Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Two Bombs Don't Make A Right: The Only Similarity Between Newt Gingrich's Campaign & Pearl Harbor Is The Pricey New Tiffany Pearls Draped Around Callista's Neck

In what likely shattered dreams of a Merry Christmas for countless Americans from sea to shining sea, the Republican Party of Virginia announced that Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich was offically disqualified from the Virginia primary ballot because he was having too much fun running for president of dumb, meaningless teevee debates to be bothered to run for actual president of the United States and submit the 10,000 signatures that the state requires to qualify.

Umm, ooopsies?

Now, most people would probably attribute such a massive misstep to the obvious managerial ineptitude and organizational failure, but then again most people are not Newt Gingrich, and don't have a delusional sense of self-worth nor an ego the size of their own impossibly thick, dense head.

No, no, the much more likely explanation is that Virginia, like Japan before it, had decided to pull a Pearl Harbor on Newt by kamikaze bombing his campaign not letting him on the ballot for fascism for not following the rules like every other semi-competent candidate.

Newtclear Meltdown In Virginia: A Gaffe That Will Live In Infamy!

From The Hill:
“Newt and I agreed that the analogy is December 1941,” campaign director Michael Krull wrote on the Gingrich Facebook page. “We have experienced an unexpected set-back, but we will re-group and re-focus with increased determination, commitment and positive action. Throughout the next months there will be ups and downs; there will be successes and failures; there will be easy victories and difficult days – but in the end we will stand victorious.”
If you mean victorious in presiding over, quite possibly, the most bumbling, asinine, idiotic, disastrous presidential campaign in recent memory, then congratulations, Newt, you win!

You always did have a knock for bombing!

But don't feel too bad, Newty! Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Rick Santorum all also proved too inept to hand in enough signatures on time, so you're not the only one prohibited from gracing Virginia's pristine ballot boxes.

After all, Virginia is for lovers, not fatass, adulterous losers.

An honest mistake. Unlike Newt! Errr, at least the honest part.

[image via WeaselZippers]

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Texas College Republicans May Flunk Most Things, But They Sure Get An A In Racist Twitter Poetry

Holy Twit! Another day, another University of Texas Austin College Republicans President tweets something terrible and racist about President Obama, 4 like fun 'n stuff! Hooray!!

The wonderfully enlightened prose (for trailer trash in Amarillo) comes from the second University of Texas College Republicans President in as many months, talented poet-to-be, Cassie Wright. The first one, Lauren Pierce, was a gifted scholar of that other hilarious, popular genre of Republican poetry known as Obama "assassination jokes."

So the current President, Cassie Wright, not only decided to bless the nation with her brilliant observations, but also twatted out her momentary brain activity in adorable rhyme format! Maybe if the whole "college education" thing doesn't work out, Cassie could become the next great author of racist children's coloring books?

Although, to be fair, I'm pretty sure crack is not ever snorted, so Cassie should really consider hiring a fact checker before embarking on her next career as America's premier distributor of offensive, ill-informed propaganda in 140 (rhyming) characters or less. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, biatch!

Of course, a wiz like Cassie knows Social Media isn't just for tweeting dumb, racist nonsense about the President of the United States. Not at all! It's also for racial stereotyping, Cassie's (and apparently all College Republicans') all-time favorite activity on Earth.
On Facebook recently, Wright wrote that it was a “messed up world” because she was studying in the library while “the Asian guy next to me is watching America’s Next Top Model episodes on his laptop.”
When a commenter asked what being Asian had to with it, Wright responded:
“Because Asians study a lot…If you’re offended by my use of a stereotype then gtfo [get the f*** out].”
Ah yes, tomorrow's leaders.

My name is Cassie Wright, can you tell that I'm white?
I've got blonde hair and big tits, but no brain and even less wits. Holla

#everythingsdumberintexas #brasizeisbiggerthanIQ

Messed up world? GTFO!

No, seriously. The whole state. Please.

[image via Gawker]

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Separation Of Crotch & State: Mississippi Mayor Greg Davis Learns The Hard Way Why City Credit Cards & Gay Sex Shops Don't Mix

Finally, a Christmas story we can all get behind!

It's been awhile since one of America's fabulous, self-loathing, Republican closet cases accidentally outed himself by getting caught in some secret gay sexytime scandal (we're talking months here!), until a dandy Southern gent/failed Congressional candidate/wingnut mayor of Southaven, Mississippi by the name of Greg Davis forgot about a little thing called cash (and public records!) and decided to go on his wild, taxpayer-funded $170,000 shopping spree in booze, fancy meals, and gay sex shops in Canada using his very traceable, very public, city-issued credit card.


The sexytime freebies lasted until a bunch of lame, fun-hating auditors noticed there were, uh, five hundred pages of receipts for the mayor’s extracurricular activities and decided to have a look-see at his credit card expenditures. Uh Oh! Umm, yeah let's try this again, meet Greg Davis, the formerly-closeted gay, formerly-employed former mayor who has never heard of cash or considered that purchasing frivolous fish dinners and frisky sex toys on the public dime is still a crime, albeit a slightly embarrassing one.

