Democralypse Now

Mitt Romney Is "Not Concerned About The Very Poor," Nor Apparently Winning Anything But The Hatred Of 99% Of America

2012-02-02T00:00:00.000-06:00

Ah Mittens. Fresh off a most undeserved and uninspired victory over a gelatinous blob of ethical lapses and abandoned wives in the Florida Republican primary, Willard "Mitt" Romney proceeded to promptly squander all momentum and break the Golden Rule of presidential politics: pretend not to be the cold, heartless, asshole you really are.

Whoopsies!

You see, to billionaire everyman Mitt Romney, poor people are like unicorns. He's heard of them, but never actually seen one. (Or at least not in the wilds of Massachusetts' gated communities).

Which is probably why Mittens continued the ill-advised practice of opening up his awful rich person's mouth and letting words flow forth like sister-wives to the altar, terrifying Soledad O'Brien and the half-dozen or so other people actually watching CNN.

"I'm in this race because I care about Americans," Mitt said. "I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there. If it needs repair I'll fix it."

And if the handyman he held his nose while hiring can't get the job done (ugh, dumb poors!), he'll move on to his next favorite activity: firing people.

But since Mitt is clearly not concerned about the gross poors (the free market will take care of them), what exactly is he concerned about? (Just kidding! We know he really doesn't care about anybody).

"I'm not concerned about the very rich; they're doing just fine." (Just fine, indeed, wink wink!). "I'm concerned about the very heart of America, the 90-95 percent of Americans who right now are struggling...We will hear from the Democrat party on the plight of the poor and there's no question, it's not good being poor (he's never really thought about it, but he'll take their word for it!), and we have a safety net to help those that are very poor."

And what a fine safety net it is! Manufactured in China by NetCo, LLC, a subsidiary of Bain Capital, and strong enough to catch a full-grown man plunging to the bottom in a dizzying self-induced freefall from the high horse he's permanently perched upon.

So that's what they mean about wealth trickling down!

[image via AP]

People Of The Sunshine State: Sarah Palin Urges America To Rage Against The Machine (& All Rational Thought) And Make Newt The Man

2012-01-31T00:00:00.000-06:00

Former reality teevee star and failed ~~vice-president~~, ~~governor~~, ~~political pundit~~, ~~mother~~, ~~grifter~~, ~~fame whore~~, EVERYTHING, Sarah Palin, took a break from the usual Facebook trolling and illiterate Tweeting to continue her bizarre quest endorsing Newt Gingrich because of some on-again, off-again, leftist hard rock band from the '90s. Or something like that.

Here's Mama Grizz herself telling resident Fox News muppet and Fran Drescher wannabe Jeanine Pirro all the wonderful reasons why Newt Gingrich is the right man, not machine, for the job.

"When both party machines and many in the media are trying to crucify Newt Gingrich for bucking the tide and bucking the establishment that tells you something."

It does?? Like that he'll buck just about anything, including his cancer and MS-stricken wives, respectively?

Urging people to “rage against the machine,” Palin continued, “Vote for Newt. Annoy a liberal. Vote Newt. Keep this vetting process going, keep the debate going.”

You hear that people? Keep the debate going! Right into the gutter. It's fun, plus you get to RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE and ANNOY A LIBERAL, all in one fell swoop, err, make that one fell Newt!

Because nothing would annoy (and by annoy, we of course mean, delight) liberals more than the good people of Florida voting a thrice married, twice divorced, faux intelligent, serial adultering, shamelessly amoral huckster who may or may not have secretly promised Sarah Palin a cabinet position in his fantasy moon colony, the winner of the Florida Republican primary.

NOTHING! Well, except maybe Zack de la Rocha and Tom Morello spitting rhymes and shredding chords at this year's Coachella in honor of everyone's fave mooniacs, Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin.

With a special set-list including such hits as:

Bull(shit) On Parade
People Of The ~~Sun~~ Moon
Sleep Now In The (Eternal Hell) Fire
Killing In The Name (of Jesus Christ)
No Shelter (for Mexicans)
(Dead) Guerrilla Radio
How I Could Just Kill a Man (with a 9mm Hollow-Point Bullet)
FreeDUMB
Testify (Against a Liberal Activist Judge)
Renegades of DysFunktion
Vietnow (and Forever)

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE, Florida people.

Newt Gingrich Wins South Carolina, Reminding America Why It's South Carolina In The First Place

2012-01-24T00:00:00.000-06:00

Well, well, that was faster than dumping an ex-wife in the cancer ward! Whining, bloated, real life Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and serial adultering sac of ethics violations Newt Gingrich has just been declared the Big Wiener of the South Carolina ~~Confederate~~ Republican primary. Hooray! Now all of America can experience the amphibeous-named, Tiffany bling-encrusted, white-capped mountain of sleaze that is Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich. Let's just hope America has been drinking their açaí berry shakes and practicing their sun salutations because otherwise Newt will do to America what he's done to everything else he's ever loved: move on to the next younger, hotter CUNTry. Oops, Country, I mean Country!

So while the Big Newt, err, make that the Big News of the day is that a white, womanizing, racist asshole takes the bacon in the wonderful State where the Civil War started (crazy, I know!), those who don't reside in The Palmetto State, or as it's more commonly known, North Carolina's redheaded stepchild, can still feel a part of the wingnut political process, thanks to the boldest, tackiest, NSFW-iest political gear to hit the market this election year. Perfect for the crazed Teabagging asshole in your life! Wear one to your next (and last!) job interview and let the whole world know which appendage Uncle Sam can suck, without having to say a word!

And proudly wear your hate on your sleeve! Because if there's one thing people who like terrible, offensive polticial t-shirts looooove it is hating immigrants. Not like your average, milky white, red freckled, O'Sullivan or O'Reilly from Dublin. Remember, "immigrants" is Republican for "Mexicans," as is any other brown-skinned persons of broad latino descent born south of Brownsville, Texas.

The other general rule of thumb for people who purchase this type of political attire is a blind, albeit almost pathological hatred of President Barack Obama. This hate must be so strong that it bends the rules of logic, physics, grammar, the universe, and comparison-making. Obama is Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedong, Che Guevera, Pol Pot, the Joker from Batman, Bill Cosby, Uncle Tom, King Kong, Godzilla, Aunt Jemima, every black stereotype ever (here's looking at you Buckwheat!), a dork, dweeb, nerd, liar, elitist, secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist, and of course, a shit sandwich, as these t-shirts so tastefully prove. The best part? These tees come in a variety of exciting, PC colors like Sanchez Brown, Drunken Irish, Funeral Black, Blue Balls, Period Red, Pussy Pink, Blow White, and Bong Ash so you can you can look your best while being the worst!

Ugh, you know what really grinds wingnuts' gears? When gross smart people run the government! With their elitist knowledge and intelligence. It's enough to make a person sick! What America needs isn't more "community organizers" or hoity-toity "college graduates." Hell no! What it needs is a bunch of toothless, drunk, heavily armed, high school dropouts to make America great again by expelling all the Messicans and gays while bombing the bejesus out of as many foreign, oil-rich Muslim countries as their GED brains can think of. Next stop, Arabia!

Nothing screams sexy like an angry, naked Mama Grizz mounting Nancy Pelosi from behind, locked in a full nelson, and forced to submit to a woman elected to a position for which she isn't even running. Women's Rights are so 2008! Sarah Palin/Horny Men 2012! You betcha!

¡Ay, caramba! This shirt ordering all illegals to SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH is great except for the one tiny, little thing: the shirt is written in FUCKING ENGLISH! Though, extra bonus racist points for hot girl's middle finger. The universal language for junior high school kids to let the whole world know they just don't give a F*CK 'bout nothin! Except of course, poorly spoken, grammatically incorrect, AMERICAN JESUS ENGLISH.

Ummm, I don't know about you, but Vanilla Ice threatening to rip my eyeballs out and have sex with my empty orbital sockets is enough to keep me from setting Old Glory ablaze anytime soon. Mission Accomplished!?

Oh, yeaaaaah! Every dad who purchases this badboy is pretty much guaranteeing that his daughter will eventually end up dating Mary Cheney. Or Chaz Bono. Or, God forbid, Marcus Bachmann! **Shudder**

So get your awesome wingnut tee today and let the whole world know, ~~"Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech"~~ what happens when bad decision-making meets 40 ounces of malt liquor deep in the middle of Bumblefuck, USA, like oh, I don't know, say, South Carolina.

Freedom's a bitch, y'all!

Ron Paul Likes His Airplane Seats Like He Likes His Citizens: In Different Classes

2012-01-19T00:00:00.000-06:00

New (Old) Flavor of the month (white ~~power~~ chocolate mousse) Ron Paul is no stranger to controversy, thanks to his various racist, sexist and otherwise close-minded policies of limited government, even more limited brain power, and the freedom to be as selfish, asshole-ish, or basically Ron Paul-ish as humanly possible.

Like, say, the latest, greatest selection of newsletters allegedly penned by a certain Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul recently unearthed by the terrible, no-good liberal Jew run media, whose highlights, err lowlights, include:

A segment called “Race War?” from the June 1990 issue of Political Report warns that a race war might be imminent due to “the victimization mentality created by the civil rights movement, where every black failure is a white crime. If there is indeed this sort of trouble ahead, it is just another reason why every honest American should be armed.”

“Today, gangs of young blacks bust into a bank lobby firing rounds at the ceiling…We don’t think a child of 13 should be held as responsible as a man of 23. That’s true for most people, but black males age 13 who have been raised on the streets and who have joined criminal gangs are as big, strong, tough, scary and culpable as any adult, and should be treated as such” — a riff on bank robberies from the September 1992 issue of Survival Report.

“Were there, as some people now say, two bombs that went off in the building? And might the government have the wrong man? Who doubts the possibility that the government – which lied about Waco and Ruby Ridge – may also be covering up true information and planting false information about the Oklahoma bombing?” — a conspiracy theory on the Oklahoma City bombing from the September 1996 Survival Report.

“Any organization hated by the IRS and the Trilaterialist Time magazine has got to have something going for it!” — a defense of the Church of Scientology in the June 1991 issue of the Political Report.

“AIDS can be transmitted through means other than sexual intercourse and blood transfusion, specifically saliva, tears, sweat, feces and urine” — from the March 1987 edition of the Investment Report. In the same document, the author also called for the repeal of “federal laws which force schools to accept students known to carry a fatal, communicable disease, and businesses to employ adult victims as ‘handicapped.’”

“[Magic] Johnson may be a sports star, but he is dying because he violated moral laws” — from the December 1991 issue of Political Report.

“[T]he criminal ‘Justice’ Department wants to force dentists to treat these Darth Vader types under the vicious Americans With Disabilities Act” — a proclamation that AIDS patients (“Darth Vader types”) should not be allowed to visit the dentist, in the November 1993 issue of the Political Report. The author also adds, “[W]e all have the right to discriminate, which is what freedom of association is all about, especially against killers.”

OMG, so true! You know what else is true? The freedom of Karma to turn you into a frail, pathetic, decrepit old weirdo so vile and hateful even his eyebrows scrammed the hell off his face.

Which is almost as a-PAUL-ling as the self-proclaimed most "frugal and serious deficit hawk in the race" charging taxpayers nearly $52,000 all so he could fly in style, specifically first-class style, during his freqent trips between Washington and his home district in Texas.

From the AP:

But Paul's congressional travel conflicts with claims in campaign appearances that he's the most frugal and serious deficit hawk in the race.

"The talk you hear in Washington is pure talk, because there is nobody suggesting, the other candidates are not talking about real cuts," Paul said in a speech to supporters last week after his second-place finish in New Hampshire.

Now normally an elderly person who flies constantly with the means to fork over thousands of dollars to avoid being crammed into the steerage section of a commercial airliner is no big deal. More power to 'em!

But for a man who never votes for any budget or major spending bill and seriously thinks it is better to let people starve, drown, burn, or die of cancer in the streets than add one bloody red cent to the big bad gubmint deficit, is what the rest of the civilized world calls the worst kind of spineless hypocrite.

Because the person who is outraged by, say, a $25k public arts grant and is always prattling on about how "every little bit counts" and "you have to start somewhere" should at the very least not be the same one who tosses around hard-earned taxpayer money for a few extra inches of leg room, a hot towel, and the ability to look down on the stupid POVS who can't even afford to be on Ron's side of the curtain divider.

Not to mention, all the perfectly good federal money wasted on silly, trivial things like state-supported air traffic control, subsized airports, and paved landing strips when Ron Paul should know better than anyone that the invisible hand of the free market will surely keep his plane in the air and guide it safely on its journey, using not GPS and computers but smoke signals and supply side economics.

Truth is, if Ron was really serious about the whole thing, he'd go the old fashioned way, pulled by oxen in a covered wagon through dangerous, uncharted terrain and winding backwoods, untainted by Uncle Sam's coddling hand, but teeming with scurvy and dystentery just like the Good Lord and Ron Paul intended.

Screw Patrick Henry, thanks to Ron Paul, we can all take a deep breath and exclaim, "Give Me Liberty And Give Me Death!"

[image via AP]

The Only Thing Scarier Than Ron Paul's Policies Is The Size Of A Certain Ron Paul Supporter

2012-01-13T00:00:00.000-06:00

ARRRRRGGGHHHHH! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!

As if crazed crypt keeper/Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul and his fantasy vision of a post-apocalyptic American wasteland of small government and even smaller minds wasn't scary enough (umm, need I mention Rand?), the man who makes John McCain look young and stable by comparison went out and found himself the perfect foil to his own feeble, decrepit self: a real live freaking giant!

The preferred wingnut accompaniment to any second place victory speech, New Hampshire or elsewhere! Plus, what better way to return to the glorious gold standard and roving bands of toothless, heavily armed cannibals that is Ron Paul's America than your own personal workhorse, extra large enforcer, skilled beanstalk climber, portable chair lift, and ready-made meal, in case of emergency, like say a Ron Paul presidency. Cause you know it's not just muscle on those jumbo size bones!

So hooray for Ron Paul, who is either running for President of the United States or embarking on an epic journey to destroy a magic ring by throwing it in a volcano where it was forged.

Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum! Libs and poors are the worst kind of scum!

That's one small step for man, one giant ~~leap for mankind~~ for Ron Paul. See, anything really is possible! Except a Ron Paul victory, or, apparently, a Ron Paul supporter with normal human characteristics, be it limb size or empathy.

Ron Paul/Fezzik 2012!

[images via Buzz Feed]

With Dreams Of The White House Fading Fast, Michele Bachmann Will Take Her One-Woman Circus Act To A Much More Appropriate Place: The Nut House

2012-01-05T00:00:00.001-06:00

After months of deep-throating various meats-on-sticks and confusing serial killer clowns (John Wayne Gacy) with lady-killer movie stars (John Wayne), America's favorite blue-eyed basket case of the Midwest Michele Bachmann officially announced she is ending her presidential campaign to ~~honor fellow faux grrrrrl power quitter extraordinaire Sarah Palin~~ focus on her real job, crusading against cancer vaccines and reminding people what crazy looks like. (Approximately 5'2" with brown hair and pouty lips).

*Sigh!* Poor hubby Marcus Bachmann will never get to be First Lady, after all!

National Journal reports the heart-breaking news:

Rep. Michele Bachmann is suspending her presidential campaign, said a senior Republican official with direct knowledge of the lawmaker’s plans.
The official, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the Minnesota lawmaker, a favorite of the tea party wing of the party and a harsh critic of President Obama, realized after her sixth-place finish in Iowa’s caucuses that “there was no viable way forward.” By suspending her campaign, Bachmann is effectively dropping out.

Of course, Bachmann is already well-versed in this arena, having effectively dropped out of reality long ago.

But fear not, friends, because while Michele may be down, she's certainly not out! As long as there are rural, racist, white folks to dupe, immigrants to scapegoat, gross gays to cure (or in her case, marry), a black man in the White House, and a country resembling the sinful 21st, not glorious 18th century, Michele Bachmann will always have a job to do!

“I look forward to the next chapter in God’s plan. He has one for each of us, you know,” she said at the press conference.

Hers, of course, includes wallowing in a loveless, sexless marriage to her husband, Marcus, who is not gay, so please stop asking, followed by what will likely be a lengthy stay in a white-washed, windowless room with padded walls.

Or, if all goes well, that other place lunatic Republican woman feel right at home: the Vice Presidential slot on the GOP ticket.

[image via Wonkette]

Two Bombs Don't Make A Right: The Only Similarity Between Newt Gingrich's Campaign & Pearl Harbor Is The Pricey New Tiffany Pearls Draped Around Callista's Neck

2011-12-28T00:00:00.000-06:00

In what likely shattered dreams of a Merry Christmas for countless Americans from sea to shining sea, the Republican Party of Virginia announced that Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich was offically disqualified from the Virginia primary ballot because he was having too much fun running for president of dumb, meaningless teevee debates to be bothered to run for actual president of the United States and submit the 10,000 signatures that the state requires to qualify.

Umm, ooopsies?

Now, most people would probably attribute such a massive misstep to the obvious managerial ineptitude and organizational failure, but then again most people are not Newt Gingrich, and don't have a delusional sense of self-worth nor an ego the size of their own impossibly thick, dense head.

No, no, the much more likely explanation is that Virginia, like Japan before it, had decided to pull a Pearl Harbor on Newt by ~~kamikaze bombing his campaign~~ not letting him on the ballot ~~for fascism~~ for not following the rules like every other semi-competent candidate.

Newtclear Meltdown In Virginia: A Gaffe That Will Live In Infamy!

From The Hill:

“Newt and I agreed that the analogy is December 1941,” campaign director Michael Krull wrote on the Gingrich Facebook page. “We have experienced an unexpected set-back, but we will re-group and re-focus with increased determination, commitment and positive action. Throughout the next months there will be ups and downs; there will be successes and failures; there will be easy victories and difficult days – but in the end we will stand victorious.”

If you mean victorious in presiding over, quite possibly, the most bumbling, asinine, idiotic, disastrous presidential campaign in recent memory, then congratulations, Newt, you win!

You always did have a knock for bombing!

But don't feel too bad, Newty! Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Rick Santorum all also proved too inept to hand in enough signatures on time, so you're not the only one prohibited from gracing Virginia's pristine ballot boxes.

After all, Virginia is for lovers, not fatass, adulterous losers.

An honest mistake. Unlike Newt! Errr, at least the honest part.

[image via WeaselZippers]

Texas College Republicans May Flunk Most Things, But They Sure Get An A In Racist Twitter Poetry

2011-12-22T00:00:00.000-06:00

Holy Twit! Another day, another University of Texas Austin College Republicans President tweets something terrible and racist about President Obama, 4 like fun 'n stuff! Hooray!!

The wonderfully enlightened prose (for trailer trash in Amarillo) comes from the second University of Texas College Republicans President in as many months, talented poet-to-be, Cassie Wright. The first one, Lauren Pierce, was a gifted scholar of that other hilarious, popular genre of Republican poetry known as Obama "assassination jokes."

So the current President, Cassie Wright, not only decided to bless the nation with her brilliant observations, but also twatted out her momentary brain activity in adorable rhyme format! Maybe if the whole "college education" thing doesn't work out, Cassie could become the next great author of racist children's coloring books?

Although, to be fair, I'm pretty sure crack is not ever snorted, so Cassie should really consider hiring a fact checker before embarking on her next career as America's premier distributor of offensive, ill-informed propaganda in 140 (rhyming) characters or less. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, biatch!

Of course, a wiz like Cassie knows Social Media isn't just for tweeting dumb, racist nonsense about the President of the United States. Not at all! It's also for racial stereotyping, Cassie's (and apparently all College Republicans') all-time favorite activity on Earth.

On Facebook recently, Wright wrote that it was a “messed up world” because she was studying in the library while “the Asian guy next to me is watching America’s Next Top Model episodes on his laptop.”
When a commenter asked what being Asian had to with it, Wright responded:
“Because Asians study a lot…If you’re offended by my use of a stereotype then gtfo [get the f*** out].”

Ah yes, tomorrow's leaders.

My name is Cassie Wright, can you tell that I'm white?
I've got blonde hair and big tits, but no brain and even less wits. Holla

#everythingsdumberintexas #brasizeisbiggerthanIQ

Messed up world? GTFO!

No, seriously. The whole state. Please.

[image via Gawker]

Separation Of Crotch & State: Mississippi Mayor Greg Davis Learns The Hard Way Why City Credit Cards & Gay Sex Shops Don't Mix

2011-12-20T00:00:00.000-06:00

Finally, a Christmas story we can all get behind!

It's been awhile since one of America's fabulous, self-loathing, Republican closet cases accidentally outed himself by getting caught in some secret gay sexytime scandal (we're talking months here!), until a dandy Southern gent/failed Congressional candidate/wingnut mayor of Southaven, Mississippi by the name of Greg Davis forgot about a little thing called cash (and public records!) and decided to go on his wild, taxpayer-funded $170,000 shopping spree in booze, fancy meals, and gay sex shops in Canada using his very traceable, very public, city-issued credit card.

Ooopsies!

The sexytime freebies lasted until a bunch of lame, fun-hating auditors noticed there were, uh, five hundred pages of receipts for the mayor’s extracurricular activities and decided to have a look-see at his credit card expenditures. Uh Oh! Umm, yeah let's try this again, meet Greg Davis, the formerly-closeted gay, formerly-employed former mayor who has never heard of cash or considered that purchasing frivolous fish dinners and frisky sex toys on the public dime is still a crime, albeit a slightly embarrassing one.

From the Commercial Appeal newspaper:

“At this point in my life and in my career, while I have tried to maintain separation between my personal and public life, it is obvious that this can no longer remain the case,” Davis said at his Southaven home. “While I have performed my job as mayor, in my opinion, as a very conservative, progressive individual [Ed note: Huh?] — and still continue to be a very conservative individual — I think that it is important that I discuss the struggles I have had over the last few years when I came to the realization that I am gay.”

Which pales in comparison to the struggles he's had over the realization that he's also a generous tipper, which breaks the GOP (Gay One Percenters') cardinal rule of treating other people in the exact opposite way as you'd want to be treated yourself.

"[D]uring a dinner for legislators and attorneys at the Mint Restaurant in Ridgeland, Miss., Davis left a $1,000 tip on a $2,509.43 bill that included two bottles of Opus One wine for $415 each."

OMG, so not only is Greg Davis a total homo, but he's also doling out huge tips to the servers of his fancy meals, like some one-man bleeding-heart liberal secret welfare program for America's beleaguered food service industry workers?

Ugh, what's next, charity work for the poor or something gross like that?

