Ann Romney Knows There's Nothing Stiff About Mitt, At Least From The Waist Down

Oh Ann. When not driving around in a "couple'a Cadillacs" or saying oblivious, tone-deaf rich lady things to the American people, like how she doesn't "feel rich" (or anything, really), Mittens' delightful, faux impoverished wife enjoys ruffling a few feathers, so long as they're the finest down, exceedingly rare, and prohibitively expensive to anyone not married to a Mormon finance millionaire former governor turned presidential candidate.

Like when she is asked about Mitt's unfortunate tendency to act like a tragically uncool, improperly programmed robot obsessed with tree height not poor people's plight, and awkwardly belting out off-key versions of "America the Beautiful" every time the camera rolls, and ends up inadvertantly making a hilarious sexytime joke about his apparently flaccid, viagra-starved penis instead.

Rarrrrr, easy there Ann tiger!

Wow, these two! Mitt & Ann are like a political, married, boring Mormon Abbot and Costello yukking it up on the election trail. The hilarity that comes out of their mouths is pure gold.

Unlike their hearts.

So what if Ann Romney wants to unzip Mitt's HUGE personality and let every inch of his MorMAN stand proud?

Guess that explains why he's always talking about wood stumps being the right height.

His Upper Lip Isn't The Only Thing Stiff, My Friends!

[image via Gawker]

High School Losercal: If You Looked Like Rick Santorum In High School, You'd Probably Hate The World Too

Oh so that explains it.

Here's Rick, err make that "Rooster" Santorum back when he was manager of his high school baseball team, presumably so he could smack hot, sweaty asses and shout "hit the showers" after every game.

And by the looks of it, the dude got even less pussy than we already suspected. Which pretty much answers all questions about the man the myth the stiff in a sweater vest who hates vagina almost as much as the emotionally fragile, money sucking, space wasting, needy trainwrecks attached to them.

But why "Rooster" you ask? Isn't it obvious? The dude loves cocks!

[image via BuzzFeed]

Rick Santorum AKA Pope Pius XIII Wants To Vomit All Over America Because Of JFK

Insane person and frothy byproduct of anal sex Slick Rick Santorum is once again all hot 'n bothered, but this time it isn't even because of hoity-toity elitist college educations, horny teenagers grinding their privates against one another like sweaty savages, the legally sanctioned Holocaust of the unborn, or secret Muslim terrorist presidents who don't believe America is locked in a WWE-style battle to the death with Satan or women's ladyparts.

No, no, this time Rick Santorum is whining and bitching and moaning (*not in a sexual way) about something really terrifying: that one allegedly Catholic president John F. Kennedy's famous, 52-year old speech in which he says the unthinkable, “I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute.”

ABSOLUTELY revolting! So gut wrenchingly horrifying, in fact, that it makes weirdo Rick want to vomit all over your face!

Here's part of Kennedy’s remarks, specifically the part that forces His Holiness Rick Santorum to excommunicate JFK to every layer of hell, while simultaneously retching his toxic bile on the good people of America:

I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute, where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom to vote; where no church or church school is granted any public funds or political preference; and where no man is denied public office merely because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or the people who might elect him.
I believe in an America that is officially neither Catholic, Protestant nor Jewish; where no public official either requests or accepts instructions on public policy from the Pope, the National Council of Churches or any other ecclesiastical source; where no religious body seeks to impose its will directly or indirectly upon the general populace or the public acts of its officials; and where religious liberty is so indivisible that an act against one church is treated as an act against all.

Ah yes, profoundly reasonable remarks, indeed the very tenet this fine country was founded upon...which Rick Santorum hears and promptly proceeds to go baaaaaarrrrrrffffffff and spew nasty high-projectile Santorum from his wide gaping mouth:

To say that people of faith have no role in the public square? You bet that makes you throw up. What kind of country do we live that says only people of non-faith can come into the public square and make their case? That makes me throw up and it should make every American…

Shut up, then grow up, and when I look at you I throw up, and then your mom goes around the corner and licks it up??

Now we’re going to turn around and say we’re going to impose our values from the government on people of faith, which of course is the next logical step when people of faith, at least according to John Kennedy, have no role in the public square.

Wait, what?? I always thought the next logical step was to get gay married and give Socialist fist bumps all around when people of faith froth like Rick Santorum, at least according to the American voters, have no role in the public square.

It goes without saying that Rick has no role in the private square either, but we're trying to keep our vomiting to a minimum, like say, the number of orgasms Rick's had in his lifetime. 

After all, intolerance and freedom go together just like Santorum and vomit. A match made in Judeo-Christian heaven!

Fuck Berlin, this is Santorum's world. "Ich bin ein Bulimic!"

[image via Wonkette]

Anti-Gay Alabama Wingnut Bill Johnson Is Against Sinful Same-Sex Families Unless He Has "A Hand" In Creating Them

Pop quiz: What does a failed, anti-gay, conservative Christian politician do two years after losing his 2009 campaign to become Alabama's newest, craziest, wingnut governor?

If you guessed embark on a lesbian-impregnating rampage in New Zealand, despite his own homophobic past and without the knowledge of his two-time Mrs. America finalist wife, give yourself a round of applause, you're right!

How does Bill Johnson, a crazed wingnut hack from 'Bama, go from preaching about the hot, erotic evils of homosinuality in America's Deep South to masturbating into a cup for lesbians 7,982 miles away in the Deep South Pacific?

Funny story!

A conservative Christian politician has a secret life as a sperm donor for lesbian couples - even though he has campaigned against gay marriage.
American politician Bill Johnson has spent most of this year in Christchurch helping run the earthquake recovery, all the while using the online persona "chchbill" to meet women who want help to get pregnant.
Under that persona, he has discussed making donations to at least nine women without the knowledge of his family in the US.
Three of the women are now pregnant, and Johnson has assisted another three with donations in the past month. It is believed he has been in communication with at least another three women to discuss sperm donation.
His actions as a sperm donor sparked concern in the fertility medicine community, whose guidelines recommend donations are made in the regulated environment of a fertility clinic, and that no man provide sperm donations to more than four families.

