America's First Daughter Bristol Teaches Us All Valuable Lessons About Evolution & How To Simulate Sex And Still Not Win A Dance Show

The country's, no make that the world's best Mother, Sarah Palin of the Snowy North, took a break from her grueling schedule updating very important status messages on her favoritest Facebook to give an interview to some lamestream media outlet, Zap2it, or something, to let the whole world know how proud she is of her daughter Bristol for shimmy-shaking what her mama gave her like some some cheap whore on that teevee show, Dancing With The Gays or whatever.

"We're so excited for Bristol," Sarah Palin tells Zap2it. "This is so Bristol, challenging herself, getting out of her comfort zone. She had told us just a couple of weeks before the show started, she said, 'Mom, "Dancing With The Stars" just called me and asked if I wanted to be on the show.' I said, 'What did you tell them?' 'I told them I'm not a star, and I don't dance. Sure, I'll join the show.'

Oh, hahahaha! What a coinkidink! Sort of like SarBear and the whole politics thing!

Aww, what the hell, you know Bristol, always ready to try anything once, even if it means a precious li'l miracle of God to screw up and give some weirdo name to, like say...Tripp?

"What she did, she loaded up her truck, and she drove it from Wasilla, Alaska, to Rodeo Drive [in Beverly Hills, Calif.], parked it there. She's in a little apartment there, she and Tripp [her son, born in Dec. 2008], and one of my good friends is helping her with Tripp."

Ooooh, wait let me guess! Is his name Levi Johnston/Ricky Hollywood??

"She's having a ball," says her mother. "What she said -- and it's kind of a life lesson for all of us, I think -- she said, 'Mom, no matter what I do, I'm going to get criticized, so I might as well go dance.' I'm like, 'Right on, go dance.' She's having a ball."

Sure as hell beats getting knocked up by some man-whore in the back of Daddy's pickup!

"Bristol loves [fellow competitor] Florence Henderson, and she says she relates to Florence more than anybody else."

Of course, she relates to the 76-year-old star of the Brady Bunch! They're both very wise for their ages and know exactly what it's like to grow up in a family the size of a small militia. Not to mention the wrenching pain of losing a beloved spouse/baby daddy one-night stand, respectively.

"But she has not one complaint about anybody." (Well, except for that one bitch, Audrina!) "Everything is positive, and she's just amazed how helpful and kind and gracious everybody is. It's been really good for her."

So would doing anything, even slutting herself out on the nearest street corner if it meant getting the hell out of Wasilla and away from a certain overBEARing Mama Grizz.

Bristol, who celebrated her 20th birthday by grinding, thrusting, and letting loose all her and Levi's secret sexytime moves for her 5th (and likely last!) steamy appearance on the show, was met with some decidedly mixed results, including from her own world famous grizzly bear mother.

"It's just fine," says Sarah Palin, "for never having danced at all, in her life."

But you betcha Bristy sure has banged!

Good thing, li'l sis Auntie Piper has some advice for her big sis Brist!

"As Piper was listening to Bristol explain to me," says Sarah, "how difficult the steps were -- because a lot of these dances, we had never heard the name of the dances, much less knowing the steps of them -- Piper said, 'I know how you can learn those steps -- just write them on the palm of your hand.'

"I'm like, 'That's exactly what I would do!' I told Bristol she should do that for one of the songs."

OMG totes! Then they can both be like special needs twins everyone laughs at for being so retarded resourceful as to scribble cheat sheets on the palm of their hand, in plain sight for all the world to see, en route to bein' the bestest, most freest president of America, ever!

But that's not all! Truth of the matter is Dancing with the Stars really wanted hot, hunky househubby Todd as their new, sexy Alaskan exploit but had to make do with dumb, boring ol' Bristol instead. Or something like that. Point is, Todd was totally asked to be on the show first!

Asked about that, Palin says, "I know, that's what I heard. That's what Todd has heard, too, through the rumor mill, that they called Todd. Didn't they call you, Todd?"

In the background, he answers in the affirmative. "Yeah, they called Todd. Oh ..." she pauses to listen, "they contacted the governor's mansion, the manager there, to try to get to Todd to ask him."

As she boards the flight, Palin hands the phone to her husband, who says, "It was a good thing that I declined, otherwise we wouldn't be watching Bristol today. Because, after my performance, they would ban any other Palins."

Ugh, God damn it! If only the same rules applied to our nation's democracy!

Though on the bright side, at least the American people don't have to be deprived of witnessing the nation's future First Daughter and celebrity warning against too much teenage monkey business in the tool shed sans protection, Bristol Palin, first don, then strip out of a monkey suit, and into a hot pink tutu, all the while dancin' the jive (poorly) on primetime TV, and still manage to come out looking less ridiculous than every other time she's made a public appearance. Ever.

Either way, Christine O'Donnell is just grateful someone finally demonstrated the whole evolution thing in a way she could understand: in rhythm, rhyme, and gorilla costume.

Evolution in 30 seconds. Boy, that Jesus sure can do anything!