From the Commercial Appeal newspaper:
“At this point in my life and in my career, while I have tried to maintain separation between my personal and public life, it is obvious that this can no longer remain the case,” Davis said at his Southaven home. “While I have performed my job as mayor, in my opinion, as a very conservative, progressive individual [Ed note: Huh?] — and still continue to be a very conservative individual — I think that it is important that I discuss the struggles I have had over the last few years when I came to the realization that I am gay.”
Which pales in comparison to the struggles he's had over the realization that he's also a generous tipper, which breaks the GOP (Gay One Percenters') cardinal rule of treating other people in the exact opposite way as you'd want to be treated yourself.
"[D]uring a dinner for legislators and attorneys at the Mint Restaurant in Ridgeland, Miss., Davis left a $1,000 tip on a $2,509.43 bill that included two bottles of Opus One wine for $415 each."
OMG, so not only is Greg Davis a total homo, but he's also doling out huge tips to the servers of his fancy meals, like some one-man bleeding-heart liberal secret welfare program for America's beleaguered food service industry workers?

Ugh, what's next, charity work for the poor or something gross like that?
The auditor's office confirmed that Davis billed the city for the $67 purchase at Priape, which describes itself on its website as "Canada's premiere gay lifestyle store and sex shop."

As for the receipts, Davis, a Republican who ran unsuccessfully for Congress in 2008 on a conservative, family-values platform, said he couldn’t discuss specifics on the advice of his attorney.
And also because of the replica Ron Jeremy Dong in his mouth.

But don't worry, Mr. Mayor. It gets better!

After all, prison couldn't really be worse than Mississippi could it?

[image via AP]

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Anti-Gay Alabama Wingnut Bill Johnson Is Against Sinful Same-Sex Families Unless He Has "A Hand" In Creating Them

Pop quiz: What does a failed, anti-gay, conservative Christian politician do two years after losing his 2009 campaign to become Alabama's newest, craziest, wingnut governor?

If you guessed embark on a lesbian-impregnating rampage in New Zealand, despite his own homophobic past and without the knowledge of his two-time Mrs. America finalist wife, give yourself a round of applause, you're right!

How does Bill Johnson, a crazed wingnut hack from 'Bama, go from preaching about the hot, erotic evils of homosinuality in America's Deep South to masturbating into a cup for lesbians 7,982 miles away in the Deep South Pacific?

Funny story!
A conservative Christian politician has a secret life as a sperm donor for lesbian couples - even though he has campaigned against gay marriage.
American politician Bill Johnson has spent most of this year in Christchurch helping run the earthquake recovery, all the while using the online persona "chchbill" to meet women who want help to get pregnant.
Under that persona, he has discussed making donations to at least nine women without the knowledge of his family in the US.
Three of the women are now pregnant, and Johnson has assisted another three with donations in the past month. It is believed he has been in communication with at least another three women to discuss sperm donation.
His actions as a sperm donor sparked concern in the fertility medicine community, whose guidelines recommend donations are made in the regulated environment of a fertility clinic, and that no man provide sperm donations to more than four families.
Then again, the guidelines also recommend staying away from sketchy, washed-up American political creeps and their anti-gay semen, but hell even Jesus couldn't resist a li'l hot lady-on-lady action, amiright?

But how did the intrepid newspaper reporters discover that freaky Alabama secret sperminator Bill Johnson was generously donating his potent man juice to all these lezzy ladies, despite campaigning against the very sinful same-sex family he's apparently now hell-bent on creating?
The Herald on Sunday approached Johnson on Thursday at a restaurant in Christchurch [New Zealand] where he had just finished dining with one of the women he had successfully impregnated.
He said the urge to become a biological father was “a need that I have.”
Don't you people get it? It wasn't a choice, it was a need! Like breathing or beating off into a Dixie cup. Ya know, normal stuff.

"Reproduction and having children is as basic a human need as eating," he told the Herald.

Okay, that too!

His wife, Kathy Johnson, on the other hand (no pun intended!), said the revelations were "the utmost of betrayal."

"This is a really, really difficult time for our family," she said. "I'm still in disbelief and very hurt, and our family has a lot of healing to do."

Oooh, is it sexual healing? Cause, if so, have I got the perfect guy for you!
"I am married to the most beautiful woman in the world. When I married her I knew we couldn't have any more children. She had a hysterectomy 10 years ago," he said. "There is nothing my wife would want to give me more in the world than a child of my own."

Really?? Cause I was thinking more along the lines of divorce papers or a swift kick in the nuts.

But don't worry not-even-almost-governor Bill Johnson! The people of Alabama still love you! After segregation and bestiality, masturbating into a cup is one of the state's most cherished pastimes!

Roll Tide, y'all! Or should I say Stroke?

[image via NZ Herald]

Friday, December 9, 2011

Obama Administration Announces Global Quest To Save Gay People; Rick Perry Denounces It In Personal Quest To Save Himself From Seeming Like A Good Person

Normal, sane folk who don't convulse uncontrollably at the idea of actually making dare I say, progress in the treatment of fellow human beings, felt an overwhelming sense of pride as Barack Obama announced that the United States "would use all the tools of American diplomacy, including the potent enticement of foreign aid, to promote gay rights around the world."