The auditor's office confirmed that Davis billed the city for the $67 purchase at Priape, which describes itself on its website as "Canada's premiere gay lifestyle store and sex shop."

As for the receipts, Davis, a Republican who ran unsuccessfully for Congress in 2008 on a conservative, family-values platform, said he couldn’t discuss specifics on the advice of his attorney.

And also because of the replica Ron Jeremy Dong in his mouth.

But don't worry, Mr. Mayor. It gets better!

After all, prison couldn't really be worse than Mississippi could it?

[image via AP]

Anti-Gay Alabama Wingnut Bill Johnson Is Against Sinful Same-Sex Families Unless He Has "A Hand" In Creating Them

2011-12-13T00:00:00.000-06:00

Pop quiz: What does a failed, anti-gay, conservative Christian politician do two years after losing his 2009 campaign to become Alabama's newest, craziest, wingnut governor?

If you guessed embark on a lesbian-impregnating rampage in New Zealand, despite his own homophobic past and without the knowledge of his two-time Mrs. America finalist wife, give yourself a round of applause, you're right!

How does Bill Johnson, a crazed wingnut hack from 'Bama, go from preaching about the hot, erotic evils of homosinuality in America's Deep South to masturbating into a cup for lesbians 7,982 miles away in the Deep South Pacific?

Funny story!

A conservative Christian politician has a secret life as a sperm donor for lesbian couples - even though he has campaigned against gay marriage.
American politician Bill Johnson has spent most of this year in Christchurch helping run the earthquake recovery, all the while using the online persona "chchbill" to meet women who want help to get pregnant.
Under that persona, he has discussed making donations to at least nine women without the knowledge of his family in the US.
Three of the women are now pregnant, and Johnson has assisted another three with donations in the past month. It is believed he has been in communication with at least another three women to discuss sperm donation.
His actions as a sperm donor sparked concern in the fertility medicine community, whose guidelines recommend donations are made in the regulated environment of a fertility clinic, and that no man provide sperm donations to more than four families.

Then again, the guidelines also recommend staying away from sketchy, washed-up American political creeps and their anti-gay semen, but hell even Jesus couldn't resist a li'l hot lady-on-lady action, amiright?

But how did the intrepid newspaper reporters discover that freaky Alabama secret sperminator Bill Johnson was generously donating his potent man juice to all these lezzy ladies, despite campaigning against the very sinful same-sex family he's apparently now hell-bent on creating?

The Herald on Sunday approached Johnson on Thursday at a restaurant in Christchurch [New Zealand] where he had just finished dining with one of the women he had successfully impregnated.
He said the urge to become a biological father was “a need that I have.”

Don't you people get it? It wasn't a choice, it was a need! Like breathing or beating off into a Dixie cup. Ya know, normal stuff.

"Reproduction and having children is as basic a human need as eating," he told the Herald.

Okay, that too!

His wife, Kathy Johnson, on the other hand (no pun intended!), said the revelations were "the utmost of betrayal."

"This is a really, really difficult time for our family," she said. "I'm still in disbelief and very hurt, and our family has a lot of healing to do."

Oooh, is it sexual healing? Cause, if so, have I got the perfect guy for you!

"I am married to the most beautiful woman in the world. When I married her I knew we couldn't have any more children. She had a hysterectomy 10 years ago," he said. "There is nothing my wife would want to give me more in the world than a child of my own."

Really?? Cause I was thinking more along the lines of divorce papers or a swift kick in the nuts.

But don't worry not-even-almost-governor Bill Johnson! The people of Alabama still love you! After segregation and bestiality, masturbating into a cup is one of the state's most cherished pastimes!

Roll Tide, y'all! Or should I say Stroke?

[image via NZ Herald]

Obama Administration Announces Global Quest To Save Gay People; Rick Perry Denounces It In Personal Quest To Save Himself From Seeming Like A Good Person

2011-12-09T00:00:00.000-06:00

Normal, sane folk who don't convulse uncontrollably at the idea of actually making dare I say, progress in the treatment of fellow human beings, felt an overwhelming sense of pride as Barack Obama announced that the United States "would use all the tools of American diplomacy, including the potent enticement of foreign aid, to promote gay rights around the world."

In a memorandum issued by the President Obama and in a speech by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, the Obama administration vowed to "actively combat efforts by other nations that criminalize homosexual conduct, abuse gay men, lesbians, bisexuals or transgendered people, or ignore abuse against them."

Whoa, whoa, whoa! OMG, since when do gross gay people count as actual human beings? Does Jesus know about this?

The New York Times apparently does.

"I am deeply concerned by the violence and discrimination targeting LGBT persons around the world whether it is passing laws that criminalize LGBT status, beating citizens simply for joining peaceful LGBT pride celebrations, or killing men, women, and children for their perceived sexual orientation," Mr. Obama said in a presidential memorandum.

Ugh, fine, but throwing rocks at them is still cool, right?

"In many ways, they are an invisible minority," Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said at the United Nations Human Rights Council in Geneva. "They are arrested, beaten, terrorized - even executed. Many are treated with contempt and violence by their fellow citizens while authorities empowered to protect them look the other way - or join in the abuse. Too often, they are denied opportunities to work and learn, driven from their homes and countries, and forced to suppress or deny who they are to protect themselves from harm."

Oh, so they're like Occupy protesters here?

After saying the United States' own record on the issue is "far from perfect" and that there is still work to be done domestically, Clinton urged the international community to act despite the fact that opposition based on "deeply held personal, political, cultural, and religious beliefs" remains. "Being gay is not a Western invention. It is a human reality."

Which I guess can be said about the Kardashians as well.

“In reality, gay people are born into — and belong to — every society in the world,” she said. In countries “where people are jailed, beaten or executed for being gay,” she called on leaders to leap ahead of their constituents cultural or social mores, if necessary.

Wait, so does that mean the whole stoning/beheading in a public square is a no go? Cause if so, Uganda's gonna be pissed!

“I’m not saying that gay people can’t or don’t commit crimes,” she said. “They can and do, just like straight people. And when they do, they should be held accountable. But it should never be a crime to be gay.”

Unless say, they do the unthinkable like wear white after Labor Day or heavens forbid, fuchsia gingham shirts tucked neatly into tight white pants and secured by a turquoise '80s belt to a White House Garden Party.

Other than that, the U.S. going on record as being uncool with gay-hating foreign governments, and not wanting people to be murdered, tortured or imprisoned for their sexuality is a pretty uncontroversial thing, unless...UNLESS you are a fading, desperate drunkard like Rick Perry, who will prove once and for all he is the #1 presidential candidate of straight Jesus and all HIS one man + one woman (+ semi automatic machine gun) glory.

Well there's no way Slick Rick Perry's just going to sit back and let them gays get any of those "special rights" to exist, which is why he issued this fiery statement:

“Just when you thought Barack Obama couldn’t get any more out of touch with America’s values, his administration wants to make foreign aid decisions based on gay rights.
“This administration’s war on traditional American values must stop.
“I have proposed a foreign aid budget that starts at zero. From that zero baseline, we will consider aid requests based solely on America’s national security interests. Promoting special rights for gays in foreign countries is not in America’s interests and not worth a dime of taxpayers’ money.
“But there is a troubling trend here beyond the national security nonsense inherent in this silly idea. This is just the most recent example of an administration at war with people of faith in this country. Investing tax dollars promoting a lifestyle many Americas of faith find so deeply objectionable is wrong.
“President Obama has again mistaken America’s tolerance for different lifestyles with an endorsement of those lifestyles. I will not make that mistake.”

Aww, hell no! Instead Rick Perry will make the mistake of thinking that the only people in the world are obese racist old white people who live in the American south, and equate the rights of gay people to paying income tax.

But, don't worry Rick! Everyone knows no more Republicans will accidentally turn gay as a result of this new policy. That's what Teletubbies, the Military, and Craigslist is for!

[image via AP/Wonkette]

The Fighter In Herman Cain Wants To Keep Running For President, But The Lover In Him Has Forced His Premature Evacuation

2011-12-07T00:00:00.000-06:00

Horny Godfather of grabassery Herman No He Cain't has gone and done the unthinkable. No, no, not shove another unsuspecting woman's head into his crotch or offer financial assistance to a dear "friend" by secretly putting his penis into her vagina at various hotels around the country. The other unthinkable thing, effectively ending his hilarious presidential campaign of one weird, humiliating gaffe and sexual harassment charge after another.

Oh, the Hermanity!

The New York Times reports on this unfolding tragedy:

An unapologetic and defiant Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign on Saturday, pledging that he “would not go away” even as he abandoned hope of winning the Republican nomination in the face of escalating accusations of sexual misconduct.
“As of today, with a lot of prayer and soul searching, I am suspending my presidential campaign,” Mr. Cain said at a rally that was originally planned to be the grand opening of his national campaign headquarters in Atlanta. “Because of the continued distractions, the continued hurt caused on me and my family, not because we are not fighters. Not because I’m not a fighter.”

But because he's a lover. And not just any lover, but a lover of creepy, unwanted sexual advances and crappy pizza stocked on gas station shelves.

He's also a fighter. Especially when it involves facts of any kind. Particularly the kind that has nice round breasts and a full, come-hither mouth it can use to call the media and give all the juicy details about the lover-fighter that is Herman Cain.

"I am not going to be silenced and I am not going away," he said with his wife Gloria at his side, vowing to continue to be "a voice for the people."

Especially the ladies. Whether they like it or not.

"I am disappointed that it came to this point, that we had to make this decision," Cain said. "These false and untrue allegations continue to be spinned in the media, and in the court of public opinion so as to create a cloud of doubt over me and this campaign and my family. That spin hurts. It hurts my wife. It hurts my family. It hurts me. And it hurts the American people, because you are being denied solutions to our problems."

Like the irresistibly sweet, black walnutty taste of Herman's Candy Cain?

"So one of declarations I want to make to you today is that I am at peace with my God. I am at peace with my wife, and she is at peace with me. And I am at peace with my family and at peace with myself," Cain said.

And with whatever hot piece of ass he befriends to help with her finances next.

Cain did, however, vow to keep fighting for his unique brand of conservatism (the crazy kind?) through his awesome new website, thecainsolution.com: 9-9-9 The Movie: Slaying the Tax Monster.

Likely followed by its sequel thecaindissolution.com: 9-9-9 The Divorce: Resurrecting The Pants Monster.

Looks like America will just have to grope its way back to prosperity, without the helping hand of Herman Cain, Godfather of Love.

Although, on the bright side, at least he gets to spend more time with his families.

[image via New York Times]

Michele Bachmann Generously Offers To Let Gays Get Straight Married, Just Like Marcus Bachmann Did!

2011-12-03T00:00:00.000-06:00

Minnesota hellwoman and (un)equal rights warrior Michele Bachmann is no stranger to fighting for the little people, those least able to speak for themselves, like the li'l fairy living inside Marcus and the various insane voices living inside her head.

Which is why Michele is working hard to ensure that the civil rights of all Americans are protected, but especially the white heterosexual Christian ones because they are better and infinitely more important, according to Jesus and the Constitution.

But it's not as if Michele is saying gay people shouldn't get married because they are gross abominations of God who will burn in eternal hellfire for their gross gay sins. Not at all! She's simply saying that if gays feel the need to get hitched so damn badly, they can go ahead and feel free to marry a person of the opposite sex, like normal, decent Americans who make a living secretly praying the gay away.

"[Gay people] can get married,” she says, “But they abide by the same law as everyone else. They can marry a man if they’re a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they’re a man." Oooh, so many options!

So straight people can marry who they love, and gay people can marry a straight person because this is how "civil rights" works, or at least according to someone with a mail-order law degree from Crazy Christian U and unshakeable belief that mandatory HPV vaccinations make you retarded.

Luckily, one thoughtful young woman and president of Waverly High School's Gay-Straight Alliance, Jane Schmidt, apparently missed her government-forced vaccination/mental retardation shot because she confronted Miss Bachmann on her obvious inability to make any sense whatsoever.

JANE SCHMIDT: One of my main concerns is government support for the LGBT community. So my question is what would you do to protect GSAs in high school and support the LGBT community.
BACHMANN: Well, No. 1, all of us as Americans have the same rights. The same civil rights. And so that's really what government's role is, to protect our civil rights. There shouldn't be any special rights or special set of criteria based upon people's preferences. We all have the same civil rights.
JANE SCHMIDT: Then, why can't same-sex couples get married?
BACHMANN: They can get married, but they abide by the same law as everyone else. They can marry a man if they’re a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they're a man.
JANE SCHMIDT: Why can't a man marry a man?
BACHMANN: Because that's not the law of the land.
JANE SCHMIDT: So heterosexual couples have a privilege.
BACHMANN: No, they have the same opportunity under the law. There is no right to same-sex marriage.
JANE SCHMIDT: So you won't support the LGBT community?
BACHMANN: No, I said that there are no special rights for people based upon your sex practices. There's no special rights based upon what you do in your sex life. You're an American citizen first and foremost and that's it.
BACHMANN: Remember every American citizen has the right to avail themselves to marriage but they have to follow what the laws are. And the laws are you marry a person of the opposite sex.

Exactly! It's common decency! Kind of like when an insane congresswoman goes on some psychotic, incoherent, mind-numbingly illogical rant, it is your duty to point out the fact that gay marriage is indeed lawful in Iowa, where she was speaking. Not in Minnesota, of course, which at least makes a pretty good legal argument for how she ended up married to Marcus Bachmann.

Though on the bright side, according to the Constitution, Michele is still free to go fuck herself.

Which comes as quite a relief. Not least of all to Marcus!

[image via The Raw Story]

Not Even Rick Perry Is Drinking Rick Perry's Kool-Aid, Unless It's Spiked With Bacardi, Served With An Umbrella Straw & Moves Elections To An Imaginary Date In Some Drunk Fool's Mind

2011-12-01T00:00:00.000-06:00

When not embarrassing himself on national teevee by forgetting which of the big, bad, Socialist, gubmint programs he can't wait to get rid of (edukayshun?) in the middle of a prime-time Republican debate, Slick Rick Perry is usually content to just get drunk and embarrass himself away from the bright glare of the spotlight, like, say at an obscure New Hampshire town hall meeting no one cares about anyway. Or maybe just skip the booze and embarrass himself doing what he does best (besides swigging from a secret flask and executing inmates): opening his big fat trap and saying something ridiculously stupid, it makes Herman Cain look like a total jenius in comparison. I'm talking Albert Feinstein level!

Like when Rick Perry attempts to lock up a presidential victory by reminding the good people of New Hampshire to vote for him, Rick "Jesus" Perry, on November 12, a solid week after the actual November 6 presidential election, when no one else will even be running anymore, unless of course they know a thing or two about flux capacitors in 1985 DeLoreans. Solid strategy, Slick!

Even better is when Rick Perry decides to move the legal voting age from 18 to 21, because, c'mon, what's an election without getting smashed out of your mind first? Certainly not any election Rick Perry has any chance of winning.

“Those of you that will be 21 by November the 12th, I ask for your support and your vote. Those of you who won’t be, work hard.”

Hear that New Hampshire?

Rick Perry is imploring all of you to please work hard, getting as drunk as ~~humanly possible~~ Rick Perry, so that you mistakenly vote for him in the one election he actually has a chance to win: the fictional kind.

But it's not as if Perry's whole brain is drowning in a delicious sea of Jameson and Patrón. The dwindling patch of functioning neurons remaining in Rick Perry's ethanol-soaked mind did manage to comprehend that some desperate, insane (shit-faced?) wingnuts may still want a few reasons to pick Rick, so he gave 'em something they can really sink their teeth (or at least what's left of them) into: what to do with all those pesky brown people doing the gritty jobs and hard manual labor beneath the average white supremacist hillybilly Perry supporter.

“What we need is a president that has the courage, who has the will to implement and send the resources to that border to secure it.”

Oooh, like Herman Cain and his possibly-electrified border fence with the alligator-filled moat??

Speaking of illegal immigrants arrested for non-violent crimes, Perry said, “My policy will be to detain and deport every illegal alien who is apprehended in this country.”

In other words, he will round up everyone who has already been rounded up, and then do, umm, whatever it is that incompetent idiot Republican governors of Texas do with poor non-white minorities: ~~kill them~~ secretly employ them as maids, gardeners, or an extra set of hands to help herd the cattle and groom the horses on their sprawling ranch.

Either way, Herman Cain, Michelle Bachmann, and Newt Gingrich better watch out, because the race to the bottom is officially heating up.

And no Rick, we don't mean the wooden barrel where you store your moonshine.

For God's sake, Rick, didn't anyone tell you you're not required to get wasted every time you speak in public?

The mind may be a terrible thing to waste. But I guess, in Rick Perry's case, an even more terrible waste would be if he actually had a mind.

[image via The Daily Beast]

Holy Twit! Kansas High School Student Won't Apologize For Saying Gov. Sam Brownback Sucks Harder Than A Topeka Twister

2011-11-29T00:00:00.000-06:00

War of the Words (in 150 or less): Brownback v. Sullivan

Thin-skinned crybaby Kansas governor of creationism and trolling Twitter feeds for meany comments by teenage girls, Sam Brownback, has decided to stop harassing 18-year-old high school students and start slashing arts education and civil rights for gays like the wise, compassionate Republican statesman he is.

Which is good news because Kansas was almost becoming a desirable place to live, if you're the kind of person who enjoys illiterate, gun-crazed wingnuts telling you what you can or cannot do with your body, while 300 mph tornadoes whip around cattle, buildings, and any remnants of civilization not tied down.

And you better believe Gov. Sam Brownback intends to keep it that way. Which is why he decided not to continue his insane wingnut quest to destroy the life of Emma Sullivan, an 18-year-old Kansas high school senior and member of the Youth In Government program who, during a field trip to the state capital, tweeted a joke about Brownback's dumbass speech to the students: “Just made mean comments at gov brownback and told him he sucked, in person #heblowsalot.”

OMG, the nerve! #kidsarecrazythesedays!

The Kansas City Star reports:

She actually made no such comments. “Joking around,” Sullivan says of the incident. Brownback’s director of communication wasn’t amused when the tweet was spotted during the routine daily monitoring of comments on Twitter and Facebook mentioning the governor’s name.
“That wasn’t respectful,” responded Sherriene Jones-Sontag. “In order to really have a constructive dialogue, there has to be mutual respect.”
Brownback’s brief speech to the students encouraged them to “be active in their government, community and public service,” Jones-Sontag says.

Nevermind that Sam Brownback really does "suck" and according to most everybody with a functional brain and opposable thumb, also really "blows a lot." Sherriene Jones-Sontag is so right! The best way to encourage students to participate in government and community affairs is by forcing them to shut their fucking mouths and do as they're told. Respectfully.

Even better is for the Governor's staff to troll Twitter feeds of teenagers and upon finding an offensive (because it's true) joke about their very own wingnut imbecile Teabagger-in-Chief, call the schoolgirl's principal to demand an immediate apology and force her to pinky swear never to utter any meany words about a certain elected public official with a serious Napoleon complex ever ever again.

But being the smart liberal young gal she is and not the cretinous Teabagger paradigm for "What's the Matter With Kansas?" Emma Sullivan refused to write some dumb letter of ~~lies~~ apology to Gov. Brownback because for one thing, she isn't sorry and still thinks he's a big idiotface who totally blows.

Apparently in Kansas, sticking to your guns works, with the school already backing down, because seriously who needs this kind of publicity? Certainly not Shawnee Mission School District who decided that Emma Sullivan does not need to write a letter of apology and won’t face any repercussions. Instead, releasing a statement saying they've "reviewed recent events surrounding the reported tweet by Shawnee Mission East High School student Emma Sullivan" and "[acknowledged] a student's right to freedom of speech and expression is constitutionally protected."

Guess who else relented in the face of free speech cries about a person's constitutional right to Tweet? That's right, the very yellow-bellied Brownbacked wingnut Governor who started this whole brouhaha in the first place.

Oh, and turns out, it was all his stupid staff's fault for over-reacting to the tweet:

"My staff over-reacted to this tweet, and for that I apologize. Freedom of speech is among our most treasured freedoms.
"I enjoyed speaking to the more than 100 students who participated in the Youth in Government Program at the Kansas Capitol. They are our future.
"I also want to thank the thousands of Kansas educators who remind us daily of our liberties, as well as the values of civility and decorum.
"Again, I apologize for our over-reaction."

Haha, score one for Emma Sullivan who, despite everything you thought, is actually lucky to live in Kansas.

Hell, Rick Perry would've had her executed.

Don't worry, Brownback, it gets better! Except then I don't think we'd be in Kansas anymore.

[Images via Getty]

Poll: Fox News Viewers Less Informed Than Those Who Read No News; Which Is Weird Because Fox News Hosts Believe Pepper Spray Is A "Food Product, Essentially"

2011-11-23T00:00:00.000-06:00

OMG, did you hear the crazy, Earth-shattering, mind-blowing news? No, no not that fat, crazed, out-of-control cops are pepper-spraying college students eyeballs out, macing old ladies, stomping on peaceful protesters, billy clubbing defenseless women and children, and bloodying the faces of law-abiding citizens in every major city around the country. The other headline-busting story about how Fox News is — gasp!—basically as informative and knowledge-providing as staring at an empty cardboard box for hours on end, or at least according to Fairleigh Dickinson University’s latest PublicMind poll.

Well, actually, that's not really 100 percent accurate, since watching a cardboard box doesn't usually suck knowledge from your brain like a new Dyson upright vacuum with ball technology, as is the case with Fox.

From the report:

The poll — which asked New Jerseyans where they find news and information about current events — found that Sunday morning news shows are the most informative, while Fox News actually leads people to be less informed than those who consume no news at all.

The poll focused partly on popular uprisings in Egypt and Syria. Asked whether the people of Egypt successfully topped Hosni Mubarak’s regime, 49 percent of Fox News viewers answered “yes” — the lowest on the scale — while 68 percent of NPR listeners answered in the affirmative, the highest on the scale.

Those who watch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart performed well on the questions. Sixty percent of Daily Show viewers correctly answered that opposition forces in Syria have not yet toppled the government, second only to NPR. Forty-five percent of Fox News viewers answered “no.”

As Dan Cassino, a political science professor at Fairleigh Dickinson and an analyst for the poll, explained, "The (poll’s) results show us that there is something about watching Fox News that leads people to do worse on these questions than those who don’t watch any news at all."

Ummm, is that something named Gretchen Carlson??

Or maybe it's that other sexy blonde genius with the really deep, profound observations. No, not not Steve Doocy, although he is sexy. Think more vapid hair product sidekick who has big boobs not acts like one.