Much Like Jesus, Levi Johnston's Higher Calling Consists Of Running For Political Office, Fully Clothed, On Reality TV

OMG America! Now that Levi and Bristol's heart-warming, 15 minute simultaneous engagement/un-engagement on the cover of tween tabloid US Weekly is officially over (or at least for the next few days), America has been waiting breathlessly for something, anything to keep us going without our two favoritest dysfunctional Arctic lovebirds by our side to keep us feelin' all nice 'n toasty numb & hypothermic inside.

Chilling isn't it?

But now that Levi's latest gig sledding to the altar with that one Bristol chick he knocked up back in Wasilla (not to be confused with a couple others dotted 'cross the frosty frontier) with the crazy, awful mother who was also a famous leader of the same terrible abandoned meth lab city is no more, how else will this still-inexplicably likable, fertile teenage fame-whore continue making moose piles of money off the gut-wrenching tale of this one terrible Alaskan family he's always blabbing 'bout, then apologizin' to on teevee and in magazines every other day?

Why, by following in the very footsteps as a certain go-gettin' mother-in-law, and running for mayor of the same awful town that foisted the wretched woman upon the rest of the world in the first place, of course!

Hooray!

After all, something needs to keep this boy in the spotlight, or before we know it, it will be back to turning tricks with his Johnson in Playgirl for Levi.

And if some people in charge of a television network happened to want to follow Mr. Johnston around with cameras and grips, while he embarked upon his likely long, fruitful political career, and also give him and his bodyguard manager "Tank" Jones a bunch of money for their services, well then who is Levi to stop them? It would be un-American!

Just look what the #1 magazine for Alaskan city politics, Variety had to say about Levi and his totally genuine reality TV mayoral run that has nothing to do with getting even with Sarah or Bristy or anything like that.

VARIETY: Where did the idea for this show come from? What's it going to look like?

LEVI JOHNSTON: Obviously running for mayor is the big part of the show. A little bit of that I’m going to have my boys, I’ll have my life in Hollywood, I’ll be back in Alaska. It’s hard to figure me out. You’ve got to follow me around. I’m very different. I live a crazy life. Basically it will be both worlds. My life in Hollywood and back home, the real country boy that I am.

VARIETY: What happens if you actually get elected?

JOHNSTON: Then I’m the new mayor. I will serve, the whole thing.

VARIETY: What did you think of this idea of running for mayor?

JOHNSTON: The first time I heard it, I got to be honest, I wasn’t thrilled about it. The thought never crossed my mind. But the more I think about it and look into it, I think there is a possibility we can make this happen. It’s something I want to do.

VARIETY: Do you have any ideas on what can make Wasilla a better place?

JOHNSTON: That’s for the show.

VARIETY: That mayoral position in Wasilla can be a launching pad for a bigger career in politics, as a certain former mayor has shown. Do you harbor further political aspirations?

TANK JONES: We’re going to go for governor after mayor. I’m the campaign manager. If we successfully do the mayor thing, we’re going to do the governorship. We’re not trying to copy anybody, but we feel he can better serve these two positions that have been so light for so long. He’s going to come in and try to help the people.

VARIETY: Levi, what do you think the reaction is going to be from the Palin camp when they hear that you’re running for political office?

JONES: Who?

VARIETY: There’s been a lot of talk about you pursuing different reality projects. What’s your reason for doing a reality show?

JOHNSTON: I just think it’s going to be a lot of fun. I’ve watched a lot of different reality TV and this is totally different. No reality show like this has been done like this. I want people to get to know who I really am. I’m just trying to send a message to America about who I really am and what I want to do with my life.

VARIETY: Who are you then?

JOHNSTON: Half redneck, half Hollywood.

Asked whether he believed people would take Johnston's run for office seriously, with TV cameras rolling, Jones said, "People questioned Jesus Christ, so I definitely don't care about these mere mortals questioning Levi Johnston...People can question whatever they want. I mean, he’s going to keep on doing his thing,” he said. “He was going to do this, even if this wasn’t a reality show.”

When God asked Jesus to be a bright shining, crucified star, he never asked why did he?? No, he did not, he took his frankincense and myrrh, and gratefully went on his divine, martyrdom way.

But what does the current mayor of the abandoned used car factory Wasilla think about Levi's desire to run, all because this other idiot who also happens to be his bastard son's sketchy ol' granny did it this one time?

Mayor Verne E. Rupright tells Entertainment Tonight, “Well, it is a little early to declare. Usually most wait until the year the seat is up. But since I am nearly old enough to be Levi’s grandfather I think it would be wise for him to get a high school diploma and keep his clothes on. The voters like that!”

What are you special needs or something?? Need I remind you that in Wasilla "being nearly old enough" to be somebody's grandfather is when you're approximately 25 years old, just completed your GED, and/or 10th tattoo (whatever comes first), and have at least two children (that you know of) with two different teenage mothers.

Plus, it really helps if you're only interested in running an actual frozen town in the middle of nowhere when the lights are on, the camera is rolling, and your once-lucrative job announcing your engagement and un-engagement and re-engagement and re-re-engagement on trashy tabloid covers just ain't what it used to be.

