Glenn Beck University: A Higher Education For Those With Higher Callings & Even Higher Doses Of Antipsychotics

Why waste your time spending oodles of your precious, hard-earned money on those arugula-eating, elitist institutions with their liberal values (abortions & homos!) and hoity-toity academic accreditations? When for just a fraction of the cost you can get all that and more!

Welcome to the brand spanking-new manifestation of Glenn Beck's alcohol and drug ravaged, born again mind, "Beck University" where eager, knowledge-hungry pupils can brush up on fundamental courses like "faith," "hope," "charity," and "101 creepy things you can do with a chalkboard."

All while putting money straight into the pocket of their favortiest teary-eyed patriot of decaffeinated herbal beverages, and pudgy poster boy for what happens when mental illness goes untreated, Glenn Lee Beck.

It's true, America!

While the rest of the nation is relaxing poolside or wallowing in liberal dens of iniquity like secular summer camps not exclusively devoted to the study and worship of Jesus, the chosen few, who pledge their allegiance to a weeping blond haired, blue-eyed baby face Aryan Fox anchor with a buzz cut and not-at-all-bizarre obsession with the Third Reich, can head back into the classroom for "a unique academic experience bringing together experts in the fields of religion, American history and economics."

“School may be out for the summer, but for Glenn Beck class is just starting,” reads an announcement on Beck’s website. “This July, while others are relaxing poolside, head back to the classroom — from the comfort of your own home. That may sound like an oxymoron, but Glenn’s new academic program is only available online.”

Actually, pretty much just the moron part.

For those fellow truth seekers and pudgy, pale patriots of White America, Glenn Beck's University has everything one could hope for pray to Jesus Christ for. Like online classes which "meet" every Wednesday through September 1 and boasts three renowned, certifiably wingnut, deeply committed (to mental hospitals?) "professors" teaching "Faith 101," "Hope 101," and "Charity 101" for entry level students, with 102 and 103 level classes in subsequent weeks.

Oooh, meaning you can too can earn your PhD in freedom in almost the amount of time it takes Glenn Beck to pour artificial tears into his eyes, and have his daily one-on-one conversation with God before the camera starts to roll.

Plus, you'll finally perfect drawing that lovely swastika you've been practicing, thanks to Glenn Beck's personal tutorial on how to decorate your home or office with beautiful Nazi insignias even Hitler would love.

Not to mention, the one-of-a-kind opportunity to sit inside, in front of a computer screen on hot summer days, combing through conspiracy theories and learning all about how you too can help take your country back from illegal Kenyan terrorists with a deep-seated hatred for white culture, or just deep-seated hatred of fat white idiots with small brains and extra large tear ducts, or whatever the case may be.

The classes are offered exclusively to anyone who signs up to be Glenn Beck's "Insider Extreme" subscribers, pays the bargain basement monthly fee of  $9.95, and possesses the unique ability to suspend brain activity for endless hours at a time.

Naturally, the mission statement of Beck University is gleaned from the Latin saying on its Coat of Arms: "Tyrannis Seditio, Obsequium Deo," which sort of translates to "Revolution against tyrants, submission to God."

Or for those among us who don't spend their days contemplating the oppression of the White Man while staring out of their Overton Window, "Revolution against truth, submission to God-complexes."

“Through captivating lectures and interactive online discussions, these experts will explore the concepts of faith, hope and charity and show you how they influence America’s past, her present and most importantly her future,” the website promises.

Like what would happen if, say, every last one of Beck's freedom fighters suddenly freed themselves from inhabiting this Earthly realm??

Hmmm, The Rapture?

Quick, sign up now and you get a special bonus course at no added charge: Vicks VapoRub Weeping 101. With a special introductory session for those looking to brush up on their skills making fun of 11-year-old first daughters for asking Daddy when he's going to plug the hole.

Likely as soon as Professor Beck wraps up his lecturing leaking toxic waste Tour de Farce and decides class is dismissed.

Which should be right around the time he's offered his first major motion picture starring role as the title character in the Nutty Professor III: F**k the Klumps, Beck's Bringing Kluxy Back!

When Gov. Jan Brewer Said Her Father Died "Fighting The Nazis" She Simply Confused Nazis With Mexicans, An Honest Mistake!

America's fiercest blonde-haired fighter of scary Mexicans, Aryanzona governor Jan Brewer just can't stop shrieking about all the wonderful reasons to round up the state's brown people and kill them ship 'em back to Mexicanland or wherever the hell it is these dark, menacing "things" come from.

But you know what hurts sweet Jan even more than terrible brown people milling about her whites-only state? Being called horrible, MEANY names like Satan, Marilyn Manson, or heaven's forbid, the absolute worst name in the history of insulting names, Hitler's daughter (gasp!).

