Who Would Jesus Shoot? Other Than Bobby Jindal & The Entire Grand Obstructionist Party!

Exercise The (Oil) Demons, Bobby!

Yeeeeehaaaaww America! The moment you've been waiting, hoping, and praying for your entire life has finally arrived, and just in the nick of time! In case somethin' disastrous happens, like say, demonic blobs of British Petroleum ooze up from the shores and burst through your quiet, neighborhood church in Louisiana, threatening to devour every terrified congregant. Every last God-fearing one of 'em!

Not if fearless leader and howdy doody look-alike, Piyush "Bobby" Jindal has anything to say about it!

Thanks to the governor's sage wisdom and savvy leadership skills (especially in times of crisis!), residents in Louisiana may still be unable to swim along the coastlines or catch nary a shrimp or oyster to feed their starving families, but they will be able to carry concealed weapons into houses of worship just in case any evil, oil glob monsters slink their way from the shores of the Gulf to Sunday mass at St. Mary's Church.

That's right y'all! With one swift stroke of the pen, Governor Bobby Jindal's signed into law a new bill that some residents (those with brains) up in arms:

State Rep. Henry Burns’ bill would authorize persons who qualified to carry concealed weapons having passed the training and background checks to bring them to churches, mosques, synagogues or other houses of worship as part of a security force.

The pastor or head of the religious institution must announce verbally or in weekly newsletters or bulletins that there will be individuals armed on the property as members of he security force. Those chosen have to undergo eight hours of tactical training each year...

The bill also allows a house of worship to hire off-duty police or security guards to protect congregants.

Wooohooo!! Glad to see Jindal continuing to make wonderful executive decisions, and prove he's got his Grand Old Priorities straight, in these trying times when luxurious oil is creepin' baby creepin' all around Louisiana's once-pristine, water-based coast. On the bright side, most Southern dishes can now be made by headin' straight down to the Gulf, and flash-frying your ingredient(s) of choice right there on the beach. It's perfect for fried chicken, butterfly shrimp, even your favorite Cajun stir fry!

Now, you may remember ol' Bayou Bob as the adorable baby-faced token minority and rising Republican star whose refusal to accept big, bad government money for his desperately poor, disaster-ravaged state made him a fleeting darling of the right and anyone else who values ridiculous, self-serving (political) grandstanding and nonsensical, ineffectual ideas as the preferred method of handling a crisis.

Well Bobby doesn't miss a beat, because he knows the only thing standing between his precious Louisiana voters and giant, amorphous blobs of crude oil, fish bones, and bird feathers who prey on the pious, is strapping semi-automatics on every old, churchgoing patriot in the Parish. Unlike stupid federal funds, cleanup workers, or scientifically sound solutions to stopping the oil spill, Bobby relies on his own two-sen$e and unshakable belief that the good Lord would never let anything bad to happen to beautiful, Christian Louisiana!

This is very important, people! An absolute, undeniable, irrefutable fact, despite what those pesky Hurricane Katrina truthers may try to tell you!

"We don't have time for meetings, we don't have time for red tape," Jindal said. "Get in the game to win."

We don't even have time for smart ideas that actually work, only hysterical nonsense that make terrible policy but great soundbytes, because isn't that what is really important here?

Duh! As Herm Edwards knows, "You play to win the game!" And everyone knows the coastal devastation and complete destruction of an entire ecosystem is nothing more than an awesome, fun, relaxing game of poolside pinochle.

Which helps explain why bumbling Bobby J has been huffin' and helicopterin' all over the state, publicly bashing the Administration while secretly begging Barry for big, bad government money, all while coming up with his own awesome plans like packin' heat in pews, and untenable "rock jetty proposals" which the entire scientific community dismiss as ludicrous, dangerous, and potentially more problematic than the renegade oil itself. Oooh, even better!

"No is not a plan," the governor reiterated at a press conference.

It's our entire way of life!

Which helps explain why Jindal's approach to millions of gallons of crude (foreign, gasp!) oil lapping at the shores of Louisiana makes about as much sense as his approach to every other challenge in his path, like say encouraging citizens to come to Sunday services strapped with a Glock 22 beneath their (endangered) animal hide belt as a very reasonable, effective way to fight crime. Hooray!

Sort of like how Bobby's been shriekin' and hollerin' against evil Socialist government aid for his entire dweeby existence, slashing state oil spill funds by 50%, crafting oil spill contingency plan's featuring "pages of blank charts," worst-case scenario plans labeled "to be developed," and sealing the state's oil spill response records...for Freedom! That is until it's his broke-ass, backwards, Commie-hatin' state that needs help, and he's reduced to a sniveling hypocrite begging and crying for some of Uncle Sam's scrilla.

Sure, Jindal may have accepted accepting only 1,053 out of 6,000 available National Guards, but he's been doin' tons of helicopter rides and screaming, which is just as good as actual trained troops, no?

Besides, if all else fails, Bobby can always round up heat-packing parishioners from across the Bayou State, bring 'em down to the oil-drenched coasts, and have 'em shoot the bejesus right out of their now-flaming and bullet ridden waters.

Show that darn oil what happens when scary foreign substances try to wash up on Louisiana's shores. And unlike Arizona, they shoot first, ask questions later!

While it may be true that if you need a gun at church, you may be in the wrong place of worship, but certainly in the perfect place for a li'l beachfront firefight to make sure whatever wasn't already decimated by toxic ooze is rewarded with a warm welcome of lovely Louisiana lead instead.

And with the highest rate of gunfire death in the country (double the national rate!), you better believe these faithful, Jeebus-lovin', Bible-thumpin', heat-packin' Bayou boys 'n gals know how to aim, baby aim, even if BP doesn't.

Praise the Lord, pass the ammunition & let us say Amen.

If Big Banks Are The Ants In Obama's Nuclear Destruction, Does That Make The GOP The Decaying Fungus That Nourishes Them?

What do you do when a desperate, scientifically unexplainable, glowing orange Boehner starts spouting his equally boneheaded opinions on __________ (fill in the blank with whatever subject he is currently waxing pathetic poetic about)?

Why, you naturally give that big Boehner a slap upside the head for having the tangelos big enough to even so much as suggest any sentient, flesh-colored human being would ever take seriously the words of some bumbling, electric beach bum with an odd glow, and even odder sense of reality!

