The Original Lipstick Covered Pig Hops On A Hog To Honor War Veterans...And Herself, Of Course!

While the rest of (fake) America guzzled beer and stuffed brats into their mouths, the nation's #1 favoritest patriot rumbled through Washington DC perched atop a badass Harley Davidson because nothing's more appropriate than Sarah Palin kicking off her presidential tour riding bitch on the back of a gas guzzlin' Hog.

That's right, folks! In honor of America's fallen war heroes, our dear wandering wonder from Wasilla donned a black leather jacket, hopped on a tricked out Harley, and celebrated Memorial Day with 400,000 or so other "Rolling Thunder" bikers dedicated to raising awareness of veterans' issues by riding steel death machines that run on evil foreign Muslim-terrorist fuel.

And even though Sgt. Sarah sadly didn't get to make a riveting speech thanking the crowd for honoring her terrible sacrifices serving the nation the U.S. Armed Forces her savings account, she did get the chance to blurt a bunch of dumb shit ("I love that smell of emissions!”) and scribble someone else's historic words on her hand.

AP reports:

On the windshield of Palin's bike: a likeness of President George W. Bush. Next to it, the words "Miss Me?" And on her hand, the words "justice rolls" were written in smeared ink.
It was an apparent reference to Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech, which is quoted on Palin's website: "We will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream."

This is either Sarah's lame attempt at biker-gang humor or Martin Luther King Jr.'s Famous Dream wasn't so much about racial equality for blacks, but that someday his vision could be plagiarized, compressed into two words, and smeared on some petty Fox News personality/pretend presidential candidate's paws to pander to the crowd at some dumb one-day biker fest she crashed.

Naturally, Palin avoided the awful lamestream media and opted instead to vent her thoughts at inanimate objects that don't talk back or ask meany, gotcha questions like what newspapers do you read and what is the purpose of your nationwide bus tour?

Palin didn’t take questions from reporters and, in keeping her social media strategy, offered her thoughts on her political website.
“There’s no better way to see D.C. than on the back of a Harley!”

Except maybe on the backs of POW/MIAs and all the other war vets she loves (exploiting) so much!

Besides, everyone knows you don't just give away ridiculous, nonsensical statements for free. You have to get people to go to your dumb website and click on that "Donate" button first. Then, you can tell all about how much you love America's wars and all the people who died fighting them.

Rolling Thunder national legislative director Ted Shpak said that Palin hadn’t been invited and that the group doesn’t endorse candidates, but “We can’t stop her from coming to ride.”

“If she wants to ride, that’s fine,” he said. “It is a big distraction because we’re not political.”

Psst, silly, neither is she!

Good thing too, because political jokes are usually total disasters anyway!

BP Apologizes For Failing To "Top Kill" Anything, Except Mother Earth, Of Course!

Howdy America and Happy Memorial Day to all of you, even those who aren't in the military and have done nothing to honor our soldiers except shove brats and burgers in your big. fat mouths while competing to see who can guzzle the most beers and smash the empty cans against their foreheads in the least amount of time, for freedom!

On this patriotic holiday, I hope you enjoy some fun in the sun (or rain) on your fine, federal day off from whatever menial job you normally dread every Monday-Friday, when not honoring scores of dead soldiers who died for America during any of the various invasions, battles, or star-spangled incursions to stop Hitler or avenge an attempt on Daddy's life by some desert madman named Saddam, or whatever the case may be.

Either way, enjoy the long weekend, because it may be your last now that BP oil spillageddon continues to douse marine wildlife and precious resources in layers of delicious petroleum, and flirt with the people frolicking around the coastal shores from Florida to Mississippi in the hopes of enjoying actual cool, refreshing water, not thick, slimy crude oil during their fun Memorial day at the beach.

That's right folks! Turns out BP's desperate, last-ditch effort to "plug the damn hole" via the awesomely-named "top kill" didn't in fact "kill" anything except our collective hope, and faith that BP can do anything even remotely competently except dupe the dumb public out of oceans of money, and actual non-toxic, Dihydrogen monoxide seas of life.

Tsk, tsk, silly Americans!

So, now that BP's latest, greatest "best chance" to seal the worst oil leak in U.S. history—by shoving a billion tons of filth, garbage, and basic garage sale items inside the spewing wound—has been a spectacular failure (despite it's supposed 70 percent chance of success), what terrible, new, sexily-named plan will the brilliant oil-clogged minds at BP come up with next?

“After three full days of attempting top kill, we now believe it is time to move on to the next of our options,” BP Chief Operations Officer Doug Suttles explained, admitting that they "don't know for certain why it failed," which is always very encouraging to hear!

In any case, now that the hardworking, capable minds at BP have been unable to stem the flow geyser of oil gushing from a mile beneath the Gulf of Mexico and onto America's coastal shores, using state-of-the-art techniques like shooting as many golf balls and rubber tires as humanly possible into the hole, in the hopes that the powerful combo of discarded junk and a few Hail Marys will do the trick, it is time to move on to the next comical-if-it-weren't-so-tragic "solution" to stop the oil from spillin' baby spillin'!

The new "fix" probably won't "work" either—and it might increase the bleeding crude “by as much as 20%.” But on the bright side, it may just start working in August, so good times ahead?

Or at least if you believe a hoity-toity, elitist "news"paper like the LA Times:

"BP’s plan to sever a leaking pipe as part of an effort to cap its runaway well in the Gulf of Mexico could increase flow by as much as 20%, and the oil giant has no remedy to stop up the well until August, Obama administration and company officials said Sunday. "

But hey, at least BP feels bad (sort of):

BP’s CEO said Sunday he’s sorry for the largest oil spill in U.S. history and the "massive disruption" it has caused the Gulf Coast, telling reporters the company hopes to corral most of the crude offshore.

"The first thing to say is I’m sorry," Tony Hayward said when asked what he would tell people in Louisiana, where heavy oil has already reached parts of the state’s southeastern marshes.

"We’re sorry for the massive disruption it’s caused their lives. There’s no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back."

You hear that, America?? He is incredibly sorry for all the death and destruction his wonderful company has caused, but even more for all the disruption you people have caused to his perfect, carefree life. He's a rich, global oil executive for crying out loud, not some common schlub who actually relies on the ocean for silly things like eating, drinking, and employment, instead of important BP things like padding his already flush, fattened wallet.

I mean what do you want him to do? Grab some gloves and a shovel and actually start cleaning the sh*t up himself?

Ha ha, now that's rich! Not as rich as he or any of the other caring, misunderstood BP executives responsible for devastating America's coastlines, but hey, close enough.

Hayward said the company is doing "everything we can to contain the oil offshore, but as far as I'm concerned, a cup of oil on the beach is a failure."

But an entire ocean of oil? Heckuva job, Tony!!

So, anyway, Happy Memorial Day...to the once thriving vast bodies of sustenance and life formerly known as the Ocean.

The last 3.8 billion years just wouldn't have been the same without you!

But, perhaps there's another 139 million square miles of precious, untapped open wilderness for you to destroy explore, where no one will mind a couple million barrels o' oil wreaking death and destruction every which way...

$arah Palin's backyard for instance?