Fox News Outraged That Barack Obama Had The Nerve To Invite Black People As Guests, Not Servers, To His Birthday Party

While the economy continued its downward hell spiral thanks to Standard & Poor's (really, that's the best name you could come up with? Really?) very responsible decision to downgrade America's debt and grind it into highly toxic, spite-flavored tea leaves for Republican enjoyment, Fox News was busy thinking up the most offensive, racist headline their little brains could muster accusing President Obama of celebrating his 50th "birth"day instead of single-handedly creating jobs for every (white) person in America.

The nerve! No, no, not Fox News equating a celebrity-studded backyard birthday BBQ in the White House Rose Garden with some kind of secret Muslim anti-employment Socialist Black Panther rally where they do scary "black people things" like listen to "hip-hop" and eat char-grilled burgers. Why, Barack Obama celebrating his five decades on this planet with actual black people, instead of just old racist white men who watch Fox News all day, of course!

Ugh, I mean, why didn't this barbecue party create jobs? The least he could've done is hire some Fox News viewers to flip burgers and re-fill beer glasses. For Christ's sake, why is Obama always pallin' around with black people, anyways? Why can't he party with some employed people like Ted Nugent for a change, or does he only like musicians who are black, blind and talented?

Maybe if he had some more white people there, other than Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, and the scores of similarly milky-hued people in attendance, they would accidentally create some jobs while Obama parties?

Point is no one knows. What Fox News does know, however, is that black people are not allowed to have money or parties or fun or BBQs unless the white people in the country get their money and parties and fun and BBQs first. It’s like this Negro President of ours STILL cannot remember the rules!

Maybe Fox would have better luck if they put it into rhyme over a phatty beat.

Finally, their first real job!

Fox News Knows The First Step In Solving The Crisis In Egypt Is Accurately Knowing Where It Is Located On A Map, Or Just Shoving It In The Spot Formerly Known As Iraq

Did the 60-year military dictatorship in Egypt end while you wasted away your weekend drinking Four Loko in the desperate hopes that enough carbonated toxic liquid would help make either of the not one, but two miserable All-Star snoozefests on the boob tube at least mildly entertaining, if not outright depressing?

Eh, no not yet. Still-President Hosni Mubarak continues to pretend that he is not the reason hundreds of thousands of angry Egyptians are rioting in the streets in violent protest of his 30-year iron-fisted rule over Egypt.

Did Fox News suddenly wake up and realize it was retarded? Unfortunately, not yet either.

Which is why, much like ol' Hosni M, Fox News cannot be held responsible for this particular comically special needs map, or any of the dumb, terrible, unintentional consequences it caused because it was broadcast before the current crisis, just like Mubarak was "elected" (one bullet=one vote) before the Egyptian Army started firing on peaceful pro-democracy gatherings of its citizens, demanding an end to Mubarak's repressive, though-not-completely-horrible-in-the-scheme-of-things rule.

Just think of what would happen if Egypt were actually directly on top of Iraq, like total catacomb style, and also next to Iran. For one thing, the U.S. occupation liberation forces in Iraq would be squished or suffocated, because of Egypt being on top of them and all!

Not to mention, what we thought were the awe-inspiring, ancient Pyramids of Giza turned out to be nothing more than the paper mache visual representations of Saddam Hussein's 100% UN guaranteed, get-rich-quick oil-for-food/not-killing-Iraqis Ponzi scheme.

But Fox News' ingested-too-many-paint-chips-as-a-kid-maps aside, could it be that the six decades of Egyptian military autocracy, led by the 82-year-old Egyptian version of Al Davis, is officially over, dunzo, finito?

Ummm, maybe. After all, Mubarak did name new cabinet members and convince the military to kindly agree not "to shoot-to-kill" peaceful protesters, even if Mubarak refuses to let the Internet Menace oust him from power, in 140-characters or less.

Meanwhile, the Obama White House expressed his administration's desire for restraint and a peaceful, orderly transition to a more responsive, democratic government, while at the same time warning against a takeover by religious militants who want to destroy the world, on their holy quest to bang 72 pristine virgins who've never even heard of the Jersey Shore.

In return, they will stop supporting (financially and otherwise) the decades-long reign of quasi-dictators like Hosni Mubarak simply because oh, I don't know, say, Egypt's fragile, albeit critical peace with Israel, sanctioned by Mubarak himself, helped stave off world-wide catastrophe in the form of World War III or worse, throughout the second half of the last century.

“The American government cannot ask the Egyptian people to believe that a dictator who has been in power for 30 years will be the one to implement democracy,” Mohamed ElBaradei, former head of the UN nuclear watchdog, told CBS’s “Face the Nation.”
“This is really a farce. I mean, people here could be poor, but they’re intelligent.

Ha ha, well, guess what!? Not only are Americans getting poorer, they also happen to be getting progressively dumber and increasingly obese at the same time. It's called having your Snooki and eating it too!

Not to mention, we Americans are diligent multi-taskers who believe that God granted us exclusive rights to rule the world when He lovingly crafted Adam and Eve out of clay and his own omnipotent wherewithal, in the Olive Garden or Garden of Eden or something.

If the American public was told a dictator who'd been ruling with an iron fist for 30 years, and blamed for widespread poverty, inflation, official indifference and brutality, would be tasked with implementing a democracy it's never had, they would believe it.

Hell, they believe Fox News, don't they?

Because they are an advanced, intelligent society whose brain cells are used for important matters like determining how many grams of high-grade cocaine and high-class call girls Charlie Sheen needs to snort and abuse, respectively, before deserving widespread public support and an all expense-paid vacation to a luxury spa/rehab resort in Southern California. Not how to overthrow a corrupt regime and install a democratically elected government that actually respects the universal human rights of all Egyptians instead.

