Turns Out Obama's Health Care Plan Does Include A Death Panel & It's Called The Supreme Court

While black teens in hoodies were being murdered for the terrible crime of WWBIGC (Walking While Black In Gated Communities), the nine Supremely irritating muumuus on the nation's High Court were chomping at the bit for some reason, any reason, to do away with that no-good Obama and his awful, un-American desire to have a health care system that doesn't toss poor people and kids with cancer into the streets like yesterday's trash, teeming with empty prescription bottles of life-saving medicine no one (except Mitt Romney) could afford to fill anyway.

I'll give you my freedom to die, sick and uninsured, when you pry it from my cold, arthritic hands. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

So, just what are the chances the evil, Kenyan, Socialist, Communist, Grandma-murdering wayward medical experiment known as Obamacare lives to see another day?

Even slimmer than the flimsy, tissue paper-thin judicial reasoning the supremely partisan, supremely right-leaning Court members are using to terminate Obama's signature domestic achievement, and if all goes well, (fingers crossed!) many perfectly savable American lives too.

Hooray!

Looks like it's time for another controversial 5-4 Supreme Court decision, ladies and germs! Oooh, oooh, maybe they are going to rule that George W. Bush is president again!

Via First Read:

"Such an outcome, especially after other 5-4 decisions like Bush vs. Gore and Citizens United, would have two potential consequences. One, it would feed the perception that the U.S. Supreme Court is as partisan as Congress and increasing parts of the media; in other words, these nine justices (either trained at liberal law schools or members of the conservative Federalist Society) are essentially political actors wearing black robes."

Wait, I thought actors were supposed to be hot. Let's just call them marionettes, shall we?

"And two and most importantly, a 5-4 decision would satisfy no one. If the court strikes down the mandate and the health-care law by that narrow margin, liberals and Democrats would blame it on the conservative justices. If the mandate and law are upheld by a 5-4 decision, conservatives would point their fingers at the liberals and the unpredictable "mushy" swing justice, Anthony Kennedy. That's the problem with a split decision: The losers would feel like they lost on a political technicality, not because there was a legal consensus."

Consensus?? That's for people who have to put on actual clothes to go to work and still face the possibility of getting fired at some point in their lifetime.

One Obama administration lawyer, Edwin Kneedler, urged caution, saying it would be "extraordinary" for the court to throw out the entire law. About 2.5 million young people under age 26 are on their parents' insurance now because of the new law. If it were struck down entirely, "2.5 million of them would be thrown off the insurance rolls."

To which Scalia, Thomas, Alito, and Roberts howled in maniacal glee, while Kennedy chuckled softly to himself, hoping to finally fit in somewhere, instead of always straddling the fence like some cheap, disease-ridden whore Scalia keeps chained beneath the dais to polish his wood (gavel, you sickos!) between sessions.

Either way, CNN's Jeffrey Toobin knows this whole Supreme Court brouhaha is every kind of transportation disaster imaginable!

"This still looks like a train wreck for the Obama Administration, and it may also be a plane wreck. This entire law is now in serious trouble. It also seems that the individual mandate is doomed...Well, it's hard to imagine how things could be going much worse for the Obama Administration."

Haha, that's easy. Two words: Romney Administration. Ugh, perish the thought.

Speaking of which, at a news conference held by health care supporters outside the court room, one cancer patient praised the law for saving her life.

"Because President Obama signed the Affordable Care Act, I get to keep my house, I won't go bankrupt, my kids are going to get to go to college, and I am going to live," Spike Dolomite Ward said to cheers.

Sorry, overruled! Their Supreme Condolences, though.

[image via Getty]

Supremely Scary: Nine Rich, Old People In Robes To Decide Fate Of Nation's Health Care

Rejoice, America! Barack Obama's signature Socialist legislation, the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, a.k.a. Obamacare, which doesn't so much insure all Americans with actual health care as it does no longer allow billionaire health care executives to cackle wildly while doing the jitterbug on the sick, weakened bodies of children denied coverage, is finally heading to the Supreme Court, where nine men and women dressed in glorified Snuggies will rule on its Constitutionality, like whether your heart arrhythmia makes you 3/5ths what the white landowner with the robust, perfectly-beating heart next to you's worth.

Hooray?

But will the wonderful, infallible pro-slavery document of the late 1700s permit American citizens the right to not die, penniless and alone in the streets, even if it's not explicitly covered within its tattered, yellow pages of animal parchment?

From Reuters:

The Supreme Court agreed on Monday to decide the fate of President Barack Obama’s healthcare law, with an election-year ruling due by July on the healthcare system’s biggest overhaul in nearly 50 years.

The decision had been widely expected since late September, when the Obama administration asked the nation’s highest court to uphold the centerpiece insurance provision and 26 states separately asked that the entire law be struck down.

And then, if all goes well, drowned in a lake of brimstone and fire with the rest of the sinful acts of justice like Social Security, Civil Rights, and Voting Rights, where it belongs.

At the heart of the legal battle is whether the Congress overstepped its powers by requiring all Americans to buy health insurance by 2014 or pay a penalty, a provision known as the individual mandate.

Legal experts and policy analysts said the healthcare vote may be close on the nine-member court, with five conservatives and four liberals. It could come down to moderate conservative Justice Anthony Kennedy, who often casts the decisive vote.

The law, aiming to provide more than 30 million uninsured Americans with medical coverage, has wide ramifications for company costs and for the health sector, affecting health insurers, drugmakers, device companies and hospitals.

A decision by July would bring the healthcare issue to the heart of the presidential election campaign. Polls show Americans are deeply divided over the overhaul, Obama's signature domestic achievement.

Less divided are the fringe-right millionaire and billionaire business executives, who thanks to the biggest provisions of the law not taking effect until 2014, have a rare chance to completely erase the whole Obamacare "affordable insurance for everyone" fiasco before it actually happens.

But what about the people, you ask?

The people???

