$arah Palin's Quest To Bring Down 22-Year-Old Cyber Menace Who Guessed Her Yahoo! Password Two Years Ago

Awful arctic drifter $arah Palin is apparently getting bored making boatloads of money by quitting her day job(s) so she can put all her energies into doing what she does best: nothing!

Except, of course, when using her vast political knowledge and expertise on all security matters to help bring to justice a terrible blight on humanity, an evil elitist college student who discovered her dumb e-mail password was easier to penetrate than daughter Bristol, and managed to upload a few screen shots to some obscure web forum, leading to a day or two of harmless pranks, thus compromising the security of the entire United States.

Sarah Palin testified Friday against a 22-year-old man accused of hacking into her e-mail account, saying later it's up to the judge to decide whether he should serve prison time if convicted.

Palin testified that the hacking compromised one of the main ways she communicated with her family back in Alaska as she campaigned in 2008 as the Republican vice presidential candidate. Outside the courthouse, when asked whether she thought community service was punishment enough rather than prison, she said, "That's up to the judge."

Former University of Tennessee student David Kernell faces up to 50 years in federal prison if convicted of identity theft, mail fraud and two other felony charges. His lawyer has called the case a prank, not a crime.

Asked outside court if she thought the charges against Kernell were excessive, Palin said, "I don't know, but I do think there should be consequences for bad behavior."

Like having a baby out of wedlock before graduating high school and being rewarded with a cushy job as president of your own PR firm as the harsh consequence of your careless actions?? Or something like that.

Either way, this type of criminal behavior must be stopped (at all costs!) before more innocent people get hurt by this out-of-control cyber madman hellbent on humiliating $arah and the entire precious Palin family by correctly guessing her incredibly easy e-mail password hint two years ago. Hooray!

The former Alaska governor testified that she used the "gov.palin" Yahoo account and a Blackberry for almost all communication with her family while campaigning as the 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee.

Palin's husband, Todd, listened as she testified. Their daughter Bristol testified earlier this week that she got harassing calls and text messages after screen shots of e-mail from the account revealed her cell phone number.

A former Palin aide also described receiving vulgar e-mails.

Kernell isn't accused of the harassment. But prosecutors say he improperly gained access to Palin's e-mail account in September 2008 by correctly providing her birth date and ZIP code and correctly answering that Wasilla is where she met her husband.

The nerve of that guy Kernell, using the vast knowledge he acquired reading the first two sentences of her Wikipedia page to unlock the secrets of $arah's mind, and correctly answer "Wasilla High" as the super-secret place where she met her hunky husband Todd.

Surely, the CIA should know about this ingenious college code cracker, who could dismantle a nuclear bomb with his savvy ability to outsmart Yahoo's stealthy "Change Your Password Scheme" by guessing what mind-blowingly obvious password a vapid, former half-term governor would pick to ensure the highest levels of security for the free online e-mail service on which she conducts official state business, and other very important matters like the next high ranking Alaskan official to be blackballed for slighting her highness.

One would think $arah would simply be embarrassed that the so-called "hacker" was able to pull off the heist by possessing two widely available things: a knowledge that the series of tubes known as the Internets in fact exists, and a half hour or so of free time.

Most people would be, but not our sweet $arah!

Instead, $arah can reset her password to something a tad more challenging like lipstick, maverick, teabag, retarded, moose stew, Facebook, teleprompter, or, if she wants to be really secure, hopey-changey, and the hapless college student will probably rot in a jail cell for the next fifty years or so.

And $arah Palin will get even richer off this faux-victimization act, justice will be served, and all will be right in the world.

You betcha!

Justice Is Blind...If Only Someone Invented A Language Of Dots To Overcome This Affliction

Ah yes, the mighty Supreme Court, the ultimate judicial body on all issues, including final interpretive authority on laws relating to technology across this great land. Hooray!

So while these nine justices--the brightest legal minds in the country--may be well versed when it comes to matters of Stare Decisis, ask 'em about Sega Genesis, and all you get are nine stumped robes with decisive stares.