In a memorandum issued by the President Obama and in a speech by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, the Obama administration vowed to "actively combat efforts by other nations that criminalize homosexual conduct, abuse gay men, lesbians, bisexuals or transgendered people, or ignore abuse against them."

Whoa, whoa, whoa! OMG, since when do gross gay people count as actual human beings? Does Jesus know about this?

The New York Times apparently does.
"I am deeply concerned by the violence and discrimination targeting LGBT persons around the world whether it is passing laws that criminalize LGBT status, beating citizens simply for joining peaceful LGBT pride celebrations, or killing men, women, and children for their perceived sexual orientation," Mr. Obama said in a presidential memorandum.
Ugh, fine, but throwing rocks at them is still cool, right?
"In many ways, they are an invisible minority," Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said at the United Nations Human Rights Council in Geneva. "They are arrested, beaten, terrorized - even executed. Many are treated with contempt and violence by their fellow citizens while authorities empowered to protect them look the other way - or join in the abuse. Too often, they are denied opportunities to work and learn, driven from their homes and countries, and forced to suppress or deny who they are to protect themselves from harm."
Oh, so they're like Occupy protesters here?
After saying the United States' own record on the issue is "far from perfect" and that there is still work to be done domestically, Clinton urged the international community to act despite the fact that opposition based on "deeply held personal, political, cultural, and religious beliefs" remains. "Being gay is not a Western invention. It is a human reality."
Which I guess can be said about the Kardashians as well.
“In reality, gay people are born into — and belong to — every society in the world,” she said. In countries “where people are jailed, beaten or executed for being gay,” she called on leaders to leap ahead of their constituents cultural or social mores, if necessary. 
Wait, so does that mean the whole stoning/beheading in a public square is a no go? Cause if so, Uganda's gonna be pissed!
“I’m not saying that gay people can’t or don’t commit crimes,” she said. “They can and do, just like straight people. And when they do, they should be held accountable. But it should never be a crime to be gay.”
Unless say, they do the unthinkable like wear white after Labor Day or heavens forbid, fuchsia gingham shirts tucked neatly into tight white pants and secured by a turquoise '80s belt to a White House Garden Party.

Other than that, the U.S. going on record as being uncool with gay-hating foreign governments, and not wanting people to be murdered, tortured or imprisoned for their sexuality is a pretty uncontroversial thing, unless...UNLESS you are a fading, desperate drunkard like Rick Perry, who will prove once and for all he is the #1 presidential candidate of straight Jesus and all HIS one man + one woman (+ semi automatic machine gun) glory.

Well there's no way Slick Rick Perry's just going to sit back and let them gays get any of those "special rights" to exist, which is why he issued this fiery statement:
“Just when you thought Barack Obama couldn’t get any more out of touch with America’s values, his administration wants to make foreign aid decisions based on gay rights.
“This administration’s war on traditional American values must stop.
“I have proposed a foreign aid budget that starts at zero. From that zero baseline, we will consider aid requests based solely on America’s national security interests. Promoting special rights for gays in foreign countries is not in America’s interests and not worth a dime of taxpayers’ money.
“But there is a troubling trend here beyond the national security nonsense inherent in this silly idea. This is just the most recent example of an administration at war with people of faith in this country. Investing tax dollars promoting a lifestyle many Americas of faith find so deeply objectionable is wrong.
“President Obama has again mistaken America’s tolerance for different lifestyles with an endorsement of those lifestyles. I will not make that mistake.”
Aww, hell no! Instead Rick Perry will make the mistake of thinking that the only people in the world are obese racist old white people who live in the American south, and equate the rights of gay people to paying income tax.

But, don't worry Rick! Everyone knows no more Republicans will accidentally turn gay as a result of this new policy. That's what Teletubbies, the Military, and Craigslist is for!

[image via AP/Wonkette]

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

The Fighter In Herman Cain Wants To Keep Running For President, But The Lover In Him Has Forced His Premature Evacuation

Horny Godfather of grabassery Herman No He Cain't has gone and done the unthinkable. No, no, not shove another unsuspecting woman's head into his crotch or offer financial assistance to a dear "friend" by secretly putting his penis into her vagina at various hotels around the country. The other unthinkable thing, effectively ending his hilarious presidential campaign of one weird, humiliating gaffe and sexual harassment charge after another.

Oh, the Hermanity!

The New York Times reports on this unfolding tragedy:
An unapologetic and defiant Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign on Saturday, pledging that he “would not go away” even as he abandoned hope of winning the Republican nomination in the face of escalating accusations of sexual misconduct.
“As of today, with a lot of prayer and soul searching, I am suspending my presidential campaign,” Mr. Cain said at a rally that was originally planned to be the grand opening of his national campaign headquarters in Atlanta. “Because of the continued distractions, the continued hurt caused on me and my family, not because we are not fighters. Not because I’m not a fighter.”
But because he's a lover. And not just any lover, but a lover of creepy, unwanted sexual advances and crappy pizza stocked on gas station shelves.

