Teabaggers Know Obama 'Bin' Pretendin' To Be American 'Agin'!

You may think Teabaggers are nothing more than ignorant, gun-crazed Grand KKK Wizards with nothing better to do than intimidate old people at peaceful health care town hall debates, and pretend to go into cardiac arrest outside of Senate offices because they love freedom but hate black presidents who try to give them more health insurance options than starve to death or pay for their five-year-old kid's life saving kidney operation.

But did you know that they are also comic geniuses? Think about it. Without these frizzy haired, toothless lovers of herbs, spices, and liberty waving Nazi signs signs and WWJD posters, there would be no hilariously stupid homemade signs to provide hours of entertainment and hearty laughter for the rest of us unpatriotic Socialists who hate America and want nothing more than to see the Constitution burned and strung up from the nearest tree in an exciting, fun-filled public execution ceremony.

Which is why we are eternally grateful for these loyal patriots who drove their freedom trucks from all across the U.S. of A to head to the heart of darkness (aka Washington, DC) to participate in Tuesday's "Code Red Health Care Rally" to protest the $875 billion health care bill and harass the terrible DEMONcrats trying to shove health care down the throats of decent, hardworking Americans whose throats feel just fine, thank you very much.

But this time, the evil Feminazis and abortionists running the Democratic Party have decided to finally fight back against the crazy Republicans' attempts to turn every single, obscure-yet-common procedural move into proof of the coming doomsday Barackalypse.

House Speaker and chief SS officer, Nancy Pelosi had the nerve to send House Democrats a memo offering tips for how nervous Dems should handle the crowds of blood-thirsty teabaggers swarming their offices, demanding either answers or heads-on-sticks. Preferably, the latter.

"Tens of thousands of conservative and Tea Party activists will be on the Hill as part of what they are dubbing a 'Surge Against Obamacare,'" reads the memo, which also includes a checklist of provisions in the current bill to counter the "caricature of the reform bill presented by right-wing media outlets."

A checklist of facts which includes such mainstream media lies as: "Reduces the deficit; Cracks down on Medicare waste, fraud, and abuse; Provides historic tax credit for small businesses and individuals to purchase health insurance."

Haha, nice try Nancy. I mean who needs facts when you have throngs of pitchfork-wielding teabaggers carrying their own, awesome, homemade versions of the truth?

Truths like "Obama bin Lyin' Agin" because everyone knows our 44th President is really Al Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden disguised as a charming former community organizer with a sweet jumpshot and a burning desire to reform health care in a twisted, ingenious plot to curb the insurance industries fleecing of the public, and improve the health of the nation, just so he can destroy the whole, robust lot of 'em once they're no longer bed-ridden and/or rotting in debtors prison.

Of course, "Agin" isn't just the savvy teabaggers way of spelling "again," like a true American either, but likely secret code for something terrible and racist dumb people like to call colored presidents when they try to come between them and their doctor and the insurance company already lodged cozily between them.

But the big question is what the hell is a George W. Bush cartoon doing on the above teabagger's lovely sign?

Certainly, it can't be a picture of NObama, without the obligatory Hitler mustache, watermelon patches, or piles of Jewish corpses to accompany it.

C'mon people, how are we supposed to get all fired up about Barry's Bolshevik plot to murder Grandma and snack on Baby Trig if we don't even know how to properly draw an insulting cartoon version of him?

I mean, here we are, supposed to hate the man for destroying The Great America, and all I want to do is hug him, grab some beers, and maybe go for a ride on his magical Dumbo ears over to Crawford Ranch to visit his twin brother and lovely wife Laura, in retirement, after his productive, eight-year stint almost destroying civilization as we know it.

With health care.

Right-Wing Celebrates Overthrowing One Of Obama's Evil Czars

Oh no-zees! Amid the quiet R&R of Labor Day Weekend, the White House fired outspoken BLACK "green jobs czar" Van Jones, making the surprise announcement in the wee-early hours of Sunday.

But what terrible crime did Van Jones commit to get the ol' heave-ho by Obama and crew, (other than the obvious problem of his rather dark skin color)?

Ready for it? He called the Republicans "assholes" (gasp!). The nerve of that man! Of all the indecent, horrible things to do, calling the party that wants nothing more than for the Obama White House to implode a meany name ranks high on the list of top offenses.

For a White House trying to fight through health care reform, and encourage bipartisan cooperation in the face of unabashed GOP obstruction and baseless personal attacks, the latest overblown controversy had terrible timing.