Well this stings sensitive Miss Brewer more than you can possibly imagine. Deep, searing pain that rips right through her tan-but-not-Mexicanish-tan, desert fried flesh, and pierces straight into her shriveled sun-scorched, still-beating, little heart.

Why, you may wonder?

Ummm, maybe because Jan Brewer knows everything there is to know about being hunted by Nazis simply for being a Jew, Queer, Intellectual, Communist, or other putrid, non-Aryan minority of sin, and her hunting brown people couldn't be any farther from, say the Nazi policy of forced detention followed quickly by forced extermination. They're not even in the same realm, really!

She would know too, considering her father, her brave, warrior father, sacrificed everything to fight the Nazis, on their own dreadful, Jew-nourished, blood-soaked German soil. Hell, he died doing that. This takes real courage!

Almost as much courage as it took St. Jan to make up this wildly audacious lie, which in turn gave the rest of us the courage to proclaim that Jan Brewer deserves to be tied to a post outside the Holocaust Museum and left to rot, while the vultures (not the dirty Mexicans for once!) have their way with her.

Here's what Gov. Jan Brewer told the Arizona Republic: 

"The Nazi comments…they are awful," she said, her voice dropping. "Knowing that my father died fighting the Nazi regime in Germany, that I lost him when I was 11 because of that . . . and then to have them call me Hitler’s daughter. It hurts. It’s ugliness beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.”

Beyond anything she's ever experienced! Or fabricated! Or pulled out of her pasty white Neo-Nazi behind. Because her awesome, fearless father, the one who died braving evil Nazi forces in the heart of Deutschland, actually died a decade after World War II, of lung cancer, and the closest he ever came to "fighting the Nazi regime in Germany" was working in a weapons plant in Nevada during the war.

Nevada, Normandy, is there even a difference?!? All you have to do is substitute Hitler's foot-soldiers with Mexico's field workers and voila! it's Battle of the Bulge all over again!

And since we know upstanding, Republican politicians like Jan Brewer would never lie or exaggerate about how her father, Wilford Drinkwine (no joke...really, that's his name) met his heroic end fighting Nazis in Germany, the only logical conclusion is that the Nazis were actually running the naval munitions factory in Nevada, where Drinkwine worked as a civilian supervisor and "eventually died from the toxic fumes he inhaled there," a decade later in 1955...in California.

Of course! It makes perfect sense...

I almost forgot the Nazi's ultimate secret weapon against the Allies was a powerful, one-two punch of mesothelioma and black lung.

Naturally, Brewer’s press people are saying of course that’s what happened; Brewer very clearly meant that her dad worked in a weapons factory and was on disability afterward for respiratory problems he developed when she said "he died fighting the Nazis."

Just like how my father also sacrificed life and limb to defeat the greatest 20th century threat to humanity.

When he was 8 years-old in 1944, he skinned his knee pretty bad in a schoolyard incident while fighting the Nazi regime in Germany.

On a playground in Chicago's South Side.

New Poll Shows Majority Of Republicans As Crazy As Their Leaders!

As Obama Derangement Syndrome--the disease where otherwise normal people are transformed into rabid, Hitler-waving lunatics who harass and throw crumpled dollar bills at defenseless old men with Parkinsons all because a semi-black man occupies the White House--continues to infect Teabaggers, the entire Republican Party, and other unstable nutjobs posing as patriots, a disturbing new Harris poll shows just how deep this deranged Republican rabbit hole goes.

And judging by the recent spate of violence and vandalism targeting Democratic lawmakers in the wake of Americans actually getting health insurance that doesn't try to either off them or profit off them, a return to even partial sanity doesn't seem likely any time soon.

Let's take a look at some of the polls more 'enlightened' findings shall we?

• 67% of Republicans (40% of Americans overall) believe that Obama is a Socialist
• 57% of Republicans (32% overall) believe that Obama is a Muslim
• 45% of Republicans (25% overall) agree with the Birthers in their belief that Obama was "not born in the United States and so is not eligible to be president"
• 38% of Republicans (20% overall) say that Obama is "doing many of the things that Hitler did"
• Scariest of all, 24% of Republicans (14% overall) say that Obama "may be the Antichrist."

Yes, America look around you. Chances are if you have six Republican friends (God help you), four of them likely believe Barack Obama, not Karl Marx, penned The Communist Manifesto, at least three of them think Obama is an illegal, Kenyan-born secret Muslim terrorist who hijacked the presidency, two or more believe that our 44th president and the worst mass murderer in the history of mankind, Adolf Hitler, are kindred spirits, and at least one is certain that Barry is the Devil incarnate.

With scholarly geniuses like these running around, and legally able to cast a vote, is it really any surprise that weasely human disgraces like Eric Cantor are still in power?