He's also a fighter. Especially when it involves facts of any kind. Particularly the kind that has nice round breasts and a full, come-hither mouth it can use to call the media and give all the juicy details about the lover-fighter that is Herman Cain.

"I am not going to be silenced and I am not going away," he said with his wife Gloria at his side, vowing to continue to be "a voice for the people."

Especially the ladies. Whether they like it or not.

"I am disappointed that it came to this point, that we had to make this decision," Cain said. "These false and untrue allegations continue to be spinned in the media, and in the court of public opinion so as to create a cloud of doubt over me and this campaign and my family. That spin hurts. It hurts my wife. It hurts my family. It hurts me. And it hurts the American people, because you are being denied solutions to our problems."

Like the irresistibly sweet, black walnutty taste of Herman's Candy Cain?

"So one of declarations I want to make to you today is that I am at peace with my God. I am at peace with my wife, and she is at peace with me. And I am at peace with my family and at peace with myself," Cain said.

And with whatever hot piece of ass he befriends to help with her finances next.

Cain did, however, vow to keep fighting for his unique brand of conservatism (the crazy kind?) through his awesome new website, 9-9-9 The Movie: Slaying the Tax Monster.

Likely followed by its sequel 9-9-9 The Divorce: Resurrecting The Pants Monster.

Looks like America will just have to grope its way back to prosperity, without the helping hand of Herman Cain, Godfather of Love.

Although, on the bright side, at least he gets to spend more time with his families.

[image via New York Times]

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Michele Bachmann Generously Offers To Let Gays Get Straight Married, Just Like Marcus Bachmann Did!

Minnesota hellwoman and (un)equal rights warrior Michele Bachmann is no stranger to fighting for the little people, those least able to speak for themselves, like the li'l fairy living inside Marcus and the various insane voices living inside her head.

Which is why Michele is working hard to ensure that the civil rights of all Americans are protected, but especially the white heterosexual Christian ones because they are better and infinitely more important, according to Jesus and the Constitution.

But it's not as if Michele is saying gay people shouldn't get married because they are gross abominations of God who will burn in eternal hellfire for their gross gay sins. Not at all! She's simply saying that if gays feel the need to get hitched so damn badly, they can go ahead and feel free to marry a person of the opposite sex, like normal, decent Americans who make a living secretly praying the gay away.

"[Gay people] can get married,” she says, “But they abide by the same law as everyone else. They can marry a man if they’re a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they’re a man." Oooh, so many options!

So straight people can marry who they love, and gay people can marry a straight person because this is how "civil rights" works, or at least according to someone with a mail-order law degree from Crazy Christian U and unshakeable belief that mandatory HPV vaccinations make you retarded.

Luckily, one thoughtful young woman and president of Waverly High School's Gay-Straight Alliance, Jane Schmidt, apparently missed her government-forced vaccination/mental retardation shot because she confronted Miss Bachmann on her obvious inability to make any sense whatsoever.
JANE SCHMIDT: One of my main concerns is government support for the LGBT community. So my question is what would you do to protect GSAs in high school and support the LGBT community.
BACHMANN: Well, No. 1, all of us as Americans have the same rights. The same civil rights. And so that's really what government's role is, to protect our civil rights. There shouldn't be any special rights or special set of criteria based upon people's preferences. We all have the same civil rights.
JANE SCHMIDT: Then, why can't same-sex couples get married?
BACHMANN: They can get married, but they abide by the same law as everyone else. They can marry a man if they’re a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they're a man.
JANE SCHMIDT: Why can't a man marry a man?
BACHMANN: Because that's not the law of the land.
JANE SCHMIDT: So heterosexual couples have a privilege.
BACHMANN: No, they have the same opportunity under the law. There is no right to same-sex marriage.
JANE SCHMIDT: So you won't support the LGBT community?
BACHMANN: No, I said that there are no special rights for people based upon your sex practices. There's no special rights based upon what you do in your sex life. You're an American citizen first and foremost and that's it.
BACHMANN: Remember every American citizen has the right to avail themselves to marriage but they have to follow what the laws are. And the laws are you marry a person of the opposite sex.
Exactly! It's common decency! Kind of like when an insane congresswoman goes on some psychotic, incoherent, mind-numbingly illogical rant, it is your duty to point out the fact that gay marriage is indeed lawful in Iowa, where she was speaking. Not in Minnesota, of course, which at least makes a pretty good legal argument for how she ended up married to Marcus Bachmann.

Though on the bright side, according to the Constitution, Michele is still free to go fuck herself.

Which comes as quite a relief. Not least of all to Marcus!

[image via The Raw Story]

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Not Even Rick Perry Is Drinking Rick Perry's Kool-Aid, Unless It's Spiked With Bacardi, Served With An Umbrella Straw & Moves Elections To An Imaginary Date In Some Drunk Fool's Mind

When not embarrassing himself on national teevee by forgetting which of the big, bad, Socialist, gubmint programs he can't wait to get rid of (edukayshun?) in the middle of a prime-time Republican debate, Slick Rick Perry is usually content to just get drunk and embarrass himself away from the bright glare of the spotlight, like, say at an obscure New Hampshire town hall meeting no one cares about anyway. Or maybe just skip the booze and embarrass himself doing what he does best (besides swigging from a secret flask and executing inmates): opening his big fat trap and saying something ridiculously stupid, it makes Herman Cain look like a total jenius in comparison. I'm talking Albert Feinstein level!

