Gettin Jiggy Wit It: Big Pimpin' Mark Kirk Won't Let Dem Crazy Coloreds "Jigger" With His Pure, White Senate Election!

Everyone makes mistakes, Mark Kirk just makes a lot of them. Usually, at the absolute worst time possible. Like, say, two weeks before Senate elections, bad timing!

For the most part, Mr. Kirk has managed to keep his lies, distortions, exaggerations, and various f**k-ups out of the prying public eye, save for a few concocted claims about oh, I don't know, winning the Navy’s exclusive Intelligence Officer of the Year award (he didn't!), being a nursery care school teacher (he wasn't!), masquerading as a strapping, heterosexual man (he isn't!), all to stay competitive, locked neck & neck, packed tight (ooooh, just the way he likes it!) with sexy, smooth Democratic challenger Alexi Giannoulias.

But then suddenly, out of nowhere, Mark's Grand Old Penchant for being a no-good hypocrite, getting caught saying and/or doing terrible things, rears its ugly head, once again showing his true colors: WHITE! and threatening to derail Mr. Kirk's hopes of earning the distinct privilege of screwing over as many dumb, poor people as possible as the nation's new esteemed Republican senator from Illinois. Hooray!

In a secretly recorded (D'Oh!) phone conversation with various state GOP big shots, the always lovely Mark Kirk told state Republican leaders last week about his freakin' golden plan (eat it Blago!) to send "lawyers and other people to vulnerable precincts...where the other side might be tempted to jigger the numbers somewhat."

The "other side" of course referring to those unsavory characters who inhabit the "vulnerable precincts of Rockford, Metro East, and South and West Chicago," or as Mark Kirk likes to call 'em, scary people with black skin. Ya know, the kind of predominantly African-American neighborhoods where those dark, menacing forces in the form of minorities who aren't pure snow white, "might be tempted to jigger the numbers somewhat."

Jigga what? Jigga who?

Who knew that in addition to heroically trying to prevent voter fraud (by making it more difficult to cast ballots and suppressing minority voter turnout), Mark Kirk was also such a huge Jay-Z fan??  I personally had him pegged as more of a Vanilla Ice guy, but hey, guess the man is just full of surprises, right?

Big Pimpin' Kirk. He certainly's got 99 problems, but we all know a b*tch ain't one!

Of course, Mark's fabulous plan to send a bunch of suited-up Republican lawyers to question/harass the credentials of voters on Chicago's south side is in no way racist or anything, but simply a nice, Teabagger way of ensuring elections in this country are glistening clean, spotless, and 100 percent jigger-free.

At least someone has the basketballs big enough to stand up against the terrible widespread problem of voter fraud wingnuts are always shrieking about when not ranting about how The Gays, Muslims, and Blacky NObama are destroying America, despite the so-called Justice Department's finding virtually no evidence of any organized effort to skew federal elections.

But it must be true if Fox News says it is, right? Something about ACORN (or was it squirrels?) stealing all our votes in some menacing liberal plot to take over the world, one poor, disenfranchised neighborhood at a time.

So, ummm, a word of advice to Mark Kirk: unless you want your problems to keep getting bigger, or are brushing up your skills for your next gig as the state's best ditch digger, when trying to suppress minority votes via the big, bad BLACK vote rigger, it is probably best to avoid the word jigger, or any word ending in -igger for that matter, ya figure?

Unless you want people thinking the three K's in your name, MarK KirK, are no coincidence at all, and instead start jiggering around the letters until they get to a more appropriate name for a crazy cracker, like say, Mark KirKKK.

Hehe snigger!

It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's A Black Man Stealing My Election!

Unlike Rival Alexi Giannoulias, Mark Kirk Doesn't Need Family To Make Him Look Bad, He Can Do That All By Himself!

Mark Kirk, At Your Slightly Embellished Service!

Like bees and honey, needles and thread, or Glenn Beck and swastikas, politicians and lies go together like $arah Palin and stupid.

A perfect fit!