As Press Secretary Robert Gibbs explained, "What Van Jones decided was that the agenda of this president was bigger than any one individual. The president thanks Van Jones for his service in the first eight months." And now kindly asks him to scram.

In a resignation statement early Sunday morning, Jones said: "On the eve of historic fights for health care and clean energy, opponents of reform have mounted a vicious smear campaign against me. They are using lies and distortions to distract and divide." So I guess it wasn't his first choice to resign?

While the Jones controversy appears to have gotten its momentum from trustworthy, conservative voices of reason like Glenn Beck, it spread quickly once the right-wing realized forcing Obama czars to resign was better than any orgasm they've never had.

Former press secretary to President George W. Bush, Dana Perino couldn't agree more.

"Resigning was the right thing to do," Perino said, adding she was "curious how he made it that far into the administration when a Google search could have told you he believed that the Bush administration had allowed 9/11 to happen. It'd be like the Bush White House having a former Klansman or Holocaust denier in the West Wing."

Ha ha imagine that? Well I for one feel so much better knowing it was just a bunch of demented, inept, torture-loving, constitution-hating psychos instead.

Michele Bachmann Urges You To Slit Your Wrists For Freedom!

Unstable Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachman traveled all the way from the wilds of her congressional district to a faraway land called Denver to call upon her fellow conservative warriors to join together in the fight against President Obama's evil, socialist plot to reform health care.

"This cannot pass," Michele told the crowd. "What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing. This will not pass. We will do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn’t pass."

"Something is way crazy out there," she said. "Right now, we are looking at reaching down the throat and ripping the guts out of freedom. And we may never be able to restore it if we don't man up and take this one on."

"This is slavery," Bachmann explained after claiming many Americans pay half their income to taxes. "It’s nothing more than slavery."

Oh no! We must protect freedoms' guts...from Obama! So quick, everyone slit their wrists and bleed to death to protest affordable health care. It's the only way to save America from the apocalypse of universal coverage and break free from the bitter shackles of income tax slavery.

Oops, with all this talk of blood and guts, I almost forgot my manners...

Ladies first. After you, my dear Michele!!

Why Are America's Event Planners All Out To Get Sarah Palin?

Where in the world is Sarah Barracuda Palin? Alaska's sultry superstar has once again mysteriously disappeared right before she was scheduled to speak at one of her very important fundraisers, this one so slutty teenagers who get knocked up have no choice but to have the baby unless they want to get the ol' parental approval for an abortion.

Now normally Sarah's habit of shirking her duties is limited to elected terms in office, but ever since becoming an unemployed publicity whore and Facebook junkie, Palin's erratic behavior has instead metamorphosed into canceling paid speaking engagements at the very last minute while pretending she was never invited in the first place.

But since this is the "fourth time in recent months that an anticipated Palin speech has fallen through after Palin and her camp disputed they had ever confirmed it," loyal Palin spokesperson Meg Stapleton is used to concocting perfectly good explanations for these embarrassing incidents known as the Sarah Palin experience.

This time it's an event by the Alaska Family Council promoting an Alaska ballot measure aimed at making it illegal for teens to get an abortion without telling their parents. Organizers of the event have been advertising that Palin would give a speech and become the first official signer of the ballot petition tonight at ChangePoint, the Anchorage megachurch.

Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton said Wednesday, that "this is the first we have ever heard of a speech." She said Palin is out of state and won't be there, but naturally declined to provide details on where Palin is and what she is doing.

Alaska Family Council President Jim Minnery said it was news to him that Stapleton was saying Palin had no knowledge of the speech, since organizers have been talking to Palin "contacts" for weeks about it.

"All we can do is take people at their word that we've worked with in the past," Minnery said. "We've been working for several weeks on the event, promoting it very heavily. It would be a grave disappointment if she doesn't show up but the show will still go on."

Well, I'll be damned! This is indeed odd--even by crazy Palin's standards. Either literally hundreds of event organizers across the USA have joined forces in a massive conspiracy to fool the unsuspecting public into believing the Ice Queen herself would be gracing their shindigs with her glorious presence, even though it was just a figment of their imaginations. Or she was so busy protecting Trig from Obama's death panels, defending golden-haired messenger of truth Glenn Beck from the liberal media's unfounded, vicious character assassination, and posting on her favoritest Facebook, that everything else completely slipped her mind!

