GOP Rep. Spencer Bachus Finds Out The Hard Way What Happens When Silly Swamp Rats Make Mama Grizzly Mad, Very Mad!

The world's widely beloved Arctic snow drifter, the most perfect specimen since Jesus Christ Himself, Sarah Louise Palin, lent her ingenuity and grace to this year's Senate elections, endorsing several choice candidates, many of whom were spectacularly defeated, most by embarrassingly wide margins.

In several instances, Sarah's unwelcome and idiotic intrusion into the electoral landscape cost the GOP once-perfectly safe races, like backing meatball gobbling anti-masturbation witch Christine O'Donnell simply because SarBear saw a reflection of her own vapid self in the empty eyes of a similarly ditzy Delaware never-was. Or say, endorsing a lightly bearded Alaskan lumberjack, Joe Miller, with a harmless habit of arresting every no-good journylist pokin' their noses every which way, askin' too many questions, all because of her petty, longstanding grudge against fellow Alaskan Lisa Murkowski for having the audacity to also be a popular Republican with female lady parts from the frozen middle of nowhere.

Of course, one would only dare mention these wonderful facts if they had nothing to do with the Republican Party, or its special needs outreach program for obese Caucasians on Socialist Medicare scooters, the Tea Party.

Too bad Louisiana GOP Congressman Rep. Spencer Bachus didn't get the memo, because he made the grave mistake of saying what everyone with a functioning brain already knew: that Sarah Palin's Mama Grizzly campaign circus act doomed the Republicans' chances of winning both chambers of Congress by costing the Party easy victories like the one Mike Castle was supposed to cruise to in Delaware, before being unceremoniously knocked out by the Barracuda's bewitching, Bobbsey Twin on a broomstick, Christine O' (is for Orgasm-free) Donnell.

"The Senate would be Republican today except for states in which Palin endorsed candidates like Christine O'Donnell in Delaware," Bachus said. "Sarah Palin cost us control of the Senate."

And much like any dumb, pathetic sadsack who dare cross St. Sarah before him, Spencer Bachus quickly realized that unless he wanted his political career to follow the same trajectory as Sarah Palin's credibility or Bristol Palin's virginity (or wake up with a bloody severed horse head in his bed), he would be well served to get on his knees and grovel, begging her Arctic highness for forgiveness.

Questioned by the Associated Press Tuesday following his anti-Palin comments, a spokesperson for Bachus, Tim Johnson, downplayed the remark, saying it had been taken out of context...Johnson added that Rep. Bachus was “extremely complimentary” of both Palin and the Tea Party.

Out of context? What, was he actually talking about an alternate dimension? Like maybe the Sarah-controlled social networking land of cyberspace??

Oh, oops my bad! He must've been talking 'bout Pandora again, the crazy bastard!

But be careful, Bachus! Unless you want Snowbilly Sarah to send Joe Miller to handcuff you to a radiator while Rand Paul stomps on your head and Christine casts one of her signature spells (stupidity? meatballs? sexual frustration?) on your unsuspecting, gagged & bound, bashed in Bachus, err, Tuchus. Whatever, you get the gist.

Or in SarahSpeak, "an offer you can't refudiate!"

Christine O'Donnell's Lack Of Knowledge On Anything Besides Masturbation & Meatballs Raises Questions About Her Ability To Function At All, Let Alone As Delaware's Actual Senator

Much like her past experience dabbling in witchcraft, crusading against the sin of self-pleasure, and pallin' around with Ronald McDonald 'n friends, Christine O'Donnell remained true to form while debating Democratic rival, and exasperated, smart guy foil, Chris Coons in their native Delaware, talking 'bout the need to teach creationism in school so America's children can have the necessary math and science skills to get jobs in the burgeoning Jesus is Magic industry.

But then old, bald man Coons went and dropped a bomb on the Wicked Witch of the East, Christine, saying creationism does not belong in public schools because of something called the Constitution, or whatever, which much to Christine's dismay, is not the same thing as the complete pocket-sized Wiccan handbook. Oopsies!

Well, Christine would like to know exactly “where in the Constitution is the separation of church and state?” How's that for gotcha journalism!?

When Coons responded that the First Amendment bars Congress from making laws respecting the establishment of religion, O’Donnell interrupted to say, "The First Amendment does? ... So you're telling me that the separation of church and state, the phrase 'separation of church and state,' is in the First Amendment?"