Like when Rick Perry attempts to lock up a presidential victory by reminding the good people of New Hampshire to vote for him, Rick "Jesus" Perry, on November 12, a solid week after the actual November 6 presidential election, when no one else will even be running anymore, unless of course they know a thing or two about flux capacitors in 1985 DeLoreans. Solid strategy, Slick!

Even better is when Rick Perry decides to move the legal voting age from 18 to 21, because, c'mon, what's an election without getting smashed out of your mind first? Certainly not any election Rick Perry has any chance of winning.

“Those of you that will be 21 by November the 12th, I ask for your support and your vote. Those of you who won’t be, work hard.”

Hear that New Hampshire?

Rick Perry is imploring all of you to please work hard, getting as drunk as humanly possible Rick Perry, so that you mistakenly vote for him in the one election he actually has a chance to win: the fictional kind.

But it's not as if Perry's whole brain is drowning in a delicious sea of Jameson and Patrón. The dwindling patch of functioning neurons remaining in Rick Perry's ethanol-soaked mind did manage to comprehend that some desperate, insane (shit-faced?) wingnuts may still want a few reasons to pick Rick, so he gave 'em something they can really sink their teeth (or at least what's left of them) into: what to do with all those pesky brown people doing the gritty jobs and hard manual labor beneath the average white supremacist hillybilly Perry supporter.
“What we need is a president that has the courage, who has the will to implement and send the resources to that border to secure it.”
Oooh, like Herman Cain and his possibly-electrified border fence with the alligator-filled moat??
Speaking of illegal immigrants arrested for non-violent crimes, Perry said, “My policy will be to detain and deport every illegal alien who is apprehended in this country.”
In other words, he will round up everyone who has already been rounded up, and then do, umm, whatever it is that incompetent idiot Republican governors of Texas do with poor non-white minorities: kill them secretly employ them as maids, gardeners, or an extra set of hands to help herd the cattle and groom the horses on their sprawling ranch.

Either way, Herman Cain, Michelle Bachmann, and Newt Gingrich better watch out, because the race to the bottom is officially heating up.

And no Rick, we don't mean the wooden barrel where you store your moonshine.

For God's sake, Rick, didn't anyone tell you you're not required to get wasted every time you speak in public?

The mind may be a terrible thing to waste. But I guess, in Rick Perry's case, an even more terrible waste would be if he actually had a mind.

[image via The Daily Beast]

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Holy Twit! Kansas High School Student Won't Apologize For Saying Gov. Sam Brownback Sucks Harder Than A Topeka Twister

War of the Words (in 150 or less): Brownback v. Sullivan

Thin-skinned crybaby Kansas governor of creationism and trolling Twitter feeds for meany comments by teenage girls, Sam Brownback, has decided to stop harassing 18-year-old high school students and start slashing arts education and civil rights for gays like the wise, compassionate Republican statesman he is.

Which is good news because Kansas was almost becoming a desirable place to live, if you're the kind of person who enjoys illiterate, gun-crazed wingnuts telling you what you can or cannot do with your body, while 300 mph tornadoes whip around cattle, buildings, and any remnants of civilization not tied down.

And you better believe Gov. Sam Brownback intends to keep it that way. Which is why he decided not to continue his insane wingnut quest to destroy the life of Emma Sullivan, an 18-year-old Kansas high school senior and member of the Youth In Government program who, during a field trip to the state capital, tweeted a joke about Brownback's dumbass speech to the students: “Just made mean comments at gov brownback and told him he sucked, in person #heblowsalot.”

OMG, the nerve! #kidsarecrazythesedays!

The Kansas City Star reports:
She actually made no such comments. “Joking around,” Sullivan says of the incident. Brownback’s director of communication wasn’t amused when the tweet was spotted during the routine daily monitoring of comments on Twitter and Facebook mentioning the governor’s name.
“That wasn’t respectful,” responded Sherriene Jones-Sontag. “In order to really have a constructive dialogue, there has to be mutual respect.”
Brownback’s brief speech to the students encouraged them to “be active in their government, community and public service,” Jones-Sontag says.
Nevermind that Sam Brownback really does "suck" and according to most everybody with a functional brain and opposable thumb, also really "blows a lot." Sherriene Jones-Sontag is so right! The best way to encourage students to participate in government and community affairs is by forcing them to shut their fucking mouths and do as they're told. Respectfully.

Even better is for the Governor's staff to troll Twitter feeds of teenagers and upon finding an offensive (because it's true) joke about their very own wingnut imbecile Teabagger-in-Chief, call the schoolgirl's principal to demand an immediate apology and force her to pinky swear never to utter any meany words about a certain elected public official with a serious Napoleon complex ever ever again.

But being the smart liberal young gal she is and not the cretinous Teabagger paradigm for "What's the Matter With Kansas?" Emma Sullivan refused to write some dumb letter of lies apology to Gov. Brownback because for one thing, she isn't sorry and still thinks he's a big idiotface who totally blows.

