This Is The Kind Of Change That Makes You Feel All Dirty & Democratic Inside

President Barack Obama took to the teevee to do what he does best, other than nailing mid range jump shots: nailing liberal Democrats and their terrible no-good liberal Democratic policies in order to defend his perfectly good reasoning for bending over striking a compromise with congressional Republicans to extend the Bush tax cuts for two years in exchange for new stimulus measures and Republicans collectively pinky swearing to stop acting like a bunch of Grand Old Pricks and big, greedy Boehners, orange or otherwise, anytime he tries do something awful like breathe.

Woohoo!

This is wonderful news for America, because once again the Republicans get to do what they do best: act like a bunch of, how shall I put this, umm, "Asshats" until they get everything they want, yet still pretend they are getting screwed over by that meany black Socialist Muslim thug in the White House.

They get all of their dumb, deficit swelling tax cuts for the long-suffering heiress and baron class, extended for two years, plus some sweet cuts in the estate tax as an extra bonus for all the GOP's hard work, cooperation, and selflessness these past two years.

Because according to President Obama, who is sooooo totally over that whole "emo" stage, it is much more preferable to save the middle class from slightly higher taxes for a short period of time and secure more unemployment aid by abandoning your principles in favor of a smoother-running country, than to make the Republican Party put their designer man pants on, take responsibility, and actually suffer for their illogical policies destroying America.

It's called compromise, and it's what mature, practical, adult Presidents do, something you silly intellectual elites reading silly elite newspapers and sticking to your even sillier elitist ideologies wouldn't know the first thing about!

"There are some who would have preferred a protracted political fight even if it meant higher taxes for all Americans," the president said at a White House news conference a day after the compromise was announced. "And I understand the desire for a fight. I'm sympathetic to that."

But to tell you the truth, I'm kinda wiped from the morning pickup game with my new Republican homies, so eh, I think I'll just give up my ideals, take the Grand Old Position, and endorse the domestic fiscal policy of George W. Bush instead. Who's with me?

While Obama said that he’ll oppose the Bush tax cuts for the rich when they’re up again in two years—he insisted he's "not here to play games with the American people or the health of our economy."

Please! He only does that with round bouncy orange & black leather/rubber/synthetic composite balls, a hoop, and a hard surface.

No More Mr. Nice Guy Barry did have some scathing words for both the "sanctimonious" left, whose wacky idea of reality consists of perusing the New York Times while perched upon their diamond encrusted golden toilets, and the God-awful GOP he shared a romantic, candlelight dinner of principle-free, deep fried capitalist Pork chops, topped off with a delicious slice of heaping humble pie with:

“This is their holy grail, these tax cuts for the wealthy,” a visibly annoyed Obama said of Republicans. He acknowledged that most Americans support repealing the tax cuts for the rich, but said he couldn’t persuade the Senate GOP: “I have not been able to budge them.”

Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!?

Obama said he was determined to prevent a stalemate that would let taxes rise for everyone when the Bush-era rates are set to expire at the end of the month. “I am not willing to let working families across this country become collateral damage for political warfare here in Washington.”

He'd much rather let himself, his beliefs, and his entire Democratic base be blown into smithereens than dare stand up to the scary Republicans and risk exposing them for the power-hungry, poor-hating frauds they are, instead of appeasing them Hitler-style.

"I've said before that I felt that the middle class tax cuts were being held hostage to the high end tax cuts. I think it's tempting not to negotiate with hostage takers. Unless the hostage gets harmed. Then, people will question the wisdom of that strategy. In this case the hostage was the American people and I was not willing to see them get harmed."

Of course you weren't, B! As if Democrats would ever so much as dream of believing in their ideas deeply enough that they would actually be willing to fight for them, lest they look like they possess an actual spine, leadership abilities, convictions, or some outrageous positive quality like that.

Because, if there’s one thing Democrats can agree on, it’s surrendering to opposition.

