People Of The Sunshine State: Sarah Palin Urges America To Rage Against The Machine (& All Rational Thought) And Make Newt The Man

Former reality teevee star and failed vice-president, governor, political pundit, mother, grifter, fame whore, EVERYTHING, Sarah Palin, took a break from the usual Facebook trolling and illiterate Tweeting to continue her bizarre quest endorsing Newt Gingrich because of some on-again, off-again, leftist hard rock band from the '90s. Or something like that.

Here's Mama Grizz herself telling resident Fox News muppet and Fran Drescher wannabe Jeanine Pirro all the wonderful reasons why Newt Gingrich is the right man, not machine, for the job.

"When both party machines and many in the media are trying to crucify Newt Gingrich for bucking the tide and bucking the establishment that tells you something."

It does?? Like that he'll buck just about anything, including his cancer and MS-stricken wives, respectively?

Urging people to “rage against the machine,” Palin continued, “Vote for Newt. Annoy a liberal. Vote Newt. Keep this vetting process going, keep the debate going.”

You hear that people? Keep the debate going! Right into the gutter. It's fun, plus you get to RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE and ANNOY A LIBERAL, all in one fell swoop, err, make that one fell Newt!

Because nothing would annoy (and by annoy, we of course mean, delight) liberals more than the good people of Florida voting a thrice married, twice divorced, faux intelligent, serial adultering, shamelessly amoral huckster who may or may not have secretly promised Sarah Palin a cabinet position in his fantasy moon colony, the winner of the Florida Republican primary.

NOTHING! Well, except maybe Zack de la Rocha and Tom Morello spitting rhymes and shredding chords at this year's Coachella in honor of everyone's fave mooniacs, Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin.

With a special set-list including such hits as:

Bull(shit) On Parade
People Of The Sun Moon
Sleep Now In The (Eternal Hell) Fire
Killing In The Name (of Jesus Christ)
No Shelter (for Mexicans)
(Dead) Guerrilla Radio
How I Could Just Kill a Man (with a 9mm Hollow-Point Bullet)
FreeDUMB
Testify (Against a Liberal Activist Judge)
Renegades of DysFunktion
Vietnow (and Forever)

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE, Florida people.

A Quitter Never Wins & A Winner Never Quits, Which Is Why Sarah Palin Will Just Go Ahead & Be A Loser Who Always Quits

Take a deep breath, America. Sarah Palin's awful, vomit-inducing, toxic reign of idiocy is officially over. It's true! On the momentous 5th day of October in the 2011th year of mankind, the nation's, no, no, make that the world's, most famous grifter-quitter-grandma from hell (aka Wasilla), Sarah Louise Palin, aka Lou Sarah aka Mama Grizz aka Barracuda aka lipstick wearing pitbull hockey mom aka ‘Orora’ announced SHE IS NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT of Fox News, short-lived reality teevee shows, making Mittens Romney actually look electable, getting humiliated by Barack Obama for the second time in four years.

Terribly sad, I know. Now what will we do when we want to feel all dead and empty inside? Who can America turn to to lower our collective IQ with little more than a kiss, wink, inverted syntax, a you betcha or two, and all the faux victimhood Sarah Palin can cram into one grammatically incorrect sentence?

I guess, there will still be Fox News!

But perhaps the most fitting tribute comes from former McCain adviser Nicolle Wallace, who was assigned by the McCain '08 campaign to help Sarah get through her day without ruining everything, only to discover you can't control crazy!

Could it be this very experience with the Wasilla wonder herself, that inspired Wallace's new political novel that "explores what would happen if a woman were plucked from relative obscurity and elected Vice President of the United States - only to find herself completely unprepared for the job."

Hmmm...

“The idea of a mentally ill vice president who suffers in complete isolation was obviously sparked by the behaviors I witnessed by Sarah Palin.”

Not the Sarah Palin, the awesomest, most quittingest human being that has ever hunted moose from helicopters!

Well, first let me just say that the novel is by no means meant to build a case against Sarah Palin. However, to the extent that the people around [the fictional vice president] Tara watched in this troubled state of confusion, despair and helplessness as she flailed around — that was something I experienced. Palin vacillated between extraordinary highs on the campaign stage — she ignited more enthusiasm than our side had seen at any other point — to debilitating lows. She was often withdrawn, uncommunicative and incapable of performing even the most basic tasks required of her job as McCain’s running mate.

Wait, what? I thought the whole point was to make John McCain look less like a fossilized Alzheimer's victim and more like elder statesman who is aware that Africa is an actual continent not a country or that Toto song she totally rocked out to in the '80s.

What if somebody who was ill-equipped for the office were to ascend to the presidency or vice presidency? What would they do? How long would it take for people to figure it out? I became consumed by this question.

Lucky for us all, Nicolle, it didn't take "people" that long to figure it out, which is probably why the McCain-Palin ticket scared the bejesus out of everyone not insane or incarcerated.

The system works, sort of!

"After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States," Sarah Palin said in a statement.

So, there is a God!

"I believe that at this time I can be more effective in a decisive role to help elect other true public servants to office and because "a third party would guarantee Obama's re-election, and that's the last thing that our Republic can afford."

Probably because its already spent everything funding Sarah Palin's personal cash-for-clunkers program, her presidential ponzi scheme/perma-victim tour across the US of A.

"As always, my family comes first..."

That is unless they are sick or pregnant or in the hospital or or makin' precious li'l miracles in the back of Levi's pickup or need something while I am Tweeting or Facebooking or traveling or sleeping or awake or hunting or rocking on my front porch watching Russia or anything important like that.

"From the bottom of my heart I thank those who have supported me and defended my record throughout the years, and encouraged me to run for President."

Well there you have it! The Earth-shattering news (other than that Sarah Palin does indeed have a heart), is that a person no one likes announced they are not running for a job they didn't want, couldn't do, and wouldn't get anyway.

"Know that by working together we can bring this country back – and as I've always said, one doesn't need a title to help do it."

A functioning brain, on the other hand, is pretty much required.

[image via Gawker]

Makin' Mama Proud: Bristol Palin Rides A Mechanical Bull, Gets Into Bar Fight With Angry Homosexual

Like most new 20-year-old single mothers, Bristol Palin spent her Thursday night riding a mechanical bull and screaming at some gay guy in a West Hollywood bar because that's what underage, abstinence-crusading hillbillies do when shamelessly grifting, err, filming themselves being idiots for some dumb reality teevee show nobody's going to watch anyway.

So there's Bristol, minding her own business, innocently flailing around on the one Saddle Ranch bar patron that wouldn't accidentally impregnate her, when suddenly, out of a nowhere, a homosexual appears. And not just any homosexual, but an angry, screaming, active homosexual who doesn't much care for Bristol's mother, Alaskan empress Sarah Palin, or her annoying, unemployed offspring either.

So Bristol did what most anyone would do when confronted by a drunk stranger, and marches over to the screamer, demanding to know if "he is a homosexual," because that is how you insult someone Alaska-style.

Good thing the cameras were still rolling!

From CBS LA:

“Did you ride Levi like that? Your mother is a whore! Your mother is a f***ing devil!” he shouts.
Palin approaches the man and asks, “Is it because you’re a homosexual and that’s why you hate her?”
“Pretty much … and why’d you say I’m a homosexual?” he responds.
“Because I can tell you are,” Bristol says.
“You’re f***ing white trash from Wasila!” he screams as she leaves with her production crew. “F*** you, you f***ing b***h!”
At one point, the man also tells Palin that he doesn’t believe in hell, but that if it exists, he believes her mother will go there.

Ummm, what do you think Alaska is? The freakin' Garden of Eden?

Anyway, I totally know what you're thinking, "Doesn't the bull usually ride the cow?"

Funny thing is, they had to give the mechanical bull a few stiff ones before it would let Bristol mount it.

Kinda like Levi.

The Great American Scheme: Send Sarah Money To See Sarah Run!

No one, I mean no one, knows how to make a killing from doing nothing quite like grifter-quitter-grandma extraordinaire Sarah Palin. Hell, it's not her fault, she was born that way!

