Mirror, Mirror On The Wall, Who's The Biggest Beltway Whore Of All?

With the Grand Old Party of family values and straight, missionary-style sex only, feelin' the burning red heat over the latest Republican donor scandal involving the usual multi-thousand dollar spending sprees at various, upscale bondage-themed Lezzy clubs, the real question on everyone's mind is which of our esteemed two political parties (of honor, integrity, and raging hormones) really has the harder time keeping their hoohas and weewees in their respective, freshly pressed skirts and/or pleated trousers?

So many sex scandals sullying so many districts in so little time makes the showdown for sexual supremacy a challenging one! But once the pants are zipped, shirts buttoned, romp-tousled hair combed slick, and numbers all tallied, where do our honorable elected officials stack up? And which side of the congressional aisle comes out as the dominant top, and which the submissive bottom, who goes home alone and unfulfilled to nothing but pot roast and the nagging wifey of 25-plus years?

Strap on your safety belts, ladies and gentleman, it's gonna be a wild ride through the last two dripping wet decades of unbridled lust, unchecked libidos, repressed sexuality, deep denial, spurned spouses, secret baby daddys, sordid same-sex solicitations, torrid trysts, rough 'n tumble role-playing rendezvous, boring, by-the-book harassment, and enough middle-of-the-night monkey business to keep any red-blooded American locked, loaded, and ready to rock.

And what better way to beat the winter blues and usher in bountiful spring than fresh off the heels of March Madness in the form of Salt Lake City skinny dips featuring Utah State Senate Republican majority leader Kevin Garn, underage 15-year-old gal, a hot tub and $150,000 in hush money, Salty Sailor and Big Apple Democrat "Tickle Me Eric" Massa's hands-on approach to young male staffers, and of course California State Senator and conservative, vehemently anti-gay crusader Roy Ashburn doing some drunken cruising of his own at just about every Southern California bar sporting a neon rainbow sign flashing on its marquee.

So, after examining the 58 scandals (that's it?) over the past 20 years involving all politicians or major candidates for city mayor or above--involving crimes, allegations, or just the usual tabloid fodder we Americans love so much--what overarching conclusions (if any) can be reached, aside from the obvious hearty libidos of our nation's lawmakers and leaders?

• The number of sex scandals has increased dramatically over the past few decades, thanks to technology, new press standards and a post-Clinton belief that everything is fair game.
  (Including soiled dresses and all the fun things you can do with a cigar!)

• Based on the methodology used, Republicans have more scandals (32 to 26), but Democrats have bigger ones (13 out of the top 20). That's not the only place!
  

• Since the Democrats are obviously the party of Satan and brimstone, their foibles tend to be more your garden variety harassment and banging o' the mistress on the sly, while the party of Jesus Christ and moral superiority, the GOP, tends to suppress these unGodly tendencies by secretly trolling for young boys after Sunday mass when the pickin's good.
  

According to the study courtesy of Daily Beast, the 58 scandals were ranked using a methodology that includes whether a crime was committed, versus inappropriate behavior (tickle,tickle!); whether the charges were proven, versus alleged; the level of office held; and whether the incident involved children, staff, a cover-up or hypocrisy. The full breakdown of all the pillars of the elected community lucky enough to make the cut can be seen in this stunning, color slideshow of the Donkey & Elephant Sexual Hall of Shame.

Prostitution

Ah yes, this beautiful category of pay-as-you-go fulfillment combines both those who solicited a prostitute, but for whatever reason did not accept—think "Wide Stance" Larry Craig in the airport men's room—and those who dove in head first before getting caught hook, line, and sinker—think Louisiana Sen. David Vitter's own lovely lapse into the seedy (but satisfying!) world of the DC Madam. By a count of 6 to 1, the Grand Old Prostitute-lovin' Party can claim a much needed, lopsided victory over rival Dems. This ain't your grandmother's Elephant, no more!