Hell, even Jesus Christ knew when it was time to walk away, and he didn't have God, or the voices in Sarah Palin's head, or even Tank Jones to guide him.

A truer self-made man(whore) livin' the American dream scheme, there never was!

The "Healthy Lifestyle" Of Mama Bear Sarah And Her Precious Lovebirds' Bristol & Levi's Drama-Free Sleigh Ride To The Altar

ARGHHHH, Help Bristol, Some Weird Thing Is Touching Me!!

Beloved Arctic heartthrobs Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston decided why the hell not give Us Weekly a little more of the gossipy good stuff, who in turn decided why the hell not place the BRISTOLing interview with the li'l lovebirds in their “Healthy Lifestyle” section of their site, because there is nothing healthier than unprotected, underage babymaking by two teenagers whose relationship consists of magazine covers and teevee interviews.

Us Weekly knows this! Trust me, you don't get to be the go-to rag of ironic teen hipsters with just a freakin' orange dwarf sextin' with John McCain alone!

Puh-lease! Haha, maybe if you wanna be Ok! (**Shudder!**).

Anyway, so Bristy gives Us the exclusive, juicy details about how her awful, ghastly beast of a mother (and now grandmother) Sarah Louise Palin "doesn't really approve" of her (fake) surprise engagement and reality $how auction to playboy gossip whore Levi Johnston and is "not 100 percent backing us up right now."

Oh, really you don't say! I thought Sar was positively swooning over the pending nuptials of her 19-year-old revenue booster's white wedding (in snow only--wink, wink!) to hung hockey hunk Levi Johnston. It totally seemed that way judging by her weird passive-aggressive statementy thing about “praying” for them, and alluding to "struggling with forgiveness" and other oddly decent human qualities. 

"She's apprehensive and concerned about this. She doesn't want to see me get hurt again," Bristol said.

Eh, hate to break it to ya toots, but it's more she doesn't want to see blabbermouth ex-loverboy's shoot their pieholes off to the lamestream media no more or she's gonna show them what else she can shoot, and it ain't spit!

"Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness to a degree most of us struggle to put in practice in our daily lives."

Ummm, we're actually all pretty much cool with it. But hey, you go ahead and keep telling yourself that, hon! Whatever makes it easier for you to wake up in the morning!

"She knew Levi and I had been talking, but she wanted to know if Levi was really sincere about this," says Bristol. "I told her we were working on our relationship for Tripp, and she told me, 'Actions speak louder than words.'

You betcha! But clichés come second, with tattoos a distant third.

"She's going to wait to see if he changes... But she's just glad he is getting on the right path. She knows how much Tripp means to me, and she wants Tripp to have a father figure."

Preferably, hanging stuffed on a wall in the home office!

Bristol said she was worried about telling her mother that she's engaged to Levi, a problem she obviously solved by spilling the beans on the cover of a popular celebrity trashloid instead.

“We got engaged two weeks ago. It felt right, even though we don’t have the approval of our parents.”

"Sarah and Todd Palin have not given their blessing to this wedding. In fact, Us Weekly asked Levi, ‘Did you ask for Bristol’s hand?’ and he said, ‘No. I know that if I had, Sarah and Todd would have said no.'"

Actually, Sarah would have said, not on your stinkin' life Mr. Ricky Hollywood, ya media whorin' no good slimy rat bastard! And Todd would have nodded and grunted ummm hmmm, lest he unleash "angry" Sarah upon his poor shattered soul and bruised 'n battered body.

But alas, tabloid-splattered love conquers all, even starry-eyed offspring of vicious, spurned Alaskan Shakespearean poetess's, whose living, breathing prose comes in 140 character (max) blasts of rogue flavored fun!

“I came home from work one day, and there was tons of flowers all over my room, and there’s flowers, like rose petals, in the shape of a heart on my bed,” Bristol said. “Then he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.”

Bristol didn’t even have to think about her response, “There was no hesitation at all.”

Now that's Mama's girl!

Act impulsively now, regret later!

 "What I've done is starting to sink in, and every family member of mine has some concerns -- and that is scaring me."

Not to mention the 500 collective shotguns between the six of 'em!

"My dad is on the same page as my mom: they don't want to see me get hurt. They don't want to see again what I already went through with Levi."

Good grief, girl! When are you going to understand it is not about you, it is about her? Always!

"People are more worried for me than excited for me."

I can't possibly imagine what on earth for??

Surely, not because of my long history of rash, bad decisions, inherent genetic defects, toxic Barracuda rearing, and burning, subconscious urges to show Mama Bear how a real mother neglects and damages their first born precious miracles of God (or drunken regret) by repeating a slightly tweaked version of mama's same mistakes.

Of course, it is not yet known whether the mother of the bride, Sarah Palin, will attend or if she is indeed the heartless, ice cold wretch of the snowy North we feared she was, whose big ego, selfish whims, and petty jealousy keep her away from this holy ceremony of matrimony, and leave her baby-makin' baby bride-to-be Bristol, a motherless cub with nothing but a white Carolina Herrera gown to comfort her on her most blissful wedding day?

