OMG! New Leaked Sarah Palin Tell-All Reveals Sarah Palin Is Not Only A Terrible Person, But A Terrible Email Writer Too!

"A leaked manuscript by one of Sarah Palin's closest aides from her time as governor charges that Palin broke state election law in her 2006 gubernatorial campaign and was consumed by petty grievances up until she resigned."

What, what, what!?!? Petty grievances?? Nah, doesn't sound a bit like her. Not our Sarah Palin! No, no, must be a mistake. Must be the other incompetent, dim-witted, half-term governor of another remote, unpopulated frozen Northern wasteland in the middle of nowhere, they're thinking of!

Besides, who's responsible for this blasphemy, anyway? The lamestream media elites? Evil, arugula-eating, liberal journylists? Levi Johnston? The Muslim Brotherhood? Blood-libelin' Jews? Wisconsin Governor of Busting Up Worker's Unions, Scott Walker? I want names here, people!

The 465-page, tell-all manuscript is titled, In Blind Allegiance to Sarah Palin: A Memoir of our Tumultuous Years and is written by former Palin confidante Frank Bailey.

Bailey is a former Alaska Airlines supervisor who started off painting Sarah Palin's gubernatorial campaign offices as a volunteer in 2005, joined Palin’s campaign team at the beginning of her successful run for governor in 2006, and left as a top aide in 2009. He writes in the manuscript how he was charmed and inspired by Palin.

Translation: “Alaska Airlines supervisor” = instantly the most qualified person to run the executive branch of Sarah Palin's state government. "Charmed and inspired by Palin" = she gave him a boner, thus he was hoping to have sex with her.

Anyway, so this guy Bailey was once inspired by, loyal to, and probably in love with Palin, based on a quick perusal of the material and most middle aged male superfans who devote their entire professional life to serving Sarah, but now hates her no-good guts, and will do whatever it takes to expose as the arctic hillbilly grifter fraud she really is, while also hopefully making a few moose piles of money along the way, as would make his one-time Mama Grizzly mentor proud.

Bailey says the book was written with the help of more than 60,000 e-mails exchanged while working for Palin, like the one he received right before she abruptly resigned as Alaska's governor in July 2009, less than three years into her four-year term, saying, "I hate this damn job."

Hell, if she didn't like that job, she must be simply thrilled she will never be president. Rumor has it that one's even harder!

But until then, I suppose, we'll just have to make do with the beautiful poetry composed all by her brilliant self on the Internets.

ridiculous... paying for the damn McCain campaign's attorneys to vet me!!! Unflippinbelievable. The campaign was so disingenuous, who in the heck has to pay for themselves to be vetted when they didn't ask for it??? I didn't hire any attorney- they did! They ran up a bill and left me with it- just like they did with the damn clothes issue. Paying out of my family's pocket for the Flippin' privileged of jumping on the pirate ship headed up by Schmidt, Nicole, et al? I am so upside down in all this- paying off a ridiculous debt I owe for the privilege of campaigning with a bunch of rich, connected people who have no burden after the campaign ends- they left the burden (in more ways than one) to us. This aspect of it is unheard of- the campaign folks lied. They have $ left over in different campaign accounts, but we're stuck with their bill and a lot of embarrassment. This is an unbelievable chapter in a book.

Sarah Palin: Tuesday, 21 Apr 2009

(Note: the McCain Campaign later revealed that this was not a vetting expense, but a legal bill associated with defending Sarah Palin against ethics charges in her dismissal of Public Safety Commissioner Walt Monegan in a scandal that became known as Troopergate).

Ah yes, an unbelievable chapter! One which we cannot wait to get our hands on, once her ghostwriting team is done makin' stuff up, bindin' it together, and slappin' on a cover of her wrapped in an America flag, shooting a moose dead, all while keepin' a winkin' eye on Russia, from the snow-covered safety of her porch in Wasilla.

But what other new, amazing things do we, the American people, have the privilege of learning about St. Sarah, through the first 41-pages of Bailey's book, other than "Unflippinbelievable" is the word her Arctic highness most frequently uses in private communications with her staff?

“Sarah Palin had God’s blessing and people’s love and faith,” he wrote.

Yes, yes, of course! But aside from this whole “Mandate of Heaven” thing. Like how ol' SarBear had a lesser-known dark side, "including the compulsion to attack enemies, deny truth, play victim and employ outright deception."

Shut the front door!

"Minor slights became obsessions, demanding revenge and if possible, destruction of the opponent's reputation. We set our sights and went after opponents in coordinated attacks, utilizing what we called 'Fox News surrogates,' friendly blogs, ghost-written op-eds, media opinion polls (that we often rigged), letters to editors, and carefully edited speeches," Bailey wrote.

Which she then brilliantly re-scribbled on the palm of her hand, just in case!