So take that, Egypt, ya lazy bones mother mummy f**kers!

Besides, oil's well that ends well! Or at least that ends with decent oil prices so concerned Americans can drive their gas guzzling SUVs to their own wondrous, culturally indispensable, ancient Egyptian civilization...at the Luxor Hotel. In Las Vegas.

Hooray! Right Wing Succeeds In Getting Innocent USDA Lady Fired, Degrading The Race Debate, & Making Everyone Involved Look Terrible, Except Photoshop!

Word of advice to the Obama administration. Next time some rightwing media blight like Andrew Breitbart releases some highly misleading, clearly tampered with video showing (former?) USDA’s Georgia Director Of Rural Development Shirley Sherrod--whose job is was to basically help poor people (of all colors!) not get screwed out of their farms--as a terrible racist like the rest of the NAACP, perhaps a wise idea would be to maybe use your brains and at least look into the facts of the situation before having an administration-wide panic attack and immediately firing that person like some idiot coward.

Just a suggestion. Ya know, one of those "lessons learned" moments. So maybe the next time you get handed a bogus wingnut video proving, without a doubt, that Shirley Sherrod is totally 100% an out-of-context, edited racist, you'll know better than to let freakin' ANDREW BREITBART become THE authority on who's racist and who's spent the last, oh, I don't know, 20 years fighting the very racism that caused all this trouble in the first place?

Just in case you don't feel the need to have another humiliating scandal that makes you look really scared and really stupid, courtesy of fat white slobs who aren't even in the Republicans in Congress! Unless, of course you want the current political discourse to be hijacked by slovenly hate mongers who insist it's the NAACP who are racist hypocrites (and probably slave owners too!), not scumbag journalists whose job is to make as many baseless, incendiary attacks as possible, with the end result being more embarrassing firings of perfectly innocent, slandered staffers.

Oh, and while we're at it, perhaps the NAACP could also try to remember for a second that they are called the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People and not the National Association for Throwing Random Black People Under The Bus Because Andrew Bretibart Tells You To.

Jesus Christ! I mean seriously people. Then maybe we can actually avoid embarrassing White House shake-ups, awkward retractions and apologies, presidential phone calls, and your basic all-around shitshow, distracting from what is really important:

Getting as much, or as little, accomplished as the Grand Obstructionist Party and Fox News will let them.

If they get on their knees and beg for their forgiveness. Oh, and promise to take back all the terrible things they've already done like help poor people and/or children not die from lack of health care, and make sure Wall Street doesn't get filthy rich doing filthy things to the nation's economy, and of course, its easily preyed upon citizenry.

Haha, who those dumb old things?  Don't worry about them. The GOP certainly won't after they bamboozle you out of power, take back both congressional chambers, and control of this country from the racists and bigots at the NAACP and in the White House.

That way, Obama and all the others can go hang with the rest of the unemployed Americans fired for absolutely no reason whatsoever, because America functions so much better when it's governed by Apex predators, who are never racist and have a knack for avoiding unasked-for-media circuses by terrible, discredited human beings (and we use the term "human beings" lightly), who vomit on their keyboard and get decent, hard-working women like Shirley Sherrod the ol' heave ho for having a brain and character, being honest, and caring deeply about her fellow human beings.

In other words, the complete opposite of Andrew Breitbart.

So, congratulations America on achieving another made-up media spectacle based on absolutely nothing and propelling the race debate in America further into the gutter!

Just watch out for Andrew Breitbart, he's known to lurk in dirty, unsuitable for most oxygen-breathing organisms who don't scavenge off the miseries of others.

But on the bright side, isn't it simply wonderful living in a beautiful, color-free world where a black man can be president and racism no longer exists except of course when said black president is forced to run scared and fire innocent, decades-long proponents of civil rights all because the White Man told him to?

Which makes perfect sense, considering everything Whites have had to endure, what with first losing their slaves, and then having to share bathrooms, buses, restaurants, water fountains, and even public schools (gasp!) with them.

Haven't the poor, long-suffering Whites been through enough?

Oh No! Obama Picks Liberal, Jewish Woman Who May Or May Not Be A Real Live Lezzie As Next Supreme Bench Warmer

So the world came to a screeching halt last night when the lamestream media made it official (even if the White House didn't) that President Barack Obama had chosen the next Supreme robe to fill the large, liberal shoes of John Paul Stevens, who after decades of dedicated bench warming, was apparently ready to return to his hard rock roots, and reunite with his old band Led Zeppelin. Or something like that.

In any event, the important news is that Elena Kagan, former Harvard Law School Dean, U.S. Solicitor General (whatever that is), and Larry Summers look-a-like has been called upon by President Obama to help steer the Bushwhacked Court out of the Dark Ages and back on normal, 21st century course.

In Kagan, Barry's got all the fixin's: liberal, but not kumbaya kooky liberal, Jewish (so no more kvetching about Israel or Barry loving Muslims!), an actual ovary-possessing, albeit manly female (grrrrrrl power?), with the added mystery of sexual ambiguity (closeted lezzie, or run-of-the-mill homely woman?) to boot.

When it comes to the hottttt topic of Miss Kagan's fuzzy sexual orientation, it appears the jury's still out (no pun intended).

Logically, Elena Kagan is pretty much a sure-fire bet for confirmation, (sketchy closet-case or not).

Truth is, there are only so many things Kagan can possibly be, aside from a smart lady lawyer or judge of some kind.

There's always the possibility that she's a full-on lesbian, whose special lady friend is an "open secret," but who nonetheless backs equal rights for the entire GLBT community, except apparently career legal minds with, umm, shall we say, Supreme aspirations?