While Mr. Boehner stopped just short of predicting a complete Republican takeover of Congress, America's favorite, uniquely hued minority leader did say that a backlash against President Obama's policies has energized Republican voters more than Democrats. Especially the white hood and robe wearing ones! And boy are they pissssssed!

"The American people have written off the Democrats," Boehner told the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. "They're willing to look at us again."

For like 15-20 seconds max. Then the lethal combination of heat and UV radiation emanating from his face forces them to quickly look away, for fear of deep 3rd degree burns and/or severe sunstroke.

But not this marvel of modern science, whose incredible ability to withstand searing temperatures that would incinerate or melt most normal people, comes with the unfortunate side-effect of reduced oxygen flow to the brain, and temporary lapses in cognitive functioning.

"They're snuffing out the America that I grew up in," Boehner said. "Right now, we've got more Americans engaged in their government than at any time in our history. There's a political rebellion brewing, and I don't think we've seen anything like it since 1776."

Or at least that's what John McCain tells me, and he would know too, being as he was right there with them, donning waistcoat, powdered wig, and false wooden teeth with the rest of the founding fathers as they rather obnoxiously threw off the delightfully caring British yoke with one definitive stroke of a pheasant quill pen in a packed Pennsylvania State House.

Take it from this House Minority Tanning Bed Salesman: "The health care law passed in March pushed most Americans over the edge."

Yes, their splattered remains are now being treated by actual doctors of medicine in accredited hospitals, not danced on wildly, then sold piece-by-piece by health insurance companies, starting with the legs (cha-ching!) and working down form there to the smaller extremities, until every last dripping red cent is extracted from their poor tattered corpses, and placed into the deep, never-ending, blood-stained pockets of the health care companies where it belongs.

"We are going to do everything we can to make sure that this law and this program never really takes effect," Boehner said.

Like cry, pout, scream and shout until we hyperventilate, our faces turn blue, and we're forced to breathe slowly into a paper bag to avoid passing out from our own, very mature, respectable temper tantrums for freedom.

Yay, bankruptcy and death for all! Wooohooo! Just like the good ol' days!

"They're going to need money from the Congress to hire these 20,000-plus bureaucrats they need to hire to make this program work. They're not going to get one dime from us."

We only come a dime a dozen these days!

Speaking of shiny metal coins, Mr. Minority Boehner has a bone to pick with NObama's terrible, socialist, evil Kenyan financial regulatory overhaul to help protect consumers, reign in banks' predatory lending practices, and restore some semblance of sanity to America's out-of-control "too big to fail" yet "too monstrous to work" banking industry.

In other words, a perfect system, until the grubby government paws started poking every which way.

"This is killing an ant with a nuclear weapon," Boehner said. "What's most needed is more transparency and better enforcement by regulators."

Ah yes, the rare kind of ant that hemorrhages 8 million jobs, loses $17 trillion in retirement savings and net worth, and sparks the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.

Poor little bugger!

But comparing the financial crisis to a poor little ant makes the Democrats and Dear Leader become very angry red fire ants, who insist that we don't "just need a little ant swatter to fix this thing."

The glowing orange bug zapper in the House would surely work better than that!

Someone ought to tell that rotting orange peel that ants are very strong (like George W. Bush strong!) and can lift like 3,000 times their own weight or something crazy like that. Kind of like the financial industry's disproportionate influence on Glowing Orange Puppets in Washington.

So, perhaps not the best metaphor John?

Besides, you don't need a nuclear bomb to kill an ant. Those are used solely for killing lots of Japanese people, and also maybe a giant gushing oil well, along with its once-thriving, now oil-drenched wildlife in the Gulf.

Speaking of making a mountains out of anthills (wait, or was it molehills?), Boehner also had some choice words for Obama's gay overreaction to BP's beautiful experimentation with oil painting over the once water-colored Gulf of Mexico.

Because Boehner knows, the spill might warrant a "pause" in deepwater drilling, but Obama's blanket ban on drilling in the gulf could devastate the region's economy.

I mean where would Louisiana, Mississippi, Florida, and the rest of America's Southern coast be without dead and dying tar-covered marine carcasses washing up on their now blackened, toxic beaches?

Who will come down to their oily shores, fill up their hotel rooms, eat at their seaside restaurants, and visit their luxurious petroleum-lined shores once the good BP workers leave them to their own Hazmat suit and latex rubber glove clad, petroleum scrubbing selves?

Tourists?? Ha ha, good one, Bones!

Of course, there was one area that Boehner, and likely the rest of the Grand Old Peace haters, had nothing but good things to say about the way President Obama has handled himself: the war in Afghanistan, duh!

Boehner naturally praised Obama's troop surge in Afghanistan and increased drone attacks in Pakistan, while declining to list any actual benchmarks for measuring progress in our nine-year military engagement, because such noble things as war don't need silly humans interfering with God's master plan of endless military struggles with no viable exit strategy in parched desert wastelands halfway across the globe.

Some things are too sacred!

"Ensuring there's enough money to pay for the war will require reforming the country's entitlement system, Boehner said, adding that he'd favor increasing the Social Security retirement age to 70 for people who have at least 20 years until retirement, tying cost-of-living increases to the consumer price index rather than wage inflation and limiting payments to those who need them."

It's called get your Grand Old Priorities straight, people!

"We need to look at the American people and explain to them why we're broke," Boehner said.

Umm, you're lookin' at it??

"If you have substantial non-Social Security income while you're retired, why are we paying you at a time when we're broke? (That's the American taxpayer's job, silly!) We just need to be honest with people."

Ha ha, just kidding! That's more of a loser Democrat/Obama thing.

Sooooo not us! We'll just stick to robbing our favoritest Automated Teller Machines, the American Public blind, and lying right to their Gullible Old Poverty stricken faces.

Silly Boehner! Everyone knows ants don't care about money anyway.

Foot, Meet Mouth: Six Reasons Why The GOP Doesn't Need Deep Sea Oil Rigs To Spew Toxic Goo From Gaping Holes

If you thought BP was the only one spillin' baby spillin' toxic oily goo uncontrollably out of big, leaking holes, think again my friends!

Never underestimate the Grand Oil Puppets' uncanny ability to take a national disaster of epic proportions, and use the tragedy for their own personal and political gain by saying something even more flammable, noxious, and vomit-inducing than millions of gallons of luxurious crude oil pouring into America's once thriving coastal shores.

