Ignorance Is Freedom! New Poll Proves Fox News Viewers Are The Dumbest, Most Uninformed People In The World, Right After Fox News' Hosts

But why do the poll numbers add up to 120%, mommy? Because junior, everyone knows 100% is for pussies, math geeks, and lame-o Democrats. Not for hot, sexy Fox News, the undisputed leader in feigned 9/11 outrage, shamelessly bad graphics, mentally unstable news anchors, and baseless lies and mistruths, proudly poisoning America since 1996!

And now science has finally proven what the whole world already long suspected: People who get their "news" from Fox are the absolute dumbest, most mindblowingly idiotic, misinformed bunch of misanthrope misfits to ever grace the face of God's once green Earth. These morons have literally zero clue what's going on with umm, well, basically anything.

It's true!

A new University of Maryland study, "Misinformation and the 2010 Election," judging how likely consumers of various news outlets and publications were to believe misinformation on a wide range of political issues revealed some startling, or not so startling, results depending on whether you've spent the last six months holed up underground in one of Glenn Beck's emergency post-apocalyptic fallout shelters and bartering with armed, marauding nomads using his one-of-a-kind fake gold coins or not.

While consumers of virtually every news outlet believed some information disseminated during the 2010 election was false (90% of respondents overall), the study found that Fox News viewers, regardless of political affiliation, were "significantly more likely" to erroneously believe that:

• Most economists estimate the stimulus caused job losses (12 points more likely)
• Most economists have estimated the health care law will worsen the deficit (31 points)
• The economy is getting worse (26 points)
• Most scientists do not agree that climate change is occurring (30 points)
• The stimulus legislation did not include any tax cuts (14 points)
• Their own income taxes have gone up (14 points)
• The auto bailout only occurred under Obama (13 points)
• When TARP came up for a vote most Republicans opposed it (12 points)
• And that it is not clear that Obama was born in the United States (31 points)

So, whether it's wrongly believing that Republicans voted against TARP, a big business government program created by the Republican administration of REPUBLICAN George W. Bush, or being unable to comprehend the simple fact (and yes, it is a fact) that global temperatures are rising at an alarming rate (because it still snows in winter), the Fox News viewer is a particularly dangerous animal. Because, unlike say your average CNN or MSNBC viewer, the Fox News watcher cannot, will not, be swayed in their retarded, ass backwards beliefs that NObama is a no-good, Secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist from the Soviet Union of Kenya, no matter how many times you shove his actual Hawaiian birth certificate in their dumb faces.

And like anyone inundated to a constant stream of racist rightwing lies, half-truths, and Papa Bear's pin head vs. patriot propaganda, the more a person is exposed to Fox News, the more they start to believe they are living in some doomsday hellscape led by Comrade Barry and his roving death squad of shovel-wielding Socialist sociopaths scheming to take out Granny and li'l baby Trigger.

Not only are they the stupidest people on earth, but they are 120% sure they are the smartest creatures to ever have sprouted from God's magic man-makin' dust and Adam's rib on the Sixth Day!

So there you have it folks. While common sense already told you that Fox News viewers have the most terrible, God-awful taste in food, fashion, hairstyles, houses/trailer homes, books, music, movies, art, artificial tear drops, architecture, and of course anchors, scientific evidence proves that Fox News viewers believe insanely ridiculous things about the stimulus, the economy, taxes, health care, the automobile industry bailout, unemployment, science, math and weather.

Naturally, actual Fox News viewers weren't bothered by the findings in the slightest because like seriously, c'mon, who the hell believes in science these days anyway?

Certainly not America's favoritest weeping Jesus and resident chalkboard & puppet scholar Glenn Lee Beck. He believes in a different kind of "profit." Ya know, the kind that usually ends in a bunch of zeroes.

Just like the Fox News audience!

But much like the eternal chicken/egg dilemma, one burning question remains unsolved:

Do they watch Fox News because they are idiots, or are they idiots because they watch Fox News?