And being the kind of psycho, narcissistic, fame whore who thinks she's entitled to moose piles of money for ridin' around the county yellin' crazy racist stuff at old white people in a custom-made, American flag-covered tour bus tribute to herself, Sarah Palin has devised yet another "fool-proof" way to bilk the hard-working public out of their hard-earned money by continuing to pretend anyone other than mindless zombie hockey moms and Wasilla's nursing home community would actually elect her president of the National Mushing Association, let alone the United States.

Seriously, who knew waiting around, doing nothing could be so profitable!? Other than SarahPAC treasurer Tim Crawford, of course!

As you may know, Gov. Palin is on the verge of making her decision of whether or not to run for office.
It’s one of the most difficult and important decisions of her life. And I want her to know that she has our support.
Gov. Palin is a proven leader. She’s a common-sense conservative who fights for the rights of Americans like you and me — not special interests or big corporations.
Meanwhile, Barack Obama’s presidency is a disaster. One in five working-age men are out of work. One in seven Americans are on food stamps. Thirty percent of our mortgages are under water. Parts of Michigan and California are suffering from unemployment numbers that are greater than during the depths of the Great Depression.
Someone must save our nation from this road to European Socialism. Do you think it should be Gov. Palin?
If so, can you send your best, one-time gift to SarahPAC today to help her elect more common-sense conservatives - and show her that we support her if she decides to run?

YES WE CAN!! YES WE CAN!! Because, yes, underlining random words and phrases does make it sound less like a shakedown, particularly if your choice for president also happens to be the one begging for your last twenty dollars.

It's your lucky day, America! You have the once-in-a-lifetime once-every-four-years opportunity to give Sarah Palin lots of money, so she can maybe think about keeping her streak of losing to better, more qualified candidates alive. Or not.

On second thought, stop thinking at all and just hand over the fucking cash.

Oh, and if you choose to send a check instead, always remember to heed Sarah's advice and quit writing it halfway through. Ya know, common sense!

[image via AP]

Barack Obama Hits The Road As His Approval Hits The Skids, While Michele Bachman Wins Over Iowa By Shoving Corn Dogs Into Wide Gaping Holes

2012 Fever is on the rise in Iowa, where desperate Republican candidates (and Marcus Bachmann!) deep-throated footlong corndogs (for freedom) in order to get elected President of the "Ames Straw Poll," hobnob with racist, old, white Midwesterners, provide endless comedic relief to the rest of us, and of course, prove to the entire nation their skills are second-to-none when it comes to gobbling down various delicious meat-on-stick combinations.

Hotttttttt!

Michele Bachmann narrowly won the Iowa straw poll of Republicans on Saturday in the first big test of the 2012 presidential campaign, as Texas Governor Rick Perry formally launched a White House bid that could reshape the race.

Tim Pawlenty, the former governor of Minnesota, dropped out of the presidential race Sunday morning after finishing a distant third in Saturday’s Iowa GOP straw poll.

T-Paw, we hardly knew ye. And that was how we liked it.

Candidates who go all-in but fall well short in Ames typically find it difficult to raise money, and without personal wealth to fall back on, Mr. Pawlenty decided to cut his losses and bow out. In addition, the entry of Texas Gov. Rick Perry into the race Saturday, combined with Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann’s victory in the straw poll, has shifted the focus to their expected battle for the hearts and minds of conservatives.

Good-bye, what’s his name, Tim Polenta or whatever. Hello, crazy lady and new "serious candidate" guy, Rick Perry. The one who prayed to God for rain.

USA! USA! USA! USA!

So, while the mercury was rising in the cornfields deep fat fryers of bumblef**k Iowa, things were cooling off considerably for a one, Barack Obama, whose popularity has plummeted thanks to a hellish economy and even more hellish Congress filled with hellish human teabags.

According to the latest Gallup Poll, Barack Obama's approval has fallen to 39%, his lowest presidential approval rate yet, putting him on par with adult onset diabetes, bumper-to-bumper traffic, heat rash, mowing your lawn with a small pair of dull scissors, and getting stuck in an elevator, marooned a deserted island, or just having to spend an extended period of time with any one of the lovely Republican presidential candidates, not including Tim Pawlenty, who falls somewhere between Ebola and the Plague.

But what ever should an increasingly unpopular politician do to raise cash money, when "being good at your job/saving the nation from catastrophe" just doesn't seem to cut it?

Umm, let's see, ask, "What Would Sarah Do?" then hightail it to the nearest bus depot, get behind the wheel of the biggest, most souped up, 18-wheeler tour bus available, paint a big, gaudy American flag right smack dab in the middle, and rumble aimlessly across the country, whoring yourself out for as much money and attention as possible.

Oh look, he's already got one of Sarah Palin's tricks down pat. Blame everybody else for everything wrong all the time, every hour of every day, “as though your job depends upon it.”

From The Hill:

President Obama, itching to spend more time outside of Washington, begins a three-day bus tour of the Midwest on Monday afternoon in Minnesota.

Obama is expected to use the trip to highlight his own criticism of Congress and Washington as he increasingly looks to run against Washington in 2012 despite four years on the job in the Oval Office.

“During the debt-ceiling debate we were trapped here, it felt like, for many, many weeks,” White House communications director Dan Pfeiffer said Friday.

“He got his first trip out of Washington [last week] to Michigan, and he’s looking forward to traveling back home to Illinois, to Minnesota, and also, of course, to Iowa, which is a place that always has had a special connection with this president and this White House.”

See, Obama hates being nailed down at his job as much as the rest of the 9-5 schlubs in America. Well, other than pray-the-gay-away therapist/personal stylist exraordinaire/secret sausage king Marcus Bachmann, that is.

"If you're talking about a stunt, I don't think a stunt is what the American people are looking for," White House press secretary, Jay Carney, told reporters. "They're looking for leadership, and they're looking for a focus on economic growth and job creation."

By shoving thick tubular meat down their throats, we presume!

The Wheels On The Bus Go Round & Round, Except In Sarah Palin's Case When They Get Dizzy & Quit

While the world was busy pouring over silly, trivial summer news stories like illegal wars in Libya, the Grand Old Party's Grand Old War on poor people, and esteemed members of Congress tweeting fuzzy pics of their own esteemed members, the rest of us were breathlessly waiting for real, important news stories about Sarah Palin getting back on her ridiculous Constitution-covered bus and driving through more states on some dumb RV road trip, grifter tour through the Lower 48, faux presidential campaign extravaganza.

Until, like so many of our fellow patriots with bills to pay but no job by which to pay them, our hopes and dreams were abruptly shattered in one fell swoop: Sarah Palin's wild bus ride adventures talking to old white people is no more!

Oh, the humanity!

Like every other task she starts, minus birthing precious li'l miracles of God, former half-term governor and full-time grifter Sarah Palin decided to up and quit halfway through her bus ride for freedom, too.

WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY SEEN THIS COMING??

Ummm, anyone with a brain probably.

RealClearPolitics reports:

Though Palin and her staff never announced a timeline for the remaining legs of her trip, aides had drafted preliminary itineraries that would have taken her through the Midwest and Southeast at some point this month. But those travel blueprints are now in limbo, RCP has learned, as Palin and her family have reverted to the friendly confines of summertime Alaska, where the skies are currently alight for over 19 hours a day and the Bristol Bay salmon fishing season is nearing its peak.

As Palin enjoys her sojourn to the 49th state, she has not reconnected with key early-state figures like Iowa Gov. Terry Branstad and South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley, and she may have jeopardized whatever political momentum she gained from her recent reemergence in the 2012 discussion. Her political action committee's website still greets visitors with a stale banner, announcing the nationwide bus tour beginning "[t]his Sunday, May 29th."

More than a few of Palin's core supporters have grown impatient and confused about her strategy, venting their frustration on Internet fan sites.

Wait, what? "Palin's core supporters have grown impatient and confused?" Hahaha, that doesn't even make sense! Everyone knows they've never grown anything except maybe their waistlines, and have always been, currently are, and will forever be confused. It's pretty much a requirement.

As you'd expect America's most distinguished quitter Sarah Louis Palin is, of course, furious that the awful lamestream media simply assumed she quit her bus tour (because it's pretty much what she always does) and took to her favoritest Facebook to speak her mind.

