The GOP Is As Healthy As Its Leaders

Hi, I'm a fat pile of sh*t who spews venomous hate in the absence of having any formal education or marketable qualities other than a weirdly obsessive love of all things radio. Can I please be the leader of your Party?

Conservative radio host, hate-monger, and dear leader of the Republicans, Rush Limbaugh has no time for "pretend" party members like former Secretary of State Colin Powell or anyone else for that matter who thinks with their brain instead of through an opiate and morphine-filled haze.

That's why he's telling that chump Powell and all the other liberal posers in the GOP to take their panzy-asses and go join the rest of the queerballs in the Democratic Party.

A true Republican like Rush never criticizes his party, under any circumstances. That's what pussy Democrats do. It doesn't matter how far your party has sunk, or how unpopular, out-of-touch, and increasingly irrelevant it's become. It can be teetering on the god damn brink of extinction, and even then you don't dare ask it to change or question its ideas.

No, no. You become even more extreme in your beliefs and rigid in your thinking. Purge all the infidels from the party who think differently, especially those with fresh ideas and sensible solutions. Isolate everyone but the few remaining kooks in your base, and above all hate anything that it isn't white, straight, wearing a cross and holding a gun.

Like moderates. Especially smart black ones who don't want to see their party hijacked by a fat, red-faced idiot whose ability to clearly speak English into a microphone is the only thing separating him from a pathetic life as an unemployed virgin living in his mother's basement.

Fellow bloated, rosy-cheeked Republican hero, Dick Cheney agrees. He knows it would be a mistake for the GOP to moderate, just like he knows the GOP would benefit from him dying, or at the very least, retreating back into his lair and out of the public eye.

"I think periodically we have to go through one these sessions. It helps clear away some of the underbrush...some of the older folks who've been around a long time (like yours truly) need to move on, and make room for that young talent that's coming along. But I think it's basically healthy."

And who would know health more than this four-time heart attack survivor and his jollily obese, half-deaf sidekick?

Rush & Dick: Two Picturesque Visions Of Health