House Republicans' New Bill Offers Variety Of Helpful Hints On Proper (Federally Funded!) Ways To Be Raped

Ah, Republicans. The kind of wonderful, caring, Constitution-loving individuals who know that when life hands you lemons, say, by getting incestuously raped and impregnated by your drunkard father, Jesus wants you to make lemon meringue pie in the form of Sharron Angle's special, secret homemade recipe for coping with unspeakable tragedy (psst: it's called insanity!).

But if you can't handle the heat, get your ass out of the kitchen, as some enlightened Republicans and assorted other spicy fruit flavors of far right teabaggers are so very fond of saying! Legislatively speaking, of course!

Which is simply amazing! Err, unless, you happen to be one of the hapless harlots dumb enough to get raped, incested, or otherwise unwittingly left with a bun in the oven, and would like to maybe get some federal assistance to help pay for the abortion costs.

Haha, sorry sweet tits!

Thanks to House Republicans' latest legislative push through the congressional chambers to help regulate what women across America ought to be permitted to push through their own feminine chambers, Uncle Sam's coiffers will (God-willing!) be slammed shut in the very near future.

It is called the "No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act," and it is a top priority in John Boehner's newer, brighter, glowing orange House, because it protects your precious federal money from funding wayward sluts who have subjected themselves to rape, lest they be one of the lucky li'l ladies who've been "forcibly raped," which naturally doesn't include a woman who was drugged or date raped.

Those bitches were soooooo asking for it!

So remember to heed the wise words of the Republican Party. Next time you are raped, just make sure that you have full mental capacities, have not been drugged (look alive, woman!), and please, please make sure the guy is doing it really hard, preferably like a deranged jackhammer hard! Because everyone, or at least House Republicans, know that rape is only really rape if it involves force. And plenty of it!

Other types of rapes that would no longer be covered by the exemption include rapes in which the woman was drugged or given excessive amounts of alcohol, rapes of women with limited mental capacity, and many date rapes. “There are a lot of aspects of rape that are not included,” Laurie Levenson says.
As for the incest exception, the bill would only allow federally funded abortions if the woman is under 18.

Oh yeah, and statutory rape. Like say, if a 13-year-old girl is impregnated by a 24-year-old adult, she would no longer qualify to have Medicaid pay for an abortion, thanks to the diligent efforts of 173 mostly Republican men, fortunate enough to not have the reproductive organs necessary for forced penetration & impregnation, like silly women who are weak and stupid.

Hooray!

"This bill takes us back to a time when just saying 'no' wasn't enough to qualify as rape," says Steph Sterling, a lawyer and senior adviser to the National Women's Law Center.

Ah yes, the good old days!

But some like Donna Crane, the policy director of NARAL Pro-Choice America, say that making the "already narrow exceptions for public funding of abortion care for rape and incest survivors even more restrictive is unbelievably cruel and heartless."

Oooh, Jesus would be so proud!

"This bill goes far beyond current law," says Democratic Rep. Diana DeGette of Colorado, a co-chair of the congressional pro-choice caucus. "The re-definition of the rape exception is only one element of an extreme bill that pro-abortion rights groups believe would lead to the end of private health insurance coverage for abortion."

Take that Socialist baby killers!

Of course, if you have any additional suggestions of types of rape that House Republicans can cruelly and wantonly carve out of medical/legal protection next, or are just curious when they are finally going to pass a law granting the rapist full naming and paternal rights over the baby the victim is forced to have, please do not hesitate to let the Republican Study Committee know. They can't wait to hear from you!

***Disclaimer:*** Women and those under the age of 18 are prohibited from contacting their congressmen without proper supervision by a qualified male, equipped with the adequate testosterone levels and reasoning skills to make informed, intelligent decisions about what a woman should and should not do with her body.

From Bailout To Ball Out, Obama Brings His A-Game To The House (Republican Caucus)

Another day, another prime-time opportunity for President Barack Obama to embarrass the entire Republican Party on live national teevee! Hooray!

Surprising? Not really. Warranted? Most definitely.

It's all part of President Obama and the the Democrats' well-meaning plan to try and portray Republicans (correctly) as deviant, power-hungry obstructionists who ruin everything and care about nothing ('cept of course money, oil, and other assorted riches of the right).

Which is why Barry decided to take a gander over to the ol' lion's den, known as the Republican House Caucus, himself to chat mano-a-mano with his bitter rivals in the Grand Old Party of NO.

Rivals like orange glow-in-the-dark House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) who Obama thanked for the invitation by quipping, "You know what they say, keep your friends close, but visit the Republican Caucus every few months."

HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Get it?? Cause that's like his enemy!

So, President Obama met with House Republicans at their annual group sex therapy rehab session policy retreat in Baltimore to have a nice, polite, bipartisan discussion about why the GOP has been acting like a bunch of lunatic nutjobs ever since a certain chocolate-hued menace assumed the presidency.

"Having differences of opinion, having a real debate about matters of domestic policy and national security, that's something that's not only good for our country, it's absolutely essential,” Obama said.