During oral arguments in the case City of Ontario v. Quon, which considers whether police officers had an expectation of privacy in personal (and sexually explicit) text messages sent on pagers issued to them by the city, the savvy minds of the Supreme Court appeared to have difficulty wrapping their thick robes around all this crazy new technology, like electronic mail, cell phones, the series of tubes called the Internets, and those typewriter thingy's that come with a screen, DC's or PC's or something like that.

"The first sign was about midway through the argument, when Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr.--who is known to write out his opinions in long hand with pen and paper instead of a computer (and bitch about meany black presidents not named Bush)--asked what the difference was 'between email and a pager?'"

Ummm, let's see, how shall we explain this in a way someone of his age, who still uses a legal pad instead of an iPad, will understand?

You use email for contacting the wifey (like what time she should have your dinner ready), while a pager is for contacting the mistress (like which by-the-hour motel to meet you at), and never the twain shall meet! Capisce?

Wow. Perhaps you should loosen your robe, Juris Doctor Roberts, I think it may be cutting off your oxygen supply, unless it's your W-era software that is the problem.

He must still be runnin' Windows Operating System Bush 2.0. That one was full of bugs, coding errors, and compatibility problems outside the U.S, 'cept for Poland, Marshall Islands, El Salvadore, Azerbaijan, and other 'tech-savvy' Coalition of the Willing members with no standing armies or digital infrastructures to tweet of.

Go on?

Certainly one of other spry, young whippersnappers on the high court (besides the 55-year-young Chief) are familiar with all this off-the-hook youth technology apart from electricity and indoor plumbing.

Like 73-year old Supreme Court "tween," Justice Anthony Kennedy who asked what would happen if a text message was sent to an officer at the same time he was sending one to someone else.

"Does it say: 'Your call is important to us, and we will get back to you?'" Kennedy asked.

I emailed him to ask if he was really that technologically ignorant, but just kept getting this weird beeping sound. Maybe I'll have more luck sending smoke signals or carrier pigeons!?

Perhaps sprightly 74-year-old Justice Antonin Scalia could help enlighten the rest of us luddites with all this cutting edge mumbo jumbo like service providers.

"You mean the text doesn’t go right to me?" Scalia asked.

Oh sh*t! Now everyone will see the sweet nothings me and Clary send each other while chillaxin' in our robes discussing a certain illegal Kenyan's birth certificate late night in the chambers when no one's around to disturb us.

Then he asked whether they can be printed out in hard copy, using one of them devil machines.

"Could Quon print these spicy little conversations and send them to his buddies?" Scalia asked, fantasizing about the spicy little supper wife Maureen better be whippin' up, lest she wants the spicy little belt whippin' again.

But fear not, America! It wasn't just the justices who had technical difficulties.

When Justice Samuel Alito asked Quon’s attorney Dieter Dammeier if officers could delete text messages from their pagers in a way that would prevent the city from retrieving them from the wireless carrier later, Dammeier said that they could.

Apparently, Alito still wasn't satisfied, but unlike during President Obama's State of the Union address, did manage to contain himself from convulsing violently and mouthing "No, No!"

A few minutes later, Alito gave Dammeier another shot at that question, asking him, "Are you sure about your answer on deletion?"

Dammeier admitted that he didn't know. "I couldn't be certain," he said.

What is certain however, is that these living fossils do come in color. Kind of. If you count Clarence Thomas as "black," Scalia's fat red face, or Roberts and Alito's purplish rage whenever Comrade Barry calls them out for reversing a century of legal precedent, so Uncle Ben (the rice maker) can donate as much campaign money as Ben's Uncle (with the pace maker), just like our Founding Fathers™ intended.

Either way, looks like this justice system needs to reboot, reset, and restart. Otherwise, it's Game Over for the rest of us non-Apple II GS users. But be patient. This new dial-up takes a few minutes to load.

But, that's okay, we have all the time in the world. A whole lifetime to be exact.

Holy Cow-on-the-Tracks! Wacky RNC Chairman Michael Steeles the Show

Thanks to the magical land of tubes known as the Internets, precious moments once relegated to a secret corner of the attic can now be enjoyed by any loser with a computer and a connection.

