Much Like The Dodo Bird & The GOP, Don't Ask Don't Tell May Soon Be Relegated To Museums' Extinct Relics Collections

OMG! Did you hear the amazing, Earth-shattering news? Barack Obama has finally given the ol' presidential stamp of approval on a compromise to repeal the Pentagon's wonderful "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy, which effectively bars gross gay people from risking their pathetic, sinful lives and serve in the United States military, like the rest of us normal, straight people not condemned to eternal hellfire.

For those of you who don't listen to Barbara Streisand while wearing camouflaged fatigues, "Don't Ask Don't Tell" is the horrible result of President Clinton's attempt to lift the ban on terrible gays and lesbians serving (openly) in the military, way back in 1993 when doing anything to help the dreaded homosexuals be treated like actual American citizens, likely meant the abrupt end of one's promising political career, even more than any secret Oval Office blowjobs ever could.

The whole premise of DADT is you "don't ask" if someone is a gay (like say your flaming bunk mate who prances around the barracks in high heels and a feather boa), and if you are a gay, you "don't tell" anyone your disgusting secret. This means, if you are really good at being all sketchy and secretive about who you are, and love using general, generic pronouns when describing the person with whom you share your life, you are legally allowed to get blown up by an improvised explosive device on the side of a road in Iraq or Afghanistan, in order to defend the very freedom you, yourself do not have the privilege of enjoying. So ummm, sorry about that?

Judging from this summary alone, it is of course very difficult to see how such a flawed policy could lead to rampant discrimination, marginalization, and severe psychological distress (and this is all before facing actual combat!). So naturally, Republicans are just in loooooove with this policy!

Fortunately, Republicans are now basically irrelevant, and Democrats haven't completely sold out their rainbow-colored compatriots, which means there's still a shimmering pink glimmer of hope!

Now that a good 17 years have gone by, and America has moved, kicking and screaming, into the 21st century, most Democrats believe that gays and lesbians should leave the collective closet and finally Be All They Can Be without being forced To Be Someone They're Not.

Even hardened, old military brass like Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Adm. Mike Mullen and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates think Don't Ask Don't Tell is a terribly outdated legislative dinosaur that should definitely probably be appealed. The question now being when exactly is the best time to let the queer cat out the brown and green camouflaged bag?

You may recall back in February when Staff Adm. Mike Mullen testified before Congress, saying, "I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy which forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens."

But turns out, even more troubling to these manly military men is how to plan the perfect coming out party for these loud 'n proud men and women soon-to-be sashaying, shimmying and shaking their frisky selves out of boot camp barracks and Army storage closets around the country.

And by big, bad coming out party, we of course mean waiting almost a whole year so military officials can complete their very important study to make sure letting GI Joe or Jane be their fabulous selves won't destroy the delicate morale of the troops, whose cohesion may just be hanging by a single, sexually straight thread.

Because everyone knows you don't want to just hastily rush in and uproot an embarrassing blight on equality and justice in one fell swoop. There needs to be order, discipline, and a slow, steady pace when righting an almost two-decades long wrong. It's the American way!

After all, the 1948 order for racial integration in the military took a whole 5 years to implement, and that was just plain ol' black people, which is waaaaaay less terrifying than a real, live homo in combat boots.

So, what we get is a nice ol' compromise: The Obama administration has given its blessing in the form of an amendment to the defense spending measure, which goes through Congress this week, that would repeal the policy. In exchange, the DADT repeal won't go into effect until Secretary Gates and Adm. Mullen complete their study to ensure giving gays the right to die for their country, won't result in sudden apocalyptic doom and the end of civilization as we know it.

Since the study is due to Congress by Dec. 1, rest assured that flamboyant, fashionably dressed, sexually deviant men and women won't officially start helping their fellow countrymen kill Taliban or capture bin Laden until sometime next year, at the earliest. Phew!

Not surprisingly, for their part, the Grand Old Party of racist old people and closeted white men secretly trolling for hot man-tail in airport mens rooms, has vowed to defend the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy—one which they originally opposed (oooh, does that count as progress??), and that scores of current and retired generals and admirals have said is outdated, ineffective, and compromises national security.

Those Republicans, always on the side of justice!
 
Like ancient fossil/living legend John McCain, who can't remember exactly what he thinks of the policy, but after a quick game of "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe" has decided that while the legislation is "imperfect but effective," "we should not be seeking to overturn."

Just like Gramps himself, as well as a certain one-time maverick's Arizona senate seat?

