Gettin Jiggy Wit It: Big Pimpin' Mark Kirk Won't Let Dem Crazy Coloreds "Jigger" With His Pure, White Senate Election!

Everyone makes mistakes, Mark Kirk just makes a lot of them. Usually, at the absolute worst time possible. Like, say, two weeks before Senate elections, bad timing!

For the most part, Mr. Kirk has managed to keep his lies, distortions, exaggerations, and various f**k-ups out of the prying public eye, save for a few concocted claims about oh, I don't know, winning the Navy’s exclusive Intelligence Officer of the Year award (he didn't!), being a nursery care school teacher (he wasn't!), masquerading as a strapping, heterosexual man (he isn't!), all to stay competitive, locked neck & neck, packed tight (ooooh, just the way he likes it!) with sexy, smooth Democratic challenger Alexi Giannoulias.

But then suddenly, out of nowhere, Mark's Grand Old Penchant for being a no-good hypocrite, getting caught saying and/or doing terrible things, rears its ugly head, once again showing his true colors: WHITE! and threatening to derail Mr. Kirk's hopes of earning the distinct privilege of screwing over as many dumb, poor people as possible as the nation's new esteemed Republican senator from Illinois. Hooray!

In a secretly recorded (D'Oh!) phone conversation with various state GOP big shots, the always lovely Mark Kirk told state Republican leaders last week about his freakin' golden plan (eat it Blago!) to send "lawyers and other people to vulnerable precincts...where the other side might be tempted to jigger the numbers somewhat."

The "other side" of course referring to those unsavory characters who inhabit the "vulnerable precincts of Rockford, Metro East, and South and West Chicago," or as Mark Kirk likes to call 'em, scary people with black skin. Ya know, the kind of predominantly African-American neighborhoods where those dark, menacing forces in the form of minorities who aren't pure snow white, "might be tempted to jigger the numbers somewhat."

Jigga what? Jigga who?

Who knew that in addition to heroically trying to prevent voter fraud (by making it more difficult to cast ballots and suppressing minority voter turnout), Mark Kirk was also such a huge Jay-Z fan??  I personally had him pegged as more of a Vanilla Ice guy, but hey, guess the man is just full of surprises, right?

Big Pimpin' Kirk. He certainly's got 99 problems, but we all know a b*tch ain't one!

Of course, Mark's fabulous plan to send a bunch of suited-up Republican lawyers to question/harass the credentials of voters on Chicago's south side is in no way racist or anything, but simply a nice, Teabagger way of ensuring elections in this country are glistening clean, spotless, and 100 percent jigger-free.

At least someone has the basketballs big enough to stand up against the terrible widespread problem of voter fraud wingnuts are always shrieking about when not ranting about how The Gays, Muslims, and Blacky NObama are destroying America, despite the so-called Justice Department's finding virtually no evidence of any organized effort to skew federal elections.

But it must be true if Fox News says it is, right? Something about ACORN (or was it squirrels?) stealing all our votes in some menacing liberal plot to take over the world, one poor, disenfranchised neighborhood at a time.

So, ummm, a word of advice to Mark Kirk: unless you want your problems to keep getting bigger, or are brushing up your skills for your next gig as the state's best ditch digger, when trying to suppress minority votes via the big, bad BLACK vote rigger, it is probably best to avoid the word jigger, or any word ending in -igger for that matter, ya figure?

Unless you want people thinking the three K's in your name, MarK KirK, are no coincidence at all, and instead start jiggering around the letters until they get to a more appropriate name for a crazy cracker, like say, Mark KirKKK.

Hehe snigger!

It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's A Black Man Stealing My Election!

Only Mark Kirk Is Man Enough (And Straight Enough!) To Lie About Being A Nursery School Teacher

Pop quiz: What kind of man lies about receiving distinguished military awards, his own sexuality (straight as boomerang!), and just for sh*ts and giggles, being a nursery school teacher, way back when he was just a wee college student in New York?

Give up? Why, it's none other than (closeted) Illinois Republican Senate hopeful, Mark Kirk, who loves lying almost as much as he loves stretching the truth to make himself look better, smarter, and overall more impressive than he really is.

Okay, okay, it's one thing to pretend you won the awesome Navy Intelligence Officer of the Year award instead of some lame-o, pathetic group award thingy no one's ever heard of or cares about, out of a combination of insecurity and sheer embarrassment. This is almost in our realm of understanding.