That means everyday schlubs like you and me can now enjoy once-hidden treasures like this hilarious photo album of endlessly entertaining RNC Chairman Michael Steele striking various wacky poses with his awesome interns. Off-the-hook yo!

I don't know about you but I, for one, can think of nothing more delightful than chillin' with the chairman of the Republican National Committee while he shows off his phat skillz connecting with today's hip-hop Republican youth. For fun!

HAHAHAHAHA, he's so cool and wacky, he can even make a whole album of goofy photos. We're talkin' fist-bumps, badass arm-crosses, headlocks, hilarious bald-head rubbing, the old point and laugh, crazy back-to-back action, wild peace sign flashin', fake marriage proposals, the classic flamingo pose, and some of the craziest impromptu open mouth moves this side of the Potomac.

Because anything can happen when you're a wild and wacky Republican intern who just so happens to have the coolest cow in the world as your boss. Moo, Motherf**kers, moo!

New GOP Website Functions Much Like The Party: It Doesn't!

Yo, yo waaaasup America? It's your off-the-hook, resident GOP dancing avatar Micheal Steele welcoming you to the hottest website on the block, the fresh, new GOP.com baby!

RNC Chairman Michael Steele promised to "take this party to the streets" and God damn it, he wasn't messin' around!

The sweet, newly redesigned GOP website has everything a hip, young teabagger could want like a "What up?" greeting from hip-hop youth liaison Michael Steele, a bright red, star-spangled banner (communist China?) on the homepage that reads "GOP Faces" and alternates snapshots of different proud members of the GOP every time the page is refreshed. That sh*t is tight!

With all this youth and diversity and color, not only is this not your grandmother's Republican Party, it's also not any Republican Party that exists in any reality to speak of. (Try the Twilight Zone??)

Of course like any great transformational moment in history, the GOP's newly launched secret weapon has not been without hitch, with the website's much-anticipated(?) unveiling plagued by intermittent crashes, broken links, and the usual growing pains like the site's "Future GOP leaders" page linking not to fresh-faced rising Republican stars but to "404 Error: This page could not be found."

Ummm, ooops.

"The RNC’s big relaunch of its website has not gone so well today. In the last hour or so, the site has been crashing periodically. Reporters found holes in the site's content this morning, and lately visitors have found the site to be down altogether or, at best, extremely slow."

"You know your web program is in trouble when your site can't even handle the traffic bump from people making fun of your web program," the Obama campaign's former online guru, Joe Rospars of Blue State Digital joked to Talking Points Memo.

Well, Mr. Balls of Steele has a few words for those naysayers and haters out there.

"It's not even really a web site," Steele said. "It's a new platform for us." Boo-ya!

It's "a beta site" (he's been dying to use that new word he learned!), "So we're working out a lot of the kinks and the bugs. So the Democrats can have some fun," he said.

Need he remind you that when he ran for chairman he promised to "take this party to the streets?"

"We've done that, I think, in a very creative way," Steele said, adding that the site is "a new tool to communicate the new GOP."

Well, well no wonder it worked so well then!

Why Does Facebook Want To Kill Obama?

OMG, what in sweet heavens has happened to our favoritest Facebook?

The once friendly and innocent social networking site has suddenly morphed into a dark and creepy free-for-all--and this time, it has nothing to do with Sarah Palin.

Secret Service agents are scouring the Internets looking for the culprit(s?) responsible for a user-generated poll on Facebook which poses the question, "Should Obama be killed?" The poll features four answers: Yes, No, Maybe, and "Yes if he cuts my health care."

Once alerted to its existence, Facebook officials quickly removed the offending poll as well as the application that enabled its creation, and notified Secret Service who vowed, "We take these things seriously."

But the really terrible news: sadly "because the application was disabled, the responses to the nonscientific polls are not available."

Oh no-zees! Does that mean we're gonna have to wait for another one of the thousands of maniac racists with basic typing skills, a rudimentary understanding of English, and access to the Internets to get solid, "scientific" poll results like these??

Ugh, that'll take like forever!

Barry Surfs The Internets Just Like You & Me!

It's the weekend and Barry's got the comp all to himself! What on earth will dear leader do with his fun playtime alone on the Internets? Will he friend request Queen of the Facebooks Sarah Palin now that she quit running Alaska to take a full time job updating her Facebook status?

