Foot, Meet Mouth: Six Reasons Why The GOP Doesn't Need Deep Sea Oil Rigs To Spew Toxic Goo From Gaping Holes

If you thought BP was the only one spillin' baby spillin' toxic oily goo uncontrollably out of big, leaking holes, think again my friends!

Never underestimate the Grand Oil Puppets' uncanny ability to take a national disaster of epic proportions, and use the tragedy for their own personal and political gain by saying something even more flammable, noxious, and vomit-inducing than millions of gallons of luxurious crude oil pouring into America's once thriving coastal shores.

Ladies and germs, I present you with the top six slick GOP oil spill slip-ups, not involving dead marine mammals and/or feathered carcasses washin' up along America's now deadly beaches, but rather thick gunk oozing from the deep wells between their noses and chins.

Drum roll, please!

1. Rand Paul
Rand Paul has gone AWOL from the lamestream media, likely because every time he opens his big fat trap to anyone with a mic, he ends up saying something awful about how (even though he's not racist or anything, and loooooves the Civil Rights Act of 1964), the big bad govern'ent should keep their grubby paws out of the private sector and stop forcing nice, American businesses to not be terrible and racist. Like, if Woolworth's wants to force black people to eat at separate lunch counters and/or put up a big, ol’ Whites Only sign on their front door, who is the dumb, stupid evil government to tell 'em otherwise?

Same goes for that terrible NObama pesterin' the good folks over at BP who want nothing more than to be left to their own noble oil-dumpin', marine-destroyin' devices!

"What I don't like from the president's administration is this sort of, 'I'll put my boot heel on the throat of BP,'" Paul said in an interview with ABC's Good Morning America. "I think that sounds really un-American in his criticism of business."

Why, America hasn't been this unpatriotic since rudely throwing off the nice British yoke back in 1776, around the time "Doctor" Rand Paul's beliefs were actually still fashionable. Umm, can you say Rand Paul for President of America? Errr, better make that of pure, white America...you can go ahead and keep dem coloreds to yourself, we're sure ol' Rand won't mind one Libertarian bit.

2. Michele Bachmann
Everyone's favorite unstable Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachmann knows a thing or two 'bout takin' a terrible tragedy and turnin' it into a golden wingnut opportunity to blast that no-good half-black Kenyan Devil in the White House for taking a completely irresponsible "hands off" approach to the oil crisis on "DAY ONE" when they should have been all over that sh*t, like umm, well, British Petroleum on American beaches.

Ol' Minnesota blue eyes simply does not understand why the government was "nowhere to be found" after the Deepwater Horizon rig exploded (pssst, Michele you have to actually open your eyes, not rely on the power of Jesus to see) since in reality, Obama and Co., arrived within hours of the disaster. But no one knows better than Bachmann what a drag truth and facts can be, not to mention, they are inherently un-American and against the Constitution in her head.

Which is why she would like to know just why on God's (once-green) Earth the government hadn't put on their Socialist Scuba gear and "commandeered" privately-owned boats to "deal with that oil plume as it was coming up to the water."

Oh, Michy why don't you be a dear, throw on the ol' flippers and wetsuit, and dive on down to Deepwater to plug that darned hole with your own perfectly capable, freshly manicured, Christ-guided hands. Don't worry, your makeup is water resistant (and animal-tested!) plus there's no gross slimy fish, or living creatures of any sort to bother you on your way down to the dark abyss below.

Just think of it as a practice run for your next eternal plunge to the dank netherworld far beneath the surface of the Earth. Don't forget to say hi to your hero and favoritest freedom fighter while you're there. No, not Jesus of Nazareth, silly! Your other savior, Hitler of Bavaria!
 
3. Sarah Palin
When not tweetbookin' bout drillin' baby drillin', America's beloved former half-term Governor of tundras and moose is busy blamin' baby blamin' the usual suspects like extreme greenies and other hippie-dippie environmental enemies of Mother Earth for spillin, baby spillin' up 'n down America's shores.