Then again, the guidelines also recommend staying away from sketchy, washed-up American political creeps and their anti-gay semen, but hell even Jesus couldn't resist a li'l hot lady-on-lady action, amiright?

But how did the intrepid newspaper reporters discover that freaky Alabama secret sperminator Bill Johnson was generously donating his potent man juice to all these lezzy ladies, despite campaigning against the very sinful same-sex family he's apparently now hell-bent on creating?

The Herald on Sunday approached Johnson on Thursday at a restaurant in Christchurch [New Zealand] where he had just finished dining with one of the women he had successfully impregnated.
He said the urge to become a biological father was “a need that I have.”

Don't you people get it? It wasn't a choice, it was a need! Like breathing or beating off into a Dixie cup. Ya know, normal stuff.

"Reproduction and having children is as basic a human need as eating," he told the Herald.

Okay, that too!

His wife, Kathy Johnson, on the other hand (no pun intended!), said the revelations were "the utmost of betrayal."

"This is a really, really difficult time for our family," she said. "I'm still in disbelief and very hurt, and our family has a lot of healing to do."

Oooh, is it sexual healing? Cause, if so, have I got the perfect guy for you!

"I am married to the most beautiful woman in the world. When I married her I knew we couldn't have any more children. She had a hysterectomy 10 years ago," he said. "There is nothing my wife would want to give me more in the world than a child of my own."

Really?? Cause I was thinking more along the lines of divorce papers or a swift kick in the nuts.

But don't worry not-even-almost-governor Bill Johnson! The people of Alabama still love you! After segregation and bestiality, masturbating into a cup is one of the state's most cherished pastimes!

Roll Tide, y'all! Or should I say Stroke?

[image via NZ Herald]

The Fighter In Herman Cain Wants To Keep Running For President, But The Lover In Him Has Forced His Premature Evacuation

Horny Godfather of grabassery Herman No He Cain't has gone and done the unthinkable. No, no, not shove another unsuspecting woman's head into his crotch or offer financial assistance to a dear "friend" by secretly putting his penis into her vagina at various hotels around the country. The other unthinkable thing, effectively ending his hilarious presidential campaign of one weird, humiliating gaffe and sexual harassment charge after another.

Oh, the Hermanity!

The New York Times reports on this unfolding tragedy:

An unapologetic and defiant Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign on Saturday, pledging that he “would not go away” even as he abandoned hope of winning the Republican nomination in the face of escalating accusations of sexual misconduct.
“As of today, with a lot of prayer and soul searching, I am suspending my presidential campaign,” Mr. Cain said at a rally that was originally planned to be the grand opening of his national campaign headquarters in Atlanta. “Because of the continued distractions, the continued hurt caused on me and my family, not because we are not fighters. Not because I’m not a fighter.”

But because he's a lover. And not just any lover, but a lover of creepy, unwanted sexual advances and crappy pizza stocked on gas station shelves.

He's also a fighter. Especially when it involves facts of any kind. Particularly the kind that has nice round breasts and a full, come-hither mouth it can use to call the media and give all the juicy details about the lover-fighter that is Herman Cain.

"I am not going to be silenced and I am not going away," he said with his wife Gloria at his side, vowing to continue to be "a voice for the people."

Especially the ladies. Whether they like it or not.

"I am disappointed that it came to this point, that we had to make this decision," Cain said. "These false and untrue allegations continue to be spinned in the media, and in the court of public opinion so as to create a cloud of doubt over me and this campaign and my family. That spin hurts. It hurts my wife. It hurts my family. It hurts me. And it hurts the American people, because you are being denied solutions to our problems."

Like the irresistibly sweet, black walnutty taste of Herman's Candy Cain?

"So one of declarations I want to make to you today is that I am at peace with my God. I am at peace with my wife, and she is at peace with me. And I am at peace with my family and at peace with myself," Cain said.

And with whatever hot piece of ass he befriends to help with her finances next.

Cain did, however, vow to keep fighting for his unique brand of conservatism (the crazy kind?) through his awesome new website, thecainsolution.com: 9-9-9 The Movie: Slaying the Tax Monster.

Likely followed by its sequel thecaindissolution.com: 9-9-9 The Divorce: Resurrecting The Pants Monster.

Looks like America will just have to grope its way back to prosperity, without the helping hand of Herman Cain, Godfather of Love.

Although, on the bright side, at least he gets to spend more time with his families.

[image via New York Times]

Hey Ladies, Want A Job? Herman Cain's Got A Stimulus Package Designed Just For You!

Ah, remember the good old days when the conveniently vague, creepy sexual harassment accusations against everyone's favorite Black Walnut/Godfather of unwanted sexual advances Herman Cain were kept secret from the innocent, tender ears of the American people, so as to spare us the sordid details of all the gross sexytime things Herman Cain likes to say and do when harassing vulnerable, unsuspecting women looking for a job? (We know, we know, he just wanted to give her a position on his staff!).

Well thanks to Cain accuser #4, Sharon Bialek, it's blissful ignorance no more, my friends!

Sharon Bialek, accompanied by the celebrity lawyer Gloria Allred, became the first woman to publicly accuse the presidential candidate of sexual harassment, saying that she wants to “give a voice” to other women who might have been harassed by Mr. Cain during his tenure at the association.

Bialek detailed Cain's sexual overture, explaining that he spent money on a palatial hotel suite for her at the time of their meeting. When they saw each other in the evening, Bialek said he put his hand on her leg, "reached for [her] genitals" and pushed her head toward his crotch.

When Bialek objected, Cain asked her: "You want a job, right?"

After all, he is Herman Cain, America's premier job creator. Blow job creator, that is.