But seriously people, who lies about being a freakin' nursery school teacher?? There doesn't seem to be any logical explanation, unless Mark Kirk just can't get enough of the thrilling high that comes with pretending he worked with infants still in their diapers?

No one really knows for sure. What we do know, however, is that Mr. Kirk was never in fact a "nursery school teacher," despite frequently referencing his time as such at Forest Home Chapel in Ithaca, New York, some 30 years ago.

Or at least according to a leader of the church where Mark claimed to have worked all those years ago, who says that Mr. Kirk had (once again) overstated his role there:

"He was never, ever considered a teacher," Sally Grubb, a member of the administrative council at Forest Home Chapel said in a telephone interview. "He was just an additional pair of hands to help a primary teaching person."

Well, that's almost a teacher, right? I mean he did once help build a Lincoln Log cabin with one or two of the whippersnappers while the teacher ran to the bathroom for two or three minutes this one Friday afternoon.

Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a soul left who actually remembers Mark Kirk's exceptional stint as the darned best pre-K finger painter and block builder the Empire State has ever seen, or not seen, as the case may be.

Eight longtime members of the church, including two former pastors, said that they did not recall having a male nursery school teacher in 1981, when Mr. Kirk said he had worked there.

“I don’t remember any men who worked there,” said Thomas V. Wolfe, a pastor at the church in 1981, who is now the dean of student affairs at Syracuse University. “It was a team of women. I used to go over every morning and have coffee with them.”

Robert A. Hill, who also served as pastor of the church in 1981 and now is dean of Marsh Chapel at Boston University, also said that he could not remember Mr. Kirk. He added, “You’re going back 30 years, so my memory is not perfectly clear, but most of the teachers were women.”

Hmmmm, now, that's odd! Unless of course Mark has another little skeleton just waiting to pop out of the closet at the most inopportune time possible.

Like maybe something along the lines of how Mark used to be Margaret when he "worked" at that nursery school, once upon a time ago, and thus could be the source of all this confusion!

“As a former nursery school and middle school teacher,” Kirk said as recently as a March speech to the Illinois Education Association. “I know some of what it takes to bring order to class.”

Some milk 'n cookies, a few minutes of storytime, and he's got those kiddies napping faster than you can say nighty, night!

“Congressman Kirk believes his time working in a nursery school and middle school provided valuable life experience,” Kirsten Kukowski, a spokeswoman for Mr. Kirk’s Senate campaign said in a statement Friday.

Like always say thank you and you're welcome, and when in doubt, just remember to lie, lie, lie. Works every time. Errr, almost every time. Uhh, once in a while. Errr, has yet to actually work. But if it does, you'll be the first to know, right after Marky does, cross his heart and hope to die, scout's honor. Deal?

But either way, Mark Kirk has just gone ahead and lost himself the hugely important infant vote. And no amount of Peek-A-Boo, Itsy Bitsy Spider, or Mary Had A Little Lamb is ever going to make up for this pathetic, pandering attempt to deceive those three-and-under.

A notoriously fickle bunch, that Huggies-and-Pampers crowd!

The Only Thing More "Schocking" Than Aaron's Outfit Is That He Claims To Be Straight!

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At Least Mark Kirk Still Wins The Coveted Award For Best Republican Impersonation Of A Moderate, Straight Man!

It's been several days, (weeks even!) since the last prominent, vehemently anti-gay Republican got outed as a secret, terrible homosexual. This is highly unusual!

So, naturally the time has come to unveil the latest member of the "is-he-or-isn't-he-a-secret-gay-hypocrite-club," Illinois Republican and military award exaggerator extraordinaire, the one, the only, Mark Steven Kirk. Hooray!

It's already been one tough week for poor, ol' Mark, who just the other day found himself in the less-than-admirable position of being forced to admit he never really won that super-exclusive, awesome Navy award he was always bragging about, basing his entire campaign on as concocted proof of his military prowess, etc., rather some no-name group award thingy no one's ever heard of or cares even remotely about. But good try, Mark, you were thisclose, thisclose, my friend!

Well now, Marky Mark once again finds himself in the umm, shall we say, compromising position of being the latest token Gay Old Party hypocrite who votes against the interests/rights of gay people, while secretly preferring his sexytime be with other, equally terrible, homosexual men.

Ooooh, this could be juicy!