When it comes to douchebag politicians lying, misleading, or otherwise bending the truth about which trails they were hiking (like Appalachian paths to hot, extramarital sex in Buenos Aires), military service they did not complete, or distinguished honors they were never in fact awarded, the field is chock full 'o potential embellishers, fabricators, and hyperbole-lovers of all stripes and sizes, on both sides of the political aisle.

The possibilities are endless--and that's without exaggerating!

Apparently, unlike say, helping poor people not die in the street or go broke by reforming health care and Wall Street, or giving those pesky gays the right to die for the freedom they don't themselves enjoy, skewing one's military record seems to be as non-partisan and widespread as well, sleeping with a staffer during late nights at the office, or avoiding hunting trips (or any activity involving bullets & guns) with Dick Cheney.

About two weeks ago, Democratic Senate hopeful and Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal's service record became the hapless chum in the latest media feeding frenzy, after a speech emerged in which the Senate candidate said he served "in," rather than "during," the war in Vietnam. The lying, no-good rat bastard!

"At times when I have sought to honor veterans, I have not been as clear or precise as I should have been about my service in the Marine Corps Reserves,'' Blumenthal said. "I have firmly and clearly expressed regret and taken responsibility for my words...I have made mistakes and I am sorry. I truly regret offending anyone. I will always champion the cause of Connecticut's and our nation's veterans."

Almost as much as his own election campaign, no doubt. What a sweetheart!

Step aside, Richard Blumenthal, it appears you may have company! Hooray?

Not to be outdone by an evil, arugula-eating elitist DEMONcrat, Republican Rep. Mark Kirk may have done some less-than-savory exaggerating himself en route to maybe, just maybe, snagging that no-good Kenyan terrorist Barack Obama's former senate seat in always-honorable Illinois, the original dysfunctional, red-headed stepchild of indicted governors and other freakin' golden, uniquely-coiffed elected officials turned inmates.

You see, Mark Kirk, a Navy reservist elected to Congress in 2001, has made no secret about his illustrious military career, claiming on several occasions that he received the Navy's exclusive Intelligence Officer of the Year award, given to just one brave, outstanding, individual patriot a year. Excluuuuusive!

This is a very big deal (as far as these things go!), and the perfect thing to boast about to the dumb, gullible masses. Except for one tiny, little, not-at-all-important detail: he never won it.

Ummm, ooops?

Turns out the distinguished Mr. Kirk, whose entire campaign is based on this achievement, as proof of his special specious qualifications to discuss national security spending. Unless by special you of course mean pulled out of that "special" place where the sun don't shine.

The intelligence unit Kirk served in in Serbia in the 1990s (not he as an individual) won another award entirely—given not by the Navy (as he claimed), but by some private group called, the National Military Intelligence Association for outstanding service.

The award "citation in 2000 contains no mention of Kirk and instead designates the entire Intelligence Division Electronic Attack Wing," according to the Washington Post.

Hmmm, that's odd.

Rep. Mark Kirk acknowledged the error in his official biography after The Washington Post began looking into whether he had received the prestigious award, which is given by top Navy officials to a single individual annually.

Kirk wrote on his blog that "upon a recent review of my records, I found that an award listed in my official biography was misidentified" and that the award he had intended to list was given to his entire unit.

His spokesman, the wonderfully Sarah Palin-esque named Eric Elk, would say only that "we found the award was misidentified and corrected the name."

Good work, soldier!

Meanwhile, Kathleen Strand, communications director for the Giannoulias campaign, said that Kirk "is lying or embellishing his military record," making him "the worst kind of Washington politician."

You mean the only kind??

"Upon a recent review of my records, I found that an award listed in my official biography was misidentified as 'Intelligence Officer of the Year,'" Kirk explained. "In fact...I was the recipient of the Rufus Taylor Intelligence Unit of the Year award for outstanding support provided during Operation Allied Force."

The Doofus, err, Rufus Taylor Intelligence Unit of the Year award?? What the hell kind of bullsh*t is that?

I mean seriously people! That's like me saying I won the Academy Award, before admitting the distinguished honor came not from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, but the Hogwarts Academy of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Why, is there a difference or something?