Ladies and germs, I present you with the top six slick GOP oil spill slip-ups, not involving dead marine mammals and/or feathered carcasses washin' up along America's now deadly beaches, but rather thick gunk oozing from the deep wells between their noses and chins.

Drum roll, please!

1. Rand Paul
Rand Paul has gone AWOL from the lamestream media, likely because every time he opens his big fat trap to anyone with a mic, he ends up saying something awful about how (even though he's not racist or anything, and loooooves the Civil Rights Act of 1964), the big bad govern'ent should keep their grubby paws out of the private sector and stop forcing nice, American businesses to not be terrible and racist. Like, if Woolworth's wants to force black people to eat at separate lunch counters and/or put up a big, ol’ Whites Only sign on their front door, who is the dumb, stupid evil government to tell 'em otherwise?

Same goes for that terrible NObama pesterin' the good folks over at BP who want nothing more than to be left to their own noble oil-dumpin', marine-destroyin' devices!

"What I don't like from the president's administration is this sort of, 'I'll put my boot heel on the throat of BP,'" Paul said in an interview with ABC's Good Morning America. "I think that sounds really un-American in his criticism of business."

Why, America hasn't been this unpatriotic since rudely throwing off the nice British yoke back in 1776, around the time "Doctor" Rand Paul's beliefs were actually still fashionable. Umm, can you say Rand Paul for President of America? Errr, better make that of pure, white America...you can go ahead and keep dem coloreds to yourself, we're sure ol' Rand won't mind one Libertarian bit.

2. Michele Bachmann
Everyone's favorite unstable Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachmann knows a thing or two 'bout takin' a terrible tragedy and turnin' it into a golden wingnut opportunity to blast that no-good half-black Kenyan Devil in the White House for taking a completely irresponsible "hands off" approach to the oil crisis on "DAY ONE" when they should have been all over that sh*t, like umm, well, British Petroleum on American beaches.

Ol' Minnesota blue eyes simply does not understand why the government was "nowhere to be found" after the Deepwater Horizon rig exploded (pssst, Michele you have to actually open your eyes, not rely on the power of Jesus to see) since in reality, Obama and Co., arrived within hours of the disaster. But no one knows better than Bachmann what a drag truth and facts can be, not to mention, they are inherently un-American and against the Constitution in her head.

Which is why she would like to know just why on God's (once-green) Earth the government hadn't put on their Socialist Scuba gear and "commandeered" privately-owned boats to "deal with that oil plume as it was coming up to the water."

Oh, Michy why don't you be a dear, throw on the ol' flippers and wetsuit, and dive on down to Deepwater to plug that darned hole with your own perfectly capable, freshly manicured, Christ-guided hands. Don't worry, your makeup is water resistant (and animal-tested!) plus there's no gross slimy fish, or living creatures of any sort to bother you on your way down to the dark abyss below.

Just think of it as a practice run for your next eternal plunge to the dank netherworld far beneath the surface of the Earth. Don't forget to say hi to your hero and favoritest freedom fighter while you're there. No, not Jesus of Nazareth, silly! Your other savior, Hitler of Bavaria!
 
3. Sarah Palin
When not tweetbookin' bout drillin' baby drillin', America's beloved former half-term Governor of tundras and moose is busy blamin' baby blamin' the usual suspects like extreme greenies and other hippie-dippie environmental enemies of Mother Earth for spillin, baby spillin' up 'n down America's shores.

Maybe for her next great, Pulitzer-worthy piece of American literature, $arah Palin can write all about how she single-handedly plugged the darn hole usin' nothin' but her magical diamond-encrusted, cotton-tipped, Jesus-blessed hockey stick and a hearty dose of that good, ol' fashioned can-do 'merican spirit.

Miss Bachmann better get goin' lest some other brainless beauty from the snowy north beat her to the bottom and steal her heroic, oil-pluggin' thunder! They don't call her the Barracuda for nuthin'! Wink, wink!

4. Haley Barbour
Fat, dumb Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour isn't one to dwell on silly, insignificant little mistakes of the past, like enslaving an entire race to keep cotton costs low. It was simply savvy business maneuvers and everyone (or at least 3/5ths) knows what is good for business is good for America, slavery included! No thanks to those no-good Northern Aggressors always tryin' to tell decent Southern folk how to build up their economy, without even chaining human beings to the bottom of boats and giving them the unique, one-of-a-kind opportunity to be sold at bargain basement prices to the highest bidder. A real steal!

Same goes for silly li'l nothing oil spills, which Barbour knows is nothing like Exxon-Valdez (ugh, sounds Mexicany), but more like delicious caramel mousse, harmless toothpaste, and the pretty fuel sheen surrounding speed boats.

"We don't wash our face in it, but it doesn't stop us from jumping off the boat to ski," Barbour said.

Of course, the biggest threat to Mississippi's coast has been the arugula eating elitist mainstream media's coverage of the spill, givin' people the wrong  impression that "the coast from Florida to Texas is ankle-deep in oil, which is of course very, very bad for our tourist season," the most importantist thing in the world!

"It may be hard for the viewer to understand but the worst thing for us has been how our tourist season has been hurt by the misperception of what is going on down here. The Mississippi Gulf Coast is beautiful. As I tell people, the coast is clear, come on down!"

"Come on down here and play golf, enjoy the beach, catch a fish and pay a little sales tax while you're here," he said.

Just don't forget your hazmat suits, goo-gone, protective goggles, and industrial size bucket to put all the delicious oil-infused fish you catch scoop up from the beach.

But remember those babies sure do burn, so use caution when tossin' the day's catch on the barbie, or you may have your very own Deepwater explosion right in your own backyard. For America, wooohooo!

5. John Boehner
House Minority Leader John Boehner is just thankful something besides his face has finally turned a oddly glowing, likely toxic, unnatural shade of orange even if it is America's entire Gulf Coast, that he is ready to let bygones be bygones. Enough of this petty blame game (except when directed towards those who deserve it like DEMONcrats and/or NObama)!

It is time to move forward and act like responsible, mature adults when flip-flopping and contradicting oneself in order to simultaneously appease Big Oil, the overlords in the Chamber of Commerce, and of course the nagging public who keep cryin' poor every time the GOP tries to take their hard-earned taxpayer money to pay for the greasy death 'n destruction their their awesome, slick, hands-off deregulation of beloved oil conglomerates caused. Whoops!

Hey, nobody's perfect right?

