At Least Mark Kirk Still Wins The Coveted Award For Best Republican Impersonation Of A Moderate, Straight Man!

It's been several days, (weeks even!) since the last prominent, vehemently anti-gay Republican got outed as a secret, terrible homosexual. This is highly unusual!

So, naturally the time has come to unveil the latest member of the "is-he-or-isn't-he-a-secret-gay-hypocrite-club," Illinois Republican and military award exaggerator extraordinaire, the one, the only, Mark Steven Kirk. Hooray!

It's already been one tough week for poor, ol' Mark, who just the other day found himself in the less-than-admirable position of being forced to admit he never really won that super-exclusive, awesome Navy award he was always bragging about, basing his entire campaign on as concocted proof of his military prowess, etc., rather some no-name group award thingy no one's ever heard of or cares even remotely about. But good try, Mark, you were thisclose, thisclose, my friend!

Well now, Marky Mark once again finds himself in the umm, shall we say, compromising position of being the latest token Gay Old Party hypocrite who votes against the interests/rights of gay people, while secretly preferring his sexytime be with other, equally terrible, homosexual men.

Ooooh, this could be juicy!

Apparently, Mike Rogers, the Blogactive blogger famous for his work "outing" closeted, duplicitous politicians thinks Captain Kirk over here has taken one hypocritical step too many, in the wrong direction, and it's time to set the record straight (even if our friend Mark isn't).

Of course, this isn't the first time the dapper Illinois bachelor's sexual orientation has come under public scrutiny. Rumors about the supposed extra spring in his step have circulated since the Republican primary when Mark found himself the unfortunate target of his teabagger opponent's apparent knack for sniffin' out secret gays, as only a homophobic right-wing nut job can.

But it wasn't until Kirk's recent treachery against his fellow(?) rainbow brethren, voting against repealing the military's wonderful, discriminatory Don't Ask Don't Tell policy denying the pesky gays the coveted right to die defending the very country whose freedom they themselves don't enjoy. Yay!

So gay superhero, blogger Mike Rogers, decided to do some investigative digging of his own into the (possibly) pink-tinged preferences of Illinois Republicans' Great White Hope to snag Barack Obama's old senate seat and take back America from evil, no-good, half-black DEMONcratic presidents who may or may not be Hitler or Satan. Maybe even both!

Hmmm, good luck with that! As if an upstanding, moral Republican paradigm of beautiful heterosexuality would ever put himself in as compromising a position as being an actual gay (gasp!) trying to win an election by pretending to be anything but.

C'mon, that would be standard shocking!

Rogers writes:

Within hours of the DADT repeal vote I was contacted by two people who knew Kirk from his college days. "In law school in DC everyone knew Mark was gay," the first source told me. I explained that the information was intriguing, it would not be enough to go on. He continued, "But I had sex with him a number of times."

Well, now we're onto something I thought. "Could someone verify for me that you knew Kirk and went to school with him?" I asked. "Yes" was the swift reply. "Could you recall personal details about Kirk that others may not know?" "Yes," he said.

And he did.

The next source claimed to have gone to undergraduate school with Kirk. I asked for proof that he and Kirk were in school together and once that was shared with me, I met with the source. The source introduced me to a man whom had also been friends with Kirk in college. They both shared with me their interactions with Kirk, including one sexual in nature. The source who claimed to have sex with Kirk described personal details about the House, um, er, "member." The description was the same as the first source.

And in DC, Kirk wasn't all THAT closeted. You see Mark Kirk told me he was gay...It was early 2004 when I was at a social gathering on Capitol Hill. I'm guessing there were 35-40 people present, including the guy who brought me as his guest.

While the party was no means a "gay" party, I'd guess that of the men at least 75% were overtly gay. The others present were either straight men or their women friends.

It was at that party that I met Mark Kirk. I was introduced to him by the person I came with and at the time did not realize he was a member of the House. As my friend walked away, Kirk asked me if the man who introduced us was "single or attached." When I said that he had a partner Kirk replied disappointingly, "oh, well."

At the end of that interaction I walked away and didn't think much of it at the time.

The time of course being before Mark Kirk decided to sell his fabulous, Streisand-lovin' soul to the Grand Oppressive Party of dinosaur fossils and ancient artifacts en route to bringing (hetero)sexy back to the Republican party in Illinois by painting its senate race a nice, rosy right-wing red, instead of traditional, boring "Barry" blue.

"Now, for the first time in his congressional career, Mark Kirk really had the chance to stand up and do what is right with the power of a vote," Rogers writes. "When I heard that five GOPers voted to lift the Don't Ask Don't Tell ban I instinctively though Kirk would be one of them."

Whoops!

But don't feel too bad. When I heard Mark Kirk brag about the super-exclusive, highly impressive U.S. Navy's Intelligence Officer of the Year award all these years, I also assumed that was true.

Silly me!

Wonder what his arugula-eating Democratic rival Alexi Giannoulias thinks of Kirk's mysterious sexual orientation?