"Imagine our surprise when reading media reports today that the “One Nation Tour” has been cancelled. Why didn’t anyone tell me? Oh, wait, that’s because it hasn’t been cancelled. (Good ol' media... you never cease to amaze!)"

Seriously, when will you media people learn that stopping her "Half Nation" bus tour and returning to Alaska does not mean "quitting." It means, snowbilly grifters get tired and stressed and need to take a vacation from their vacations sometimes.
Besides, if you nosy bastards must know, Palin was called home for "jury duty," which is Alaskan for salmon fishing and getting laid.

"As I said myself at the end of the east coast leg of the tour, the summer is long, and I’m looking forward to hitting the open road again. The coming weeks are tight because civic duty calls (like most everyone else, even former governors get called up for jury duty) and I look forward to doing my part just like every other Alaskan."

"I wouldn’t think it to be such a slow news day that, what with numerous wars and serious economic woes concerning Americans, a bus is driving news stories today. The next leg of the tour continues when the time comes. In the meantime, no one should jump to conclusions – certainly not the media with their long track record of getting things wrong or just making things up."

That's Sarah's job!

Wait, don't call it a job. If she knew being a talentless, scheming ne'er-do-well who steals attention from hard-working, struggling Americans was in itself a full-time job, she'd just quit that too.

President Barack Obama Becomes The Newest Politician To Tweet His Private Thoughts, Hopefully Not His Private Parts

Barack Obama, aka Barry from the block (Pennsylvania Ave, what what!) finally got around to installing the Twitter application on his Blackberry, probably now that the rest of the dorks in Congress have taken a collective, much needed break from incessantly tweeting fuzzy pics of their genitalia and other wonderful congressional delights in 140 characters or less.

Which, sadly, means the world may never know what kind of booze John Boehner prefers (whatever you got) or which gas-guzzling, environment-destroying, ridiculously dumb lawn mower contraption Chuck Grassley rides when not passing terrible laws or fighting for corporations' rights to fleece poor schlubs like me, you, and anyone else without endless hours of free time or acres of Iowa cornfields to pretend to mow, poorly.

But, noooooooooooooo!

Instead, we're stuck with the world's lamest Twitterer, BO tweeting about how "Being President is not as hard as being a father" instead of sending fun, exciting pictures of his package nestled cozily in its resting place below his golf shorts where a presidential penis ought to be.

So thank you "Body Odor" for letting everyone know that being a parent is harder than being a president. Turns out, it's also more rewarding! Probably because when he tells Sasha and Malia what's going on, he doesn't also have to explain basic math, grammar, economics, history, science, geography, and the basic laws of the universe every single damn time, over and over again, as though it were the first time they've ever heard of anything, other than Socialism and Fox News.

Because being president is like dealing with millions of kids in diapers except substitute kids in diapers for old, racist white people with Alzheimer's.

So, umm, mind if we take that terrible job leading the Earth, then?

But before we're too hard, let's not forget that BO is new to this whole type 140 characters onto a keypad and press enter thing. He doesn't yet understand the point of Twitter isn't to share random, profanity-free thoughts about your current employment situation, inform people on upcoming campaign events, offer ways to improve the economy, or anything boring and substantive like that.

Tsk, tsk! Dumb rookie!

Obama will just have to learn to stick to tweeting rambling, incoherent, often inflammatory gibberish he simply invented, or better yet, pulled out of his ass that the lamestream media can then endlessly obsess over and gleefully call "breaking news stories." Or just call Sarah Palin for help, because you betcha she is already very good at the whole spewing nonsense stuff.

Or if you're really desperate (like John McCain/Newt Gingrich desperate), just snap a pic or two of the biggest Boehner and/or Weiner you can find, which will likely be sobbing like a schoolgirl on the nearest golf course, and local rehab facility, respectively.

The Grifters Are Coming, The Grifters Are Coming! Sarah Palin Revisits Paul Revere's Famous Midnight Ride

World famous historian and renowned tour guide Sarah Palin continues to crisscross America in a rented tour bus to help bring knowledge (and laughter!) to the nation on her unique, one-woman quest to make history as the first woman to serve as Commander in Chief cause the nation's collective IQ to drop a couple of points every time she opens her mouth.

Like the truth about Paul Revere's famous 1775 midnight horseback ride through the countryside to warn fellow patriots Samuel Adams and John Hancock of the British Army's approach on the eve of the Revolutionary War.

“He who warned uh, the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms, uh by ringing those bells, and um, makin’ sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed.”

Could she be any more brilliant?? I mean seriously, people! Who else but Sarah Louise Palin could know that Paul Revere was actually ridin' around banging on bells and firing shots into the sky like some tweaky Wasilla meth freak with a semi-automatic and an Iron Maiden t-shirt, all to protect our 2nd Amendment rights which wouldn't even exist for another 16 years?

The answer is of course, no one! Which is why our favoritest snowbilly grifter was forced to turn to, where else, Fox News to set the record straight and present the real fair and balanced truth, without the liberal lamestream media bias like facts or historical accuracy to screw it all up.

Besides, it's not like she was wrong on everything. His name was Paul and he did ride a horse! Okay, okay so maybe he was trying to warn Americans that the British were coming. But he was definitely also trying to warn the British and probably their horses too! Trust her, the man was positively hell bent on warning everything in his path!

From the New York Times:

“You know what? I didn’t mess up about Paul Revere,” she said. “In a shout-out, gotcha type of question that was asked of me, I answered candidly. And I know my American history.”

“Here is what Paul Revere did. He warned the Americans that the British were coming, the British were coming, and they were going to try take our arms and we got to make sure that we were protecting ourselves and shoring up all of ammunitions and our firearms so that they couldn’t take it."

"But remember that the British had already been there, many soldiers for seven years in that area. And part of Paul Revere’s ride — and it wasn’t just one ride — he was a courier, he was a messenger. Part of his ride was to warn the British that we’re already there. That, hey, you’re not going to succeed. You’re not going to take American arms. You are not going to beat our own well-armed persons, individual, private militia that we have. He did warn the British.”

So there you have it. Paul Revere was runnin' around shriekin' warnings at anyone who would listen on his secret bus horse ride across the Northeast to save America from the British and secret Muslim terrorist Socialist Presidents tryin' to take away their machine guns with high capacity magazines.

Oh, and if you're wondering where the hell Paul Revere was to warn us that Sarah Palin was coming, wonder no more.

He quit his ride half-way through as true heroes do.

The Original Lipstick Covered Pig Hops On A Hog To Honor War Veterans...And Herself, Of Course!

While the rest of (fake) America guzzled beer and stuffed brats into their mouths, the nation's #1 favoritest patriot rumbled through Washington DC perched atop a badass Harley Davidson because nothing's more appropriate than Sarah Palin kicking off her presidential tour riding bitch on the back of a gas guzzlin' Hog.

That's right, folks! In honor of America's fallen war heroes, our dear wandering wonder from Wasilla donned a black leather jacket, hopped on a tricked out Harley, and celebrated Memorial Day with 400,000 or so other "Rolling Thunder" bikers dedicated to raising awareness of veterans' issues by riding steel death machines that run on evil foreign Muslim-terrorist fuel.

And even though Sgt. Sarah sadly didn't get to make a riveting speech thanking the crowd for honoring her terrible sacrifices serving the nation the U.S. Armed Forces her savings account, she did get the chance to blurt a bunch of dumb shit ("I love that smell of emissions!”) and scribble someone else's historic words on her hand.

AP reports:

On the windshield of Palin's bike: a likeness of President George W. Bush. Next to it, the words "Miss Me?" And on her hand, the words "justice rolls" were written in smeared ink.
It was an apparent reference to Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech, which is quoted on Palin's website: "We will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream."

This is either Sarah's lame attempt at biker-gang humor or Martin Luther King Jr.'s Famous Dream wasn't so much about racial equality for blacks, but that someday his vision could be plagiarized, compressed into two words, and smeared on some petty Fox News personality/pretend presidential candidate's paws to pander to the crowd at some dumb one-day biker fest she crashed.

Naturally, Palin avoided the awful lamestream media and opted instead to vent her thoughts at inanimate objects that don't talk back or ask meany, gotcha questions like what newspapers do you read and what is the purpose of your nationwide bus tour?