At Least There's One Thing We Can All Agree On: Getting Rid Of That Awful Joe Lieberman

Wah Wah...Is It The Ol' Heave Ho For Traitor Joe?

Beloved pariah and internationally celebrated Traitor Joe Lieberman has always prided himself on a few special qualities: physics-defying, almost impossibly droopy jowls, hideously annoying whine of a voice, the unique ability to weasel between parties, working both sides of the aisle to do whatever is best for the country, which naturally means whatever is best for his reelection chances, and of course, his uncanny knack for bringing both Republicans & Democrats together on one single issue: wanting nothing more than to slap that stupid, scowling smirk off his smug, pathetic face, while heaving his feeble 'ol bones straight out the Senate door.

Finally, something everyone in America can agree on!

Now, it is no secret that the sniveling sad sack from Connecticut has long been one of the most unpopular Senators (make that people!) in the country, perhaps in all of history even, which, considering some of the freak specimens currently calling Congress home (Jim DeMint anyone?), is no easy feat!

But looks like ol' Joe has topped himself once again, and not in a gross, gay way either. That's reserved for pure bred Republicans, only, ya crazy kids!

According to a new Public Policy Polling of Connecticut, only 24% of voters in the state say they would vote to reelect Lieberman in 2012 compared to 66% who say they'd basically vote for any carbon-based, oxygen breathing being over Jewish Benedict Arnold Joe Lieberman's dumb droopy face.

Sure, the man managed to leave the dumb Democrats after losing the primary to actual, non-pretend Democrat Ned Lamont in 2006 and still win reelection as an independent since everyone knows loyalty is not a word in Lieberman's vocabulary, but couldn't resist his adorable charm anyway.

But after Joe went ahead and endorsed that senile old man, John McCain, over someone with a working brain who didn't trade in their soul for a chance to be president, Barack Obama, in 2008, only to go on to never miss the chance to play spoiler and screw the American people over on some important issue or another every chance he got while in Congress, even the usually masochistic Democrats finally had enough!

Apparently, there is only so much getting bent over by a boring, backstabbing, conniving old man-whore the good people of Connecticut are willing to take before saying, hell no, we've had quite enough! Now take your stupid Vaseline and kindly scram back to the filthy rat hole you crawled in from, thank you very much!

But it's not just Democrats who can't stand the guy, even though a whopping 72% would sooner contract Ebola than vote for that old thing again. While taking 70% of the Republican vote was a key component of Lieberman's victory in 2006, 61 percent of Grand Old Patriots now say they would much prefer to swap him out for someone a little less smart, but a whole lot crazier, like say a Real Republican, who isn't afraid to draw Hitler mustaches on Obama's face, round up all the gays, Mexicans, Muslims and other undesirables and ship 'em off somewhere far, far away like Socialist Europe or something.

Even 63 percent of Independents, who usually don't know what the hell they want, except of course to never get their weirdo fringe candidate elected, and simply ruin the race for everyone else instead, say they'd rather make an actual decision (gasp!) and pick a viable side, then vote for ol' Bummer Bones Indy Joe, this time around. So, umm congratulations??

"Democrats, Republicans, and independents in Connecticut agree on one thing: they want Joe Lieberman replaced in the US Senate," said Dean Debnam, President of Public Policy Polling. "His path to reelection, at least at this point a couple years away, looks extremely difficult."

Difficult? Ha! The bastard's middle name is difficult.  Besides, that's never stopped fightin' Joe before! He'll just come up with another brilliant idea, maybe some sort of resolution dissolving Congress and granting sole legislative powers to himself and Hadassah, so America will never be without the dazzling charm and wit of the nation's #1 treacherous maverick with both a functioning mind and possession of his own soul.

Unlike his other beloved maverick pal, Gramps McCain, who gave up his already-decaying soul (his mind left loooong before) for the once-in-a-lifetime chance to unleash a lipstick-wearing Mama Grizzly Arctic drifter onto the world and still not even come close to winning anything, except maybe a chance at early retirement and a wonderful trail of lies, shame and disgrace in his wake. Hooray!

