OMG, Has One Half Of America's Favorite Frozen Duo Been Huntin' For Hookers Instead Of Hares?

Much like America's most fair and balanced network, Fox News, America's favoritest, most trustworthy newspaper, the National Enquirer is internationally renowned for its unique ability to occasionally accurately break a real, live news story (that doesn't involve UFOs, aliens or John Edwards' man-seed) out of every, oh, I don't know, 100 or so, it reports.

So it is no surprise that the same Jan. 31 issue that reports Jennifer Aniston has a drinking problem and President Obama is so darn rail thin because he has stomach parasites, the National Enquirer also drops the bomb that America's other First Family, the Palins, isn't all moose casseroles, feigned outrage, and underage teenage pregnancies.

No sir-ee!

This time, the latest victim of the awful lamestream media's unjust, mean-spirited "blood libel" against the pure-as-Arctic-snow Palin Family, is none other than First Dude Todd, who is accused of repeatedly cheating on his everyone's beloved SarBear of the Snowy North, with a dirty, no-good, immoral, hubby stealin' hooker who was later arrested for whaddya know it, being a terrible, no good hooker!

Uh-oh! Whatever will St. Sarah do now? Certainly this is nothing more than another baseless attack on the world's most perfect human specimen, Sarah Louise Palin, by bloodthirsty media elites who are simply jealous of her uncanny ability to make moose piles of money doing nothing but constantly playing the victim card while parading li'l Trigger around in her strong, Mama Grizzled arms.

This has nothing, I repeat, nothing to do with the fact that Sarah is a delusional narcissistic sociopath whose asinine belief that she is capable, no make that, entitled to rule the free world as president of the United States of Alaska, has made her and her entire family of media whores front page fodder of every celebrity rag around.

But where were we? Oh yes, of course, Todd! Who knew, right? I mean, he always seemed so...gay!

According to the Enquirer:

While the story heats up on the internet, The ENQUIRER has uncovered official documents confirming the woman's arrest, and learned police have confiscated physical evidence that could tie Todd to an alleged extramarital affair.

We have also uncovered documents that show the woman  - identified by bloggers as Shailey Tripp - contributed free massages to an anonymous person working for Sarah's campaign for governor of Alaska.

Hmmm, Shailey Tripp, huh? God, what is wrong with you Alaska people? I mean there's gotta be more than two names that start with the letter P, hundreds in fact, and yet no one in the entire freakin' state can come up with a damn single one that isn't Tripp, Trig, or Track!? Seriously, for the love of Jesus!

While representatives for Todd Palin vehemently deny he cheated on his wife, allegations of his extramarital affair surfaced on Jan. 4 when an anonymous tipster sent out messages to news outlets making the allegation using the e-mail address thepalinmorals@hotmail.com.

"My sources reveal that a massage therapist and computer technologist, SHAILEY TRIPP, had an affair with Todd Palin that lead (sic) to her arrest March of 2010," claimed the anonymous e-mail.

"According to the tenants in the building of her offices, they saw Todd come and go often and heard noises that sounded like someone was having sex. It was the same tenants who called the police on her."

Hmmm, okay, so what we've got is an anonymous email citing anonymous second-hand sources who say they heard something that "sounded like sex," but could've actually been someone, anyone, say, one of the dozen other Palin clan members skinning and gutting the 600 lb mammal they just shot with a Remington from 10,000 ft in the sky.

Oh yeah and also proof that a massage therapist was giving free massages to someone on the Palin campaign, as well as proof that this same therapist was arrested for prostitution.

Sounds fishy. But more in a fresh Alaskan salmon sort of way, not rotting-dead-corpse-on-your-front-stoop courtesy of Rahm Emanuel kind of way.

The truth is, who really knows? Other than God, of course! The important thing is that either way, the real winner is everyone!

Because what the nation really needs is another news story featuring Sarah Palin. The poor woman simply doesn't get enough attention, especially with dead little nine-year-old girls in Tuscon, and Democratic congresswomen with bullets lodged in their brains hogging all the spotlight these days.