Palin didn’t take questions from reporters and, in keeping her social media strategy, offered her thoughts on her political website.
“There’s no better way to see D.C. than on the back of a Harley!”

Except maybe on the backs of POW/MIAs and all the other war vets she loves (exploiting) so much!

Besides, everyone knows you don't just give away ridiculous, nonsensical statements for free. You have to get people to go to your dumb website and click on that "Donate" button first. Then, you can tell all about how much you love America's wars and all the people who died fighting them.

Rolling Thunder national legislative director Ted Shpak said that Palin hadn’t been invited and that the group doesn’t endorse candidates, but “We can’t stop her from coming to ride.”

“If she wants to ride, that’s fine,” he said. “It is a big distraction because we’re not political.”

Psst, silly, neither is she!

Good thing too, because political jokes are usually total disasters anyway!

Sarah Palin's Burning Belly Means She's Either Running For President Or Naming Her Next Child Fire

Unlike that delicate, sensitive Mississippi flower Haley Barbour or creationist and cream puff-loving minister of cheeseburgers Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin has got what it takes (a low IQ?) to run for president of the United States of Jesus. For one thing, she is more than prepared for the many challenges that lie ahead, not to mention, has tons of experience coming in second place. In fact, it's the one thing she excels at!

But most importantly, Sarah Louise Palin has that proverbial fire in her belly, meaning there is either some sort of glowing ember of heat burning inside her, desperately making her want to run for president, or First Dude Todd deposited another precious li'l bun in her oven.

"I am so adamantly supportive of the good, traditional things about America. … I want to make sure America is put back on the right track and we will do that by defeating Obama in 2012. I have that fire in my belly," Sarah Palin told Greta van Susteren.

The former vice presidential nominee said one hurdle is "understanding the huge amount of scrutiny and the sacrifices that have to be made on my children's part in order to see their mama run for President."

Like no more unprotected sexytime in the back of Papa's pickup, got it Bristy? Same goes for you Piper!

But it's not just the pesky kids who are getting in the way of SarBear's White House dreams. It's all the haters in the lamestream media always tryin' to bait her and her family by askin' tough, non-yes-or-no-questions, reportin' on Bristol jivin' in a gorilla costume on national teevee, and all the other "little, petty, stupid things" they're always doin.

This makes Mama Grizzly very angry! And as evidenced in the video, tweakier than a methhead in her hometown Wasilla.

"I think its sick, I think its ridiculous. It's such a waste of time, time is our most precious resource. I'm tired of wasting it."

Unlike, say, the dime-a-dozen barrels of petroleum fun begging desperately to be freed from their frozen underground cages by some patriot with the skills and sense to wanna drill, baby drill (and spill, baby spill!) all over the Earth's crust.

Because, even though Mama Grizz wants nothing more than to run for president of the Lower 48, and stick it to all the haters, she has trouble "not taking the bait" from the terrible, awful, no-good, meany liberal lamestream media she's always ranting about for making her and her ever-growing brood rich and famous, with as many moose piles of money as their frozen hearts desire.

Of course, it's easy for a nobody like Greta Van Susteren to simply say, "then don't take the bait" when it's not her litter of terrible kids getting knocked up in high school, crusading for abstinence via poorly made after school special-like infomercials, joining the Army to avoid jail time for vandalizing a school bus, or getting chin jobs for medical reasons, not because their God-given face wasn't up to snuff.

Good thing, Sarah and her white hot belly-fire are prepared for that kind of thing.

"I feel like I have a prayer shield in front of me that deflects a lot of that ," Palin said. "I just want to make sure that for my loved ones, for my parents, for my spouse and my children and those close to me that they have that tool to deflect also so that they're not adversely affected, so that they can come along on the ride."

It's called a semiautomatic machine gun with an extra magazine clip for good measure.

Now all of America can feel the burning in their belly, too. Except theirs will be the kind that comes as a result of having Sarah Palin as leader of the free world.

Sarah Palin/Pepto Bismol 2012!!

Sarah Palin Supports The Donald's Crazy, Fake Birther Quest For President Of The United States Of Jesus

Since rich people obviously don't have to pay taxes in this country we call America (that's for poor people, silly!), the "haves" and "have-mores" among us must constantly come up with new and creative ways to squander their massive, undeserved fortunes, if only as a gentle reminder how much better, and more well off they are than your pathetic, schlubby working class ass.

Take failed businessman, Donald Trump, for example. His so-called "run" for the White House is such an epic disaster, that in a desperate, last-ditch attempt to divert attention from his own toupee-wearing ineptitude and narcissistic delusions of grandeur, he's decided to embark on a very sudden, very public quest to (re)discover the mysterious 44th president Barack Hussein Soetoro Obama's true origins.

Some Socialist WHORE's womb in deepest darkest Africa??

Good thing at least one fellow unemployed grifter understands and "appreciates" the pressing need to search for publicity self-respect President Obama's birth certificate in the allegedly "United" state of volcanoes, surfing, and fake presidential anchor babies, Hawaii.

"I appreciate that the Donald wants to spend his resources on something that so interests him and so many Americans," Sarah Palin told Fox News. "More power to him. He’s not just throwing stones, you know — from the sidelines. He’s digging in there. He’s paying for researchers to know why President Obama would have spent $2 million to not show his birth certificate. So more power to him."

Indeed! The Donald Trump, you're hired!

"Well, you know, I think he was born in Hawaii because there was the birth announcement put in the newspaper. But obviously, if there’s something there that the president doesn’t want people to see on that birth certificate," she said. "Then he seems to go to great lengths to make sure it isn’t shown, and that's kind of perplexing for a lot of people."

Especially the retarded special needs ones, who may or may not be running for the once-in-a-lifetime chance to represent the few, the proud, the toothless Birther-Truther-Oather segment of the population before getting humiliated by the very same no-good illegal alien NObama in the general elections.

And although Palin claims that our president was born right here, in her favoritest Jesus blessed Freedomland, she just knows (the North Star told her!) Obama is hiding something. Something dark, something sinister!

But whatever would President Obama be hiding, if not his African birthplace? His secret lady parts? That his real father is Muammar Gaddafi? Or maybe Darth Vader's Socialist space lizard twin? Point is, nobody knows!

What we do know however is that Donald Trump is no ordinary failed business man who's too stupid to even figure out how to make money off the multi-million-dollar casino and New York real estate empire he was born into, and spends all his time roasting his D-list celebrity friends and firing desperate, frightened people on cable teevee instead.

But that's not it! Donald is also creating jobs! Like the cracksquad team of The Apprentice interns he hired not to comb through the luxurious burnt orange colored nest of "hair" resting comfortably atop his head, but rather to comb through freak, obscure Teabagger/Wingnut message boards all day long from the Waikiki Beach Marriott Resort and Spa.

As The Donald told NBC last week, "I have people that have been studying it and they cannot believe what they're finding."

Tacky, overpriced glass-and-gold-trim condo buildings, an endless, well-stocked supply of even younger, even hotter new trophy wives, and enough hand sanitizers and instant Donald Trump™ birth certificates to last the next ten disastrous presidential election campaigns.

Haha, and you thought that handsome coif was only to look presidential.

Sarah Palin Says Aloud What The Rest Of Us Silently Wondered, Is Libya A War Or A Squirmish?

Leading Shakespearean scholar and philosopher of Facebook, Dr. Sarah Louise Palin is very confused about what the dickens is going on over in Liberia, err, Latvia, wait, or was it Libya (she can never remember!), and not just because she's a stupid snowbilly grifter whose IQ is the same number as the average winter temperature in Wasilla.

Heavens no!

It is simply because during his latest failed attempt to do anything, Barack Hussein Obama refused to say exactly what the U.S. of A is even doing in this weird Muslim country she's never heard of. Is it a war, an intervention, or as Sarah suspects, some kind of squirmish, which the rest of us can only assume is either a battle to the death between two Earth worms, or a kind of practice-war, a squimmage, of sorts.

All of which Sarah finds so disconcerting that she just had to immediately go on her favoritest Fox News to "refudiate" all the terrible things Barack Obama did or did not say during his God-awful, hoity-toity, nuance-filled, elitist, non-war declaring, pussy address to America.