Ugh, to health with them!!

So, remember those death panels you keep hearing about?

It's called the Supreme Court.

[image via AP]

The Daily Caller Hires Ginni Thomas In The Hopes That She'll Stop Calling Women To Demand Apologies For Being Sexually Harassed By Her Husband

Ginni Thomas, the loyal lobbyist Teabagging wife of Supremely silent and Supremely sexy Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, has taken the next step in her professional journey of weird, quasi-legal, likely immoral influence-peddling conservative jobs, most recently accepting the not-at-all interest conflicting "special correspondent" position at the appropriately special needs wingnut website, The Daily Caller.

Hooray?

That's right, Virginia "Ginni" Thomas is indeed joining the awful media elites she spends so much of her time bashing, just not the terrible arugula eating “mainstream media” (not named Fox news) specializing in “gotcha journalism” as “lapdogs for the other side” by reporting actual facts, not the crazed chalkboard conspiracies of whichever voices are whispering in Glenn Beck's head now.

And who better to fill this important journalism job than someone who is not a journalist, despises the profession in general, and is used to earning her keep making ethics violations on her husband's behalf, who per usual, had no comment.

Asked to discuss her latest, greatest, sketchball move to The Daily Caller, Ginni Thomas said, "It is a privilege to join such a fast-growing platform with a capable, fun-loving team who are filling a niche that the dinosaur media has underserved."

Whoa, whoa, easy there Ginni! What did the nation's proud paleontology trade journalists ever do to you, huh? It's not their fault God created scientists!

Tucker Carlson, Daily Caller co-founder, editor, and unofficial president of bow-ties, said that Thomas’s position will be part time, beginning in “days or weeks” and will focus on “identifying and interviewing people who might in the future become influential in politics or who are already influential but who you may not know about.”

And not just because hubby Clarence forget to include so much as a single cent of Ginni's hefty income on 13 years’ worth of financial disclosure reports. Whoopsies! An honest mistake anyone could make! I mean it's not like we should expect a brilliant legal mind, one who sits on the highest court of the land and is called upon to understand and interpret the most complicated legal issues of our day, to be able to understand the simple directions of a federal disclosure form!

Carlson said Thomas “knows a ton of people” and likened her presence at the publication to “a dinner party formula: If you get a lot of interesting people with varied experiences and backgrounds and points of view and put them in one place, they’re apt to provide a pretty interesting evening.”

Or vomit on your pricey new stereo system. Either one, really.

“Ginni is always upbeat, she has an unbelievable amount of energy and enthusiasm and she knows our political system as well as anyone in Washington,” publisher and CEO Neil Patel, a former adviser to Vice President Dick Cheney, said. “We could not imagine a better person to take on this role.”

So true. Now when she calls up Anita Hill out of nowhere at the crack of dawn on a Saturday morning to demand an apology for being sooooo attractive (aka slutty) that her hubby Clarence just couldn't stop harassing her with pubic hairs and diet coke, while instructing her to disrobe right there and hop on  his hard, throbbing gavel, it won't be because she's batsh*t crazy, it'll  be because her job demands it!

Hellooooo people, it's called the Daily Caller! I mean it freakin' has Ginni's name written all over it!

So kudos to Ginni and her wonderful new non-secret gig at the Daily Caller. Hopefully, this crack squad team of dedicated, hard-hitting non-journalists will finally answer the pressing, age-old questions on everyone's mind, like where in the world is Barack Hussain Obama's/Barry Soetoro's birth certificate (hint: Kendonesia), why that no-good whore Anita Hill must publicly apologize to Ginni for getting in the way of Clarence Thomas' big black dick, err, docket, I mean docket, and why Teabaggers are the bestest, most freedom 'n Jesus loving, morbidly obese Americans ever to zip around on Socialized Medicare scooters, waving racist, misspelled signs, while shrieking about gays, poors, Muslims, fetuses and dead grandmothers.

So let freedom ring!

Don't worry, Ginni will answer it.

Supreme Court Rules Wacko Westboro Church's Picketing Soldiers' Funerals Is Free Speech; Sadly Same Goes For Sarah Palin's 140-Character Ghostwritten Tributes To Herself

When not granting sleazy mega corporations the same rights, privileges, and fabulous new ability to donate as much cold, hard cash to political campaigns as your average Snuggie-wearing schlub on the sofa stuffing Pringles in his mouth, the Supreme Court is busy doing other vital things, like coming thisclose to unanimously ruling in favor of the right of Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church to shriek outside gay soldiers' funerals with signs that say "God Hates Fags" and "AIDS Cures Fags" because of like freedom of speech or whatever.

It would have been unanimous, if not for the lone dissent of fearless, temper tantrum-throwing Justice Samuel Alito, who never misses a chance to disrupt a State of the Union address by NObama, or give the government more power over individual liberties, including the freedom to spew vile, racist shit at grieving loved ones of slain soldiers or innocent Muslim families and their children en route to charity events.

In his dissent, Justice Alito likened the Westboro Baptist Church protest to 'fighting words,' which are not protected by the First Amendment. “Our profound national commitment to free and open debate is not a license for the vicious verbal assault that occurred in this case.”

“In order to have a society in which public issues can be openly and vigorously debated,” he wrote, “it is not necessary to allow the brutalization of innocent victims.”

Au contraire, Sammy, ya sensitive shmuck! That's why you don't get to carry the big gavel, like Dr. Roberts over here. How you like them fightin' words?

Speaking for the majority, Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. said, “Speech is powerful. It can stir people to action, move them to tears of both joy and sorrow, and — as it did here — inflict great pain.”

“Debate on public issues should be robust, uninhibited and wide-open" (just like Bristol Palin!), because “speech on public issues occupies the highest rung of the hierarchy of First Amendment values.” 

"But, we cannot react to that pain by punishing the speaker. The national commitment to free speech requires protection of even hurtful speech on public issues to ensure that we do not stifle public debate.”