On the bright side, that Ca-ching! Ca-ching! sound you hear isn't the sound of obese radio God Rush Limbaugh making fun of the ridiculous way Chinese people, especially visiting Chinese presidents named Hu Jintao, speak.

Haha, not at all! It's simply the sound of all the cold hard c-c-c-c-ash Sarah Palin is about to rake in with her new bestseller: Goin' Rogue To The Divorce Lawyer: How To Turn Marital Moose Dung Into Delicious Moose Pie & Still Fit Into Your Snow Shoes While Sleigh Riding Your Way To Single Parent Prosperity All The Way From Wasilla To Washington!

America's First Daughter Bristol Teaches Us All Valuable Lessons About Evolution & How To Simulate Sex And Still Not Win A Dance Show

The country's, no make that the world's best Mother, Sarah Palin of the Snowy North, took a break from her grueling schedule updating very important status messages on her favoritest Facebook to give an interview to some lamestream media outlet, Zap2it, or something, to let the whole world know how proud she is of her daughter Bristol for shimmy-shaking what her mama gave her like some some cheap whore on that teevee show, Dancing With The Gays or whatever.

"We're so excited for Bristol," Sarah Palin tells Zap2it. "This is so Bristol, challenging herself, getting out of her comfort zone. She had told us just a couple of weeks before the show started, she said, 'Mom, "Dancing With The Stars" just called me and asked if I wanted to be on the show.' I said, 'What did you tell them?' 'I told them I'm not a star, and I don't dance. Sure, I'll join the show.'

Oh, hahahaha! What a coinkidink! Sort of like SarBear and the whole politics thing!

Aww, what the hell, you know Bristol, always ready to try anything once, even if it means a precious li'l miracle of God to screw up and give some weirdo name to, like say...Tripp?

"What she did, she loaded up her truck, and she drove it from Wasilla, Alaska, to Rodeo Drive [in Beverly Hills, Calif.], parked it there. She's in a little apartment there, she and Tripp [her son, born in Dec. 2008], and one of my good friends is helping her with Tripp."

Ooooh, wait let me guess! Is his name Levi Johnston/Ricky Hollywood??

"She's having a ball," says her mother. "What she said -- and it's kind of a life lesson for all of us, I think -- she said, 'Mom, no matter what I do, I'm going to get criticized, so I might as well go dance.' I'm like, 'Right on, go dance.' She's having a ball."

Sure as hell beats getting knocked up by some man-whore in the back of Daddy's pickup!

"Bristol loves [fellow competitor] Florence Henderson, and she says she relates to Florence more than anybody else."

Of course, she relates to the 76-year-old star of the Brady Bunch! They're both very wise for their ages and know exactly what it's like to grow up in a family the size of a small militia. Not to mention the wrenching pain of losing a beloved spouse/baby daddy one-night stand, respectively.

"But she has not one complaint about anybody." (Well, except for that one bitch, Audrina!) "Everything is positive, and she's just amazed how helpful and kind and gracious everybody is. It's been really good for her."

So would doing anything, even slutting herself out on the nearest street corner if it meant getting the hell out of Wasilla and away from a certain overBEARing Mama Grizz.

Bristol, who celebrated her 20th birthday by grinding, thrusting, and letting loose all her and Levi's secret sexytime moves for her 5th (and likely last!) steamy appearance on the show, was met with some decidedly mixed results, including from her own world famous grizzly bear mother.

"It's just fine," says Sarah Palin, "for never having danced at all, in her life."

But you betcha Bristy sure has banged!

Good thing, li'l sis Auntie Piper has some advice for her big sis Brist!

"As Piper was listening to Bristol explain to me," says Sarah, "how difficult the steps were -- because a lot of these dances, we had never heard the name of the dances, much less knowing the steps of them -- Piper said, 'I know how you can learn those steps -- just write them on the palm of your hand.'

"I'm like, 'That's exactly what I would do!' I told Bristol she should do that for one of the songs."

OMG totes! Then they can both be like special needs twins everyone laughs at for being so retarded resourceful as to scribble cheat sheets on the palm of their hand, in plain sight for all the world to see, en route to bein' the bestest, most freest president of America, ever!