Of course, one would think that the party that wins a midterm election campaigning solely on the critical need to cut deficits, and then once in power, immediately stonewalls any legislation that would actually cut hundreds of billions of dollars from said deficit, would then be subject to immediate public outrage, widespread condemnation, and criticism for being hypocritical liars, who are objectively full of shit.

Not so my friends, not so!

Instead, the invisible, omnipresent, menacing tax monster started rearing his ugly head, forcing the White House and frightened Democrats to make terrible sell-out deals on tax cuts they really don't want (or need) to make, in the hopes that they would be spared being gobbled up, swallowed whole, and digested, bit-by-bit, by this insatiable giant tax goblin that apparently only feasts on the fresh and tender meat of feeble Democrats, not the old, rotting, maggot-infested flesh of Republicans.

In return for the whole tax cuts thing, Republicans will maybe (haha, fingers crossed!) agree to extending jobless aid for the long-term unemployed, also kindly starving Dems of their one advantage of getting to accurately call out the Republicans for refusing to help all gross poors and unemployed people until every last rich person is taken care of, tax-free, with a complimentary mansion, horse stable, waitstaff, and shiny set of steak knives as a thank you.

Oh well!

Fortunately, these heroic tax cuts, passed in a time of prosperity for no conceivable reason except maybe to further fatten the deficit, will never, ever die.

Instead, they will just shrivel up collecting dust in a corner with all the other disastrous Bush-era policies still lurking, biding their time, waiting for the perfect moment to pass Congress, and trickle down wealth and prosperity upon all the land.

Like say when a Democrat is in the White House.

Surrender becomes the new hope; capitulation, the new change.

Now that's compromise we can believe in!

Obama White House Just Can't Decide Whether To Lay Down The Red Carpet Or Lay Themselves Down & Let Republicans Walk All Over Them Instead

It's no secret that when Republicans even so much as threaten to utter the dreaded words Democrats and taxes in the same sentence, diminutive Donkeys from Dover to Denver run screaming for the hills because nothing is more terrifying than a bunch of wild-eyed, salivating, power-starved conservatives painting liberals as crazy spend 'n tax madmen Socialists, regardless of whether it's based in reality or some Grand Old wealthy, whites-only fantasy land.

Of course, being the brave, thick-spined Party of principles that they are, the fightin' Democrats vowed just last week to focus their lame duck legislative efforts on renewing the Bush tax cuts for the middle class only. So it is likely that they'll soon cave completely to Republi—in 3, 2, oh look, they already did!

Because everyone (ahem, the every rich person with a .45 in their pocket and an oil well in their backyard) knows the Republicans' plan to extend all of the Bush income tax breaks — set to expire on January 1, 2011 — including those for the top two income brackets (aka the wealthiest 2 percent of Americans, the richest of the rich, the Crème de la Crème), permanently and post haste, is absolutely crucial to the survival of America, as a ballooning, bloated, unsustainable, grossly unequal, drunken Diva, free from the terrible scourge formerly known as the middle class.

Hooray!

On the other hand, the dumb ol' Democratic (or at least non-faux Dems like Nebraska Nelson) plan has been to extend all rates permanently except those for the top two income brackets, because, well, it's not really all that important to them, anyway! Not to mention would cost $700 billion less than the Republican plan over the next ten years. Which, considering we're dead broke and all, is still pretty damn generous!

Of course, it would have been a whole hell of a lot easier for Democrats to have forced a vote on the tax cuts right before the midterm elections when they still had sizable majorities in both chambers, because even the Republicans realize they can't repeatedly block a middle class tax cut (just so the rich get their much less needed lovin' too!) without looking like complete assholes, eventually.

Which is why the Dems naturally decided to wait until after they lost the House for White House political adviser and resident bad-idea breaker, David Axelrod, to gently let the whole world know the Obama administration is ready to fold like a cheap suit from the Men's Warehouse in Wasilla on the whole Bush tax cuts thing in a damn Huffington Post interview.