That's right, folks! It's everyone's favorite shrill voice of ~~treason~~ reason and idiotically spelled first names, Megyn Kelly who, along with fellow patriotic, non-pinhead patriarch Papa Bill O'Reilly sat down to discuss what really happened at UC Davis and teach all of America why it is perfectly acceptable for heavily militarized security guards to viciously attack a group of sitting students with pepper spray.

Oh, Fox yeah!

But wait a minute, O’Reilly said. “I don't think we have the right to Monday morning quarterback the police.”

OMG, he's so right! Peter King of Sports Illustrated is already in charge of that whole Monday Morning Quarterback thing.

“Especially at a place like UC Davis, which is a fairly liberal campus.”

Because liberals are not people. They are like buzzing hordes of locusts who deserve to be swatted, sprayed, or squashed in whatever manner deemed fit. Of course, if this were Liberty University, God forbid, and some psycho police lieutenant decided to generously and nonchalantly dust peacefully sitting protesters with pepper spray from point spray range, then maybe Papa Bear would have a problem with it.

“Pepper spray, that just burns your eyes, right?” O’Reilly asked Kelly.

OMG, totes! Just like getting Tased is exactly the same feeling as putting on socks and shuffling across carpet before touching your friend.

“Right,” Kelly said. “I mean, its like a derivative of actual pepper. It’s a food product, essentially.”

Exactly! Like jalapeno poppers, or salsa con queso. In fact, if you spray it on pizza, you have a federally recommended meal and an FDA-approved daily serving of vegetables, essentially.

Now, look, Megyn and Bill aren't saying the cops did the right thing or anything! God, no! "I agree [the tape] looks bad," Kelly said.

But looks can be deceiving! I mean Megyn looks like she just clocked out of the lunch shift at Hooters after an all-night coke and sex party at some 18-year old's house whose parents are out of town, but really she is a respected teevee news journalist (and lawyer?) on a very respectable, fair and balanced news network!

It's just that the protesters were sitting in a place where they weren't allowed to sit, so it's kind of their own fault!

Serves those pesky, rabble-rousing, hippie dippie college students right thinking they can just sit anywhere on campus, just because they paid tens of thousands of dollars in tuition for the very privilege to do so.

Besides, the police were just doing what the Chancellor told them, to try and clear the “Occupy” protesters’ encampment.

See, they were just following orders! It's not like anything bad ever comes out of that, right?

Whatever. The point is what right do we, tax-paying citizens, have to judge a publicly-funded cop for spraying a delicious (and nutritious!) simple food product in the faces of a crowd of college kids? (Maybe he was just trying to feed them?).

And not just any college kids. Liberal college kids doing something criminal and dangerous.

Like speaking out against the real people hurt by all this, the poor, long-suffering Corporations.

Because everyone knows liberals don't want to eat powerful pepper blasting from aerosol cans. They'd much prefer to eat the rich instead.

[image via TPM]

Herman Cain Likes His Women Like He Likes His Pizza: Dense, Round & Stuffed Full Of Manly Meat!

2011-11-20T00:00:00.000-06:00

Charming black walnut Herman Cain may have a way with the ladies (open-hand ass slaps only!), an uncanny knack for finding new and exciting ways to contradict himself on whatever subject matter is currently being discussed (you name it, he'll waiver on it!), and the unparalleled ability to offend anyone and everyone with his constant buffoonery, outrageous blunders, and cartoonish lack of knowledge on anything not related to dough, sauce, cheese and sexually harassing whatever hot tits in a skirt he hired to ride the Cain train now.

Chug-a-Chug-a-Chug-a-Choo-Choo!!

But it seems no matter how many women he's sexually harassed, policy questions he's "answered" (knowledge is for pussies!) with some insane combination of monosyllabic grunts and nursery rhyme gibberish, the runaway freight train that is the Herman Cain Presidential Express refuses to be derailed.

Just the opposite, in fact. You see, Cain is sort of like the political equivalent of Bigfoot; the more science disproves its existence, the more people become convinced that this elusive, mythical creature is currentlycamped out in their backyards. Because whenever Hermy says or does something mind-blowingly dumb (pick your fave, cringe-worthy "OMG is he serious?" moment), his poll numbers actually go up.

So what in the name of 9-9-9 is the secret to Herman Caini-Caini-Caini-Cain-Cain's improbable rise to the top of the GOP pack? Desperation? Perhaps. He is not Mitt Romney? No doubt. He is a walking, talking comedy routine and the polar opposite of a viable presidential candidate? Cain I get a hell yes!?

Just look to the Cain-Wreck's recent GQ interview to see why, despite the whole electrocute Messicans, screw the poors, push ladies heads in his crotch stuff, America just can't resist the one-of-a-kind Cain you don't even need to snort to feel its crazy, mind-numbing effects.

Alan Richman: Do you eat pizza as much as people say you eat pizza?
Herman Cain: No, because I'm very particular about the pizza that I eat. Godfather's is still a premium-quality product, and I cannot always find that. It's got to be as good as Godfather's or I won't eat it.

Oh, so that explains his campaign! It just has to be as good as Godfather's, a brand so delectable, you can only find it in gas stations in the most podunk cities around the country. Not just quality, Herman Cain quality!

Alan Richman: I understand that you like lots of meat on your pizza. Is this true?
Herman Cain: Yes.
Alan Richman: We won't do it today, but we'll have to argue about this one day, because I'm a crust man.
Herman Cain: You like a thin crust?
Alan Richman: I like a crunchy crust. You just want the meat piled on?
Herman Cain: No, no, no. We balance the ingredients to achieve what we call "a harmony of flavor."
Alan Richman: This sounds like a Republican platform.
Herman Cain: [laughs] We don't just throw stuff on there. We actually test, "Do you have too much sausage? Too much beef?" Because we want to balance the flavor out. So it is more scientifically developed than it might appear.

Ugh science?? I think we can safely say there's clearly nothing Republican about that!

Chris Heath: What can you tell about a man by the type of pizza that he likes?
Herman Cain: [repeats the question aloud, then pauses for a long moment] The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is.
Chris Heath: Why is that?
Herman Cain: Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance. [laughs]
Devin Gordon: Is that purely a meat question?
Herman Cain: A manly man don't want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.

And Herman Cain ain't no sissy! C'mon, would a sissy continuously stuff his pie hole full of various carcinogenic pig parts after recovering from Stage IV colon cancer less than five years earlier? 9-9-9!! Manly Meat for president!!

Chris Heath: What's the best piece of pizza you've ever had?
Herman Cain: Obviously I'm going to say Godfather's.
Chris Heath: But is it true?
Herman Cain: It is true. It gets back to top-quality ingredients.

Obviously, I'm going to say you're full of shit because everyone knows Godfather's is the worst. Hell, not even Papa John will go near that shit.

Devin Gordon: Let me ask you about your rivals. Recently, in response to a question about you being the new "flavor of the month," you said you weren't a flavor of the month, you were Häagen-Dazs black walnut, which "tastes good all the time." If Mitt Romney was an ice cream flavor, what flavor would he be?
Herman Cain: Oh, just plain vanilla. [laughs]... Do you guys really want to do this ice cream analogy?
Devin Gordon: We do. Rick Perry?
Herman Cain: Rick Perry: rocky road.
Devin Gordon: Michele Bachmann?
Herman Cain: Michele Bachmann... I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say it.
(Please don't say tits, please don't say tits!)
Devin Gordon: Oh, come on!
Herman Cain: Tutti-frutti. I know I'm going to get in trouble!
(At least he didn't say tits!)
Chris Heath: Ron Paul?
Herman Cain: Let me finish chewing! [pointing to the Godfather's-inspired pie] This is my favorite by far. I love the sausage, the mushrooms, the sausage. Love it.
Alan Richman: You know it could go on the menu.
Chris Heath: This is testosterone-packed.
(And you know how Herman loves his hot male hormones!)
Herman Cain: Yeah, loaded. If you're worried about cholesterol and calories, don't go into a pizza place in the first place.
Chris Heath: I threw you off. Ron Paul?
Herman Cain: I just don't have a good description for Ron Paul, because he's just not an ice cream flavor.

What, crusty old balls isn't a flavor?

Chris Heath: Completely different subject. I'm interested in this Donna Summer song that you quoted in the debates and you quoted in your book.
[In an August debate, in his closing statement, Cain quoted a favorite lyric sung by Donna Summer in "The Power of One," though he described her only as a "poet."—CH]
Herman Cain: I heard the song in a collage that NBC put together following the 2000 Olympics. And as it turns out, the song comes from the Pokémon movie, and I didn't know that.
(I always thought that was secret code for banging David Bowie's wife Iman!)
Chris Heath: It's the theme of the movie.

Herman Cain: That's what I've been told. And so I fell in love with this song, fell in love with how she sang the song, and fell in love with the words. Committed it to memory. Now, why did I commit it to memory? Because one of the things that I did before I ran for president is I was a professional speaker. Not a motivational speaker—an inspirational speaker. Motivation comes from within. You have to be inspired. That's what I do. I inspire people, I inspire the public, I inspire my staff. I inspired the organizations I took over to want to succeed. I love the song: [almost singing] Life can be a challenge / Life can seem impossible / It's never easy, when there is so much on the line / But you can make a difference. [laughs]
Chris Heath: Are you a big Donna Summer fan?
Herman Cain: Yes.
Chris Heath: What are other songs of hers that you love?
Herman Cain: [long pause] Didn't she do "Work Hard for Your Money"?
Chris Heath: Yes. [A Freudian-Republican inaccuracy on his part; he means "She Works Hard for the Money."—CH]
Herman Cain: That's one of my favorite ones.

Herman Cain likes a woman who knows how to work hard for her money, if you know what I mean. Wink wink.

Devin Gordon: What did you think about the fuss around your comments about Muslims. [Cain said in March that, if elected, he wouldn't feel "comfortable" appointing a Muslim to his cabinet] Did you think that you were treated fairly in that conversation?
Herman Cain: No, because a lot of people misrepresented what I said. I know that there are peaceful Muslims, and there are extremists. I have nothing against peaceful Muslims. Nothing whatsoever. But I also know that we must be careful of extremists and we must be careful of the tendency by some groups in this country to infuse their beliefs into our laws and our culture.
Devin Gordon: Do you think that there is a greater tendency among the Muslim faith for that kind of extremism?
Herman Cain: That would be a judgment call that I'm probably not qualified to make, because I can't speak on behalf of the entire Muslim community.

Oh fuck it, he's never let that stop him before!

Herman Cain: I have talked with Muslims that are peaceful Muslims. And I have had one very well known Muslim voice say to me directly that a majority of Muslims share the extremist views...I can't tell you his name, but he is a very prominent voice in the Muslim community, and he said that.
Chris Heath: I just find that hard to believe.
Herman Cain: I find it hard to believe.
Chris Heath: But you're believing it?
Herman Cain: Yes, because of the respect that I have for this individual. Because when he told me this, he said he wouldn't want to be quoted or identified as having said that.
(And also because he's the same man who believes an electrified fence surrounded by an alligator-infested moat is a reasonable immigration policy).

Thank heavens Herman Cain is very close with the voice of the American Muslim, and he is finally able to use this anonymous unverified source to reach a broad, sweeping generalization about an entire group of people. Because we all know how much Herman Cain loooooves anonymous, unnamed sources making serious allegations!

Chris Heath: You've said that you find it hard to be politically correct. Why do you find it hard?
Herman Cain: When you learn how to be politically correct, you sound like all of the other politicians.
(In that you actually make sense?)
Herman Cain: People like my directness and my bluntness. What happens when you become so worried about being politically correct, you find yourself not saying anything. Because you're trying to offend the least number of people. I'm trying to attract the greatest number of people. Different strategy.

Ummm, ok, so how does that work exactly? He says whatever his red meat-engorged heart desires and doesn't give a hoot if people get mad or who he offends because that will make, umm, more people like him??

Ow, my ladybrain hurts.

Chris Heath: Are you at all worried that you could say something that could derail everything?
Herman Cain: Uh, no. I could, but not worried about it. And if I did, so be it.
("Que Sera, Sera, Whatever Will Be, Will Be...")

Devin Gordon: So what's the final score card here? Which pizza was your favorite?
Herman Cain: The man pizza! The manly pizza! That was great. It was loaded; it had the great sausage on it. It had the mushrooms on it.
(But really it was the sausage.)
[Everybody rises to leave.]
Herman Cain: Hey, guys, I've enjoyed it. But it's been stressful. [laughs] That probably wasn't politically correct, was it?
Devin Gordon: Compared to Meet the Press?
Herman Cain: That was stressful!
Devin Gordon: We at least gave you pizza.
Herman Cain: Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did.

But you Herman Cain gave us much much more. All the manly sausage we ladyfolk could stomach. Oh, and whatever "meat" topping was on the pizza was pretty good too.

Guess you could say it was an offer we couldn't refuse.

Or at least if we wanted to keep our job, that is.

[image via Lisa F. Young/Shutterstock]

Supremely Scary: Nine Rich, Old People In Robes To Decide Fate Of Nation's Health Care

2011-11-15T00:00:00.000-06:00

Rejoice, America! Barack Obama's signature Socialist legislation, the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, a.k.a. Obamacare, which doesn't so much insure all Americans with actual health care as it does no longer allow billionaire health care executives to cackle wildly while doing the jitterbug on the sick, weakened bodies of children denied coverage, is finally heading to the Supreme Court, where nine men and women dressed in glorified Snuggies will rule on its Constitutionality, like whether your heart arrhythmia makes you 3/5ths what the white landowner with the robust, perfectly-beating heart next to you's worth.

Hooray?

But will the wonderful, infallible pro-slavery document of the late 1700s permit American citizens the right to not die, penniless and alone in the streets, even if it's not explicitly covered within its tattered, yellow pages of animal parchment?

From Reuters:

The Supreme Court agreed on Monday to decide the fate of President Barack Obama’s healthcare law, with an election-year ruling due by July on the healthcare system’s biggest overhaul in nearly 50 years.

The decision had been widely expected since late September, when the Obama administration asked the nation’s highest court to uphold the centerpiece insurance provision and 26 states separately asked that the entire law be struck down.

And then, if all goes well, drowned in a lake of brimstone and fire with the rest of the sinful acts of justice like Social Security, Civil Rights, and Voting Rights, where it belongs.

At the heart of the legal battle is whether the Congress overstepped its powers by requiring all Americans to buy health insurance by 2014 or pay a penalty, a provision known as the individual mandate.

Legal experts and policy analysts said the healthcare vote may be close on the nine-member court, with five conservatives and four liberals. It could come down to moderate conservative Justice Anthony Kennedy, who often casts the decisive vote.

The law, aiming to provide more than 30 million uninsured Americans with medical coverage, has wide ramifications for company costs and for the health sector, affecting health insurers, drugmakers, device companies and hospitals.

A decision by July would bring the healthcare issue to the heart of the presidential election campaign. Polls show Americans are deeply divided over the overhaul, Obama's signature domestic achievement.

Less divided are the fringe-right millionaire and billionaire business executives, who thanks to the biggest provisions of the law not taking effect until 2014, have a rare chance to completely erase the whole Obamacare "affordable insurance for everyone" fiasco before it actually happens.

But what about the people, you ask?

The people???

Ugh, to health with them!!

So, remember those death panels you keep hearing about?

It's called the Supreme Court.

[image via AP]

Hey Ladies, Want A Job? Herman Cain's Got A Stimulus Package Designed Just For You!

2011-11-09T00:00:00.001-06:00

Ah, remember the good old days when the conveniently vague, creepy sexual harassment accusations against everyone's favorite Black Walnut/Godfather of unwanted sexual advances Herman Cain were kept secret from the innocent, tender ears of the American people, so as to spare us the sordid details of all the gross sexytime things Herman Cain likes to say and do when harassing vulnerable, unsuspecting women looking for a job? (We know, we know, he just wanted to give her a position on his staff!).

Well thanks to Cain accuser #4, Sharon Bialek, it's blissful ignorance no more, my friends!

Sharon Bialek, accompanied by the celebrity lawyer Gloria Allred, became the first woman to publicly accuse the presidential candidate of sexual harassment, saying that she wants to “give a voice” to other women who might have been harassed by Mr. Cain during his tenure at the association.

Bialek detailed Cain's sexual overture, explaining that he spent money on a palatial hotel suite for her at the time of their meeting. When they saw each other in the evening, Bialek said he put his hand on her leg, "reached for [her] genitals" and pushed her head toward his crotch.

When Bialek objected, Cain asked her: "You want a job, right?"

After all, he is Herman Cain, America's premier job creator. Blow job creator, that is.

Bialek called on Cain to "come clean about what you did," saying: "Mr. Cain, I implore you, make this right."

Whatever do you mean, Sharon? Cain is already right when he continuously insists that those "harassment" charges are false, in that they are actually more like "assault."

Which is weird because Herman Cain always seemed so likeable, especially in non-rapey situations, like when preaching about electrocuting Mexicans, blaming poors for their own miserable, pathetic lives, and telling women what they can and cannot do with their tight li'l bods.

Almost as weird as not one, not two, not three, but four different women all having the very same ridiculous hogwash story about a man, no, make that a Herman, as perfectly innocent as every other serial sex harassing boss who helps a former employee get a job by groping her genitals. Herman Cain y'all!

From The New York Times:

In an interview after Ms. Bialek’s news conference, Joel P. Bennett, a lawyer for one of Mr. Cain’s anonymous accusers, said that Ms. Bialek’s claims were “very similar” in nature to the incident that occurred between his client and Mr. Cain.

“It corroborates the claim,” Mr. Bennett said of Ms. Bialek’s allegation. Asked whether that meant that Mr. Cain had physically touched his client inappropriately, Mr. Bennett said “I can’t get more specific” but added that “I can say it is corroborating.”

Ooooh, sounds sexy!

Oh, what, Uz no wanna Fucki-Fucki-Sucki-Sucki-Cain-Cain??

9-9-9!!!

Gee, some people just can't take no for an answer. Least of all Herman Cain.

Because much like being a real presidential candidate, he's simply not Abel!

[image via AP]

It's Halloween In (Corporate) America! Do You Have Your Homeless Person Costume Yet?

2011-11-03T00:00:00.001-05:00

When you think of the perfect Halloween costume, usually the first thing that comes to mind is something that really captures the terrifying reality and unimaginable desperation of homeless people, with no food to eat, clothes to wear, or even a roof over their heads. Because, seriously, what makes you want to dive into a king size Snickers and satisfy that hunger more than the hilarious suffering of the most downtrodden and desperate among us?

Well, to the employees at the foreclosure mill law offices of Steven J. Baum, the answer is absolutely nothing, because people too pathetically poor and down on their luck to keep their homes are worthless, gross "others" who deserve nothing but scorn, mockery, and our deepest contempt.

Nevermind that these same employees, or at least the ones pictured above, look like your average legal assistants, secretaries, paralegals, administrative assistants, receptionists, file clerks and low-level litigators, and are all probably behind on their own mortgages and much closer to financial catastrophe than they'd care to admit (the firm is in freakin' Buffalo, after all). The point is that in order to keep these workers content to keep toiling away as wage slaves to this utterly evil law firm, and work tirelessly against the interests of the rest of the nation’s wage slaves, they must dehumanize their neighbors and fellow citizens fighting foreclosure as sub-human specimens unworthy of even the slightest tinge of mercy or compassion.

Which reminds me of another group of ~~willing executioners~~ innocent li'l lemmings who didn't mean to exterminate six million Jews as if they were the bubonic plague or anything, but were simply following orders!

From The New York Times:

On Friday, the law firm of Steven J. Baum threw a Halloween party. The party is the firm’s big annual bash. Employees wear Halloween costumes to the office, where they party until around noon, and then return to work, still in costume. I can’t tell you how people dressed for this year’s party, but I can tell you about last year’s.

That’s because a former employee of Steven J. Baum recently sent me snapshots of last year’s party. In an e-mail, she said that she wanted me to see them because they showed an appalling lack of compassion toward the homeowners — invariably poor and down on their luck — that the Baum firm had brought foreclosure proceedings against.

When we spoke later, she added that the snapshots are an accurate representation of the firm’s mind-set. “There is this really cavalier attitude,” she said. “It doesn’t matter that people are going to lose their homes.” Nor does the firm try to help people get mortgage modifications; the pressure, always, is to foreclose. I told her I wanted to post the photos on The Times’s Web site so that readers could see them. She agreed, but asked to remain anonymous because she said she fears retaliation.

Let me describe a few of the photos. In one, two Baum employees are dressed like homeless people. One is holding a bottle of liquor. The other has a sign around her neck that reads: “3rd party squatter. I lost my home and I was never served.” My source said that “I was never served” is meant to mock “the typical excuse” of the homeowner trying to evade a foreclosure proceeding.

A second picture shows a coffin with a picture of a woman whose eyes have been cut out. A sign on the coffin reads: “Rest in Peace. Crazy Susie.” The reference is to Susan Chana Lask, a lawyer who had filed a class-action suit against Steven J. Baum — and had posted a YouTube video denouncing the firm’s foreclosure practices. “She was a thorn in their side,” said my source.

Apparently, so is the New York Attorney General, who has already forced the ~~criminal organization~~ law firm to pay $2 million in fines to avoid further prosecution over its illegal (not to mention immoral) foreclosure practices. But much like any successful Mafioso, the low-level staffers who make the whole operation tick are taught to see their victims as worthless nobodies, feel nothing for those who suffer, and occasionally parade around as caricatures of the victims of their own unchecked greed.

This isn't a trick or treat, just American "corporate culture" in all its frightfully ghoulish transparency.

But it's not class warfare. Not at all. It's classy warfare. Sorry you poor pathetic schlubs don't understand the difference.

Now, if you don't mind, please lay your wretched, broken body down on the ground so I can walk across this puddle without ruining my new Jimmy Choos. They cost me an arm and leg. And I don't mean that figuratively.

After all, the path to hell isn't paved with good intentions, it's paved with the sorrow, anguish, and liquor soaked foreclosure notices of the law firm of Steven J. Baum.

Mwahahaha!

[images via New York Times]

Newt Gingrich & Herman Cain To Compete In "Modified Lincoln-Douglas Debate," In That They Only Use 3/5ths Of Their Brains

2011-10-29T00:00:00.001-05:00

Grab your Gideons, prep your muskets, sharpen your bayonets, throw on your colonial best and head on down to Houston, Texas for the can't-miss event of the year, the clash of two GOP presidential titans Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich. Wait, did I say can't miss?? Haha silly me! I meant can't watch, since no television network wants to touch that shit with a ten foot pole, forcing those who wish to watch two psychos prattle on about electrocuting Messicans, the tyranny of affordable health care, and why corporations are people but poors aren't, to use heave their obese, diabetic bodies into Humvees, pickup trucks, and Socialist Medicaire scooters and make the trek themselves! Now, that's some good, old fashioned American can-do spirit right there!