But that's not all! Truth of the matter is Dancing with the Stars really wanted hot, hunky househubby Todd as their new, sexy Alaskan exploit but had to make do with dumb, boring ol' Bristol instead. Or something like that. Point is, Todd was totally asked to be on the show first!

Asked about that, Palin says, "I know, that's what I heard. That's what Todd has heard, too, through the rumor mill, that they called Todd. Didn't they call you, Todd?"

In the background, he answers in the affirmative. "Yeah, they called Todd. Oh ..." she pauses to listen, "they contacted the governor's mansion, the manager there, to try to get to Todd to ask him."

As she boards the flight, Palin hands the phone to her husband, who says, "It was a good thing that I declined, otherwise we wouldn't be watching Bristol today. Because, after my performance, they would ban any other Palins."

Ugh, God damn it! If only the same rules applied to our nation's democracy!

Though on the bright side, at least the American people don't have to be deprived of witnessing the nation's future First Daughter and celebrity warning against too much teenage monkey business in the tool shed sans protection, Bristol Palin, first don, then strip out of a monkey suit, and into a hot pink tutu, all the while dancin' the jive (poorly) on primetime TV, and still manage to come out looking less ridiculous than every other time she's made a public appearance. Ever.

Either way, Christine O'Donnell is just grateful someone finally demonstrated the whole evolution thing in a way she could understand: in rhythm, rhyme, and gorilla costume.

Evolution in 30 seconds. Boy, that Jesus sure can do anything!

Anger Bear Todd Palin Will Not Hesitate To Harrass You With Misspelled, Error-Ridden, Special Needs Emails Ordering You To Endorse President Palin

Contrary to popular opinion, it's not just Mama Grizzlies who bellow, roar, and seethe with white, hot anger when feeling even the slightest bit threatened by hunters, poachers, the lamestream media, or whatever dark, ominous forces are bothering the massive, predatory beasts now.

Cause Papa can play that game too!

And rest assured, Mama Grizzly's husband, Anger Bear Todd, won't hesitate to bite the freakin' head off of any dumb, hapless schmuck unlucky enough to cross his big, bad, error-ridden, grammatically incorrect path!

Don't believe me? HA! Try it. I dare you. Just look at the electronic beatdown Papa Bear unloaded on fellow scruffy bearded Alaskan Teabag Joe Miller, for having  the snowballs big enough to so much as even question whether wifey Sarah, the Sarah Palin, was "qualified" for the job of President of the Wasilla Moose Club, let alone the entire 50 states.

Is she qualified?? Is the Pope Catholic? The sky blue? C'mon, I mean, have you even seen all the effort she puts into writing rambling, incoherent Facebook posts? Or how about all the energy that goes into Tweeting 140-character bits of sage wisdom in the foreign language known as Dumblish?

Anger Bear & (soon-to-be) First Lady Todd to the rescue!

Can you believe the nerve of that bearded bastard Joe Miller?? St. Sarah spent all morning slaving away on a Facebook status update for someone she thought was a friend. And this is the thanks she gets? A tepid, half-assed, "It is not my role to comment" when asked whether former half-term governor, Republican vice presidential runner-up, and world famous social networker Sarah Palin would be a qualified pick for the presidential race in 2012.

Speaking on "Fox News Sunday," Miller, who has been backed by Palin in his Senate race, said that he is focused on his current campaign and that, “I am not going to get distracted by other candidates.” 

Oh yes you will, Joe! Yes you will, God damn it! When a superstar like Sarah endorses some silly nobody like you, you Joe Miller, are contractually, no make that Constitutionally bound to endorse that person for president, even if that person happens to be an unelectable, unemployed Arctic drifter with no real qualifications 'cept makin' as many precious li'l miracles of God and moose piles o' money as is humanly possible.

Clearly, a certain "Joe Miller" has no idea how hard it is to post a status update on Facebook!