Bailey also claims to have been a close confidant to Palin’s husband, Todd, and writes that the two worked together to orchestrate "Troopergate," a scandal involving the effort to get Palin's ex-brother-in-law fired from his job as a state trooper.

And then likely fired from his existence as an oxygen breathing, carbon-based being residing in the Kingdom of God, if we know SarBear like we think we do.

Yawn.

In his book, Bailey alleges that Palin violated election law by using money from the Republican Governors Association (RGA) to fund her campaign commercials and appointing a dude to the Alaska Supreme Court pretty much because he totally screwed over her ex-brother-in-law in a custody hearing.

"She had, I suddenly believed, broken the law."

And with that, the nation's heart.

Oooh, I can't for her to one day become president, so she can appoint a man to the Supreme Court of the United States, solely for voting the most times for Bristol Palin's breathtaking, star-making performance doing the jive in a gorilla costume on Dancing With The Stars.

Bailey wrote that Palin turned on the anti-abortion group's Alaska Family Council head, Jim Minnery, and later backed out of an event with him to promote a ballot measure aimed at making it illegal for teens to get an abortion because she was too busy working on her book.

"When Sarah turned on Jim Minnery and their cause, for the sole purposes of making money and causing him embarrassment, I saw how blind I'd become. Finally, Sarah Louise Palin's petty ways and butchered priorities would set me free," Bailey wrote.

Too bad the same cannot be said about the thousands of butchered animal carcasses or hapless teenagers desperate to be set free from carrying their own unwanted precious li'l miracles of God, drunken regret with Levi Johnston, forced penetration, or whatever the case may be.

Either way, the moral of the story is always protect your (in)boxes, ladies! Lest anything unwanted come popping out, be it baby or badly spelled, grammatically incorrect, unflippinbelievably embarrassing, special needs emails.

You betcha!

Wanna One Day Become Awesome President Like George W. Bush, Too? Just Quit Boozin' & Stop Askin' Weird Sex Questions!

The heavy burden of being President of the world is brilliantly revealed in the pop-up children's book, Crazy S**t I Did While Fightin' For Freedom, also known as, Decision Points, George W. Bush's new word-filled memoir reminding the nation how lucky we are that he dropped his little drinking habit to fulfill his destiny as the bestest, most Constitution-lovingest, longest serving president thus far in the 21st Century.

Hooray!

And thank heavens for that, because can you even begin to imagine what the first decade of the 2000s would be like without George W. Bush steady at the helm??

Good thing you don't have to, because our beloved national leader managed to kick his fun, Texas-sized booze habit, but not before doing plenty of dumb, crazy stuff while still a fallen down drunken mess, like racking up DUI tickets and embarrassing his upstanding parents' high society friends with bizarre sex questions.

Apparently alcohol and "wise-asses" don't mix:

"So I’m drunk at the dinner table at Mother and Dad’s house in Maine. And my brothers and sister are there, Laura’s there. And I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman, friend of Mother and Dad’s," says Bush. "And I said to her out loud, 'What is sex like after 50?'"

After that, one could hear a pin drop. It was “total silence,” says Bush. ” And not only silence, but like serious daggers” from my mom and my wife.

"I was a wiseass, and I would do stupid things, and alcohol had control over me. The interesting thing-- I end the anecdote with the woman writing me a letter on my 50th birthday, when I was governor of Texas, "Dear Governor: Well, what's the answer?"

Ha ha, and now when he asks that same question, it is Laura who won't answer!

So umm, thanks George and a hearty congratulations on your longtime sobriety. Too bad the rest of America has developed a serious drinking problem as a result, but hey, anything for a friend!

Oooooh, what other exciting juicy li'l tidbits does ol' cowboy George reveal on his current "Say Outrageous Things To Get People To Buy My Dumb Book Nobody Would Read Otherwise" tour?

Oh yeah, he hates abortion because this one time his mama Babs had a miscarriage when he was a teenager and liked to parade around her dead offspring in a jar.

"She said to her teenage kid, 'Here's the fetus,' " the shockingly candid Bush told NBC's Matt Lauer, gesturing as if he were holding the jar during the TV chat.

"I never expected to see the remains of the fetus, which she had saved in a jar to bring to the hospital," Bush writes in his new book, "Decision Points," in an excerpt Lauer read during the interview.

"There was a human life, a little brother or sister," Bush told the "Today" host during the sit-down to promote his tome, which hits stores tomorrow. “There’s no question that affected me, a philosophy that we should respect life.”

But only if it's a miscarried zygote in a jar. Once it's born? Eh, screw it! Junior's on his own!

But “the purpose of the story wasn’t to try show the evolution of a pro-life point of view,” Bush insisted to Lauer.

It was to show the evolution of a disturbed, f**ked-up childhood? To scare the kiddies on Halloween? Show the world no one puts baby in a jar? Enlighten us good sir, please!