I mean what other explanation could there possibly be? She's on plug-patrol for Grandma?

Hey Kids, It's Comedy Hour With Barney And Rush!

Aww, snap! Someone just got served! Big bad Barney Frank doesn't like being interrupted. And he certainly doesn't like having his town hall discussion disrupted so that some seemingly normal looking woman who's actually bat crazy can ask him pressing, substantive health care reform questions like, "Why are you supporting this Nazi policy?" while holding up a tasteful Obama equals Hitler sign.

Which is precisely why Barry very calmly answers this young gal's query by calling her approach, "vile, contemptible nonsense" and responding with his own question, "On what planet do you spend most of your time?"

He then decides not to humor this idiot lady with a legitimate answer because "Trying to have a conversation with you would be like arguing with a dining room table." And being the reasonable person that he is, Barney really doesn't see any point in trying to talk sense into an inanimate object with racist tendencies. Fair enough.

But not everyone thinks this dining room table got a fair shake from old Barney.

Sure, Rush Limbaugh thinks "it's fabulous and fantastic, and hilarious that a woman shows up at a Barney Frank town hall meeting with an Obama-as-Hitler poster and this Nazi stuff, in his district. I mean, this is unreal."

"But the killer for me was, here's Barney Frank saying, 'What planet do you live on?' to this woman. Isn't it an established fact that Barney Frank himself spends of his time living around Uranus?" HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Get it?? No, not because he's Jewish but because he's a GAY (gasp!). LOL! Hilarious.

And to think it only took Rushy three scrapped drafts, 200 revisions, a trough of dark roast coffee, twenty cans of Red Bull, five large pizzas, two double bacon cheeseburgers, 10 cigars, and three bottles of his usual hydrocodone-oxycodone cocktail to come up with it!

Looks like it's SHOWTIME at the Apollo for someone...

Republicans Keeping It Classy Per Usual

Oh, nothing unusual. Just your average Republican Rep. from Kansas (where else?) Todd Tiahrt ranting against Obama's health care plan with the airtight argument that if health care covered abortions, Obama's mom might have aborted him.

Luckily, Todd understands what Obama and the rest of those socialist Democrats don't--that low-income mothers of African-Americans, like President Barack Obama and Justice Clarence Thomas, would have aborted their children, if only given the opportunity to have a free, government-funded abortion. Oooh enticing!

"There is a financial incentive that would be put in place, paid for by tax dollars, that would encourage single parents, living below the poverty level, to have the opportunity for a free abortion. If you take that scenario and apply it to many of the great minds we have today, who would we have been deprived of? Our President grew up in those similar circumstances. If that financial incentive was in place, is it possible that his mother might have taken advantage of it? Clarence Thomas, Supreme Court Justice, if those circumstances were in place, is it possible that we’d have been denied his great mind?"

Possible sure. Everyone has the right to dream.

GOP 2012: Back To The Future

Some Enlightened CPAC Slogans

No Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) would be complete without its annual straw poll to see which Republican candidate is the early favorite to lose 2012's presidential race against Democratic demon child Barack Hussein Obama.

For the third straight year, the lucky (or unlucky depending on how you look at it) CPAC poll winner was none other than former governor of the godless gay marriage state of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney.

Which doesn't mean a whole lot considering Romney also won the poll in 2007 and 2008, only to eventually lose the presidential nomination to John McCain who placed fifth. Expect maybe good news for this year's illustrious fifth place winner Newt Gingrich, if the former House speaker had any plans to run in 2012.

So barring Ronald Reagan's miraculous resurrection, looks like the GOP presidential field is wide open.

Thankfully there's still four years before the elections, because it's gonna take a while to sort through this list of winners. With rock stars candidates like these, the GOP should be a lock in 2012. Ha ha Barry won't stand a chance.

The Breakdown:

• Mitt Romney - 20 percent (Another meaningless win for the hot Mormon)
  
• Bobby Jindal - 14 percent (This even after his stunningly bad Mr. Rogers speech. Impressive)
  
• Ron Paul -13 percent (Not a chance in hell for this maverick)
  
• Sarah Palin - 13 percent (You betcha' she didn't need to show up!)
  
• Newt Gingrich -10 percent (Thanks, but no thanks)
  
• Mike Huckabee - 7 percent (Still here, still not going anywhere. 'Cept getting weirder)
  
• Mark Sanford - 4 percent (Who?)
  