But then again, perhaps Todd failed to think through his whole, "Put yourself in her shoe’s Joe for one day" argument, and not just because it makes no sense and is more special needs than li'l Trigger could ever be.

Besides, if Joe put himself in Sarah's $500 designer, RNC-funded f**k me pumps, he would probably wind up out of work and knocked up by Todd's special (needs) sperm too!

And that would just be gay and gross, wouldn't it, Todd? Who's with me??

I'll tell you who's not with you, other than that good-for-nothin' Joe Miller jerk, and that is, naturally, the lamestream media, who per usual, are really the ones to blame for this whole imagined email-gate scandal. Not including the other culprit called English grammar, of course!

But all's well that end's well, and what could be a better, more satisfying ending than another delicious, error-ridden, gibberish Tweet from the Grand Master Twat herself, Sarah Palin, to finally put to rest this whole media-concocted scandal about sweet Mama Grizz and her loyal Anger Bear Hubby Todd, in 140 presidentially-unqualified, mentally retarded-qualified characters or less.

Hmmm, not sure what the hell "There's no there, there" means, unless of course she's referring to something a caring parent or skilled hunter might say to comfort a sad child, newly dumped & pregnant teen, or suffering mammal they just shot, or whatever.

The point is if a Palin said it, it must be 100% based in facts and truth.

The sad part is that Tweet took 5 hours, 3 ghostwriters, a six pack of any brew (but treacherous Miller!), and no less than 50 grams of the finest crystal meth Wasilla has to offer.

The "Healthy Lifestyle" Of Mama Bear Sarah And Her Precious Lovebirds' Bristol & Levi's Drama-Free Sleigh Ride To The Altar

ARGHHHH, Help Bristol, Some Weird Thing Is Touching Me!!

Beloved Arctic heartthrobs Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston decided why the hell not give Us Weekly a little more of the gossipy good stuff, who in turn decided why the hell not place the BRISTOLing interview with the li'l lovebirds in their “Healthy Lifestyle” section of their site, because there is nothing healthier than unprotected, underage babymaking by two teenagers whose relationship consists of magazine covers and teevee interviews.

Us Weekly knows this! Trust me, you don't get to be the go-to rag of ironic teen hipsters with just a freakin' orange dwarf sextin' with John McCain alone!

Puh-lease! Haha, maybe if you wanna be Ok! (**Shudder!**).

Anyway, so Bristy gives Us the exclusive, juicy details about how her awful, ghastly beast of a mother (and now grandmother) Sarah Louise Palin "doesn't really approve" of her (fake) surprise engagement and reality $how auction to playboy gossip whore Levi Johnston and is "not 100 percent backing us up right now."

Oh, really you don't say! I thought Sar was positively swooning over the pending nuptials of her 19-year-old revenue booster's white wedding (in snow only--wink, wink!) to hung hockey hunk Levi Johnston. It totally seemed that way judging by her weird passive-aggressive statementy thing about “praying” for them, and alluding to "struggling with forgiveness" and other oddly decent human qualities. 

"She's apprehensive and concerned about this. She doesn't want to see me get hurt again," Bristol said.

Eh, hate to break it to ya toots, but it's more she doesn't want to see blabbermouth ex-loverboy's shoot their pieholes off to the lamestream media no more or she's gonna show them what else she can shoot, and it ain't spit!

"Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness to a degree most of us struggle to put in practice in our daily lives."

Ummm, we're actually all pretty much cool with it. But hey, you go ahead and keep telling yourself that, hon! Whatever makes it easier for you to wake up in the morning!

"She knew Levi and I had been talking, but she wanted to know if Levi was really sincere about this," says Bristol. "I told her we were working on our relationship for Tripp, and she told me, 'Actions speak louder than words.'

You betcha! But clichés come second, with tattoos a distant third.

"She's going to wait to see if he changes... But she's just glad he is getting on the right path. She knows how much Tripp means to me, and she wants Tripp to have a father figure."

Preferably, hanging stuffed on a wall in the home office!

Bristol said she was worried about telling her mother that she's engaged to Levi, a problem she obviously solved by spilling the beans on the cover of a popular celebrity trashloid instead.