But either way, the Bristol-Levi wedding bash is gonna be the hottest thing to hit Alaska since like...ever, or at least since God pointed his finger at that sacred spot so many years ago and went kablooey!

“It’s going to be the wedding of the century in Alaska. Our version of Princess Diana and Prince Charles’ wedding,” a Palin family friend told Us Weekly. “Everyone would kill to get an invite even if it means having to buy them an expensive gift. It’s just too bad that her mother has refused to attend. Although I can’t say I blame her after everything that boy has put her through.”

Sniffle, I get teary-eyed just thinking about it! Like how it feels just terrible to get sold out by loved ones for a little money and fame. Like they always say, nothing heals a broken heart quite like petty revenge, or was it time?

But whatever, nothing a pricey wedding gift can't solve, since everyone knows gifts are the most important part about entering into a sacred union with another person for the rest of your life. Duh!

But wait, what's this we hear about First Dude Todd's going rogue??

“With or without Sarah, Todd will be walking his daughter down the aisle,” the family friend said. “He has been looking forward to this day ever since Bristol was a little girl and wouldn’t miss it for anything or anyone.”

Aww, how sweet! Todd is going to put on his galoshes, grab his sled, and mush her to the alter! Will go perfectly with li'l Tripp and Levi's matching camo vests!

Too bad Sarah will likely lay a moose egg over Todd's li'l fatherly sleigh ride to the alter, and probably tweet her divorce to him later that day.

“It just feels right to be a family,” Bristol said. Err, or at least until next week's issue hits the stands and all hell breaks loose.

The famousest First Family of the Final Frontier's foremost frozen meth lab, and abandoned soul-crushing spawn place of Sarah, the one and only, wondrous Wasilla!

Even if its star attraction, Mama grizzly can't make it.

She'll simply adore his wicked, new R&B ballad "After Love" and its accompanying sexy new music video about a...wait for it..."loony interfering mom," of all things!

In conceiving the video, director Evan Winter admitted that he "riffed off [Johnston's] real-life situation." It shows a couple sharing "tender moments before they are driven apart by the young woman’s mother," the Associated Press reports. "Unaware that her mom’s interference forced her boyfriend to go, she throws herself into her mother’s arms. She tells her mother that she was wrong about Levi."

OMG, looks like Levi's joined wifey Bristol as America's other most prominent young actor. Guess she's not the only one with the acting chops and talent to make it as a real, live teevee star around here!

It's like Mama P always said, the show must go on!

And a sweet, well-mannered boy like Levi Johnston would never disappoint the ol' ma-in-law.

Which means, Sarah darling's gonna have to wait another two years (uh, how long those term thingys last again?) 'til she's (finally!) President and can have that darn boy killed already, and all traces of his existence destroyed!

Ooooh, looks like someone just thought of the perfect (surprise) anniversary gift, to boot!

True Love Never Dies, It Dresses Like Jehovah's Witnesses & Graces Gossip Magazine Covers

L is for Levi? Love? Lies?

Legend of the Snowy North and fearless leader of mama Grizzlies the world over, Sarah Palin awoke one Alaskan morning to quite a surprise from one of her own precious little cubs, whose lovable mug was splashed all over the lamestream tabloid Us Weekly announcing the wonderful, earth shattering news that Alaska’s favoritest star-crossed lovers Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston will, at long last, be making their deep bond official in the eyes of the Lord and legal system.

This is wonderful news, America! And everyone is very excited for these two bright eyed young patriots trying so hard to navigate through the murky waters of teenage parenthood and true love, all under the blinding glare of the media they solicited when exclusively announcing their secret wedding plans to the world!

But what does Mama Bear, the only reason this charming couple is seemingly of any interest to anyone anywhere, think about all this gossip fodder about her little grizzly cub and new, life-altering choice to follow in her footsteps? Perhaps she offered her daughter some sage wisdom and heartfelt advice about these difficult decisions like whether to run away and elope, or come out as a couple on the cover of America's fave teen gloss, Us, to which Mother has a subscription gracing the coffee table back home in Wasilla, and is likely how she found out about her eldest daughter's upcoming plans to tie the noose knot with high school hottie Levi.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston say that Sarah Palin has been kept in the dark about their plans...until now.

"We got engaged two weeks ago," 19-year-old Bristol Palin told Us Weekly. "It felt right, even though we don't have the approval of our parents."

Says Bristol, “It is intimidating and scary just to think about what her reaction is going to be. Hopefully she will jump on board.”

But she'll probably just pump us full of lead and toss us overboard instead. Because Sarah Palin does not forgive nor does she forget. Christian virtue or not, forgiveness is simply not in her! But what is in her, is issuing underhanded, passive-aggressive statements to Good Morning America, swiping at ex-baby daddy's turned soon-to-be baby daddy hubbies by "praying" for them, and alluding to "struggling" with things like compassion and forgiveness.

"As parents, we obviously want what is best for our children, but Bristol is ultimately in charge of determining what is best for her and her beautiful son.

