Sorry Gays, Virginia Is For Lovers, Not Sinners!

Renowned lover of Jesus and keeping women out of the workplace and in the kitchen where they belong, Virginia Governor Robert "Bob" McDonnell has decided to continue Christ's gospel of love, compassion, and equality by removing discrimination protections for gay and lesbian state workers in Virginia, apparently the state for deity-approved lovers only.

Rescinding the previous rainbow-tinted Democratic Gov. Tim Kaine's 'fair and inclusive' non-discrimination policy, which had been in place for four long, homo-lovin' years, Republican Bob McDonnell's new, slightly tweaked executive order prohibits discrimination "on the basis of race, sex, color, national origin, religion, age, political affiliation, or against otherwise qualified persons with disabilities, including veterans."

(Not so) subtly omitted from his list of prohibited discrimination practices is, of course, sexual orientation, because gays and lesbians are so universally beloved and revered, they don't need any extra protections in place. Especially in such an enlightened and progressive place as Republican-controlled Virginia.

Besides, a measure protecting gay and lesbian state workers from discrimination already passed the Democratic-controlled state Senate. Sure, it's all-but-certain to fail in the Republican-controlled House, but seriously how far do we need to go to accommodate these people? What makes them so God damn special? Next thing you know they'll be demanding to be treated like everyone else or something ridiculous like that.

All McDonnell's trying to do is keep the playing field evenly balanced. You know how rough life can be for heterosexuals in general, let alone in the former capital of the confederacy. No need to give those homos any more of an upper hand than they already have.

Not surprisingly, there are some people, namely the gays and those pesky liberal equality freaks, who are not at all pleased with McDonnell's decision to rollback gay rights as casually as Wal-mart rolls back prices.

Gay rights groups panned McDonnell's decision, calling the move a "sad" development that strips state workers of protections that they had under the last administration. Boohoo!

Former governor Tim Kaine's spokesman Hari Sevugan said McDonnell should be "ashamed" for the new policy, blasting the governor for pandering to the radical right's fear-mongering, hysteria, and demonization of homosexuality for their own political gain.

It says a lot about the Republican party that they would anoint as their 'rising star' someone who in 2010 is actually stripping away from Americans legal protections against discrimination. Bob McDonnell is proving his critics right. He said he'd focus on creating jobs, not social issues. But, one of his first acts as Governor was to make it easier for a fellow citizen to be denied a job and he did so as an adherent to a right-wing ideology that allows for such discriminatory behavior. McDonnell's decision is just plain wrong in any context, but especially so in this economic climate.

Whatever do you mean?

Gays and lesbians are already thisclose to taking over our Armed Forces, threatening the cohesion of our troops with their deviant lifestyles, freshly pressed uniforms and love of ensemble musicals.

The last thing the state of Virginia needs in these tough times is a bunch of fabulously dressed, half-naked homos sashaying through the streets of downtown Richmond atop bright, rainbow-colored pride floats blaring disco music and Barbara Streisand, as if the end of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" means the start of "Please Share, We Want To Know."

This is 2010 Virginia, God damn it, and Bob McDonnell intends to keep it that way!

You want Gomorrah 3123 B.C.? Head 345.9 miles northeast and follow the signs to New York City.

Sarah Palin's Much-Anticipated Assault On Literature Slated For November

Rejoice America! The release date for Sarah Palin's much-anticipated new "book" has been moved up from spring 2010 to Nov. 17 because the world simply cannot wait one another second to devour all 400 wisdom-filled pages from Alaska's sexiest import.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of Sarah Palin and her loyal ghostwriter Lynn Vincent, the dynamic duo were able to complete the former governor's new memoir "Going Rogue: An American Life" just four months after the book deal was announced. You betcha!

"Governor Palin has been unbelievably conscientious and hands-on at every stage, investing herself deeply and passionately in this project," said Jonathan Burnham, publisher of Harper. "It's her words, her life, and it's all there in full and fascinating detail."