Maybe for her next great, Pulitzer-worthy piece of American literature, $arah Palin can write all about how she single-handedly plugged the darn hole usin' nothin' but her magical diamond-encrusted, cotton-tipped, Jesus-blessed hockey stick and a hearty dose of that good, ol' fashioned can-do 'merican spirit.

Miss Bachmann better get goin' lest some other brainless beauty from the snowy north beat her to the bottom and steal her heroic, oil-pluggin' thunder! They don't call her the Barracuda for nuthin'! Wink, wink!

4. Haley Barbour
Fat, dumb Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour isn't one to dwell on silly, insignificant little mistakes of the past, like enslaving an entire race to keep cotton costs low. It was simply savvy business maneuvers and everyone (or at least 3/5ths) knows what is good for business is good for America, slavery included! No thanks to those no-good Northern Aggressors always tryin' to tell decent Southern folk how to build up their economy, without even chaining human beings to the bottom of boats and giving them the unique, one-of-a-kind opportunity to be sold at bargain basement prices to the highest bidder. A real steal!

Same goes for silly li'l nothing oil spills, which Barbour knows is nothing like Exxon-Valdez (ugh, sounds Mexicany), but more like delicious caramel mousse, harmless toothpaste, and the pretty fuel sheen surrounding speed boats.

"We don't wash our face in it, but it doesn't stop us from jumping off the boat to ski," Barbour said.

Of course, the biggest threat to Mississippi's coast has been the arugula eating elitist mainstream media's coverage of the spill, givin' people the wrong  impression that "the coast from Florida to Texas is ankle-deep in oil, which is of course very, very bad for our tourist season," the most importantist thing in the world!

"It may be hard for the viewer to understand but the worst thing for us has been how our tourist season has been hurt by the misperception of what is going on down here. The Mississippi Gulf Coast is beautiful. As I tell people, the coast is clear, come on down!"

"Come on down here and play golf, enjoy the beach, catch a fish and pay a little sales tax while you're here," he said.

Just don't forget your hazmat suits, goo-gone, protective goggles, and industrial size bucket to put all the delicious oil-infused fish you catch scoop up from the beach.

But remember those babies sure do burn, so use caution when tossin' the day's catch on the barbie, or you may have your very own Deepwater explosion right in your own backyard. For America, wooohooo!

5. John Boehner
House Minority Leader John Boehner is just thankful something besides his face has finally turned a oddly glowing, likely toxic, unnatural shade of orange even if it is America's entire Gulf Coast, that he is ready to let bygones be bygones. Enough of this petty blame game (except when directed towards those who deserve it like DEMONcrats and/or NObama)!

It is time to move forward and act like responsible, mature adults when flip-flopping and contradicting oneself in order to simultaneously appease Big Oil, the overlords in the Chamber of Commerce, and of course the nagging public who keep cryin' poor every time the GOP tries to take their hard-earned taxpayer money to pay for the greasy death 'n destruction their their awesome, slick, hands-off deregulation of beloved oil conglomerates caused. Whoops!

Hey, nobody's perfect right?

Err, except the world's greatest oil company, and most skilled man-made disaster cleanup crew ever assembled: no, not BP, the Glowing Orange Party, of course!

6. Joe Barton

Which naturally brings us to our final Southern fried f**k up, good ol' Joe Barton of good ol' Texas. A wondrous, brilliant man whose world-famous apology to the poor, misunderstood CEO of BP Tony Hayward is only one small piece of this man's stellar record of public service.
Besides the Saints and Samaritans at BP, no one stands up for the rights of the "small people" more than Grand Old Pariah, fightin' Joe Barton. And by small people, we of course mean the poor, innocent victims of NObama's evil $20 billion government shakedown, forced to pay out of their own endless pockets to cover the hefty costs of covering an entire ocean with delicious crude oil, imported all the way from Britain! Is this any way to treat a guest??

