Alaskans Face The Harsh Reality Of Life Without Princess Sarah

Oh no, the dreaded day has finally arrived! That fateful day when Sarah Palin bid farewell to absolute power in the snowy north and hello to marginal celebrity in the sinful lowers.

So with the lovely Miss Palin out, who exactly is moving in to her animal-carcass filled natural history museum of an office?

None other than former Lt. Gov. and initial-sharing twin Sean Parnell! But what does America know about their new Alaskan freedom-fighter? More importantly, what does America need to know about a one Sean Parnell?

Not much beyond his proud service in Alaska's House and Senate, dedicated work lobbying on behalf of Exxon Mobil in the Valdez oil-spill lawsuit (oops!), his loyal support of Sarah's mutinous gubernatorial bid in 2006 (before she was an international superstar), and his love of running, skiing, reading and fly fishing.

Unlike that other, lipstick-wearing S.P. who ruled Alaska with grace and charm before abandoning the state for grander ambitions in temperate, treacherous America, Sean Parnell will never quit. Or do anything exciting and fun like give interviews while turkeys are murdered in the background, shoot wolves from the sky, and go on abstinence tours with their underage knocked-up daughter. His are in their teens already and not even pregnant. This guy's so lame!

Sarah Palin's Farewell Kiss To The Upper 1

What better way for America's favorite former beauty queen governor Sarah Palin to kick off her final weekend in office than a picnic tour across the great and wondrous state of Alaska?

But this isn't your average annual fun-filled Wasilla weenie-roast and root beer float bonanza. It is the last weekend in the history of Man that Sarah "Barracuda" Palin will serve the good people of Alaska as its cheerful mascot and fearless guardian against Russia before turning over the reigns to somebody whose family won't be harassed by the evil, arugula-eating media elitists.

Come Sunday, Miss Palin will bid farewell to the magical place that took a feisty high school point guard and turned her into the most popular governor in America and an old man's last-ditch effort for White House glory.

But don't worry Sarah's journey into America's heart isn't over yet. Sure her popularity isn't exactly what it used to be (darn ethics complaints!), she has legal bills galore (pathetic bloggers and libelous journalists!), and is patriotically ditching out on the remaining year-and-a-half of her term (no lame ducks here!), but you betcha she'll continue fighting for Alaska and freedom with all her lipstick-wearing-pitbull, hockey mom might.

She just needs a little time away from Alaska and politics to effect real change for America. Maybe refill the ol' coffers too. But one thing's for sure, she'll "Never apologize for being American." Or an idiot either.

Sarah Takes Her Media War To The Internets!

Since shocking the world with her untimely departure as Alaska's sexiest rogue governor, Sarah Palin has kept a low profile, emerging only to fight back against the evil mainstream media via her fave two underground communication channels, Facebook and Twitter, where she still sports the INACCURATE name AKGovSarahPalin!! Please, Sarah, stop getting everyone's hopes up.

It is on these two obscure websites that sweet Sarah vented her understandable frustration at the terrible media for being "most predictable, ironic, and as always, detached from the lives of ordinary Americans who are sick of the politics of personal destruction."

Sarah and her cabal of Anchorage lawyers also assured that lawsuits will be slapped against such vicious hate-mongers as MSNBC, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Huffington Post and all other anti-American forces working overtime to expose Palin's decision to quit governing as anything but totally normal and completely wholesome.

How dare they ask a single question after their superstar Alaskan governor crazily ups and leaves during a sudden "news" conference the Friday before the 4th of July holiday weekend? They should already know the answer, damn it!

"How sad that Washington and the media will never understand; it’s about country...My family and I decided because we have accomplished more during this one term than most governors do in two."

"And though it's honorable for countless others to leave their positions for a higher calling and without finishing a term, of course we know by now, for some reason a different standard applies for the decisions I make.”

As honorable as when Eliot Spitzer and Rod Blagojevich left in the middle of their terms for a "higher calling?" Oh and if he plays his cards right, maybe Mark Sanford too.

Sarah Palin's Not-At-All-Sketchy Decision To Abandon Alaska

The Fourth of July is supposed to be all about patriotic celebration, with plenty of food, family, fun and fireworks. But nooooooo. Alaskan floozy Sarah Palin had to go and ruin it for everyone by announcing she is quitting her illustrious non-job as governor of our beloved 49th state. She must really hate America to drop a bomb like this on our Independence Day, of all times! For shame, Sarah! Have you no decency?

But what's behind our fair ice queen's rash decision to quit being governor of the frozen tundra and Russian buffer of Alaska THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS before the next presidential election? Certainly her decision was based on more than just sheer lunacy, right?

Hmmm, let's take a look:

• Is Mama Bear Palin's getting ready to welcome another little cub into the mix? One that she can give a bizarre name to, parade around town, and then spend the rest of her days trying to tear the heart out of anyone who dares utter a word about her sweet little miracle of God? Let's just hope this one doesn't end up like Bristol...

• Sarah Palin's brother knows the real reason why lovely sister Sarah called it quits. She was sick and tired of spending "80 percent of her time defending herself" from the evil Media. Which must mean she didn't feel like shrieking at late-night comedians and mean-spirited photoshopping bloggers for wanting daughter Willow raped and special-needs baby Trig murdered, respectively. Screaming for weeks at a time can be so exhausting!

• Perhaps some sort of BIG, about-to-break scandal has sent Sarah suddenly packing? Something nice and juicy involving Sarah and her snow-mobiling, secessionist husband Todd steering lucrative state contracts to a well-connected company, Spenard Building Supplies, in exchange for innocent thank you's like their kick-ass home on pristine Lake Lucille in 2002? Not our sweet Sarah. That Alaskan maverick is gonna clean up ol' Washington once and for all! You betcha' she is!

• Nasty Neocon God Charles Krauthammer told Fox News that Palin is not a serious candidate for Republicans because she's dumber than rocks and any real GOP contender has to actually understand the issues and stop speaking in cliches and platitudes because it just plain looks bad. No foolin' neither!

• Could it be that Sarah's out of the game? Gasp! According to this nasty rumor, Sarah Palin is not running for anything, ever, and that she’s “out of politics for good." Uh-oh. Did Papa Krauthammer push delicate Sarah's last buttons? Or maybe she finally got the hint?? Eh, probably not.

I say the best guess from Palin's "rambling and sometimes confusing" resignation speech is pretty much no one knows what the hell she's doing, least of all the woman herself. She'll finish her book, go promote it in the "lower 48" aka fake America hell, spend time with her (growing?) family, give paid speeches, fundraise for the GOP, talk with folks, and who knows, maybe even consider a national run. Or just a regular one around the old Wasilla jogging trail. Hell, maybe she'll just go back to school. Didn't really stick the first time around.