Bialek called on Cain to "come clean about what you did," saying: "Mr. Cain, I implore you, make this right."

Whatever do you mean, Sharon? Cain is already right when he continuously insists that those "harassment" charges are false, in that they are actually more like "assault."

Which is weird because Herman Cain always seemed so likeable, especially in non-rapey situations, like when preaching about electrocuting Mexicans, blaming poors for their own miserable, pathetic lives, and telling women what they can and cannot do with their tight li'l bods.

Almost as weird as not one, not two, not three, but four different women all having the very same ridiculous hogwash story about a man, no, make that a Herman, as perfectly innocent as every other serial sex harassing boss who helps a former employee get a job by groping her genitals. Herman Cain y'all!

From The New York Times:

In an interview after Ms. Bialek’s news conference, Joel P. Bennett, a lawyer for one of Mr. Cain’s anonymous accusers, said that Ms. Bialek’s claims were “very similar” in nature to the incident that occurred between his client and Mr. Cain.

“It corroborates the claim,” Mr. Bennett said of Ms. Bialek’s allegation. Asked whether that meant that Mr. Cain had physically touched his client inappropriately, Mr. Bennett said “I can’t get more specific” but added that “I can say it is corroborating.”

Ooooh, sounds sexy!

Oh, what, Uz no wanna Fucki-Fucki-Sucki-Sucki-Cain-Cain??

9-9-9!!!

Gee, some people just can't take no for an answer. Least of all Herman Cain.

Because much like being a real presidential candidate, he's simply not Abel!

[image via AP]

Anthony Weiner (& His Weiner) Head To Rehab To Learn How To Have A Proper Sex Scandal...The Kind That Involves Actually Getting Laid

So now that Anthony Weiner and his rock hard weiner abs have been turning up every which way in the never-ending dick joke that is now his life, the once-promising, loudmouth, star New York congressman has decided to do what every other shamed (Democratic) politician does when caught doing weird, naughty things: cries like a baby and goes to "rehab."

So condolences to CNN, MSNBC, CBS, PBS, ABC, and most of all, Fox News, whose days of providing cocksure liberal Anthony Weiner the perfect forum on which to hear his own terribly annoying voice, has been cut short, thanks to the terrible disease known as Twitter banging random womenfolk with sexytime pics of his luscious manscape.

And now, like Tiger Woods before him, Anthony Weiner is off to the crazy house, for treatment on how to avoid publicly humiliating yourself by sending pics of your peen en masse to unsuspecting women on the internets. Then maybe everyone will forget that his sordid sex scandal didn't even involve actual sex (sordid or otherwise) but rather just a bunch of tasteless photos of a shirtless Weiner grabbing his own weiner before most likely rubbing one out in the congressional gym shower.

And hopefully this scandal too will fizzle out, fall off the top of Google News, and return to its final resting place in the subconscious minds of the public as a constant reminder that all politicians are in fact lying scumbags who could maybe get something done if they didn't spend all their time admiring the stimulus package tucked beneath their pleated Dockers through a steamy, fogged up mirror.

It doesn't help that everybody who's anybody wants Weiner to quit and go away already, with Nancy Pelosi saying very stern, Grandma-ish things about how he should seek mental help “without the pressures of being a member of Congress.”

Oh please, like being insane ever stopped anyone from being in Congress!

Even President Obama got into the mix, saying, "I can tell you that, if it was me, I would resign."

Ummm, yeah Obama, because that would ever be you. Besides, everyone knows if it was you sending cock shots to teenagers on Twitter, you'd be less worried about your job and more concerned with getting your skinny ass into the Witness Protection Program before Michelle finds out and goes all Lorena Bobbitt on you.

In the meantime, Weiner hasn't resigned but is instead seeking some kind of "treatment" at an undisclosed treatment center somewhere in America, perhaps using a discount coupon from the new adult sexting startup: GropeOn.

As of now, House Democrats get to keep their Weiner, Republicans still have their Boehner, and Anthony Weiner accomplished his life-long goal of introducing the nation to its newest (and cockiest!) congressional member.

And from what we hear, he's a lot like his daddy: a real prick!

IMF Chief & Serial Sex Fiend Dominique Strauss-Kahn Probably Just Confused A Hotel Maid With A Third-World Country

Sacré bleu! International Man of Mystery Monetary Fund chief (aka the man in charge of the world's cash money) Dominique Strauss-Kahn was hauled off an Air France flight (first class, of course!) minutes before take-off all because cops say he tried to rape a lowly hotel maid before hightailing his pricey li'l derrière to the airport and the hell back to France, where weird sexytime habits help get candidates elected president. The kinkier the better!

Oooh la la!

Unfortunately for Strauss-Kahn, on this side of the pond, locking frightened service industry employees (or actual, paid-for-hire prostitutes) in your lavish hotel suite is usually not considered winning (sorry Charlie!) and raping anyone, even if it is just an immigrant hotel staffer from Africa, is generally frowned upon by both those in charge of the world's money and those who serve the people in charge of the world's money.  

The New York Daily News provides the sordid details of the alleged assault:

The 32-year-old Sofitel hotel maid provided a terrifying account of the attack to cops.
At about 1 p.m., she walked into Strauss-Kahn's $3,000-a-night-suite - Room 2806 - at the posh W. 44th St. hotel, thinking it was empty.
Strauss-Kahn emerged from the bathroom naked, chased her down the hallway in his suite and yanked her into a bedroom, where he sexually assaulted her, the maid told police.
She fought him off, but he dragged her into the bathroom, forced her to perform oral sex and tried to peel off her panties.
At one point, he tried to lock the suite's door.
The woman escaped, scampered out of the room and alerted a hotel staffer, who called 911, according to cops.

The frisky 62 year-old French cassanova nicknamed "the great seducer" for his "reputation raping women with women" apparently high-tailed it out of the hotel before cops arrived, leaving his cell phone and any perceived chance of innocence behind.