Wait, what's this we hear? Sarah did start to feel some of that hopey-changey hogwash NObama is always squawking 'n squeaking about during that magical moment when he decided to toss in some ridiculous "North Star" metaphor in his speech.

Turns out, this is the exact sort of idiocy Sarah Palin likes.

"The Great North Star, with its abiding light o'er land and sea. A beacon bright!" she squeals in delight, before going off on some weird tangent about the North Star bein' Alaskan's GPS system and usin' it as a guide to stay focused on what really matters. (Making Mount McKinley's of money?)

Umm, yeah. Not only does Obama have a brand spanking new squirmish on his hands, he's also starting to talk like Sarah Palin's even more special needs alter ego, Lou Sarah.

OMG, we're all sqruewed!

And to think, I always thought squirmish was the sound of some silly squank stomping on the English language!

Supreme Court Rules Wacko Westboro Church's Picketing Soldiers' Funerals Is Free Speech; Sadly Same Goes For Sarah Palin's 140-Character Ghostwritten Tributes To Herself

When not granting sleazy mega corporations the same rights, privileges, and fabulous new ability to donate as much cold, hard cash to political campaigns as your average Snuggie-wearing schlub on the sofa stuffing Pringles in his mouth, the Supreme Court is busy doing other vital things, like coming thisclose to unanimously ruling in favor of the right of Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church to shriek outside gay soldiers' funerals with signs that say "God Hates Fags" and "AIDS Cures Fags" because of like freedom of speech or whatever.

It would have been unanimous, if not for the lone dissent of fearless, temper tantrum-throwing Justice Samuel Alito, who never misses a chance to disrupt a State of the Union address by NObama, or give the government more power over individual liberties, including the freedom to spew vile, racist shit at grieving loved ones of slain soldiers or innocent Muslim families and their children en route to charity events.

In his dissent, Justice Alito likened the Westboro Baptist Church protest to 'fighting words,' which are not protected by the First Amendment. “Our profound national commitment to free and open debate is not a license for the vicious verbal assault that occurred in this case.”

“In order to have a society in which public issues can be openly and vigorously debated,” he wrote, “it is not necessary to allow the brutalization of innocent victims.”

Au contraire, Sammy, ya sensitive shmuck! That's why you don't get to carry the big gavel, like Dr. Roberts over here. How you like them fightin' words?

Speaking for the majority, Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. said, “Speech is powerful. It can stir people to action, move them to tears of both joy and sorrow, and — as it did here — inflict great pain.”

“Debate on public issues should be robust, uninhibited and wide-open" (just like Bristol Palin!), because “speech on public issues occupies the highest rung of the hierarchy of First Amendment values.” 

"But, we cannot react to that pain by punishing the speaker. The national commitment to free speech requires protection of even hurtful speech on public issues to ensure that we do not stifle public debate.”

OMG, so true! I mean how else would Sarah Palin be able to contribute factually incorrect ghostwritten ruminations on her own terrible, conjured up victimization in 140-delightful characters or less? Because the important thing here is that it is now legal to say “God Hates Fags” and “Thank God For Dead Soldiers” in public, but private citizen, living legend, andconstitutional scholar Sarah Palin is not allowed to say “God” at all.

Who is this “we” she’s talking about? Lou Sarah? Another one of her various super secret Twitter accounts? And what is this public square of which she twats? The abandoned old parking lot of the Assembly of God church in downtown Wasilla?

Everyone knows Sarah Palin invokes God whenever and wherever she can round up a bunch of horny unemployed men with greasy hair to wave American flags and shout about taking back our country from no-good Secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist Presidents from Kendonesia!

Nobody, I said, nobody, but especially not some fruitcake in a potato sack is gonna take away her God-given right to talk about the God that loves her the most of all.

God doesn’t hate gays. He hates Muslims! And people who don’t like Sarah Palin.

In related breaking news, the Supreme Court unanimously upheld Sarah's "persecution/victim/narcissist complex" in the landmark case Sarah Palin v. Planet Earth.

Put This In The Brilliant Ideas Department: Sarah Palin Fans Plan To Simultaneously Pull Over To The Side Of The Road For Some Dumb Reason Or Another

What would you do, if you were a tea 'n freedom lovin' patriot who despises NObama, adores Lord & Savior Jesus Christ, is borderline obsessed with Sarah Palin, and wanted to make a really BIG statement?

Well, one patriotic, Palin-worshiping group of conservative kooks 'n cranks, Stand Up America, is encouraging all Jeebus-lovin' Americans not otherwise occupied with a job, kids, or responsibility of any kind, to get in their cars, trucks, RV's, 4x4's, tractor-trailers, motorcycles, mopeds, jalopies, socialist medicare scooters, or whatever it is angry, overweight, white, real Americans drive, and head over "to their nearest highway or main route" on March 13 at 4 p.m. Eastern time, and then abruptly stop and pull over to the side of the road, presumably causing all sorts of terrible traffic jams and car accidents for freedom.

For what, you wonder?

"Sarah Palin called the Obama Administration’s actions the ‘Road to Ruin’!"

Umm, yes, that one sentence tells this wonderful group what it's next big move should be on traffic-filled streets and bustling highways. Hooray!

"So how do we make our voices known? How do we finally succeed? How do we send a clear message that cannot be twisted by the media, misinterpreted by politicians, or co-opted by Obama apologists?"

Oooh, ooh, I know! How about, act like crazed madmen on dangerous freeways and highways all across roadside America??

"It won’t cost you any money short of a gallon of gas. It won’t take much of your time, only about an hour. It won’t mean travel to distant cities. It won’t mean crowds to wade through, and it won’t interfere with your life too much."

Yes, life. Ya know, the stuff you do when not polishing your pistol to a glistening shine and/or panicking about a certain chocolatey-hued menace in the once-pure White House.

"What it will be is FUN, and a great way to vent your frustration, without being labeled, or maligned!"

Or noticed, even!

Are you ready, patriots?

• We want everyone to get into their cars, trucks, motorcycles, RVs, Semis, box trucks, and any other vehicle, and drive to your nearest highway or main route;
• Don’t go far, just enough to get in a safe position to pull over to the shoulder, and park, engine running, headlights and flashers on;
• Imagine others driving by wondering “what the heck”? Wave to everyone;
• Get ten friends to do the same; or go to an over pass and hang temporary signs saying – “Time to stop!” Just imagine the imagery! But be SAFE!
• Once pulled over to the side, place calls or texts to your friends, take pictures, send tweets, flood Facebook with messages and photos, along with several million others on other highways across the land.
• Stay one hour if you can, get your friends to do the same, line up all your vehicles in a safe manner as far off the side as you can, and hit your horns.
• One hour gives the media a chance to react, a chance to get footage. Imagine the traffic reports!
• Hang a sign inside your back window, or use temporary soap to write a message safely on the window;
• Be a part of millions of people saying: “Stop the madness, we are pulling over and just stopping!”

HONK IF YOU HATE SECRET MUSLIM TERRORIST SOCIALISTS FROM KENYA!

Imagine the image, when every news outlet in the USA must take notice. (Every=Fox News!)

Helicopters recording the event, YouTube filling with videos from every spot in America, with one message: “Just Stop”! Imagine seeing 300 cars pulled over for miles in California, in Texas, in New Jersey…etc.

Imagine the evening news and cable stations saying, “What the heck is going on?”

Do the math. If a car is 17 feet long, and 10 feet is maintained between each vehicle, it takes only 195 cars to stretch one mile. Imagine 500 tractor trailers pulling over for one hour! That’s over seven miles!

Yes, do the math! And realize that if you weren't dumb-as-donkeys and could actually add/multiply/divide numbers, you'd also realize that even a million dirty, old, broken-down vehicles sparsely dotting the roadsides of America wouldn’t create a disturbance, because the highways are already littered with dirty, old, broken-down station wagons and abandoned Ford pintos.