And much like Newt Gingrich's third mistress-turned-wife's penchant for Tiffany diamonds and Herman Cain's 999 tax plan/Godfathers pizza daily deal-o-rama, this Tea Party Patriot-sponsored Texas two-step don't come cheap!

General admission for what is being billed as a "modified Lincoln–Douglas debate," the modification, one can only assume, being that they both argue in favor of slavery, costs $200, although the price includes a slice of “good ole apple pie,” because apparently black walnuts is something Republicans want to elect president not use as filling for a round, deliciously moist, flaky pie.

"Then there’s the 'Patron Ticket,' which costs $500. Patron-level purchasers will get 'prime seating' and admission to a Nite Cap party after the debate, as well as a chance to mingle with the candidates over drinks and hors d’oerves afterward."

Oooh, as long as they are unregulated, uninspected, and untainted by dirty government hands (salmonella, she is a beauty), count me in!

"Top-level donors will pay $1,000 for the best seating in the house (panic room?), a special room at the Woodlands Resort in Houston for the Nite Cap party, and a 'professional picture' taken with the candidates."

By professional picture, I assume they mean gagged, bound, and forced into a naked pyramid complete with a dog leash around your neck, and your choice of semi-automatic weapon nudging you into position. Nothing says fun like an M16 Caliber 5.56 mm in your backside.

Or for those looking for something a little spicier, how about a nice slice of Godfather's latest, greatest culinary creation, Hot 'n Spicy Tex Mex pizza in honor of Herman Cain's similarly themed, similarly brilliant electrified border fence immigration policy: refried Mexicans.

"Students can get in for $150, but those tickets are sold out."

Funny, so did the students!!

So, the Texas Tea Party Patriots will host, blue-eyed nutjob Rep. Steve King will moderate (aka grunt, wink, and cheer when appropriate like talk of poor people dying, gay soldiers proudly serving their country, or the delightful execution Texas inmates), and Lincoln-Douglas will likely turn over in their graves as these two idiots take turns debating who loves Reagan 'n Jesus the most.

In background conversations, both campaigns say they look forward to the discussion. A source close to Gingrich tells the National Review that the former speaker will speak at length about his policy proposals and will, "in a friendly way," illustrate his differences with Cain.
"We initially wanted a forum with all of the candidates," O'Sullivan says. "But when we heard Gingrich say he wanted a more serious debate, like the Lincoln–Douglas debates, we wanted to do that, especially since watching the recent superficial debates has been frustrating."

Only if you value sanity, rationality, sensibility, intelligence and the ability to formulate a coherent sentence. So what the hell is the Republicans' problem with it?

Gingrich has been a long-time proponent of the Lincoln-Douglas debate style, because it gives candidates more time to have a detailed policy discussion. Gingrich has repeatedly said that if he were the Republican nominee, he would challenge President Obama to seven three-hour Lincoln-Douglas style debates.

Which is about 21 hours longer than necessary to reveal Newton's complete lack of knowledge on the workings of the federal government!

Either way, the important thing to remember is that on November 5th, Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich will return to that kindler, gentler time circa 1858 when a man was a man, and a black man was his property!

So how much would I pay to see this so-called modern-day Lincoln-Douglas debate?

Let's see, is there anything smaller than absolute zero? Ah yes, of course, Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich's combined IQs!

[image via AP]

The Show May Be Over, But Traitor Joe's Always Open For Business (If That Business Is Screwing Over Democrats)

2011-10-26T00:00:00.003-05:00

There is nothing, I repeat, nothing Sen. Joe Lieberman enjoys more than crushing hopes and destroying dreams. Except maybe the occasional chance to kick a whimpering, defenseless puppy down the street or really stick it to Democrats, ya know, the party he joined in 1970 and represented as a vice presidential candidate in 2000, before deciding eh, why not go against everything I've ever stood for my entire life in some desperate, pathetic attempt to remain relevant, and retain my smooth, surprisingly large, perfectly manicured grip on power?

**Sigh** Oh, that Joe!

Well, according to the liberal rag/commie manifesto The New York Times, Benedict Lieberman has been taking meetings with the two main Republican primary challengers: ball bustin' World Wrestling Entertainment executive Linda McMahon who apparently didn't think $50 million was enough to waste on a losing campaign the first time around, and former Rep. Chris Shays, another old, endlessly frustrating New England moderate conservative who also loves beautiful war but at least understands which political party he belongs to. Which is more than we can say for ol' Joe!

On the bright side, at least Democrats don't have to worry that Joe will wake up with an actual conscious and endorse one of them (heavens forbid!), which would be probably be as helpful as a bite from a syphilitic hyena.

In the meantime, some Connecticut Democrats who are eyeing the party's nomination for his seat are not particularly interested in getting Mr. Lieberman's support. They seem wary of associating politically with a man who went from being the Democratic vice-presidential candidate in 2000 to backing Senator John McCain, Republican of Arizona, over Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential race.
Susan Bysiewicz, a former Connecticut secretary of state who is seeking the Democratic nomination for Senate, noted in an interview that Mr. Lieberman was unpopular with rank-and-file Democrats.
"Senator Lieberman's endorsement would not be helpful," she said, adding that she believed he was more closely identified with the Republicans these days.
Representative Christopher S. Murphy, a three-term Democrat who is also running for Mr. Lieberman's seat, said, "I'm not sure his support is relevant."

Hush it Murphy! You fool, you'll ruin everything! If Lieberman finds out that endorsing a Democrat would be the quickest, most sure-fire way to screw over a Democrat, then that is just what he'll do.

And what more fitting way to bid adieu to our favorite Jewish Benedict Arnold than with a little Broadway ditty?

Go, go, go Joseph you know what they say (you're an asshole?)
Hang on now Joseph you'll make it some day (use those big, firm hands!)
Sha la la Joseph you're doing fine (for a loser pariah no one likes!)
You and your dreamcoat ahead of your time (well, technically it's a turncoat)

Go, go, go Joseph you know what they say (it's actually probably better if you don't)
Hang on now Joseph you'll make it some day (and by "it" we totally mean money!)
Sha la la Joseph you're doing fine (Hadassah still loves you!)
You and your dreamcoat ahead of your time (more like nightmarecoat for everyone else!)

Oh, fuck it, just...

Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

[image via AP]

Michele Bachmann's Presidential Hopes Are Sinking So Fast, Her Entire New Hampshire Staff Decided To Jump Ship For Something Safer, Like The Titanic

2011-10-24T00:00:00.001-05:00

America's favorite blue-eyed basket case Michele Bachmann is sure having a rough go at this whole running for president thing. Turns out, convincing more than 4.8 percent of the voting population that you are indeed just as capable of ruling the free world as being involuntarily committed to the local psych ward is a lot harder than it looks! (Remember to blink, Michele, remember to blink!).

And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than one of her debate performances, the unthinkable happens: her entire New Hampshire staff (all six of them!) upped and quit, because well, umm, do you really need to ask?

Staff members in New Hampshire for presidential candidate Michele Bachmann have resigned en masse, a Republican familiar with the situation said on Friday, in a fresh blow to her 2012 hopes.
All of the staffers, said to number six, resigned on Thursday, the Republican said.
New Hampshire's WMUR television said the reason given was due to the Bachmann campaign's lack of focus on New Hampshire, which holds the country's first primary election.
"It certainly underscores the impression that New Hampshire isn't a priority for her. She's totally written us off," said former Republican state legislator Fran Wendelboe.

That's because much like the pink unicorns, twinkling pixies, and dancing elves, they're nothing more than figments of her own, heavily medicated imagination!

But that's not it! Michele is such a loser, in fact, that even the hippie dippie liberal heathens of San Francisco couldn't be bothered enough to gather their Godless queer selves together and shout lame liberal things at her like why Mexicans have feelings too, and poor people shouldn't be forced to die in the streets as punishment for being such poor losers.

The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Critics say the lack of any protest at Bachmann's Commonwealth Club appearance Thursday is a sign of the fading relevance of her campaign. The winner of the Iowa Straw Poll has just 4.8 percent support in the latest average of major polls by RealClearPolitics.com - sixth among the eight GOP presidential candidates. Former Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain is the front-runner with 26 percent.
Even San Francisco's most hard-core activists couldn't be bothered to protest Bachmann, who once said same-sex marriage was the most important issue facing the nation. She's against it.
"Maybe people are waiting for Herman Cain to come to town," said Tenoch Flores, a spokesman for the California Democratic Party.

Or maybe they are waiting for the paint to dry on the walls of their Castro apartment, or for their marijuana plants to grow, or for the warranty on their mufflers to expire, or for their water purifier to filter, or for their tofu burgers to grill, or for the next terrible natural disaster to strike, or to catch whatever strain of influenza is going around these days, all of which are still infinitely more exciting than waiting for Michele Bachmann.

Marcus, on the other hand, was welcomed with open arms.

[image via Wonkette]

The Only Difference Between The Tea Party & Occupy Wall Street Is 235 Years Of Progress

2011-10-20T00:00:00.000-05:00

So the Tea Party & Occupy Wall Street movements are not that different? OMG, so true! Just take away the inability to formulate a coherent sentence, add the ability to still move your massive, diabetic body with your own two legs, not the reinforced rubber wheels of your Socialist Medicare motor scooter, toss in your basic elementary school education, a firm grasp of the English language (including spelling and grammar rules), an equally firm grasp of reality (including a vague idea that Adolf Hitler's great crime wasn't insuring poor people and sick kids), throw in a splash of color to that sea of milky white, a hearty dose of tolerance, substitute swastikas for hash tags, replace racist, narrow-minded ignorance and rampant xenophobia with diversity, compassion, decency and justice, and voila!

They are one and the same, practically indistinguishable: Carbon-based life forms whose opposable thumbs enable them to hoist square or rectangular shaped pieces of cardboard with various words and messages scribbled to protest dark, nefarious forces destroying civilization as we know it.

Be it Black Presidents or Blackstone Financial.

Herman Cain Likes His Illegal Immigrants Much Like His Fast Food: Deep Fried!

2011-10-18T00:00:00.000-05:00

Whether he's touting his foreign policy skills by grunting nonsense syllables like "Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan" or rescuing the nation's economy by changing from the gold standard of coins to the Godfather standard of pepperoni slices, and installing the wacko, fictional tax plan he stole from SimCity 4 that repeats the arbitrary number "9" three times while taxing the shit out of poor people, Herman Cain is full of brilliant ideas.

Kip Katsarelis, a senior producer for Maxis, the company that created the SimCity series, was excited that politicians may be looking to video games for ideas.
Adopting such a simple tax structure, Katsarelis said, would allow fantasy political leaders to focus their energy on infrastructure and national security. “Our game design team thought that an easy to understand taxation system would allow players to focus on building their cities and have fun thwarting giant lizard attacks, rather than be buried by overly complex financial systems.”

Of course! But what if those giant lizard attacks were more like scared, border-jumping Mexicans looking for a better life? Then what would Herman Cain do?

Why, just fry the illegal alien bastards to death with an electrified border fence. Easy peasy!

“It’s going to be 20 feet high. It’s going to have barbed wire on the top. It’s going to be electrified. And there’s going to be a sign on the other side saying, ‘It will kill you — Warning.’”

Oooh, sounds sexy! Charred Mexicans hanging over the entrance is a beautiful way to decorate America's borders! A "Teabagger Tapestry," if you will.

But what if, for some reason, this miraculous deterrent still doesn't keep them away?

Can you say 2nd Amendment remedies, what what!?

From the New York Times:

The [border wall] remarks, which came at two campaign rallies in Tennessee as part of a barnstorming bus tour across the state, drew loud cheers from crowds of several hundred people at each rally. At the second stop, in Harriman, Tenn., Mr. Cain added that he also would consider using military troops “with real guns and real bullets” on the border to stop illegal immigration.

As a special bonus, Herman Cain's solution to securing our borders also doubles as his latest, greatest Godfather pizza topping sensation: Refried Mexican Beans!

¡Ay, Caramba!

[image via Every Joe]

Forget "Small, Insignificant States" Like Uzbekistan, What America Really Needs Is A Small, Insignificant Statesman Like Herman Cain

2011-10-13T00:00:00.000-05:00

Delusional pizza merchant and self-proclaimed delicious black walnut (he certainly is nutty!) Herman Cain, will not rest until every last second of his desperate, quickly expiring 15 minutes of fame (aka GOP presidential relevancy) is utterly and completely exhausted.

Which is why the rest of us are forced to endure Herman's non-stop, whirlwind media tour, letting the whole world know why being a gross gay is probably as much a choice as what unidentified, processed meat topping to slather atop your delicious 16 inch Godfather's pie, and why our nation's leader shouldn't know the first thing about, let alone correctly pronounce the name of one of those dumb, unimportant "other countries on Earth" nobody cares about, like the fictional land of magic elves, wizards, and military supply routes into Afghanistan, formerly called "Uzbekistan."

"I’m ready for the ‘gotcha’ questions and they’re already starting to come," Herman Cain said. "And when they ask me who is the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan I’m going to say you know, I don’t know. Do you know?"

Awww, snap! Dude must have gone to the Sarah Palin School of Gotcha Questions™ where they teach presidential hopefuls the proper way to prepare for a basic foreign policy "gotcha" question on a country with the largest military force in Central Asia that the United States would like to use as a strategic ally, by mocking it with a series of nonsense syllables because who needs real words to describe weird, foreigny places not named the United States of AmeriCAIN baby!? Woot, woot! Amiright?

Besides, I don't see Youbetikissedstan or whatever creating any jobs, do you?

"And then I’m going to say how’s that going to create one job? I want to focus on the top priorities of this country. That’s what leaders do. They make sure that the nation is focused on the critical issues with critical solutions. Knowing who is the head of some of these small insignificant states around the world I don’t think that is something that is critical to focusing on national security and getting this economy going. When I get ready to go visit that country I’ll know who it is but until then I want to focus on the big issues that we need to solve.”

Hells yeah! You tell 'em Herman! If they are "small, insignificant states," it's their own damn fault! C'mon, knowledge is for pussies and elitists, not proud Republican presidents of marginal pizza chains.

Besides, he'll Wikipedia that shit when (and only when!) he actually goes to that miserable beki beki hellhole, like the tourists, and leaders of the free ~~toppings~~ world do.

It's called diplomacy, Black Walnuts style, bitches!

The Only Thing Scarier Than Mobs Of Crazed, Gun-Waving Teabaggers Are Mobs Of Polite, Hand-Waving Tea Drinkers

2011-10-10T00:00:00.000-05:00

Unless you've been living under a rock (no, no, not whatever it is that's beneath Rick Perry's perfectly combed, thick brown coif) or have simply been too busy following Sarah Palin's earth-shattering announcement not to continue duping dumb white people out of their hard-earned money in her ridiculous faux presidential ponzi scheme/grifter bus tour, chances are you're aware that thousands of everyday people have taken their peace pipes and hacky sacks and streamed into New York City to protest corporate greed, economic inequality, and of course, Wall Street's unchecked ability to forcefully bend over and repeatedly screw the rest of the 99% of pathetic, non-billionaire schlubs like you and me.

Well some people, like, say every Republican (and/or filthy rich banker, baron, magnate, mogul) to ever grace God's once-green, now oil-scorched Earth, don't much care for like-minded, progressive people putting down their soy, no-foam triple shot lattes and MacBook Pros to politely protest getting fleeced by the same mega-corporations they were forced to bail out, as a thank you for so generously causing the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.

Damn those hippie tree-huggers and their stupid whales!

It's one thing when it's heavily-armed old white sociopaths waving Nazi signs and shrieking about how giving health care to poor people and children is terrorism. But a diverse crowd of gross liberals peacefully gathering in public parks to speak out against corporate malfeasance and income equality? ARRRRGGGGHHHH, run for your lives, crazed mobs of madmen are coming to kill you!

In a speech to social conservatives at the Values Voters Summit, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor blasted the Wall Street protesters as "growing mobs" that are trying to divide the country. "Believe it or not, some in this town have actually condoned the pitting of Americans against Americans."

But only when it's poor Americans versus rich Americans. Otherwise it is terrible class warfare and has no place in his United States of AmERICANTOR.

"I for one am increasingly concerned about the growing mobs occupying Wall Street and the other cities across the country."

Yes, that's right! "Growing mobs" are not angry throngs of obese white supremacists with Jesus Saves tees and Don't Tread On Me signs motor-scootering around small town America screaming about secession, while hoisting various Glock 19s and semi-automatic machine guns before NObama takes them all away because of Socialism.

Don't be ridiculous! They are nice educated folks joining with workers unions, teachers unions, and assorted other young-to-middle aged rabble-rousers to express their collective frustration at the abusive tactics and sheer recklessness of the nation's current financial system.

Even the usually meek, deer-in-headlights White House Press Secretary Jay Carney couldn't help but call out Mr. Cantor for being even more of a sniveling hypocritical pussy than usual.

"I sense a little hypocrisy unbound here--what we're seeing on the streets of New York is an expression of democracy. I think I remember how Mr. Cantor described protests of the tea party--I can't understand how one man's mob is another man's democracy."

Umm, what exactly do you not understand? Revolution is only acceptable when it's a bunch of fat old racists who don't want to pay their taxes or help sick kids not die, duh!

Delusional fast-food merchant and self-proclaimed "black walnut" Herman Cain understands these things, just like he understands what the Republicans are looking for in their next president is someone significantly less white than Obama.

From Mother Jones:

“I don’t have facts to back this up, but I happen to believe that these demonstrations are planned and orchestrated to distract from the failed policies of the Obama administration. Don’t blame Wall Street, don’t blame the big banks, if you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself!”

I don't have the facts to back this up, but Herman Cain is an asshole. I don't know much about any black walnuts, but he's certainly fuckin' nuts.

So if I have this straight, the protests are a conspiracy by Obama to anger the very people with the money to actually fund his re-election campaign, but it is not a conspiracy that the only people actually doing okay in this broke, collapsing country are the handful of ultra-rich Wall Street titans currently being protested?

Of course, it must be the fault of the poor people! Damn poor people! Why can't they just get jobs like normal people, or at least a certain awesome Black Walnut?

Oh, right probably because the Occupy Wall Street protesters have already destroyed all the jobs! Just ask New York Mayor and billionaire everyman Michael Bloomberg.

"What they're trying to do is take the jobs away from people working in this city," the mayor declared in his harshest criticism of the three-week-old protest. "They're trying to take away the tax base we have because none of this is good for tourism."

So there you have it folks. Billionaire Mayor Says Wall Street Protesters Want To Destroy Jobs.

Which is kind of awkward. Guess nobody told him Jobs is already dead!

[image via Daily Kos]

A Quitter Never Wins & A Winner Never Quits, Which Is Why Sarah Palin Will Just Go Ahead & Be A Loser Who Always Quits

2011-10-07T00:00:00.000-05:00

Take a deep breath, America. Sarah Palin's awful, vomit-inducing, toxic reign of idiocy is officially over. It's true! On the momentous 5th day of October in the 2011th year of mankind, the nation's, no, no, make that the world's, most famous grifter-quitter-grandma from hell (aka Wasilla), Sarah Louise Palin, aka Lou Sarah aka Mama Grizz aka Barracuda aka lipstick wearing pitbull hockey mom aka ‘Orora’ announced SHE IS NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT of ~~Fox News~~, ~~short-lived reality teevee shows~~, ~~making Mittens Romney actually look electable~~, getting humiliated by Barack Obama for the second time in four years.

Terribly sad, I know. Now what will we do when we want to feel all dead and empty inside? Who can America turn to to lower our collective IQ with little more than a kiss, wink, inverted syntax, a you betcha or two, and all the faux victimhood Sarah Palin can cram into one grammatically incorrect sentence?

I guess, there will still be Fox News!

But perhaps the most fitting tribute comes from former McCain adviser Nicolle Wallace, who was assigned by the McCain '08 campaign to help Sarah get through her day without ruining everything, only to discover you can't control crazy!

Could it be this very experience with the Wasilla wonder herself, that inspired Wallace's new political novel that "explores what would happen if a woman were plucked from relative obscurity and elected Vice President of the United States - only to find herself completely unprepared for the job."

Hmmm...

“The idea of a mentally ill vice president who suffers in complete isolation was obviously sparked by the behaviors I witnessed by Sarah Palin.”

Not the Sarah Palin, the awesomest, most quittingest human being that has ever hunted moose from helicopters!

Well, first let me just say that the novel is by no means meant to build a case against Sarah Palin. However, to the extent that the people around [the fictional vice president] Tara watched in this troubled state of confusion, despair and helplessness as she flailed around — that was something I experienced. Palin vacillated between extraordinary highs on the campaign stage — she ignited more enthusiasm than our side had seen at any other point — to debilitating lows. She was often withdrawn, uncommunicative and incapable of performing even the most basic tasks required of her job as McCain’s running mate.

Wait, what? I thought the whole point was to make John McCain look less like a fossilized Alzheimer's victim and more like elder statesman who is aware that Africa is an actual continent not a country or that Toto song she totally rocked out to in the '80s.

What if somebody who was ill-equipped for the office were to ascend to the presidency or vice presidency? What would they do? How long would it take for people to figure it out? I became consumed by this question.

Lucky for us all, Nicolle, it didn't take "people" that long to figure it out, which is probably why the McCain-Palin ticket scared the bejesus out of everyone not insane or incarcerated.

The system works, sort of!

"After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States," Sarah Palin said in a statement.

So, there is a God!

"I believe that at this time I can be more effective in a decisive role to help elect other true public servants to office and because "a third party would guarantee Obama's re-election, and that's the last thing that our Republic can afford."

Probably because its already spent everything funding Sarah Palin's personal cash-for-clunkers program, her presidential ponzi scheme/perma-victim tour across the US of A.

"As always, my family comes first..."

That is unless they are sick or pregnant or in the hospital or or makin' precious li'l miracles in the back of Levi's pickup or need something while I am Tweeting or Facebooking or traveling or sleeping or awake or hunting or rocking on my front porch watching Russia or anything important like that.

"From the bottom of my heart I thank those who have supported me and defended my record throughout the years, and encouraged me to run for President."

Well there you have it! The Earth-shattering news (other than that Sarah Palin does indeed have a heart), is that a person no one likes announced they are not running for a job they didn't want, couldn't do, and wouldn't get anyway.

"Know that by working together we can bring this country back – and as I've always said, one doesn't need a title to help do it."