"It was really to show how my mom and I developed a relationship."

Oh sweet suffering Jesus, we're guessin' that must've been the smart and talented one.

Just imagine what could have been if only it was a dead Iraqi child his mother carried around in a Mason jar!

Maybe he would have never stopped tossing back bottles of Jack and gotten himself together enough for the Supreme Court to install him as Supreme Leader of America. And then maybe he would never have been able to shock and awe all those Iraqi women and children by spreading beautiful freedom (and smart bombs) all across the parched desert land.

But either way, a born again Bush is certainly a hell of a lot better than a dead again Dick Cheney, since Bush still has a good enough sense of humor to privately mock Arctic Hurricane Sarah Palin, and enough decency (not to mention, an actual human heart) to keep quiet about President Obama.

"I don't think it's good for a former president to be out there opining on every darned issue," George W. Bush told Oprah Winfrey. "He's got a plenty tough job. Trust me. And there's gonna be plenty of critics, and he doesn't need me criticizing him. And I don't think it's good for the presidency. Other people have a different point of view."

Like a certain pulseless monster vice president with two DD Duracell batteries for a heart, and a hobby of shooting his best friends in the face before demanding an apology for all the inconvenience of your big stupid face getting in the way of his perfect, Christ-blessed bullet.

And since Bush is "through with politics," he doesn't want to predict what might happen in 2012, either.

When asked about the possibility of Sarah Palin’s 2012 presidential bid, Bush deflected the question, saying "I am not a political pundit ... I'm really not."

"And secondly, a lot is gonna happen between now and the nominating process. I — I have no clue."

Winfrey pressed him, saying she didn’t need punditry."I'm just asking you your opinion," she said.

But Bush wasn't biting: "You're asking me to wade back into the swamp."

"Come on in," Winfrey responded. "Come on in."

Hehehe, don't be silly Oprah! Don't ya know, W doesn't do the whole colored thing! What, didn't Katrina teach you anything?? Just ask Kanye if you don't believe me.

Addressing his own dismal popularity ratings when he left office, Bush said someone recently told him that his stature in the eyes of the American people was rising. (Umm, were they drunk?)

But he insisted that wasn't important to him.

"If you chase popularity, you are chasing a moment. You are chasing a puff of air," he told Lauer.

C'mon, it's much more fun to chase WMDs instead.

Of course, Bush had nothing but praise for his father, George H.W. Bush The Elder, who was president from 1989 to 1993.

"He never disappointed me," Bush said. "He was always a great father."

Besides, disappointment was always Dubya's department, anyway!

Going Rogue: An American Life Or An American Lie?

Goody gumdrops! Sarah Palin's exciting new book of lies and half-truths hits the shelves next week, but for those who can't wait 'til Tuesday to get their memoir on, fear not, excerpts are already trickling out from several news agencies and other sources who've decided to "Go Rogue" and release their advanced copies ahead of schedule. Apparently, arbitrary media "embargoes" mean nothing to these liberal media elites.

But as long as they keep the juicy tidbits about our darling Sarah flowing, can we really complain?

And since they're from the Alaskan ice queen herself, you know they have to be true!

Like what really happened in that disastrous CBS interview with Katie Couric when Sarah couldn't, for the life of her, name a single newspaper she reads--if only to get that nagging broad Katie off her back. I mean the only reason Sarah agreed to do the damn interview in the first place was because she felt sorry for Katie who suffers from terribly low self-esteem. And this is the thanks she gets? By having some dumb, self-hating floozy like Katie badger her with silly questions about what books and periodicals she reads and her opinion on the country's current economic woes. Of all the indignities!

Sarah also tells of the "jaded aura" around McCain's political advisors once she stormed onto the scene. Of course, this had nothing to do with the fact that our fair Alaskan governor didn't know much about anything, including whether or not Africa was a continent (Ya, like that's important for a vice-president), the difference between England and Great Britain (they both speak all weird and Mary Poppins-like?), or basically anything that doesn't have to do with hockey moms and pigs who wear lipstick.

Well excuuuse her for not liking that McCain's snooty senior advisors, like Steve Schmidt and Nicolle Wallace, forced her to "stick with the script" and kept encouraging her to actually prepare for interviews instead of just wingin' it freestyle with adorable winks and truncated action verbs like a real maverick.

Or how they got all angry every time she went a wee bit "off script" to lie about her own accomplishments (there weren't any) or make up crazy stuff about that awful Barry character. I mean, do you want to win or not here people?

Of course, Going Rogue has plenty more about how everything that went wrong is the fault of the dumb McCain campaign since everyone in the whole world (except these idiots apparently) knew who the real superstar was. And it certainly wasn't that old windbag whose campaign she tried to save by finally agreeing to let him be her running mate.