Or Indiana Republican House member Rep. Mike Pence, who knows, "The American people don't want the American military to be used to advance a liberal political agenda. And House Republicans will stand on that principle."

And yes, they do consider wanton discrimination against a single minority as principle.

Even if that principle happens to be thousands of dishonorably discharged, capable young men and women with valuable Arabic speaking and translating skills getting used to the feeling of a whole herd of dumb fat elephants trampling around on top of them until they can find a new, terrible group to discriminate against for political gain.

Too bad they already sent all the Mexicans back to Mexicanland or Mexicopolis or wherever it is those pesky browns come from.

Meanwhile, Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman (I-Conn.) and Rep. Patrick J. Murphy (D-Pa.), the lead sponsors
for repealing the legislation, vowed to pursue their goal quickly.

"It is our firm belief that it is time to repeal this discriminatory policy that not only dishonors those who are willing to give their lives in service to their country but also prevents capable men and women with vital skills from serving in the armed forces."

Ooooh, discriminatory policy that dishonors Americans while also preventing capable men and women from serving the country that they love!?

Sounds like the GOP just found themselves the perfect, new recruitment motto they've been searching for!

And to think, they didn't even have to go to lesbian S&M bondage clubs to find 'em!

Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Just Close Your Eyes and Pray They Go Away!

OMG, did you hear the news?? After nearly two decades of keeping them pesky gays in the closet (where they belong) with the brilliant "don't ask, don't tell" policy, the Defense Department will finally begin the process of repealing the military's 20-year ban on feathered boas, leather pants, freshly pressed clothes, good fashion sense, and any other brazenly obvious displays of sexuality that can in any way be construed as even slightly homosexual.

Of course, as with any issue as bone-chillingly frightening as granting gays and lesbians the right to die for their country while also being "all they can be" as a loud 'n proud member of the United States Army, the process is expected to take several years.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates and chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Mike Mullen, announced they will present an "implementation plan" to U.S. lawmakers next Tuesday, carefully drafting the best strategy for repealing the ban without hurting the delicate "morale or readiness" of the troops, whose cohesion may be hanging by a single sexually straight thread.

You see, Robert Gates has long voiced his concerns over lifting the ban too hastily, which has been proudly discriminating against gays and lesbians, since the early 1990s. Yay!

Now you don't want to just rush in and uproot a terrible and embarrassing blight on equality in one fell swoop. There needs to be order, discipline, and a slow, steady pace when righting a decades-old wrong.

Let's not forget that the 1948 executive order for racial integration in the military took five years to implement and that was just black people! Which is waaaaay less creepy and threatening than a gay in uniform. Just ask Robert Gates.

"I'm not saying that's a model for this, but I'm saying that I believe this is something that needs to be done very, very carefully," Gates said in a speech last year at the Army War College in Carlisle, Pennsylvania.

That way, people can slowly get used to the idea of diversity and acceptance, even if it means sharing a water fountain, classroom, bus, cubicle, or heavens forbid, a professional sports team, with ummm, shall we say, a person on the opposite side of the color spectrum.

Same goes for the more rainbowy hue, whose lives of sin and iniquity have to be LITERALLY SHOVED in the face of us normal, God-fearing folk trying to protect the country. By law!

But what kind of terrible ripple effect will allowing soldiers to be open about their total gayness have? Surely, all this truth and honesty will break such a delicate, fragile force, stretched thin by two fruitless (and let's keep it that way??) wars and the loss of more than 10,500 service members for violating the DADT policy in the last ten years!

I mean, the entire military's command structure relies on trust! What's going to happen when suddenly soldiers, officers, and commanders stop lying and start being honest with each other about who they are and who they love?

Just imagine the chaos and confusion that will ensue when people are forced to actually tolerate each others' differences instead of beating and hazing that one flaming faggot in their unit within inches of his life?

I, for one, do not want to be around for the day when a soldier is forced to room with someone who is openly gay and has the same reproductive organs. **Shudder!**

Or for the day when convicted felons, gang members, drug users, high-school dropouts, and those with "serious criminal misconduct" in their background are no longer welcome, and instead turned away, while gays and lesbians are free to romp through the barracks, having their wicked way with decent, hardworking men and women of the U.S. Armed Services, and destroying the very fabric of the great nation.

The strictly black and white, no shades of gray, sexually pure, one man plus one woman hetero fabric that makes this country the kind of fair and just leader of the free world, who openly discriminates against the scourge of homosexuality, it strives so hard to be.

Just like those other two bastions of freedom and equality, Russia and China.