No need to worry about Joe's soul, though. He certainly isn't! Besides, there wasn't much there to begin with. No soul but plenty of power-hungry, selfish Joe-Centric goals. It's just the way the Lieb man rolls!

And since Joe doesn't mind shifting back 'n forth, up, down and every which way, so long as it serves himself, we'd advise Joe to consider losing the whole Jew thing and switch to Chinese Folk Religion instead.

Unfortunately, 2012 is the Year of the Dragon. He'll have to wait another 8 years until 2020, when it's once again his time: the Year of the Rat, duh!

Whaddya say, Joe?? Satan/Lieberman 2020 does have a nice ring to it.

I think I smell a winner! Wait, or is that just the dang rat again??

Quick, exterminator!

Americans (Reluctantly) Decide Gays Can Be Families Too...Even If They're Probably Going To Burn In Eternal Hell

Congratulations, nation! A new poll finds that a majority of Americans now think same-sex couples with children and married gays without kids (or the blessings of the Lord?) should count as "a family."

Not everyone, though! Not everyone is convinced that a committed relationship between two men or two women (gasp!) is as God-blessed, pure, and equal as say, Brittney and K-Fed's (or any other backup dancer/bodyguard who impregnated her along the way) sacred shotgun wedding in Vegas. Or even any of Newt Gingrich's three blissful unions following adulterous affairs and the very honorable abandoning of whichever ol' wifey is laid up in a hospital bed recovering from cancer now.

So, still got a ways to go. But still! Sometimes counting as a family is a big step up from being moral fabric-destroying hedonists who eat children for breakfast not rear them as their own, and whose deviant lifestyles cause Hurricanes to hit New Orleans and commercial airliners to smash into New York City, because God is not some hippie-dippie arugula-eating liberal with the crazy idea that providing a loving and stable home is more important than having the proper penis-vagina ratios. Sickos!

Of course, gay or straight, you're not a real family unless you have at least one li'l precious miracle of God to show for. These are the rules of American domesticity!

So let's remember:

Gays and straights with at least one kid = Family.
Gays and straights with no kids = A Couple (albeit an inferior & gross, or suspiciously heartless one, respectively).

Invite a friend to comment

“This is not because more people are gay now than in 2003,” says Brian Powell, a sociology professor at Indiana University, and lead author of the study. “This indicates a more open social environment in which individuals now feel more comfortable discussing and acknowledging sexuality. Ironically with all the antigay initiatives, all of a sudden people were saying the word ‘gay’ out loud. Just the discussion about it made people more comfortable.”

Ooooh, hopefully just comfortable enough to muster up the courage to go out and vote against the terrible gays (and lezzies!) for making them decidedly uncomfortable in their quest to destroy American society as we know it, and ruin the sanctity of quickie weddings by an Elvis impersonator in a run-down Casino-Chapel off the Vegas strip.

According to Prof. Stephanie Coontz of the Council on Contemporary Families, “Americans seem to be open to seeing same-sex couples with children as families, even while they hesitate to recognize their unions as marriage."

I mean let's not get crazy here! It is only 2010...

So, umm, go gays!? You've finally made it into America's definition of family, along with creepy uncles, know-it-all, homely aunts, drunk mothers, and absent fathers! Hooray!

Even if you're still considered less part of the family than Champ & Whiskers, the resident dog and cat.

David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute for American Values, said he was not surprised by the findings.

“I like the standard definition of family: two or more persons related by blood, marriage or adoption. Keeps it simple and coherent.”

But, he added: “We live in groups, and we need each other. So it’s always a good thing, isn’t it, when any of us truly loves and is loved by another.”

Eh, only if Jesus, the elderly, the bigoted gun nut next door, and all the closeted homosexual Republicans secretly trolling for hot man tail while voting against them terrible queers, say so!

