Thursday, May 7, 2009
Bank Stress Tests Show Under Mattress Still Best Option For Stashing Funds
To the shock and dismay of no one, Bank of America and Citigroup announced they are once again broke as hell and in dire need of some fresh taxpayer dough to continue squandering in obscene and offensive ways.
Stress tests of the 19 largest U.S. banks confirmed suspicions that Bank of America, Citigroup, Wells Fargo, and GMAC are indeed worthless deadbeats and as such, will need to leech off the public for just a wee bit longer or until they're able to stand on their own two pillars.
Bank of America continued its unrivaled domination of this year's Wall Street Derby, posting a $34 billion shortfall and easily claiming the gold as the nation's biggest money pit. Wells Fargo and GMAC fell just short, earning silver and bronze honors with their own meager $15 billion and $11.5 billion requirements, respectively.
But the real story of the day was Citigroup's Mine That Bird-like upset, shocking the world with its partial solvency and mere $5 billion request. Ha, chump change!
Kudos though, to Goldman Sachs, MetLife, JPMorgan Chase, Bank of New York Mellon Corp. and American Express, for not being miserable failures like the other Fortune 500 degenerates we keep rescuing from self-induced destruction and actually manage on the billion dollar allowance we already agreed upon. Rules are rules!