"It looked like he got out of there in a hurry," NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said.

You'd scram like the dickens too if you just had your creepy old man way with some poor traumatized woman attempting to bring fresh towels to your room only to end up fending off the fresh attempted rape advances of some sleazy moneybags from France.

I mean seriously, what kind of rich & powerful person hasn't been in a four-star hotel and thought, "Hmm, today feels like a great day to rape somebody from the housekeeping staff!"

C'mon people! Don't you see Dominique was just doing his job!? Desperate times call for desperate measures!

Why else would the International Monetary Fund be forced to start raping people one at a time?

Republican Congressman Chris Lee Resigns Over Sex Scandal Not Even Involving Gays, Animals, Or Crackhead Prostitutes

New York's finest, freakiest, Craigslist trolling Republican House Representative, Chris Lee, was actually trying to hook up with a human female on the Internet, which is odd because everyone knows Republicans prefer their secret sexytime trysts be with undercover male cops in airport men's rooms, or at the very least, hot, sexy, underage go-getters padding their resume as pages on the congressional floor.

Now, most of the time, Rep. Christopher Lee is a married 46-year-old Republican selflessly serving the 26th District of New York. But when he scours Craiglist's "Women Seeking Men" section, hunting for some hot hetero tail, he becomes Christopher Lee, "39-year-old, divorced lobbyist" and all-around "fit, fun, classy guy" who thinks sending shirtless camera-phone photos of him flexing his bicep in the mirror like some lame high school kid on Facebook is appealing to anyone above the age of 15, let alone 30-something women professionals.

Word to the wise, Chris-bro, it's basically one step above a Brett Favre cock shot, got it?

But since Christopher Lee has already shamefully resigned in what could be the quickest-scandal-not-involving-underage-teenage boys-S&M lezzie clubs-coke-prostitutes-in-bathroom stalls-in the history of humiliating sex shockers, involving esteemed family values politicians, is there really any point in umm, how shall I say this, pointing out the man's flagrant lies and hypocrisy?

Ha, is John Boehner orange, Sarah Palin an idiot, and John McCain as old as time??

Besides, anyone who votes in favor of a ban on federal funding of abortion and against allowing gays and lesbians to be their fabulous selves as out 'n proud members of the US military is obviously pretty comfortable publicly scrutinizing other people's sex lives, and as such, probably shouldn't send out teenage boy muscle flexing self-shots all over the Internets.

Oh well!

"It has been a tremendous honor to serve the people of Western New York. I regret the harm that my actions have caused my family, my staff and my constituents. I deeply and sincerely apologize to them all. I have made profound mistakes and I promise to work as hard as I can to seek their forgiveness."

"The challenges we face in Western New York and across the country are too serious for me to allow this distraction to continue, and so I am announcing that I have resigned my seat in Congress effective immediately."

On the bright side, he really can spend more time with his family now, if they still want him around. Maybe they do. Maybe they are forgiving. Or maybe they just have a soft spot for slimy, "happily-married" legislators who secretly moonlight as single, sexy, bicep-flexing shirtless corporate shills.

If not, he's well on his way to fulfilling his other fantasy which of course is to be a divorced, 39-year-old, lobbyist.

And considering this sexytime scandal, all of that may actually soon come true for him!

Except he'll still be 46. 

Perhaps next mid-life crisis, dude might want to consider just blowing the bank on a hot, sexy, new sports car instead.

Unlike bitches, cars don't talk.

The Supremely Sordid Tale Of Justice Clarence Thomas, His Crazy Wife Ginni, & A 7 A.M. Phone Call No One In Their Right Mind Should Ever Make

Ooooh, A Supreme Love Triangle!

Hmmm, a word of advice to anyone whose spouse has been accused of sexual harassment, whether it is during their very contentious Supreme Court confirmation hearing or not: do not, I repeat, do not call the accuser out of the blue at 7:30 a.m. on a Saturday morning politely asking for an apology. I don't care if 20 years have passed since the vile woman (Anita Hill) accused your perfect hubby (Justice Clarence Thomas) of doing all sorts of weird, distasteful things with his pubes (eww, gross!) and a can of diet coke, or if you're still feeling a little bit salty about the whole thing because well, you just know your lovely man would never, ever do such vulgar, terrible things. Neverrrrrrr!

Still, this is never a good reason to leave a delightfully passive-aggressive voicemail nicely asking your hubby's former-aide-turned-accuser if she maybe felt like apologizing for being so darn sexy that sweet, darling, innocent Clarence had no choice but to constantly chat her up about breasts, porn, pubic hair and whatever other weird, distasteful things qualified as sexual harassment in the '80s.

So while Anita Hill was spending her Columbus Day Weekend doing whatever it is liberal Brandeis law professors do on their three-day weekends commemorating Christopher Columbus' discovery and subsequent destruction of America's indigenous cultures (light Shabbat candles?), Virginia "Ginni" Thomas was doing what real American patriots who run sketchy anti-Obama grassroots organizations do (other than rejoicing over said destruction of indigenous cultures!): heard the voice of Jesus Christ commanding her to dial up Anita Hill promptly at sunrise on Saturday and leave the following, not-at-all-bizarre, inappropriate message:

"Good morning Anita Hill, it’s Ginni Thomas. I just wanted to reach across the airwaves and the years and ask you to consider something. I would love you to consider an apology sometime and some full explanation of why you did what you did with my husband. So give it some thought. And certainly pray about this and hope that one day you will help us understand why you did what you did. O.K., have a good day."

Oh, Ginny! Didn't our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ teach you anything about randomly calling up the woman who two decades earlier accused your lovely hubby and now powerful Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, of being some weird sex fiend, asking her to apologize for your husband being a sick sexytime perv, and then having the sheer audacity to hope she enjoys the rest of her lovely day?