Apparently in Kansas, sticking to your guns works, with the school already backing down, because seriously who needs this kind of publicity? Certainly not Shawnee Mission School District who decided that Emma Sullivan does not need to write a letter of apology and won’t face any repercussions. Instead, releasing a statement saying they've "reviewed recent events surrounding the reported tweet by Shawnee Mission East High School student Emma Sullivan" and "[acknowledged] a student's right to freedom of speech and expression is constitutionally protected."

Guess who else relented in the face of free speech cries about a person's constitutional right to Tweet? That's right, the very yellow-bellied Brownbacked wingnut Governor who started this whole brouhaha in the first place.

Oh, and turns out, it was all his stupid staff's fault for over-reacting to the tweet:
"My staff over-reacted to this tweet, and for that I apologize. Freedom of speech is among our most treasured freedoms.
"I enjoyed speaking to the more than 100 students who participated in the Youth in Government Program at the Kansas Capitol. They are our future.
"I also want to thank the thousands of Kansas educators who remind us daily of our liberties, as well as the values of civility and decorum.
"Again, I apologize for our over-reaction."
Haha, score one for Emma Sullivan who, despite everything you thought, is actually lucky to live in Kansas.

Hell, Rick Perry would've had her executed.

Don't worry, Brownback, it gets better! Except then I don't think we'd be in Kansas anymore.

[Images via Getty]

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Poll: Fox News Viewers Less Informed Than Those Who Read No News; Which Is Weird Because Fox News Hosts Believe Pepper Spray Is A "Food Product, Essentially"

OMG, did you hear the crazy, Earth-shattering, mind-blowing news? No, no not that fat, crazed, out-of-control cops are pepper-spraying college students eyeballs out, macing old ladies, stomping on peaceful protesters, billy clubbing defenseless women and children, and bloodying the faces of law-abiding citizens in every major city around the country. The other headline-busting story about how Fox News is — gasp!—basically as informative and knowledge-providing as staring at an empty cardboard box for hours on end, or at least according to Fairleigh Dickinson University’s latest PublicMind poll.

Well, actually, that's not really 100 percent accurate, since watching a cardboard box doesn't usually suck knowledge from your brain like a new Dyson upright vacuum with ball technology, as is the case with Fox.

From the report:
The poll — which asked New Jerseyans where they find news and information about current events — found that Sunday morning news shows are the most informative, while Fox News actually leads people to be less informed than those who consume no news at all.

The poll focused partly on popular uprisings in Egypt and Syria. Asked whether the people of Egypt successfully topped Hosni Mubarak’s regime, 49 percent of Fox News viewers answered “yes” — the lowest on the scale — while 68 percent of NPR listeners answered in the affirmative, the highest on the scale.
Those who watch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart performed well on the questions. Sixty percent of Daily Show viewers correctly answered that opposition forces in Syria have not yet toppled the government, second only to NPR. Forty-five percent of Fox News viewers answered “no.”
As Dan Cassino, a political science professor at Fairleigh Dickinson and an analyst for the poll, explained, "The (poll’s) results show us that there is something about watching Fox News that leads people to do worse on these questions than those who don’t watch any news at all."

Ummm, is that something named Gretchen Carlson??

Or maybe it's that other sexy blonde genius with the really deep, profound observations. No, not not Steve Doocy, although he is sexy. Think more vapid hair product sidekick who has big boobs not acts like one.

That's right, folks! It's everyone's favorite shrill voice of treason reason and idiotically spelled first names, Megyn Kelly who, along with fellow patriotic, non-pinhead patriarch Papa Bill O'Reilly sat down to discuss what really happened at UC Davis and teach all of America why it is perfectly acceptable for heavily militarized security guards to viciously attack a group of sitting students with pepper spray.

Oh, Fox yeah!

But wait a minute, O’Reilly said. “I don't think we have the right to Monday morning quarterback the police.”

OMG, he's so right! Peter King of Sports Illustrated is already in charge of that whole Monday Morning Quarterback thing.

“Especially at a place like UC Davis, which is a fairly liberal campus.”

Because liberals are not people. They are like buzzing hordes of locusts who deserve to be swatted, sprayed, or squashed in whatever manner deemed fit. Of course, if this were Liberty University, God forbid, and some psycho police lieutenant decided to generously and nonchalantly dust peacefully sitting protesters with pepper spray from point spray range, then maybe Papa Bear would have a problem with it.

“Pepper spray, that just burns your eyes, right?” O’Reilly asked Kelly.

OMG, totes! Just like getting Tased is exactly the same feeling as putting on socks and shuffling across carpet before touching your friend.

“Right,” Kelly said. “I mean, its like a derivative of actual pepper. It’s a food product, essentially.”

Exactly! Like jalapeno poppers, or salsa con queso. In fact, if you spray it on pizza, you have a federally recommended meal and an FDA-approved daily serving of vegetables, essentially.

Now, look, Megyn and Bill aren't saying the cops did the right thing or anything! God, no! "I agree [the tape] looks bad," Kelly said.