Well, almost her words. Never mind the fact that not a single page was written by the lovely Miss Palin, but rather by former Navy air-traffic controller and renowned ghostwriter Lynn Vincent of "Donkey Cons: Sex, Crime, and Corruption in the Democratic Party" fame. But then again, a book with nothing but pigs wearing lipstick illustrations interspersed with various truncated action verbs (runnin'/playin'/huntin') to describe a certain maverick superstar from the snowy north with some of the most bad-ass winking skills this side of the Arctic, doesn't exactly sound like an award-winner.

For those of you who were in a coma, on the bridge to nowhere, or living outside the metropolis of Wasilla during the presidential elections, the term "going rogue" is more than just the ingeniously witty title of Sarah's new literary abomination.

It also of course refers to the criticism some McCain adviser used to describe Palin's erratic and potentially destructive behavior during the end of the 2008 campaign when she did whatever she could to seal the old man's fate as a perennial presidential loser--while still advancing her own (political?) career as the maverick reformer who quit governing Alaska to join Facebook full-time.

So, while Sarah's juicy, soon-to-be-released memoir (do I smell Pulitzer?) may be soaring up the bestseller lists, (holding the No. 3 spot on Amazon just behind Glenn Beck's "Arguing with Idiots: How to Stop Small Minds and Big Government") and worth every penny of the $7 million advance she pocketed, her success on the lecture circuit hasn't exactly fared as well.

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/28/sarah-palin-memoir-going-_n_302246.html

Aside from the hefty $100,000 fee this small-town values gal from Wasilla demands, many of the major venues are taking a pass on Miss Palin.

"The big lecture buyers in the US are paralyzed with fear about booking her, basically because they think she is a blithering idiot."

"Palin is so uninteresting to so many groups -- unless they are interested in moose hunting," one industry expert explained. "What does she have to say? She can't even describe what she reads."

That's okay. Thanks to her 432-page war on the written word, we can't either.

President Obama Offers To Guide Gov. David Paterson Out The Door

Ummm, this is gonna be awkward. No one likes being the bearer of bad news--especially when it involves telling a black, legally-blind Democratic friend to kindly withdraw from New York's governor's race on the basis of being less popular than swine flu and Eliot Spitzer combined. Quite a feat!

It is highly unusual for a sitting president to request a member of his own party (and own race!) step aside, but then again it is also highly unusual to replace one prostitute-scandalized governor with another even less competent version of the first, complete with some hot sexual indiscretions of his own. Drug confessions too!

"Is there concern about the situation in New York? Absolutely," an Obama official told the New York Times. "Has that concern been conveyed to the governor? Yes."

Does said governor give a sh*t what a racist like President Obama wants? Ha ha, not even a little bit.

"The message the White House wanted to send — that it wants Paterson to step aside — was delivered," said one Democratic operative. "He is resistant."

"I've said time and time again I am going to run for governor next year," Paterson explained. "My plans have not changed."

Apparently Gov. David Paterson's blindness is not limited to vision alone, but even worse, also to the fact that for the Democrats, he's pretty much equivalent to political cancer.

And last I checked (unlike a certain commander-in-chief), cancer doesn't care what color your skin is. It's more of an-equal opportunity poison. Very PC.

Robert McDonnell Loves Jesus (Except When He Has An Election To Win)

Once upon a time there was a man named Robert F. "Bob" McDonnell who had hopes and dreams of leaving behind that boring state Attorney General job for a nice cushy gig as the shining new Republican governor of Virginia come this November's elections.

All he has to do is once again take care of that Democratic-thorn-in-his-side Creigh Deeds just like he did in the 2005 Attorney General race when he won by a whopping 323 votes. Talk about landslides!

But then the unexpected happened. One of those liberal, elitist, hoity-toity newspapers like the Washington Post started poking its nose around Mr. McDonnell and lo and behold dug up a few skeletons from the nice, God-fearing man's closet.

