Weird, creepy former Michgian Assistant Attorney General and not-at-all-suspicious self-appointed Sheriff of Sodomite Student Assembly Presidents, Andrew Shirvell, has finally been fired by ironically named Republican state Attorney General Mike Cox (ooooh, sounds sexy!) for ummm, pretty much being a weird, creepy closet case who spends his days obsessing over the sexytime exploits of an 18-year-old University of Michigan freshman student body president on his personal blog, Chris Armstrong Watch, because (duh!) God hates all homos, particularly underage, popularly-elected collegiate ones who feel comfortable in their own, terrible gay skin.
Hooray! The homosexual agenda lives!
But what the dickens changed Attorney General Mike Cox's mind that Shirvell's "extracurricular" activities 'round-the-clock harassing some college kid for both being a terrible gay and in the student government was less your everyday, ho hum exercising of First Amendment rights, and more the pathetic, borderline deranged rantings of a self-loathing nutjob, more than likely grappling with his own deeply repressed, deviant same-sex demons?
“To be clear, I refuse to fire anyone for exercising their First Amendment rights, regardless of how popular or unpopular their positions might be," Cox said. "However, Shirvell repeatedly violated office policies, engaged in borderline stalking behavior, and inappropriately used state resources, our investigation showed.”
Oh yeah, like what?
• Showed up at the home of a private citizen three times, including once at 1:30 a.m. That incident is especially telling because it clearly was about harassing Armstrong, not engaging in free speech. (Since when is showing up at a stranger's house in the middle of the night to stage a one-man protest against some college kid's sinful, eternally hellfire damned sexuality not healthy & harmless free speech?).
• Further engaged in behavior that, while not perhaps sufficient to charge criminal stalking, was harassing, uninvited and showed a pattern that was in the everyday sense, stalking. (Eh, probably sufficiently criminal).
• Harassing Armstrong's friends as they were socializing in Ann Arbor. (For a good time...call Andrew?)
• Numerous calls to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's office, Armstrong's employer, in an attempt to slander Armstrong — and ultimately attempting to cause Pelosi to fire Armstrong. (Yeah! Good plan! That’s probably something the House Speaker gives an actual shit about!).
• Attempting to "out" Armstrong's friends as homosexual — several of whom were not gay. (Hopefully, not in the Shirvell "not gay" kinda way!).
Ugh, sounds like a bunch of elitist liberal lies to me!
Cox also said Shirvell engaged in his campaign against Armstrong on company time and posted attacks on the college freshman on the Internet while at work.
“Finally, Shirvell lied to investigating assistant attorneys general on several occasions during his disciplinary hearing.”
By claiming to be sane and straight?
Okay, okay so maybe he lied a little. But, c'mon, Chris was Satan’s representative on the assembly AND A GAY NAZI for crying out loud!! Scout's honor!
I mean, the kid ALWAYS has an angry Nazi face and uniform (not to mention scary gay Nazi rainbow on his cheek) whenever Mr. Shirvell sits down to fantasize about him, naked and alone, for hours upon steamy hours in front of his computer every night. Doesn't that count for anything?
Armstrong’s attorney, Deborah Gordon, issued a statement in which she said the AG’s office made the correct decision. Gordon and Armstrong have filed complaints with the Michigan Grievance Commission, asking it to investigate Shirvell and possibly disbar him.
“The next step must be a complete retraction of all the malicious lies and fabrications by Mr. Shirvell, and a public apology to Chris Armstrong, his family and the others Mr. Shirvell has slandered.”
Okay fine, but only if Andrew gets to give him a big hug and hold him close in his arms for at least five minutes.
Gordon went on to say it’s time for Shirvell to realize there are consequences to his “reckless, outrageous statements and actions and that he is solely responsible for those consequences.”
Like say his new livelihood: Andrew Shirvell, P.I., Gay-Nazi Undergrad Investigation Unit, University of Michigan, Ann Arbor.
If that doesn't work, there's always Michigan State. Something tells me ol' Andrew will find stalking Spartans even more rewarding than stalking Wolverines. Call it a hunch. They're fit, strong, sexy, look hot as hell in spandex, and they don't come with all that unsightly hair. Rumor has it they even exercise in the buff, too!
Plus, I hear they're even in the hunt for a new men's wrestling coach!
Which sure beats his other option as the 100% Heterosexual Minneapolis Airport men's room concierge, personal bathroom stall attendant, and knob polisher extraordinaire, now that Larry Craig has officially retired from duty.
But be forewarned, those sure are some wide (stance) shoes to fill!