"I think it is a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown, in this case a $20 billion shakedown," Barton said. "I'm only speaking for myself, I'm not speaking for anybody else. But I apologize. I do not want to live in a country where any time a citizen or a corporation does something that is legitimately wrong, is subject to to some sort of political pressure that is, again, in my words, amounts to a shakedown. So I apologize."

I mean what kind of world would it be, if every time some greedy, out-of-control oil conglomerate tries to get sinfully rich by destroying an entire ecosystem, they're actually held responsible for their reckless actions turning boring blue to luscious black?

Why that sounds like a nightmare, a hellish doomsday vision that Joe Barton for one, wants no part of and nothing, I said, nothing, is gonna change ever change that, ever!

He has principles, people! The kind that may top kill Flipper, Flounder, and every last coastal fisherman's livelihood, but doesn't stop spillin' baby spillin' the only kind of green worth anything (it ain't algae!) right into his big, fat, oily fingers.

What's that you say?? Oh, ooops, we're terribly sorry!

Smithers, get this man a napkin, on the double! For Christ's sake, he's got some very important tweetin' to do and doesn't need any greasy smudge stains or oily fish remains screwing up his fine, wisdom-filled, 140 character-limited, apology-laden messages.

Joe is perfectly capable of doing that all by his own greasy, toxic, limited character self!

And unlike BP, he doesn't even need to dive several miles beneath the sea to plug the gaping hole uncontrollably spewing toxic waste.

God purposely located it for maximum plugging convenience. In case of emergency, like say, whenever he opens his mouth.

Fun Facts: Special Diva, Downer, Dachshund, & Diddley Edition

World famous quitter Sarah Palin may not need hoity-toity teleprompters when delivering one of her $100,000 "reading off-the-hand" things to elitist students at Cal State University, instead demanding all the usual perks you'd expect from the one-time mayor of a snow-covered meth lab, turned half-term governor, turned professional Facebooker, teevee star and full-time diva.

Thanks to the arugula-eating college kids who dug through the trash to find her half-shredded contract, we now know Sarah is just like the rest of us hardworking schlubs who insist upon first class when forced to fly commercial and rub elbows with the gross public. Ugh.

But if little Miss Tiddlywinks is spared slumming with the rest of the gross, Real Americans on an actual 727, "the private aircraft MUST BE a Lear 60 or larger." In addition, her highness must be provided with a suite, plus two rooms at the best hotel, and bendy straws in her water bottles.

And you just wait and see what happens if her straws aren't flexible, God damn it!

This of course does not include Palin's upwards of $100,000 speaking fees for the trouble of reading a semi-coherent list off the palm of her hand before taking questions from the extensively screened audience members whose questions are predetermined, lest sweet Sarah find herself in the uncomfortable situation of having to actually formulate an original thought 'stead of readin' generic fightin' words about how America is the bestest, most beautifulest, freeest, most God lovingest, awesomest country in the whole wide world and that is why we must drill, baby drill until every last small business owner has health care for the economy of the Real America without evil socialist government taxes cause they're mean and we hate 'em!

On the other hand, Alaska is awesome just like capitalism and Fox News and Tea Parties, and that is why we need to get that suspiciously Muslim Kenyan out of the White House and back to organizing dumb communities in Chicago (or was it China?) or wherever it is that hardworking people of color go to help better their impoverished communities because they hate America.

You know who doesn't hate America? Joe Lieberman that's who!

Sure, countless months and asinine teabagger rallies have passed, with nary a peep or even a Wah Wah about how the poors are ruining this or black people make him uncomfortable, or secret oil wars are good, from everyone's favorite bundle of charm and delight, Joseph Isadore Lieberman.

We were beginning to wonder if everything was alright with Jewish Benedict Arnold since he hadn't said or done anything dumb and terrible to piss people off or even try to ruin everything for everyone like he usually does so well.