“We got engaged two weeks ago. It felt right, even though we don’t have the approval of our parents.”

"Sarah and Todd Palin have not given their blessing to this wedding. In fact, Us Weekly asked Levi, ‘Did you ask for Bristol’s hand?’ and he said, ‘No. I know that if I had, Sarah and Todd would have said no.'"

Actually, Sarah would have said, not on your stinkin' life Mr. Ricky Hollywood, ya media whorin' no good slimy rat bastard! And Todd would have nodded and grunted ummm hmmm, lest he unleash "angry" Sarah upon his poor shattered soul and bruised 'n battered body.

But alas, tabloid-splattered love conquers all, even starry-eyed offspring of vicious, spurned Alaskan Shakespearean poetess's, whose living, breathing prose comes in 140 character (max) blasts of rogue flavored fun!

“I came home from work one day, and there was tons of flowers all over my room, and there’s flowers, like rose petals, in the shape of a heart on my bed,” Bristol said. “Then he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.”

Bristol didn’t even have to think about her response, “There was no hesitation at all.”

Now that's Mama's girl!

Act impulsively now, regret later!

 "What I've done is starting to sink in, and every family member of mine has some concerns -- and that is scaring me."

Not to mention the 500 collective shotguns between the six of 'em!

"My dad is on the same page as my mom: they don't want to see me get hurt. They don't want to see again what I already went through with Levi."

Good grief, girl! When are you going to understand it is not about you, it is about her? Always!

"People are more worried for me than excited for me."

I can't possibly imagine what on earth for??

Surely, not because of my long history of rash, bad decisions, inherent genetic defects, toxic Barracuda rearing, and burning, subconscious urges to show Mama Bear how a real mother neglects and damages their first born precious miracles of God (or drunken regret) by repeating a slightly tweaked version of mama's same mistakes.

Of course, it is not yet known whether the mother of the bride, Sarah Palin, will attend or if she is indeed the heartless, ice cold wretch of the snowy North we feared she was, whose big ego, selfish whims, and petty jealousy keep her away from this holy ceremony of matrimony, and leave her baby-makin' baby bride-to-be Bristol, a motherless cub with nothing but a white Carolina Herrera gown to comfort her on her most blissful wedding day?

But either way, the Bristol-Levi wedding bash is gonna be the hottest thing to hit Alaska since like...ever, or at least since God pointed his finger at that sacred spot so many years ago and went kablooey!

“It’s going to be the wedding of the century in Alaska. Our version of Princess Diana and Prince Charles’ wedding,” a Palin family friend told Us Weekly. “Everyone would kill to get an invite even if it means having to buy them an expensive gift. It’s just too bad that her mother has refused to attend. Although I can’t say I blame her after everything that boy has put her through.”

Sniffle, I get teary-eyed just thinking about it! Like how it feels just terrible to get sold out by loved ones for a little money and fame. Like they always say, nothing heals a broken heart quite like petty revenge, or was it time?

But whatever, nothing a pricey wedding gift can't solve, since everyone knows gifts are the most important part about entering into a sacred union with another person for the rest of your life. Duh!

But wait, what's this we hear about First Dude Todd's going rogue??

“With or without Sarah, Todd will be walking his daughter down the aisle,” the family friend said. “He has been looking forward to this day ever since Bristol was a little girl and wouldn’t miss it for anything or anyone.”

Aww, how sweet! Todd is going to put on his galoshes, grab his sled, and mush her to the alter! Will go perfectly with li'l Tripp and Levi's matching camo vests!

Too bad Sarah will likely lay a moose egg over Todd's li'l fatherly sleigh ride to the alter, and probably tweet her divorce to him later that day.

“It just feels right to be a family,” Bristol said. Err, or at least until next week's issue hits the stands and all hell breaks loose.

The famousest First Family of the Final Frontier's foremost frozen meth lab, and abandoned soul-crushing spawn place of Sarah, the one and only, wondrous Wasilla!

Even if its star attraction, Mama grizzly can't make it.