• Rudy Guiliani - 3 percent (9/11!!!!)
  
• Tim Pawlenty - 2 percent (Who?)
  
• Charlie Crist - 1 percent (Called Obama's favorite Republican, the kiss of death)
• Undecided - 9 percent (Aka Joe The Plumber

Will The Next Ronald Reagan Please Stand Up?

Let's Try This Again...

Mulligan?

Since we all know what happened the first time Supreme Court chief screw-up John Roberts tried to swear in Comrade Barry, White House counsel Greg Craig decided to try again, hoping this time the nation's esteemed head Justice could actually recite the oath of office without turning it into a jumbled mess of unconstitutional nonsense.

Although the White House insisted the do-over was out of an "abundance of caution," President of cool Barack Obama was his usual charming self, joking it was because "We decided it was so much fun."

It was not at all to make sure some right-wing loonies didn't start trying to claim that Obama wasn't really the president. The flubbed inauguration oath was just another scheme in the vast terrorist conspiracy known as Barack Hussein Obama.

UN Joins Growing List Of Terrorist Organizations Supporting Barack Obama

Looks like another shadowy terrorist organization is in the can for middle-class hating Socialist Barack Obama. Al Jazeera? Nope. Al-Qaeda? Close. Hezbollah? Good guess.

Give up? Why, it's the United Nations, of course!

An "informal survey" of more than two dozen UN workers and foreign delegates show a vast majority--26 of 28, to be exact--prefer Democrat Barack Obama over Republican candidate John McCain to become the next U.S. President.

These "closeted but proud" Obama supporters in the UN come from everywhere: Russia, Canada, France, Britain, Germany, the Netherlands, Sierra Leone, South Africa, Indonesia and a bunch of places you've probably never even heard of.

William H. Luers, executive director of the United Nations Association explained:

"It would be hard to find anybody, I think, at the U.N. who would not believe that Obama would be a considerable improvement over any other alternative. It's been a bad eight years, and there is a lot of bad feeling over it."

Another enthusiastic Obama backer from an African country (ha, figures!) put it more bluntly:

"I have not heard a single person who will support McCain; if they do, they are in hiding."

Well, guess what Einstein, we found two. But turns out one was an American and the other couldn't vote.

Unfortunately, the rest of those knuckleheads over at the United Nations are all still swooning over some "amazing transformational" dude who actually respects the UN and international law.

Hey, what do you guys have against the old man anyway?

Sure he has wisps of white hair, can be bit awkward sometimes, and has called for the "establishment of league of democracies," which is basically GOP code for the UN to go "f**k itself and die."

But, ask yourself is that really worse than a secret muslim elitist celebrity terrorist socialist with a mysterious past hell-bent on stealing your money and spreading the wealth like some half-black Robin Hood with a God-complex trying to take over the world?

Oh, I see.

Plumber Joe To The Rescue!

Elitists Call Him Joe Wurzelbacher, But You Know Him By Another Name

Oh my god, this changes everything.

Joe the Plumber just dropped a bomb on the American public by coming out of the woodwork (or wherever it is that plumbers come out of) to announce his support for John McCain. I know, craziness!!

But, wait, it gets even juicier.

Not only does Joe The Plumber back McCain for President, he also reveals that if Barack Obama wins the election, he is "scared for America."

Us too. But, we feel so much better now that Plumber Joe, who represents every blue-collar worker in the entire country, is considering a political future of his own.

Yes, the new hero of the middle class, has his eyes set on a seat other than the toilet: Democratic Rep. Marcy Kaptur's congressional seat for Ohio's 9th district.

We think this is a brilliant idea. I mean, these past two weeks have clearly given Plumber Joe all the necessary political experience.

And who better to plunge the crap out of Washington than America's most beloved sanitary worker?

Obama's Just Chillin' His Way Into History

Barack Obama's feelin' pretty pretty good right about now. Ailing grandmother aside, things are looking bright for everyone's favorite Socialist.

With early voting underway (and setting records) in many states, and Election Day rapidly approaching, Barack Obama appears to be cruising towards the White House--and the history books.

Not content just being the first black major party nominee, the so-called "candidate of change" also finds himself positioned to win the largest share of white voters of any Democrat in more than three decades.

Please, like the white vote matters in this country.

So, perhaps Mr. Obama should not get too comfortable in his elitist designer flip-flops from Target.

Sure, he has a sizeable lead and all the momentum now. But, you never know what can happen between today and November 4.