OMG, so true! I mean how else would Sarah Palin be able to contribute factually incorrect ghostwritten ruminations on her own terrible, conjured up victimization in 140-delightful characters or less? Because the important thing here is that it is now legal to say “God Hates Fags” and “Thank God For Dead Soldiers” in public, but private citizen, living legend, andconstitutional scholar Sarah Palin is not allowed to say “God” at all.

Who is this “we” she’s talking about? Lou Sarah? Another one of her various super secret Twitter accounts? And what is this public square of which she twats? The abandoned old parking lot of the Assembly of God church in downtown Wasilla?

Everyone knows Sarah Palin invokes God whenever and wherever she can round up a bunch of horny unemployed men with greasy hair to wave American flags and shout about taking back our country from no-good Secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist Presidents from Kendonesia!

Nobody, I said, nobody, but especially not some fruitcake in a potato sack is gonna take away her God-given right to talk about the God that loves her the most of all.

God doesn’t hate gays. He hates Muslims! And people who don’t like Sarah Palin.

In related breaking news, the Supreme Court unanimously upheld Sarah's "persecution/victim/narcissist complex" in the landmark case Sarah Palin v. Planet Earth.

The Supremely Sordid Tale Of Justice Clarence Thomas, His Crazy Wife Ginni, & A 7 A.M. Phone Call No One In Their Right Mind Should Ever Make

Ooooh, A Supreme Love Triangle!

Hmmm, a word of advice to anyone whose spouse has been accused of sexual harassment, whether it is during their very contentious Supreme Court confirmation hearing or not: do not, I repeat, do not call the accuser out of the blue at 7:30 a.m. on a Saturday morning politely asking for an apology. I don't care if 20 years have passed since the vile woman (Anita Hill) accused your perfect hubby (Justice Clarence Thomas) of doing all sorts of weird, distasteful things with his pubes (eww, gross!) and a can of diet coke, or if you're still feeling a little bit salty about the whole thing because well, you just know your lovely man would never, ever do such vulgar, terrible things. Neverrrrrrr!

Still, this is never a good reason to leave a delightfully passive-aggressive voicemail nicely asking your hubby's former-aide-turned-accuser if she maybe felt like apologizing for being so darn sexy that sweet, darling, innocent Clarence had no choice but to constantly chat her up about breasts, porn, pubic hair and whatever other weird, distasteful things qualified as sexual harassment in the '80s.

So while Anita Hill was spending her Columbus Day Weekend doing whatever it is liberal Brandeis law professors do on their three-day weekends commemorating Christopher Columbus' discovery and subsequent destruction of America's indigenous cultures (light Shabbat candles?), Virginia "Ginni" Thomas was doing what real American patriots who run sketchy anti-Obama grassroots organizations do (other than rejoicing over said destruction of indigenous cultures!): heard the voice of Jesus Christ commanding her to dial up Anita Hill promptly at sunrise on Saturday and leave the following, not-at-all-bizarre, inappropriate message:

"Good morning Anita Hill, it’s Ginni Thomas. I just wanted to reach across the airwaves and the years and ask you to consider something. I would love you to consider an apology sometime and some full explanation of why you did what you did with my husband. So give it some thought. And certainly pray about this and hope that one day you will help us understand why you did what you did. O.K., have a good day."

Oh, Ginny! Didn't our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ teach you anything about randomly calling up the woman who two decades earlier accused your lovely hubby and now powerful Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, of being some weird sex fiend, asking her to apologize for your husband being a sick sexytime perv, and then having the sheer audacity to hope she enjoys the rest of her lovely day?

Did Anita Hill have a good day? Eh, probably not, unless you consider spending almost a week trying to decide whether the insane message was really left by Ginni Thomas or some teenage prankster from 4chan before forwarding it to the Brandeis campus police and letting the FBI deal with it, as some relaxing, all-expense paid spa vacation in a luxury tropical resort.

Cause Anita Hill doesn't. Maybe because this isn't the first time that ol' sparkplug Ginni Thomas has taken it upon herself to "reach out" to Miss Hill and demand a deep, heartfelt apology for her husband being such a hot, sexy stud that she simply could not resist his smooth, chocolatey charms all those years ago when she testified before Congress and shattered Ginni's Ambien-clouded, Tea-soaked world, where her husband wasn't some secret sex creep.

“Virginia Thomas and I have never met," Hill writes in her memoir, "and one can imagine that she is guided by her own romantic interest in her husband when she assumes that other women find him attractive as well.”

Awww, snap!

Oh, what, like the sight of a balding, massive 285lb, 62-year-old Uncle Tom nutjob in a robe doesn't make you start tingling all over, particularly in those sinful, private places Christine O'Donnell would never dare touch??

“I thought it was certainly inappropriate,” Ms. Hill said. “It came in at 7:30 a.m. on my office phone from somebody I didn’t know, and she is asking for an apology. It was not invited. There was no background for it.”

Well excuuuuuuse Ginny for not knowing she needed permission to extend such a nice, sweet, generous peacemaking gesture as a 7:00 o'clock weekend wake-up call demanding an apology for publicly admitting all the gross things Clarence Thomas subjected her to, like whispering sweet nothings into her ear about the naughty things he's gonna do to her on the bench with a gavel.

“I did place a call to Ms. Hill at her office extending an olive branch to her after all these years, in hopes that we could ultimately get past what happened so long ago,” she said. “That offer still stands. I would be very happy to meet and talk with her if she would be willing to do the same. Certainly no offense was ever intended.”

“I appreciate that no offense was intended, but she can’t ask for an apology without suggesting that I did something wrong, and that is offensive,” Hill said.

Not as offensive as the other no-good, lying whore Lillian McEwen, the latest wretched woman to come forth with terrible smears, conjured up tales about the sexual exploits of a certain Supremely handsome chocolately-hued Justice who she used to date and is probably just jealous that Ginni gets his hunky hot bod all to herself. That or she simply hates conservatives so much she is "stooping to the age-old blunt instrument of accusing a black man of sexual misconduct,” like Clarence is so fond of saying.