Which I guess would make her the first, sort-of out-of-the-closet gay Supreme Court Justice. Hooray?

Of course, the weird, awkward silence around Kagan's sexual orientation could also mean our newest Justice is bisexual, although something tells me the woman's not exactly "tearing it up" with either gender, so the assumption that she's playing for both teams seems slightly far fetched, but hey for all we know, the gal could be the Mickey Mantle of the other, all-time greatest switch-hitting list.

Stranger things have happened, no? Glenn Beck as a voice of reason on the right, Sarah Palin having an "actual" job, John McCain being a maverick, Michael Steele as a competent leader, the list goes on and on.

Then again, considering the White House's hysterical, furious response, treating the lesbian rumors swirling around their beloved nominee as if they were alleging pedophilia, necrophilia bestiality, or God-knows-whatever is worse than being a terrible queer, perhaps Elena Kagan is simply an unattractive straight woman with the misfortune of looking exactly like a post-op version of Larry Summers, after his M-to-F surgery.

But thanks to the sage wisdom of the Grand Old Party, the biggest opposition to Kagan, isn't even her questionable gayness, but rather her crazy, liberal belief that the original U.S. Constitution was "defective" because of the whole 3/5ths, blacks-as-slaves thing, as evidenced by her support of Thurgood Marshall's statement on the subject.

Ha ha, as if the first black Supreme Court Justice is qualified to speak on such matters.

Clearly, the only person allowed to speak on matters of race and racial inequality in America is off-the-hook, hip-hop RNC Chairman of Youth and Lesbian bondage clubs, Michael Steele. For reals, yo!

"Given Kagan's opposition to allowing military recruiters access to her law school’s campus, her endorsement of the liberal agenda and her support for statements suggesting that the Constitution ‘as originally drafted and conceived, was defective,’ you can expect Senate Republicans to respectfully raise serious and tough questions…"

Tough, hard-hitting questions like when is it okay for Republicans to oppose a Supreme Court nominee for umm, how shall we say this, not being overly concerned with hiring minorities and women over equally qualified white men, the very same affirmative-action ballyhoo conservatives detest and hold in typical white male contempt?

Why, when the nominee is an evil Democrat, of course!

But it takes a really big tent to simultaneously stand up for the awesome Confederacy and its proud tradition of enslaving black people, and bitch and moan about a potential Supreme Court nominee not hiring enough black people during her tenure as Dean of Harvard Law School.

Kagan, whose leadership at Harvard Law marked an unprecedented expansion of the program’s faculty, hired 32 tenured and tenure-track faculty. With one exception, all were white; only seven were women ….

To be sure, conservatives, who as a matter of principle oppose racial quotas for the purposes of hiring or admitting, will be wary of legitimizing such an attack. But with a limited body of published work to her credit–which is to say, nothing at all–the metrics by which the Senate may judge Kagan’s judicial temperament are limited.

Eh, like that's ever stopped them before. Besides, they much prefer to just make sh*t up anyway. Sooooo much easier that way!

Either way, the White House is pumped about its pantsuit-wearing, Pat-like pick, not named Hillary Clinton.

"Widely regarded as one of the nation’s leading legal minds, Solicitor General Elena Kagan has forged a path-breaking career in the law and in government service, distinguishing herself throughout by her penetrating intellect, unwavering integrity, sound judgment and prodigious work ethic."

OMG!!! "Penetrating intellect, unwavering integrity, sound judgment, and prodigious work ethic??"

Well, well no wonder Republicans can't stand the gal.

She's everything they hate, rolled into one big, butch, flannel and/or pantsuit wearing package. Minus the frilly bow, of course.

Oh, and sorry, Michael, she doesn't do leather or bondage...yet!

This Just In: Barack Obama's Entire Family Is Officially Black...Gasp!

OMG!! So, while we were off stuffing our fat faces full of marshmallow Peeps and Cadbury Creme Eggs in celebration of our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ's miraculous resurrection from the sweet hereafter, President Barack Obama was secretly filling out his evil Socialist Census, and what does Mr. Community Organizer go and do?

Finally 'fesses up and checks the box for "Black, African American or Negro." GASP!!

Which means, wait for it...our president, THE 44th president of the United States is...actually a person of color!? And to think, we were always under the impression he just had nice, deep glowing tan, like Italian prime minster Silvio Berlusconi is so fond of saying.

Well this just changes everything!

I mean who knows what else our President is hiding (other than his real birth certificate, of course!). Who knows if he even won the election by getting all those popular and electoral votes, or if he stole the darn thing right from under John McCain's old, maverick nose?? (With help from the elitist, arugula-eating, Jew-run liberal media, no doubt!)

What about his supposed white mom from Kansas? Does the guy even have a mom, or do they not do the whole "mom" thing over in Kenya? Maybe it's more of a two-daddy type thing over there. Like San Francisco, or Des Moines, Iowa (now that's its gone to the gays) or God forbid, even, Provincetown.

What we do know for sure is that President Barack Obama a). hates all white people, everywhere and b). filled out the Census for himself, alleged first lady Michelle Obama, their two, so-called "daughters" Sasha and Malia, and Michelle's mother Marian Robinson, who lives with the family in the White House. Which, one can only assume, is a custom unique to secret Muslim terrorists pretending to be Barry from the block.

Of course, this isn't the first time Obama's multiracial heritage has been front page fodder, the butt of late night talk show hosts, or a sure sign of the End of Days for wingnuts and assorted other patriots of white robes and matching hoods.

Even sassy host of last year's nerd prom (aka the White House Correspondents' Association dinner), comedian (and lesbian!) Wanda Sykes couldn't resist getting in on the hilarious multicolored action.