Like choosing to consecrate their deep, star-crossed Arctic love by dressing like Jehovah Witness proselytizers and appearing on the cover of popular tween tabloids for all the world to see.

"Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness to a degree most of us struggle to put in practice in our daily lives. We pray that, as a couple, Bristol and Levi's relationship matures into one that will allow Tripp to grow up graced with two loving parents in his life."

Or at least until they both get filthy rich (just like mama!) making moose piles of money off their reality show and one of them tragically falls off the Bridge To Nowhere and Tripp is once again reduced to boring, untelevised existence with a single, abstinence-crusading mom and loving Grandmama, whose apocalyptic nightmare of her own flesh and blood marrying into a liberal-media-sympathizing, truth telling, blog writing, criminally troubled fellow Arctic family, is fortunately now floating face down in the frozen Arctic waters off Prince William Sound.

Because you don't need to be a brilliant, former half-term governor like Sarah to know that only dead fiances fish go with the flow.

"He's a kid. He's misguided," Sarah Palin said of Johnston in November. "I can't wait until he comes back on that right road of wanting to be part of the family and Tripp's life. It's going to be good."

Good as dead. Mwhahahahahahaha!

OMG! Breaking News: Levi Johnston & Bristol Palin Are Back In Love, & Everything Bad He Said Was A Lie, Until Their Next Break Up

America's favorite spurned, tell-all baby daddy and almost X-rated Alaskan answer to Scott Brown, hunky heartthrob Levi "Almost Showed My" Johnston wants you to know all those mean, terrible, private things he said about the Palins, specifically sweet matriarch Sarah Palin, were actually mere figments of his wild, teenage imagination and he's deeply sorry for all the pain, trouble, anguish, anger, or ill effects he may have inadvertently caused the family. When he slipped and fell into every teevee interview and talk show around to say some juicy stuff about how Sarah is really a crazy, cold-hearted wench and so on and so forth.

Accidentally when he was still all sad and upset-like 'cause of his break-up with Bristol and the whole crazy Tripp thing (like fatherhood, weird!) and said some, umm, things he shouldn't have said.

Especially if he knew he was gonna get back together with Bristol and the gang!

"Last year, after Bristol and I broke up, I was unhappy and a little angry. Unfortunately, against my better judgment, I publicly said things about the Palins that were not completely true," he said. "I have already privately apologized to Todd and Sarah. Since my statements were public, I owe it to the Palins to publicly apologize."

What those things were exactly, he wouldn't say, but whatever the lies were, he is certainly the sorriest young high school hockey star and famousest father in all of Alaska! Besides, he needs to stay mum in case he ever needs leverage for future baby-momma drama (although we're certain they'll live happily ever after!).

He would never ever do a thing like that again, or at least until the next time he is shamefully cast off by the Sopalins for being a slutty man whore with a big mouth who gossips like some high school heartthrob after breaking up with his girlfriend because of her psycho mother.

His hot, sexy, amateur actress girlfriend whose star-making performance playing the non-gifted, white trash version of brilliant cellist Yo-Yo Ma means she can finally give the whole abstinence crusade thing a rest and get back to doing what she does best: screwing the bejesus out of beau Levi, whenever Mama's off on a hunt or hoarding cash in the Lower 48 for freedom!

Bristol, who has finally gotten the hang of how the whole Palin family ghostwritten public statement thing works, added her "own" professionally crafted response, saying: "Part of co-parenting is creating healthy and honest relationships between the parents. Tripp one day needs to know the truth and needs to know that even if a mistake is made the honorable thing to do is to own up to it."

Got it Johnston?

Okay, okay, sorry Tripp for getting drunk, not wrapping up the goods, and nine months later having a special, li'l miracle of God I never really wanted but lost the receipt so can't return, ugh. A total bummer but Bristol says he's real cute 'n stuff, and I can teach him to play hockey and hunt and how to ding dong ditch with flaming bags of moose dung, so we'll see. Who knows, maybe it won't be too bad after all!

And now that Mama's off Facebookin' for freedom 'cross America, Bristol and Levi are free to be the two made-for-each-other love birds, and underage sex machines everyone knows they should be.

“Bristol and Levi are still very close,” a source close to Bristol, 19, tells Us. The eldest daughter to former Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin claimed in the June issue of Harper’s Bazaar that ex Johnston, 20, was “a stranger to me.”
But the source reveals, “Now that Mama Palin is out of the picture and Bristol is on her own in Anchorage, they spend more time together than most people think.”

Oooooh, does that mean they're doing DOING IT????

Because we all know what happened the last time Mama Bear was too busy ruining running Alaska to monitor her eldest daughter's sexual behavior.

But wait, maybe the pair is just trying to spend more time together with li’l Tripp?

Adds the source: “Levi even stays overnight. I even think they are back together.”

Like making steamy, unprotected sexytime back together?

"So to the Palin family in general and to Sarah Palin in particular, please accept my regrets and forgive my youthful indiscretion," Johnston said. "I hope one day to restore your trust."

So I can return to my rightful place inside your daughter, continue reproducing tons o' li'l Tripps and Triggers, and restore my suddenly cold-as-Wasilla sex life back to its mainland warmth.