Err, except the world's greatest oil company, and most skilled man-made disaster cleanup crew ever assembled: no, not BP, the Glowing Orange Party, of course!

6. Joe Barton

Which naturally brings us to our final Southern fried f**k up, good ol' Joe Barton of good ol' Texas. A wondrous, brilliant man whose world-famous apology to the poor, misunderstood CEO of BP Tony Hayward is only one small piece of this man's stellar record of public service.
Besides the Saints and Samaritans at BP, no one stands up for the rights of the "small people" more than Grand Old Pariah, fightin' Joe Barton. And by small people, we of course mean the poor, innocent victims of NObama's evil $20 billion government shakedown, forced to pay out of their own endless pockets to cover the hefty costs of covering an entire ocean with delicious crude oil, imported all the way from Britain! Is this any way to treat a guest??

"I think it is a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown, in this case a $20 billion shakedown," Barton said. "I'm only speaking for myself, I'm not speaking for anybody else. But I apologize. I do not want to live in a country where any time a citizen or a corporation does something that is legitimately wrong, is subject to to some sort of political pressure that is, again, in my words, amounts to a shakedown. So I apologize."

I mean what kind of world would it be, if every time some greedy, out-of-control oil conglomerate tries to get sinfully rich by destroying an entire ecosystem, they're actually held responsible for their reckless actions turning boring blue to luscious black?

Why that sounds like a nightmare, a hellish doomsday vision that Joe Barton for one, wants no part of and nothing, I said, nothing, is gonna change ever change that, ever!

He has principles, people! The kind that may top kill Flipper, Flounder, and every last coastal fisherman's livelihood, but doesn't stop spillin' baby spillin' the only kind of green worth anything (it ain't algae!) right into his big, fat, oily fingers.

What's that you say?? Oh, ooops, we're terribly sorry!

Smithers, get this man a napkin, on the double! For Christ's sake, he's got some very important tweetin' to do and doesn't need any greasy smudge stains or oily fish remains screwing up his fine, wisdom-filled, 140 character-limited, apology-laden messages.

Joe is perfectly capable of doing that all by his own greasy, toxic, limited character self!

And unlike BP, he doesn't even need to dive several miles beneath the sea to plug the gaping hole uncontrollably spewing toxic waste.

God purposely located it for maximum plugging convenience. In case of emergency, like say, whenever he opens his mouth.

Like Crude Oil On Marine Mammals, Rep. Joe Barton Sticks To The Sage Words Of Rep. Joe Barton

When Joe Barton felt the sweet, seductive allure of those fifteen minutes of hot, sexy oil-soaked fame, he just couldn't resist! It felt soooooo good finally getting the attention for once, and having people listen to him instead of that orange Boehner for a change. Now, there's a change Joe can certainly believe in!

You know what else Joe "BP" Barton can believe in? Delicious oil! And not just any delicious oil, but ooodles and oodles of delicious British Petroleum, spillin' good, old fashioned grease all over America's once-pristine, life-filled shores en route to spillin' good old fashioned dollar bills right into Joe's grease-stained wallet.

And this time, he's not apologizing or even apologizing for apologizing about being an actual oil industry millionaire whore who feels terrible for all the headaches America caused BP by allowing the oil company to destroy the entire Gulf of Mexico, and then forcing it to pay for all the death and destruction like some enslaved janitor in Hitler's Nazi regime.

Or something like that...

And now that GOP leadership has taken the appropriate disciplinary actions (public scoldings, secret high-fives!), followed by a light slap on his chunky wrist, and a few fun minutes pretending he was actually going to lose his spot as the ranking Republican on the powerful House Energy Committee (ha ha, puh-lease!), isn't time we move on? For America and Freedom!

Because what America needs now isn't more insincere apologies (or sincere unapologies) from fat Texas oil men, whose tiny, frozen hearts break for the inconvenience this terrible Nazi government has caused BP in their noble quest to destroy America's ecosystem, economy, and once-thriving marine wildlife, as payback for that little tea incident back in 1773, when the GOP was still vibrant, fresh, and relevant.

What America needs is to move forward, forgive and forget, let bygones be bygones!

Don't we owe it to Joe Barton? Don't we owe it to our poor, oil-drenched selves?

Following a closed-door meeting of Republicans today, House Minority Leader Rep. John Boehner, R-Ohio, told reporters that Barton apologized to fellow GOP lawmakers for his “poor choice of words” and the “issue is closed,” The Hill reports.

HOORAY, the issue is closed, shut, finito! And Joe Barton is, of course, deeply sorry from the bottom of his cold, oil-filled heart for his "poor choice of words" because what he really meant to say was "WHO THE HELL IS THIS BLACK DEVIL IN THE WHITE HOUSE AND WHY IS HE TAKING ALL THE MONEY FROM THIS NICE BRITISH COMPANY ALL BECAUSE THEY MURDERED FLIPPER, PILLAGED OUR RESOURCES, AND RAPED OUR ENVIRONMENT, WHILE GETTING FILTHY RICH TURNING OUR COASTAL SHORES INTO FILTHY, OIL-SLICKED DEATH TRAPS, WITH NARY A SHRIMP TO CALL ITS OWN?"

Quick, someone alert the Democrats that the issue is "officially closed" so Joe Barton doesn't end up in every Democratic campaign ad showing how awesome and caring the Grand Oil Puppets are, and how they would treat a reckless, out-of-control oil conglomerate spillin' baby spillin' all over America, whose dirty money they depend on, if they were in charge.

You think BP's $20 billion escrow fund was a government "shakedown" just wait til you see what the GOP would do to those damn fisherman! Shakedown, hahaha, they'd freakin' hurricane those poor boating bastards.

Oooh, but wait! There's more good news for the GOP: The lamestream media is reporting that two more people just died working on the containment(?) effort, and the well is suddenly gushing TONS MORE crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico. Which means it is the absolute perfect time to ensure Joe Barton's position as the highest ranking Republican and dirtiest oil industry shill on the House energy committee.

According to a new Public Policy Poll:

Texans think that Barack Obama’s right and Joe Barton’s wrong when it comes to BP’s responsibility for cleaning up the oil spill, and a plurality of voters in the state think Barton should lose his leadership post on the Energy and Commerce Committee. The episode is also having a negative impact on how Texas voters perceive Barton overall.

Yay!! The Republicans really don’t want to win the House. Governing can be sooooooo annoying, anyway.