Be SAFE though! And remember, don't do anything illegal!
• Be respectful, and patriotic to a fault;
• Stay away from congested areas, you know where they are, do some research;
• Leave plenty of room so you can pull back out safely, in turn, one-at-a-time;
• Help each other when stopping or starting back out into traffic lanes;
• Be courteous to your fellow “Stoppers”;
• Do not do anything illegal, and do not get out and walk, Observe and obey all laws;
• Don’t cause any interference with the flow of traffic;
• Do not disobey any lawful order;
• Be the PATRIOTIC icon of virtue that you are!
• BE SAFE!!!
"We are on the 'Road to Ruin', and we are stopping on the side of that road to protest the downfall of our country! We are not going to drive on that road anymore!"

And neither are you! Thanks to Stand Up America's beautiful, collective dream, where confused, frightened motorists having car trouble on the highway wouldn't have so much as a single inch of room to safely pull their smoking vehicle over to the shoulder, causing moose piles of accidents, fatalities and massive 50-car pile ups, along with bumper-to-bumper traffic jams from sea to shining sea.

Which, if all goes well, should finally bring the necessary attention to some stupid, meaningless line Sarah Palin once muttered, probably right before unceremoniously firing the talentless, sadsack ghostwriter who penned it.

Not to mention that hopping from motorized scooter to Ford F150 to Winnebago is the closest these "Stand Up Americans" can actually get to 'Standing Up!'

Someone better alert Cracker Barrel, they're in for a loooooong Sunday!

Acting like a complete idiot sure makes a person hungry!

Can You Guess The Ingenious Mind Behind The Internet's Best Kept Secret, "Lou Sarah"?

It is no secret Sarah Louise Palin rules the Internets and all things related to it, including ghostwritten 140-character Tweets of indecipherable gibberish no one understands, except Twits, Twats, 'n Tweens, like say, the original runner up vice-presidential loser/half-term governor and her brood of fellow fame grubbing, ridiculously-named grifters.

So it should come as no surprise that for the world's #1 favoritest Patron Saint of Social Networking, a single Facebook page is simply not enough.

Puh-lease!

No, no, another Facebook page must be secretly created using Sarah Palin's personal Gmail address, so that the fake Sarah Palin can praise the other, real Sarah Palin whenever she says something really awesome and inspiring about Jesus, abstinence, or her favoritest Fox News.

But in order to be really clever so the dumb lamestream media doesn't find out, Sarah had to wrack her whole Wasilla brain to come up with something so smart, so unique, so mindlblowingly brilliant that no one would ever be the wiser.

And then suddenly, viola! Out pops a Facebook page for "Lou Sarah" (psst: her middle name is Louise, get it??) who is friends with a bunch of Wasilla folk and has an unhealthy obsession with Bristol Palin.

Coincidence? I think not.

This mysterious "Lou Sarah" page is really less a Facebook page and more a personal tribute to the real Sarah Palin, who she "likes" a lot, and has nothing but praise and encouragement for. "Lou Sarah" even says "Amen" to Facebook posts by Sarah Sarah, which is like the cyberworld's version of a rousing, stadium-sized standing ovation from a frenzied, adoring crowd o' flag wavin', Socialist motor scooter-ridin' patriots.

But what else does "Lou" do on her super secret, underground Facebook account that is easily accessible to anyone with a computer and enough fingers to type in Palin's Gmail address into Facebook's search box?

Well, for one thing, "Lou" thoroughly enjoys keeping in touch with all 12 of her mostly Wasilla-based friends, including Sarah Palin’s father Chuck Heath, brother Chuck Heath Jr., and some weirdo lady named Claire Barton who is also a proud member of Palin's Wasilla Assembly of God church and whose primary interest is to "Restore Fear of YAHWEH/GOD and YESHUA/CHRIST as Ruler of our Countries."

But seriously, whose isn't, right?

"Lou Sarah" is usually busy using her stealth page to "like" herself, recommend links to her own poorly written, factually incorrect op-ed columns, generously offer a few "Amen" shout-outs on Sarah Palin's public page, and become a fan of who else but Sarah Palin, Bristol Palin, Mark Ballas (Bristol Palin’s DWTS dancing partner, f**k buddy & probably-soon-to-be-baby daddy), and the Wasilla-based Edge Fitness, who Lou was kind enough to alert about an upcoming plug on the reality teevee sensation sweeping the globe, Sarah Palin's Alaska, starring Lou Sarah.

But most of all, when not showering praise upon her own perfect self, "Lou" simply loves to encourage others, particularly ones she personally birthed, raised, and groomed to follow in Mama's footsteps, and make moose piles of money makin' bastard babies, humiliating herself dancing (poorly) in a gorilla costume on national teevee.

And we love you, "Lou," on behalf of everyone who struggles with proper Facebook etiquette and overcomes the challenges of looking like a total douche, by deciding to like your own comment anyway!

It looks like The Wonder Woman of Wasilla has been way too busy moonlighting as "Lou" to heap praise on her daughter for remembering the Lord after getting booted off Dancing With The Stars and "like" herself, to actually read the liberal newspapers and other elitist publications warning about Facebook privacy settings.

Not that it matters because, either way, none of Palin's multiple personalities are interesting.

But this one sure is fitting: Lou Sar... Lou Sar... Loser!

OMG! New Leaked Sarah Palin Tell-All Reveals Sarah Palin Is Not Only A Terrible Person, But A Terrible Email Writer Too!

"A leaked manuscript by one of Sarah Palin's closest aides from her time as governor charges that Palin broke state election law in her 2006 gubernatorial campaign and was consumed by petty grievances up until she resigned."

What, what, what!?!? Petty grievances?? Nah, doesn't sound a bit like her. Not our Sarah Palin! No, no, must be a mistake. Must be the other incompetent, dim-witted, half-term governor of another remote, unpopulated frozen Northern wasteland in the middle of nowhere, they're thinking of!

Besides, who's responsible for this blasphemy, anyway? The lamestream media elites? Evil, arugula-eating, liberal journylists? Levi Johnston? The Muslim Brotherhood? Blood-libelin' Jews? Wisconsin Governor of Busting Up Worker's Unions, Scott Walker? I want names here, people!

The 465-page, tell-all manuscript is titled, In Blind Allegiance to Sarah Palin: A Memoir of our Tumultuous Years and is written by former Palin confidante Frank Bailey.

Bailey is a former Alaska Airlines supervisor who started off painting Sarah Palin's gubernatorial campaign offices as a volunteer in 2005, joined Palin’s campaign team at the beginning of her successful run for governor in 2006, and left as a top aide in 2009. He writes in the manuscript how he was charmed and inspired by Palin.

Translation: “Alaska Airlines supervisor” = instantly the most qualified person to run the executive branch of Sarah Palin's state government. "Charmed and inspired by Palin" = she gave him a boner, thus he was hoping to have sex with her.

Anyway, so this guy Bailey was once inspired by, loyal to, and probably in love with Palin, based on a quick perusal of the material and most middle aged male superfans who devote their entire professional life to serving Sarah, but now hates her no-good guts, and will do whatever it takes to expose as the arctic hillbilly grifter fraud she really is, while also hopefully making a few moose piles of money along the way, as would make his one-time Mama Grizzly mentor proud.

Bailey says the book was written with the help of more than 60,000 e-mails exchanged while working for Palin, like the one he received right before she abruptly resigned as Alaska's governor in July 2009, less than three years into her four-year term, saying, "I hate this damn job."

Hell, if she didn't like that job, she must be simply thrilled she will never be president. Rumor has it that one's even harder!

But until then, I suppose, we'll just have to make do with the beautiful poetry composed all by her brilliant self on the Internets.

ridiculous... paying for the damn McCain campaign's attorneys to vet me!!! Unflippinbelievable. The campaign was so disingenuous, who in the heck has to pay for themselves to be vetted when they didn't ask for it??? I didn't hire any attorney- they did! They ran up a bill and left me with it- just like they did with the damn clothes issue. Paying out of my family's pocket for the Flippin' privileged of jumping on the pirate ship headed up by Schmidt, Nicole, et al? I am so upside down in all this- paying off a ridiculous debt I owe for the privilege of campaigning with a bunch of rich, connected people who have no burden after the campaign ends- they left the burden (in more ways than one) to us. This aspect of it is unheard of- the campaign folks lied. They have $ left over in different campaign accounts, but we're stuck with their bill and a lot of embarrassment. This is an unbelievable chapter in a book.