Which means the whole world can breathe a collective sigh of relief knowing it's favoritest pair are back on (top of each other?) and can reclaim their well-deserved title as America's #1 Sweethearts, now that Al and Tipper have so cruelly tossed their title in the gutter, and crushed our belief in love and God.

Yay!

But wait! Not so fast, says Levi's sister Mercede, who took to her awesome new blog to hit back at the Levi Johnston faux apology tour to get back into Sarah's good graces and Bristol's designer pants.

"After about four hours of fun out on a four-wheeler I finally stopped someplace where there was a clear signal and checked my I-phone. I found that I had received a number of messages, but there was one which caught my attention, immediately made my heart beat faster, and brought a tear to my eye."

"The message was from my mother saying that Levi, who has not spoken to us since he rekindled his relationship with Bristol (although we had attempted repeatedly to call or text him), left a message saying that if I did not take my blog down by Wednesday that I would never get to see him, or Tripp, again."

"I could not believe it! I thought to myself if he was really willing to make such a threat that he would at least have the decency to call me and talk about it first. I mentioned on my blog repeatedly that my intention was not to hurt or attack the Palins, but to speak out and tell the public my side of the story. As well as how badly my life, and the lives of our family members, had been impacted by our association with the Palins."

"It had my mind spinning. How could my brother threaten me like this?"

Oh no! Levi has forgotten who his real non-rich and famous celebrity family is! Now, he will never return to his familial frozen meth lab roots in Wasilla! How can you do this, Levi?

I wish Levi could be the man I know he is and have a mind of his own and finally stand his ground, but I guess he is blinded by love. I just wish he would take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

Like how Bristol and Levi are totally back together, true love conquers all, or at least whatever couldn't be accomplished by drilling, baby drilling Levi's fragile, hunky brain with evil Palin Family brainwashing.

Unlike every other idiot teenage couple who got knocked up in America, Bristol and Levi have publicists who talk to the national media when their romantic status changes. Which means, we won't have to rely on the poor man's journylism of Mercede Johnston's blog, the savvy investigatory prowess and unparalleled determination of Us Weekly, or the power of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ to keep us informed of this very special moment in American history.

And maybe, just maybe, if every last man, woman, and child (special needs and otherwise) in America tries their very hardest (and prays every night) to break the evil Sarah spell, Levi Johnston will one day be able to break free from the strings of Palin puppethood (or is it parenthood?), and once again be a real live boy, err make that, real, live Playboy centerfold.

Bristol Palin's Very Important Public Service Announcement Warning Poor People To Pause Before Having Abortions

Hey America, it's me, Bristol coming to you live (and most certainly edited) to give you, the public, a very important public service announcement about what happens when you, the bored daughter of Alaskan royalty, decide to get drunk and make maverick (aka no jimmy hat) sexytime with hotty boy toy Levi Johnston in the back of Papa Todd's pickup.

Now, imagine for a moment, if you were not the famous daughter of Alaskan legend $arah Palin, and didn't have moose piles of money layin' around, and your hair went from being silky smooth and beautiful to ugly and frizzy, and all your decorative animal carcass furniture was magically taken away by invisible, probably liberal, hands??

Then maybe you too would think twice (which is one more than once!) about whippin' out the hooha every time Levi gets a hankerin' and mom's off shootin' mammals or makin' a quick buck in the mainland.

Or you my li'l pistol, may find yourself miserable and alone, wearing a plain white t-shirt with no fancy designer labels, and nothing but a ratty sofa and precious li'l miracle of Jesus to call your own.

So please America, take it from Bristol and PAUSE BEFORE YOU PLAY...

Then feel free to have tons of meaningless, unprotected sex, and if you're gross, and not famous, and also pathetically poor, probably go ahead and have that abortion too.

Or keep your precious li'l miracle of one drunken night of bad judgment, use Mommy's money to launch your very own one-woman abstinence-only crusade (encouraging people to do the opposite of what you did), and remain the famously unwed teenage mother of the next weirdo-named (accidental) heir to the Alaskan throne.

For freedom!

Sarah Palin Demands Rahm Emanuel Be Fired For Hating All Special Needs Children, Especially Trig

Special Needs Showdown: Barracuda vs. Rahmbo

After a seemingly eternal week or two without any artificial drama to bitch and moan about on her favoritest social networking site, proud Emperor of Facebook and trivial feuds of all kinds, Sarah Palin has finally found a dumb, insignificant comment to get her panties all in a twist, so people will stop ignoring her highness to instead talk about silly, unimportant things like jobs and health care.

Fresh off her victorious 432-page war on the written word known as the great Going Rogue assault, Sarah Palin has now declared war on a dangerous, new threat to humanity: 9½ fingered fiend, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. Rahmbo to those (un)fortunate enough to cross his path.

This time, the Alaskan queen's loaded gun of anger is being aimed directly at the White House's pugnacious point man for his latest, horrible affront to lovely Sarah Palin and special needs children around the world. And you best believe Miss Thang has the hammer cocked and her finger tight on the trigger!