This pile o' bones coming in the form of a 93-page master's thesis written by a one Robert McDonnell when he was a wee 34-year-old evangelical grad student at Regent University, formerly named CBN University in honor of its founder Pat Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network.

"The 93-page document, which is publicly available at the Regent University library, culminates with a 15-point action plan that McDonnell said the Republican Party should follow to protect American families -- a vision that he started to put into action soon after he was elected to the Virginia House of Delegates."

Oooh, visions are always fun! Especially when they involve such enlightened ideas as working women and feminists (lesbos?) being "detrimental" to the family, why government policy should favor married couples over "cohabitators, homosexuals or fornicators," and how a 1972 Supreme Court decision legalizing the use of contraception by unmarried couples is "illogical."

Sure, during his 14 years in the Virginia General Assembly, McDonnell pursued at least 10 of the policy goals he described in that research paper, like abortion restrictions, covenant marriage (which is like a normal marriage, 'cept for crazy evangelicals), redefining child abuse to "exclude parental spanking," criticizing federal tax credits for child care expenditures because they encouraged women to enter the workforce, even voting against a resolution in support of ending wage discrimination between men and women in 2001. He's just that kind of guy! Oh, and don't even get him started on the plague of homosinuality...

Which is why it's interesting to note that in his current run for governor, the now 55-year old Christian crusader and governor hopeful McDonnell makes convenient little mention of his youthful conservative manifesto from his wild days affirming Jesus Christ as his savior at Regent.

"Virginians will judge me on my 18-year record as a legislator and Attorney General and the specific plans I have laid out for our future -- not on a decades-old academic paper I wrote as a student during the Reagan era and haven't thought about in years."

McDonnell added: "Like everybody, my views on many issues have changed as I have gotten older." What he wrote in the thesis "was simply an academic exercise and clearly does not reflect my views."

Clearly. Just like the legislation he co-sponsored opposing abortion in cases of rape or incest doesn't mean he's a dick. Or saying homosexual activity raises questions about a person's qualifications to be a judge or hold other jobs doesn't make him an asshole.

So why is God's favorite gubernatorial candidate "playing down his conservatism" as some like Delegate Robert G. Marshall contend?

"If you duck something, that tells your opponents that you think your position is a liability," said Marshall, who is still backing McDonnell. "Why else wouldn't you acknowledge it?...He doesn't have to bash people in the head with it. But he doesn't have to put it in the closet, either. There's a balance you can take."

Ha ha. Balance?? Not when it's your sins Jesus Christ was nailed to the cross and died for!

Alaskans Face The Harsh Reality Of Life Without Princess Sarah

Oh no, the dreaded day has finally arrived! That fateful day when Sarah Palin bid farewell to absolute power in the snowy north and hello to marginal celebrity in the sinful lowers.

So with the lovely Miss Palin out, who exactly is moving in to her animal-carcass filled natural history museum of an office?

None other than former Lt. Gov. and initial-sharing twin Sean Parnell! But what does America know about their new Alaskan freedom-fighter? More importantly, what does America need to know about a one Sean Parnell?

Not much beyond his proud service in Alaska's House and Senate, dedicated work lobbying on behalf of Exxon Mobil in the Valdez oil-spill lawsuit (oops!), his loyal support of Sarah's mutinous gubernatorial bid in 2006 (before she was an international superstar), and his love of running, skiing, reading and fly fishing.

Unlike that other, lipstick-wearing S.P. who ruled Alaska with grace and charm before abandoning the state for grander ambitions in temperate, treacherous America, Sean Parnell will never quit. Or do anything exciting and fun like give interviews while turkeys are murdered in the background, shoot wolves from the sky, and go on abstinence tours with their underage knocked-up daughter. His are in their teens already and not even pregnant. This guy's so lame!