Sadly, Lillian McEwen did not get the chance to testify at ol' Clarey's confirmation hearings because although the two used to have a romantic relationship in addition to a work one, Clarence never even raped her or served her a chilled can of ice cold diet coke with a fresh sampling of his own Supreme pubes, like Anita, the lucky bitch!

But Lillian has is now breaking her 19-year silence because she is shopping a new memoir, debuting her new reality teevee show heard about that weird thing Ginni did to Anita, and well, it really rubbed ol' Lillian the wrong way. Unlike how Clarence used to rub her, of course!

“He was obsessed with porn,” she said of Thomas, who is now 63. “He would talk about what he had seen in magazines and films, if there was something worth noting.”

Ummm, gross?

“He was always actively watching the women he worked with to see if they could be potential partners,” McEwen said matter-of-factly. “It was a hobby of his.”

Thomas would also tell her about women he encountered at work. He was partial to women with large breasts, she said. In an instance at work, Thomas was so impressed that he asked one woman her bra size, McEwen recalled him telling her.

Whatever. So the dude's got a thing for all different color women with large breasts. I mean, like who doesn't? Besides Scalia, Alito and the whole "different color" part of course!

Another woman, Sukari Hardnett, who worked as a special assistant to Thomas in 1985 and 1986, wrote in a letter to the Judiciary Committee that "If you were young, black, female and reasonably attractive, you knew full well you were being inspected and auditioned as a female" by Thomas.

Better than being auditioned as some weird tranny, no? You should see what that sex freak Chief Justice Roberts makes 'em do!

McEwen recalls writing Thomas a short note before the confirmation hearings, curious about what she should say if she were quizzed about their relationship. She said Thomas preferred that she would take “the same attitude of his first wife,” who never talked publicly about their relationship.

Yes, when in doubt, always act like the first wife (not the one who makes bizarre, pre-dawn phone calls). Got it?

Through the years, McEwen said, she has remained reasonably friendly with Thomas. Still, McEwen, a Democrat, acknowledges growing increasingly irritated with Thomas's conservative jurisprudence and his penchant for casting himself as a victim in the Hill controversy.

But now, she says, "I know Clarence would not be happy with me. I have no hostility toward him," McEwen said. "It is just that he has manufactured a different reality over time. That's the problem that he has."

Other than that crazy cracker wife Ginni and a chronic habit of sexually harassing every big-breasted lady lucky enough to land on his big, black dick, errr, docket. Docket! I mean docket!

OMG! Lindsey Graham's Vote For Elena Kagan Ensures He'll Lose His Next Election To Some White Hood 'N Robe Wearin' Patriot Who Thinks Less But Hates More

 Dick Durbin Whispers Sweet Nothings To Lindsey Graham As John Cornyn Jealously Fumes...

The Senate Judiciary Committee voted to advance questionably lesbian, definitely Socialist softball player Elena Kagan’s Supreme Court nomination to the full Senate by a vote of 13 to 6, split almost entirely along party lines (OMG, that's craziness!) except for that one terrible South Carolina traitor Lindsey Graham, who voted "You go girl, woo-woo!" the only Republican to break rank and vote in favor of one of Comrade Barry's arugula eating, elitist, Ivy educated liberal activist judges who will destroy America.

His reason for such Grand Old treachery?

Although Graham said Kagan was “not someone he would have chosen,” and there were “100 reasons” he could vote against her if he based his vote on her philosophy, he gayly decided to vote on her being qualified to hold the position, not based on the party of the evil man who nominated her.

Said Graham: "I'm going to vote for her because I believe this last election has consequences."

He said she met a time-honored standard for judicial nominees: that they be qualified and of good character, and even though she was not the nominee he would have chosen (she's not his type apparently), “the person who did choose — President Obama — I think chose wisely.”

"Senators shouldn't replace the president's judgment with their own, but merely ask, is the nominee qualified, of good character, and a judge, not a politician? To that, Graham answered yes."

OMG, hahahaha, he is soooooo going to lose his next primary now! They don't take too kindly to reason down in South Carolina!

But, on the bright side, if they ever do allow dem gays to gay marry, Dick Durbin has dibs on Lindsey poo who he'd just loooooove to make his bride-groom.

Senator Richard J. Durbin of Illinois, the second-ranking Democrat in the Senate, said that Mr. Graham’s remarks had made him rethink his own approach to judicial nominations — including the decision by Democrats several years ago to prevent Miguel Estrada, a prominent conservative lawyer, from getting a hearing before the committee when President George W. Bush nominated Mr. Estrada to a federal appeals court.

Ooooooooh, how adorable!

Of Mr. Graham, Mr. Durbin said: “I reflected on some of the things that I have said and how I have voted in the past, and thought that perhaps his statement suggested a better course.”

Aww, you kids sure are cute! Never mind what those sore-loser Republican naysayers try and tell you, you two belong together, because like Bristol & Levi showed us all, true love cannot be denied! (Even if it can be boycotted by the bride's dreadful, icy-cold hearted Mother!) But just be sure to keep your Senate job, Dick, (or at least don't let Blago sell it just yet) because Lindsey is so getting fired.

Richard Quinn, a Graham consultant, defended his client — noting that the Senator is “not a demagogue”. Added Quinn: “He’s a thinking person’s conservative. I expect him to do well among voters with IQ’s in triple digits.”

Umm, yeah except those two things don't exist anymore. If you said he's a comatose person's conservative who you expect to do well among voters with IQ's somewhere between Forrest Gump and Joey Tribbiani, then absolutely! But hey, good luck with that, Linds! We're totally rooting for you!

Quinn also noted that it's more than four years before Graham faces voters again; "There will be many battles fought, lost and won between now and then."