But looks can be deceiving! I mean Megyn looks like she just clocked out of the lunch shift at Hooters after an all-night coke and sex party at some 18-year old's house whose parents are out of town, but really she is a respected teevee news journalist (and lawyer?) on a very respectable, fair and balanced news network!

It's just that the protesters were sitting in a place where they weren't allowed to sit, so it's kind of their own fault!

Serves those pesky, rabble-rousing, hippie dippie college students right thinking they can just sit anywhere on campus, just because they paid tens of thousands of dollars in tuition for the very privilege to do so.

Besides, the police were just doing what the Chancellor told them, to try and clear the “Occupy” protesters’ encampment.

See, they were just following orders! It's not like anything bad ever comes out of that, right?

Whatever. The point is what right do we, tax-paying citizens, have to judge a publicly-funded cop for spraying a delicious (and nutritious!) simple food product in the faces of a crowd of college kids? (Maybe he was just trying to feed them?).

And not just any college kids. Liberal college kids doing something criminal and dangerous.

Like speaking out against the real people hurt by all this, the poor, long-suffering Corporations.

Because everyone knows liberals don't want to eat powerful pepper blasting from aerosol cans. They'd much prefer to eat the rich instead.

[image via TPM]

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Herman Cain Likes His Women Like He Likes His Pizza: Dense, Round & Stuffed Full Of Manly Meat!

Charming black walnut Herman Cain may have a way with the ladies (open-hand ass slaps only!), an uncanny knack for finding new and exciting ways to contradict himself on whatever subject matter is currently being discussed (you name it, he'll waiver on it!), and the unparalleled ability to offend anyone and everyone with his constant buffoonery, outrageous blunders, and cartoonish lack of knowledge on anything not related to dough, sauce, cheese and sexually harassing whatever hot tits in a skirt he hired to ride the Cain train now.


But it seems no matter how many women he's sexually harassed, policy questions he's "answered" (knowledge is for pussies!) with some insane combination of monosyllabic grunts and nursery rhyme gibberish, the runaway freight train that is the Herman Cain Presidential Express refuses to be derailed.

Just the opposite, in fact. You see, Cain is sort of like the political equivalent of Bigfoot; the more science disproves its existence, the more people become convinced that this elusive, mythical creature is currentlycamped out in their backyards. Because whenever Hermy says or does something mind-blowingly dumb (pick your fave, cringe-worthy "OMG is he serious?" moment), his poll numbers actually go up.

So what in the name of 9-9-9 is the secret to Herman Caini-Caini-Caini-Cain-Cain's improbable rise to the top of the GOP pack? Desperation? Perhaps. He is not Mitt Romney? No doubt. He is a walking, talking comedy routine and the polar opposite of a viable presidential candidate? Cain I get a hell yes!?

Just look to the Cain-Wreck's recent GQ interview to see why, despite the whole electrocute Messicans, screw the poors, push ladies heads in his crotch stuff, America just can't resist the one-of-a-kind Cain you don't even need to snort to feel its crazy, mind-numbing effects.

Alan Richman: Do you eat pizza as much as people say you eat pizza?
Herman Cain: No, because I'm very particular about the pizza that I eat. Godfather's is still a premium-quality product, and I cannot always find that. It's got to be as good as Godfather's or I won't eat it.

Oh, so that explains his campaign! It just has to be as good as Godfather's, a brand so delectable, you can only find it in gas stations in the most podunk cities around the country. Not just quality, Herman Cain quality!

Alan Richman: I understand that you like lots of meat on your pizza. Is this true?
Herman Cain: Yes.
Alan Richman: We won't do it today, but we'll have to argue about this one day, because I'm a crust man.
Herman Cain: You like a thin crust?
Alan Richman: I like a crunchy crust. You just want the meat piled on?
Herman Cain: No, no, no. We balance the ingredients to achieve what we call "a harmony of flavor."
Alan Richman: This sounds like a Republican platform.
Herman Cain: [laughs] We don't just throw stuff on there. We actually test, "Do you have too much sausage? Too much beef?" Because we want to balance the flavor out. So it is more scientifically developed than it might appear.

Ugh science?? I think we can safely say there's clearly nothing Republican about that!

Chris Heath: What can you tell about a man by the type of pizza that he likes?
Herman Cain: [repeats the question aloud, then pauses for a long moment] The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is.
Chris Heath: Why is that?
Herman Cain: Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance. [laughs]
Devin Gordon: Is that purely a meat question?
Herman Cain: A manly man don't want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.

And Herman Cain ain't no sissy! C'mon, would a sissy continuously stuff his pie hole full of various carcinogenic pig parts after recovering from Stage IV colon cancer less than five years earlier? 9-9-9!! Manly Meat for president!!

Chris Heath: What's the best piece of pizza you've ever had?
Herman Cain: Obviously I'm going to say Godfather's.
Chris Heath: But is it true?
Herman Cain: It is true. It gets back to top-quality ingredients.

Obviously, I'm going to say you're full of shit because everyone knows Godfather's is the worst. Hell, not even Papa John will go near that shit.