Did Anita Hill have a good day? Eh, probably not, unless you consider spending almost a week trying to decide whether the insane message was really left by Ginni Thomas or some teenage prankster from 4chan before forwarding it to the Brandeis campus police and letting the FBI deal with it, as some relaxing, all-expense paid spa vacation in a luxury tropical resort.

Cause Anita Hill doesn't. Maybe because this isn't the first time that ol' sparkplug Ginni Thomas has taken it upon herself to "reach out" to Miss Hill and demand a deep, heartfelt apology for her husband being such a hot, sexy stud that she simply could not resist his smooth, chocolatey charms all those years ago when she testified before Congress and shattered Ginni's Ambien-clouded, Tea-soaked world, where her husband wasn't some secret sex creep.

“Virginia Thomas and I have never met," Hill writes in her memoir, "and one can imagine that she is guided by her own romantic interest in her husband when she assumes that other women find him attractive as well.”

Awww, snap!

Oh, what, like the sight of a balding, massive 285lb, 62-year-old Uncle Tom nutjob in a robe doesn't make you start tingling all over, particularly in those sinful, private places Christine O'Donnell would never dare touch??

“I thought it was certainly inappropriate,” Ms. Hill said. “It came in at 7:30 a.m. on my office phone from somebody I didn’t know, and she is asking for an apology. It was not invited. There was no background for it.”

Well excuuuuuuse Ginny for not knowing she needed permission to extend such a nice, sweet, generous peacemaking gesture as a 7:00 o'clock weekend wake-up call demanding an apology for publicly admitting all the gross things Clarence Thomas subjected her to, like whispering sweet nothings into her ear about the naughty things he's gonna do to her on the bench with a gavel.

“I did place a call to Ms. Hill at her office extending an olive branch to her after all these years, in hopes that we could ultimately get past what happened so long ago,” she said. “That offer still stands. I would be very happy to meet and talk with her if she would be willing to do the same. Certainly no offense was ever intended.”

“I appreciate that no offense was intended, but she can’t ask for an apology without suggesting that I did something wrong, and that is offensive,” Hill said.

Not as offensive as the other no-good, lying whore Lillian McEwen, the latest wretched woman to come forth with terrible smears, conjured up tales about the sexual exploits of a certain Supremely handsome chocolately-hued Justice who she used to date and is probably just jealous that Ginni gets his hunky hot bod all to herself. That or she simply hates conservatives so much she is "stooping to the age-old blunt instrument of accusing a black man of sexual misconduct,” like Clarence is so fond of saying.

Sadly, Lillian McEwen did not get the chance to testify at ol' Clarey's confirmation hearings because although the two used to have a romantic relationship in addition to a work one, Clarence never even raped her or served her a chilled can of ice cold diet coke with a fresh sampling of his own Supreme pubes, like Anita, the lucky bitch!

But Lillian has is now breaking her 19-year silence because she is shopping a new memoir, debuting her new reality teevee show heard about that weird thing Ginni did to Anita, and well, it really rubbed ol' Lillian the wrong way. Unlike how Clarence used to rub her, of course!

“He was obsessed with porn,” she said of Thomas, who is now 63. “He would talk about what he had seen in magazines and films, if there was something worth noting.”

Ummm, gross?

“He was always actively watching the women he worked with to see if they could be potential partners,” McEwen said matter-of-factly. “It was a hobby of his.”

Thomas would also tell her about women he encountered at work. He was partial to women with large breasts, she said. In an instance at work, Thomas was so impressed that he asked one woman her bra size, McEwen recalled him telling her.

Whatever. So the dude's got a thing for all different color women with large breasts. I mean, like who doesn't? Besides Scalia, Alito and the whole "different color" part of course!

Another woman, Sukari Hardnett, who worked as a special assistant to Thomas in 1985 and 1986, wrote in a letter to the Judiciary Committee that "If you were young, black, female and reasonably attractive, you knew full well you were being inspected and auditioned as a female" by Thomas.

Better than being auditioned as some weird tranny, no? You should see what that sex freak Chief Justice Roberts makes 'em do!

McEwen recalls writing Thomas a short note before the confirmation hearings, curious about what she should say if she were quizzed about their relationship. She said Thomas preferred that she would take “the same attitude of his first wife,” who never talked publicly about their relationship.

Yes, when in doubt, always act like the first wife (not the one who makes bizarre, pre-dawn phone calls). Got it?

Through the years, McEwen said, she has remained reasonably friendly with Thomas. Still, McEwen, a Democrat, acknowledges growing increasingly irritated with Thomas's conservative jurisprudence and his penchant for casting himself as a victim in the Hill controversy.

But now, she says, "I know Clarence would not be happy with me. I have no hostility toward him," McEwen said. "It is just that he has manufactured a different reality over time. That's the problem that he has."

Other than that crazy cracker wife Ginni and a chronic habit of sexually harassing every big-breasted lady lucky enough to land on his big, black dick, errr, docket. Docket! I mean docket!

Michael Steele Bravely Cracks The Whip, Firing Two RNC Scapegoats For His S&M Sexytime Fun

Is Michael Eyeing Another Prime Chance To Screw His Party?

Perpetual butt of late night talk shows and even-later night scandals involving lesbian bondage clubs, big pimpin' RNC Chairman Michael Steele has finally stepped up and taken responsibility for the Republican Party's reckless, sexytime spending sprees at various, upscale lezzy S&M clubs, if by "stepping up," you mean fired the dickens out of his finance director and deputy finance director. The latest two hapless sods to find themselves without jobs, but plenty of sweet-ass memories of wild weekends past to commemorate their time as RNC bigwigs.

Which is great news because this means Michael Steele can continue his full-time job simultaneously humiliating and destroying the Grand Old Party of wealthy, sex-crazed white men who don't much care for charming, competent half-black presidents. Hooray!