Will he hit up the Twitter like a cool Prez and go tweet-to-tweet with Twitterin' King Charles Grassley?

Perhaps he'll check out fakebirthcertificates.com and see if there's anything he can do to muzzle those annoying birther thorns-in-his side once and for all?

Or better yet, maybe he'll see what he can do about replacing that broke-ass, old 17-inch screen of his. I mean the President of the Free World shouldn't be stuck using a Gateway PC running windows XP atop a desk cluttered with an old Dell laptop, a lame inspirational quote mug filled with cheap ballpoint pens, a bunch of folders, stacks of papers, hand sanitizer, and please don't tell me that is a jar of throat lozenges I see near the edge.

Seriously, the dude is one Snuggie and couple of crumbs away from being exactly the same as the rest of us schlubs. Is he trying to make America look bad or something?

Dr. Orly Taitz, Esq. For All Your Tooth, Shelter And Fraudulent President Needs

Orly Taitz, the busy, Russian-born, California real estate agent-attorney-dentist who's also leading the "Birther" movement in its feverish charge against the illegitimate presidency of America's first non-American president, migrant Kenyan Barack Hussein Obama, has taken her quest for truth and sanity to the GOP holyland, the Internets!

Taitz' tireless efforts to expose Barack Obama as the U.S. citizen he is not and the secret Muslim terrorist that he is has finally paid off. She even has the high-profile Facebook "friends" to prove it! Friends like Republican National Committee Chairman of Hip Hop Michael Steele, House Republican Whip Eric Cantor and GOP Representatives no one's ever heard of, Mary Bono Mack and Cynthia Lummis. Wooohooo!

“I am in total disbelief and greatly honored,” Taitz blogged after Cantor accepted her as one of his illustrious Facebook friends. OMG LOL!

“To me it means that the leadership of the Republican party understands the importance of the issues and legal cases I brought forward. I hope more congressmen and senators join and either become additional plaintiffs or bring to the House and Senate judicial committee hearings the issues of Obama’s illegitimacy to presidency as well as suspected illegal activities by Obama and his supporters."

Despite pleas from her powerful new friends not to make too much of the "friendships" because they "mean nothing," Orly Taitz will not be swayed. She knows their acceptance of her on Facebook means they too can't rest until that fraud Barack Hussein Obama is removed from office and sent back to Africa where he belongs.

"It is a very important issue, one that politicians should have taken up a long time ago."

Too bad it took eight months for a sane, enlightened patriot like Orly Taitz to finally scare these slothful legislators into action. But thanks to dedicated, thrice-employed birthers like her, lawmakers everywhere "should be prepared to resign or be removed if they do not have the guts to stand for the Constitution and this country."

Or the guts to trust the Jewish (?) version of Tammy Faye Baker on the validity of anything other than how to use the settlement damages from your botched root canal to buy the house of your dreams!

Thanks Orly, You're The Best!

The Internets Is So Last Year, The GOP's Real Future Is On The Ethernets!

Thanks to former Alaskan senator and convicted felon Ted Stevens, you no doubt now know the Internet is not a big truck or something you just dump things on but a series of tubes. Obviously.

Well now it's up to another tech-savvy Republican, newly unemployed Minnesota Sen. Norm Coleman to teach us ignorant Americans a few things about the wild, wonderful world of computers and technology. The world of the future!

Speaking to a video-blogger at the Conservative Heartland Leadership Conference in St. Louis (think Star Trek convention for nutjobs), our friend Norman Coleman had a few words of advice for the GOP--if they want to stay relevant and on top of their game.

"In the end, we need to compete, as I've said before, we need to compete in each and every kind of forum...And whether it's on the ground traditionally, or today it's in -- it's in the Ethernet. It's in the -- you know, it's online. It's in the blogs, it's Twitter, it's Facebook, and the next iteration."

I mean get with the program people! Is Norm the only Republican who knows that dial-up is so last year?

Maybe everyone should take a cue from Stormin' Norman over here and learn a thing or two about the Internets and its endless possibilities. Once you get really good, he might even show you The Google.