But fear not my friends, because Connecticut's biggest mistake since neighboring terrible gay Taxachussetts, is back to remind America why we despise this sniveling wisp of a man in the first place.

Like saying how Sarah Palin is "warm and likable," and a "powerful force" who speaks for "a lot of people out there."

"I think ... Sarah Palin for a lot of people has become a spokesperson. People worried that government has forgotten them, that it has grown too big, that the deficit is growing too large, and in some sense that we're not being as strong as we should be in the world—Governor Palin has spoken to those concerns as much as anyone."

"I do disagree with her on some of the specifics that she has said, but I think anybody who underestimates Sarah Palin as a political force in America does so at some peril, because she is speaking for a lot of people out there.

Especially those who kan't read good and/or have babies out of wedlock after a drunken night in the back of a pickup truck.

But that's not all! You see Joe has never quite felt comfortable with these massive majorities for the party that nominated him for vice-president way back in 2000, the very party he caucuses with, and which grants him the numerous chairmanships and high ranking positions on valuable committees he covets so much.

And that is why Joe is so very thankful that the Great Pendulum of American Democracy will swing back towards the Republicans— America's true party—come 2010 when the Grand Old Party retakes the House, Senate, and the nation back from brink of Socialist ruin at the hands of a radical black man from Kenya.

"There were a lot of people, particularly Democrats, who were declaring after the 2008 election that we were beginning a period of Democratic dominance that would go on for decades," Lieberman said during an interview with the conservative Newsmax magazine. "Now, all of a sudden, the momentum is with the Republicans. And that's—thank God—that's the way people have spoken, you know? That's our democracy."

And thank God (the Republican God, not the liberal "Allah," that is), that I, Joseph Lieberman, live in a Democracy where I can vote against this beautiful, heaven-sent tsunami of Republican momentum on things like evil ObamaCare (if it suits me) and still pray for this delicious GOP tidal wave to sweep me up in its frothy wake. Or if all else fails, just become an Independent because I, Joe Lieberman, don't answer to anyone, except Sarah Palin, my wife Hadassah, and the many interest groups who put money in my very deep, always hungry pockets. For America!

No, senator, thank God for you! I mean how else would we, the dumb public, know what a real, live chameleon looks like when trying desperately to survive in the jungle of American politics? Survival of the fittest is alive and well my friends!

Speaking of the evolutionary LIE that is survival of the fittest, creationist and former morbidly obese governor of Arkansas, Mike Huckabee, does not believe that children are puppies. As such, these youngins (which are distinctively different than their canine counterparts), deserve to be with fellow carbon-based, sentient beings like humans, not terrible disgusting blights on humanity like gross gay people.

In the interview, good ol' Huck explained why he supports the Arkansas law barring same-sex couples from adopting or becoming foster parents. "This is not about trying to create statements for people who want to change the basic fundamental definitions of family," Huckabee said. "And always we should act in the best interest of the children, not in the seeming interest of the adults."

"Children are not puppies," he said. "This is not a time to see if we can experiment and find out, how does this work?"

Much better to just keep 'em in the pound orphanage where they feel comfortable (cold, hungry, and alone) than start 'experimenting' with two parents who love and care for them and want to provide them with an actual home and family and other such things that humans have no need for.

"You don't go ahead and accommodate every behavioral pattern that is against the ideal. That would be like saying, well, there are a lot of people who like to use drugs, so let's go ahead and accommodate those who want who use drugs. There are some people who believe in incest, so we should accommodate them. There are people who believe in polygamy, so we should accommodate them."

Hell no, we don't! That would also be like saying there are people out there who believe that humans and dinosaurs lived side by side, in perfect harmony, after God crafted Adam from silly putty, before springing Eve from his hearty rib in a moment of artistic expression, so we should accommodate them too. Ha ha imagine that!