The RNC's Superman 'o Steele asked for the resignations of both the organization's finance director, Rob Bickhart, and his deputy finance director, Debbie LeHardy, so that America's Number One accidental comedian can continue to wreak havoc on his favoritest, off the hook, hip-hop Party of Youth, and still provide hilarious jokes for the rest of us.

In a statement, Steele's newest, soon-to-also-be-fired, Chief of Staff Michael Leavitt said: "While we appreciate their service to the RNC and wish them well in future endeavors, the Chairman felt it was important to restructure the department in order to continue to improve on our strong fundraising numbers."

Which, as it turns out, have actually been as strong as "Steele", if that steel has been melted, bent, dissected, and neglected long enough to turn its illustrious sheen into perfectly corroded rust.

Thanks to their high rollin' Chairman's savvy finance skills, including dropping stacks o' Benjies at hot, faux lesbo nightclubs, private jets, limousines, lavish hotels, shopping sprees at upscale boutiques for clothes, liquor, and other run-of-the-mill "office supplies," and of course, their brilliant, race-baiting cartoon slideshow, using fear and prejudice to attract donors, the Grand Old Party has managed to isolate just about every deep pocketed Republican, not bed-ridden or dementia-ravaged.

In fact, according to the latest disclosure reports, the RNC has raised $121 million for the 2010 cycle, but spent $125 million, which gives it a grand total of $11 million cash-on-hand. The DNC, on the other hand, has raised less, $114 million, but also spent less, $105 million, leaving it with $15 million in the bank. Which we can only assume will go not to late night field trips stuffing cash down strippers' panties, but electing actual Democrats to Congress, and other esteemed political positions that don't involve dancing around a poll.

But, fear not Republicans, because Leavitt expressed confidence that the latest (but probably not last!) shakeup at the RNC will only strengthen the Party's election effort in the fall.

"We are well positioned for victory this fall and this addition to the team will only help us to provide the necessary resources to defeat Democrats across the country," he said.

Like chains and whips?

But, hopefully, this time they'll be the one's doing the whipping, instead of staying stuck in their other favorite position: down on all fours, gagged, bound, blindfolded, and begging for more...chances to humiliate themselves on a national scale.

Bristol Palin's Very Important Public Service Announcement Warning Poor People To Pause Before Having Abortions

Hey America, it's me, Bristol coming to you live (and most certainly edited) to give you, the public, a very important public service announcement about what happens when you, the bored daughter of Alaskan royalty, decide to get drunk and make maverick (aka no jimmy hat) sexytime with hotty boy toy Levi Johnston in the back of Papa Todd's pickup.

Now, imagine for a moment, if you were not the famous daughter of Alaskan legend $arah Palin, and didn't have moose piles of money layin' around, and your hair went from being silky smooth and beautiful to ugly and frizzy, and all your decorative animal carcass furniture was magically taken away by invisible, probably liberal, hands??

Then maybe you too would think twice (which is one more than once!) about whippin' out the hooha every time Levi gets a hankerin' and mom's off shootin' mammals or makin' a quick buck in the mainland.

Or you my li'l pistol, may find yourself miserable and alone, wearing a plain white t-shirt with no fancy designer labels, and nothing but a ratty sofa and precious li'l miracle of Jesus to call your own.

So please America, take it from Bristol and PAUSE BEFORE YOU PLAY...

Then feel free to have tons of meaningless, unprotected sex, and if you're gross, and not famous, and also pathetically poor, probably go ahead and have that abortion too.

Or keep your precious li'l miracle of one drunken night of bad judgment, use Mommy's money to launch your very own one-woman abstinence-only crusade (encouraging people to do the opposite of what you did), and remain the famously unwed teenage mother of the next weirdo-named (accidental) heir to the Alaskan throne.

For freedom!

Is That a Tiger in His Pocket or is Rod Jetton Beating and Choking Women During Sex Again?

At least Tiger Woods has one thing to be thankful for during this recent rough stretch: Former Missouri House Speaker and Republican values posterboy Rod Jetton.

Compared to Rod, Tiger's "transgressions" almost seem, dare I say, normal or at least "normal" for a married guy whose sextracurricular activities include a heavy rotation of whores and cocktail waitresses while his hot wifey and kids sleep sound 'n snug at home.

Yes, thanks to Hot Rod here, Tiger narrowly avoids the Gold (plated) medal for biggest sleazebag of the year, falling just short of the title for one of the first times in his illustrious career as a golfer closeted sex fiend.

Instead, top honors go to onetime Missouri House Speaker and all-around good guy Rod Jetton, who was arrested Monday night for allegedly beating the bejesus out of a ladyfriend during another ho-hum night of hardcore S&M sex gone wrong.

Being the devout Methodist churchgoer and deviant sex wizard that he is, Jetton of course took all the necessary precautions by creating a safe word "green balloons" in case something should go awry while beating and choking your sex partner within inches of their life.

Only problem being that it's semi difficult for anyone to say a "safe" word or any word for that matter, when your caring sex partner has taken it upon his genteel self to kindly roofie your drink and beat you into unconsciousness.

The Scott County court clerk confirms a felony complaint has been filed against former Missouri House Speaker Rod Jetton for a Nov. 15 incident in Sikeston, MO alleging that Jetton "recklessly caused serious physical injury to ——- by hitting her on the head, and choking her resulting in unconsciousness and the loss of the function of part of her body." Delightful!

According to the probable cause affidavit, Jetton met with the woman in the evening on November 15th. Jetton discussed having intercourse with the woman earlier in the day over the phone and later went to the woman's residence in Sikeston, Mo. with two bottles of wine, according to the report.

"The woman said she did not see him pour the wine because she did not follow him into the kitchen, but he returned to the living room and handed her a glass of wine. The woman remembers watching a football game and said once she finished the glass of wine, she began 'fading' in and out and remembered losing consciousness several times during the evening," wrote Detective Bethany McDermott in her report.

McDermott reports that Jetton and the woman agreed on a safe word of "green ballons" to use as a stop word during intercourse.