"The first black president!" she joked.

"I'm proud to be able to say that. That's unless you screw up. And then it's going to be, 'What's up with the half-white guy?'"

Not anymore, my friend, not anymore!

Latest Racist Anti-Obama Right-Wing Outrage Foiled By Common Sense, Simple Google Image Search

Omg, can you believe the nerve of this guy? Putting his dirty feet--the very ones he uses to walk on the ground--upon the sacred 'Resolute' desk given to us as a gift by dear Queen Victoria back when his people were still slaves, and civilized people occupied the Oval Office.

And this is the thanks she gets? A shiny black sole right in the kisser!? For shame!

Well, thank heavens this sort of elitist behavior will not go unnoticed by the throngs of right-wing cranks, teabaggers, and white power enthusiasts scouring desperately for something, anything, to prove this chocolate-skinned demonchild from Kenya has no place in the pure White House of blessed, God-fearing America.

So, in light of the unfortunate fact that it is no longer acceptable to say the "N-word" on the teevee or radio (Fox News included), the wingnuts on the right were forced to do the next best thing and send a furious email about NObama's latest affront to decency, honor, and the light-skinned integrity of the presidency.

Subject: Keep your feet OFF the furniture!

Does this photo of President Obama in the Oval Office convey anything to you about his attitude?

Would you speak with the Chief of Staff, your Chief Economics Adviser, and your Senior Adviser with your feet up on the Resolute Desk – a gift from Queen Victoria to President Rutherford B. Hayes in 1880?

We should inundate the White House with emails demanding he keep his feet off of our furniture.

This arrogant, immature & self-centered man has no sense of honor, or of simple decency.

While this posture is disrespectful in any culture, it is absolutely never done in any executive setting.

Further, in over half of the cultures of the world, it is recognized not only as disrespectful, but as an extreme insult.

He thinks of himself as a king — and not as a servant of the people, humbly occupying our White House for his term in office.

Electing him was an enormous mistake — and will cost us in many ways, for generations.

Conservatives haven't been this outraged since that incorrigible Rosa Parks lady refused to give up her seat and move to the back of the bus like a decent elderly woman. Once again, hundreds of years of tradition, reverence and honor destroyed in one fell genuine leather thud.

Oh and don't give me the whole "George Bush did the same exact thing when he was in office" bullsh*t. Cause it is completely different!

At least George W. Bush had the common decency to be white when kicking back and spitting on British royalty's good-faith gift to their former colonial possession.

What About Us?? Obama Assures Neglected Dems He Loves Them Too (In Spite of Being Massive Failures)

Jealous that the Socialist president everybody despises but secretly wants to jump into bed with, Barack Obama, spent some Quality Time alone with the terrible House Republicans during their group sex therapy rehab session policy retreat, the Democrats are now demanding Barry come to their powwow and bash them for being a bunch of pussy failures who ruin everything, too!

Of course, the historic Newseum in Washington DC isn't nearly as exciting as the Republicans' secret (sex?) bunker in Baltimore, but what do you expect from the party who thinks having an overwhelming majority means acting like a petrified minority with nary a legislative trick to stop them from being completely steamrolled by the scary Republican minority juggernaut, whom they outnumber 59-41? Yikes!

So, Barry is forced to go before his very competent and functional, brave Democratic party members to remind them yet again that George W. Bush is no longer president and, as such, they no longer have to hide quivering behind the inflatable Ronny Reagan blow-up doll Rahmbo brought in case of emergency. Like John McCain in the midst of one of his signature meltdowns (after embarrassing himself on live teevee again!) or Chuck Grassely scouring desperately for another teet to suckle (watch out, Nancy!).

Special thanks to the bravery of Barney Frank, who so generously volunteered his services to ensure all Democratic men are safe (at least for the time being) from the wide-stance ways of notorious man-tail hunter, Sen. Larry Craig.

So, everybody was all excited about President Obama's lovely pep talk with the Dems (especially Fox News), urging them that "we still have to lead" and not to give up, even after losing the filibuster-proof supermajority (they were too s-s-s-s-scared to take advantage of anyway). Hooray!

"All that's changed in the last two weeks is that our party's gone from having the largest Senate majority in a generation to the second largest Senate majority in a generation," Obama said. "And we've gotta remember that."

Then please feel free to squander it as you normally would.

But it wasn't all lectures and disappointment on Obama's end. No sir-ee! Barry even found some way to work in some praise and a few, "job well dones" or at least "job well trieds."

Like thanking the Democrats for not giving up in the face of unrelenting Republican obstructionism (and idiocy), and praising them for overcoming "enormous procedural obstacles that are unprecedented" in modern times, noting the fact that they cast more filibuster-breaking votes last year than in the entire 1950s and 1960s combined (so, at least they have more balls than the hippies?).

"That's 20 years of obstruction packed into just one...We extend a hand and all we get is a fist in return."

Time to put up your dukes, boys...and Nancy!

"I've said this before to this caucus, I want to say it again: for me it is constantly important to remind myself why I got into this in the first place.... You don't get into this for the fame, for the title. You get into it because at some point in time there was an issue that made you want to stand up and be counted, to fight for something."

Ehhh, not really. Unless changing the BCS rules counts, cause if so, then yes, hell yes!

"One of those issues being healthcare (Doh!): Well here we are, with a chance to change it.... As we think about moving forward, I hope we don't lose sight of why we're here. We've got to finish the job on health care. We've got to finish the job on financial regulatory reform. We've got to finish the job even though it's hard."

"If everyone here turned off their CNN, their Fox, turn off the TV, blogs (no!) and go out and meet real people ... they don't care quite frankly about majorities and minorities. We've got to get out of the echo chamber. That was a mistake I made last year, I didn't get out of here enough."