Apparently, Mike Rogers, the Blogactive blogger famous for his work "outing" closeted, duplicitous politicians thinks Captain Kirk over here has taken one hypocritical step too many, in the wrong direction, and it's time to set the record straight (even if our friend Mark isn't).

Of course, this isn't the first time the dapper Illinois bachelor's sexual orientation has come under public scrutiny. Rumors about the supposed extra spring in his step have circulated since the Republican primary when Mark found himself the unfortunate target of his teabagger opponent's apparent knack for sniffin' out secret gays, as only a homophobic right-wing nut job can.

But it wasn't until Kirk's recent treachery against his fellow(?) rainbow brethren, voting against repealing the military's wonderful, discriminatory Don't Ask Don't Tell policy denying the pesky gays the coveted right to die defending the very country whose freedom they themselves don't enjoy. Yay!

So gay superhero, blogger Mike Rogers, decided to do some investigative digging of his own into the (possibly) pink-tinged preferences of Illinois Republicans' Great White Hope to snag Barack Obama's old senate seat and take back America from evil, no-good, half-black DEMONcratic presidents who may or may not be Hitler or Satan. Maybe even both!

Hmmm, good luck with that! As if an upstanding, moral Republican paradigm of beautiful heterosexuality would ever put himself in as compromising a position as being an actual gay (gasp!) trying to win an election by pretending to be anything but.

C'mon, that would be standard shocking!

Rogers writes:

Within hours of the DADT repeal vote I was contacted by two people who knew Kirk from his college days. "In law school in DC everyone knew Mark was gay," the first source told me. I explained that the information was intriguing, it would not be enough to go on. He continued, "But I had sex with him a number of times."

Well, now we're onto something I thought. "Could someone verify for me that you knew Kirk and went to school with him?" I asked. "Yes" was the swift reply. "Could you recall personal details about Kirk that others may not know?" "Yes," he said.

And he did.

The next source claimed to have gone to undergraduate school with Kirk. I asked for proof that he and Kirk were in school together and once that was shared with me, I met with the source. The source introduced me to a man whom had also been friends with Kirk in college. They both shared with me their interactions with Kirk, including one sexual in nature. The source who claimed to have sex with Kirk described personal details about the House, um, er, "member." The description was the same as the first source.

And in DC, Kirk wasn't all THAT closeted. You see Mark Kirk told me he was gay...It was early 2004 when I was at a social gathering on Capitol Hill. I'm guessing there were 35-40 people present, including the guy who brought me as his guest.

While the party was no means a "gay" party, I'd guess that of the men at least 75% were overtly gay. The others present were either straight men or their women friends.

It was at that party that I met Mark Kirk. I was introduced to him by the person I came with and at the time did not realize he was a member of the House. As my friend walked away, Kirk asked me if the man who introduced us was "single or attached." When I said that he had a partner Kirk replied disappointingly, "oh, well."

At the end of that interaction I walked away and didn't think much of it at the time.

The time of course being before Mark Kirk decided to sell his fabulous, Streisand-lovin' soul to the Grand Oppressive Party of dinosaur fossils and ancient artifacts en route to bringing (hetero)sexy back to the Republican party in Illinois by painting its senate race a nice, rosy right-wing red, instead of traditional, boring "Barry" blue.

"Now, for the first time in his congressional career, Mark Kirk really had the chance to stand up and do what is right with the power of a vote," Rogers writes. "When I heard that five GOPers voted to lift the Don't Ask Don't Tell ban I instinctively though Kirk would be one of them."

Whoops!

But don't feel too bad. When I heard Mark Kirk brag about the super-exclusive, highly impressive U.S. Navy's Intelligence Officer of the Year award all these years, I also assumed that was true.

Silly me!

Wonder what his arugula-eating Democratic rival Alexi Giannoulias thinks of Kirk's mysterious sexual orientation?

"Here's someone who has said he is against the repeal of DADT, is against the repeal of DOMA, and he doesn't believe in same-sex marriage and I just believe that flies in the face of what our important issues are...it doesn't make sense to me."

Well, Mr. Giannoulias, maybe that's because you're not a desperate, closeted queerball trying to win the nomination in a party of 100% moral, Jesus-approved, God-lovin', heterosexual purity.

Next time, perhaps you'd be well-advised to do a little more of what your rival Mark Kirk's so skilled at doing: playing make believe.

Like say, a "military hero" who's as honest and open about his sexuality (straight-as-an-arrow!) as he is his esteemed "service" awards.