Which leaves plenty of time for the Republicans to find a suitable KKK grand wizard, Jesus freak creationist, mentally ill born again anything, homophobic closet case, family values Appalachian trail-blazing adulterer, or plain ol' ignorant pillar of Jim Crow-lovin' racist white trash to take on (and keep your fingers crossed!) unseat a bleeding heart liberal like Lindsey Benedict Arnold Graham, and have the distinct privilege of serving alongside the inimitable Alvin Greene.

This being South Carolina and all, surely the appeal of serving your state with a young, black, inexplicably unemployed, possibly perverted shut-in of mysterious origins with no political experience or actual knowledge to discern, who might also be mentally retarded, is reason enough.

Not that another reason is needed when the chance to give the ol' heave-ho to Lindsey Graham is involved!

South Carolina has had quite enough sensible senators with brains not grits between their ears, who think for themselves, and vote based on what's best for their country, not what's best for the handful of crazed rightwing kooks who've hijacked their Party ever since blacky NObama hijacked their White House.

C'mon, South Carolina, have you no pride (not the gay kind, obvs!)? Return to your non-existent Southern senses! Oh, what, you're gonna sit back and let Kentucky or Texas show you up, and claim your rightful place as the undisputed King of the Crazies. For shame, South Carolina, for shame!

We always thought you were better than that! Everyone expected so much more from the redheaded stepchild of North Carolina. Guess we should've known better when you elected that thinking man with a girl's name who not only sort of looks like an old lesbo but votes for 'em too! And doesn't even hate gross poor people or charming black Democratic presidents just for trying to help save the country from reckless Republican-led ruin.

Ugh! Now Elena Kagan will be confirmed and South Carolina can stop thinking it's Commie California or whatever, and go back to being the backwards cesspool of illiteracy, obesity and adulterous sex.

The way God intended.

Pat Buchanan Has Seen Quite Enough Christ Killing Jews Nominated To The Supreme Court, Thank You Very Much

Actual insane person and shameless anti-Semite Pat Buchanan took to his syndicated column on fringe major news network, MSNBC, to ask the one question on everyone's mind following President Obama's heretical nomination of Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court.

No, no not the whole does playing softball make you an automatic lezzie question. Get your mind out of the gutter, people!

The other big question people keep asking themselves, after realizing that not one, not two, but THREE dirty Jews will soon be sitting on the Court, thanks to Comrade Barry's Bolshevik plot to do away with Christianity (and good, white, civilized people) once and for all!

"If Kagan is confirmed, Jews, who represent less than 2 percent of the U.S. population, will have 33 percent of the Supreme Court seats," Buchanan wrote. "Is this the Democrats' idea of diversity?"

How else would the pesky Jews be able to control the banks and media in Christian America?

You see, Uncle Pat understands your concerns. Believe me he does! Why else would he feel the same frustrations as all those black leaders expressing disappointment over Kagan hiring way too many white people while Dean of Harvard Law?

Because as a white Christian male in America, he has been through it all. The shame, humiliation, degradation, discrimination, and persecution that comes with being a person of no color in today's America. He feels your pain, brothas!

But while leaders in the black community may be upset, the folks who look more like the real targets of liberal bias are white Protestants and Catholics, who still constitute well over half of the U.S. population.
Not in living memory has a Democratic president nominated an Irish, Italian or Polish Catholic, though these ethnic communities once gave the party its greatest victories in the cities and states of the North.
What happened to the party of the Daleys, Rizzos and Rostenkowskis?
And not in nearly half a century has a Democratic president nominated a white Protestant or white Catholic man or woman.

Thank goodness there is still one party with the good sense and common decency to nominate pure, white judges, instead of one Christ-killer after another!

Otherwise, where in sweet heavens (or fiery hell) would all the poor, persecuted white Christians go once America is completely overrun by terrible Jews, homosexuals, abortionists, and assorted other causes of God's wrath in the form of catastrophic disasters like hurricanes, terrorist attacks, oil spills, and other indisputable proof that God hates sinners.

So, sorry, Jews! Maybe next time you'll pick the right Testament to follow and son of God to worship and then maybe people will like you instead of trying to kill, or convert and save you from eternal damnation and hellfire.
Not to mention the wonders that getting rid of those horns will do.

On the bright side, at least now Sarah Palin won't mistake you for a wild moose or elk when spraying lead bullets from her personal aerial hunting 'copter 10,000 ft above ground, just as Jesus Would Have Done.
If those damn Jews didn't get to him first, that is.

Harold Ford Jr., and Michael Steele Break Out The Big Guns Down in Little Rock

OMG, did you hear the news? The once-in-a-century reason to visit Arkansas (not flee in a panic) has finally arrived. And then, like a ghost in the night, it was gone. Poof!

In case you missed THE political death match for the ages--Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele squaring off against former Tennessee Rep. and current carpetbagger extraordinaire, Harold Ford, Jr., at the University of Arkansas--fear not, my friends!

All the excitement that was "Left, Right, and Forward: On the Future of America" can still be yours, thanks to the magical land of tubes known as the Internets! Yay!

"As prominent leaders representing both sides of the political spectrum, Harold Ford Jr. and Michael Steele will engage the audience in the most hot-button issues that will shape our nation's future," director of the school's Office of Campus Life Jan Austin said. "Anyone with an interest in politics and in the future of the country will want to attend."

Or any of the dozens of other speaking engagements the two have collaborated on to inform Americans (and get paid fool!) around the country over the past two years. Take your pick.

Luckily, Ford and Steele (wait, are you sure this isn't an auto industry promo?) were paid quite handsomely for their services ($20k each), which is good because poor Harold Ford was forced to take a leave of absence from Merrill-Lynch in order to campaign, relying solely on a measly teaching gig at NYU and lowly MSNBC pundit wages to "put food on the table." Oh, the hardship!

Of course, money ain't no thang when you're big pimpin' RNC Chairman Michael "Mo' Money" Steele. No one rolls phat and large like the Steele man, no one. For reals yo!