Sarah Palin: Tuesday, 21 Apr 2009

(Note: the McCain Campaign later revealed that this was not a vetting expense, but a legal bill associated with defending Sarah Palin against ethics charges in her dismissal of Public Safety Commissioner Walt Monegan in a scandal that became known as Troopergate).

Ah yes, an unbelievable chapter! One which we cannot wait to get our hands on, once her ghostwriting team is done makin' stuff up, bindin' it together, and slappin' on a cover of her wrapped in an America flag, shooting a moose dead, all while keepin' a winkin' eye on Russia, from the snow-covered safety of her porch in Wasilla.

But what other new, amazing things do we, the American people, have the privilege of learning about St. Sarah, through the first 41-pages of Bailey's book, other than "Unflippinbelievable" is the word her Arctic highness most frequently uses in private communications with her staff?

“Sarah Palin had God’s blessing and people’s love and faith,” he wrote.

Yes, yes, of course! But aside from this whole “Mandate of Heaven” thing. Like how ol' SarBear had a lesser-known dark side, "including the compulsion to attack enemies, deny truth, play victim and employ outright deception."

Shut the front door!

"Minor slights became obsessions, demanding revenge and if possible, destruction of the opponent's reputation. We set our sights and went after opponents in coordinated attacks, utilizing what we called 'Fox News surrogates,' friendly blogs, ghost-written op-eds, media opinion polls (that we often rigged), letters to editors, and carefully edited speeches," Bailey wrote.

Which she then brilliantly re-scribbled on the palm of her hand, just in case!

Bailey also claims to have been a close confidant to Palin’s husband, Todd, and writes that the two worked together to orchestrate "Troopergate," a scandal involving the effort to get Palin's ex-brother-in-law fired from his job as a state trooper.

And then likely fired from his existence as an oxygen breathing, carbon-based being residing in the Kingdom of God, if we know SarBear like we think we do.

Yawn.

In his book, Bailey alleges that Palin violated election law by using money from the Republican Governors Association (RGA) to fund her campaign commercials and appointing a dude to the Alaska Supreme Court pretty much because he totally screwed over her ex-brother-in-law in a custody hearing.

"She had, I suddenly believed, broken the law."

And with that, the nation's heart.

Oooh, I can't for her to one day become president, so she can appoint a man to the Supreme Court of the United States, solely for voting the most times for Bristol Palin's breathtaking, star-making performance doing the jive in a gorilla costume on Dancing With The Stars.

Bailey wrote that Palin turned on the anti-abortion group's Alaska Family Council head, Jim Minnery, and later backed out of an event with him to promote a ballot measure aimed at making it illegal for teens to get an abortion because she was too busy working on her book.

"When Sarah turned on Jim Minnery and their cause, for the sole purposes of making money and causing him embarrassment, I saw how blind I'd become. Finally, Sarah Louise Palin's petty ways and butchered priorities would set me free," Bailey wrote.

Too bad the same cannot be said about the thousands of butchered animal carcasses or hapless teenagers desperate to be set free from carrying their own unwanted precious li'l miracles of God, drunken regret with Levi Johnston, forced penetration, or whatever the case may be.

Either way, the moral of the story is always protect your (in)boxes, ladies! Lest anything unwanted come popping out, be it baby or badly spelled, grammatically incorrect, unflippinbelievably embarrassing, special needs emails.

You betcha!

Hooray! Ron Paul Wins CPAC Straw Poll For The Chance To Be President...Of Losing To Obama

Woohoo, wingnut America!

After three days of endless shrieking and shouting about the bountiful beauty of trickle down economics (make it rain, Ronnie Reagan, make it rain!), the unspeakable evils of a woman having rights over her own dumb, slutty body, and, of course, the insufferable Donald Trump going on and on about how much richer and better he is than you, I, or the rest of the dumb schlubs in attendance will ever be, the three-day freak fest of repressed homosexuality and poorly veiled insecurity, popularly known as the Conservative Political Action Conference, is finally over.

But no CPACapalooza for insane people would be complete without first determining which wonderful wingnut had the conservative cajones big enough (and white enough!) to win this year's meaningless CPAC straw poll for the twice-in-a-lifetime chance to run for President of Losing To Obama.

Drum roll please.....

And the winner is...the inimitable Doctor Ron Paul, whose second consecutive straw poll victory now makes him the undisputed champion of crazy conferences and two-term president of make believe.

Yay!

Let's see how the rest of the candidates stacked up, shall we?

Okay, so as you already know, Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul won his second non-scientific (but likely creationist!) straw poll, capturing 30% of the vote he bused in specifically for this very purpose. Ah, a true statesman and humble man of the people, that Doctor Congressman Ron Paul!

Next came ol' Mittens Romney, who much like last year (and the year before and the year before) came in an impressive second, managing to snag 23 percent of the vote, despite the difficult challenges of being both a Mormon and a Socialist health care loving liberal.

Nobody else even came close, with the rest of the esteemed losers candidates-to-be failing to so much as even crack double digits, including She-Ra Princess of Powder, Sarah Palin, who mustered up a measly 3 percent, despite declining the invite in order to wander aimlessly around Fox News making moose piles of money muttering made-up new words to insult Muslims.

Which was still good enough to beat bass-playing former bacon-double cheeseburger scarfing governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee, Former Godfather’s Pizza CEO no one's ever heard of, Herman Cain, and Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, despite his bestest attempts to appeal to the all-powerful, old, Southern whites-who-hate-black-people crowd. Maybe next year?

"It will tell the country a whole lot about the enthusiasm the young people have for liberty," a victorious Ron Paul said. Or at the very least, what handpicking hundreds, err make that, thousands of supporters from the congressman's Campaign for Liberty group and shipping the whole lot of of 'em off to Washington with "We Love Ron" buttons and #2 pencils can do for the cause.

But not everyone was quite so thrilled with the good doctor's orders to storm the party, and stuff the ballot box with loads o' libertarian love.

Like uber rich (and classy!) golden-haired muppet clown Donald Trump who invited himself to speak at the event and continue his delusions of grandeur that he is actually a viable candidate to do anything other than scream "you're fired!" at terrified underlings, like, say run for President of America.

Mr. Trump got lots of loud applause. But that turned into loud and extended boos after an audience member yelled the name of Ron Paul.
"By the way, Ron Paul cannot get elected, I'm sorry," he responded, prompting the negative response. "I like Ron Paul. I think he's a good guy. But really he has just zero chance of getting elected."

Which, incidentally, is just about the same number as Donnie's IQ.

Talk about coincidences!

"I was elected 11 times and somebody said, ‘Well, how many times has Donald Trump been elected?" Ron Paul said Monday on MSNBC's "Morning Joe." "Does he have really the right to criticize others and say they are unelect[able]?"

Is he rich, white, dumb, and have less than zero chance of unseating Barack Obama?

Nate Gunderson, a 34-year old Utah native who supports Romney, said Paul's tactics could diminish the significance of the annual contest. "If this happens year after year after year, people will stop caring about the straw poll." 

Ha ha, don't be silly Nate! Nobody cared about it in the first place.

“Am I bothered by the fact that Ron Paul stacked the deck? Not at all,” said Tom Medhurst, a 61-year-old Ohio native making his first visit to CPAC. “That’s politics, isn’t it?”

If you say so?

Not that any of this matters anyway, since the real winner won't be determined until the next round, when each candidate competes in the ever-important "Stomp on a Liberal Lady's Head" challenge, supervised by none other than the reigning champ of inappropriate physical violence aimed at defenseless citizens, Rep. Ron Paul's angrier, even more inexplicably rage-filled, similarly initialed, racist son Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky.

Finally, a real family values Republican everyone can get behind!

Or under.

Either one really.

Walk Like An Egyptian...Loudly, Relentlessly, & With An iPhone Twitter App Toward Democracy!

The Egyptian Revolution may not be televised (America don't take too kindly to Al Jazeera in her parts!) but it will most definitely be Facebooked and Tweeted and re-Tweeted ad nauseum.

Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, we're free at last!

Err, kind of.

I mean, Hosni Mubarak did finally step down as Egypt's default president-for-life, but not before first giving ridiculously offensive quitting speeches pretending to leave, a number of times, only to decide, eh, on second thought, he kind of likes this whole all-powerful, ruthless leader thing.