No, not the Navy's "Intelligence Officer of the Year" award, silly! The "Tickle-Me Eric Massa Salty Sailor" award for outstanding Seamen Service.

Unlike Rival Alexi Giannoulias, Mark Kirk Doesn't Need Family To Make Him Look Bad, He Can Do That All By Himself!

Mark Kirk, At Your Slightly Embellished Service!

Like bees and honey, needles and thread, or Glenn Beck and swastikas, politicians and lies go together like $arah Palin and stupid.

A perfect fit!

When it comes to douchebag politicians lying, misleading, or otherwise bending the truth about which trails they were hiking (like Appalachian paths to hot, extramarital sex in Buenos Aires), military service they did not complete, or distinguished honors they were never in fact awarded, the field is chock full 'o potential embellishers, fabricators, and hyperbole-lovers of all stripes and sizes, on both sides of the political aisle.

The possibilities are endless--and that's without exaggerating!

Apparently, unlike say, helping poor people not die in the street or go broke by reforming health care and Wall Street, or giving those pesky gays the right to die for the freedom they don't themselves enjoy, skewing one's military record seems to be as non-partisan and widespread as well, sleeping with a staffer during late nights at the office, or avoiding hunting trips (or any activity involving bullets & guns) with Dick Cheney.

About two weeks ago, Democratic Senate hopeful and Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal's service record became the hapless chum in the latest media feeding frenzy, after a speech emerged in which the Senate candidate said he served "in," rather than "during," the war in Vietnam. The lying, no-good rat bastard!

"At times when I have sought to honor veterans, I have not been as clear or precise as I should have been about my service in the Marine Corps Reserves,'' Blumenthal said. "I have firmly and clearly expressed regret and taken responsibility for my words...I have made mistakes and I am sorry. I truly regret offending anyone. I will always champion the cause of Connecticut's and our nation's veterans."

Almost as much as his own election campaign, no doubt. What a sweetheart!

Step aside, Richard Blumenthal, it appears you may have company! Hooray?

Not to be outdone by an evil, arugula-eating elitist DEMONcrat, Republican Rep. Mark Kirk may have done some less-than-savory exaggerating himself en route to maybe, just maybe, snagging that no-good Kenyan terrorist Barack Obama's former senate seat in always-honorable Illinois, the original dysfunctional, red-headed stepchild of indicted governors and other freakin' golden, uniquely-coiffed elected officials turned inmates.

You see, Mark Kirk, a Navy reservist elected to Congress in 2001, has made no secret about his illustrious military career, claiming on several occasions that he received the Navy's exclusive Intelligence Officer of the Year award, given to just one brave, outstanding, individual patriot a year. Excluuuuusive!

This is a very big deal (as far as these things go!), and the perfect thing to boast about to the dumb, gullible masses. Except for one tiny, little, not-at-all-important detail: he never won it.

Ummm, ooops?

Turns out the distinguished Mr. Kirk, whose entire campaign is based on this achievement, as proof of his special specious qualifications to discuss national security spending. Unless by special you of course mean pulled out of that "special" place where the sun don't shine.

The intelligence unit Kirk served in in Serbia in the 1990s (not he as an individual) won another award entirely—given not by the Navy (as he claimed), but by some private group called, the National Military Intelligence Association for outstanding service.

The award "citation in 2000 contains no mention of Kirk and instead designates the entire Intelligence Division Electronic Attack Wing," according to the Washington Post.

Hmmm, that's odd.

Rep. Mark Kirk acknowledged the error in his official biography after The Washington Post began looking into whether he had received the prestigious award, which is given by top Navy officials to a single individual annually.

Kirk wrote on his blog that "upon a recent review of my records, I found that an award listed in my official biography was misidentified" and that the award he had intended to list was given to his entire unit.

His spokesman, the wonderfully Sarah Palin-esque named Eric Elk, would say only that "we found the award was misidentified and corrected the name."

Good work, soldier!

Meanwhile, Kathleen Strand, communications director for the Giannoulias campaign, said that Kirk "is lying or embellishing his military record," making him "the worst kind of Washington politician."

You mean the only kind??

"Upon a recent review of my records, I found that an award listed in my official biography was misidentified as 'Intelligence Officer of the Year,'" Kirk explained. "In fact...I was the recipient of the Rufus Taylor Intelligence Unit of the Year award for outstanding support provided during Operation Allied Force."