But the two, often controversial, brothas from opposing ends of the political spectrum found time for a few lighthearted moments during their more than 90 minute debate, sparring on everything from health care and taxes to abortion and assorted other fun issues of the day.

Like when Steele bashed President Obama's plan to let the Bush tax cuts expire for families who make more than $250,000.

"Trust me, after taxes, a million dollars is not a lot of money," Steele said. Puh-lease!

Of course Ford pretended to disagree, lest he seem like a giant fraud or something, asking the audience, "Who in here makes a million dollars a year?"

Boo-ya!

But when no hands shot up, Steele jumped in with the save.

"How many of you want to make a million dollars a year?"

Awww, snap! Steele in da house!

The two also disagreed over the recent Citizens United Supreme Court decision, which cleared the way for corporations to spend directly in U.S. political campaigns.

While Ford panned the move as a "a win for very monied interests," Steele took his Grand Old Party's ridiculous "Free Speech" view of the decision, doing away with years of federal campaign finance law in one fell 5-4 swoop.

"If the people see an ad that's run by a corporation that they don't like, they'll let them know," Steele said.

Damn right! They'll simply write a nice letter asking them very politely to stop injecting millions of dollars (or as much as they jolly well please) into federal election campaigns.

Since the Supreme Court's decision effectively transforms a corporation into "a real live boy," complete with personality, free-speech rights and the unprecedented opportunity to drown the American body politic in a tidal wave of dirty money and suspect motives, why wouldn't these adorable, new corporate Pinocchios be responsive to the wants and needs of the common (non-wooden) man?

Heavens forbid their noses grow too long! Then they might be forced to use some of their money to pick a plastic surgeon instead of a president (gasp!). Poor babies!

Barack Obama's State of the Union: Put Up or Shut Up! Please??

Well folks, it's been one whole year since Barack Obama rode a wave of hope and goodwill to become America's first semi-colored president before disappointing us all with the harsh reality that he is not in fact Superman, and as such, does not have the magical ability to don a cape and instantly wipe away the world's woes with a single wave of his perfectly smooth hand.

Ha ha loser!

If you're not drunk, or in the process of voluntarily losing millions of brain cells, my condolences. You should be. Makes the whole State-of-the-Union thing that much more palatable. No one wants to watch Congress act like one big retarded wind-up doll for 60 never-ending minutes; try it sober and you'll understand what torture really is (aside from having ice-cold bottles of water poured over your head in a luxurious blindfold upside-down spa bath).

So what does President Barack Obama have to say for himself nearly one year after he FAILED to transform this nation from bankrupt Bushwhacked pariah to prosperous global piiiimp?

Surely, he'll will hit up all the key words and phrases we Americans expect, no, make that need to hear from our leader in order to feel good about about our obese, capitalist, consumer-driven way of life once again. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Words that make people burst from their seats in a wild surge of patriotic pride and affection, and also the intrinsic need to not be the one a-hole grimacing like a douchebag (think Joe Lieberman) when the President of the United States says things like "jobs creation" and "educating the youth."

Everyone, except Republicans, who only stand and cheer for phrases like "war," "terror," "Wall Street" and of course, their personal favorites, anything with the words "nuclear" or "profit" in it. You wanna see a Republican get really excited and instantly turn into an energizer bunny? Just whisper the words "oil" or "drill" into their ear and see what happens. They go nuts for it!

Unlike those Supreme statues in the front who wear their finest mumus and poker faces and DO NOT stand for anybody under any circumstances whatsoever.

Seriously, Obama can stand literally ten feet in front of the entire front-row of sitting Supreme Court Justices and call out them out for being the terrible 1,000 year old human beings that they are ('cept for that Soto chick he picked), and reversing a century of legal precedent allowing corporations and other special interests to spend--without limit--in our elections. Meaning Morgan Stanley (the investment bank) will now be able to spend the same amount as Stanley Morgan (the check-out guy at the local grocery store) to help decide the next U.S. president. Hooray!

And yet the fancy pants mannequins in the front row remain stoic and motionless, trying so very hard to not make any gestures or show the slightest trace of emotion, for fear their deep secret of being actual humans may be revealed.

Which isn't as easy as it sounds! Oh no, there goes Samuel Alito doing the opposite of "not making a gesture," by shaking his head, mouthing "not true, not true" in what can only be described as a desperate attempt to appeal to all those South Carolinians pining for another Joe Wilson-like hero with Tourettes to rescue America from these terrible NObama lies.

But, alas, those good old days are long gone, now that health care is dead and the economy is dead and Ted Kennedy is dead, and hope and change are as dead as the dickens and our miserable failure of a leader is forced to go before a gathering of hungry predators (Congress) to give some pathetic excuse about why it only took him 12 months to ruin the country when it took George W. Bush eight whole years to destroy America.

"At the beginning of the last decade, the year 2000, America had a budget surplus of over $200 billion. By the time I took office, we had a one-year deficit of over $1 trillion and projected deficits of $8 trillion over the next decade. Most of this was the result of not paying for two wars, two tax cuts, and an expensive prescription drug program...All this was before I walked in the door."

Whoa, whoa wait just a minute there, fellow! Are you implying that the presidency of George W. Bush Junior is to blame for the financial mess we're in? What a terribly impolite thing to say about the former president of these United States! How dare you even mention the great #43, let alone use something as RUDE and ELITIST as actual facts.

"Too many Americans have lost faith in our biggest institutions: our corporations, our media, and yes, our government...It's time to try something new: let's invest in our people without leaving them mountains of debt."

Hmmm, go on?

"By the time I'm finished speaking tonight, more Americans will have lost their coverage." Wooohooo!! Oh wait...that's a bad thing, right?

"Here's what I ask Congress, though: Don't walk away from reform. Not now. Not when we are so close. Let us find a way to come together and finish the job for the American people. Let's get it done."