Which is why the gays can feel free to adopt and sodomize as many puppies as they'd like but not babies because gays shouldn't be allowed to own those things. Ever.

Speaking of li'l miracles of God, that dumb community organizer who can't even see Russia from his porch and thus doesn't even know what a nuclear weapon is, Barack Obama, managed to get 47 other countries to sign on to his terrible and dangerous, "Don't Give Nukes To Terrorists Pact." Ugh. Why does this guy love Osama bin Laden so much, and why couldn't America have elected someone smart and responsible like Sarah Palin (or even Bristol!) as president of the world instead?

One wink and you betcha! the terrorists would know who's boss.

When not working hard to ensure Virginia remains for straight lovers, not gay sinners, Gov. Bob McDonnell showed his support for all things Southern, by declaring April "Confederate History Month," without even mentioning that little historical hiccup known as slavery.

Ooops. Of course, after Virginians criticized the governor for his innocent omission of the fact that white people owned black people as property, McDonnell quickly apologized for his insensitivity and added language to the decree calling slavery "evil and inhumane."

This makes one fellow GOP Governor of Mississippi, proud former slaveowner and defender against Northern Aggression, Haley Barbour, very upset.

He simply doesn't understand all the brouhaha over something as insignificant as the forced enslavement of an entire people in order to keep cotton costs low. Hello?? Ever heard of savvy business maneuvers? Is this not America, the land of opportunity?

"To me, it's a sort of feeling that it's a nit, that it is not significant, that it's not a — it's trying to make a big deal out of something that doesn't matter for diddly," Barbour told CNN.

Well, maybe for Bo Diddley, but 3/5ths doesn't count much anyway.

In that case, guess Sasha and Malia will have to come up with a more suitable namesake for First Dog "Bo" than the original R&B rock 'n roller. Something to really catch the white power essence of America's heroic struggle against Northern Aggression. How does Barbourian sound?

America, Meet Your Newest Crazy "Dem-Hunting" GOP Rep. Gregg Harper!

Another day, another double-consonant named Republican acts like a moron and reminds us why we should never trust public officials with unnecessary additional letters in their names.

Asked about his participation in the Congressional Sportsmen Caucus during an interview with Politico, Mississippi Republican Rep. Gregg Harper replied: "We hunt liberal, tree-hugging Democrats, although it does seem like a waste of good ammunition."

HAHAHAHAHA! Now, normally this kind of dumb, redneck ignorance is so darn hilarious, it's enough to make a person squeal with delight. That's because it usually comes from some demented, toothless teabagger waving an Obama is Hitler sign, not an elected official responsible for crafting the laws of the nation.

Luckily for us, this southern sparkplug has no interest in breaking his streak of NOT introducing a single bill on the House floor, and is much more content proving those elitists in Washington wrong about what the good, hard-working folks from Mississippi are really like.

"Folks have a common misconception that Mississippi is strictly a rural, outdoors state. While we are famous for our hunting, sport fishing and year-round golf, we also have leading manufacturers like Peavey Electronics and Viking Range Corp."

See, not everyone in the M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I is as backwards as their proud, double-G representative Gregg Harper, whose biggest challenge as a congressman is "Trying to find my way around the Rayburn building...Combining my poor sense of direction with a confusing design is not good."

But as long as he continues following the compass of his mentors Haley ("No one 'gets it' more than him") Barbour and Trent ("Living example of what loyalty means") Lott, we're confident things will work out just fine for Mr. Greggggggggg Harper.

He'll spend the next half-century or so reading his favorite Mississippi literary great John Grisham (Eudora Welty and William Faulkner are for pussies), indulging in his guilty pleasure of eating dark chocolate Hershey’s Kisses every day (the closest he ever gets to dark anything) and all the while not once pass a meaningful piece of legislation. Ever.

Looks like someone's got what it takes to be a Republican superstar!

Masters Haley Barbour & Trent Lott In All Their Glory