After all, change is possible, right?

Aw, Snap! Someone's 'Bout To Get Served

I don't know about you, but all this election talk is really starting to grind my gears. Normal people, unlike us weirdo bloggers, have probably felt this way for some time now.

So, it is for sanity's sake that I offer you this little under-the-radar gem. Hey, the rule is, if it features at least one presidential candidate (break dancing or otherwise), it qualifies as legitimate political content.

But, throw in both candidates (preferably a young black dude and an old white man), add a dance floor and some phat beats to the mix, and you my friend have struck pure gold.

Remind me again who said politics was boring?

Obama's Favorite Baseball Team Is Whichever One Leads To The White House

That secret Muslim terrorist Barack Obama is at it again. In his latest flip-flop, Obama took a break from plotting his socialist takeover of the U.S. to campaign in Florida, a key swing state in the election and home to the World-Series bound Tampa Bay Rays.

After being introduced by several Rays players during a campaign rally in Tampa Bay today, Obama, who is a self-proclaimed fan of the Chicago White Sox, had the audacity to congratulate the crowd on their team's surprising run to the World Series.

"I have said from the beginning that I'm a unity candidate, bringing people together. So when you see a White Sox fan showing some love for the Rays and the Rays showing some love back, you know we're onto something here.”

Liar!!! Perhaps Mr. "unity candidate" Obama forgot that he already pretended to like that other team headed to the World Series, the Philadelphia Phillies, while campaigning in Pennsylvania last week.

“My White Sox are gone, so I’ll go ahead and root for the Phillies now.”

How dare Obama "show some love" for one team, after already vowing to root for another!? I mean what the hell is this guy trying to do anyway, win an election or something?

The Treacherous Obama Meets And Greets TB Rays Players In Florida

The Softer Side Of Sarah

Aw, that's sweet. Taking a cue from Sears' successful ad campaign, Sarah Palin has decided to show the world that she too has a softer side.

Yes, the woman who less than two weeks ago was firing up crowds by accusing Barack Obama of "palling around with terrorists" has taken a decidedly different tone while campaigning this week.

Could it be that America's favorite lipstick-wearing pitbull has finally been neutered?

Let's examine the evidence.

Just last week, Palin came under scrutiny for stoking the flames of hatred and racism during several of her KKK-inspired GOP rallies throughout the country.

Many of these fiery speeches featured Palin posing the question, "Who is the real Barack Obama?" to which the patriotic crowd logically responded by chanting, "Obama Osama!" "kill him," "terrorist," and the always lovely "off with his head."

But then a funny thing happened. Palin suddenly decided the terrorist-loving, America-hating, secret Muslim may not be so bad after all.

In fact, Palin's sudden realization that Obama might be running for president because he actually cares about America, even prompted her to tell reporters, "I don't question at all Barack Obama's love for this great country."

But what about his terrorist buddy, Bill Ayers, and his crazy kook pastor Rev. Jeremiah Wright?

She'll leave that up to the American people to decide. Using the same judgment and knowledge they used to decide that the idea of her and Gramps in office is enough to scare the living bejesus out of them.

Want To Know What Barack Obama Really Thinks?

Unless you've been living under a rock or in an abandoned ice cavern somewhere near Wasilla, I'm sure by now you know that Tina Fey does a mean impersonation of Alaskan huntress Sarah Palin.

But did you know that a certain celebrity terrorist and presidential candidate named Barack Obama also has an alter ego of his own? He does.

His name is Alphacat, and we are all better off because of him. Here he offers us a glimpse into a side of Barack Obama the public seldom gets to see.

Which is real shame, because beneath Barack's unflappably cool, calm exterior, lies a hidden tiger just waiting to be unleashed. And this tiger's got one wicked sense of humor...


His Name May Be Barack Obama, But You Can Just Call Him "The Business!"

All About The O? More Like All About The Joe!

Ding-ding-ding, we've got a winner! It took a few casualties along the way (need I even mention that god-awful town-hall debate?) but the final presidential showdown kept its promise and delivered a clear-cut victor: Joe the Plumber!!

Yes, ladies and gents, Joe the Plumber, hands down beat both McCain and Obama to emerge as the clear front-runner of this historic presidential election.

Oh sure, both candidates had their moments. McCain got to declare once and for all that he is actually not George W. Bush. And Obama got to assure the American people that, no, he does not chill with William Ayers in his living room.

