Sarah Palin's Much-Anticipated Assault On Literature Slated For November

Rejoice America! The release date for Sarah Palin's much-anticipated new "book" has been moved up from spring 2010 to Nov. 17 because the world simply cannot wait one another second to devour all 400 wisdom-filled pages from Alaska's sexiest import.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of Sarah Palin and her loyal ghostwriter Lynn Vincent, the dynamic duo were able to complete the former governor's new memoir "Going Rogue: An American Life" just four months after the book deal was announced. You betcha!

"Governor Palin has been unbelievably conscientious and hands-on at every stage, investing herself deeply and passionately in this project," said Jonathan Burnham, publisher of Harper. "It's her words, her life, and it's all there in full and fascinating detail."

Well, almost her words. Never mind the fact that not a single page was written by the lovely Miss Palin, but rather by former Navy air-traffic controller and renowned ghostwriter Lynn Vincent of "Donkey Cons: Sex, Crime, and Corruption in the Democratic Party" fame. But then again, a book with nothing but pigs wearing lipstick illustrations interspersed with various truncated action verbs (runnin'/playin'/huntin') to describe a certain maverick superstar from the snowy north with some of the most bad-ass winking skills this side of the Arctic, doesn't exactly sound like an award-winner.

For those of you who were in a coma, on the bridge to nowhere, or living outside the metropolis of Wasilla during the presidential elections, the term "going rogue" is more than just the ingeniously witty title of Sarah's new literary abomination.

It also of course refers to the criticism some McCain adviser used to describe Palin's erratic and potentially destructive behavior during the end of the 2008 campaign when she did whatever she could to seal the old man's fate as a perennial presidential loser--while still advancing her own (political?) career as the maverick reformer who quit governing Alaska to join Facebook full-time.

So, while Sarah's juicy, soon-to-be-released memoir (do I smell Pulitzer?) may be soaring up the bestseller lists, (holding the No. 3 spot on Amazon just behind Glenn Beck's "Arguing with Idiots: How to Stop Small Minds and Big Government") and worth every penny of the $7 million advance she pocketed, her success on the lecture circuit hasn't exactly fared as well.

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/28/sarah-palin-memoir-going-_n_302246.html

Aside from the hefty $100,000 fee this small-town values gal from Wasilla demands, many of the major venues are taking a pass on Miss Palin.

"The big lecture buyers in the US are paralyzed with fear about booking her, basically because they think she is a blithering idiot."

"Palin is so uninteresting to so many groups -- unless they are interested in moose hunting," one industry expert explained. "What does she have to say? She can't even describe what she reads."

That's okay. Thanks to her 432-page war on the written word, we can't either.

Forget Moose, Sarah Palin's About To Field Dress Levi Johnston

19-year-old Alaskan daddy Levi Johnston shot to stardom by impregnating abstinence-only crusader and female role model Bristol Palin, whose mother just happens to be the most powerful woman in Alaska! At least before she upped and quit her job of running the damn state in order to make boatloads of money hawking her book to sinners and elitists in the "lower 48."

Well anyway now that he's a real celebrity and all, Levi Johnston figured he'd take a break from appearing on talk shows, pursuing his own book deal or modeling contract and maybe "getting into some movies or something" while also working as a carpenter to share his take on the real reason his almost Mother-in-law decided to abruptly resign as governor of the great state of Alaska.

Johnston, who lived with the Palin family from early December to the second week in January in order to have lots of premarital sex with his baby mama Bristol, claimed he heard the governor say how nice it would be to take advantage of the lucrative deals being offered, such as "books, talk shows, whatever, things like that."

"She had talked about how nice it would be to take some of this money people had been offering us and you know just run with it, say 'forget everything else,'" he said.

"I've seen how stressful this job was for her, and she came home late at night and things like that." But, Johnston added, "I think the big deal was the book. That was millions of dollars."

So there you have it people. Straight from Levi's lips to your ears: Sarah Palin wanted to get rich from being Alaska's most famous export but was too lazy to be governor at the same time. OMG, alert the presses!

Sarah Takes Her Media War To The Internets!

Since shocking the world with her untimely departure as Alaska's sexiest rogue governor, Sarah Palin has kept a low profile, emerging only to fight back against the evil mainstream media via her fave two underground communication channels, Facebook and Twitter, where she still sports the INACCURATE name AKGovSarahPalin!! Please, Sarah, stop getting everyone's hopes up.

It is on these two obscure websites that sweet Sarah vented her understandable frustration at the terrible media for being "most predictable, ironic, and as always, detached from the lives of ordinary Americans who are sick of the politics of personal destruction."

Sarah and her cabal of Anchorage lawyers also assured that lawsuits will be slapped against such vicious hate-mongers as MSNBC, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Huffington Post and all other anti-American forces working overtime to expose Palin's decision to quit governing as anything but totally normal and completely wholesome.

How dare they ask a single question after their superstar Alaskan governor crazily ups and leaves during a sudden "news" conference the Friday before the 4th of July holiday weekend? They should already know the answer, damn it!

"How sad that Washington and the media will never understand; it’s about country...My family and I decided because we have accomplished more during this one term than most governors do in two."

"And though it's honorable for countless others to leave their positions for a higher calling and without finishing a term, of course we know by now, for some reason a different standard applies for the decisions I make.”

As honorable as when Eliot Spitzer and Rod Blagojevich left in the middle of their terms for a "higher calling?" Oh and if he plays his cards right, maybe Mark Sanford too.