Hear that? Away from you freakshows and your echo chambers. Away, awaaay, awwaaaayy, awwwaaaaaayyyyy, awwwwaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy...

"What I'm not open to is a decision to stay on the sidelines and then assign blame. I have little patience for the kinds of political calculations that says the benefit of blocking everything is greater than the cost of doing nothing. That basically says if you lose, I win."

Well, Barry don't play that game, biaaatch!

But before he bid adieu, President Obama urged Democrats not to shrivel up like a wilting flower after losing their magical 60th Senate seat in January's Massachusetts special "incompetence edition" election.

"If anybody's searching for a lesson from Massachusetts, I promise you, the answer is not to do nothing."

It is to run like hell, shrieking at the top of your lungs and hoping, no, make that praying, that a certain Cosmo model from Massachusetts by the name of Scott Brown, doesn't mow you flat over in his gas-guzzling, macho pickup truck careening through New England en route to Washington, DC, where he will sit proudly atop Teddy Kennedy's ol' bones and contemplate the best way to rape ride his legacy full steam into the White House Oval Office.

Which, unlike NObama's hideous chocolate-hued mug, actually matches the lovely shape (not to mention color!) of his aesthetically beautiful, perfectly symmetrical face.

Former Bush White House Official (Not Named Dick Cheney) Charged With Attempted Murder of Wife, Self

Former Bush administration Deputy Counsel (and all around swell guy) John Michael Farren has left his wild days as the go-to guy for all legal issues concerning President George W. Bush and the White House in order to spend some quality time trying to kill himself and his lovely wife Mary at their upscale suburban Connecticut home, two days after she presented divorce papers over what she called his "explosive temper." Hahaha, women.

Apparently, Farren figured what better way to enjoy his idyllic, post-political life than by choking his darling longtime wife and beating her senseless with a flashlight before turning the knife on himself and threatening to slit his wrists in a beautiful homicide/suicide combo act of devotion.

Only slight problem being neither John Michael Farren nor his wife Mary are actually dead. Whoops.

So now Mr. Hot Shot attorney whose savvy legal knowledge was used not by one, but both Bush presidents (coincidence?), is spending his peaceful private sector days languishing in a jail cell where he's being held on attempted murder and first-degree strangulation charges for $2 million bond. Ha, chump change. Thanks to Bush's nice tax cuts, even someone in the White House's second salary bracket should have no problem covering that.

"We are saddened to hear the news," said David Sherzer, spokesman for George W. Bush. "This is a personal matter and we will not be commenting on it."

Fred Fielding, Farren's former boss in the White House counsel office, said, "This report is sad and stunning, and completely out of character to anyone who knows or has worked with Mike."

Usually, former Bush staffers get away with their crimes.

But then again their experience is typically more of the high crimes against humanity variety. Attempted first-degree murder of a spouse is soooooo vanilla.

Punking the White House: America's New Pastime

Much like Parents of the Year Mayumi and Richard Heene, fellow oddly-named scumbags Michaele and Tareq Salahi know the quickest way to strike it rich in America involves doing something tacky and quasi-illegal, and then getting the elitist media to cover it endlessly, and turn a handsome profit in no time at all!

It's the American way!

Why else would that nice couple from the upcoming reality TV show "The Real Housewives of Washington DC" sneak their way into the White House and crash President Obama's first state dinner if they didn't care that much about America?

It's not like gatecrashers Michaele and Tareq are bankrupt, fame-obsessed celebrity-wannabees with a long, bizarre history of crashing A-list soirees, who owe money all over town but have no way of coming up with the cash unless...

Wait. You don't think this fab duo figured they might be able to use their gatecrashing skill (hot blonde+rich "ethnic" dude) and almost celebrity status to oh, I don't know, let's say, break into a presidential banquet, Facebook the sh*t out of their latest crazy accomplishment, and then sell their wacky White House adventure to the highest bidder for a handsome six-figure sum, do you??

And to think, I just figured they were happy, well-adjusted individuals with deeply fulfilling lives who in a sudden surge of patriotic love and pride decided they simply had to get a handshake from that man everyone was always buzzing about, Barack something or other.

No-Name Bush Speechwriter's "Tell-All" Magnum Opus Will Save Journalism!

Some speechwriter for George W. Bush you've never heard of named Matt Latimer who had the joy, no make that the privilege, to serve El Presidente numero 43 during the tail-end of his 8-year-term screwing America from behind, is giving the nation a much anticipated behind-the-scenes glimpse into the total disintegration of the Bush White House in its final days as it dealt with the 2008 presidential race, the Wall Street collapse, and a host of other problems it had not the faintest clue how to solve.

Of course, this mid-level White House wordsmith is clearly the only one to know anything about the inner-workings of the Bush White House (more even than the man himself), since he worked in the White House turning nonsensical ideas into coherent sentences and witty sound-bytes for Fox News to run on repeat during the President's final twenty-two months. That's almost two years!

Which was more than enough time for Matt Latimer to realize his dreams of going to Washington to usher in the next Reagan Revolution wasn't going to happen with a president who'd rather put whoopee cushions on chairs in the West Wing than have a serious discussion about the economic meltdown consuming the nation.

In 2007 I finally made it to the Bush White House as a presidential speechwriter. But it was not at all what I envisioned. It was less like Aaron Sorkin’s The West Wing and more like The Office. After watching Karl Rove’s bizarre farewell to White House staffers and hearing the president dismiss the conservative movement I believed in (“I know it sounds arrogant to say,” he told me, “but I redefined the Republican Party”), I thought I could muddle through till the end. Washington might not have been the city I had dreamed of, but I figured things couldn’t get much worse.