But acting like a bunch of unhinged douchebags every time the proposes a sound, sensible policy to help struggling Americans (even if it's in line with GOP principles), is not exactly what Obama would call good leadership or savvy politics.

"If you were to listen to this debate, and frankly how some of you went after this bill, you'd think that this thing was some Bolshevik plot--I mean, that's how you guys presented it."

"If the way these issues are being presented by the Republicans is that this is some wild-eyed plot to impose huge government in every aspect of our lives, what happens is that you guys don’t have a lot of room to negotiate with me."

"The fact of the matter is, many of you, if you voted with the administration on something, are politically vulnerable with your own base, with your own party because what you've been telling your constituents is, "This guy's doing all kinds of crazy stuff that's going to destroy America.'"

"We have seen some party-line votes that have been disappointing. I didn't understand then, and I still don't understand, why we got opposition in this caucus for almost $300 billion in badly needed tax cuts for the American people."

"A lot of you have gone to ribbon cuttings for the same projects that you voted against. I say all this not to re-litigate the past, but it's simply to state, the component parts of the recovery act are consistent with what many of you say are important things to do."

Wait, are you saying sending the president back to Kenya was part of the recovery effort??

Then came the really interesting part, in which Obama began fielding questions from caucus members, only to turn the Republicans' questions against them again and again in typical Obama smackdown fashion, accusing the GOP of obstructing legislation for political purposes and offering solutions that won't work.

"I've read your legislation. I take a look at this stuff. And the good ideas we take."

But considering you're a bunch of brainless neanderthals, there's not much to take anyway.

"I am not an ideologue. I'm not," Obama said."It doesn't make sense if somebody could tell me you could do this cheaper and get increased results, that I wouldn't say 'great.' The problem is, I couldn't find credible economists that would back up the claims that you just made."

And no, sorry, Orly Taitz does not count as a credible economist, so it'd best for everyone if she just stuck to her blossoming real estate agent-attorney-dentist-birther leader career.

"So all I'm saying is, we've gotta close the gap a little bit between the rhetoric and the reality."

Asked if he had time for more questions, Obama said he wasn't in any hurry to leave since he was having so much fun manhandling these idiots so up close and personal. Bring 'em on!

"I'm having fun," Obama said. "This is great."

God, it feels good to be right!

Less so for Rep. Jeb Hensarling (who the f??), whose rambling, nonsensical question about spending was naturally met with all the respect such an important, noble question should command.

After interrupting him right in the middle of his red-faced incoherent rant and coming thisclose to actually getting his name right, Obama proceeded to respond.

"Jim (Jim, Jeb, what's the diff?), I know there's a question in there somewhere," Obama said."Because you're making a whole bunch of assertions in there, half of which I disagree with, and I'm having to sit here listening to it. At some point I know you're gonna let me answer it."

Awww, snap! Jimbo done got played!

But, don't worry, because Republicans, like Arizona Rep. Jeff Flake, know the event helped his party by showing that Republicans have offered alternatives to Obama's plans, other than their newly unveiled strategy, "hell no" and "drop dead."

"The real effort here was to convince people out there that we have offered solutions, we've offered things," Flake said. "For him to say, 'Yes, I've read your proposal; it's a substantive proposal' — that's good. That's a huge thing for Republicans."

Think about it! For the president of the United States to actually say, Yes, I've read your legislation (if we can even call it that) and it's pretty much the total piece of sh*t everyone thought it was, is as good as it gets. Huge! Huuuuuuge, I tell ya!

What'd you think, they call him Flake for nothing?

Yes, the GOP is alive and well, my friends!

Any more questions?

America, Meet Your Newest Crazy "Dem-Hunting" GOP Rep. Gregg Harper!

Another day, another double-consonant named Republican acts like a moron and reminds us why we should never trust public officials with unnecessary additional letters in their names.

Asked about his participation in the Congressional Sportsmen Caucus during an interview with Politico, Mississippi Republican Rep. Gregg Harper replied: "We hunt liberal, tree-hugging Democrats, although it does seem like a waste of good ammunition."

HAHAHAHAHA! Now, normally this kind of dumb, redneck ignorance is so darn hilarious, it's enough to make a person squeal with delight. That's because it usually comes from some demented, toothless teabagger waving an Obama is Hitler sign, not an elected official responsible for crafting the laws of the nation.

Luckily for us, this southern sparkplug has no interest in breaking his streak of NOT introducing a single bill on the House floor, and is much more content proving those elitists in Washington wrong about what the good, hard-working folks from Mississippi are really like.

"Folks have a common misconception that Mississippi is strictly a rural, outdoors state. While we are famous for our hunting, sport fishing and year-round golf, we also have leading manufacturers like Peavey Electronics and Viking Range Corp."

See, not everyone in the M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I is as backwards as their proud, double-G representative Gregg Harper, whose biggest challenge as a congressman is "Trying to find my way around the Rayburn building...Combining my poor sense of direction with a confusing design is not good."