Her comments, in a debate aired on radio station WDEL, generated a buzz in the audience.
“You actually audibly heard the crowd gasp,” Widener University political scientist Wesley Leckrone said after the debate, adding that it "raised questions about O’Donnell’s grasp of the Constitution."

Consider if you will, for a second, good sir, that those questions had already been both raised and answered. Perhaps we, the voters, have moved beyond the whole question-raising stage and into the actual "OMG, panic, this insane woman is really trying to be a senator" phase, no?

As if everyone was feeling just dandy about O'Donnell before this latest incident "raising" questions about Christine's capacity to do anything, except spend most of the 90s showcasing bad hairdos and pissing off various A, B, but mostly C-list celebrities on Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect show, right?

Sure beats the last time Grand High Witch Christine raised not questions, but the recently departed, at a secret Wiccan ceremony in the back of an abandoned church lot on the outskirts of Wilmington.

Not to take anything away from Democrat Chris Coons, who managed to keep his cool, avoid falling under one of Christine's enchanting spells (think it's called stupidity), and offer clear, coherent responses on a variety of different constitutional questions. Nonetheless, it does help when your opponent knows less than the wooden table you're seated around.

And, unlike that non-masturbating trainwreck, Coons can, in fact, recite much of the Constitution by memory, which can be helpful when debating things other than, say who is frighteningly less qualified, SarBear or her Meatball-gobbling wiccan protege of the Arugula-eating East, Christine "No Hands" O'Donnell.

Answer: Eenie, meenie, miney, mo...

Anyway, so back to the debate, where Democrat Chris Coons only had to recite the First Amendment to prove that indeed religious freedom is established within it. But, O'Donnell still looked skeptical! In her defense, O'Donnell hadn't even heard of the Constitution (that is what it's called, right?) until just the other day when she was googling remedies for her terrible constipation woes (just awful!) and accidentally spelled it wrong! Guess it must be destiny!

Coons said that creationism, which he considers "a religious doctrine," should not be taught in public schools due to the Constitution's First Amendment. He argued that it explicitly enumerates the separation of church and state.

"The First Amendment does?" O'Donnell asked. "Let me just clarify: You're telling me that the separation of church and state is found in the First Amendment?"
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion," Coons responded, reciting from memory the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.
"That's in the First Amendment...?" O'Donnell responded.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! You’re telling me that’s in the First Amendment? The First Amendment to what? The Constitution? Of the United States of America? Does Jesus know about this?

Cause Christine always thought the darn thing began with the 2nd Amendment, and ended there too! It's all the other "crap" stuffed in between that she has trouble with. Maybe if they didn't make it so darn long, something nice 'n compact like the "Dummies Guide to Modern Witchcraft," we wouldn't be in this little pickle.

Also during the debate, O'Donnell stumbled when asked whether or not she would repeal the 14th, 16th, or 17th Amendments if elected.
"The 17th Amendment I would not repeal," she said, before asking the questioner to define the 14th and 16th amendments, adding: "I'm sorry, I didn't bring my Constitution with me."

Or her brain, for that matter. Luckily, the witch woman still has a few tricks up the ol' sleeve.

For instance, she didn't need to actually attend some hoity-toity elitist librul college like her arugula-eating opponent over here. She can simply pretend her college degree came from a real, accredited university (like Oxford or Yale?) instead of, say, her real framed diploma from the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Clown College currently adorning her office wall.

Blasting her opponent for having the audacity to know that evolution is science, creationism a religious doctrine, and a beautiful angel doesn't die every time you touch that sinful place between your legs, Christine said, "Talk about imposing your beliefs on the local schools. You've just proved how little you know not just about constitutional law but about the theory of evolution."

Ha ha, monkey people!

"Perhaps they didn't teach you Constitutional law at Yale Divinity School."

Aww, snap! Score one for Christine! After all, she is you.

And since she is you, you her, and all of us, no one, everyone, even the Grand High Enchantress Christine herself, knows she is sooooooo not cut out for this whole Senator thing. Whoops!

But, hey, at least she got some good practice blurting out whatever crazy, asinine thing comes to mind (she already had the stupid part down pat!), for the next awesome, new adventure of old Christine (still, no rubbing/touching allowed!), her newest gig as the beautiful, brilliant, and most of all, bewitching Fox News host (of Hooters?), freedom, and sorcery, the world (of witchcraft?) has ever known.