But lo and behold, the arrogant, grumpy old man and only Grandfather Egypt has known for the last thirty years finally decided the largest country in the Arab world has had enough Daddy Warbucks Mubarak (maybe the massive, nonstop rioting protesters tipped him off), and would be better served
maybe letting someone else be absolute ruler for a while.

Maybe even the whole Egyptian Army since they seem to love repressive police states so much!

According to the BBC:

Hosni Mubarak has decided to step down as president of Egypt.
In an announcement on state TV, Vice-President Omar Suleiman said Mr Mubarak had handed power to the military.
It came as thousands massed in Cairo and other Egyptian cities for an 18th day of protest to demand Mr Mubarak’s resignation.
Protesters responded by cheering, waving flags, embracing and sounding car horns. “The people have brought down the regime,” they chanted.

Hooray! The Egyptian Revolution is victorious! Which is really quite an achievement after only a few measly weeks of rag-tag yelling and shrieking in 140 characters or less. All hail the Twitter!

So now that ol' Hosni M is gone, the real question becomes, what happens next?

Will pure democracy just suddenly bloom like the beautiful begonia of freedom George W. Bush so bravely planted in Iraq?

Or will the Great Pyramid Party of 2011, Egyptapalooza's non-stop freedom bash be followed by the long, complicated, seemingly impossible process of constitutional negotiations between the people, Army, the Muslim Brotherhood, moderate/progressive opposition groups, business leaders, foreign powers, and all other concerned interests over the next year or so before anything even approaching free elections and/or a stable and responsive political system emerges?

Umm, yeah, most likely.

But until then, doesn't it make you feel all warm 'n fuzzy to know that something called the "The Supreme Council of the Egyptian Military Forces" now has complete control of the nation?

And all these military leaders have to do now is draft a new system of government that ably represents the demands of 80 million people unfamiliar with the democratic process in one of the most strategically important nations on Earth en route to supervising the constitutional transition of power!

Yeah, like that should be difficult.

Per usual, President Obama said all the right things, praising the peacefulness of the protesters, the restraint of the military, the emergence of a "new generation with boundless aspirations," and a transition that brings "all of Egypt's voices to the table."

And not surprisingly, the United States government has pledged to help where it can, but let's be serious. As long as the oil's pumping and our massive tankers don't run into any problems going through the Suez Canal, ol' Uncle Sam is pretty much cool with anything.

Hell, if Egypt ends up under the permanent rule of a Supreme Repressive Military Authoritarian Islamist Junta of Death, Sharia, and How To Lose A Democracy In Ten Days, but still manages to keep our gas-guzzling luxury SUVs filled with delicious petroleum, then that's good enough.

So be it!

Good thing, America's other, real president of social networking, Sarah Palin, understands that the U.S. of A can't just go around, supportin' freedom and the rule of Democratic law everywhere there's a protest and a pyramid.

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“We want to be able to trust those who are screaming for democracy there in Egypt, that it is a true sincere desire for freedoms. And the challenge that we have though, is how do we verify what it is that we are being told?”

Certainly not by listening to the shrieks of lamestream media, or Lord Allah forbid, evil Al Jazeera media elite terrorists!

“So now the information needs to be gathered and understood as to who it will be that fills now the void in the government. Is it going to be the Muslim Brotherhood? We should not stand for that, or with that or by that. Any radical Islamists, no that is not who we should be supporting and standing by. So we need to find out who was behind all of the turmoil and the revolt and the protests so that good decisions can be made in terms of who we will stand by and support.”

So true, SarBear! After all, a secular pragmatist like Sarah Palin knows that God should NEVER have an influence on politics or government or law and order.

And certainly not if that God happens to go by the ridiculous name Allah.

Jesus Christ, no!

I mean, it's not like weirdo Egyptians have feelings or anything. Besides, everyone knows those people couldn't truly want Democracy. Duh! They're Muslim.

The State Of The Union Is Strong Like...Smoked Salmon & Adult-Onset Diabetes!

Oooh, America, the excitement is in the air! Or maybe it's just the toxic greenhouse gases slowly asphyxiating Mother Earth now that the Obama Administration up and fired (finally!) its only real environmentalist, fierce tree-hugging hippie, now former White House energy adviser, Carol M. Browner, because who the hell needs a planet anyway?

Certainly not America, the greatest, most perfectest, most star spanglediest, God-blessed nation to ever grace the face of the Earth in the history of mankind!

This is an absolute, indisputable fact. Barack Obama knows this, of course, because he is the President of this most blessed union, and as such, is uniquely equipped with the ability to judge these sorts of matters.

And, turns out, a whopping 92% of his fellow 'mericans agree with him! They also approve of his special State of the Union speech about how America rocks the world even though we sometimes shoot our passionate, young elected officials in the head with high-capacity semi automatic weapons by accident in parched desert states where discrimination, bigotry and John McCain reign supreme.

It's not our fault! It's all the rhetoric's fault. Just ask Sarah Palin's crosshairs map or Sharron Angle's 2nd Amendment remedies! They'll tell you!

Anyhoo, where were we? Ah yes, America is the #1 bestest, most awesomest country in the whole wide world because of Sputnik (OMG, WAIT A MINUTE, THAT'S SOCIALISM, YOU COMMIE BASTARD!!!), and constantly re-inventing ourselves (ooooh like Madonna?) except through science and technology (he probably just means Facebook!), not cone-shaped bras and bad 80s pop music or whatever else makes esteemed Members of Congress sit or stand or applaud or fist pump or cringe or inappropriately shriek "You Lie!" from their respective locations in the back of the room.

Like all the really amazing-sounding SOTU stuff that makes Americans (who aren't dressed like their favorite cup of Earl Grey) feel all warm 'n caffeinated inside even if it doesn't mean anything, at least not in terms of actual governance.

Things like, say, job creation (yay!), a competitive economy (oops, think a couple GOP veins just exploded!), gross gays getting the right to shave their heads and get shot in remote Muslim countries in the desert like the rest of the 100% straight-as-Andrew Shirvell soldiers in the U.S. Armed Forces (okay, that was awkward!), surging stock markets & rising corporate profits (good lord, Boehner's already crying!), federal spending freezes (OH NO, Boehner's booze tears are flooding the place!), something about how the schools in RED(!) China (gasp!) are soooo much better because they teach their students how to do MATH, not METH (nice try, though, Wasilla!), and teach them the necessary skills for success in the 21st century.

Like how to be a slutty (fake) Italian orange midget with low self-esteem and an IQ equivalent to one of the cheap plastic trinkets with a Made in China sign and an unsafe, unregulated amount of toxins we can't stop buying with money we don't have.

Ummm, quick let's see what else before Boehner has a total nic fit right in front of everyone!

Oh yeah, America, is going to WIN THE MORNING! AND THE FUTURE! Because America was founded on innovation and ideas, like a negro slave is worth 3/5 of a human (hey, don't blame me, blame the Constitution!), "clean coal technology" (because you can totally change the amount of carbon released by burning coal, amiright?), “renewable energy will create jobs” (at least 5-10 per person, scout's honor!), how investing in a high-speed rail system ("faster than flying—without the pat-down!") is more viable than the Republican plan of loading people into artillery and launching them cannonball style in the general direction of their desired location, and what to do about the Mexicans who live here (bomb them?). No, the president says! We need comprehensive immigration reform, even if a few bombs would be cheaper!

And most importantly Salmon jokes. Lots of 'em! Plucked fresh from the stream of Sarah Palin's consciousness by a single, fell swoop of her Mama Grizzly claw!

"The Interior Department is in charge of salmon while they're in fresh water, but the Commerce Department handles them when they're in saltwater," Obama said. "I hear it gets even more complicated once they're smoked."

Huh? Where's the punchline?? Oh, hahahahaha! I get it! All the impending layoffs and salary freezes and out-of-work staffers at the Commerce and Interior departments because of evil bureaucracy, government regulation, 'n deficits, 'n stuff! HAHAHAHA, that's hilarious!

Remember, America, we do BIG THINGS!

I mean, have you even seen the Starbucks Trenta? Hell, have you ever even measured some of the waistlines at a Glenn Beck rally??