combat arms units, 84% for those in Marine combat arms units.)
- 74% of spouses of military service-members say repeal of DADT would have no impact on their view of whether their husbands or wives should continue to serve.
- 30% overall (and 40–60% in the Marine Corps and in various combat arms specialties) expressed negative views or concerns about the impact of a repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell.
But it's not just the right to fight and die for their country as out 'n proud members of the U.S. military that the wicked gays are after. They want all the rights and privileges of normal people who have God-approved sex with the proper (1:1) penis-vagina ratios, the nerve!

And just look what the terrible gays are doing to America's moral fabric! Turning us into a bunch of rainbow colored, mostly divorced sissies, I tell ya!
A minority of Americans in 2010 (43 percent) think it is bad for society to have more gay couples raising children, while a majority think it is either a good thing (12 percent) or it makes no difference (41 percent) to have gay couples in parenting roles.
Umm, hello?? Need I remind you of a cozy li'l community called Sodom and Gomorrah? Fire, brimstone, but not a discothèque to be found in all the land. Coincidence, I think not!

What is truly tragic is that so many otherwise good, decent citizens are being swayed by this homosexual cabal and special interest minority always trying to shove freedom and equality down innocent, homophobic Americans' throats, but thankfully we still have heroes like John McCain around to ensure this great nation remains at the mercy of the will of the people.

Err, the will of the non-gay and non-gay-supporting people, that is. The real people.

Like say, congressional Republicans, whose initial enlightened response to the Pentagon's painstaking, months long study unequivocally proving that repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell won't damage troop readiness, hurt troop morale, or cause the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to appear on the shores of Ellis Island, is to demand more hearings and "comprehensive oversight" of this study, preferably until they assume control of the House and can kill it off for good.

The bill, not the gays, that is.

America may be going to hell but hey at least it's riding in one hell of a stylish handbasket, amiright?