Polls Show Americans Don't Know What The Hell They Want, Except Both Parties To Kindly F-Off!

Ugh, like make up your mind already, America! Last week, Democrats were supposed to be on their Obama-made(?) death beds after a generic Gallup poll showed Republicans taking a record-setting 10-point lead, putting them in prime position to retake the House of Representatives and enact all of the fabulous ideas they've had, like ummm, sending the Mexicans and A-rabs back to Mexicanland or Arabia or whatever it is that scary dark people (like Obama!) come from. Hmmm, Kendonesia?

Republicans also had the advantage in voter enthusiasm (these 'baggers are super psyched to vote!), what with the recent Glenn Beckapalooza where obese wheelchair-bound patriots motor-scooted around the National Mall lugging coolers of lard and waving American flags to express their love of deep fried freedom. Not to mention the always exciting Koran-burning bonfires to demonstrate their Grand Ol' love of country using Nazi tactics, waving "Obamar is a Muslin" signs, and shrieking about how Blacky NObama is destroying America by helping the gross poors not die in the streets.

But noooooooo. All of a sudden, in the very same poll this week, the two parties are suddenly tied??

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Get your story straight America! Unless someone doesn't mind looking all wishy-washy gay like!

I mean it's not that hard...which one are you?? Are you some elitist, Socialist, queer, poor 'n Mexican loving loser Democrat schlub who believes in silly things like equality and justice, or are you a strong, strapping white male with a Jesus saves T-shirt, .45 magnum in your pocket, and Caucasian chip on your broad, massive shoulder, who thinks making America great means shipping out NObama and anyone else whose skin color is not beautiful milky white, and leadership consists of more than shocking and awing the sh*t out of poor, desert countries, for like freedom, fun, 'n oil?

Cause otherwise, you, America, run a serious risk of being some fickle diva, not knowing what the hell you're talking about, unless it has to do with dancing in a strippers outfit with B-list Stars on ABC or fat orange dwarfs, drinking, sexting, and licking some dude's "Situation" on the Jersey Shore.

Or even worse, people might start getting the idea that you are actually, dare I say, Bi(partisan)-curious?

But either way, most of this whole 'politics' stuff, by which I of course mean government generally not working at all, except when it comes to smart bombing civilians in faraway Muslimy sounding places and/or fleecing the poor to give to give tax breaks to the rich, will remain the same. Amen!

Yay for Freedom, Yay for America! Praise Jeebus! USA! USA! USA!

Isn't Democracy just the bestest?

Oh, you betcha!

Ugh, Why Won't Obama Walk Around With His Birth Certificate Plastered On His Forehead, Or At Least A Tea Bag To Blend In?

If you thought being a black man in America was hard, try being a black president in America and let me know how that feels. You can't even begin to imagine the kind of nonsense the dude has to go through every single f-ing day, and that's not even including Orange Boehners in Congress, BP spillin' baby spillin' oil every which way, Bush's final "F You" to America (in the form of no jobs and no money), a war on terror in Afghanistan, a war on brown colored Mexican-y looking people in Arizona, a war on gross Muslims near Ground Zero and everywhere else within a million square miles, and all the bajillion other terrible things threatening to destroy our country now. (Fox News? A Republican majority?)

Just look at what the citizens of the bestest, most amazingest, God & freedom-lovingest nation ever to grace the face of the Earth think about that weird, dark man with the funny name now.

Eighteen percent of Americans think Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim. Twenty-seven percent believe he "probably" or "definitely" wasn't born in the good ol' US of A, but somewhere far, far away like Kendonesia or something, and still Obama doesn't feel the slightest bit compelled to prove he is in fact a dumb, white Christian born in the middle of an Iowan cornfield like the rest of the Birther nation, who are not at all racist, just naturally suspicious of this black Hussein fellow claiming to be president.