Spoiler alert: He's wrong. They do! But before all hell breaks loose, this VIP White House insider got just enough juicy tidbits to ensure his post-Dubya days wouldn't be spent toiling away in shameful obscurity but as a full-fledged celebrity. We're talking Levi Johnston level star here!

Exciting, little-known morsels of fun like how even as he was shoring up his case to win the worst president ever award, George W. Bush still found time for the important stuff like making everyone laugh with his unique blend of wit and charm, despite capitalism as we know it crashing down around him.

To look like we were doing more, we announced various initiatives, such as assembling an alliance to encourage lenders to renegotiate loans. For a while, the communications guys—Ed Gillespie and Kevin Sullivan—wanted the president to give a toll-free number for Americans to call for assistance with their mortgages. I thought that was embarrassing, as if George W. Bush were Jerry Lewis.

Yeah, cause that's what's embarrassing about his presidency.

Wanna know something else? Much like our soon-to-be-famous new friend and journalist extraordinaire Matt Latimer, Dubya didn't much care for any of the available presidential options to replace him in 2008 since none had the special God-given gift of being born a Bush.

The president, like me, didn’t seem to be in love with any of the available options. He always believed Hillary Clinton would be the Democratic nominee. “Wait till her fat keister is sitting at this desk,” he once said (except he didn’t say “keister”). He didn’t think much of Barack Obama. After one of Obama’s blistering speeches against the administration, the president had a very human reaction: He was ticked off. He came in one day to rehearse a speech, fuming. “This is a dangerous world,” he said for no apparent reason, “and this cat isn’t remotely qualified to handle it. This guy has no clue, I promise you.” He wound himself up even more. “You think I wasn’t qualified?” he said to no one in particular. “I was qualified.”

Wait, did Dubya just call Obama "this cat?"

The president didn’t think much of Joe Biden either. “Dana, did you tell them my line?” the president once asked with a smile on his face. “No, Mr. President,” Dana Perino replied hesitantly. “I didn’t.” He paused for a minute. I could see him thinking maybe he shouldn’t say it, but he couldn’t resist. “If bullshit was currency,” he said straight-faced, “Joe Biden would be a billionaire.”

HAHAHAHAHA. OMG, it just doesn't get much better than that. For reals! Bush also considered Sarah Palin to be one of the biggest idiots he'd ever met, not counting all those A-holes in Congress he always had to go in front of and say big words to. “This woman is being put into a position she is not even remotely prepared for,” he said. “She hasn’t spent one day on the national level. Neither has her family. Let’s wait and see how she looks five days out.”

There's a bunch more stuff about how Bush didn't like McCain either, mostly because McCain refused to be seen with Bush and spent the last year or so bashing his administration which made things kinda awkward, but heck, anything was better than having some crazy Dem in office. Cause then everyone would know how much Bush sucked and that wouldn't be good for him or the Republican party he helped destroy. So that was that.

Thank you Matt Latimer for doing the whole world a favor and proving once and for all that Mike Huckabee was all wrong about journalism being a rotting, maggot infested corpse of lies and misinformation.

The fourth estate is alive and well my friend!

Right-Wing Celebrates Overthrowing One Of Obama's Evil Czars

Oh no-zees! Amid the quiet R&R of Labor Day Weekend, the White House fired outspoken BLACK "green jobs czar" Van Jones, making the surprise announcement in the wee-early hours of Sunday.

But what terrible crime did Van Jones commit to get the ol' heave-ho by Obama and crew, (other than the obvious problem of his rather dark skin color)?

Ready for it? He called the Republicans "assholes" (gasp!). The nerve of that man! Of all the indecent, horrible things to do, calling the party that wants nothing more than for the Obama White House to implode a meany name ranks high on the list of top offenses.

For a White House trying to fight through health care reform, and encourage bipartisan cooperation in the face of unabashed GOP obstruction and baseless personal attacks, the latest overblown controversy had terrible timing.

As Press Secretary Robert Gibbs explained, "What Van Jones decided was that the agenda of this president was bigger than any one individual. The president thanks Van Jones for his service in the first eight months." And now kindly asks him to scram.

In a resignation statement early Sunday morning, Jones said: "On the eve of historic fights for health care and clean energy, opponents of reform have mounted a vicious smear campaign against me. They are using lies and distortions to distract and divide." So I guess it wasn't his first choice to resign?

While the Jones controversy appears to have gotten its momentum from trustworthy, conservative voices of reason like Glenn Beck, it spread quickly once the right-wing realized forcing Obama czars to resign was better than any orgasm they've never had.

Former press secretary to President George W. Bush, Dana Perino couldn't agree more.

"Resigning was the right thing to do," Perino said, adding she was "curious how he made it that far into the administration when a Google search could have told you he believed that the Bush administration had allowed 9/11 to happen. It'd be like the Bush White House having a former Klansman or Holocaust denier in the West Wing."

Ha ha imagine that? Well I for one feel so much better knowing it was just a bunch of demented, inept, torture-loving, constitution-hating psychos instead.

No-Drama Obama's Rules To Live By...

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The Spy Who Knew Too Little: The Rise (And Fall?) Of Leon Panetta

Oh no, is there trouble in Barryland? Perhaps, if you consider the Obama administration's decision to begin a criminal probe of alleged CIA abuses during the Bush administration, minutes after the release of a newly declassified CIA document describing how interrogators threatened to do all kinds of crazy things to detainees, like kill the children of one Sept. 11 suspect and rape the mother of another. You know, typical spy stuff.

But not everyone is happy with these so-called constitutional freedoms that allow the nosy public to view the 2004 CIA inspector general report on all the death it caused, minus the 20 or so pages blacked out for security reasons, not to cover-up illegal activities or heaven forbid torture or anything like that.