Will someone please get Joe Barton off the Twitter and into a Mystic Spray tanning bed so he can be our next awesome, oddly glowing Republican Speaker of the House and continue his selfless work unapologizing for apologizing for his apology, which he never really meant in the first place.

America could really use a slick unclogged mind as crystal clear and fresh as our coastal shores used to be.

Ya know, to really shake things up down.

Surprise! Famed Congressional Punching Bag Tony Hayward Saved By Even Bigger Oil Whore Joe Barton's Apology Heard 'Round The World

Corporate troll and Grand Old Pariah, Rep. Joe Barton of Texas, the ranking member of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, went out on a limb to prove he is in fact, the Grade-A douchebag everyone suspected by, wait for it...apologizing to poor BP for the terrible inconvenience America has caused the oil company for little more than covering its entire Southern coast with delicious British Petroleum and death. Like big whoop, right?

While the rest of Congress was naturally unleashing their furious wrath on the gross incompetence of BP CEO Tony Hayward, who will soon have his life back now that BP’s chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg will take over his job caring for the "small people," Rep. Joe Barton was of course begging for forgiveness from Hayward over President NObama's shameful decision to force his beautiful oil conglomerate to create a $20 billion escrow fund to pay out damages to victims of the oil spill, likely not including those currently washing up on coastal shores covered in thick toxic goo.

"I'm speaking totally for myself and I’m not speaking for the Republican Party and I’m not speaking for anybody in the House of Representatives but myself, but I’m ashamed of what happened in the White House yesterday. I think it’s a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown. In this case, a $20 billion shakedown with the Attorney General of the United States who is legitimately conducting a criminal investigation and has every right to do so to protect the interests of the American people participating in what amounts to a $20 billion slush fund that’s unprecedented in our nation’s history that’s got no legal standing and what I think sets a terrible precedent for the future."

A terrible, no-good precedent allowing a corporation as pure and beautiful as British Petroleum to be treated in such an unseemly manner by a U.S. president, an illegal, black U.S. president, no less!

That ain't how Texas rolls y'all!

But even the big business-lovin' Republicans who usually enjoy nothing more than bathing in luxurious crude oil and similar BP-provided contaminants, think their fellow Grand Oil Puppet may have gone a step too far.

Like Florida Rep. Jeff Miller, whose very city of Pensacola will soon be completely covered in greasy BP greed, negligence, and death all because Hayward and Co., decided a devastating oil rig explosion was more desirable than spending even one red cent to prevent such maritime disasters from happening in the first place.

That would make too much sen$e!

"I am shocked by Congressman Joe Barton's reprehensible comments that the government should apologize for the ‘shakedown’ of BP," Miller said. "BP has caused the greatest ecological and environmental disaster our nation has ever seen. They are the responsible party and they should pay for losses and damages, not the taxpayer. I am optimistic and hopeful that BP acted in good faith by opening the $20 million escrow account, as several of us have requested."

"Mr. Barton’s remarks are out of touch with this tragedy and I feel his comments call into question his judgment and ability to serve in a leadership on the Energy and Commerce Committee. He should step down as Ranking Member of the Committee."

Whoa, whoa, easy there, Congressman! Not his fancy shmancy committee seat!! Anything but that!! C'mon you can understand, can't you? After all, you do sit on the "same committee that sets out Republican policy and used the exact same language in opposing the administration's effort to hold BP accountable to families and small businesses of the Gulf by making BP fund a $20 billion accountability trust," don't you?

Oh, details! Never mind those. The point is that even the vile, heartless Grand Old relics in Congress realize that unfortunately, in this rare case, the lesser of the two evils happens to be our terrible, socialist president, and as such, siding with big, bad BP is not only kind of insane, PR-wise, but legally untenable, and will probably backfire and bite them all in the behinds come November. In other words, totally not worth it!

"I have said since the beginning that BP ought to be held responsible for every dime of this tragedy," John Boehner said, growing increasingly orange with every breath. "And they ought to be held accountable to stop the leak and get it cleaned up as soon as possible.”

Just like I ought to take Joe Barton, bind him to Tony Hayward using Michael Steele's trusty ropes 'n chains and drown 'em both in a vat of scalding black oil!

“What is shameful is that Joe Barton seems to have more concern for big corporations that caused this disaster than the fishermen, small-business owners and communities whose lives have been devastated by the destruction," White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said.

"Congressman Barton may think that a fund to compensate these Americans is a ‘tragedy,’ but most Americans know that the real tragedy is what the men and women of the Gulf Coast are going through right now.”

And just think of what poor Tony Hayward is going through now that his lovely summer vacation has been cut short, along with the lives of every aquatic organism used to breathing through non-oil saturated gills. Bummer!

Good thing hard-hitting Democratic Reps. Bart Stupak of Michigan and Henry Waxman of California, whose staff uncovered the bulk of what’s now known about the sh*t-show known as the Deepwater Horizon oil rig, also gave it to Hayward, who is now seen as the second-worst oil whore thanks to Rep. Joe Barton's rapid ascent to the top.

“BP cut corner after corner to save a million dollars here and a few hours or days there,” Waxman said. “And now the whole Gulf Coast is paying the price.”

But, on the bright side, at least BP isn't stuck with the bill. Which should make a certain deep-oil fried Texan happier than a pig in grease, aka our coastal waters!

Blasting Hayward for his petulant, smug comment about wanting his rich, high flying, consequence-be damned, oil executive life back, Stupak said he is “more concerned than ever” with the corporate culture at BP.

“I’m sure you’ll get your life back, with a golden parachute back to England,” Stupak said.

Then maybe he can finally apologize to the Nazis on behalf of Joe Barton for inconveniencing them during World War II. He's felt terrible about it for like ages now!

Of course, when he finally got a chance to testify, and prove to the world that he really is the British version of Dick Cheney, Tony Hayward insisted his company has made strides in instituting safe operations (wink, wink!) and brushed aside claims that the Deepwater Horizon explosion occurred because of unsafe drilling procedures.

Hayward said that he thinks “it’s too early to reach conclusions” about what caused the disaster.

Though he does have a sneaking suspicion it has something to do with the boogie man.

“We have focused like a laser on safe and reliable operations, that is a fact,” Hayward said.

A death star laser, mwhahahahaha!