A functioning brain, on the other hand, is pretty much required.

[image via Gawker]

The Big Ticket: Is Being The Size Of An Elephant Too Big Even For Republican Voters?

2011-10-04T00:00:00.000-05:00

For some reason, the current crop of crazy-eyed kooks with homo husbands, washed-up Mormon Hair Club For Men spokesmodels, rambling, incoherent, coyote (and criminal) killing governors of Texas moonlighting as the Marlboro Man, and assorted other GOP misfits, misanthropes, Santorums(?) and maniac pizza moguls with more chance of delivering your large cheeseburger-smothered pie straight to your doorstep than an actual inaugural speech, haven't exactly won over the hate-filled hearts and narrow minds of Republican voters.

If only they booed more gay soldiers or had a Rick Perry-like plan for getting rid of the uninsured deadweight like gross poor people!?

Until then, where o where will Republicans find someone man enough and mean enough with the kind of King Kong physique to really bring the heavy to the race?

Why, none other than the everyone's fave bully governor of ~~sandwiches~~, ~~screaming at people~~, ~~saturated fat~~, ~~Snooki,~~ New Jersey, Chris Christie, the best thing since sliced bread, err, screw it, the whole freakin' loaf.

You see, not only does Christie already have the fiscal sense to use taxpayer money to purchase a gigantic new helicopter to transport heavy loads (like say, himself) from his Grand Canyon-sized bed to his kid's high school baseball game a few waddles away from his mansion, he also has a huge ready-made constituency in the two-thirds of fellow motor-scooting Americans also the size of a dinosaur or KFC Double Down.

Amiright?

Certainly not, according to the Los Angeles Times:

Straight-talking New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is a portly guy — and has spoken publicly in the past about his struggles with the scale. Now that he might be a contender for Republican nominee for president, other people are speaking publicly about his weight, too, and what impact it might have on his electability next November.
Washington Post columnist Eugene Robinson wrote that the governor needed to lose weight for his (and the country’s) health. Others complained that an inability to lose weight was a sort of failure of character.

Failure?? Ummm, maybe if you're one of the few who don't consider eating more than what the average circus elephant consumes on a daily basis, a stunning success and proof of presidential prowess.

C'mon, think about it. There's more for everyone to love!

Michael Kinsley, of Bloomberg News, doesn't have time to sit here, chewing the fat, so he'll skip the BS and get straight to the point:

Look, I’m sorry, but New Jersey Governor Chris Christie cannot be president: He is just too fat.

What, what, what? This is the Republican candidate we're talking about, remember! There's no such thing as too dumb, too crazy, too rich, too white, too straight, too armed, too racist, or too mentally imbalanced.

There's also no such thing as Chris Christie being too f**king fat to be president because there's no such thing as science either.

So, slather on some mayo, wrap it up in bacon, and stuff that shit down your throat!

Sure is a helluva lot easier to swallow than a Chris Christie presidency.

Although, on second thought, if Christie were president, instead of Iraq, we'd probably invade Denny's.

[image via the Star-Ledger]

Racist College Republican Bake Sale Proves That When It Comes To The GOP, Racism Is Black & White (Cookies)

2011-09-29T00:00:00.000-05:00

UC Berkeley College Republicans (yes, apparently, they do exist!) are all hot 'n bothered about a terrible (Socialist?) new affirmative action law by hippie-dippie California governor Jerry Brown that would allow state universities to consider race, gender, ethnicity and national origin in admission applications.

Oh the humanity!

Because everyone (aka 20-something white Republican males) knows affirmative action is terribly racist against the real victims, the ever-persecuted white male, and to prove this notion once and for all, they will hold a bake sale that is racist against everyone else.

White power y'all!

Which, in the dumb, half-baked minds of a misguided, racist GOP student body, means holding a dumb, racist, half-baked GOP student bake sale, where stoned white males with a hankerin' for something sweet have to pay $2 per cupcake, while everybody else pays a couple quarters less for their baked good of choice, depending on skin color, gender, and of course, a wonderful, randomly assigned scale of "this is how much less than a white guy you are worth."

To, ummm, prove a point!?

Asian Americans? That'll be a $1.50. Latinos? Just $1.00 please. Blacks? Oh, they are very cheap compared to white guys, only $0.75. Native Americans? Even better, only $0.25 a pop! That's practically dirt! Doesn't get much more worthless than that.

And remember people, ladies are worth 25 cents less than men across the board. So word to the wise, find some nice black and/or Native American ladies on campus and you my friend, will be able to stuff your face with all the cupcakes and cream puffs your diabetic li'l heart desires. On the cheap!

From CNN:

“We agree that the event is inherently racist, but that is the point,” Berkeley College Republican President Shawn Lewis wrote in response to upheaval over the bake sale.

"We agree that the event is inherently racist, but..." is also the GOP platform.

“It is no more racist than giving an individual an advantage in college admissions based solely on their race (or) gender.”

Right, of course! Just like saying eight black women are worth one white guy is racist against white guys.

Which is weird because I was always under the impression that black guy snacks (wait or was it black guys??) should cost 3/5 of the "normal" price.

One white, err, vanilla cupcake, please!

[image via Wonkette]

Makin' Mama Proud: Bristol Palin Rides A Mechanical Bull, Gets Into Bar Fight With Angry Homosexual

2011-09-27T00:00:00.000-05:00

Like most new 20-year-old single mothers, Bristol Palin spent her Thursday night riding a mechanical bull and screaming at some gay guy in a West Hollywood bar because that's what underage, abstinence-crusading hillbillies do when shamelessly grifting, err, filming themselves being idiots for some dumb reality teevee show nobody's going to watch anyway.

So there's Bristol, minding her own business, innocently flailing around on the one Saddle Ranch bar patron that wouldn't accidentally impregnate her, when suddenly, out of a nowhere, a homosexual appears. And not just any homosexual, but an angry, screaming, active homosexual who doesn't much care for Bristol's mother, Alaskan empress Sarah Palin, or her annoying, unemployed offspring either.

So Bristol did what most anyone would do when confronted by a drunk stranger, and marches over to the screamer, demanding to know if "he is a homosexual," because that is how you insult someone Alaska-style.

Good thing the cameras were still rolling!

From CBS LA:

“Did you ride Levi like that? Your mother is a whore! Your mother is a f***ing devil!” he shouts.
Palin approaches the man and asks, “Is it because you’re a homosexual and that’s why you hate her?”
“Pretty much … and why’d you say I’m a homosexual?” he responds.
“Because I can tell you are,” Bristol says.
“You’re f***ing white trash from Wasila!” he screams as she leaves with her production crew. “F*** you, you f***ing b***h!”
At one point, the man also tells Palin that he doesn’t believe in hell, but that if it exists, he believes her mother will go there.

Ummm, what do you think Alaska is? The freakin' Garden of Eden?

Anyway, I totally know what you're thinking, "Doesn't the bull usually ride the cow?"

Funny thing is, they had to give the mechanical bull a few stiff ones before it would let Bristol mount it.

Kinda like Levi.

The Great American Scheme: Send Sarah Money To See Sarah Run!

2011-09-24T00:00:00.000-05:00

No one, I mean no one, knows how to make a killing from doing nothing quite like grifter-quitter-grandma extraordinaire Sarah Palin. Hell, it's not her fault, she was born that way!

And being the kind of psycho, narcissistic, fame whore who thinks she's entitled to moose piles of money for ridin' around the county yellin' crazy racist stuff at old white people in a custom-made, American flag-covered tour bus tribute to herself, Sarah Palin has devised yet another "fool-proof" way to bilk the hard-working public out of their hard-earned money by continuing to pretend anyone other than mindless zombie hockey moms and Wasilla's nursing home community would actually elect her president of the National Mushing Association, let alone the United States.

Seriously, who knew waiting around, doing nothing could be so profitable!? Other than SarahPAC treasurer Tim Crawford, of course!

As you may know, Gov. Palin is on the verge of making her decision of whether or not to run for office.
It’s one of the most difficult and important decisions of her life. And I want her to know that she has our support.
Gov. Palin is a proven leader. She’s a common-sense conservative who fights for the rights of Americans like you and me — not special interests or big corporations.
Meanwhile, Barack Obama’s presidency is a disaster. One in five working-age men are out of work. One in seven Americans are on food stamps. Thirty percent of our mortgages are under water. Parts of Michigan and California are suffering from unemployment numbers that are greater than during the depths of the Great Depression.
Someone must save our nation from this road to European Socialism. Do you think it should be Gov. Palin?
If so, can you send your best, one-time gift to SarahPAC today to help her elect more common-sense conservatives - and show her that we support her if she decides to run?

YES WE CAN!! YES WE CAN!! Because, yes, underlining random words and phrases does make it sound less like a shakedown, particularly if your choice for president also happens to be the one begging for your last twenty dollars.

It's your lucky day, America! You have the ~~once-in-a-lifetime~~ once-every-four-years opportunity to give Sarah Palin lots of money, so she can maybe think about keeping her streak of losing to better, more qualified candidates alive. Or not.

On second thought, stop thinking at all and just hand over the fucking cash.

Oh, and if you choose to send a check instead, always remember to heed Sarah's advice and quit writing it halfway through. Ya know, common sense!

[image via AP]

Don't Ask Don't Tell Repeal Finally Goes Into Effect As Society Welcomes Republicans Into The 21st Century Of Basic Human Dignity

2011-09-22T00:00:00.000-05:00

Congratulations, America! The moment we've all been waiting for—and Republicans have been warning us about—is finally here, and it's most definitely queer.

At the stroke of midnight on Tuesday, the terrible, nearly two decades old discriminatory policy banning gays and lezzies from being all they can be as loud 'n proud members of the U.S. military is officially as dead as poor people would be if the GOP had anything to say about it.

It's true! So now that Don't Ask Don't Tell is just another one of America's most cherished, nostalgic Clinton-era memories (right up there with Monica Lewinsky's semen-stained blue dress, and all the wild 'n crazy things you can do with a cigar), what does this mean for the rest of us?

Where's the hellfire, the brimstone, the unraveling of America's moral fabric, the total collapse of civilized society, and the vengeful fury of God's wrath that every Republican knows comes from no longer regulating whether our nation's servicemen and women are servicing each other with the proper penis-vagina ratios?

Even the usually reliable ol' gay panic standby Fox News is uncharacteristically silent on the issue, with nary a peep about how letting gross gay and lesbians openly serve will quickly and irreversibly transform America's once-lean, mean, hetero fighting Marine Corps machine into one big camouflaged Chorus Line, except with less ensemble dance numbers and more anal gang rapes in the shower.

So while Michele and Marcus Bachmann, Lindsay Graham, and the rest of the Grand Old Closet Cases anxiously wait for Armaggedon to come in the form of fatigue-wearing Eltons and Ellens, the rest of America can feel Ga-Ga Great knowing their country's military policy towards gay people is officially no longer on par with North Korea, Uganda, Syria, and Iran, but instead as wonderfully enlightened as Albania, Estonia, and Malta's.

From the AP:

Gay advocacy groups planned a series of celebrations across the country.
At a San Diego bar, current and former troops danced and counted down to midnight. “You are all heroes,” Sean Sala, a former Navy operations specialist, said. “The days of your faces being blacked out on the news — no more.”
The head of Pentagon personnel, Clifford Stanley, put out a memo to the work force at 12:01 a.m. EDT. “All service members are to treat one another with dignity and respect regardless of sexual orientation.”

OMG, what a crazy, novel idea!!

THE GAYS WIN! Hooray! Doesn't the liberal destruction and moral decay of our nation just feel faaaaaabulous!?

Multi-Millionaire Republicans Simply Cannot Afford Obama’s Socialist Rich People Tax

2011-09-20T00:00:00.001-05:00

While Republicans, like Louisiana Rep. John Fleming, were busy whining about how $6.3 million a year just ain't what it used to be (I mean who do you have to screw to get some freakin' foie gras!?), President of Socialism, Barack Obama, was busy concocting his evil plan to reduce the ballooning deficit by having the (black) balls big enough to ask precious multi-millionaires and billionaires to actually pay their fair share of taxes instead of just making dumb poor and old people collect bottle caps and harvest their own organs to do it.

Ugh, the nerve!

Ignoring yet another meaningless warning from Republicans against terrible Commie tax increases, President Obama unveiled his new deficit-reduction plan, "The Buffett Rule," forcing the nation's wealthiest one percent to give half their salaries, in cold-hard cash, to ~~the Nation of Islam~~, ~~greenpeace loving halogen lightbulb manufacturers~~ fix the crumbling economy and close the ever-widening gap between the wonderful, virtuous rich and revolting, needy poor. Or something like that.

President Obama on Monday will call for a new minimum tax rate for individuals making more than $1 million a year to ensure that they pay at least the same percentage of their earnings as middle-income taxpayers.

In remarks in the White House Rose Garden, Obama drew stark contrasts between Republican's penchant for backing "tax cuts for millionaires and billionaires" while requiring seniors, the middle class and the poor to tighten their belts and accept sacrifices.

"During this past decade, profligate spending in Washington, tax cuts into multi-millionaires and billionaires, and two wars have turned a record surplus into a massive deficit," Obama said. "If we don't act, the debt will eventually crowd out everything else, eventually affecting us from investing in things like education and Medicaid. We need to cut what we can't afford to pay for things we need."

And what we need is bigger tax breaks for über-rich corporations! I mean seriously, what else should we do, let Rep. John Walsh and his family starve to death on his hobo salary of $400,000 after adjusting for whatever the hell else he does with the remainder of the paltry $6.3 million he annually pockets from his various Subway and UPS franchises (accidentally order the five (hundred) dollar footlong?).

Well, some people (Republicans) simply will not stand for this class warfare! Asking the perfect, morally flawless job creators like corporate CEOs, oil barons, and heiresses to give the big bad gubmint their hard-earned money is simply outrageous. What the hell does this look like, Soviet Russia or something?

"This plan eliminates tax loopholes that primarily go to the largest business and corporations--tax breaks that small businesses and middle class Americans don't have to pay," Obama said. "We can't afford these special lower rates for the wealthy, which by the way, were initially talked about as temporary measures."
"Either we have to ask the wealthy to pay their fair share, or we have to ask seniors to pay more for medicare, or gut education. This is not class warfare. It's math."

Exactly! After all, the only thing scarier to Republicans than gross poor people is gross numbers. Though, I guess as a compromise, we could always just propose gutting Republicans instead!?

Finally, a solution we can all swallow!

Plus, on the bright side, unlike John Fleming's enormous family of ravenous, $200,000/year truffle-stuffing gluttons, we'll finally have something to shove down our pie holes that doesn't cost four times what the average American schlub makes in an entire year.

Winning!

Oy Vey! Since Weiner's Unkosher, Ultra-Orthodox Jews In New York Help Elect A Different Kind Of Prick: A Republican!

2011-09-15T00:00:00.000-05:00

OMG, did you hear the news, America? The mind-blowing, earth-shattering, life-altering, universe-imploding news straight out of ~~Anthony Weiner's pants~~ New York's 9th about Barack Obama being un-elected, thanks to a special election to replace fallen Democratic cocktease, err congressman, and Twitterin' fool, Anthony Weiner with someone a little less circumcised and a little more racist.

Hooray??

You see, a funny thing happened on the way to Kew Gardens. Apparently, instead of just voting to replace Anthony "Cock Shot" Weiner, his entire former NY-9 district got together to cast their 2012 Election votes a good year-plus ahead of time in a referendum on that terrible failure Barack Hussein Obama for everything Republicans hate about him (his skin color?).

Turns out, New York is sick and tired of being a godless, gay, Jew-less, Socialist mecca for no-good terrorist Muslims, which is why NY-09 decided to use this special House race to elect a Republican for the first time since 1922.

That's right, people! The fair citizens from southern Brooklyn to south central Queens (Rego Park, what what!) have chosen 70-year-old Muslim hating maniac and Teabagging delight Bob Turner over 56-year-old (not quite ultra) Orthodox Jew Democrat David Weprin as the new President of New York of America.

Because contrary to what the Jew-run lamestream media would like you to believe, Jewish voters actually hate Obama (just ask Fox News!), which is why the black hat, ultra-orthodox Jews chose Turner, a Catholic, over ~~Weprin, a Jew~~ Obama, a Jew-hater.

But that's not all! It's also because of the gays getting gay-married and Muslims building Muslim-y Mosques all over the once-sacred streets of strip clubs and sex shops in Lower Manhattan.

According to the AP:

Democrats enjoy a 3:1 registration advantage over Republicans in the district, but it’s relatively conservative by New York standards in national contests to make it upset territory, going for President Obama with only 55% of the vote in 2008 with similar numbers for John Kerry in 2004. The district’s unique ethnic makeup — heavily Jewish (especially Orthodox), heavily Irish and Italian, and heavily Asian and Hispanic — and strong local character makes it difficult to declare it representative of the nation of large.

But voter frustration with Obama put Weprin in the unlikely spot of playing defense. Turner, a 70-year-old Catholic, vowed to push back on Obama's policies if elected.

Weprin became embroiled in New York-centric disputes over Israel and gay marriage, which cost him some support among Jewish voters.

Orthodox Jews, who tend to be conservative on social issues, expressed anger over Weprin's vote in the Assembly to legalize gay marriage. And Weprin was challenged on the right of the sponsors of the Park 51 community center, a proposed Islamic center and mosque near the World Trade Center site, to locate their project in Lower Manhattan.

So congratulations to Bob Turner, the new representative of your crazy, racist, homophobic, Jewish aunt with five cats, 500 square feet of prime studio space, and zero tolerance for gross gays, even grosser Muslims, and of course, the grossest of all, charming, chocolate-colored presidents.

Mazel Tov to Bubby! You've successfully traded a Weiner for a dick!

The Most Nerve-Wracking Moment of George W. Bush’s Presidency Was Throwing A Baseball; Throwing Two Wars & An Economy In The Gutter Is Child's Play

2011-09-13T00:00:00.000-05:00

How's That For A Strike?

Human caricature and accidental cowboy president George W. Bush sure had a lot of "nerve-wracking" moments during his 8-year reign showering ~~peace and prosperity~~ smart bombs and death onto the land with his signature combination of utter recklessness and absolute idiocy.

And with the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history, two endless, bloody wars, Hurricane Katrina's drowning of New Orleans, unprecedented trampling of civil liberties, including initiating the most wide-ranging extrajudicial surveillance of American citizens in a generation, authorizing widespread abuses of detainees at Gitmo and various other secret terrorist prisons around the world, all after achieving the narrowest (and most disputed!) presidential victory in history, you'd think he'd have plenty of ripe, juicy memories to choose from!

You'd be wrong. Haha, silly fools! Because, as it turns out, "the most nervous moment" of his presidency—check that, of his entire life—was throwing out the ceremonial first pitch at the 2001 World Series.

From his lips to your ears!

According to his interview with the producers of HBO's documentary Beyond 9/11: Portraits of Resilience, George W. Bush's most heart-pounding, sweat inducing feeling came during that seminal moment the world will never ~~remember~~ forget, Game One of the 2001 Yankees-Diamondbacks world series. That's right, the freakin' Diamondbacks!

The adrenaline was coursing through my veins, and the ball felt like a shotput. And Todd Greene, the catcher, looked really small. Sixty feet and six inches seemed like a half-mile. And anyway, I took a deep breath and threw it, and thankfully it went over the plate. The response was overwhelming. It was the most nervous I had ever been. It was the most nervous moment of my entire presidency, it turns out.

Oh, hahaha, so that's how it turned out!! I always thought it turned out with thousands of Americans dead, even more thousands of Muslim civilians bombed, America's 31st biggest city (but #1 biggest party city!) transformed into a new, modern-day Atlantis, and trillions & trillions of dollars in unpaid war debt!

On the bright side, at least Kanye didn't call him a racist who doesn't care about black people, because that would have been really tragic. Almost as tragic as caring about them enough to actually do anything to, oh, I don't know, maybe help them during one of the worst natural disasters in American history.

Just a thought.

Seriously, that was some fucking pitch, though.

Now, if we could only have figured out a way to strike out the most nerve-wracking moment of his Presidency for the rest of us. I believe it was called the 2000s.

Republicans Debate Who Can Mindlessly Cram The Words Taxes & Ronald Reagan Into As Many Sentences As Possible In Two Hours

2011-09-10T18:20:00.001-05:00

If you're like most normal, non-self loathing members of the public who don't particularly enjoy watching eight sociopaths suffering from various delusions and mental illnesses yell at each other over who loves Ronnie Reagen and Jesus, but hates terrible (Socialist) taxes (and gays!) the most, you probably missed last night's GOP Presidential ~~clusterfuck~~ debate.

Fear not, my friend! Lucky for you, some other miserable sadsack suffered through two endless hours of staring into Michele Bachmann's crazy baby blues, while Rick Perry bragged about all the awesome people he's executed (almost as many as Mitt's Mormon brood!) to bring you the only two words that mean anything to today's Grand Old Party:

Taxes and Ronald Reagan! Ronnie Reagan and Taxes!

Which is quite confusing! I mean how the hell do you tax a guy who's been dead for ten years?

Through one of Nancy's famous séances??

Either way, what's Jesus, the real one, not the actor/president/tax god, gonna say when he hears they FORGOT 9/11?!?!?

Two whole hours and not a single mention??

For Christ's sake!

President Obama Agrees To Reduce Smog Regulations Because Clean Air Is Socialist (And Also Because Republicans Told Him So!)

2011-09-07T00:00:00.001-05:00

So the inane, demented, "Are We Congressman or Kindergarteners" ~~playground scuffle~~ time slot slug fest between the White House and John Boehner's office is now officially over, with Barack Obama giving up even faster than usual in some lame misguided attempt to placate his Grand Old enemies, who'd like nothing more than to ship him back to deepest darkest Africa, at the expense of alienating those who actually matter, like say, the unemployed, NFL-watching, Snuggie-wearing, Pringles-stuffing, American public.

Maybe if Aaron Rodgers was the one giving the jobs speech, things would've been different?? But since he was blessed with arm strength, not oratory skills, President of capitulation, Barack Obama, will no longer deliver his very important jobs speech during Wednesday night's network premiere "Are you dumber than a Teabagger?" GOP presidential debate, and instead speak the following evening, on the one night America forgets the fact that it's fat, broke, and jobless in order to watch grown men in neon tights bend, grunt, and toss an oblong ball as an excuse to jump on each other in sweaty piles during the NFL season opener.