But as long as he continues following the compass of his mentors Haley ("No one 'gets it' more than him") Barbour and Trent ("Living example of what loyalty means") Lott, we're confident things will work out just fine for Mr. Greggggggggg Harper.

He'll spend the next half-century or so reading his favorite Mississippi literary great John Grisham (Eudora Welty and William Faulkner are for pussies), indulging in his guilty pleasure of eating dark chocolate Hershey’s Kisses every day (the closest he ever gets to dark anything) and all the while not once pass a meaningful piece of legislation. Ever.

Looks like someone's got what it takes to be a Republican superstar!

Masters Haley Barbour & Trent Lott In All Their Glory

Meet Meghan McCain: The Republican Party's New Miss Thang!

The Fresh New Face Of The GOP

Okay, so John McCain's presidential bid didn't turn out exactly as he would've liked, but at least some good came out of spending endless amounts of time and money on a losing effort to convince the public he's NOT in fact George W. Bush.

Like his quirky blond daughter becoming the new gay icon for closeted, self-hating conservatives across the land.

As the face for secret bleeding heart liberals trapped in Republican trust fund bondage, Meghan McCain used her new-found street cred to address a crowd of Log Cabin Republicans (conservative queers) over the weekend.

There, she told the group of out and proud (sort of) party loyalists that "old school Republicans" were "scared sh*tless" of the changing landscape. Language, Meggy, language!

The Senator's daughter, who is quickly becoming a rising star in the Republican party and a Liza Minnelli-like hero among Log Cabin sorts who put party loyalty ahead of their own sexual freedom and personal rights, took repeated shots at the GOP for their antiquated beliefs and out-of-touch policies. In other words, for not being more like Democrats.

"There are those who think we can win the White House and Congress back by being 'more' conservative. Worse, there are those who think we can win by changing nothing at all about what our party has become...I think we're seeing a war brewing in the Republican Party. But it is not between us and Democrats. It is not between us and liberals. It is between the future and the past."

Uh-Oh, easy there Meghan. Let's not forget you are a McCain, and with the title, comes certain responsibilities, like never questioning anything, staying trim, blonde, and perky, and being socially moderate your entire life until abandoning all beliefs/integrity when trying to run for public office.

But, as the daughter of the original maverick, Meghan is not known to play by anyone's rules but her own. Which is why her wake-up call to Republicans didn't end there.

"Simply embracing technology isn't going to fix our problem. Republicans using Twitter and Facebook isn't going to miraculously make people think we're cool again. Breaking free from obsolete positions and providing real solutions that don't divide our nation further will. That's why some in our party are scared. They sense the world around them is changing and they are unable to take the risk to jump free of what's keeping our party down."

Aw, come on Meg, Rush isn't that heavy!

Besides, tweeting your deepest (freedom-loving) thoughts about what you had for dinner last night and why gays and liberals are ruining America in under 140 characters is a sure-fire way to bring Republicans' victory next election. Everyone knows the kids go ga-ga for technology. Even Michael Steele could tell you that.

Coincidence? I Think Not

Surprise, surprise. Turns out that under GM CEO Rick Wagoner, who Obama finally told to scram after thirty god-awful years ruining America's largest automaker, the GOP was busy raking in the big bucks. Ca-ching!

Wagoner, who joined GM in 1977, has had a senior role in GM management since 1992, before becoming CEO of the company in 2000. It is Wagoner's brilliant leadership and vision during this golden, eight-year reign that helped steer GM away from the lame-o hybrids and fuel efficient cars nobody wants to instead focus on more practical, everyday vehicles like Hummers, perfect for carpooling the kids to soccer practice or taking out terrorist sleeper cells in Iraq!

But it's not just GM execs who profited from Wagoner's impressively inept tenure at the helm of General Motors. Republicans did quite well themselves.

From the time Wagoner took over as CEO in 2000, through the end of last year, GM and its Political Action Committee (PAC) contributed almost $2 million to Republican candidates and organizations, compared to just $815,000 to Democratic ones.

Well cry me a river. Maybe instead of complaining for once, the Dems should try asking their best friends over in the autoworkers union to help make up the difference.

Oh, wait...What's the country code for calling China again?

RIP: 1908-2009

Master Of The House

It's On!

President Barack Obama faced down scary House Republicans on Tuesday only to find the hard chargin', tough talkin' swingers of the right softer than a bunch Pillsbury dough boys.

The night before a key vote on a key economic stimulus bill, Obama met privately with GOP House leaders on Tuesday where he coaxed them with all the sexy words Republicans like to hear like "Ronald Reagan" "budget cuts" and "big-government, bad."

But just in case that wasn't enough to make these hardened Republicans putty in the president's hand, Mr. Rock Star Obama showed his bipartisan spirit by extending an invitation to several congressman to have drinks at the White House after today's vote.

Since the bill is likely to pass even without a single Republican supporter, Obama figures the least he could do to soften the GOP pain that comes with realizing your party has become totally irrelevant is to offer them a stiff glass to drown their sorrows.

Bottoms up!

Ah, The Sweet Taste Of Victory!