Okay, now everyone cheer for America. And freedom! And diversity! And working together to solve problems and make America a better place! YAY!!!

Wonder where he's going with all this hippie-dippie, love your neighbor crazy talk?

"This year, I will work with Congress and our military to finally repeal the law that denies gay Americans the right to serve the country they love because of who they are. It's the right thing to do."

Arrrrggghhh! Oh no, not more freedom and equality sh*t like letting the gays also have a chance to die in war. It makes the military brass very uncomfortable and everyone knows their comfort is far more important than constitutional rights or having military personnel with the ability to translate Arabic into a civilized language like English. Heterosexual English, that is.

"From the day I took office, I've been told that addressing our larger challenges is too ambitious; such an effort would be too contentious...our political system is too gridlocked, and that we should just put things on hold for a while."

"You see, Washington has been telling us to wait for decades, even as the problems have grown worse...Well, I do not accept second place for the United States of America."

You hear that people? Silver is for losers like the Chinese or British. Gold is for winners like Glenn Beck and the rest of the Fox News team head over heels for the shiny metal of champions.

"I campaigned on the promise of change--change we can believe in, the slogan went. And right now, I know there are many Americans who aren't sure if they still believe we can change--or that I can deliver it."

"But remember this--I never suggested that change would be easy, or that I could do it alone. Democracy in a nation of 300 million people can be noisy and messy and complicated. And when you try to do big things and make big changes, it stirs passions and controversy."

"We have finished a difficult year. We have come through a difficult decade. But a new year has come...We don't quit. I don't quit. Let's seize this moment--to start anew, to carry the dream forward and to strengthen our union once more."

In other words, Democrats: thank you, and please continue trying to solve problems. Republicans: drop dead. Problem solved!

Now, that's change we can all believe in!

John McCain Says No Me Puedo To Sotomayor

Remember that old man with the sassy daughter and hot RICH wife whose biggest accomplishment other than getting beat to smithereens in a Hanoi prison cell was to unleash Sarah Palin upon an unsuspecting world?

Well now John McCain can add another notch to his already impressive resume: opposing the first Hispanic Supreme Court nominee in the history of America...for no good reason! Kudos Johnny!

The ever-savvy decision maker Gramps McCain simply will not vote for that Sotomayor lady on the same sound political rationale that most Republicans have for opposing a Democratic nominee to the Supreme Court: judicial activism (gasp!). The secret term for how this Hispanic lady might seem all nice now, but as soon as she gets on the high court, you can be sure she's gonna turn into one of those crazy liberals who "legislate from the bench" any time they make a decision Republicans don't like.

It has nothing, nothing, to do with the fact that HE should be the one nominating a Supreme Court justice instead of that annoying Barry fella who may or may not be a citizen of these United States.

"The American people will be watching this week when the Senate votes on Judge Sotomayor’s nomination," McCain said. "She is a judge who has foresworn judicial activism in her confirmation hearings, but who has a long record of it prior to 2009. And should she engage in activist decisions...if she uses her lifetime appointment on the bench as a perch to remake law in her own image of justice, I expect that Americans will hold us Senators accountable."

They will Johnny, they will! But seriously, everyone knows you haven't cared about accountability since selling your soul after that embarrassing loss to George W. in 2000.

Which is good because now Johnny doesn't need to pretend to not be a racist anymore like he did for a little back in 2007 during the big immigration reform fight. But that didn't work so well, so it was back to wingnut land for Johnny en route to winning Republican nomination before losing both the election and the respect of the world for seriously trying to pawn off that Palin woman as a legitimate vice president candidate.

Well, now John "Salsa" McCain is in serious jeopardy of losing his 2010 Senate primary in the Mexican-filled state of Arizona, to a guy who runs around shooting border-hopping Mexicans for a living.

Anyone who goes around killing illegals with their buddies for fun and to preserve America is obviously one of the more important people on the political right, and as such, will be a difficult opponent to beat come 2010.

Of course Johnny knows that which is why he will not vote for that Latina So-So lady in the hopes of showing everyone he loves America and hates Mexicans enough to be Arizona's proud senator once again!

Blech, Mexicans!

Sonia Sotomayor Vows To Uphold Law, Even For White Males

Wise, empathetic, Latina owl Sonia Sotomayor pledged to serve the "larger interest of impartial justice" and not only help minority firefighters, baseball players, and Hispanics.

President Obama's Supreme Court nominee to replace retiring hermit Justice David Souter, sassy South Bronx-born (holla!) Sonia Sotomayor hoped to silence critics, aka Republicans, with her Ivy-League educated words (elitist!) and her 17-year experience as a federal appeals judge during the start of her confirmation hearings before Congress.

“The task of a judge is not to make law,” she said. “It is to apply law...My personal and professional experiences help me listen and understand, with the law always commanding the result in every case."

The Senate Judiciary Committee resumes hearings on Tuesday where Democrats will defend her as a Hispanic pioneer well qualified for the high court and Republicans will question whether this means the end for white male supremacy on Earth. The horror!

But in the brilliant words of Sen. Lindsey Graham, the only Republican to even hint he'd vote to confirm Sotomayor, "Unless you have a complete meltdown, you're going to get confirmed."

Of course, Graham quickly added, "And I don't think you will" reminding everyone that Sonia Sotomayor probably isn't going to go off the deep end and short of a miracle from the GOP God, will likely be easily confirmed.

Sen. Jeff Sessions of Alabama, the senior Republican, vowed a "respectful tone" and "maybe some disagreements" before ripping into this self-proclaimed "wise Latina woman" for ever thinking her experience might sometimes help her reach a better decision than a white male.

"I will not vote for, and no senator should vote for an individual nominated by any president who believes it is acceptable for a judge to allow their own personal background, gender, prejudices or sympathies to sway their decision," he said.

"Call it empathy, call it prejudice or call it sympathy, but whatever it is, it's not law," Sessions said. "In truth, it's more akin to politics, and politics has no place in the courtroom."