Much like the Wall Street heroes before him, and the SS officers before them, Hayward pulled the ol' "It wasn't me" and "I was just following orders" defense when facing the sharp questions from the Democratic and Republican anger bears in Congress.

Hayward said he “wasn’t involved in any of that decision making” in relation to the drilling of now-exploded well, and noted that BP drills “hundreds of wells a year all around the world.”

I mean who know all the millions of animals we've killed, and miles of open resource-filled ocean we've laid to waste by now? Who do you think we are scientists or global CEO's who actually know what we're talking about or better yet, actually give a shit? Ha ha, try that soft micro nerd with the glasses and the PC, ya wacky Americans!

Meanwhile, that other Joe who always gets into big f**king trouble for saying big stupid f**king things, Vice President Joe Biden finally got to yell at someone else for saying something outrageous and boneheaded.

"This is an entire way of life that's in jeopardy," Biden said. He said he's surprised that Barton would say he's "ashamed" because the White House is being "tough on an oil company who caused the problem." Biden added, "There's no shakedown, it's insisting on responsible conduct, [a] responsible response to something they caused."

Exactly! What's the problem!? That's the very definition of a shakedown according to the Grand Oil Party's handy pocket dictionary and A-Z guide on how to ruin a coastline, bankrupt a country, destroy an ecosystem, and kill all the goodness in the world in eight quick years or less!

In a rare joint statement, the three blind mice House GOP leaders John Boehner, Eric Cantor and Mike Pence condemned Rep. Barton's statements as wrong, and said, "The oil spill in the Gulf is this nation's largest natural disaster and stopping the leak and cleaning up the region is our top priority."

Right after we plug that other disastrous black hole in the White House, leaking common sense and intelligence all over the once-pure BP-subsidiary known as the United States of Exxon-Mobil.

Valdez sounded a little too Mexicany for their liking, don't ya think?

$arah Palin Knows BP's Oil Spill Can Only Be Blamed On..."Extreme Greenies" & Probably Those Stupid Marine Animals Too!

$arah Palin sure get's it. But do you, America? Do you get it??

Because when patron St. $arah was leading thousands of morons chanting her favoritest slogans, "drill, baby drill" and "drill here, drill now," what she really meant was that we should in no way, shape, or form, be doing exploratory offshore drilling, baby, exploratory offshore drilling because that's dangerous, not to mention, not very kind to Mother Earth!

How could we have been so blind, baby blind??

You see, $arah knows all about the complexities, risks, and dangers of power drilling into the ocean floor, huntin' for delicious petroleum, which is why she only discusses these weighty matters using very important tween social networking sites in 140 (ghostwritten) characters or less.

That way, her wildly irresponsible, brainless calls to destroy, baby destroy! protected wilderness reserves (you betcha!) or anywhere scores of marine animals congregate or fragile ecosystems exist, are safe from misinterpretation by the dumb masses who think her catchy slogans somehow imply that we should drill the bejesus out of any and everywhere for awesome, American oil!

This is soooooo not the case! As if our sweet $arah would ever utter meaningless, nuance-free phrases that allow her to take any stance she wants, in the extremely unlikely case that one of her brilliant ideas go terribly awry and who knows, maybe even spill, baby spill! gallons of savory oil up 'n down America's coast.

Not this maverick hockey mom lipstick wearin' pig and resident expert in every subject like keepin' an unwinkin' eye on Russia from her front porch, how to lose an ecosystem in 10 days or less, and of course, how to turn a national catastrophe into a personal opportunity (cha-ching!) for her favoritest $arah!

Well, thank heavens we have someone like $arah to sift through the dead dolphins, greasy ooze, and lamestream media LIES to bring us, the unknowing public, the Palin-rific truth about drillin' for oil in a fun, convenient Facebook post she didn't even write.

From her Idiotbook Facebook:

"This is a message to extreme 'environmentalists' who hypocritically protest domestic energy production offshore and onshore. There is nothing “clean and green” about your efforts. Look, here’s the deal: when you lock up our land, you outsource jobs and opportunity away from America and into foreign countries that are making us beholden to them. Some of these countries don’t like America. Some of these countries don’t care for planet earth like we do – as evidenced by our stricter environmental standards."

"With your nonsensical efforts to lock up safer drilling areas, all you’re doing is outsourcing energy development, which makes us more controlled by foreign countries, less safe, and less prosperous on a dirtier planet. Your hypocrisy is showing. You’re not preventing environmental hazards; you’re outsourcing them and making drilling more dangerous."

"Extreme deep water drilling is not the preferred choice to meet our country’s energy needs, but your protests and lawsuits and lies about onshore and shallow water drilling have locked up safer areas. It’s catching up with you. The tragic, unprecedented deep water Gulf oil spill proves it."

"We need permission to drill in safer areas, including the uninhabited arctic land of ANWR. It takes just a tiny footprint – equivalent to the size of LA’s airport – to tap America’s rich and plentiful oil and gas up north. ANWR’s drilling footprint is like a postage stamp on a football field."

In other words, like $arah's tiny pea-sized brain in her vast, thick skull.

"Radical environmentalists: you are damaging the planet with your efforts to lock up safer drilling areas. There’s nothing clean and green about your misguided, nonsensical radicalism, and Americans are on to you as we question your true motives." - Sarah Palin

You hear that hippie-dippie environmentalists?!? Miss Alaska is on to you and your dirty tricks to keep our national resources pristine, protected, and unspoiled by man's destructive tendencies, and our precious coastlines free from the remains of unsightly oil-drenched pelicans too dumb to avoid the massive oil Tsunami when trying to get back to their wetlands nesting site to feed their babies. Lol, stupid birds!

Watch out, 'cause $arah's on to you people! She knows you tree-hugging Greenpeace 'save the whales' types are the real ones to blame for this BP oil spillageddon, along with that Hitler-in-Chief Barack NObama, and his nonsense radicalism to cover every inch of the Earth with the sweet glistening sheen of millions of gallons of crude luxurious oil!

Why else would he agree to something as retarded (sorry, special needs) as drillin', baby drillin' like little Miss Wasilla is always tweetin' and 'bookin' 'bout, if he didn't have motives beyond keeping up with America's insatiable appetite for wonderful, energy-filled, safe-as-$arah's-email-password, methods of oil extraction?

Uh-oh, that $arah's sure on to something. In fact, I think she knows too much!

Guess Obama will just have to go ahead with that secret contingency plan, ya know, the real reason he started spillin', baby spillin' in the first place: to plug the f**king leak with her instead!