"Here's someone who has said he is against the repeal of DADT, is against the repeal of DOMA, and he doesn't believe in same-sex marriage and I just believe that flies in the face of what our important issues are...it doesn't make sense to me."

Well, Mr. Giannoulias, maybe that's because you're not a desperate, closeted queerball trying to win the nomination in a party of 100% moral, Jesus-approved, God-lovin', heterosexual purity.

Next time, perhaps you'd be well-advised to do a little more of what your rival Mark Kirk's so skilled at doing: playing make believe.

Like say, a "military hero" who's as honest and open about his sexuality (straight-as-an-arrow!) as he is his esteemed "service" awards.

No, not the Navy's "Intelligence Officer of the Year" award, silly! The "Tickle-Me Eric Massa Salty Sailor" award for outstanding Seamen Service.

Obama Riffs On Year That's Been, Leno Takes It On The Chin, At Annual White House Correspondents' Din

The good news is that if the whole presidential thing doesn't end up working out for Barack Obama, America's favorite joker-in-chief may want to consider a career change, perhaps replacing a one Jay Leno as the undisputed king of freakishly large chins and late night talk shows that nobody watches anyway.

"I am glad that the only person whose ratings fell more than mine is here tonight. Great to see you, Jay."

"I'm also glad that I'm speaking first -- because we've all seen what happens when somebody takes the time slot after Leno," Obama quipped.

Oh hahahahaha, get it?? 'Cause like anyone who has to follow Leno's lame-o routine is as screwed as a Mexican in Arizona!

And that includes former mavericks who can't remember just who the hell they are anymore! Must be the scorching desert heat. Or all the hot tea the Grand Old Party's been sippin' lately.

Who knows?

Point is, Barry delivered the goods per usual, sharing some words of wisdom at Saturday's (Do I really have to do this again?) White House Correspondents' Association dinner, saying there are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love.

"Well, love and a birth certificate," Obama joked.

"I happen to know that my approval ratings are still very high in the country of my birth."

To which the Republicans in attendance rejoiced in ecstatic delight, failing to realize that this too was only a joke, not a secret confession from our now admittedly illegal Kenyan soon-to-not-be president.

Ugh, liberal elitists and their sense of humor!

Truth is Obama didn't even really want to be here entertaining y'all tonight, until good ol' Vice President Joe did the usual whispering in the ear to convince him.

"I work a lot so I wasn't sure that I should actually come tonight. Biden talked me into it. He leaned over and he said, 'Mr. President, this is no ordinary dinner. This is a big "f**king meal!"

Naaaaailed it!

Obama did acknowledge his sagging poll numbers (not as abysmal as Jay bomb over here, or say, retarded former presidents), but down nonetheless.

"Of course I may not have had the star power that I once had, but, in my defense, neither do all of you."

But, at least, he hears he's still popular on Twitter and Facebook.

"Or as Sarah Palin calls it, socialized media," he said.

That, or the only real job she's ever had.

On the subject of unqualified, attention-hungry party crashers...

"Odds are that the Salahis are here," Obama quipped. "There haven't been people more unwelcome at a party since Charlie Crist."

Well maybe a black man carrying a correctly spelled sign at a Tea Party, but let's not get crazy here.

Speaking of hip-hop brothas in charge of a bunch of white people...

"I saw Michael Steele backstage…aka, Notorious GOP," Obama told the crowd.

"Michael, who knows truly what plagues Americans today: Taxation without representin!'"

Aww, snap, playa!

"All the jokes here are brought to you by our friends at Goldman Sachs. But don't worry: They make money whether you laugh or not."

Even better is if you happen to choke while laughing from said jokes, and keel over dead from the half-eaten chicken bone still lodged in your throat.

"You wanna know what really tickles me? Eric Massa."

Referring of course to salty sailor and former Democratic New York Representative Tickle Me Eric.

"Apparently, Massa claimed that Rahm came up to him one day in the House locker room, stark naked, started screaming obscenities at him..."

"To which I say: Welcome to my world! I feel you! It's a tense moment."

It's like you don't know whether to be scared-stiff or just regular naked-man-in-shower-stiff, which is almost as awkward as grown men having post-caucus tickle fights.

Or washed-up late night comedians following hilarious keynote speeches by charming Presidents of the United States.

"As you know, a lot of Republicans couldn't be here tonight because it is $1 drink night at the bondage clubs," Leno said, giving a shout-out to GOP party chairman Michael Steele.

"This has got to be pretty boring entertainment for you, isn't it? I know what you guys are used to. That was my favorite story: Republicans in a lesbian bondage club. Republicans don't want lesbians marrying, but they do like to watch them tie the knot."

It's What Jesus Would Do!

If the Son of God just so happened to be as into lesbian S&M bondage clubs as he was about spreading the Gospel of love, forgiveness, and compassion to the people of the world.

Besides, Republicans have always had a thing for nooses. Call them voyeurs, but there's something incredibly arousing about watching two sexy li'l ladies prepare the very noose the GOP will be hanging themselves with later.

The Grand Orgasm Party, that is. Can you say hotttttttttttttt??