While in New Orleans to commemorate something about Bush hating black people so much he drowned an entire city, President Barack Hussein Obama had the pleasure of sitting down with mainstream media extraordinaire Brian Williams to discuss what is really important (certainly not some dumb French city!) like whether it's true what everyone's saying, how he is really a secret Muslim terrorist Kenyan, etc?

Obama took a deep breath to gather his thoughts when asked if the poll reflected his inability to communicate with voters, "The facts are the facts. We went through some of this during the campaign — there is a mechanism, a network of misinformation that in a new media era can get churned out there constantly,” said a visibly annoyed Obama, referring to “birthers,” who have waged a guerrilla campaign questioning either the existence or the validity of his Hawaiian birth certificate.

“I will always put my money on the American people, and I’m not going to be worried too much about what rumors are floating around there.”

But what about the poll numbers, Barry! Brian wants to know why so many people don't know what he really is, like does he go to an actual Jesus Church? Or is he really a radical Muslim or Socialist Pagan Demoncrat like the polls say? And doesn't that make El Presidente nervous?

"I can't spend all of my time with my birth certificate plastered on my forehead."

And why may I ask is that? Because it doesn't exist?? Hmmm, is that it, Barry Soetero? Were you even born at all, or hatched from some primordial egg down in your real birth place in the SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL?

What other, terrible un-American, meany things did alleged president "Barack Hussein Obama" have to say during this sweet, sit down chit-chat with actual elitist, arugula-eating news person Brian Williams?

What?? He didn't watch Fox News superstar and maybe-going-blind gold-coin salesman Glenn Lee Beck's "Restoring Honor" rally to reclaim Martin Luther King's dream for freedom and a re-segregated America?

Haha, L-O-S-E-R!

What, were you too busy frolicking on Martha's Vineyard and "being focused on the long term, not on the Nightly News" to watch American legends Glenn Beck & Sarah Palin take back America with their loyal militia of obese people motorin' around on medicare scooters and mutterin' bout taxes, immigrants, and how the big bad gubmint's comin' for their guns?

“It’s not surprising that someone like a Mr. Beck is able to stir up a certain portion of [the American people]...That’s been true throughout our history.”

No duh! Why else would they be dressed in colonial costumes, waving Teabags around if they weren't fighting for the freedom to ignore the Constitution, if it means dirty A-rabs are allowed to build houses of worship (aka mosques, gasp!) in this country too?

No terror temples in their backyards, just mega churches and good, old fashioned American traditions like Koran burning bonfires and hate rallies!

Too bad Obama won't just mindlessly discriminate against Muslims and abandon the Constitution whenever dumb white mobs would like him to! He even thinks the 'slims should be able to build a dreaded mosque and community center near the sacred ground of an abandoned, old Burlington Coat Factory, and he's not even wilting in the face of criticism!

“I didn’t walk it back it all,” he said. “I was very specific with my team...The core value and principle that every American is treated the same doesn’t change. … At [a White House Ramadan celebration], I had Muslim Americans who had been in uniform fighting in Iraq. … How can you say to them that their religious faith is less worthy of respect? ... That’s something that I feel very strongly about.”

You are only allowed to tell gross gay and lesbians they are less worthy of respect and unfit for military service, which is reserved for respectable people like convicted felons, drug pushers, and sex offenders only.

He added, “I respect the feelings on the other side.”

Ugh, of course you do, Mr. let's all join hands and sing Kumbaya while swaying gently in the breeze. So by all means, feel free to hate haters! And if you want an effigy of his likeness, I'm sure the White House would be more than happy to provide it!

But if it's not it his suspicious Africany origins, his penchant for protecting stupid First Amendments like the freedom to be a terrible, terrorist Muslim, his ability to handle Gulf disasters without thousands of casualties and the submerging of an entire city (just some dead wildlife and a destroyed ecosystem nbd), or his uncanny tendency to stay cool, calm, and collected in the face of widespread idiocy, Sarah Palin's tweets, and reliving Dr. King's dream of equality with white supremacy rallies led by a fat white clown with delusions of divinity, just what, oh what, has the Grand Old Patriots all hot 'n bothered about this swarthy man who may or may not be Hitler, the Antichrist, and a Komodo Dragon with good oratory skills all rolled into one?