Kill two thousand birds with one stone, errr, make that gem.

BP Apologizes For Failing To "Top Kill" Anything, Except Mother Earth, Of Course!

Howdy America and Happy Memorial Day to all of you, even those who aren't in the military and have done nothing to honor our soldiers except shove brats and burgers in your big. fat mouths while competing to see who can guzzle the most beers and smash the empty cans against their foreheads in the least amount of time, for freedom!

On this patriotic holiday, I hope you enjoy some fun in the sun (or rain) on your fine, federal day off from whatever menial job you normally dread every Monday-Friday, when not honoring scores of dead soldiers who died for America during any of the various invasions, battles, or star-spangled incursions to stop Hitler or avenge an attempt on Daddy's life by some desert madman named Saddam, or whatever the case may be.

Either way, enjoy the long weekend, because it may be your last now that BP oil spillageddon continues to douse marine wildlife and precious resources in layers of delicious petroleum, and flirt with the people frolicking around the coastal shores from Florida to Mississippi in the hopes of enjoying actual cool, refreshing water, not thick, slimy crude oil during their fun Memorial day at the beach.

That's right folks! Turns out BP's desperate, last-ditch effort to "plug the damn hole" via the awesomely-named "top kill" didn't in fact "kill" anything except our collective hope, and faith that BP can do anything even remotely competently except dupe the dumb public out of oceans of money, and actual non-toxic, Dihydrogen monoxide seas of life.

Tsk, tsk, silly Americans!

So, now that BP's latest, greatest "best chance" to seal the worst oil leak in U.S. history—by shoving a billion tons of filth, garbage, and basic garage sale items inside the spewing wound—has been a spectacular failure (despite it's supposed 70 percent chance of success), what terrible, new, sexily-named plan will the brilliant oil-clogged minds at BP come up with next?

“After three full days of attempting top kill, we now believe it is time to move on to the next of our options,” BP Chief Operations Officer Doug Suttles explained, admitting that they "don't know for certain why it failed," which is always very encouraging to hear!

In any case, now that the hardworking, capable minds at BP have been unable to stem the flow geyser of oil gushing from a mile beneath the Gulf of Mexico and onto America's coastal shores, using state-of-the-art techniques like shooting as many golf balls and rubber tires as humanly possible into the hole, in the hopes that the powerful combo of discarded junk and a few Hail Marys will do the trick, it is time to move on to the next comical-if-it-weren't-so-tragic "solution" to stop the oil from spillin' baby spillin'!

The new "fix" probably won't "work" either—and it might increase the bleeding crude “by as much as 20%.” But on the bright side, it may just start working in August, so good times ahead?

Or at least if you believe a hoity-toity, elitist "news"paper like the LA Times:

"BP’s plan to sever a leaking pipe as part of an effort to cap its runaway well in the Gulf of Mexico could increase flow by as much as 20%, and the oil giant has no remedy to stop up the well until August, Obama administration and company officials said Sunday. "

But hey, at least BP feels bad (sort of):

BP’s CEO said Sunday he’s sorry for the largest oil spill in U.S. history and the "massive disruption" it has caused the Gulf Coast, telling reporters the company hopes to corral most of the crude offshore.

"The first thing to say is I’m sorry," Tony Hayward said when asked what he would tell people in Louisiana, where heavy oil has already reached parts of the state’s southeastern marshes.

"We’re sorry for the massive disruption it’s caused their lives. There’s no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back."

You hear that, America?? He is incredibly sorry for all the death and destruction his wonderful company has caused, but even more for all the disruption you people have caused to his perfect, carefree life. He's a rich, global oil executive for crying out loud, not some common schlub who actually relies on the ocean for silly things like eating, drinking, and employment, instead of important BP things like padding his already flush, fattened wallet.

I mean what do you want him to do? Grab some gloves and a shovel and actually start cleaning the sh*t up himself?

Ha ha, now that's rich! Not as rich as he or any of the other caring, misunderstood BP executives responsible for devastating America's coastlines, but hey, close enough.

Hayward said the company is doing "everything we can to contain the oil offshore, but as far as I'm concerned, a cup of oil on the beach is a failure."

But an entire ocean of oil? Heckuva job, Tony!!

So, anyway, Happy Memorial Day...to the once thriving vast bodies of sustenance and life formerly known as the Ocean.

The last 3.8 billion years just wouldn't have been the same without you!

But, perhaps there's another 139 million square miles of precious, untapped open wilderness for you to destroy explore, where no one will mind a couple million barrels o' oil wreaking death and destruction every which way...

$arah Palin's backyard for instance?

There's Nothing Fishy 'Bout This Barracuda's Big Oil, Barack Obama Bed-Sharing Bombshell!

It's never easy to tell exactly what $arah Louise Palin is saying, what with her total narcissism, rudimentary understanding of the English language, and various side ventures trying to make even more moose piles of money for her favoritest person, $arah Louise Palin!

But apparently, America's #1 unemployed defender of the freedom to spill, baby spill! luxurious British Petroleum up 'n down America's coasts, may have hinted at a possible presidential run in 2012 to anchor Chris Wallace on her favoritest Fox News over the weekend. Err, or at least as much as can be inferred from the self-centered, incoherent ramblings of a wandering Arctic drifter whose vast policy experiences include keeping a perfectly-mascarad eye on Mother Russia from her front porch, while teaching her 25 children about the joys of skinning and gutting a freshly-killed moose, elk, or absent baby-daddy's pursuing porn careers.

"It really comes down to it's not being about me, or what I want, or what I predict is gonna happen. ... [I]f the voters of America are in the mood for a kind of unconventional, candid, honest public servant — it doesn't necessarily have to be me — but if that's what they're in the mood for, they're going to let that be known, and they're going to help really propel and push that candidate forward, and then that candidate, of course, will make the decision whether to run or not. Don't know if that's going to me, Chris. ... As I've always said, I'm not going to close any door that perhaps would be open."

Ya know, sorta like the health care that's needed to shore up the economy because it's all about job creation right? Exactly the type of coy, evasive, semi-coherent, run-on response you'd expect from the one-time runner-up Miss Alaska turned former half-term governor turned full-time facebooker turned professional money-maker, with nary a spare moment to brush up on her English speaking skills, what with her crazy, sardine-packed schedule padding her bank account serving the American people.