You see, Sarah is very upset, no, make that devastated, over that terrible Rahm man's insensitive smackdown of Senate liberals (everyone's fave scapegoat!), describing their strategy to pressure Senate centrists as "fucking retarded."

Well, Mother Theresa of Alaska over here doesn't much care for meany language like that, especially when it comes from from someone as heartless and evil as the right-hand man of Satan himself, Barack Hussein Obama.

She simply will not stand for it, and is calling on President Obama to fire that no-good bastard Rahm...unless he too despises li'l Trigger and special needs babies everywhere.

And as any serious political heavyweight would, Sarah Palin naturally took her (retarded) fight to the Internets to issue an alert to her Facebook faithfuls, complete with the heading: "Are You Capable of Decency, Rahm Emanuel?"

"Yes, Rahm is known for his caustic, crude references about those with whom he disagrees, but his recent tirade against participants in a strategy session was such a strong slap in many American faces that our president is doing himself a disservice by seeming to condone Rahm's recent sick and offensive tactic."

"Just as we'd be appalled if any public figure of Rahm’s stature ever used the 'N-word' (newborn??) or other such inappropriate language, Rahm's slur on all God’s children with cognitive and developmental disabilities – and the people who love them – is unacceptable, and it's heartbreaking."

Shhhhhhh, if you're really quiet, you can actually hear Trig weeping in his crib right now.

And to think, the dastardly comment would've gone largely unnoticed by the evil, elitist mainstream media (they love socialists!) if it wasn't for a true "patriot" hero in Massachusetts (Scott Brown?) whose own li'l bundle of joy also has Down Syndrome.

"A patriot in North Andover, Massachusetts, notified me of Rahm's "retarded" slam. I join this gentleman, who is the father of a beautiful child born with Down Syndrome, in asking why the Special Olympics, National Down Syndrome Society and other groups condemning Rahm’s degrading scolding have been completely ignored by the White House. No comment from his boss, the president?"

"As my friend in North Andover says, '"This isn't about politics; it's about decency. I am not speaking as a political figure but as a parent and as an everyday American wanting my child to grow up in a country free from mindless prejudice and discrimination, free from gratuitous insults of people who are ostensibly smart enough to know better... Have you no sense of decency, sir?'"

"Mr. President, you can do better, and our country deserves better."

-- Sarah Palin

At least, sweet Sarah has the common decency to wait until she's all alone in the comfort of her home to call her own special needs baby "retarded."

No, not Levi Johnston, silly! We're talking about li'l Trig!

What are you "fucking retarded" (like the 12,903 fellow Facebookers dumb enough to actually "like" Sarah's incoherent, idiot post) or something??

If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em: Sarah Palin Goes Rogue With Elitist Media Queen Oprah

Rogue author and GOP sexpot from the snowy north Sarah Palin graced us sinners and traitors in the Lower 48 to talk about her favorite subject other than herself (no not Facebook, Levi Johnston of course!) on that popular chocolate lady's television show, Orpah, Oprah or whatever it's called.

Speaking to the talk show queen, the queen of Alaska had some choice words for baby daddy and former Bristol beau, Levi Johnston's (or shall we say Ricky Hollywood's) recent extracurricular activities.

Un-Christian activities such as running around like some cheap media whore and engaging in "aspiring porn" when he should be spending quality time with his 11-month old son, Tripp.

Let's not mince words here. Sarah Palin knows sexual deviance when she sees it and Levi err Ricky's little bare-all Playgirl photo shoot, featuring not one but two "hockey sticks," is exactly that.

"I call that porn," Palin explained, adding that "some of the things that he is doing is kind of heartbreaking."

However, Palin said that she continues to "hope for the best, and pray for Levi," before blasting the no-good lying bastard for shirking his duties as a father in order to hobnob with the elitist media to promote his new-found ambitions as an actor, model, and professional nudist.

"He hasn’t seen the baby much while he has been on his media tours," Palin said.

But his legs aren't the only thing Levi's been spreading. How about all those terrible lies about Sarah's perfectly wonderful family?? None of which have even a single grain of truth to them, she'll have you know!

When asked about her plans for 2012, Palin said that a presidential run in two years is "not on my radar screen right now."

“I am dealing with so many issues that are important to me," she said. "What I am seeing every day is that you don’t need a title to be important."

Or as you taught us, sweet Sarah, you don't need to be important to have a title.

You just need a hot bod, nice shade of lipstick, minimum brain activity, radical views and a desperate old man willing to bet the house on an untested Alaskan maverick who listens only to the soothing voice of Jesus Christ...and Glenn Beck. Oh and snagging that $7 million signing bonus didn't hurt either.

Sarah Palin Doesn't Have Time For Naked Retards Like Levi Johnston

Alaskan oilfield worker turned celebrity baby daddy turned famous nude model Levi Johnston is apparently getting ready for his next big gig stuffed and hanging as the newest decorative piece on a wall in Sarah Palin's home office.

Which would help explain Johnston's interview on CBS's "The Early Show" repeating his earlier accusation that Sarah Palin is a terrible person and even worse mother who routinely referred to her son, Trig, who suffers from Down syndrome, as her "retarded baby."