She'll simply adore his wicked, new R&B ballad "After Love" and its accompanying sexy new music video about a...wait for it..."loony interfering mom," of all things!

In conceiving the video, director Evan Winter admitted that he "riffed off [Johnston's] real-life situation." It shows a couple sharing "tender moments before they are driven apart by the young woman’s mother," the Associated Press reports. "Unaware that her mom’s interference forced her boyfriend to go, she throws herself into her mother’s arms. She tells her mother that she was wrong about Levi."

OMG, looks like Levi's joined wifey Bristol as America's other most prominent young actor. Guess she's not the only one with the acting chops and talent to make it as a real, live teevee star around here!

It's like Mama P always said, the show must go on!

And a sweet, well-mannered boy like Levi Johnston would never disappoint the ol' ma-in-law.

Which means, Sarah darling's gonna have to wait another two years (uh, how long those term thingys last again?) 'til she's (finally!) President and can have that darn boy killed already, and all traces of his existence destroyed!

Ooooh, looks like someone just thought of the perfect (surprise) anniversary gift, to boot!

Rarrrrrr! Asia's Computer-Animated Vision Of Mud Wrestling, Pole Dancing, Dope Smoking, Lara Croft Version Of 2012 Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin

It's always refreshingly eye-opening to see how other cultures view America's various power-hungry demagogues and fraudulent national celebrities embarrassments, especially when that culture happens to be of the Asian variety, where every last one of us will likely be employed as factory workers in the near future,  making cheap, poorly constructed products to sell en masse to the Chinese or Japanese or Taiwanese or any other place ending in ese.

In this case, it is a lovely computer animation video from what is believed to be Taiwan (we can't read Asian characters anyway, so we'll just take their word for it), showing America's Arctic pride and joy Sarah Palin as she explores her potential 2012 presidential run.

And much as you would expect our favoritest Alaskan drifter version of Shakespeare to be portrayed, the computer animation artists over in Taiwan depict beloved 46-year-old Grandma and Master of Mama Bears the world over, Sarah Palin, as a bikini-clad teenage mud wrestler who seems perpetually confused as she goes about her daily activities of gunning down innocent four-legged creatures from planes, coining new and poetic words for the English language, dancing around a stripper pole campaign funds, parachuting into Teabagger rallies, smoking phat doobies with First Dude Todd while the rest of the Palin clan fight, make babies, and fire machine guns into the air while chillaxin' on their front porch in Wasilla, as our lovely hero winks her way into the White House.

See, even the Chinese/Taiwanese/Japanese can't help but mock her long time!

Guess we're not so different after all!

Except of course when it comes to making hilarious (and spot on!) computer generated Sarah Palin videos for YouTube. Then, they pretty much kick our hefty Big Mac padded behinds. In other words, go positively Palin on us!

Are America's Fave Alaskan Ice Duo Going The Way Of Levi And Bristol?

With Sarah Palin now gone as Empress of Alaska and all the boring talk about healthcare and racist, beer drinking cops throwing a few back with the President, August has certainly lived up to its reputation as the painfully slow news month when the media will listen to any kook and nutjob who says Barry is an ILLEGAL just to have something to fill their 24-hour news cycle.

Not anymore, because it looks like the Palin Family Circus is once again stepping up to the plate. Yeah!

But is the heart-wrenching rumor that America's favorite couple from the snowy north is getting a divorce true or just another evil liberal media concoction designed to hurt sweet Sarah and her loving family? So hard to tell...

Sarah of course has taken to the non-mainstream media outlet The Facebook to denounce the nasty divorce rumors on her spokeswoman Meg's page as pure fiction and just another example of mean-spirited journalists makin' things up again.

Let's take a look at the evidence.

AlaskaReport.com--which was also the first website to report the joyous news that Sarah Palin was running for governor of Alaska and was picked as John McCain's VP candidate--is citing "multiple sources" (including a former Palin staffer) that the Palin's are heading to splitsville. Gasp!