You remember Eric, don't you? The caring GOP Representative from good, ol' Virginia who is very upset about the Democrats being very upset about crazed gangs of Teabaggers attacking the homes and offices of Democratic lawmakers, strewing coffins on their lawns, rupturing gas lines at their homes, sending various pictures of nooses, expletive-filled death threats and wishes of terminal illness to their offices, and all the other totally normal behavior you'd expect from grown adults who don't want everyone, especially dumb poor people, to have health care and must naturally resort to violence as a result.

Which is why, unlike the crybaby Democrats who loooooooove using the vicious threats against them as "media vehicles for political gain," sending press releases and holding press conferences to address said attacks simply to score some "political points," not because they fear for their lives by a bunch of gun-totin' former Klansmen, Eric Cantor would never use a press conference as a cheap political stunt. Never!

He would only use something as sacred as a press conference to pretend something terrible happened to him too, like say, a bullet through his office window, to show how a real red-blooded American freedom fighter acts when trying to curry public favor for political gain.

Time to buck up, Democrats! Stop complaining about your lives being threatened and your property being destroyed, ya big babies!

Be a man like Eric Cantor and hold honorable press conferences blaming the lame victims for "inciting" the violent attacks against them, not the courageous, patriotic perpetrators of the bloodshed and violence.

You didn't hear Eric the Brave complain when Barack HITLER Obama facilitated the cold-blooded, methodical slaughter of 6 million of his fellow Jewish brethren, now did you?

No, you didn't. That's because real men don't cry. They cry wolf.

Selfish Loser Obama Gives Nobel Prize Money To Silly Charity Cases Like Kids And Women

First, lame-o, ne'r-do-well President Barack Hussein Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize for doing nothing except parade his cute li'l behind across the globe, and now, instead of buying a new wardrobe for Michelle and the gals, and iPads for every terrible community organizer residing in his evil hometown of Chicago, this genius is donating his entire $1.4 million prize (cash money, yo!) to get this, helping people who actually need it. Ha ha loser!

Doesn't sound like something Hitler would do, which is weird because I always thought they were the exact same person, ya know, always trying to ram universal health down our throats and annihilate world Jewry and stuff.

But nooooo, despite what Fox News would lead you to believe, turns out this illegal Socialist alien is nothing like the Führer!

Instead, President NObama is donating all $1.4 million of his comically undeserved Nobel Peace Prize loot to helping students, veterans' families and survivors of Haiti's earthquake, and other organizations he said "do extraordinary work."

Can this guy be any more selfish?

The most money — $250,000 — went to Fisher House, which provides housing for families of patients being cared for at major military and VA medical centers.

The Clinton-Bush Haiti Fund, which raises money for long-term relief efforts in Haiti following that country’s devastating earthquake, received $200,000.

$125,000 went to six different charities:

– College Summit, which partners with schools with the goal of increasing college enrollment;

– The Posse Foundation, which awards scholarships to “public high school students with extraordinary academic and leadership potential who may be overlooked by traditional college selection processes”;

– The United Negro College Fund, which offers scholarship and internship programs for more than 60,000 students per year;

– The Hispanic Scholarship Fund, which awards scholarships and offers outreach support to the Hispanic community;

– The Appalachian Leadership and Education Foundation, which offers scholarships and leadership curriculum to young people from Appalachia;

– And the American Indian College Fund, which distributes scholarships to American Indian students and provides support for tribal college needs.

Two charities were awarded $100,000 each. One is AfriCare, which offers programs in Africa addressing health and HIV/AIDS, food security and agriculture, and water resource development. The other is the Central Asia Institute, which promotes education and literacy in remote areas of Pakistan and Afghanistan with a focus on educating girls.

Ugh, next thing you know, every darn color of the rainbow will be linking arms, swaying to Kumbaya in peaceful harmony, harnessing the power of their newly educated minds to find new and improved solutions to the world's most pressing issues, and war will no longer be a fun romp through the magical land of Oz, where cupcakes, not smart bombs, fall from the sky, the air is always the perfect temperature, heated by the glowing rays of the sun, instead of radioactive fallout from burning flesh rotting upon the scorched Earth, and no one's throats are red and raw from having health care rammed down them by some deranged madman with a funny name and a winning smile.

From Rags To Riches: The Inspiring True Story Of Joe "You Lie" Wilson

Hey kids, remember those endless hours hitting the books and boring late-night cramming sessions? Well those days are over! Now, you can get filthy rich by doing nothing more than acting like a hotheaded douchebag in front of millions of people on prime-time television. It's true!

Just ask South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson, who's taking his star-making performance flouting hundreds of years of congressional decorum by shrieking "You lie" at the President of the world all the way to the bank.