Sarah Palin's Not-At-All-Sketchy Decision To Abandon Alaska

The Fourth of July is supposed to be all about patriotic celebration, with plenty of food, family, fun and fireworks. But nooooooo. Alaskan floozy Sarah Palin had to go and ruin it for everyone by announcing she is quitting her illustrious non-job as governor of our beloved 49th state. She must really hate America to drop a bomb like this on our Independence Day, of all times! For shame, Sarah! Have you no decency?

But what's behind our fair ice queen's rash decision to quit being governor of the frozen tundra and Russian buffer of Alaska THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS before the next presidential election? Certainly her decision was based on more than just sheer lunacy, right?

Hmmm, let's take a look:

• Is Mama Bear Palin's getting ready to welcome another little cub into the mix? One that she can give a bizarre name to, parade around town, and then spend the rest of her days trying to tear the heart out of anyone who dares utter a word about her sweet little miracle of God? Let's just hope this one doesn't end up like Bristol...

• Sarah Palin's brother knows the real reason why lovely sister Sarah called it quits. She was sick and tired of spending "80 percent of her time defending herself" from the evil Media. Which must mean she didn't feel like shrieking at late-night comedians and mean-spirited photoshopping bloggers for wanting daughter Willow raped and special-needs baby Trig murdered, respectively. Screaming for weeks at a time can be so exhausting!

• Perhaps some sort of BIG, about-to-break scandal has sent Sarah suddenly packing? Something nice and juicy involving Sarah and her snow-mobiling, secessionist husband Todd steering lucrative state contracts to a well-connected company, Spenard Building Supplies, in exchange for innocent thank you's like their kick-ass home on pristine Lake Lucille in 2002? Not our sweet Sarah. That Alaskan maverick is gonna clean up ol' Washington once and for all! You betcha' she is!

• Nasty Neocon God Charles Krauthammer told Fox News that Palin is not a serious candidate for Republicans because she's dumber than rocks and any real GOP contender has to actually understand the issues and stop speaking in cliches and platitudes because it just plain looks bad. No foolin' neither!

• Could it be that Sarah's out of the game? Gasp! According to this nasty rumor, Sarah Palin is not running for anything, ever, and that she’s “out of politics for good." Uh-oh. Did Papa Krauthammer push delicate Sarah's last buttons? Or maybe she finally got the hint?? Eh, probably not.

I say the best guess from Palin's "rambling and sometimes confusing" resignation speech is pretty much no one knows what the hell she's doing, least of all the woman herself. She'll finish her book, go promote it in the "lower 48" aka fake America hell, spend time with her (growing?) family, give paid speeches, fundraise for the GOP, talk with folks, and who knows, maybe even consider a national run. Or just a regular one around the old Wasilla jogging trail. Hell, maybe she'll just go back to school. Didn't really stick the first time around.

Bye, Bye Blago! IL Gov. Arrested For Being Even Slimier Than We Thought

The Esteemed Gov. Rod Blagojevich Of Illinois

Well, Blago. It was really only a matter of time until you got caught. Everyone knew you were a corrupt, slimy politician--and a terrible governor. What we didn't know was exactly how scummy you were. Now we do.

And now we can hate you not just for your douchebag hair style or your weird love of Elvis Presley, or cause your name is Rod, but because you've literally tried every trickster politician move in the book, only to finally get caught trying to auction off Obama's vacant senate seat to the highest bidder.

So, congratulations, Mr. Rod Blagojevich, you've officially joined the esteemed ranks of corrupt Chicago politicians willing to sell their soul (even their beloved Cubs!) to anyone, so long as the price is right and the getting is good.

We're so proud we can add a Democrat to the list of former Illinois governors rotting in jail due to a combination of incredible hubris and stupidity. Please do say hi to George Ryan for us, and be sure to listen to his advice.

Ryan may be a Republican, but I am sure he has some nice tips on everything from how to keep your spirits up to the best way to sneak hair gel past the prison guards.

What, you thought Blago's fluffy, is-that-a-toupee look was au natural? Ha ha silly people!

When are you gonna learn? Nothing about the man is real.