The date Obama requested falls on the same day as one of the Republican presidential debates, this one the first to feature Texas Gov. Rick Perry. Instead, Obama will now be competing against the NFL season opener.
Obama and Boehner squared off Wednesday, not over the contents of the speech but the date on which Obama will give it.
The White House and the Speaker’s office were at odds over whether the president’s staff had talked to Boehner’s office about the date before announcing it to the press.
Both sides dug in on their arguments, with Boehner’s office saying that the White House had only given them a heads up shortly before announcing the date instead of talking with the speaker about the schedule.

Sorry, Obama, ~~parenting~~ presidenting is hard work!

The big question now becomes what other terrible Republican ideas (or death wishes, if you prefer) will Obama give in to next to spare America the pain and suffering of being once again drowned in John Boehner's unnaturally orange-colored booze tears?

Will President Obama finally grant the GOP their Christmas wishlist of giant white corporate castles built from the bones of immigrants and welfare recipients, surrounded by a moat of sludge-filled toxic ooze teeming with delicious, regulation-free, three-headed mutant fish?

Oooh, ooh, or maybe he'll order the EPA to withdraw a proposal for tighter smog regulations, so that America’s children might have less oxygen flowing to their brains on their way to school and everyone can feel the wondrous pleasure of choking on their own beautifully capitalist, albeit highly noxious fumes. Merry lung cancer, America!

Maybe that will help Obama win the GOP's love!? Probably not, though!

In a dramatic reversal, President Barack Obama on Friday scrubbed a clean-air regulation that aimed to reduce health-threatening smog, yielding to bitterly protesting businesses and congressional Republicans who complained the rule would kill jobs in America’s ailing economy.
Withdrawal of the proposed regulation marked the latest in a string of retreats by the president in the face of GOP opposition, and it drew quick criticism from liberals.
Environmentalists, a key Obama constituency, accused him of caving to corporate polluters, and the American Lung Association threatened to restart the legal action it had begun against rules proposed by President George W. Bush.

Yes, but the important question is, did he please a one John Boehner with all this wonderful human suffering?

A spokesman for House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, had muted praise for the White House, saying that withdrawal of the smog regulation was a good first step toward removing obstacles that are blocking business growth.

**Cough, cough** How sweet, he's too choked up to speak!

But perhaps more than some of the other regulations under attack, the ground-level ozone standard is most closely associated with public health — something the president said he wouldn’t compromise in his regulatory review.

Ozone is the main ingredient in smog, which is a powerful lung irritant that occasionally forces cancellation of school recesses, and causes asthma and other lung ailments.

Oooh, sounds sexy!

Naturally, the ~~greedy bastards~~ brilliant business minds at the Chamber of Commerce reacted with typical glee. "This an enormous victory for America's job creators, the right decision by the President, and one that will help reduce the uncertainty facing businesses."

Less so for the uncertainty facing Mother Earth.

Meanwhile, environmental groups were unrestrained in their disdain toward the decision. "The Obama administration is caving to big polluters at the expense of protecting the air we breathe," League of Conservation Voters President Gene Karpinski said. "This is a huge win for corporate polluters and huge loss for public health."

What ever do you mean?

Corporations are people, too! Now they just happen to be people who can now legally go around poisoning children.

There's your job creating right there!

Oh, and as an added bonus, the debt ceiling will now be covered in lead-based paint and insulated with asbestos. Hooray for America!

The Art Of War: 9/11 Children's Coloring Book Helps Make Learning (To Hate Muslims) Fun Again!

2011-09-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

Howdy, America! If you haven't already realized, or have been living under a rock (let's call her Sarah Palin), the 10-year anniversary of 9/11 is fast approaching, which begs the important question, what are you doing to celebrate freedom this year? Other than the usual neighborhood Mosque burning/BBQ block party/toga fest, of course!

But, what about the little ones? Are they donning their finest red, white, and blues and sufficiently freaked out about being blown to bits by Muslim terrorists who hate freedom but love fiery jihadist death?

No? Well then, have we got just the thing for you! A delightful wingnut coloring book, "We Shall Never Forget 9/11: The Kids' Book of Freedom" to remind the li'l whippersnappers who's with us (Christians!), who's against us (liberals!) and who wants to murder us all in a massive explosion of jet fuel and steel (Muslims!).

Now, the kiddies will never forget 9/11. And much like drunk Uncle Ray, they'll never forget what color terrifying Muslims destroying America and freedom should be shaded in either. Remember, children, the awful brown crayon is for Osama-y people and the beautiful peach color is for the American soldiers!

What they will forget however is that Bush and Cheney repeatedly ignored warnings about Osama bin Laden, and then used the 9/11 attacks as an excuse to dupe the dumb, unsuspecting public into a bloody, protracted war in Iraq for oil and corporate profits, because Crayola still hasn't figured out the best crayon to use when shading in evil.

Wayne Bell, publisher of Really Big Coloring Books, Inc., says that the book is a memorial tribute. "It is an informational piece to help educate children on events on 9/11." It is "a simplistic, honest tool."

Just like him!

Despite complaints that nearly all mentions of Muslims in the book are accompanied by the words "terrorist," "extremist," or better yet, "freedom-hating radical Islamic Muslim extremists," Bell stood by the book as an "honest depiction."

"The truth is the truth," Bell said. “We don’t show any broken bones or tissue or explosion of heads or anything like that. This isn’t near that.”

Yay??

What you will find is the accompanying text, which reads, “Children, the truth is, these terrorist acts were done by freedom-hating radical Islamic Muslim extremists. These crazy people hate the American way of life because we are FREE and our society is FREE.”

"It's unfortunate that they were all Muslim and that's the part people want to erase," Bell said. "I don't know what else you can call them."

How about Saudis? Or psychos, maybe? Though, as soon as li'l Johnny is done coloring, you can probably call them brown people, too. Or ragheads. Whatever you prefer!

Seriously, who doesn't love children’s coloring book history lessons, like why this time, it was the awful, no-good, freedom-hating Muslims, not the gross gays or greedy Jews, responsible for all the 9/11 death and destruction?

That way, you won't ever have to say to yourself, "wait, what color are Jews again?"

Oh well, time to go help my toddler color the picture of the bomb in tower 7. Also, the Christian cross at ground zero could use some filling in.

But, be sparing with your blue crayons, kids! You'll need those for the waterboarding pages.

See, isn't America grand? Instead of just being afraid of Muslims, you can be scared of coloring books too!

Dr. Ron Paul's Disaster Relief Rx: Take Two Pills & Call Someone Who Actually Gives A Sh*t

2011-08-30T00:00:00.000-05:00

America's favorite crazy old uncle and beloved Libertarian Jesus, Ron Paul, knows a few things about disasters (his son Rand, every presidential campaign he's ever run, the toxic waste that spews every time he opens his mouth, hell, his whole freakin' life!), which is why he knows the best response to a national catastrophe is no response at all.

Hear that people? Pull yourself up by your own damn bootstraps for once in your pathetic lives, and while you're at it, use 'em to bail the water out of your battered, flooded house, and fix the downed power lines, ya lazy, good-for-nothing wastes of lucrative corporate space.

What do you think this is, the United States of Helping People In Times Of Crisis or something?

Hahaha, get real! This is Ron Paul's America , the United States of Anarchy, my friends!

"We should be like 1900; we should be like 1940, 1950, 1960," Paul said. "I live on the Gulf Coast; we deal with hurricanes all the time."

Sort of like the last time the Gulf Coast wined and dined that bitch Katrina only to wake up naked, tied to the bed post now submerged in sewage, and robbed of everything, except some good, old-fashioned American know-how, now floating down Bourbon Street.

"There's no magic about FEMA. They're a great contribution to deficit financing and quite frankly they don't have a penny in the bank. We should be coordinated but coordinated voluntarily with the states," Paul told NBC News. "A state can decide. We don't need somebody in Washington."

Hell no, we don't!

We need a nobody like Ron Paul, shriveled solver of problems like how to never actually get to be that Washington somebody nobody needs.

Problem solved!

Because everyone knows the best thing to do following a national disaster is abolish the one big bad gubmint agency actually capable of dealing with said disaster, like say the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA).

Amiright??

Blasting FEMA as a drain on the economy, Dr. Ron Paul explained how the agency is nothing more than a "gross distortion of insurance only bleeding hearts would support — that just bail[s] out everybody."

Ooooh, oooh, does that include crazy ass grown adult sons after one of their loyal staffers stomps on the head of some awful lady protesting their terrible, racist policies outside a rally?

Well three cheers (wait, or is it tears?) for the brave man, no make that the living legend, who had the courage & conviction to vote against hurricane relief funding for his home state of Texas because the government shouldn’t "take care of us when we do dumb things" — like get hit by hurricanes. Or his son Rand.

Galveston Hurricane of 1900 or Rand Paul's Foot Rage of 2010?

Texas GOP Candidate Spends His Days Talking To Donkeys, Which Is Still More Enlightening Than Talking To Rick Perry

2011-08-25T00:00:00.001-05:00

Nothing screams leadership more than a man whose idea of an effective political ad campaign is to talk patriotism to a horde of dim, braying donkeys, also known as jackasses, as though they were good-for-nothing, godless socialist human welfare parasites, also known as gross poor people. Wait, or is it Democrats?

Amiright?

Thank Jesus GOP Texas congressional candidate, self-proclaimed Donkey Whisperer, and Rick Perry's one-time BFF/Secretary (of State), Roger Williams (not the important Roger Williams of 17th century religious freedom fame) understands what the American people want. No, no make that what the American people need, which is of course to be spoken to like some worthless beast of burden too dumb to even understand American English, the best, most God-blessed language to ever grace the Earth.

I mean, seriously, donkeys, Democrats, poor people, what's the difference? It's like splitting mares, err, hairs, I meant hairs!

"You're not a victim, you're a patriot, you're an opportunist," Williams tells his four-legged friends. "Let's take advantage of it, okay?"

Heee-haw! Heee-haw! Heee-haw!

"You know all these guys want is more shelter, they want more feed, yet the government is making it harder on me, taxing me to death, I can't afford to build that. When I don't build it, they think I owe it to them. See, all you guys want is a handout. I don't have something in it and now you're getting mad again. Years ago we didn't have this problem. But now it's just a hassle to get them to do anything."

Well, other than haul hundreds of pounds strapped to their backs up and down mountains all day long for mere ~~peanuts~~ hay, or if they're really lucky, their fave barley straw. Haha, they don't even get paid, the dumbasses!

"Don't turn your head, I know you're embarrassed because you're part of the problem, alright, but we can turn it around."

Ok, good because talking to herds of animals is probably not the healthiest hobby to have.

“These donkeys don’t live in the United States of France. They live in the United States of America!”

Oooh, but wherever is this “United States of France” he speaks of? Is it in Socialist Europe, like that other "France" we've heard of? Ya know, that snooty, war-hating country with an "elitist social safety net" and fields of fine wine-growing plants as far as the monocled eye can see, if it wasn't already smashed on Cabernet Sauvignon.

"They keep thinking that Obama's gonna to take care of them, Obama's gonna feed them. Obama's gonna build their barns. Look if I could get Obama out of health care that we're stuck with, I could do things. I could get these teeth fixed. But he's gotta get away, he's got to let me do the things I need to do."

Like, say, whisper sweet nothings to livestock?

"See those big ears? Still can't hear me."

Ugh, great so they're dumb and deaf now??

What an ass!

That Eeyore dude seems like a wonderful candidate though!

What Do You Call 11,062 Square Feet Of Unparalleled Mormon Luxury? Mitt Romney's Big Love Shack!

2011-08-23T00:00:00.000-05:00

OMG, did you hear the terrible, Earth-shattering news? No, no not that Slick Rick Perry has entered the Presidential race in a noble attempt to ~~destroy~~ restore America to its wonderful Antebellum glory. Something far, far more sinister!

President Barack Obama has just embarked on his third consecutive annual family vacation to Martha's Vineyard, in August, when literally nothing happens anywhere anyway. Ugh, the elitist nerve!

Well this makes some people very pretend furious!

Like a one Willard "Mittens" Romney, who was simply outraged that that barbarian president of ours, the one with the chocolate skin and secret Socialist smile, would dare summer on his aristocratic island of privilege and palaces, Martha's Vineyard, at the same time his charming Mormon brood was sucking sweet lobster tail with fellow Latter Day Saints for $2,500 a pop.

“If you’re the president of the United States, and the nation is in crisis — and we’re in a jobs crisis right now — then you shouldn’t be out vacationing,” Romney told Chicago’s WLS-AM radio hosts Don Wade and Roma.

That's Mitten's job, damn it!

“Instead you should be focusing on getting the economy going again. And, yeah, go back to the office yourself, pull back members of Congress and focus on getting the job done.”

Like figuring out some way to turn his God-awful, cramped, 3,009 square feet, $12 million oceanside hobo ranch in La Jolla into something a little more "adequate" for his needs, like say, a disgustingly ginormous, mind-blowingly lavish 11,062-square-foot fortress, so he can finally relax without one of "the help" breathing down his neck every time he blows his maid whistle to have his hair fluffed or feet rubbed.

From the San Diego Union-Tribune:

GOP presidential contender Mitt Romney, scheduled to attend a series of fundraisers this weekend in San Diego, is also working on plans to nearly quadruple the size of his $12 million oceanfront manse in La Jolla.

Romney has filed an application with the city to bulldoze his 3,009-square-foot, single-story home at 311 Dunemere Dr. and replace it with a two-story, 11,062-square-foot structure. No date has been set to consider the proposed coastal development and site development permits, which must be approved by the city.

According to a description from the listing agent, the Spanish-style residence at the end of a quiet cul-de-sac is sophisticated and understated in its décor, “offering complete privacy and unsurpassed elegance.” Tentative plans call for new retaining walls and a relocated driveway, but would retain the existing lap pool and spa.

Ostentatious luxury homes are people, too! Besides, having only 3,009 square feet is more of a clusterf*ck than a naked blindfolded pyramid at Guantanamo. For American everyman Mittens Romney, an 11,062-square-foot mansion is more like basic human dignity!

But fear not America! Because while elitist Obama and his royal First Family frolic in some hoity-toity island/winery Martha Stewart owns, Romney will not begin construction on his reasonable new West Coast fortress while he is still a presidential candidate.

Which should be coming to a screeching halt in 3, 2, 1...

From Politico:

“Construction will not begin until the permits have been obtained and the campaign is finished,” the [Romney campaign] official said.

Oh, building to begin in October then?

The reason for the expansion, according to the official, is family: “They want to enlarge their two bedroom home because with five married sons and 16 grandchildren it is inadequate for their needs.”

You know how those sisterwives are about confined spaces!

But seriously, all of Mitt Romney's grown adult children are still living in mom 'n pop's basement?

C'mon people, what's more American than that?

True Men Don't Kill Coyotes, They Kill Federal Reserve Chairmen!

2011-08-18T00:00:00.001-05:00

Heil Jesus?

Memo to Rick Perry: Don't hold your arm like that. Especially at a podium with a microphone in front of a crowd. I mean seriously. Don't even let your arm do that for a second. Not even one second. Just a suggestion.

Then again, Slick Rick was never one to take advice from anyone. That's for pussies and queers, not cowboy presidents who murder coyotes with laser-sighted pistols during routine morning jogs.

Now pipe down, so we can hear who or what America's favorite maniac executioner/George W. Bush's long lost twin on steroids wants to axe murder today.

Oh, just every single federal regulation ever, and also everyone who isn't white, Christian, and a card-carrying member of the NRA. Oh, and also Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, of course!

"We’re calling today on the president of the United States to put a moratorium on regulations across this country, because his regulations, his EPA regulations are killing jobs all across America."

Yeah, enough job killing already! It's high time we started killing people, God damn it! Never mind that Perry’s little "moratorium on regulations" would mean a literal end to the rule of law in the United States. I mean, seriously, who needs clean water, functional aircraft, food that's not poisoned, cars that don't spontaneously combust, and blood pressure drugs that aren't laced with arsenic, anyway? Certainly not Rick Perry and his Grand Old Party of idiot Tea bags!

Just wait til you see what slick Rick is gonna do to ol' money bags Ben Bernanke if he even so much as dares do his evil socialist government job and increase stimulus spending to save the nation's economy. He's about to go all Texas two-step on his ass.

Via ThinkProgress:

Speaking just now in Iowa, Perry said, “If this guy prints more money between now and the election, I dunno what y’all would do to him in Iowa but we would treat him pretty ugly down in Texas. Printing more money to play politics at this particular time in American history is almost treacherous -- or treasonous -- in my opinion."

Though, if it's for a nice, Texas-sized game of monopoly, he'll let it slide. He's not unreasonable!

It's just that Rick Perry, unlike dumbass Bernanke, understands the subtle nuances of monetary policy, which is why he is calling for everyone to trade in Glenn Beck's fake gold coins, the tears of Mexican migrant workers, and the severed body parts of executed prisoners.

It's like a "policy platform," just with more awesome death 'n stuff. Why spend money on bringing bloody, senseless wars and anarchy abroad in gross Muslimy countries, when you can have all the fun right here in good, Christian America?

Rick Perry: Because sometimes the only cure is...more cowboy!

He's just like George W. Bush, minus the brains.

Guess everything really is bigger in Texas, disasters included. Man-made or otherwise.

Rick Perry Doesn't Care If His Pork Chop-On-A-Stick Contains Rat Feces

Barack Obama Hits The Road As His Approval Hits The Skids, While Michele Bachman Wins Over Iowa By Shoving Corn Dogs Into Wide Gaping Holes

2011-08-16T00:00:00.000-05:00

2012 Fever is on the rise in Iowa, where desperate Republican candidates (and Marcus Bachmann!) deep-throated footlong corndogs (for freedom) in order to get elected President of the "Ames Straw Poll," hobnob with racist, old, white Midwesterners, provide endless comedic relief to the rest of us, and of course, prove to the entire nation their skills are second-to-none when it comes to gobbling down various delicious meat-on-stick combinations.

Hotttttttt!

Michele Bachmann narrowly won the Iowa straw poll of Republicans on Saturday in the first big test of the 2012 presidential campaign, as Texas Governor Rick Perry formally launched a White House bid that could reshape the race.

Tim Pawlenty, the former governor of Minnesota, dropped out of the presidential race Sunday morning after finishing a distant third in Saturday’s Iowa GOP straw poll.

T-Paw, we hardly knew ye. And that was how we liked it.

Candidates who go all-in but fall well short in Ames typically find it difficult to raise money, and without personal wealth to fall back on, Mr. Pawlenty decided to cut his losses and bow out. In addition, the entry of Texas Gov. Rick Perry into the race Saturday, combined with Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann’s victory in the straw poll, has shifted the focus to their expected battle for the hearts and minds of conservatives.

Good-bye, what’s his name, Tim Polenta or whatever. Hello, crazy lady and new "serious candidate" guy, Rick Perry. The one who prayed to God for rain.

USA! USA! USA! USA!

So, while the mercury was rising in the ~~cornfields~~ deep fat fryers of bumblef**k Iowa, things were cooling off considerably for a one, Barack Obama, whose popularity has plummeted thanks to a hellish economy and even more hellish Congress filled with hellish human teabags.

According to the latest Gallup Poll, Barack Obama's approval has fallen to 39%, his lowest presidential approval rate yet, putting him on par with adult onset diabetes, bumper-to-bumper traffic, heat rash, mowing your lawn with a small pair of dull scissors, and getting stuck in an elevator, marooned a deserted island, or just having to spend an extended period of time with any one of the lovely Republican presidential candidates, not including Tim Pawlenty, who falls somewhere between Ebola and the Plague.

But what ever should an increasingly unpopular politician do to raise cash money, when "being good at your job/saving the nation from catastrophe" just doesn't seem to cut it?

Umm, let's see, ask, "What Would Sarah Do?" then hightail it to the nearest bus depot, get behind the wheel of the biggest, most souped up, 18-wheeler tour bus available, paint a big, gaudy American flag right smack dab in the middle, and rumble aimlessly across the country, whoring yourself out for as much money and attention as possible.

Oh look, he's already got one of Sarah Palin's tricks down pat. Blame everybody else for everything wrong all the time, every hour of every day, “as though your job depends upon it.”

From The Hill:

President Obama, itching to spend more time outside of Washington, begins a three-day bus tour of the Midwest on Monday afternoon in Minnesota.

Obama is expected to use the trip to highlight his own criticism of Congress and Washington as he increasingly looks to run against Washington in 2012 despite four years on the job in the Oval Office.

“During the debt-ceiling debate we were trapped here, it felt like, for many, many weeks,” White House communications director Dan Pfeiffer said Friday.

“He got his first trip out of Washington [last week] to Michigan, and he’s looking forward to traveling back home to Illinois, to Minnesota, and also, of course, to Iowa, which is a place that always has had a special connection with this president and this White House.”

See, Obama hates being nailed down at his job as much as the rest of the 9-5 schlubs in America. Well, other than pray-the-gay-away therapist/personal stylist exraordinaire/secret sausage king Marcus Bachmann, that is.

"If you're talking about a stunt, I don't think a stunt is what the American people are looking for," White House press secretary, Jay Carney, told reporters. "They're looking for leadership, and they're looking for a focus on economic growth and job creation."

By shoving thick tubular meat down their throats, we presume!

Mitt Romney Knows Corporations Are People Too, Which Is Why He Is Officially Registered As A Limited Liability Person

2011-08-12T00:00:00.004-05:00

In these trying economic times when money is scarce, jobs even scarcer, and rational behavior crushed and ground into deliciously nutty human tea bags, where o where will we find a presidential candidate fearless enough to stand up for the rights of the biggest victims of all, the poor, sad, helpless, mega-corporations?

Look no further than everyone's favorite Mormon gaffe machine and master of the flip-flop (not the things gross poor people wear on their feet), Willard Mittens Romney, my friend! Finally, someone with the common sense and moral courage to stand up and proudly declare once and for all, "Corporations are people, my friend."

Well, this didn't go over so well with the rest of the 99 percent of the population not sitting on billions of dollars made by squeezing out productivity gains from the handful of workers they haven't already laid off to maximize profits for small groups of shareholders, like Mittens 'n Co.

Apparently, many of the human "people" in attendance at the Iowa State Fair don't much appreciate being lectured about America's need to "reform" Medicare and Social Security, while simultaneously showering mega-rich corporations with tax breaks, precious gems, poor people's tears, and assorted other goodies.

ROMNEY: We have to make sure that the promises we make - and Social Security, Medicaid, and Medicare - are promises we can keep. And there are various ways of doing that. One is, we could raise taxes on people.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Corporations!
ROMNEY: Corporations are people, my friend. We can raise taxes on -
AUDIENCE MEMBER: No, they're not!
ROMNEY: Of course they are. Everything corporations earn also goes to people.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]
ROMNEY: Where do you think it goes?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: It goes into their pockets!
ROMNEY: Whose pockets? Whose pockets? People's pockets! Human beings, my friend. So number one, you can raise taxes. That's not the approach that I would take.