Even more mind-blowing is how such easy, honest mistakes defy the law of averages, with the statistically impossible outcome of making the politician look better, smarter, and more spectacular than they actually are, no less than 100% of the time.

Hmmm, I guess politics is the new pseudo-science of the obvious.

Obviously in need of some serious psychiatric care.

The "Winners" In Illinois' Elections May Not Be Clear, But The Losers Sure Are!

Ay, Illinoizzzzzz how you doin'?

Eh, not so well, if you happen to be a resident, concerned citizen, recently elected politician, or just a regular Joe who simply would like to have one elected official not also be a deranged lunatic with a shady past and a rap sheet the size of Rod Blagojevich's stylish coif.

In Illinois? Hahaha, fuggedaboutit!

Let's start with Democratic Sen. candidate Alexi Giannoulias whose tight primary victory was immediately followed by his star-making debut in the National Republican Senatorial Committee's hot new attack ad and brilliant tribute to misguided stereotypes and bad reality TV, called, "Alexi Giannoulias: He'd Make Tony Soprano Proud."

With all the class of Jersey Shore, wiseguy charm of the Sopranos, and wacky, wild Italian-y family fun of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, the NRSC ad is basically a best of cultural mafia cliches rolled into a single two minute segment of bad taste, even worse Guido accent, random stereotypes and desperate innuendos based on the infallible fact that Greek Sen. hopeful Alexi Giannoulias is so sleazy and corrupt, he might as well be Italian. Bada bing!

As if this poorly (Michael Steele?) narrated war on the senses and backhand slap to intelligence isn't proof enough of the slimy ways of Alexi Giannoulias, perhaps the fact that this former treasurer of Illinois used to play basketball with public enemy number one, Barack Hussein Obama, will finally convince the public that Giannoulias doesn't represent change we can believe in, but even better, beliefs we can change.

Through savvy ads that show Americans the truth about their politicians by preying on public fears and prejudices using cheap gimmicks and flashy graphics.

Like that Republicans actually care about the well-being of anything except their own election chances and ability to lie, cheat, and dupe the dumb ass public into actually sending them to Washington to continue to fight for the little people. You know, real, hardworking Americans like Morgan Stanley, Meryl Lynch, and Charles Schwab.

Perhaps former Republican Gov. George Ryan has suggestions for a little Land o' Lincoln GOP comeback? You'll just need to mapquest directions to the Federal Correctional Institution out in Terre Haute, Indiana. No biggie!

"Underneath every issue in Illinois is corruption," Republican Sen. hopeful Mark Kirk said. "The one-party state is not working."

Never mind the five terms he served in Congress. They don't count! That's when George W. Bush was president and government was good and decent and pure. Not the unchecked, power-abusing current illegal regime led by a dissident Kenyan socialist with an unquenchable desire to make the government work for the people, not the Peoples' energy company.

Damn Socialists! With their health care reform to help Americans get insurance without dying or going broke (or both), silly jobs creation bills (haha, like anyone needs that!) and attempts to repeal decades-old discrimination against giving gays the freedom to defend the very freedom they're denied.

"It's telling," Mr. Giannoulias said of Mr. Kirk, "that while I’m talking about ideas and creating jobs in Illinois, he's focused on ridiculous political attacks. What people are looking for is someone who is talking about ideas."

Nonsense! They're looking for someone who is talking about what a crazy bastard the other guy is.

And in the land of freakin' golden things like Rod Blagojevich, that shouldn't be too difficult.

In fact, the winner of the Democrats' Lieutenant Governor primary, Scott Lee Cohen is already more than qualified for a long and fruitful career in Illinois politics, with a solid assault rap for attacking his prostitute girlfriend back in 2005, slamming her head against a wall, and holding a knife to her neck. Hooray!

Since all Illinois lieutenant governors become governors after their bosses go to jail and become reality TV celebs, it's only a matter of time until Mr. Scott Lee Cohen gets to choke all of us in an uncontrollable fit of rage and violence.

But, unlike the normal prostitute-client relationship, here in Illinois, the prostitutes (taxpayers) pay the pimps (politicians) for their services.

Abe would be so proud!