"I was just in shock for the first time I heard it," Johnston said. "And then she'd say it regularly. And I think she was joking, but it doesn't make it right."

You bet(cha) your special needs ass it doesn't!

But being the gentleman he is, Levi's not gonna sit here and bad mouth that conniving, fame-seeking fraud Sarah Palin, opting to take the high road instead.

"There are some things that I have that are huge. And I haven’t said them because I'm not gonna hurt her that way...You know, I mean, if I really wanted to hurt her, I could, very easily. But there’s — I’m not gonna do it. I’m not going that far."

Still, Johnston said, "Those are just little things I put in Vanity Fair. You know, all the big things I got, I'm keeping -- you know, I'm keeping them in, and -- you know, it's just something that probably will never come out."

But don't worry because the real goods are still coming out--in an upcoming issue of Playgirl magazine--when Levi exposes the Johnston America's been waiting for.

Rest assured because like everything else Levi is involved in, the Playgirl spread will be done "tastefully."

"I'm not gonna just go out there and get naked." Ha ha, I mean what do you think he is some kind of idiot or something?

Whatever dude. Levi knows haters like Sarah will always do whatever they can to bring playas like him down.

"I'm sure Sarah's got something coming for me...I'm not worried about her saying anything about me. I've really never done anything bad. I don't have anything to hide. So she can go on and say what she wants."

Oh don't you worry Levi, something tells me that's one thing you can bank on.

Loyal Palin spokeswoman and defender from evil event planners Meg Stapleton is all over this latest attack on her majesty.

"We have purposefully ignored the mean spirited, malicious and untrue attacks on our family," Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton said in an email. "We, like many, are appalled at the inflammatory statements being made or implied. Trig is our ‘blessed little angel’ who knows it and is lovingly called that every day of his life. Even the thought that anyone would refer to Trig by any disparaging name is sickening and sad."

Palin, who did not refer to Johnston (as a blessed little angel or specifically by name at all) singled out CBS for giving him a "forum to propagate lies" and alluded to Johnston's upcoming bare-all spread in Playgirl magazine.

“Consider the source of the most recent attention-getting lies - those who would sell their body for money reflect a desperate need for attention and are likely to say and do anything for even more attention,” she said.

Well well, imagine that. Guess you could just say he decided to go rogue!

Forget Moose, Sarah Palin's About To Field Dress Levi Johnston

19-year-old Alaskan daddy Levi Johnston shot to stardom by impregnating abstinence-only crusader and female role model Bristol Palin, whose mother just happens to be the most powerful woman in Alaska! At least before she upped and quit her job of running the damn state in order to make boatloads of money hawking her book to sinners and elitists in the "lower 48."

Well anyway now that he's a real celebrity and all, Levi Johnston figured he'd take a break from appearing on talk shows, pursuing his own book deal or modeling contract and maybe "getting into some movies or something" while also working as a carpenter to share his take on the real reason his almost Mother-in-law decided to abruptly resign as governor of the great state of Alaska.

Johnston, who lived with the Palin family from early December to the second week in January in order to have lots of premarital sex with his baby mama Bristol, claimed he heard the governor say how nice it would be to take advantage of the lucrative deals being offered, such as "books, talk shows, whatever, things like that."

"She had talked about how nice it would be to take some of this money people had been offering us and you know just run with it, say 'forget everything else,'" he said.

"I've seen how stressful this job was for her, and she came home late at night and things like that." But, Johnston added, "I think the big deal was the book. That was millions of dollars."

So there you have it people. Straight from Levi's lips to your ears: Sarah Palin wanted to get rich from being Alaska's most famous export but was too lazy to be governor at the same time. OMG, alert the presses!

A Diamond Is Forever; Bristol Palin And Levi Johnston Not So Much

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Oh no! America's favorite role models for unwed teenage pregnancies you don't regret but just wished happened ten years later, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have called off their engagement. A stunning twist in what otherwise was a perfect, fairy tale romance.

The heart-breaking news comes just 2 1/2 months after 18-year-old Bristol gave birth to the happy former couple's first child, a baby boy named Tripp.

Bristol and 19-year-old baby daddy Levi Johnston were planning to get married after they completed high school, but instead have decided to go their separate ways.

Although details of the split are unclear, the break-up apparently happened a "few weeks ago" and was a "mutual decision," despite some nasty rumors swirling on the internet involving the words "Levi" and "white trash." Preposterous, I know.

Of course, Levi is still committed to being a "hands-on dad" and the best father possible to their infant son Tripp. Levi's so dedicated to his son that he might even look for a job since that whole oil field gig didn't work out too well for him.

Bristol, meanwhile, is doing well, and is currently attending Wasilla High and considering enrolling in college next fall to study nursing and learn alternatives to abstinence-only education, like how condoms can help prevent babies from growing inside of you.

As far as her newfound motherhood affecting her college aspirations, Bristol isn't worried. She'll just hand off little Tripp to Mama Bear Sarah Palin. She'd never mind one more miracle of God.