We also learned that Sarah Palin's special needs child makes her more than qualified to not only be Vice-President, but President-President. Her four other regular needs children? Eh, not so much.

Let's see what else. Oh yeah, Palin's hubby Todd is one tough-ass mother f**ker and pretty hunky too, or at least that's what Johnny tells us. Obama was probably being humble and didn't mention it, but believe me, you wouldn't wanna mess with Michelle Obama either.

Instead of having all these boring, elitist "policy debates" between the two candidates, why not just cut through the BS and have them take off their shirts, compare muscles and settle this once and for all like responsible adults. We can even have Joe the Plumber judge. It’s brilliant!

Let The Games Begin!

Things are not looking so hot for John McCain. On the eve of the final presidential debate between the two candidates, smooth-talking hipster Barry Obama has opened up a whopping 14 point lead over that other candidate of change, Johnny "My Friends" McCain.

There is no doubt that for both candidates, tonight's final debate looms large. But for John McCain, who is looking to narrow the increasingly widening gap between himself and Obama, the stakes are even higher.

Which does not bode too well for old Johnny. Unfortunately for the GOP maverick, tonight's debate focus is on domestic issues, including the current economic crisis engulfing the nation. Which we all know is not exactly McCain's strong suit.

But do not despair, my friends! One thing John does know how to do is improvise.

We are confident that Johnny will find some way to talk about the issues he does know a thing or two about, like how Barack Obama hates America, loves to pal around with terrorists, and desperately wants to teach sex-education to Kindergarteners.

And if all else fails, McCain does have a few crowd-pleasing tricks up his sleeve, like his stunning power-point presentation on how to survive five years in a Vietnamese prison.

Now losing your home doesn't seem so bad after all, does it?

Si, Se Puede! Latino Voters Say Adios To John McCain

Uh-Oh. The already grim outlook for John McCain's White House aspirations just got a little darker, er lighter. Hispanic voters--previously one of McCain's strongest demographic groups--appear to be fleeing the straight-talk express at a rapido pace.

But where are they all running to you ask? Surely not to that godless celebrity terrorist Muslim Barack Obama.

Yes, it is true. Despite the Democrats poor track record with Hispanic voters in past elections, Latinos are suddenly going loco for Obama, helping Obama secure the broadest support from Latino voters of any Democrat in a decade.

On the flip side, John McCain has not fared quite so well. In fact, recent polls show McCain struggling to capture even 30 percent of the Latino vote, a far cry from Bush's historic 40% in 2004.

I guess Bush and McCain really are different after all!

He's Baaaaack!!

After months of leading rival John McCain in almost every national poll, Barack Obama seemed to be cruising into the White House, his victory all but assured. But then the unthinkable happened.

John McCain came back from the dead.

Unlike Jesus before him, McCain's resurrection did not come from God or within (well, actually the God part is debatable, depending on who you ask). No, his Savior came in the form of a seductive Alaskan hunter moonlighting as legitimate politician.

Armed with his new "Trophy Vice," McCain enjoyed a huge surge in popularity, with post-convention polls showing him tied or, in some cases, even ahead of Obama for the first time since the campaign began. Finally, the Republicans had a celebrity to call their own! In one fell swoop (and several lipstick-on-animal references), the re-energized McCain campaign went from laughing joke to serious threat.

But like all good things must, this too, had to end. Less than three weeks after the McCain-Palin lovefest first started, Obama once again reclaimed his Mojo and his rightful place atop the polls.

Apparently, it took the public approximately 21 days to realize that no amount of confetti and balloons could change the fact that McCain is still a creepy old guy, Sarah Palin is still the Antichrist, and Barack Obama is still infinitely cooler, smarter and better than we'll ever be.

Bubba Has Seen The Future...And His Name Is Barack Obama

For everyone who is feeling a tad nervous over the recent McCain/Palin surge in polls and is ready to just hand the election over to those God-loving, freedom-preserving Republicans, do not despair!

Hope is on the way--and it comes in the form of a 62-year-old former U.S. President turned political prophet, William Jefferson Clinton.

Affectionately known as Bubba, this sax-playing Democratic sage is helping soothe the Democrats' rattled nerves by predicting that Obama will not only win in November, but will "win handily."

Phew! We feel so much better now that Clinton assured us an Obama victory, because everyone knows that Bill is never wrong and would never say anything that is not less than 100% true. Under any circumstances. Ever.


"I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman"