From Bailout To Ball Out, Obama Brings His A-Game To The House (Republican Caucus)

Another day, another prime-time opportunity for President Barack Obama to embarrass the entire Republican Party on live national teevee! Hooray!

Surprising? Not really. Warranted? Most definitely.

It's all part of President Obama and the the Democrats' well-meaning plan to try and portray Republicans (correctly) as deviant, power-hungry obstructionists who ruin everything and care about nothing ('cept of course money, oil, and other assorted riches of the right).

Which is why Barry decided to take a gander over to the ol' lion's den, known as the Republican House Caucus, himself to chat mano-a-mano with his bitter rivals in the Grand Old Party of NO.

Rivals like orange glow-in-the-dark House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) who Obama thanked for the invitation by quipping, "You know what they say, keep your friends close, but visit the Republican Caucus every few months."

HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Get it?? Cause that's like his enemy!

So, President Obama met with House Republicans at their annual group sex therapy rehab session policy retreat in Baltimore to have a nice, polite, bipartisan discussion about why the GOP has been acting like a bunch of lunatic nutjobs ever since a certain chocolate-hued menace assumed the presidency.

"Having differences of opinion, having a real debate about matters of domestic policy and national security, that's something that's not only good for our country, it's absolutely essential,” Obama said.

But acting like a bunch of unhinged douchebags every time the proposes a sound, sensible policy to help struggling Americans (even if it's in line with GOP principles), is not exactly what Obama would call good leadership or savvy politics.

"If you were to listen to this debate, and frankly how some of you went after this bill, you'd think that this thing was some Bolshevik plot--I mean, that's how you guys presented it."

"If the way these issues are being presented by the Republicans is that this is some wild-eyed plot to impose huge government in every aspect of our lives, what happens is that you guys don’t have a lot of room to negotiate with me."

"The fact of the matter is, many of you, if you voted with the administration on something, are politically vulnerable with your own base, with your own party because what you've been telling your constituents is, "This guy's doing all kinds of crazy stuff that's going to destroy America.'"

"We have seen some party-line votes that have been disappointing. I didn't understand then, and I still don't understand, why we got opposition in this caucus for almost $300 billion in badly needed tax cuts for the American people."

"A lot of you have gone to ribbon cuttings for the same projects that you voted against. I say all this not to re-litigate the past, but it's simply to state, the component parts of the recovery act are consistent with what many of you say are important things to do."

Wait, are you saying sending the president back to Kenya was part of the recovery effort??

Then came the really interesting part, in which Obama began fielding questions from caucus members, only to turn the Republicans' questions against them again and again in typical Obama smackdown fashion, accusing the GOP of obstructing legislation for political purposes and offering solutions that won't work.

"I've read your legislation. I take a look at this stuff. And the good ideas we take."

But considering you're a bunch of brainless neanderthals, there's not much to take anyway.

"I am not an ideologue. I'm not," Obama said."It doesn't make sense if somebody could tell me you could do this cheaper and get increased results, that I wouldn't say 'great.' The problem is, I couldn't find credible economists that would back up the claims that you just made."

And no, sorry, Orly Taitz does not count as a credible economist, so it'd best for everyone if she just stuck to her blossoming real estate agent-attorney-dentist-birther leader career.

"So all I'm saying is, we've gotta close the gap a little bit between the rhetoric and the reality."

Asked if he had time for more questions, Obama said he wasn't in any hurry to leave since he was having so much fun manhandling these idiots so up close and personal. Bring 'em on!

"I'm having fun," Obama said. "This is great."

God, it feels good to be right!

Less so for Rep. Jeb Hensarling (who the f??), whose rambling, nonsensical question about spending was naturally met with all the respect such an important, noble question should command.

After interrupting him right in the middle of his red-faced incoherent rant and coming thisclose to actually getting his name right, Obama proceeded to respond.

"Jim (Jim, Jeb, what's the diff?), I know there's a question in there somewhere," Obama said."Because you're making a whole bunch of assertions in there, half of which I disagree with, and I'm having to sit here listening to it. At some point I know you're gonna let me answer it."

Awww, snap! Jimbo done got played!

But, don't worry, because Republicans, like Arizona Rep. Jeff Flake, know the event helped his party by showing that Republicans have offered alternatives to Obama's plans, other than their newly unveiled strategy, "hell no" and "drop dead."

"The real effort here was to convince people out there that we have offered solutions, we've offered things," Flake said. "For him to say, 'Yes, I've read your proposal; it's a substantive proposal' — that's good. That's a huge thing for Republicans."

Think about it! For the president of the United States to actually say, Yes, I've read your legislation (if we can even call it that) and it's pretty much the total piece of sh*t everyone thought it was, is as good as it gets. Huge! Huuuuuuge, I tell ya!

What'd you think, they call him Flake for nothing?

Yes, the GOP is alive and well, my friends!

Any more questions?

The Birthermercial: The Worst Thing To Happen To Birthers Since Orly Taitz!

Just when you thought the whackjobs and weirdos behind the Obama birther movement couldn't stoop any lower than trusting a Russian-born California real-estate agent-attorney-dentist to lead the feverish charge against the illegitimate presidency of Kenya's own Barack Hussein Obama, out comes a new birther infomercial. The world's first-ever birthermercial!

Yes, my friends, for the bargain basement price of $30 you too can get your very own "got a birth certificate?" bumper sticker and have your name added to a spam fax sent to the Justice Department and the 50 state Attorneys General demanding that that Mr. NObama produce his real birth certificate and not the "certificate of live birth" bologna they keep shoving down our throats. I mean enough is enough people!

But that's not all. Act now and you too can get a "special look at where Barack Hussein Obama was really born" courtesy of the community-access production values, heavy use of menacing string music and, as always, the sketchy used car salesmen-like stars you'd expect from a birthermercial.