CIA director Leon Panetta for one thing is NOT AT ALL pleased with Mr. Goody Two-Shoes Attorney General Eric Holder's decision to appoint a prosecutor to investigate the matter since spies are perfect and would never do anything legally or morally questionable. Ever.

Which explains why Panetta's been getting schooled in the art of temper tantrums from resident expert Rahm Emanuel, so that he can direct his profanity-laced tirades at the whole stupid administration for daring to question the way his spy agency conducts its business of saving America from terrorist attacks and other assorted apocalyptic doom.

Keep this up Barry, and you just might find yourself out of a CIA director. How's that sound? Oh yeah, and then what?

The CIA relies on stability, and the last thing it needs in these uncertain times, is its fifth director since 9/11 storming out the door after an expletive-filled screaming match with White House staff.

Of course, the CIA dismissed the report as "wrong, inaccurate, bogus and false" (wink, wink), Panetta denies any plans to leave his precious CIA, and the only thing the White House would say about the little tirade is that Panetta's known to use "salty language."

Ha ha, yeah, like you're gonna get Leon "Stone-Cold" Panetta to tell you jack sh*t. Even if he knew anything (which, eh, he doesn't), he wouldn't want you people poking around his perfect little spy community, digging (not-so-nice) things up, and exposing his spies.

The gentle and dedicated men and women in the intelligence community willing to go to any lengths (ANY!) all because they love America...and Freedom! And once in a while getting to go medieval on someone's ass. Consequence free, of course!

Barry Surfs The Internets Just Like You & Me!

It's the weekend and Barry's got the comp all to himself! What on earth will dear leader do with his fun playtime alone on the Internets? Will he friend request Queen of the Facebooks Sarah Palin now that she quit running Alaska to take a full time job updating her Facebook status?

Will he hit up the Twitter like a cool Prez and go tweet-to-tweet with Twitterin' King Charles Grassley?

Perhaps he'll check out fakebirthcertificates.com and see if there's anything he can do to muzzle those annoying birther thorns-in-his side once and for all?

Or better yet, maybe he'll see what he can do about replacing that broke-ass, old 17-inch screen of his. I mean the President of the Free World shouldn't be stuck using a Gateway PC running windows XP atop a desk cluttered with an old Dell laptop, a lame inspirational quote mug filled with cheap ballpoint pens, a bunch of folders, stacks of papers, hand sanitizer, and please don't tell me that is a jar of throat lozenges I see near the edge.

Seriously, the dude is one Snuggie and couple of crumbs away from being exactly the same as the rest of us schlubs. Is he trying to make America look bad or something?

Barack Obama Celebrates His "Birthday"

Happy Birthday Barry, that is if you were even born and not immaculately conceived in the town of Bethlehem some two thousand years ago.

If it is indeed true that Barack Hussein Obama was actually birthed from the womb of his white Kansas mother as he claims and not hatched from a primordial egg in outer space, the President of America will celebrate his 48th year of consciousness today.

He'll spend the high holy day in closed door meetings at the White House where he will plot with the entire Democratic Senate caucus how best to turn America into the Soviet Union and whether he wants chocolate or vanilla birthday cake this year. Ugh, decisions!

Hell, maybe this year Barry will even go out on a limb and go with a nice mix. Marble cake anyone?

The Cheers! That Changed The World

Remember the good old days when the only qualification for being president was how many people wanted to grab a beer with you? This flawless construct that twice gave us President George W. Bush may no longer be the gold standard but that doesn't mean beer has to be exiled to shameful obscurity, too!

Which is why Barry is bringing barley back. That's right. The president of the world is hosting a racial summit/happy hour to smooth over a little incident involving a non-racist white policeman arresting a black Harvard professor in his home, making him very angry, which in turn caused the president to get angry and say something about stupid cops acting "stupidly." Which didn't go over so well with the stupid cop in question.

So basically Obama got himself in the middle of this mess and now finds himself hosting an afternoon kegger on the White House lawn. Being President sucks!

But what Obama can't understand is why everyone is so "fascinated about this evening" when it's just "three folks having a drink at the end of the day and giving themselves a chance to listen to each other."

The goal of Thursday's brew crew isn't to amuse the media with their clever, albeit inaccurately named "Beer Summit" but to reduce the "anger and hyperbole" and promote "self-reflection" on an event that has become "so hyped and so symbolic."

An event that should never have happened since the election of Barack Hussein Obama as president was supposed to mean the end of racism forever. So much for promises!

But the real surprise was the appearance of resident ice-breaker Vice President Joe Biden, who enjoyed a cold one along with the President, Cambridge police Sgt. Jim Crowley and Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr., who of course already had the pleasure of making acquaintances when the former arrested the latter on the charge of being a black man living in a nice house in an upscale neighborhood.

“Even before we sat down for the beer, I learned that the two gentlemen spent some time together listening to one another, which is a testament to them,” Obama said. “I have always believed that what brings us together is stronger than what pulls us apart. I am confident that has happened here tonight, and I am hopeful that all of us are able to draw this positive lesson from this episode.”

Like how getting arrested isn't always a bad thing. If you play your cards right, it may even come with a White House tour and beer party on the Rose Garden lawn, complete with frosty mugs, all-you-can-eat silver bowls of pretzels and peanuts, and the one-of-a-kind comic stylings of Fightin' Joe Biden.

“I think many people would have hardly imagined something like this happening this time last week,” Gibbs said. "I think that kind of dialogue is what has to happen at every level of our society if we’re going to make progress on issues that we've been dealing with for quite some time.”