“We have to deal with the world as we find it,” David Axelrod said during an unusually candid and reflective 90-minute interview in his office, steps away from the Oval Office. “The world of what it takes to get this done.” (Oh right, you mean the world of bending over and taking it like a nice, li'l Democrat caving to the whims of a bunch of caffeinated Teabags? Jesus Christ, these guys!).
“There are concerns,” he added, that Congress will continue to kick the can down the road in the future by passing temporary extensions for the wealthy time and time again. “But I don’t want to trade away security for the middle class in order to make that point.”

In fact, he doesn't really know what point he's trying to make since the White House immediately tried to walk back Axelrod's statements the very next day, only to find out that's like asking Michael Vick to replace Cesar Millan as the new Dog Whisperer, only to (whoops!) uncover his secret stash of dead, mutated canine carcasses littering his spacious backyard. Or diving into the Pacific with open flesh wounds while Great Whites circle around, and then asking them to kindly forget about the human snack bobbing helplessly, tempting them from above.

So umm yeah, that's kind of difficult to take back. Plus, when the Dems try to distance themselves from looking like total pussies who whimper and curl into the fetal position before the first shots are even fired, it makes them look even worse.

At least deciding to cede all legislative control to the Republicans, in addition to all the chips at the bargaining table is an actual stance, and as such, certainly better than waffling every which way like some tweaked out, trembling Yo-Yo on a bad acid trip, which only ends up giving the Republicans exactly what they wanted without having to pay any sort of price or take the slightest risk.

Funny thing is, the Democrats can actually do this whole tax song 'n dance bullshit too. It's true! All they have to do is play the fun Republican game of saying whatever crazy half-baked, conjured up lies come into their little minds first, like say, "Let the damn things expire. The Republicans raised taxes. They were in charge of Congress when it was time to pass them. We, the valiant Dems, were willing to sign it , but apparently the Republicans are secret Muslim terrorists who hate the middle class, or at least any dumb schlubs earning less than $250,000."

Naaaaaailed it! 2012 won.

Oh, and it would reduce the deficit. Which may be a good idea at some point. Oh well!

But probably not as good an idea as handing Republicans a cheat sheet with all your strategic moves and a handwritten note sealed with a kiss and the words, "A Dummies Guide To Defeating Dumb Democrats On Taxes In 10 Easy-to-Follow, Sweat & Effort-Free Steps."

Okay then! Just call it the Don't Ask, Don't Tell of tax cuts.

"It is absolutely insane that in these tough economic times some people want to continue George W. Bush's tax giveaways to millionaires," AFL-CIO President Richard Trumka said. "Speaker Pelosi is exactly right that there should not be a so-called compromise on this issue."

"The election is over and now it's time for politicians to show courage and stand and fight on these issues for working families," the union president said. "Let the millionaires fend for themselves for a change."

Oh hahahaha, that's rich! Not as rich as the big pimpin' billionaires actually receiving the tax breaks, but hey, close enough. Besides, with all that extra cash, they can just buy their own state of the art security squad.

Which should come in handy since apparently when Rahm left the White House, he decided to take all the balls with him.

Except for one pair, of course. So put your man pants on and Rahm it home, Nancy!

Traitor Joe Lieberman Will Heroically Stand With Republicans To Fight For Rich People's Right Not To Pay Normal, Poor People Taxes

Permanent droopy faced Downercraticandipendent Sen. Joe Lieberman never met a terrible idea he didn't love, or missed the chance to play spoiler and screw everyone over on some important issue or another. It's his raison d'être!

When you're the intentionally annoying, token backstabbing leper, unwelcome in either party, you do whatever you can to stay relevant, in the hopes of once again feeling the shiny, warm gaze of the media's spotlight as its luxurious heat spreads throughout your frail limbs, filling the cold empty vacuum where a heart should be.

Which is why Traitor Joe couldn't wait to announce his awesome plans to do "everything I can" to stop Democrats from allowing Bush's upper-class tax cuts for the obscenely rich to expire, because haven't America's heirs and barons been through enough already? I mean it's bad enough they can't even prance around in diamonds and furs, toss $100 dollar bills into the air and laugh at the gross poors scrambling around below for sport, without feeling all weird and self-conscious anymore!

Ummm, there goes the neighborhood!