Of course that's not the approach Mittens would take. Heavens forbid! After all, corporations are "people," thanks to several decades of terrible court decisions granting them the same legal protections as dumb carbon-based, oxygen-breathing, tax-paying, real people, while at the same time freeing them from such nagging human restraints as "having a conscience."

All Mittens is trying to do is innocently remind everyone about their common humanity with corporations, who are exactly like them, right down to their shiny steel facade, cold, empty interior, and endless supply of cold hard cash, thanks to the big bad gubmint's refund-for-rich people programs.

Maybe the next time you people come across a giant skyscraper or sprawling corporate complex, you should try shaking its hand and asking how its day was like a normal person, instead of staring at its exposed bricks and beams like some sort of impolite, capitalist-hating maniac.

Why is it always up to Mittens to shout down the masses with free business lessons in capitalism run amok, like all the billion$ of reasons why corporations are people, but poors are not.

Guess that's what great leaders are for. That, and standing up for the big guy because here in Romney's America, the government of the corporation, by the corporation, for the corporation, shall not perish from the Earth.

That, my friend, is what poor people are for.

Fox News Outraged That Barack Obama Had The Nerve To Invite Black People As Guests, Not Servers, To His Birthday Party

2011-08-10T00:00:00.000-05:00

While the economy continued its downward hell spiral thanks to Standard & Poor's (really, that's the best name you could come up with? Really?) very responsible decision to downgrade America's debt and grind it into highly toxic, spite-flavored tea leaves for Republican enjoyment, Fox News was busy thinking up the most offensive, racist headline their little brains could muster accusing President Obama of celebrating his 50th "birth"day instead of single-handedly creating jobs for every (white) person in America.

The nerve! No, no, not Fox News equating a celebrity-studded backyard birthday BBQ in the White House Rose Garden with some kind of secret Muslim anti-employment Socialist Black Panther rally where they do scary "black people things" like listen to "hip-hop" and eat char-grilled burgers. Why, Barack Obama celebrating his five decades on this planet with actual black people, instead of just old racist white men who watch Fox News all day, of course!

Ugh, I mean, why didn't this barbecue party create jobs? The least he could've done is hire some Fox News viewers to flip burgers and re-fill beer glasses. For Christ's sake, why is Obama always pallin' around with black people, anyways? Why can't he party with some employed people like Ted Nugent for a change, or does he only like musicians who are black, blind and talented?

Maybe if he had some more white people there, other than Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, and the scores of similarly milky-hued people in attendance, they would accidentally create some jobs while Obama parties?

Point is no one knows. What Fox News does know, however, is that black people are not allowed to have money or parties or fun or BBQs unless the white people in the country get their money and parties and fun and BBQs first. It’s like this Negro President of ours STILL cannot remember the rules!

Maybe Fox would have better luck if they put it into rhyme over a phatty beat.

Finally, their first real job!

Master Of Delusion Newt Gingrich Buys Fake Twitter Followers To Go Along With Everything Else In His Life

2011-08-04T00:00:00.004-05:00

OMG, LOLZ. White-haired swamp creature and master of the Twittervirse Newt Gingrich's presidential campaign may be on life support, but unlike his first wife, that doesn't mean ol' Newt's going to leave it to die, cold and alone, on a hospital bed.

Sure, his campaign is over $1 million in debt, the perpetual butt of all late-night talk show jokes, and he is consistently polling several points below "no one/none of the above" among likely GOP voters, but there's still one place Newt shines brighter than one of the Callista's precious Tiffany's diamonds: Twitter!

It's true! Just look at the 1.3 million living, breathing, carbon-based, life forms following Sir Newton's 140-character nonsense declarations about what he ate for lunch (pizza) and why illegal secret Muslim terrorist Socialists from Kendonesia are waaaaay worse for America than serial adulterers who lie, steal, cheat, and marry alien women who eat luxury jewelry, not food, for sustenance.

Oh wait! Turns out that a whopping 92% of Newt's alleged Twitter followers are actually not real at all, but rather comprised of the same fictional stuff Newt's presidential dreams are made of.

A new report suggests that 92 percent of Newt Gingrich’s 1.3 million Twitter followers are not real. The networking search firm PeekYou, which has been trying to determine the quality of Twitter audiences, examined Gingrich’s account. The firm uses 23 criteria—including name, location, and inbound and outbound links—to figure out which online users are real or fake. After analyzing each of Gingrich’s followers, they determined that only 106,055, or 8 percent, were real people. A spokesman for the company said, “The huge majority of his followers are either completely anonymous people who have no other Web presence, or they are spambots.”

Ooooh, so that's what Callista is! Let's just hope he doesn't lose the start-up disk for her, or he's screwed.

According to one of the Newt's ~~corporate bought spambots~~ former staffers:

Newt employs a variety of agencies whose sole purpose is to procure Twitter followers for people who are shallow/insecure/unpopular enough to pay for them. As you might guess, Newt is most decidedly one of the people to which these agencies cater.
About 80 percent of those accounts are inactive or are dummy accounts created by various “follow agencies,” another 10 percent are real people who are part of a network of folks who follow others back and are paying for followers themselves (Newt’s profile just happens to be a part of these networks because he uses them, although he doesn’t follow back), and the remaining 10 percent may, in fact, be real, sentient people who happen to like Newt Gingrich. If you simply scroll through his list of followers you’ll see that most of them have odd usernames and no profile photos, which has to do with the fact that they were mass generated. Pathetic, isn’t it?

Pathetic? Only if you live in reality, my friend, only if you live in reality. Besides, I'm almost positive that @Tiffany's Accounting Department is a real follower.

Meanwhile, a Gingrich campaign aide blasted the list-rigging claim, tweeting that it was "a false accusation which will hurt the feelings of 1.3 million people. #rude."

Yes, were sure @041113846806103's feelings are very hurt. In fact, he's probably crying himself to sleep(mode) as we speak.

Hooray! America's Downfall Is Officially Postponed As House Passes Awful Debt Deal Everyone Hates

2011-08-02T00:00:00.001-05:00

Rejoice, my fellow Americans, the Debtpocalypsegeddon is almost over! America is back on top (of its flaming pile of unpaid bills, bounced checks, borrowed loans, crumpled receipts, IOUs, and angry post-it threats from China!) Woohoo! USA#1! USA#1! USA#1!

After weeks of alternately fucking with, psyching out, and pissing off President Obama by acting like a bunch of rabid, syphilis-ravaged meth head vampires, Republicans and Democrats in congress finally reached a debt deal, avoiding turning America into one big deadbeat dad like Tea Party House freshman scumbag Joe Walsh currently representing the 8th district of Illinois, not his $117,437 financial (or paternal) obligation to his three lazy, good-for-nothing school-age children. Get a job, junior!

Oohoh, but what sort of awesome "party favors" will the American people take home from this weeks-long, non-stop Boehnerific congressional coke-n-hookers-n-corporate-loopholes Teabagger rage fest?

Umm, how about $2.4 trillion in spending cuts with no guaranteed revenue raisers, but a coupon for a free bag of pork rinds instead? Okay? Okay!

“The result would be the lowest level of annual domestic spending since Dwight Eisenhower was president,” Obama explained.

Yay! So does that mean a return to Eisenhower-level taxes for the richest 1% of the population?

No, don't be silly! Democrats volunteered their balls to be cut off, dipped in delicious beer batter, fried to golden perfection and served to the hungry Republicans working round-the-clock to destroy any semblance left of this God-awful, 235-year-old experiment in Representative Democracy, formerly known as the United States of America.

Okay, what else?

America gets another bipartisan debt commission that everyone will ignore because they get one of those every year.

But that's not all!

The American people are also the lucky recipients of the horribly dangerous and reckless Teabagger tactics of holding the country hostage, as well as the failed "one party says this, the other party says that" media machine that treats Fox News as Journalism and crazy people like human beings.

Hooray!

So congrats America! For all your hard work and dedication to electing some of the worst human beings in history to steer the country, your reward is a little note that says, “the global economy will not collapse tomorrow, you’re welcome.”

Pending final passage, the agreement marked a dramatic reach across party lines that played out over six months and several rounds of negotiating, interspersed by periods of intense partisanship.
“Sometimes it seems our two sides disagree on almost everything,” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said in floor remarks.
“But in the end, reasonable people were able to agree on this: The United States could not take the chance of defaulting on our debt, risking a United States financial collapse and a world-wide depression.”

Silly people! Think about all the money they just left on the table in prozac sales alone. Actually don't. It's kind of depressing.

According to a new Washington Post/Pew Research poll:

Americans give overwhelmingly negative reviews to the fierce budget debate that has transfixed Washington over the past few weeks, and large numbers now think less favorably about the country’s political leaders.
Asked for single-word characterizations of the budget negotiations, the top words in the poll — conducted in the days before an apparent deal was struck — were “ridiculous,” “disgusting” and “stupid.” Overall, nearly three-quarters of Americans offered a negative word; just 2 percent had anything nice to say.
“Ridiculous” was the most frequently mentioned word among Democrats, Republicans and independents alike.

While the word ridiculous was commonest among both Democrats and Republicans, the most frequent word used by Tea Party Republicans was "Niggardly," followed closely by "huh?"

"If I were a Republican, this is a night to party," said Democratic Rep. Emanuel Cleaver, who bashed the new-fangled bipartisan deal as a "sugar-coated Satan sandwich."

Which come to think of it, pairs perfectly with a nice pipin' hot mug of tea.

"The Democratic Party, no less than the Republican Party, is at a very serious crossroads at this moment...This deal weakens the Democratic Party as badly as it weakens the country," Arizona Democrat Rep. Raul Grijalva said. "We have given much and received nothing in return. The lesson today is that Republicans can hold their breath long enough to get what they want."

The end of civilization as we know it?

Lord knows, they'll drink to that!

Newt Gingrich Is Very Sorry For His Climate Change Ad With Nancy Pelosi; Vows To Spend The Next Decade Destroying The Environment To Make Up For It

2011-07-28T00:00:00.000-05:00

Pop quiz. What do you do when you're a pathetic, pandering, flailing Republican presidential candidate (a man can dream, can't he?) who in a rare fit of rational thought and courage joined the dark side and appeared in a video with commie leader Nancy Pelosi to urge the country to address the evil liberal lie known as climate change?

Kill yourself? (Please say yes, please say yes!) Reinvent reality to reflect the Grand Old Party's shift from sort-of crazy-but-still-believe-in-science to full-out-Michele-Bachmann-esque-batshit-crazy-who-believe-that-the-unprecedented-levels-of-violent-storms-hurricanes-droughts-famines-tornadoes-wildfires-isn't-from-man's-increased-industrialization-but-because-God-hates-the-homos?

Blame it on the ol' reliable standby, everyone's favorite vast left wing conspirator, the elitist, arugula-eating, no-good, Jew run media?

Oooh, oooh, I've got it! Pull some God-awful, lame-as-your-ridiculous presidential-campaign excuse out of your ass, and hope the voting public are as dumb as you think they are?

Precisely!

Here's Newt's response when asked about the 2008 ad for Al Gore's "We Can Solve It" campaign during an appearance on WGIR radio in New Hampshire:

I was trying to make a point that we shouldn't be afraid to debate the left, even on the environment, but obviously it was misconstrued, and it's probably one of those things I wouldn't do again.

Well duh!

Back in 2008 when he filmed this little badboy, it was still cool for Republicans to talk candidly about climate change and the environment.

Before abolishing the Environment Protection Agency and destroying Earth became a central issue of his "campaign," or sitting on a couch with Nancy Pelosi talking about trees and shit became the political equivalent of, say, coming out of the closet at a press conference and banging everyone of the same gender in the room with the cameras rolling.

Besides, what the hell is an "environment" anyway? Some hippie-dippie, feel-good kumbaya hogwash liberals made up to feel good about themselves?

Truth is, Newt doesn't even believe in climate change. Hell, he doesn't even believe in climate!

He believes in million dollar credit lines at Tiffany's for his beautiful, charming, third (soon-to-be-ex) trophy wife Callista.

Unlike this dumb planet (or Newt's marriages), diamonds are forever.

What Do You Call A Massive Boehner Who Laughs At The Total Collapse Of Our Economy? Speaker Of The House, Of Course!

2011-07-26T00:00:00.000-05:00

It's Monday in America, meaning it's a brand new week for the very mature adults in Congress to flitter about like special needs schoolchildren, while our nation teeters towards the brink of catastrophic self-induced collapse.

Hooray!?

Of course, being the mature, weeping, unnaturally orange-tinted Republican House Speaker that he is, John Boehner has naturally decided to stop speaking to anyone and everyone and write his own terrible debt plan instead.

Conversely, boring, normal flesh-colored Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has also decided to stop talking to everyone and opted to craft his very own $2.7 trillion deficit reduction plan, too. So there!

The good news is that both plans do effectively raise the debt limit on or before August 2, avoiding a catastrophic default and turning America into one great big deadbeat dad who refuses to pay child support, so he can watch the game on his new flat screen teevee and drown his sorrows in 40oz of whatever kind of beer it is they package in troughs and sell to poor people wearing wife beaters in the middle of the day.

In fact, the only major difference is whether the debt limit should be raised all the way into 2013, or whether Congress should redo this entire hellish debate again early next year ~~to force Democrats and Republicans to pass entitlement and tax reforms~~ because total dysfunction and the possible financial meltdown of America is one helluva good time! Amiright??

The bad news, however, is that each side is expected to reject the other's plan and we'll continue to be royally fucked, which is pretty much what happens when a bunch of immature asshats are put in positions of power and tasked with handling very important issues.

TPM reports:

Chuck Schumer (D-NY), Reid said Boehner's plan can't pass the Senate and even if it could Obama would veto it.

"The Republicans' short-term plan is a non-starter in the Senate and in the White House," Reid said. Schumer called Reid's plan a fair compromise. "At this point there is no alternative other than default, and no basis for Republicans rejecting the proposal other than that they want a default," Schumer added.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, Chuck! Don't put words into their mouths! It's not the economy they're desperately trying to gut like a fish and plunge down a filthy, slimy chute into the toilet. It's the president, silly!

What is so hard to understand here, people??

According to Politico:

A day after breathless news reports that a deal was imminent, John Boehner jokingly told his conference that he had reached a sweeping agreement with President Barack Obama to slash trillions of dollars in government spending.

“I’m just kidding,” he added, drawing a laugh from rank-and-file Republicans, according to those in the room.

Oh, hahahahahaha! Since everyone, or at least that one huge Boehner, looooooves jokes so much, here's one: Republicans are NOT going to crash our economy, destroy our credit rating, and cost us trillions in extra interest on the national debt.

Just kidding!

They'll just fire more teachers and tell more old people to go to hell.

Ya know, compromise!

Michele Bachman Has A Secret Fashion Weapon Stashed In Her Closet & His Name Is Marcus Bachmann

2011-07-25T00:00:00.001-05:00

Michele Bachmann may have a set of sparkling baby blues to kill for (try it, she dares you!) and a smokin' hot body to boot, but how does Rep. "Crazy Eye Candy" from Minnesota keep herself looking so fabulously fashionable??

Why, the secret styling weapon she keeps stashed inside her walk-in closet, of course!

From a 2006 Tribune article:

Shopping help comes from another quarter, as well. Before Vice President Dick Cheney's visit this past summer, Bachmann's husband, Marcus, hit the stores — "he's got a good sense of style" [she said] — and came home with "a sleek, simple hourglass dress with a yoke collar in winter white." He even bought a matching coat and shoes.

Ooooh, I bet he got Michele a cute li'l number too!

"Since I was a little girl, I either wore my mother's high heels or aspired to wear high heels," Michele explained.

OMG, what a coinkidink, same with Marcus! What are the chances!?

"I grew up in a very male-dominated home with three brothers and a dad who was a real outdoorsman," she said. It was only while attending law school that she became more clothes-conscious. Then came the '90s, "when I was pregnant with one child or another," she said. "I wasn't particularly stylish then."

C'mon Michy! Popping out precious li'l miracles of God every which way is the absolute perfect time for over-sized flannel shirts, faded high-waisted jeans, and MC Hammer pants.

"I dress fairly simply," she said. "I like clean lines. I like solid colors. But I like an outfit to have a little kick." For inspiration, she looks to Audrey Hepburn and Jackie Onassis -- and indeed, the pale pink suit and gloves she wore for President Bush's fundraising visit in August seemed a flashback to Camelot.

That choice was inspired by a girlfriend who owned "a darling pink suit" that she had bought at Herberger's. Bachmann thought it was the special outfit that the event required, "so my girlfriend went to get an identical one at the store's sidewalk sale," she said. "For $39!"

God that Marcus really is a lifesaver!

But it wasn't until her election to the Minnesota State Senate that the 5-foot-1 Bachmann felt compelled to "take a little more care with how I looked."

"I have a very lean wardrobe," she said. "I get hand-me-downs from my mother, who also does a lot of garage-saling. On occasion, I'll go to Nordstrom's Petites and get something for full price, but only if I think I'll get four or five years' wear out of it."

By then Marcus is more than happy to take if off her hands. He's such a good ~~girlfriend~~, ~~wife~~, husband!

WWJD? Probably Anything But Ask Rick Perry & His Crazy People Revival For Help!

2011-07-21T00:00:00.000-05:00

Read My Lips. No New Texans!

It is no secret that God has been keeping all the rain to himself (mastery of the universe sure makes a deity thirsty!) and shooting fire and brimstone at the morality-crazed wingnuts in the American South like some wild, hormone-crazed, undersexed teenager furiously firing BB pellets at empty beer cans in the backyard.

This, of course, has left wingnuts a little confused. Particularly, Republican governor wingnuts, whose idea of showing leadership in times of crisis usually consists of getting down on both knees to ~~suck corporate Koch for money~~ humbly turn to the Lord Almighty Jesus Christ to solve all their awful Earthly woes.

Like current preacher-in-chief and possible commander-in-chief, Governor Rick Perry of Texas, who already successfully quenched the parched landscape and burning bushes of Texas by praying to the Big Man upstairs to make it rain, while simultaneously praying to the Big Bad gubmint to make it rain dolla dolla bills like Pacman Jones at a strip club.

I mean, what else should the elected leader of a state do to stem the raging wildfires and endless drought plaguing the state? Admit global warming is a real, serious threat that humans have the power to make better or worse? Start actually adhering to the Environmental Protection Agency's regulations of planet-warming emissions like some elitist science-loving pussy?

Aww, hell no! Not over his burnt, sweating hands! Why, it would be un-American! And certainly, un-Texas like!

C'mon, he's not an idiot! He'll do what any responsible individual facing unprecedented challenges from both nature and culture (gay people), and hold a modern-day tent revival called "The Response," inviting Christians to pray for solutions to all of America's problems. Like say black Godless Socialists in the White House...

Hooray!

Slated for August 6th (day of reckoning?), Rick Perry's historic all-day Pray-n-Fast will take place in Houston and be "a non-denominational, apolitical Christian prayer meeting" where "people of all ages, races, backgrounds and Christian denominations will be in attendance to proclaim Jesus as Savior and pray for America."

So come on down to Reliant Stadium, but make sure to leave your Muslim prayer rugs and Jewish stars at home because this Prayerpalooza is all inclusive, so long as you have Jesus Christ in your heart and a glock 19mm in your hand.

From The Response website:

"We believe that America is in a state of crisis. Not just politically, financially or morally, but because we are a nation that has not honored God in our successes or humbly called on Him in our struggles. According to the Bible, the answer to a nation in such crisis is to gather in humility and repentance and ask God to intervene."

Since the actual elected leaders apparently don't know how to solve shit.

Yes, it is high time to turn to a "greater power," and by greater power we don't mean the governor, just someone who has some authority or perhaps even a single good idea to help people out of catastrophe, which unless it involves shooting coyotes with laser-sighted pistols, is clearly not Rick Perry.

Hate to say it, but ever consider He's just not that into you??

Besides, severe drought and raging wildfires are one thing. But asking the good people of Texas to abstain from stuffing their mouths for one whole day?

That would take a miracle!

Oy Vey! Like Everything Else, Michele Bachmann Works Up The Nerve To Say "Chutzpah" In The Most Idiotic Way Possible

2011-07-19T00:00:00.000-05:00

~~Michele~~ Meshugana Bachmann went on her favoritest Fox News for the third time in one week not to talk about her homosexual husband's tendency to listen to struggling men talk about their terrible same-sex attractions all day long (for Jesus!) and also to once again remind the world why anyone too dumb and crazy to complete a coherent thought should probably never be in charge of anything, let alone the actual United States of America.

But instead of just giving her predictably asinine thoughts about how defaulting on our debt will do nothing to hurt U.S. credit ratings because "we have the money to pay it" (psst: even if we don't really pay it) and Jesus said we're too big to fail, Michele decided to go ahead and offend Yiddish-speaking bubbies across this great nation.

Oy Vey!

"It more fashionable for the president to scare people and say the sky is about to fall, we're gonna lose our credit rating. No we won't, we have plenty of money to pay it, just pay it, take that issue off the table..."

Yes, ma'am!

"Here's the big issue. The president doesn’t want to have to be confronted with priorities in spending, because he has a lot of chutzpah."

Except she pronounces "chutzpah" "shoot-spa" because apparently Michele has only ever heard of Jews, she has never actually heard Jews (they probably aren't allowed in MN-06!).

Besides, "Shoot-spa" is what Michele calls the rifle range. Ya know, the place that normal, decent, non-Jewish Americans go to relieve stress from cartoonishly closeted hubbies flitting about every which way, or making humiliating mispronunciation gaffes of Jewish-y words on national teevee. National Jew-run teevee!

Oh well. It's like they always say, better goy than gay!

Wonder how she pronounces, "My husband is a "faygala?"

Some Things Never Change: Like Eric Cantor Being A Smug, Greedy, Li'l Bastard Everybody Hates

2011-07-16T00:00:00.000-05:00

And the winner of the screw you, sniveling weasel, economy be damned, willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead, shameless, narcissistic, prick award goes to....

"I want what I want when I want it."

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor's high school yearbook quote.

Apparently, Eric Ivan Cantor wanted the same thing he wants now: to whine incessantly and ruin everything for everyone. Which is probably what helped make him as popular then as he is now!

Hmmm. All that smug entitlement and childlike petulance reminds me of someone else...

