Too Bad For Christine O'Donnell (But Good For The Rest Of Us!) The Wicked Witch Of Delaware Couldn't Cast A Spell Making Her Own Dumb, Idiot Self Disappear

Christine O'Donnell is not a witch (maybe). She's you! If you too happen to be an unstable, crazy D-list airhead who, instead of masturbating like some deviant whore, spends your ample spare time blurting out as many outrageously dumb, offensive things to piss off as many A, B & C-list celebrities as is humanly wiccanly possible on nationally televised shows like Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher that don't go poof! when you wiggle your nose

I mean seriously, who among us hasn't spent most of the 90s enraging Ben Affleck and/or Danny Bonaduce with a hairdo so hideous the only solution for distracting a person from having to look at this eyesore mop is the continuous stream of asinine bullshit coming out of their equally dumb, hideous mouth??

Exactly!

I, for one, cannot even count on both hands, the number of times I've gotten into screaming matches with Jimmy Kimmel, Sisqó or made Al Franken so vein-poppin' mad that they came thisclose to physically slapping the dumb smirk right off my stupid face!

In fact, I don't even think a person has truly lived until the very sight of their face is enough to invoke automatic gag reflexes in anyone within a 30-foot radius. Fortunately, Christine understands this. So well in fact that she's basically mastered the art of repelling every other carbon-based, oxygen breathing specimen without even so much as casting a single spell from her handy pocket-sized Wiccan handbook of incantations, given to her as a gift from Delaware's high witch of the underworld.

All Christine has to do is open that sweet mouth of hers, part those two perfectly shaded lips (like Moses!) and let the organic human repellent known as her retarded beliefs or whatever demented words that tiny little brain thinks of now, do the rest. Almost like magic!

Some of Miss O'Donnell's highlights lowlights:

• "She says that every time on this show, that condoms wouldn't protect you," says Maher. "Well no one else is saying it," says O'Donnell. "That's because no one else is nuts like you," says Maher. Point, Maher.
• "I'm going nuts with you people," an exasperated future-Senator Al Franken proclaims. And this coming from a man who isn't afraid to don a diaper and bunny ears in the name of comedy!
• "When men go into these strip joints, and testosterone is pouring out the eyeballs, what do you think they're gonna do?" asks O'Donnell. Oh, so that's where babies come from?? Silly me, I always thought it was the magic Jesus stork!
• "You have to tell me about the ex-homosexuals," author Clive Barker asked O'Donnell.
• "If she says Jews for Jesus, I'm gonna hit her," says magician Penn Jillet. Ooooh, please say Jews for Jesus, please say Jews for Jesus!
• "I'm begging you stop for one second," says Affleck. "Ten more seconds to make my point," O'Donnell says. "I'm begging you, I just want to ask you one question," Affleck says. "Yeah, get on your knees," says O'Donnell. "She says she didn't like sex, but..." says Affleck, who then had to restrain himself from smacking the witch, oops, make that the bitch, straight across the face. Here's the thing Christine, you can't both be against sex, while at the same eye-fucking every good-looking guy thisclose to spitting on your dumb face, courtesy of your idiot antics.
• "You would look amazing in a black bathing suit," comedian Steven Wright tells O'Donnell. Even better in a black cloak, pointy black hat, black f*ck-me boots, & of course, the obligatory pentagram necklace and/or vial of virgin blood.
• "Are you for anything fun?" asks Bonaduce. "Yes, I am for having fun!" says O'Donnell.

Oh hahahaha! Of course, Christine is all for having fun! But not the fun your sick, twisted, impure, non-witchcraft dabbling self is used to having, like say the kind that involves friends, alcohol, evil coitus, and any type of sinful private-part rubbing.

Or, for that matter, any other immoral, non-O'Donnell sanctioned activity that doesn't involve a bubbling black cauldron, a dozen live newts (or just one of the horrible Gingrich variety!), and/or a whole coven of anti-masturbation misfits who know the path to enlightenment is paved with sexual suppression, Jesus Christ, one part bat whiskers, two parts mummified toenails, a cup of black cat fat, two teaspoons of vampire blood, a pinch of gargoyle sweat, a handful of troll teeth, three cups broom sweepings, and a dash of Lizard gizzards.

Bleeding (liberal) heart, optional.

C'mon, Does This Look Like The Face Of A Crazy Witch To You?

Attack Of The 50 Ft. Woman: Ann Coulter Vs. Bill Maher In Chicago Smackdown!

Stop Pretending You're Not A Crazy B*tch!

For anyone willing to fork over between $35 and $200 to watch an anorexic blonde who's hot in a psychotic alien sort of way spar with a "liberal" comedian who hates Jesus freaks almost as much as dumb, crazy bimbos named Ann, Wednesday night's Coulter/Maher showdown at the Chicago Theater offered an hour and 45 minutes of entertaining fun.

First, it was Miss Coulter's turn. There, the long-legged spokeswoman for crazy Christians everywhere alternately amused and horrified the audience with her insanely spindly limbs and equally insane thoughts.

Like why all liberals are idiots, George W. Bush was one of the best presidents ever, and the idea that a coke-head Muslim terrorist like Barack Hussein Obama would even be mentioned in the same breath as Jesus Christ and Abraham Lincoln is more preposterous than the thought of elitist heathens like you and me paying good money to hear Stretch Armstrong's twin sister from hell rant about how America needs less laws and more guns, especially in church and school.

Next, Bill Maher strolled onstage to give his 15 minute riff on life, politics, and why a freak like Ann gets turned on every time she is booed, jeered, or heckled.

He also corrected a few of Ann's "facts" about Obama's drug use and the economy, preferring to base his opinions in reality, not right-wing nutjob land.

“To start off, George Bush did a lot more blow than Obama ever did. Please don’t ruin the only thing I like about him.”

“There is this debt because George Bush put two wars on a credit card and spent money like a pimp with a week to live.”

Then basically the two of them went back and forth with Maher saying something funny and Coulter saying something crazy on everything from Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin to the war in Iraq, gay marriage, Ronny Reagan, whether Bristol Palin is a whore, and why Ann Coulter will be saved by Jesus Christ while the rest of us piles of liberal sin go straight to hell.

After about an hour of heated exchanges and Ann awkwardly eye-f**king Bill, the two speakers realized they would never agree on anything except making money off of large groups of suckers willing to pay to see a giraffe-necked beanpole of hate say crazy things to a short, funny, pot-loving liberal pussy she's supposed to hate but whose clothes she secretly wants to rip off and ravish backstage.

She'll just shut her eyes and pretend it's Dick Cheney. Umm, hottttt!