I guess she must've felt sorry for poor Gramps McCain, since he too seemed to be afflicted with the same low self-esteem bug as that pathetic Couric woman.

Come to think of it, that's probably the reason she decided to let Barack Obama win, with his self-esteem already on the skids, it just didn't seem right to rub it in. I mean she already stole the spotlight, did she really need to steal the presidency from him too?

People with high self-esteem don't need to do these kinds of things. They'd much rather quit being governor to write fiction novels about various public figures' self-esteem and work full-time yelling on Facebook at those zero-confidence losers and sad sacks in the media who dare excerpt her book before the official release date.

Jealousy is so unbecoming!

Sarah Palin's Much-Anticipated Assault On Literature Slated For November

Rejoice America! The release date for Sarah Palin's much-anticipated new "book" has been moved up from spring 2010 to Nov. 17 because the world simply cannot wait one another second to devour all 400 wisdom-filled pages from Alaska's sexiest import.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of Sarah Palin and her loyal ghostwriter Lynn Vincent, the dynamic duo were able to complete the former governor's new memoir "Going Rogue: An American Life" just four months after the book deal was announced. You betcha!

"Governor Palin has been unbelievably conscientious and hands-on at every stage, investing herself deeply and passionately in this project," said Jonathan Burnham, publisher of Harper. "It's her words, her life, and it's all there in full and fascinating detail."

Well, almost her words. Never mind the fact that not a single page was written by the lovely Miss Palin, but rather by former Navy air-traffic controller and renowned ghostwriter Lynn Vincent of "Donkey Cons: Sex, Crime, and Corruption in the Democratic Party" fame. But then again, a book with nothing but pigs wearing lipstick illustrations interspersed with various truncated action verbs (runnin'/playin'/huntin') to describe a certain maverick superstar from the snowy north with some of the most bad-ass winking skills this side of the Arctic, doesn't exactly sound like an award-winner.

For those of you who were in a coma, on the bridge to nowhere, or living outside the metropolis of Wasilla during the presidential elections, the term "going rogue" is more than just the ingeniously witty title of Sarah's new literary abomination.

It also of course refers to the criticism some McCain adviser used to describe Palin's erratic and potentially destructive behavior during the end of the 2008 campaign when she did whatever she could to seal the old man's fate as a perennial presidential loser--while still advancing her own (political?) career as the maverick reformer who quit governing Alaska to join Facebook full-time.

So, while Sarah's juicy, soon-to-be-released memoir (do I smell Pulitzer?) may be soaring up the bestseller lists, (holding the No. 3 spot on Amazon just behind Glenn Beck's "Arguing with Idiots: How to Stop Small Minds and Big Government") and worth every penny of the $7 million advance she pocketed, her success on the lecture circuit hasn't exactly fared as well.

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/28/sarah-palin-memoir-going-_n_302246.html

Aside from the hefty $100,000 fee this small-town values gal from Wasilla demands, many of the major venues are taking a pass on Miss Palin.

"The big lecture buyers in the US are paralyzed with fear about booking her, basically because they think she is a blithering idiot."

"Palin is so uninteresting to so many groups -- unless they are interested in moose hunting," one industry expert explained. "What does she have to say? She can't even describe what she reads."

That's okay. Thanks to her 432-page war on the written word, we can't either.

Memoirs Of A Dick

Just in case you haven't had enough Dick (Cheney, that is) lately, you'll be happy to know the former Bush VP has decided to grace the world with his first memoir to be published in Spring 2011, just a few months after Dubya's highly anticipated novel debuts. OMG, 2011 is gonna be awesome!

Now, normally Dick is not one to bask in the spotlight or, for that matter, any light since his primary place of residence is a dank hole 300 feet below the surface of the Earth.

But the more he thought about it, the more the 68-year-old Cheney realized he had a lot to say about his 40 or so years of government service, dating all the way back to the hippie-drenched era of the 1960s. ***Shudder***

His as-of-now still untitled book will cover his loooooong career destroying society, from chief of staff under President Gerald Ford to vice president under George W. Bush to his present-day job as the nation's foremost Prophet of Doom. In between his four heart attacks and numerous surgeries, Cheney still managed to dedicate his life to serving his country--be it torturing enemies, bombing oil-rich countries worth huge rebuilding contracts, watching the Twin Towers burn, New Orleans drown, or just shooting friends. A real American hero, that Dick!

Plus, he wants to set the record straight that he is not in fact Darth Vader or worse, some lab project in Victor Frankenstein's basement.

"I'm persuaded there are a lot of interesting stories that ought to be told," Cheney said. "I want my grandkids, 20 or 30 years from now, to be able to read it and understand what I did, and why I did it."

That way they'll be able to smile proudly and say with confidence, "That's my granddaddy who ruined America!"