Men like attorney and executive director of the birther group United States Justice Foundation, Gary Kreep, who ironically is nothing like his thick wire-rimmed glasses, squirly mustache, greasy hair, cheap unmatching suit, and LAST NAME would suggest. Nothing at all. Promise!

Same goes for producer and host of the program, fundamentalist Christian minister Bill Keller, who found God shortly after finding himself imprisoned on an insider trading conviction in the late 1980s.

In between interviews with Kreep and tempting viewers with their specially-created 'got a birth certificate?' bumper stickers, Keller kindly reminds those watching to add their name to "a petition going to GOP leaders to force President Obama to obey the law."

"Thank you for watching this very special presentation. This is a legitimate issue. Don't let people tell you otherwise. If the man was not born in Hawaii as he claims, he is not legally president."

Sort of like if the man found Jesus while in San Quentin, he is not legally qualified to be trusted on anything except producing some of the most God-awful, embarrassing blight of paid programming the world has ever seen. Snuggie included.

When Will The Chosen One Choose The Gays?

After eight loooong years of George W. Bush, those insatiable gays were finally ready for a president who doesn't believe Hurricane Katrina was God's way of showing his disapproval of their sinful lifestyle.

So when Barack Obama actually defeated that nice old man from Arizona to become America's first half-black president in history and the first semi-gay friendly prez in almost a decade, Americas' queers were overjoyed. Could Obama be the rainbow messiah they've been waiting for?

For starters, he wasn't afraid to say the dreaded three-letter word most candidates find any excuse possible to avoid. He called them by name. He said the word gay (gasp!). At not just when when he had to. But at black churches, in his speech to the decidedly non gay-loving NAACP, and even on election night. In all fairness, he also mentioned that other hedonist group, the atheists, and they're even worse than the gays!

Yes, Obama seemed a far cry from the country's straight white presidential past, and so while he worked to stimulate the economy back from the ravaged pit of despair left in Dubya's wake, figure out exit strategies from not one but two wars, help protect the environment, and reform health care so that uninsured Americans have more options than what color wooden casket they'd like, gays and lesbians sat patiently waiting for him to answer their prayers for equality.

In the meantime, momentum for the gays keeps building--in the courts, in legislatures, in the gay meccas of Iowa and New England. Hell, even freakin' Dick Cheney suddenly showed a soft spot for the gays, and not just cause daughter Mary is one of 'em but because he cares about justice and equality for every citizen of this great nation. Ha ha I'm just playing, it's totally because of her, well that, and the fact that he'll do anything to give Barry a hard time.

So the question remains what's a gay to do with Barry? Should they hate him for not doing more to overturn "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" or the Defense of Marriage Act? For not waving his magic wand and instantly granting America's favorite scapegoat of sin the rights they always heard about but never had? Rights that convicted felons enjoy like the freedom to serve in the military or have a quickie wedding in Vegas by a priest who also happens to be Elvis.

Some, like GLBT rabblerouser and big-time Democratic fundraiser Bruce Bastian, think this is a moral battle, and with truth on their side, it's time to stop being so god damn understanding.

"The President and Congress have really big items on their plate. I’m sure some politicians think, Why can’t the gays be patient? Well, every day that we’re patient we have more gay kids killing themselves. We have more soldiers getting their careers destroyed. We have more religious bigots convincing people to stay in the closet. You can’t get rid of bigotry with legislation, but you certainly can stall it. You can shut it up. Every day that we sit quiet and stay patient, we are losing people."

In other words, less articulate cogent arguments, more insane ramblings and mind-blowing disregard for reality. Just think of it like a Birther and ask yourself "What Would Orly Taitz Do?"

Dr. Orly Taitz, Esq. For All Your Tooth, Shelter And Fraudulent President Needs

Orly Taitz, the busy, Russian-born, California real estate agent-attorney-dentist who's also leading the "Birther" movement in its feverish charge against the illegitimate presidency of America's first non-American president, migrant Kenyan Barack Hussein Obama, has taken her quest for truth and sanity to the GOP holyland, the Internets!

Taitz' tireless efforts to expose Barack Obama as the U.S. citizen he is not and the secret Muslim terrorist that he is has finally paid off. She even has the high-profile Facebook "friends" to prove it! Friends like Republican National Committee Chairman of Hip Hop Michael Steele, House Republican Whip Eric Cantor and GOP Representatives no one's ever heard of, Mary Bono Mack and Cynthia Lummis. Wooohooo!

“I am in total disbelief and greatly honored,” Taitz blogged after Cantor accepted her as one of his illustrious Facebook friends. OMG LOL!

“To me it means that the leadership of the Republican party understands the importance of the issues and legal cases I brought forward. I hope more congressmen and senators join and either become additional plaintiffs or bring to the House and Senate judicial committee hearings the issues of Obama’s illegitimacy to presidency as well as suspected illegal activities by Obama and his supporters."

Despite pleas from her powerful new friends not to make too much of the "friendships" because they "mean nothing," Orly Taitz will not be swayed. She knows their acceptance of her on Facebook means they too can't rest until that fraud Barack Hussein Obama is removed from office and sent back to Africa where he belongs.

"It is a very important issue, one that politicians should have taken up a long time ago."

Too bad it took eight months for a sane, enlightened patriot like Orly Taitz to finally scare these slothful legislators into action. But thanks to dedicated, thrice-employed birthers like her, lawmakers everywhere "should be prepared to resign or be removed if they do not have the guts to stand for the Constitution and this country."

Or the guts to trust the Jewish (?) version of Tammy Faye Baker on the validity of anything other than how to use the settlement damages from your botched root canal to buy the house of your dreams!

Thanks Orly, You're The Best!