But even a selfless patriot like $arah knows that if she is what the American people want, then she is exactly what they will get, because in Sarah's mind(?), country always comes first. Or at least right after herself, her career, her bottom line, her perfect, off-limits family, her corporate sponsors, and even her totally justified avenging of any hapless schmuck dumb enough to cross the killer 'Cuda, at any point before, after, or during her meteoric rise to fame and fortune, courtesy of her sweet, senile Granddaddy, Johnny Mac.

Locked 'n loaded in her crosshairs is of course that terrible, arugula-eating community organizer from Kenya, Barack Hussein Obama, who smart $arah just knows is solely responsible for the delicious but devastating BP oil disaster, turning America's Southern coastlines into a kid-friendly, oil-infused bubble bath complete with rubber duckies that float right to the top!

Much like how daughter Bristol's drunk romp in the sack with Levi gave us a precious miracle of God named Tripp, Sarah is just positive that President NObama's slutty bedding of Big Oil is behind this newest precious miracle of fact-based reality versus some idiotic Alaskan woman's cute 'n catchy campaign slogans.

Well, $arah wants to know why the elitist lamestream media is letting our illegal, oil-drenched, half-black, Muslim president get away with such monumental failures of leadership, and ridiculous, short-sighted policies as "drill, baby drill!" Those are her hard-earned, nonsensical ideas, God damn it!

"If there's any connection there to President Obama taking so doggone long to get in there, to dive in there and grasp the complexity and the potential tragedy that we are seeing here in the Gulf of Mexico. Now if this was President Bush or if this were a Republican in office who hadn't received as much support even as President Obama has from BP and other oil companies, you know the mainstream media would be all over his case."

Oh hell yeah! Right on sister! Like when that swirling mass of God's wrath over homosexuality and abortions called Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans and President George W. Bush single-handedly saved the Big Easy from becoming the next Lost City of Atlantis by heading down South, and saving the whole drowning city using nothing more than a pair of fins, snorkel, jumbo-sized straw, and his unparalleled ability to suck. Or something like that.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs fired back at Palin's suggestions that Obama was somehow "in bed with big oil" because of 2008 campaign contributions, dismissing the notion as being almost as asinine as the person whose perfectly-lipsticked mouth it came out of.

"Sarah Palin was involved in that election, but I don't think, apparently, was paying a whole lot of attention," Gibbs said. "I'm almost sure that the oil companies don't consider the Obama administration a huge ally. We proposed a windfall profits tax when they jacked their oil prices up to charge for gasoline."

"My suggestion to Sarah Palin would be to get slightly more informed as to what's going on in and around oil drilling in this country."

Eh, not sure that would jibe with her awesome, new plan to leave the precious ocean floor alone to avoid spillin', baby spillin', and instead start drillin', baby drillin' straight into the plentiful, massive, living, mobile oil storage units God blessed us with on his fifth day of Creation.

Why else would He fill the seas with all those dumb, blubber-filled whales?

For Moby-Dick?? Hahahahaha, more like so Moby-Ditz can keep her maverick lips lookin' their glossy, shiny, wet 'n wild, water-resistant, Beluga best, in any environment...man-made disasters, included!

You betcha!

Oil's Well That Ends Well...Or In Total Disaster! Just Ask Charlie Crist Or Charlie The Tuna

Drill, Baby, Drill! Drill, Baby, Drill! Drill, Baby, Drill!

Everyone knows environmental conservation and coastal drilling go together like, well, water and oil, especially the more than 200,000 gallons spilling into the Gulf of Mexico every day, after another one of those really safe, technologically sound British Petroleum-leased oil rigs exploded, killing 11 workers and spewing thousands of gallons of toxic, highly flammable crude oil out of a hole at the end of the 5,000-foot-long pipe into the now flaming, black ocean.

Wooohooo!

Thanks to the wizards over at BP, who as it turns out could have prevented the entire disaster altogether with a simple remote "off" switch, which of course the rig lacked, because that would make too much sense, take all the fun "risk" out of the whole thing, and who knows, maybe even cost a fraction of the millions of dollars already "wasted" on the extensive emergency cleanup effort in the wake of the disaster. Oh, well! Ya win some, ya lose some, right!?

The oil spill is now estimated to be five times as big as previously thought—likely bigger than the Exxon Valdez spill in 1989, but much to everyone's delight, the Coast Guard has already begun setting the oil on fire to control environmental damage.

Which is good news!

Because now the terrifying mass of crude oil the size of Rhode Island quickly barreling towards the Louisiana coastline has instead turned into a terrifying wall of flaming oil, the "color and texture of iced tea."

MMMmmmm, everyone loves iced tea! Especially when it tastes like delicious spilled oil and dead marine wildlife.

After admitting the spill was far more extensive than originally thought, BP's Chief Operating Officer Doug Suttles said, "We'll take help from anyone."

Grab a shovel, Sarah!

Guess good things really do happen when you line your nation's unsightly bare coastline with beautiful offshore oil rigs. For freedom!

Speaking of post catastrophe cleanup efforts, the official "Scrubbing of Charlie Crist" from all pamphlets, websites, and any other Republican Party literature bearing this terrible traitor's likeness or name is underway in the Sunshine State.

"The governor is the elected head of our party, so just from a logistical standpoint, in terms of a lot of our printed materials, our website, some of the branding that we’ve done, and things like that, we really have to go back and reevaluate," said the source.

"We don’t want to presume what the governor’s announcement is going to be. All signs point to him leaving the party, so all the preparation we’ve done from a logistical standpoint is going back and seeing what changes need to be made, seeing as the sitting governor will no longer be a member of our party after today."

But with Charlie Crist saying bye bye to the GOP to go rogue as an Independent, where ever will Republicans find another closeted queer who votes against gay rights, while secretly banging 'em on the side, to carry the torch burning cross for the Grand Old Party in the Grand Old People State of Florida?

What's that?? Tea Party fave Marco Rubio, you say??

Hmmm...not bad. I mean he's got all the wingnut qualifications necessary to be the next great Jeb Bush-like savior to lead Florida to complete collapse. Yes, all in all, a decent option, that is, if Arizona's crazy immigrant-huntin' cops don't come down from the soon-to-be-all-white desert and ship him back to that other Cuba, 295.4 miles to the south of Miami, first.

Oh wait, ha ha, never mind. The ocean's on fire anyway! America wins again!

Long live the GOP!

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!