"The woman recalls Jetton hitting her on the face very hard. She then remembers waking up, lying on the floor and Jetton was choking her. The woman said she did not know what happened with her memory because she had been drunk but had never had the blank spots in her memory," McDermott reported.

"The woman said Jetton stayed the night with her and when he woke up he gave her a kiss and said, 'You should have said green balloons.' Jetton left the woman's residence and had not returned," McDermott added.

So in light of the evidence that longtime crusader against deviant sexual intercourse (aka homosinuality), Republican family man Rod Jetton beat the sh*t out of his drunk, drugged and semiconscious mistress while having freaky sex, making it super hard for her to say "green balloons" and also breathe, Jetton will officially dissolve his lobbying firm and leave politics to "deal with false allegations and spend time with his family." Likely in an S&M dungeon.

Call me old-fashioned but whatever happened to those kinder, gentler days when a bottle of wine and a nice pair of lace panties were still enough to satisfy your man?

**Sigh.** Guess they just don't make 'em like they used to!

John Ensign Is Nothing Like Bill Clinton, Except For Cheating On His Wife

One thing we know for certain about John Ensign is that he is not Bill Clinton.

Sure, he was banging his buddy's wife and former campaign aide Cynthia Hampton for a good six months or so before getting caught (oops!) and begging his megarich, stud parents to bail his philandering ass out by paying the Hampton Family $96,000 in hush money. Or, as the Ensign's like to call it, "generous gifts in the form of eight $12,000 checks to Doug, Cindy and two of their children out of concern for the well-being of long-time family friends during a difficult time" and also so the sum wouldn’t have to be declared as taxable income. Neat trick!

But unlike that slimeball Bill Clinton who absolutely deserved to be impeached as President of the United States for his sordid affair, Ensign's sexual indiscretion is totally cool because he "didn’t lie under oath like Clinton did and hasn't done anything legally wrong."

Thus, he is fully justified in voting to throw Clinton's sleazy ass out of office for getting blown in the White House in '98 but refusing to do the same now that it's his charming sexcapades and resignation everyone is talking about!

Sometimes sorry is just not good enough!

"President Clinton stood right before the American people and he lied to the American people," Ensign said. "You remember that famous day he lied to the American people, plus the fact I thought he suborned perjury. That's why I voted for the articles of impeachment."

Not because he's a lying, two-faced fraud and pathetic hypocrite who had to have Mommy and Daddy save him from the consequences of letting li'l Johnny down there run things instead of the morally crusading, 51-year-old beloved Nevada senator, who as a former member of the House, crucified Bill Clinton because his impeccable character, pure heart, and honorable conduct qualified him to make such weighty moral judgments about others.

Mark Sanford Disappearing Faster Than South Carolina's Job Rate

South Carolina heartthrob Gov. Mark Sanford skipped a meeting with a top economic adviser and instead headed out of state to spend some quality time with the one woman he hasn't been secretly doing, his lovely wife Jenny!

Now, normally I'm all for a little one-on-one time with the wifey, especially after hubby Mark's tearful confession of an affair with "the love of his life" and "soul mate"--Argentinian hottie, Maria Belen Chapur, when he was supposed to be off hiking the Appalachian Trail, not holed up in a Buenos Aires motel with his long-legged Latina mistress.

But, according to his spokesman Joel Sawyer, Sanford's latest honeymoon outside South Carolina's beautiful borders, is just business as usual for the heartbreaker governor.

"The governor remains committed to repairing the damage he's done to his marriage, and so it shouldn't be any surprise that spending personal time with his wife is a part of that process."

Just like it shouldn't be any surprise that what began as an innocent hike along the Appalachian Trail ended in a teary-eyed governor reading love letters to Maria and bravely admitting all the other extramarital dalliances he so deeply regrets (getting caught in).

So I guess we can only assume that in between cheating on Jenny, seducing women, Latina and otherwise, and all around being an upstanding member of the Republican Party, South Carolina's humble governor has been hard at work fixing the critical budget problems and skyrocketing unemployment rate gripping the state.

Maybe that's why the only thing worse than the state of his marriage is the state of his broke-ass, stimulus-rejecting, job hemorrhaging, neglected, red-headed stepchild of a state, South Carolina.

Sex, Lies, And Videotape

America's original $400 hair cut, philandering Southern gentleman John Edwards thought he was sitting pretty after Vegas playboy Sen. John Ensign and lovestruck Latina lothario Gov. Mark Sanford recently admitted their own extramarital affairs.

Certainly this will make everyone forget all about Johnny's little sexual indiscretion while his wife battled cancer and he ran for president of America, right?

Well maybe. If, in addition to repeatedly sowing his political oats in former mistress Rielle Hunter's fertile womb and likely impregnating her in the process, he didn't also decide to be DC's answer to Paris Hilton and videotape one of their hot sex romps for all the world to see.

That is, according to former Edwards aide Andrew Young in his new book proposal ($) with St. Martin's Press, which offers a decidedly different approach than wifey Elizabeth's scorned-but-forgiving media tour across America.

Like how Young's belief in Edwards "ran so deep that he agreed to take the fall for the candidate" even pretending to be the baby daddy and inviting the mysteriously pregnant Miss Hunter to live with him, his wife, Cheri, and their three children. He even agreed to be resettled with his family all the way to California where Rielle and her bastard child could live in comfortable anonymity, away from the prying eyes of Elizabeth, the media, and other unsavory types trying to catch Johnny in a, shall we say, compromising position.

It was while unpacking in his new home in sunny California that Young discovered the said videotape featuring John Edwards and Rielle Hunter, who had been hired by the Edwards campaign to record the candidate’s movements, engaging in some positions not exactly on his official platform.

Young also said that Rielle confided to him that she and Edwards talked about getting married should the candidate’s cancer-stricken wife, Elizabeth god-forbid pass away, even discussing what music they’d play at their wedding. How adorable!