Oh, so that explains it!

Selfish Loser Obama Gives Nobel Prize Money To Silly Charity Cases Like Kids And Women

First, lame-o, ne'r-do-well President Barack Hussein Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize for doing nothing except parade his cute li'l behind across the globe, and now, instead of buying a new wardrobe for Michelle and the gals, and iPads for every terrible community organizer residing in his evil hometown of Chicago, this genius is donating his entire $1.4 million prize (cash money, yo!) to get this, helping people who actually need it. Ha ha loser!

Doesn't sound like something Hitler would do, which is weird because I always thought they were the exact same person, ya know, always trying to ram universal health down our throats and annihilate world Jewry and stuff.

But nooooo, despite what Fox News would lead you to believe, turns out this illegal Socialist alien is nothing like the Führer!

Instead, President NObama is donating all $1.4 million of his comically undeserved Nobel Peace Prize loot to helping students, veterans' families and survivors of Haiti's earthquake, and other organizations he said "do extraordinary work."

Can this guy be any more selfish?

The most money — $250,000 — went to Fisher House, which provides housing for families of patients being cared for at major military and VA medical centers.

The Clinton-Bush Haiti Fund, which raises money for long-term relief efforts in Haiti following that country’s devastating earthquake, received $200,000.

$125,000 went to six different charities:

– College Summit, which partners with schools with the goal of increasing college enrollment;

– The Posse Foundation, which awards scholarships to “public high school students with extraordinary academic and leadership potential who may be overlooked by traditional college selection processes”;

– The United Negro College Fund, which offers scholarship and internship programs for more than 60,000 students per year;

– The Hispanic Scholarship Fund, which awards scholarships and offers outreach support to the Hispanic community;

– The Appalachian Leadership and Education Foundation, which offers scholarships and leadership curriculum to young people from Appalachia;

– And the American Indian College Fund, which distributes scholarships to American Indian students and provides support for tribal college needs.

Two charities were awarded $100,000 each. One is AfriCare, which offers programs in Africa addressing health and HIV/AIDS, food security and agriculture, and water resource development. The other is the Central Asia Institute, which promotes education and literacy in remote areas of Pakistan and Afghanistan with a focus on educating girls.

Ugh, next thing you know, every darn color of the rainbow will be linking arms, swaying to Kumbaya in peaceful harmony, harnessing the power of their newly educated minds to find new and improved solutions to the world's most pressing issues, and war will no longer be a fun romp through the magical land of Oz, where cupcakes, not smart bombs, fall from the sky, the air is always the perfect temperature, heated by the glowing rays of the sun, instead of radioactive fallout from burning flesh rotting upon the scorched Earth, and no one's throats are red and raw from having health care rammed down them by some deranged madman with a funny name and a winning smile.

When it Comes to Accuracy in News, Fox is a Whole Other Animal

*This is not a scientific poll

Yay! Apparently, Fox News is VERY serious about its new "zero tolerance policy" to gain credibility and abandon the whole laughingstock approach that's pretty much been their bread and butter for the past, oh, ten or so years, by using actual facts instead of whichever voice is in Glenn Beck's head at that particular moment.

Fox News is so serious about adhering to these industry-wide journalistic standards of being slightly more competent than your average household pet that they even include a *disclaimer* about the "non-scientific" nature of their recent "scientific" poll.

Which is a big step for Fox! Just in case the small fact that the poll makes absolutely zero sense is lost upon the sharp, inquisitive minds of Fox News viewers.

Because sometimes polls can be very confusing! Especially when it involves Fox News getting a simple yes-or-no question like "Does Obama deserve the Nobel Peace Prize?" correct.

DOES OBAMA DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE? YES, HE DOES NOT.

Sharp as a fox, they are!