Winner: Solidly Republican (6-1)

Staffers

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and if you're a Democrat (especially by the name of Eric Massa), keep 'em piled high, in a constant stream, and as close as is humanly possible, preferably, while unable to breathe thanks to the infamous fast-flying fingers of New York's own sodium-saturated, sassy snorkeler. Democrats win this one, fingers, err, hands down, by a count of 16 to 5. Who said Donkeys didn't know how to have fun?

Winner: Solidly Democrat (16-5)

Hypocrisy

Saying one thing while doing the exact opposite rears its ugly head in almost half the sex scandals surveyed. But only one party can claim this noble act as its bread and butter, its joie de vivre, the trademark quality by which to distinguish it from the rest, everybody's favorite Party of No (but secretly yes), the one, the only, off-the-hook, hip-hop party of youth (or just old people), the fabulous Republican Party. Think pro-choice GOP (apparently, they do exist), womens' rights warrior, and 10-time sexual harassment superstar Sen. Robert Packwood (and he means it!) or any one of the number of good, old fashioned GOPers whose primetime pantsdown meltdown is followed by the statement, "I am not, nor have I ever been gay." This is usually a big red flag, or as the case may be, a decidedly rainbow one.

Winner: Solidly Republican (16-9)

Sexual Harassment

When it comes to threats, emails, text messages, and all other preferred modes of sexually harassing the sweet li'l power suit sportin' muffins lookin' so irresistible working 'round the office, the distinguished gentleman on the left side of the aisle take the cake (and the icing!) on this one. It's practically a Democratic tradition! Yay??

Winner: Solidly Democrat (8-2)

Inappropriate Conduct with a Minor

Everyone makes mistakes. When you're a House Republican from Florida, these usually come in the form of sexually suggestive instant messages to underage teenage boys working as congressional pages. Like Republican Congressman Mark Foley, who in 2006, honored his oath of elected office by soliciting sex (and not just any sex, but terrible gay sex) from young, smooth chaps with tanned legs and the misfortune of working for the one Republican Representative, who if all goes well, will be the one doing the "working over" in no time at all. Brings new meaning to the phrase resume booster.

Winner: Leans Republican (2 to 1)

Out-of-Wedlock Child

Not even the valiant efforts of fallen Southern gentleman Johnny Edwards, his sweet love bunny Rielle and the new li'l fruit of their loins, Quinn, could help the Dems out-screw their Republican rivals when it comes to surprise buns in-the-other-woman's oven. Get 'em next time, Johnny!?

Winner: Leans Republicans (2 to 1)

Cover-up

One of the more exciting developments in many a sordid sex tale is all the behind-the-scenes wrangling that goes into covering up these "youthful indiscretions," traditionally in the form of hush money to keep the missus quiet, extorting favors, jobs, and assorted other goodies from the unfortunate philanderer-in-question, and any other perks you can squeeze from the dumb schmuck in his post-coitus panic. Think Nevada's own Republican Sen. John Ensign, whose own moral superiority over that 'nasty, nasty boy' Bill Clinton, comes with a cool $96,000 upfront to keep it that way.

Winner: Republicans (5-2)

So, what does all this middle-aged sex (not to be confused with love) mean for the average American citizen like you and me?

Like harassment, interns, little girls?? Vote Democrat!

Prostitutes, hypocrisy, and under aged boys more your thing?? Vote Republican!

Either way, you're still doing waaaaay better than the Catholic Church!

Oooh, Chairman, Don't Be Modest!

Be All That You Can Be When Forced To Be Someone You're Not

So what can we infer from this latest poll of braindead America other than the collective IQ of our fellow countrymen hovers somewhere between Forrest Gump and Joey Tribbiani? And that's being generous!

Well things are certainly much clearer now that we know America is all for letting plain ol' gays and lesbians serve in the military, as long as the dreaded homosexuals understand being 'all you can be' doesn't extend to their kind.

Heavens no!