But that's not it. Young's "impossible to put down" proposal also claims that Sen. Edwards frequently clashed with boring, long-faced running mate John Kerry during their doomed, arugula eating 2004 race, and that John Edwards told him that Barack Obama promised to make him attorney general if he didn’t pick him as his 2008 running mate.

Instead, Elizabeth got John and we got Joe Biden. Everyone wins!

Don't Cry For Me Argentina

Another day, another Republican politician caught with his pants down (gasp!). What is the Grand Old Party of traditional family values to do?

When we first heard the terrible news that South Carolina governor Mark Sanford was missing, we like the rest of the nation, were praying for his safe return from wherever he was. Off writing alone on the Appalachian Trail or something...

But turns out he wasn't simultaneously writing and hiking at all, unless of course you, like his office staff, consider sleeping with a sexy Argentinian babe who isn't his wife roughing it in the wilderness.

So after going AWOL for seven days and giving South Carolina its second heart attack since that secret Muslim terrorist was elected President, Gov. Mark Sanford finally admitted that those "projects" he'd been so diligently working on was really a beautiful Argentinian woman named Maria.

My apologies to Kitty and Monica. Guess we were waaaaay off...

"I've developed a relationship with what started as a dear, dear friend from Argentina. It began very innocently as many of these things do. A couple of e-mails back and forth...But recently over this last year it developed into something much more than that."

You know how those crazy Internets work! One minute you're emailing a friend, the next thing you know you're going incognito to have an illicit sex romp with your Latina mistress 4,797 miles across the Atlantic.

“What I did was wrong, period,” he said. “I spent the last five days crying in Argentina.”

Oh we bet you did, Governor! Until not a drop of fluid remained.

Mama Bear Sarah Palin Protects Her Young

Thank You, Thank You

Well, well, well, what have we got here? It's none other than cuddly Republican superstars Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin and George W. Bush! So what brings this unlikely trio of intellectuals together, you ask?

This past week has seen them each utter pearls of wisdom so inspiring, they deserve an awards ceremony all their own. Hmm, why don't we call it the "Say Whaaaat?" awards and check out our esteemed trophy-winners.

And the gold goes to...None other than America's fave snow bunny, Sarah Palin, for exposing "pathetic" late night comedian David Letterman as the despicable pedophile and woman-hating monster that he is.

Mr. Funnyman decided to slap Miss Palin and the rest of the women in this country in the face by joking about, "An awkward moment for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game, when during the seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez."

Omg, the nerve! It's one thing to make fun of her oldest daughter, 18-year-old abstinence crusader and unwed mother of one, Bristol Palin. But to go after their young and supple 14-year-old daughter Willow? For shame! Can Sarah ever find it in her big Alaskan heart to forgive the sicko?

"I will always forgive whomever is asking for forgiveness. It goes beyond, though, David Letterman's crude, sexist, perverted joke about a 14-year-old girl being, quote-unquote, "knocked up by Alex Rodriguez." I think he's like 30-some years old. I think that that's, you know, pretty perverted."

Wink, wink.

Not one to like second-place honors, sadly George W. Bush came up just short of the gold, claiming the silver-medal for his brilliant words about his papa George H.W. Bush skydiving on his 85th birthday.

"Just because you're old, that doesn't mean you can't do fun stuff. And you don't want to sit around drooling in the corner. And so it's a wonderful release...And you know, because I was president it sends a message all around. Go out and get something doing. Just 'cause...old guys can still have fun and still do stuff."

Alright, now please "get something doing" like jump out of a plane. Sans the parachute. Hehe, if you're manly enough. Y'all catch my drift?

Last but not least we have Rush Limbaugh, whose savvy words about Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor's broken ankle earned him bronze-medal honors as the biggest loser of all the winners. Yeah!

"I hope [Sotomayor] can find a wise Latina doctor to set that ankle, as opposed to an average white doctor."

Don't be silly Rush. I'm sure you can recommend a good one, seeing as you have so much experience doctor-shopping and all.

PETA's Failed Foray Into Sex Industry

Why PETA's New Commercial Makes Me Want To Shove Double-Bacon Cheeseburgers In My Mouth And Stomp Freshly Planted Flowers

It is official. The animal-crusaders over at PETA will not stop until they are the uncontested winners of the world's most irritating organization prize. It is the only explanation for the new veggie porn they tried to pass as legitimate Super Bowl commercial.

Need I remind you of a certain '04 halftime peep show that left the entire nation in Janet Jackson nipple-scarred trauma? Well that was for a nipple. Not even a whole one.

So, tell me PETA, what are the chances a bunch of lingerie models having hot, steamy sex with broccoli, pumpkins, and other assorted vegetables would ever be allowed to air on the highest watched night in television? Or actually make being vegetarian appealing?

Tofu meatballs are never going to be cool, no matter how many legumes you screw.

Homosexuals May Soon Be Able To Die For America, Too!

With one graceful wave of his magic wand, homo-loving socialist president-elect Barack Obama is going to let gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and other sexual miscreants serve openly (gasp!) in the military by repealing 1993's controversial "don't ask, don't tell" policy. The Army's polite way of saying, "Homos, No Welcome!"

Obama's White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs made the earth-shattering announcement during a YouTube Q & A exchange when some dude named Thadeus from Lansing, Mich., dropped the GLBT bomb on him, asking, "Is the new administration going to get rid of the "don't ask, don't tell policy?"

Looking straight into the camera, Gibbs made clear the Obama administration's desire to turn America into one big, gay dance party. With guns.

"Thadeus, you don't hear a politician give a one-word answer much. But it's, 'Yes.'

Ya, hear that Thadeus?

Barack Obama believes in equality! He thinks that everyone, not just straight people should be able to die proudly for their country.

Well, that and who can resist some hot girl-on-girl action?

Be All You Can Be?