“I don't think the president has outsized expectations that one cold beer at one table here is going to change massively the course of human history by any sense of the imagination.”

Don't sell yourself short people! This changes everything. Now, not only is it possible to have a black man as president of America, it's also possible to get arrested before getting wasted. And to think, I always thought beer drinking was supposed to precede the disorderly conduct charges. Silly me!

Blue-Eyed Aryan Angel Glenn Beck Fears The Obama Black House

Everyone knows Fox News host and brave, golden-haired messenger of truth Glenn Beck was among the first to warn America about Comrade Barry's socialist revolution and his deviant plot to turn America into the new Soviet Union.

Luckily, America's patriotic guardian is always on the look-out against evil freedom-haters and other ominous, presidential threats to America.

Like the (half-black) KKK Grand Wizard America was duped into electing President of the world, only to find out he hates the white, Kansas half of himself--and three-fourths of America too!

Clearly, President Obama's handling of the controversy over the arrest of Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates Jr. by inviting the hostile white cop and angry black professor over for beers at the White House proves what Glenn Beck has been squawking about all this time.

President Obama's "deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture." He's not sure which one exactly, but believe you me, Glenn knows Obama is no fan of Whitey.

When asked to explain why a bigot like Obama would allow the light-skinned enemy to perpetrate the upper echelons of his cabinet, Beck offers his usual airtight argument and respect for facts.

"I'm not saying he doesn't like white people, I'm saying he has a problem. This guy is, I believe, a racist."

The only exception of course being his love of the WHITE Sox (gasp!), but thankfully the beautiful black tends to overshadow that awful milky hue.

What A Long Strange (100 Day) Trip It's Been!

100 down, 265 to go. Repeat three times and voila! Barack Obama's first term is officially in the history books. What a wild ride it's been so far!

So, what has Barry managed to accomplish in his first 100 days in office, aside from insult the Special Olympics and the entire disabled community, hobnob with Hollywood stars and athletes, get a dog not from a shelter as promised but from a Kennedy, pal around with dangerous Socialists like Hugo Chavez and those two Castros, and embark on the first part of his master plan to turn America into Soviet Russia.

But President Obama's communist reign of terror doesn't end there.

Not by a long shot.

Obama has also spent these first 100 days gutting many of George W. Bush's brilliant policies, undoing eight years of his hard work keeping America safe by destroying the economy, raping the environment, flushing the Geneva Convention (and Constitution) down one of Gitmo's toilets, once they unclog the damn Koran stuck in the drain, and showing the world what happens when you mess with the mighty Red, White, and Blue.

Makes you miss the good old days. When someone competent was in office. Instead of Mr. 3-D-loving cool guy we call President now. I mean if the guy can't even stop crazy pig diseases from attacking the United States, how the hell is he gonna stop the terrorists!?

Covering their mouths and washing their hands?

Obama Uses Air Force Photo Op As Fun Excuse To Terrorize Wall Street

Well, well if it isn't Barack Obama once again terrorizing the good people of this country--including his favorite target, the innocent lambs on Wall Street.

This time, it wasn't his usual arsenal of executive pay caps, increased government oversight, and sensible tax policies that sent New Yorkers into a tizzy, but something far, far more sinister: the perfect Air Force One photo op!

Now, President Obama wasn't actually on the plane (he was in Washington at the time) and was not even informed in advance of Air Force One's low-altitude joy ride over New York harbor, which caused terrified Wall Street workers to flee buildings and run screaming into the streets for something other than the latest Dow Jones Industrial average.

But that didn't stop President Obama, who was also apparently furious about the incident, from apologizing and ordering an immediate review of the little publicity stunt that cost taxpayers $328,835 and caused a furor in the otherwise tranquil pastures of New York’s financial district.

“It was a mistake,” Obama said. “It will not happen again.”

God damn right it won't. Because John McCain is on it, my friends! And an apology and acceptance of responsibility from White House Military Office director Louis Caldera just ain't gonna cut it.

It doesn't matter that federal officials “took the proper steps to notify state and local authorities in New York and New Jersey" who then apparently forgot to share the information with Mayor Bloomberg.

What matters to Mr. McCain is that "the disruption and panic caused by the flight should have been foreseeable."

To think, if only Obama had even a fraction of the foresight the man who gave us Sarah Palin has, this whole mess could have been avoided altogether. Just imagine where we'd be then!

Why This Night Is Different From All Other Nights

Barack Obama will make history on Thursday night not only as the first U.S. President to ever host and attend a Passover Seder at the White House, but as the first secret Muslim terrorist to celebrate the Jews' escape from pyramid-building enslavement in Egypt.

While presidential proclamations in honor of Passover have been common throughout past administrations, this year's Seder is believed to be the first of its kind.

Sure, passover meals were held in the Clinton and Bush White Houses for staff and aides, but neither president actually participated. Bill was busy having a "private" lesson on Judaism with his personal tutor Monica Lewinsky in the Lincoln Bedroom and well, Dubya doesn't care much for Jew crackers with weird "M" names he can't pronounce.

The White House was mum on details of the Seder, except to say that it will be "a small, private event very similar to - and mark the anniversary of - the Seder Obama held last year while he was still battling Hillary Clinton in the Pennsylvania primaries."

The guest list includes the president, First Lady Michelle and their daughters, Sasha and Malia, as well as a dozen staff members and friends, most of whom joined Obama's impromptu Seder last year when the first night of Passover fell during a campaign stop in Harrisburg, PA.

After all, that celebration did turn out to be prophetic. In addition to the traditional closing line, "next year in Jerusalem," last year's participants jokingly added the line "next year in the White House!"

This time it will probably be "next year in economic prosperity" if I know Barack Baruch.