"But Daddy I want an Oompa Loompa now!" — Veruca Salt

Gooses, geeses, I want a goose that lays golden eggs for Easter. What a coincidence! Just like Eric.

Losers, Geezers, I want a douche who lays goose eggs for Speaker.

Guess everyone gets what they want.

Well, except an economy!

Crazy, Closeted, RV-Driving Wingnut Can't Help Being A Racist, Homophobic Lunatic, He Was Born That Way!

2011-07-14T00:00:00.001-05:00

Ah yes, here it is, the old rusted-out camper, America's most trusted journalist to warn us all about the evil (gay?) that lurks in the hearts of men. More specifically, Teabagging men who loudly & proudly align themselves with a group named after the hilarious, super-straight act of dipping one man's testicles in the mouth and/or face of another similarly hetero man. For freedom. Hooray!

And in case you were wondering exactly what a Teabagger stream-of-~~consciousness~~ craziness looks like, look no further than their favorite mobile medium of personal expression, the creepy pedovan, aka a rusty, broken down 1970-something RV.

There, you will find all the scintillating brilliance and sophisticated wisdom of a man, so steeped in divinity and the true path of the righteous, he uses two L's when concocting (haha, cock!) his REVELATION admonishing the world, "ITS SINFULL TO VOTE FOR FAG POLITICIANS."

But that's not it! Heavens to Betsy no! Not when QUEER (BI-SEXUAL) COMMUNIST OBAMA BOWS DOWN TO SATAN WORLDWIDE BECAUSE HE WORSHIPS THEIR REAR END!

Forget T.S. Eliot (queer!), this is the new, improved, wingnut recreational vehicle-driving poet TEA S. Eliot!

And what is more proof of your straight-as-an-arrow sexuality than flat-out refusing to even bother with those three flaming drama queens: spelling, grammar, and punctuation!?

Less obvious is, of course, why he even bothers calling the his scripture-mobile "REVELATION" when every wingnut worth his weight in McRibs already knows about all these things!?

Jesus told them when he was teaching them how to ride dinosaurs in the Olive Garden of Eden!

This guy is so full of wonderful facts and useful li'l pearls of wisdom that it's almost impossible picking his finest verse.

"QUEER (BI-SEXUAL) COMMUNIST, OBAMA HATES AMERICAN SOLDIERS GUTS, SO HE MAKES THEM QUEERS SO THEY WILL BE NOTORIOUS, AND HATED, INSTEAD FAMOUS AND LIKED. PLAYING EVERYONE FOR A SUCKER WHICH IS ALL HE DOES."

**Sigh.** Einstein lives among us!

Truer words have never been spoken, err, except maybe this next passage:

"QUEER (SATAN) OBAMA, QUEERS EVERYTHING IN AMERICA, HE EVEN QUEERS THE ARMY. QUEER OBAMA WANTS SOLDIERS TO WEAR PINK UNIFORMS, NYLON STOCKINGS, AND HIGH HEELS, IT TURNS HIM ON."

Clearly, TEA S. Eliot is very familiar with this sort of thing, which isn't too surprising since everyone knows practice makes perfect!

Unless, someone with a lot of experience on the subject told him instead.

Couldn't be Sarah Palin, since she already quit her bus tour to go relax and club salmon to death on the bottom of a carcass-filled rowboat.

Which could only mean one more shining example that Marcus Bachmann's pray-the-gay-away conversion therapy works wonders!

From fruit to nut in the time it takes to decorate an old, broken down homo van with misspelled banners for crazy people.

Michele Bachmann Signs "Marriage Pledge" To Stay Away From Porn, Gays & Revert To The Good Ol' Days Of Slavery

2011-07-13T00:00:00.001-05:00

Aspiring Insane-Person-in-Chief and tragic illiteracy victim Michele Bachmann will not sign dumb, 1000+ page bills helping stupid poor people (or pesky sick kids) get health care, mostly because she's too busy channeling her lovely kindred spirit serial killing clown John Wayne Gacy and also because anything over three pages double spaced 16-point font makes her very uncomfortable. Like gay people uncomfortable!

What she will do, however, is sign one of those ridiculous pledge things, like say one called "The Marriage Vow," where she promises to never make sinful sexytime with her husband (haha like he has "straight people" sex anyway!), defend the sacred union of one miserable man to one miserable woman like Jesus intended, hate Islam, and pop out as many precious li'l miracles of God as a porn-less, loveless marriage with a closet case will allow.

Unfortunately, like most things Michele Bachmann is involved with, but has no idea what the hell she is doing or saying, this particular Marriage Vow pledge was also slightly problematic, probably because the very first point of the pledge makes some terribly racist statement about how it was better to be born a black child of slaves than a black child under Barack Obama.

“Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President,” is the first bullet point on the vow's preamble.

Nothin' wrong there, amiright?

Oh, what, like that's a big deal!

See the thing is all the distasteful, awful stuff about the advantages of slavery for black youth was only in the preamble, which apparently doesn't count as part of the actual document, because like, c'mon, who actually reads those silly things anyway?

Certainly not Michele Bachmann!

In her nutty world, "We the people...have no use for preambles."

From Politico:

A Bachmann spokeswoman said earlier Saturday that reports the congresswoman had signed a vow that contained the slavery language was wrong, noting it was not in the “vow” portion.
“She signed the ‘candidate vow,’ ” campaign spokeswoman Alice Stewart said, and distanced Bachmann from the preamble language, saying, “In no uncertain terms, Congresswoman Bachmann believes that slavery was horrible and economic enslavement is also horrible.”

But not quite as horrible as aligning yourself with a faux "family values" wingnut hate group that spells its name “FAMiLY LEADER.” Or for that matter, as horrible as being someone who is so against gay marriage, she ended up in one!

Either way, Michele Bachmann is officially the first presidential candidate (if we can even call her that) to sign this dumb thing, created by The Family Leader and it’s Chief Executive Officer of Ridiculous-Sounding Names, Bob Vander Plaats.

Presidential candidates who sign the pledge must agree to personal fidelity to his or her spouse, the appointment of “faithful constitutionalists” as judges, opposition to any redefinition of marriage, and prompt reform of uneconomic and anti-marriage aspects of welfare policy, tax policy and divorce law.
The Marriage Vow also outlines support for the legal advocacy for the federal Defense of Marriage Act, humane efforts to protect women and children, rejection of Sharia Islam, safeguards for all married and unmarried U.S. military service members, and commitment to downsizing government and the burden upon American families.
In addition, candidates are asked to recognize that “robust childrearing and reproduction is beneficial to U.S. demographic, economic, strategic and actuarial health and security.”

Okay ladies, toss off those burqas, throw away your Korans, and start popping out all the babies you can fit inside you, for America.

And then elect Michele Bachmann for president of the UNiTED STATES of ~~America~~ Jesus so she can take this country back from whoever ran away with it.

A literate, charming black man whose fine chocolate ass a certain M. Bachmann cannot stop obsessing over every waking hour of every day.

No, no not Michele, silly! Heavens forbid! We're talking about her husband, Marcus of course!

Mississippi: Where Magnolias, Mud Pie, & Morbid Obesity Mingle

2011-07-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

Grab a twinkie and fire up the deep fryer, America!

For all the talk about how the U.S. is declining in this, or sagging in that, or losing its competitive edge to some increasingly industrial, infuriatingly industrious, overpopulated country in Asia, you can bet your ~~bottom~~ badonkadonk dollar the mighty red, white 'n blue still ranks at the top of the lard heap in at least one thing: morbid obesity.

Take that Michelle Obama!

And much like the civil war, sky-high illiteracy rates, falling graduation rates, rising unemployment rates, declining standards of living, rampant discrimination, constitutional bans on gay marriage, and widespread inequality, the nation once again has the South to thank.

Woohoo!

According to a new public health report by the Trust for America's Health and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, the number of obese U.S. adults rose in 16 states in the last year, helping push obesity rates in a dozen states above 30 percent and one-fifth of the adult population precariously close to Double Down Kentucky Fried Death.

Taking the ~~cake~~ mud pie is none other than Mississippi, whose adult obesity rate of 34.4 percent is more than enough to secure it a top spot as the fattest state in the union. On the other end of the spectrum is naturally hippie dippie Colorado, whose skinny li'l hemp wearing populace is too busy eating granola (or is it being granola?) and skiing down mountains to join the 49 other United States of Clogged Arteries, all with adult obesity rates above 20 percent.

Still, that's a lot of fat people! But even scarier than a bunch of sweaty, obese people squeezing into tank tops and speedos is how the numbers are rising (almost as fast as their cholesterol and/or insurance rates!).

"Today, the state with the lowest adult obesity rate would have had the highest rate in 1995," said Jeff Levi, executive director of the Trust for America's Health.

Chew on that, people! But please for the love of God, stop swallowing.

"If we're going to reverse the obesity trends, willpower alone won't do it. We're going to have to make healthier choices easier for Americans," Levi said.

Ummm, put down the fork?? To binge or not to binge, that is the question.

Oh, and there's also this.

Over the past 15 years, seven states have doubled their rate of obesity and 10 states have doubled their rate of diabetes.

And all 50 states have doubled their meat patty:cheese ratio, which may or not be relevant, but hey who's counting?

Since 1995, obesity rates have risen fastest in Oklahoma, Alabama and Tennessee, while Colorado, Connecticut and Washington, D.C., had the slowest increases.

Must be from all that elitist arugula.

Adults from racial and ethnic minority groups, as well as those with less education and lower incomes, continue to have the highest overall obesity rates.

Although, on the bright side, they'll probably soon all die of a massive heart attack anyway, so at least Medicare costs will go down. If not, a nice triple thick chocolate shake from McD's should do the trick!

Plus, if you think about it, all that fat is a prime source of rich untapped domestic energy, which if extracted and converted properly, could probably fuel this great nation for generations to come.

Who needs British Petroleum when you've got American Lard Ass?

Welcome to a new greasy utopia of energy independence...From freedom fries to freedom!

WANTED:

For Theft Of Hot Bodies

A Composite Sketch of the Suspect Provided by Mississippi State Police

Fox News Celebrates The Birth Of America By Tweeting The Death Of Obama

2011-07-06T00:00:00.000-05:00

Howdy, America! While you were temporarily freed from the shackles of your office cubicle in order to patriotically guzzle beer, shove burgers into your mouth, and light sparkly red, white, and blue trinkets that explode in the sky in celebration of our nation's Independence from ~~elitist accents~~, ~~crumpets~~, ~~bad teeth~~ the British, Fox News was busy reminding us all why their network is the most freedom-loving, fair & balanced, trusted name in news by falsely tweeting that President Obama was assassinated.

Oh wait, turns out much like Anthony Weiner's weiner, they too can't say with "certitude" if the obscene Tweets in question were in fact their own, or the fiendish work of some devilish hackers who coincidentally decided to declare war on the tyranny of Fox News JURNLIZM on the very day our forefathers declared war on the tyranny of the British colonial rule some 235 years ago by announcing the (hilarious?) death of our 44th president.

Which is sort of a creepy joke to make, huh? But how did everyone know these Tweets (aka Fox News' wet dreams in 140 characters) were indeed faker than Glenn Beck's gold coins?

Certainly, they were consistent with Fox News' policy of reporting nothing but the non-truth, the whole non-truth, and nothing but the non-truth, so help them God!

After all, Obama wasn't in Iowa as the posts said, NOR IS HE DEAD.

A group, vaguely aligned with Anonymous and calling itself the Script Kiddies, (for those who don't live in their parent's basements writing code, "script kiddies" is a pejorative term for wannabe hackers) claimed responsibility for hacking the Fox News Twitter account, saying the group was formed to take part in the anti-security industry movement "antisec."

As to why the group chose Fox News:

"We are looking to find information about corporations to assist with antisec," said the Script Kiddies representative. "Fox News was selected because we figured their security would be just as much of a joke as their reporting,"

Ooops! Guess they shouldn't have used 'NOBAMA DIE' as their password. Gosh, didn't Sarah Palin teach them anything???

Naturally, Fox News did everything it could to stop this vicious rumor from further spreading, except of course take down the Tweets in question, either because they don't know how, or it's just nice to dream sometimes, and vowed to investigate the incident.

“Hackers sent out several malicious and false Tweets claiming that President Obama had been assassinated. Those reports are incorrect, of course, and the president is spending the July 4 holiday with his family. The hacking is being investigated, and FoxNews.com regrets any distress the false Tweets may have created.”

Yes, Fox regrets any distress caused by the President continuing to be alive. Apologies to everybody. What they do not regret however is the resulting gazillion clicks on their website, likely from the ~~grief-stricken~~ joyous Fox News viewers desperately seeking that elusive certificate of live ~~birth~~ death.

Ya know, for certitude.

Tea Party Leader Takes Pro-Bullying Stance Towards Gay Teens Because He Loves Freedom...The Freedom To Hate Anyone Not Straight, White, & Deeply In Denial

2011-07-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

In these contentious times, there are only so many uncontroversial statements a person can make that pretty much everyone can agree with, like say, "cancer is a terrible disease" or "kicking defenseless puppies in the face is wrong" or "the abuse of children is a terrible thing."

Umm, wait, except that last one, if you're evil, bigoted homophobe (aka secret closet case) Tea Party Nation leader Rich Swier who names his terrible, hate-filled group after a hot, soothing, wildly popular beverage traditionally enjoyed in small, dainty cups by dapper gentleman in foreign places like Socialist Europe (gasp!).

Because, if so, then the relentless, cruel bullying and teasing teenagers inflict and endure, also known as "peer pressure" is a wonderful thing, the kind of thing that helps keeps kids in line, specifically from acting all gross and gay-like.

Sure, "peer pressure" might be responsible for your teenage boy or girl abusing drugs and alcohol, smoking cigarettes, getting drunk and/or pregnant in the backseat of Papa's pickup, graffiting the highway, egging the neighbor's house, planking off the edge of a creaky, unstable bridge 100 ft up, or making the same wardrobe choices as the homeless man hanging out at the local liquor store.

But, on the bright side, "peer pressure" is also responsible for your sissy kid getting his ass kicked by the entire football team every day at school, which at the very least, should make him think twice about feeling so comfortable in his own awful gay skin.

Just look at what Tea Party Nation and STRAIGHT-~~AS-AN-ARROW~~ AS-A-MAN-OBSESSED-WITH-GAY-SEX Rich Swier sent to Tea Party Nation members, via RightWingWatch:

This is not bullying. It is peer pressure and is healthy. There are many bad behaviors such as smoking, under age drinking and drug abuse that are behaviors that cannot be condoned. Homosexuality falls into this category. Homosexuality is simply bad behavior that youth see as such and rightly pressure their peers to stop it. In Sarasota County over 70% of all HIV/AIDS cases are due to male sex with males.
I agree with Gulf Coast Gives that “LGBT youth are up to five times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight counterparts.” Homosexuality, like drugs, harms young people if they experement [sic] with it. That is the greatest tragedy.

Almost as tragic as when (3, 2, 1, now?) this same vile, hate-spewing, teenage sexuality-obsessed grown man gets ~~peer pressured~~ caught hiring his own secret luggage handling rent-boy or with his pants around his ankles in a signature wide stance soliciting (gay) sex from undercover policemen in airport men's rooms.

Oh wait, he's a Teabagger, right? Did I say tragic? I meant typical.

Besides, speaking of tragedies, your child coming out as gay isn't so bad. Sure as hell beats coming out as a Teabagger.

Talk about tragic!

New York Says I Do To Gay Marriage, While Republicans Say I Don't To Any & All Rational Thought

2011-06-29T00:00:00.000-05:00

OMG, people, GAY is now officially legal in New York!

They're here, they're queer, and they're coming to a gift registry near you!

Now that New York has reclaimed the mantle of progress and equality from it's once-hip, now tragically Mormon, Prop 8 populated friend, California, and become the sixth state to give those pesky gays the right to get married and become as miserable and lame as their heterosexual counterparts, what does this mean for the rest of us?

Should we be happy that freedom, liberty, equal protection under the law, and all the good stuff we looooove saying about America is finally, at least sort of true, instead of just some empty, meaningless, RAH RAH slogan that makes us feel good about ourselves?

Or is it really true what the Republicans have said during culture wars past?

That the biggest threat to America are nice gay and lesbian couples who already live together and share a bank account who would also like to be able to visit each other in the hospital and file joint tax returns and enjoy all the rest of the 1,400 plus rights and privileges afforded to normal, decent opposite sex married couples by destroying the sacred union of one Brittney Spears + one backup dancer + one Elvis impersonator in holy matrimony at the 24-hour Chapel 'O Love on the Vegas strip.

Not to mention all the other terrible things that are going to happen, thanks to "gay marriage," like all of New York's impressionable young children turning gay (wait, or is it artsy?) and everyone getting gay divorced, like the rest of the sacred, morally pure, Jesus approved, blessed unions with the proper penis-to-vagina ratios.

Amiright? Who's with me? Where my Republicans at?

Oh, looky here, it's America's #1 marriage sanctity expert, thrice-divorced white-haired wonder Newt Gingrich, giving his righteous opinion on proper marriage etiquette like the right way to leave your cancer-stricken wife for a much younger, much hotter, trophy wife you can parade around, not tend to while they lay dying in a hospital bed. Boring!

But, seriously, couldn't they just leave well enough alone?

“In our state, we’re going to continue to pursue civil unions,” first-term Republican New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said. “I am not a fan of same-sex marriage. It’s not something that I support.”

“I believe marriage should be between one man and one woman. I wouldn’t sign a bill like the one that was in New York.”

Unless, he added, it was thick sliced, piled high on warm, fresh baked artisan bread, smothered in cheese, slathered in mayonnaise, preferably chipotle spiced, and wrapped in hearty, thick-cut bacon, like the good Lord intended

Then maybe we could make an exception.

Besides, if all gross gays were allowed to get gross gay married wherever they so pleased, who knows what would happen next?

Michele Bachmann might never have been born because her mommy and daddy were too busy getting their same-sex on with the maid and gardener, respectively.

And then she would never have been popping babies out like a human pez dispenser, and adopting foster children the way you and I buy bulk paper towels at Costco.

Then maybe she could remember all the different voices in her head, so the next time she is asked about the gays getting married, she'll remember the correct answer is not that states can legalize gay marriage if they want to. Bad Michele Voice #2, Bad! But rather that America needs one of those federal constitutional amendments to stop the gays from gaying all over the place or trying to eat Michele with innocent questions in restrooms, or whatever it is they do.

But nooooooooo. Thanks to the pesky gays getting all gay marriagey, Michele Bachmann is forced to kick off her presidential campaign in Waterloo, Iowa, because of its geographic significance or just because she's an idiot.

"Well what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That's the kind of spirit that I have, too."

Unfortunately that spirit is less the "beloved movie star" John Wayne and more the "killer homosexual clown who raped and murdered 33 teenage boys in the 1970s," John Wayne Gacy.

Ah yes, fuck gay rights! The holy matrimony of infidelity, gluttony, and batshit insanity is a beautiful thing.

Unlike stupid, gross equality. That's just gay.

The Wheels On The Bus Go Round & Round, Except In Sarah Palin's Case When They Get Dizzy & Quit

2011-06-25T00:00:00.000-05:00

While the world was busy pouring over silly, trivial summer news stories like illegal wars in Libya, the Grand Old Party's Grand Old War on poor people, and esteemed members of Congress tweeting fuzzy pics of their own esteemed members, the rest of us were breathlessly waiting for real, important news stories about Sarah Palin getting back on her ridiculous Constitution-covered bus and driving through more states on some ~~dumb RV road trip~~, ~~grifter tour through the Lower 48~~, faux presidential campaign extravaganza.

Until, like so many of our fellow patriots with bills to pay but no job by which to pay them, our hopes and dreams were abruptly shattered in one fell swoop: Sarah Palin's wild bus ride adventures talking to old white people is no more!

Oh, the humanity!

Like every other task she starts, minus birthing precious li'l miracles of God, former half-term governor and full-time grifter Sarah Palin decided to up and quit halfway through her bus ride for freedom, too.

WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY SEEN THIS COMING??

Ummm, anyone with a brain probably.

RealClearPolitics reports:

Though Palin and her staff never announced a timeline for the remaining legs of her trip, aides had drafted preliminary itineraries that would have taken her through the Midwest and Southeast at some point this month. But those travel blueprints are now in limbo, RCP has learned, as Palin and her family have reverted to the friendly confines of summertime Alaska, where the skies are currently alight for over 19 hours a day and the Bristol Bay salmon fishing season is nearing its peak.

As Palin enjoys her sojourn to the 49th state, she has not reconnected with key early-state figures like Iowa Gov. Terry Branstad and South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley, and she may have jeopardized whatever political momentum she gained from her recent reemergence in the 2012 discussion. Her political action committee's website still greets visitors with a stale banner, announcing the nationwide bus tour beginning "[t]his Sunday, May 29th."

More than a few of Palin's core supporters have grown impatient and confused about her strategy, venting their frustration on Internet fan sites.

Wait, what? "Palin's core supporters have grown impatient and confused?" Hahaha, that doesn't even make sense! Everyone knows they've never grown anything except maybe their waistlines, and have always been, currently are, and will forever be confused. It's pretty much a requirement.

As you'd expect America's most distinguished quitter Sarah Louis Palin is, of course, furious that the awful lamestream media simply assumed she quit her bus tour (because it's pretty much what she always does) and took to her favoritest Facebook to speak her mind.

"Imagine our surprise when reading media reports today that the “One Nation Tour” has been cancelled. Why didn’t anyone tell me? Oh, wait, that’s because it hasn’t been cancelled. (Good ol' media... you never cease to amaze!)"

Seriously, when will you media people learn that stopping her "Half Nation" bus tour and returning to Alaska does not mean "quitting." It means, snowbilly grifters get tired and stressed and need to take a vacation from their vacations sometimes.
Besides, if you nosy bastards must know, Palin was called home for "jury duty," which is Alaskan for salmon fishing and getting laid.

"As I said myself at the end of the east coast leg of the tour, the summer is long, and I’m looking forward to hitting the open road again. The coming weeks are tight because civic duty calls (like most everyone else, even former governors get called up for jury duty) and I look forward to doing my part just like every other Alaskan."

"I wouldn’t think it to be such a slow news day that, what with numerous wars and serious economic woes concerning Americans, a bus is driving news stories today. The next leg of the tour continues when the time comes. In the meantime, no one should jump to conclusions – certainly not the media with their long track record of getting things wrong or just making things up."

That's Sarah's job!

Wait, don't call it a job. If she knew being a talentless, scheming ne'er-do-well who steals attention from hard-working, struggling Americans was in itself a full-time job, she'd just quit that too.