The Doofus, err, Rufus Taylor Intelligence Unit of the Year award?? What the hell kind of bullsh*t is that?

I mean seriously people! That's like me saying I won the Academy Award, before admitting the distinguished honor came not from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, but the Hogwarts Academy of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Why, is there a difference or something?

Even more mind-blowing is how such easy, honest mistakes defy the law of averages, with the statistically impossible outcome of making the politician look better, smarter, and more spectacular than they actually are, no less than 100% of the time.

Hmmm, I guess politics is the new pseudo-science of the obvious.

Obviously in need of some serious psychiatric care.

The "Winners" In Illinois' Elections May Not Be Clear, But The Losers Sure Are!

Ay, Illinoizzzzzz how you doin'?

Eh, not so well, if you happen to be a resident, concerned citizen, recently elected politician, or just a regular Joe who simply would like to have one elected official not also be a deranged lunatic with a shady past and a rap sheet the size of Rod Blagojevich's stylish coif.

In Illinois? Hahaha, fuggedaboutit!

Let's start with Democratic Sen. candidate Alexi Giannoulias whose tight primary victory was immediately followed by his star-making debut in the National Republican Senatorial Committee's hot new attack ad and brilliant tribute to misguided stereotypes and bad reality TV, called, "Alexi Giannoulias: He'd Make Tony Soprano Proud."

With all the class of Jersey Shore, wiseguy charm of the Sopranos, and wacky, wild Italian-y family fun of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, the NRSC ad is basically a best of cultural mafia cliches rolled into a single two minute segment of bad taste, even worse Guido accent, random stereotypes and desperate innuendos based on the infallible fact that Greek Sen. hopeful Alexi Giannoulias is so sleazy and corrupt, he might as well be Italian. Bada bing!

As if this poorly (Michael Steele?) narrated war on the senses and backhand slap to intelligence isn't proof enough of the slimy ways of Alexi Giannoulias, perhaps the fact that this former treasurer of Illinois used to play basketball with public enemy number one, Barack Hussein Obama, will finally convince the public that Giannoulias doesn't represent change we can believe in, but even better, beliefs we can change.

Through savvy ads that show Americans the truth about their politicians by preying on public fears and prejudices using cheap gimmicks and flashy graphics.

Like that Republicans actually care about the well-being of anything except their own election chances and ability to lie, cheat, and dupe the dumb ass public into actually sending them to Washington to continue to fight for the little people. You know, real, hardworking Americans like Morgan Stanley, Meryl Lynch, and Charles Schwab.

Perhaps former Republican Gov. George Ryan has suggestions for a little Land o' Lincoln GOP comeback? You'll just need to mapquest directions to the Federal Correctional Institution out in Terre Haute, Indiana. No biggie!

"Underneath every issue in Illinois is corruption," Republican Sen. hopeful Mark Kirk said. "The one-party state is not working."

Never mind the five terms he served in Congress. They don't count! That's when George W. Bush was president and government was good and decent and pure. Not the unchecked, power-abusing current illegal regime led by a dissident Kenyan socialist with an unquenchable desire to make the government work for the people, not the Peoples' energy company.

Damn Socialists! With their health care reform to help Americans get insurance without dying or going broke (or both), silly jobs creation bills (haha, like anyone needs that!) and attempts to repeal decades-old discrimination against giving gays the freedom to defend the very freedom they're denied.

"It's telling," Mr. Giannoulias said of Mr. Kirk, "that while I’m talking about ideas and creating jobs in Illinois, he's focused on ridiculous political attacks. What people are looking for is someone who is talking about ideas."

Nonsense! They're looking for someone who is talking about what a crazy bastard the other guy is.

And in the land of freakin' golden things like Rod Blagojevich, that shouldn't be too difficult.

In fact, the winner of the Democrats' Lieutenant Governor primary, Scott Lee Cohen is already more than qualified for a long and fruitful career in Illinois politics, with a solid assault rap for attacking his prostitute girlfriend back in 2005, slamming her head against a wall, and holding a knife to her neck. Hooray!

Since all Illinois lieutenant governors become governors after their bosses go to jail and become reality TV celebs, it's only a matter of time until Mr. Scott Lee Cohen gets to choke all of us in an uncontrollable fit of rage and violence.

But, unlike the normal prostitute-client relationship, here in Illinois, the prostitutes (taxpayers) pay the pimps (politicians) for their services.

Abe would be so proud!