Since his tremendous feat of making himself and his Grand Old Party look like a bunch of mindless heathens, rising star Joe Wilson has catapulted from nameless obscurity to shameful notoriety, raising a whopping $2.7 million from other right-wing anger balls who think momentary fits of Tourette's syndrome directed at the President during a publicly televised joint session of Congress is an effective way of voicing opposition.

So kudos to you Joe! For keeping alive the hopes and dreams of a crushed party with no agenda or vision for the nation, save for the swift defeat of its first black socialist president with rage, ignorance and two simple, powerful words: "You lie."

To show how much he appreciates the support of hardworking teabaggers who made his meteoric rise possible, Wilson's campaign released a statement calling the haul "a humbling honor."

At town hall meetings in the 2nd District of South Carolina and across America, people are not merely asking questions, they are demanding answers. They believe, as I do, that progress in America begins where the status quo ends — Washington's way is not always the RIGHT way.

The RIGHT way to get your point across is dressing up as Jesus Christ, waving a Confederate flag, carrying a loaded AK-47, and screaming in the face of frail, old legislators about the true birthplace of a certain illegal Kenyan president who also happens to be Hitler, Stalin, and Heath Ledger's signature dark 2008 portrayal of Batman's lipstick-smeared, white-faced nemesis.

Americans understand that these are times of great consequence. The change we were promised is not the change that has been delivered. We have a choice: we can sit back and watch, or we can stand up and act. One by one, Americans have chosen to stand up, I intend to stand proudly with them and the constituents of the 2nd District of South Carolina.

And together act like the proud bunch of bumbling idiots we are with no power to speak of, except of course for the power to speak. Loudly. About utter nonsense. At the most highly inappropriate moments possible.

Hey Kids, It's Comedy Hour With Barney And Rush!

Aww, snap! Someone just got served! Big bad Barney Frank doesn't like being interrupted. And he certainly doesn't like having his town hall discussion disrupted so that some seemingly normal looking woman who's actually bat crazy can ask him pressing, substantive health care reform questions like, "Why are you supporting this Nazi policy?" while holding up a tasteful Obama equals Hitler sign.

Which is precisely why Barry very calmly answers this young gal's query by calling her approach, "vile, contemptible nonsense" and responding with his own question, "On what planet do you spend most of your time?"

He then decides not to humor this idiot lady with a legitimate answer because "Trying to have a conversation with you would be like arguing with a dining room table." And being the reasonable person that he is, Barney really doesn't see any point in trying to talk sense into an inanimate object with racist tendencies. Fair enough.

But not everyone thinks this dining room table got a fair shake from old Barney.

Sure, Rush Limbaugh thinks "it's fabulous and fantastic, and hilarious that a woman shows up at a Barney Frank town hall meeting with an Obama-as-Hitler poster and this Nazi stuff, in his district. I mean, this is unreal."

"But the killer for me was, here's Barney Frank saying, 'What planet do you live on?' to this woman. Isn't it an established fact that Barney Frank himself spends of his time living around Uranus?" HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Get it?? No, not because he's Jewish but because he's a GAY (gasp!). LOL! Hilarious.

And to think it only took Rushy three scrapped drafts, 200 revisions, a trough of dark roast coffee, twenty cans of Red Bull, five large pizzas, two double bacon cheeseburgers, 10 cigars, and three bottles of his usual hydrocodone-oxycodone cocktail to come up with it!

Looks like it's SHOWTIME at the Apollo for someone...

Health Care Protesters Once Again Turn Peaceful Town Hall Into Nazi Rally

OMG. This is it! The big kahuna you've been waiting for to prove once and for all the town hall crazies are nothing more than a bunch of psycho, black-and-Jew hating kooks who run around terrorizing peaceful public discussions by basically acting like a bunch of wild-eyed maniacs whenever said peaceful public discussions take place.

Employing their usual guerrilla tactics of shrieking, screaming, and grunting nonsense about how Obama's skin color is ruining America's health care, these true Americans will not lay silent while the U.S. turns into Nazi Germany because anything they don't agree with automatically becomes a twisted offshoot of the third Reich.

At a town hall in Las Vegas an Israeli man is praising Israel's national health care system because it takes care of its soldiers etc etc, when he is rudely interrupted by this insane hell woman who starts shrieking "Heil Hitler!" at him because that's what crazy people do when they really disagree with something they don't remotely understand but still want their face on the teevee.

So this freak lady continues to pound this poor man with "Heil Hitler!" until he finally snaps and angrily exclaims, "Did you hear this? She say to a Jew, 'Heil Hitler'! Hear? I'm a Jew! You're telling me, 'Heil Hitler'? Shame of you!"

And the evil woman proceeds to cackle wildly and mock him for not even knowing how to speak English good and being positively gay for Obama and acting like a little crybaby just because America's perfect health care system bankrupted him and ruined his life and basically turned him into a senior SS officer.

Score one for the crazies!