But does "everything I can" include stomping on the poor, unemployed, or otherwise downtrodden, while spitting in the face of average, hardworking blue-collar Americans in order to achieve this end?

Ha ha, only if he's lucky, my friends!

Naturally, Republicans would like nothing more than to extend all of the Bush tax cuts forever, because why on God's no longer Green Earth would the federal government need to fund itself? Sure, we're already an embarrassingly broke nation, and permanently extending Bush's tax cuts would result in a $3 to $4 trillion loss of revenue, but isn't that why ol' Georgey planted all those money trees behind the White House in the first place?

The flippin' cowboy genius!

Not surprisingly, arugula-eating, Socialist comrade Barack Obama only wants to extend, at least for a few years, tax cuts for the pesky, disappearing middle class, while ending the cuts on the top two brackets: reverting the 33% one back to 36%, and the top 35% one to 39.6%.

But apparently letting the $1.3 trillion Bush tax cuts on the richest human beings in world history expire and return to their slightly higher Clinton-era rates is considered very controversial in Washington, DC!

Even some Republicans like tanning bed salesman and Snooki's older brother, John Boehner, made the grave mistake of admitting that, given a choice between extending the tax cuts just for people who are less than very, very rich and no tax cuts at all, he would choose the former. Which, unlike everything else Republican leaders have said over the past couple of years, doesn't make less sense than one of Sarah Palin's tweets about "cackles of rads" and "cake inks."

Well this does not bode well with the rest of the Grand Ol' Patriots, and even some pseudo Democrats like ol' Joe Lieberman and Ben 'Nebraska' Nelson, who would simply prefer to hold hostage tax relief for 98 percent of the American people, in order to get (desperately needed) tax breaks for the top 2 percent, like say each and every 'illionaire in Congress!

Leave it to the lame, poor-loving Democrats to even so much as question why the richest of the rich need to keep their tax cuts!

Helloooooo?? Sure, the Wall Street titans, corporate CEOs, and banking executives did cause this whole recession thing, what with their predatory lending, and reckless bundling of toxic assets passed off as good investments not piles of hot garbage, which is why we, the American taxpayers, need to protect them from all this terrible damage they brought upon themselves!

How dare we ask our precious rich citizens to contribute as much to big, bad government as they did before El Savior George W. Bush came into office??

"When you have a huge national debt, when you have people who are unemployed, need to get to work, you do not -- not this year, not next year or the following year -- give tax breaks to millionaires or billionaires," said Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT). "That is obscene to my mind...I will do my best to defeat that proposal."

Ha, what a typical Socialist thing to say, Bernie! What's next, a national Give-Your-Gucci-To-A-Poor-Day?

But the big question remains, whatever will Congress do now? Since it is far more likely that dinosaurs come waltzing across the congressional floor than Democrats and Republicans actually coming to some sort of agreement before the deadline, all rates will go up this January, and Democrats will naturally be attacked for "raising taxes," or "destroying the suddenly-robust economy" or whatever.

Recently departed Obama budget director Peter Orszag believes he has the answer, which elitists can find in the Commie rag The New York Times:

In the face of the dueling deficits, the best approach is a compromise: extend the tax cuts for two years and then end them altogether. Ideally only the middle-class tax cuts would be continued for now. Getting a deal in Congress, though, may require keeping the high-income tax cuts, too. And that would still be worth it.

Why does this combination make sense? The answer is that over the medium term, the tax cuts are simply not affordable. Yet no one wants to make an already stagnating jobs market worse over the next year or two, which is exactly what would happen if the cuts expire as planned.

OMG, like totally! Because everyone knows tax cuts for the richest folks will definitely create more jobs....in China.

But then there's still the other little issue of putting this off until the presidential election season, when Democrats will suddenly have grown some balls, and certainly be willing to let all of the cuts expire, especially with a huge election on the line.

Much better to just keep kicking this can down the road, as far as it will go, indefinitely. If you're really lucky, eventually it might just pass through your trailer park or tent city.

Better yet, why not just kick Congress down the road, and let them expire instead?

Problem solved!