At least not when a Democrat is in office, God damn it!

Obama Enlists Racist, Estrogen-Filled Mexican To Help Ruin America's Fave Boy's Club, The Supreme Court

The Three Musketeers

Here she is, ladies and gentleman: the newest activist justice on the Supreme Court, federal appeals judge Sonia Sotomayor! She is not only the third estrogen-filled woman, she is also the first Mexican ever to be nominated to the nation's highest court. She also used to be a poor, has lots of empathy, and was not born prior to the civil war: three qualities Comrade Barry thinks are very important for a new Justice.

Joe Biden is thrilled too because he has tons of respect for strong Latina women, not to mention plenty of killer jokes about Hispanics the nation is gonna eat up. Some real classics! But, don't worry, he already promised Barry he wouldn't speak until after her Senate confirmation hearings when Democrats vote for her and Republicans vote against her but can't do anything to stop her because no one listens to what minorities have to say anyway. Unless they're are female and Hispanic. Then they get to make the law!

This makes Rush Limbaugh very angry. Angrier even than when he realizes he just took his last handful of vicodans and the pharmacy won't be open until tomorrow.

You see, Rush wants Senora Sotomayor to fail. And he's not afraid to say it. Wanna know why?

She is a horrible pick and the antithesis of a judge and is going to be a disaster on the court. She's also a racist. Actually a reverse racist. Of course the libs will try to say that minorities cannot be racists because they don't have the power to implement their racism but everyone knows that Obama is the greatest living example of a reverse racist. And now he's gone and appointed a Mexican woman racist to the Supreme Court where she can wage war on innocent middle aged Christian white men who love narcotics and America.

Guess you're wishing we had finished that border fence after all aren't you, America?

Republicans Vow To Stop Obama's Appointment Of Someone Completely Reasonable To The Nation's Highest Court

Brady Bunch Or Barry's Bench?

Oooh, this is gonna be fuuuuunnnn! Justice David Souter's surprise exit from the Supreme Court means a new appointment for Barry and that, my friends, means yet another wild Republican showdown. Yay!

Although the Republicans won't know the specific reason they oppose his choice until he actually names a replacement, they do know it will be terrible. That's why they're gearing up for a take-no-prisoners battle, unlike the world has ever seen. And believe you me, they'll come up with something. Even if they have to make it up.

A special crack-squad of GOP researchers is already combing through the records of potential nominees, hoping to find something, anything, to knock that damn presidential thorn-in-their side, Barack Hussein Obama, off his little hope-train express.

Nothing invigorates moping Republicans like a good partisan fight fueled by hate not facts. And helplessness. Both of which happen to be strong supply right now!

So while the GOP prepares for an all out war over the "liberal" and "activist" choices Obama is going to make, conservative groups like the Judicial Confirmation Network fired the first shots:

"The current Supreme Court is a liberal, judicial activist court...If Obama holds to his campaign promise to appoint a Justice who rules based on her own ‘deepest values’ and what's in her own ‘heart’ – instead of what is in the Constitution and laws — he will be the first American President who has made lawlessness an explicit standard for Supreme Court Justices."

Gasp! With the defection of Arlen Specter to the Democrats and Al Franken's victory in Minnesota all but official, there's nothing the dwindling Grand Old Party can do now to save America from a Supreme Court bench full of baby-murdering, gay-loving potheads.

Don't say they didn't warn you!

DC Bids Farewell To One Of Its Most Eligible Bachelors, Justice David Souter!

Sound the alarms, America! Justice David Souter is retiring. Yes, one of the many Supreme Court Justices you've never heard of has decided to call it quits at the spry, young age of 69, which is really like tween in justice years.

So, if Souter isn't leaving cause he's too old or too sick or just can't stand the idea of looking at Scalia's ugly mug for one more second, why on God's green earth is our dear Justice departing?

Turns out, the man hates our fair capital city and even though he's thankful for the twenty years he's spent having "the world's best job in the world's worst city," it is time to for Mr. Souter to reunite with his first love, the state of New Hampshire.

It's where all hip, liberal former Supreme Court justices go to live out the rest of their wild "most eligible bachelor" days in robeless peace and obscurity. You never know, he may even switch from fountain pen to ball point. After all, you only live once!

Let's Try This Again...

Mulligan?

Since we all know what happened the first time Supreme Court chief screw-up John Roberts tried to swear in Comrade Barry, White House counsel Greg Craig decided to try again, hoping this time the nation's esteemed head Justice could actually recite the oath of office without turning it into a jumbled mess of unconstitutional nonsense.

Although the White House insisted the do-over was out of an "abundance of caution," President of cool Barack Obama was his usual charming self, joking it was because "We decided it was so much fun."

It was not at all to make sure some right-wing loonies didn't start trying to claim that Obama wasn't really the president. The flubbed inauguration oath was just another scheme in the vast terrorist conspiracy known as Barack Hussein Obama.

Havin' A Ball!

Happy Feet: The First Couple Kick Things Off

It's been quite a day.

Barack Hussein Obama was officially sworn-in as president to complete the nation's seamless transition from international disgrace to world pride.

His excellency even managed to keep it cool when brilliant Bush-appointed Chief Justice John Roberts tried to sabotage his big moment by flubbing the oath of office and throwing everyone off for a not-at-all awkward moment or two.

Followed by a couple hours of lunching, parade walking, hand waving, smiling, and as always, the media's riveting play-by-play commentary. Plus, a complete fashion breakdown of 2009's hottest inauguration styles...you won't believe who showed up in what!

But now that Obama is king, I mean president, it's time to let loose, throw back a few, and boogie the night away at one of the ten inaugural balls featuring Michelle and Barack's signature slow-dance cameo.

Or if you didn't happen to make it on the guest list, you can always watch it on tv like the rest of us losers not named Beyonce.

Waltzing In Style