Sure, a gay there, a lesbo there, everyone's happy and all is well in the world. No harm, no foul etc, etc. But throw a homo into the camouflaged mix and who knows what crazy rainbow-tinged mayhem might ensue?

The last thing America's armed servicemen and women need is an environment where those who are different are accepted, not bound, gagged and beaten to smithereens in a corner for being that one fag whose partner shares the same reproductive parts they do. Sickos!

Before you know it, you've got soldiers being honest, even tolerating (gasp!) the very same people entrusted with their lives.

So, after years of ignoring Don't Ask, Don't Tell until suddenly realizing there's no one left to translate Arabic, the military, at the behest of Barack Obama, has finally decided to repeal the sensible, decades-long policy that ranks rapists, drug addicts, and violent offenders well ahead of the dreaded sickness of fashion sense and fabulousness.

Which probably explains why, much like Barry, even the regular folk have suddenly taken a liking to those shiny happy people who were put on this planet solely for the constant amusement, and of course judgment, by their fellow citizens of humanity. And it only took 17 years!

In fact, a whopping 70% of Americans now say they support "gay men and lesbians" serving in the military, while just 59% feel the same way about the miserable "homosexuals."

Which can likely only be explained by people seeing the words lesbians and thinking "Whoa, hot girl on girl action?? Sweet, sign me up!"

Naturally, homosexuals fare worse than gays and lesbians in any scenario, but it's also the whole "openly" idea that makes people nervous. In the case of to closet or not to closet, just 44% favor allowing "homosexuals" to leave the dank, damp storage room that is their lives to serve openly in the military, while 58% favor allowing "gay men and lesbians" to loudly and proudly sacrifice their lives for country.

The last thing we need are a bunch of Ellens and Eltons bursting out of Army closets across the land, wearing their gay and lesbianess on their sleeves for all the world to see. What are we European or something? Ugh.

Why can't they just be ashamed of their sexuality like a normal person and go to any and all lengths to keep their dirty little secret to themselves?

What we need are more heterosexual heroes who aren't afraid to call out homosinuality as a pox on Earth, a blight upon humanity, an act as depraved and immoral as Judas himself.

Decent, god-fearing people like Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Charlie Crist, and Ted Haggard, who at least have the common courtesy to pretend they're straight, when not secretly cruising airport men's rooms, the ripe, supple Senate page program, highway rest stops, abandoned church parking lots, rat-infested warehouses, dark, garbage-strewn alleys, drug-fueled street corners, and the seedy prostitution ring behind the old, deserted Christian community center and bible studies class.

It's called tact.

Congressman, Sex Scandals, And Florida, Oh My!

Rep. Tim Mahoney And The Woman/Thing He Was Banging

Sex scandals do not discriminate. That's right. As long as you happen to be a politician from the state of Florida, you are fair game. I don't know what it is, either. Maybe it's the hot, steamy weather, round juicy oranges, or disproportionate number of old people that revs up one's sexual appetite.

Whatever the culprit, one thing is for certain: If you are a politician representing the Sunshine State, chances are your overactive libido will eventually be your downfall.

For the second consecutive election year, West Palm Beach--the sex-scandal capital of America--titillates the good citizens of this country with a sordid story of a fallen congressman.

First, it was Republican Congressman Mark Foley, who in 2006, honored his oath of elected office by soliciting sex (and not just any sex, but gay sex) from teenage boys working as congressional pages.

After Foley's disgraceful exit and subsequent coming out of the closet, the congressional seat was basically open for the taking to anyone with a pulse and the ability to control their homosexual/pedophile urges.

Enter Florida Democrat Tim Mahoney, whose only real challenge after the Foley debacle, was to basically keep it in his pants. But alas, that proved to be too much to ask of the man.

The same man who waltzed into office using campaign ads featuring a picture of him with his wife, Terry, and the line, "Restoring America's Values Begins at Home."

A promise he kept by giving a campaign job and $121,000 in hush money to the mistress he was so honorably banging while working hard to bring dignity and morality back to the sex-ravaged district.