According to the report, the Palins were noticeably not speaking to each other for most of Sarah's farewell speech and weenie roast in Alaska last week. As if that weren't proof enough, after swearing in the new governor, Sarah ditched former first-dude Todd and made a quick getaway with Piper and son Trigg sans the hunky hubby, who was left to fend for his manly self.

Sarah also apparently removed her wedding ring a couple weeks ago and recently purchased land in Montana even though she is originally from Idaho. Is Sarah considering moving her family from wondrous Alaska to the sinful lower forty-eights?

Todd Palin also told Fox News last week that he was heading back to his job in the oil fields of Alaska, but after recently signing a book deal worth $11 million, you betcha' you won't find Miss hoity-toity slumming around oil rigs anymore. Leave that ne'er-do-well baby daddies like that scuzz bucket Levi Johnston.

As for the National Enquirer story exposing previous affairs on both sides as the reason behind the deterioration of their marriage and the stress from this leading to Palin's shocking resignation as governor of Alaska last week, I couldn't say. The Enquirer isn't exactly the Anchorage Times.

But in all fairness, it makes a hell of a lot more sense than quitting in order to serve. Certainly more than that rambling, incoherent resignation speech about basketball, the media, God, and how only dead fish go with the flow.

Don't Worry Todd: You Can Always Hug Your Sarah Cabbage Patch Kid!

Sarah Palin's Not-At-All-Sketchy Decision To Abandon Alaska

The Fourth of July is supposed to be all about patriotic celebration, with plenty of food, family, fun and fireworks. But nooooooo. Alaskan floozy Sarah Palin had to go and ruin it for everyone by announcing she is quitting her illustrious non-job as governor of our beloved 49th state. She must really hate America to drop a bomb like this on our Independence Day, of all times! For shame, Sarah! Have you no decency?

But what's behind our fair ice queen's rash decision to quit being governor of the frozen tundra and Russian buffer of Alaska THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS before the next presidential election? Certainly her decision was based on more than just sheer lunacy, right?

Hmmm, let's take a look:

• Is Mama Bear Palin's getting ready to welcome another little cub into the mix? One that she can give a bizarre name to, parade around town, and then spend the rest of her days trying to tear the heart out of anyone who dares utter a word about her sweet little miracle of God? Let's just hope this one doesn't end up like Bristol...

• Sarah Palin's brother knows the real reason why lovely sister Sarah called it quits. She was sick and tired of spending "80 percent of her time defending herself" from the evil Media. Which must mean she didn't feel like shrieking at late-night comedians and mean-spirited photoshopping bloggers for wanting daughter Willow raped and special-needs baby Trig murdered, respectively. Screaming for weeks at a time can be so exhausting!

• Perhaps some sort of BIG, about-to-break scandal has sent Sarah suddenly packing? Something nice and juicy involving Sarah and her snow-mobiling, secessionist husband Todd steering lucrative state contracts to a well-connected company, Spenard Building Supplies, in exchange for innocent thank you's like their kick-ass home on pristine Lake Lucille in 2002? Not our sweet Sarah. That Alaskan maverick is gonna clean up ol' Washington once and for all! You betcha' she is!

• Nasty Neocon God Charles Krauthammer told Fox News that Palin is not a serious candidate for Republicans because she's dumber than rocks and any real GOP contender has to actually understand the issues and stop speaking in cliches and platitudes because it just plain looks bad. No foolin' neither!

• Could it be that Sarah's out of the game? Gasp! According to this nasty rumor, Sarah Palin is not running for anything, ever, and that she’s “out of politics for good." Uh-oh. Did Papa Krauthammer push delicate Sarah's last buttons? Or maybe she finally got the hint?? Eh, probably not.

I say the best guess from Palin's "rambling and sometimes confusing" resignation speech is pretty much no one knows what the hell she's doing, least of all the woman herself. She'll finish her book, go promote it in the "lower 48" aka fake America hell, spend time with her (growing?) family, give paid speeches, fundraise for the GOP, talk with folks, and who knows, maybe even consider a national run. Or just a regular one around the old Wasilla jogging trail. Hell, maybe she'll just go back to school. Didn't really stick the first time around.