Devin Gordon: Let me ask you about your rivals. Recently, in response to a question about you being the new "flavor of the month," you said you weren't a flavor of the month, you were Häagen-Dazs black walnut, which "tastes good all the time." If Mitt Romney was an ice cream flavor, what flavor would he be?
Herman Cain: Oh, just plain vanilla. [laughs]... Do you guys really want to do this ice cream analogy?
Devin Gordon: We do. Rick Perry?
Herman Cain: Rick Perry: rocky road.
Devin Gordon: Michele Bachmann?
Herman Cain: Michele Bachmann... I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say it.
(Please don't say tits, please don't say tits!)
Devin Gordon: Oh, come on!
Herman Cain: Tutti-frutti. I know I'm going to get in trouble!
(At least he didn't say tits!)
Chris Heath: Ron Paul?
Herman Cain: Let me finish chewing! [pointing to the Godfather's-inspired pie] This is my favorite by far. I love the sausage, the mushrooms, the sausage. Love it.
Alan Richman: You know it could go on the menu.
Chris Heath: This is testosterone-packed.
(And you know how Herman loves his hot male hormones!)
Herman Cain: Yeah, loaded. If you're worried about cholesterol and calories, don't go into a pizza place in the first place.
Chris Heath: I threw you off. Ron Paul?
Herman Cain: I just don't have a good description for Ron Paul, because he's just not an ice cream flavor.

What, crusty old balls isn't a flavor?

Chris Heath: Completely different subject. I'm interested in this Donna Summer song that you quoted in the debates and you quoted in your book.
[In an August debate, in his closing statement, Cain quoted a favorite lyric sung by Donna Summer in "The Power of One," though he described her only as a "poet."—CH]
Herman Cain: I heard the song in a collage that NBC put together following the 2000 Olympics. And as it turns out, the song comes from the Pokémon movie, and I didn't know that.
(I always thought that was secret code for banging David Bowie's wife Iman!)
Chris Heath: It's the theme of the movie.
Herman Cain: That's what I've been told. And so I fell in love with this song, fell in love with how she sang the song, and fell in love with the words. Committed it to memory. Now, why did I commit it to memory? Because one of the things that I did before I ran for president is I was a professional speaker. Not a motivational speaker—an inspirational speaker. Motivation comes from within. You have to be inspired. That's what I do. I inspire people, I inspire the public, I inspire my staff. I inspired the organizations I took over to want to succeed. I love the song: [almost singing] Life can be a challenge / Life can seem impossible / It's never easy, when there is so much on the line / But you can make a difference. [laughs]
Chris Heath: Are you a big Donna Summer fan?
Herman Cain: Yes.
Chris Heath: What are other songs of hers that you love?
Herman Cain: [long pause] Didn't she do "Work Hard for Your Money"?
Chris Heath: Yes. [A Freudian-Republican inaccuracy on his part; he means "She Works Hard for the Money."—CH]
Herman Cain: That's one of my favorite ones.

Herman Cain likes a woman who knows how to work hard for her money, if you know what I mean. Wink wink.

Devin Gordon: What did you think about the fuss around your comments about Muslims. [Cain said in March that, if elected, he wouldn't feel "comfortable" appointing a Muslim to his cabinet] Did you think that you were treated fairly in that conversation? 
Herman Cain: No, because a lot of people misrepresented what I said. I know that there are peaceful Muslims, and there are extremists. I have nothing against peaceful Muslims. Nothing whatsoever. But I also know that we must be careful of extremists and we must be careful of the tendency by some groups in this country to infuse their beliefs into our laws and our culture.
Devin Gordon: Do you think that there is a greater tendency among the Muslim faith for that kind of extremism?
Herman Cain: That would be a judgment call that I'm probably not qualified to make, because I can't speak on behalf of the entire Muslim community.

Oh fuck it, he's never let that stop him before!

Herman Cain: I have talked with Muslims that are peaceful Muslims. And I have had one very well known Muslim voice say to me directly that a majority of Muslims share the extremist views...I can't tell you his name, but he is a very prominent voice in the Muslim community, and he said that.
Chris Heath: I just find that hard to believe.
Herman Cain: I find it hard to believe.
Chris Heath: But you're believing it? 
Herman Cain: Yes, because of the respect that I have for this individual. Because when he told me this, he said he wouldn't want to be quoted or identified as having said that.
(And also because he's the same man who believes an electrified fence surrounded by an alligator-infested moat is a reasonable immigration policy).

Thank heavens Herman Cain is very close with the voice of the American Muslim, and he is finally able to use this anonymous unverified source to reach a broad, sweeping generalization about an entire group of people. Because we all know how much Herman Cain loooooves anonymous, unnamed sources making serious allegations!

Chris Heath: You've said that you find it hard to be politically correct. Why do you find it hard?
Herman Cain: When you learn how to be politically correct, you sound like all of the other politicians.
(In that you actually make sense?)
Herman Cain: People like my directness and my bluntness. What happens when you become so worried about being politically correct, you find yourself not saying anything. Because you're trying to offend the least number of people. I'm trying to attract the greatest number of people. Different strategy.

Ummm, ok, so how does that work exactly? He says whatever his red meat-engorged heart desires and doesn't give a hoot if people get mad or who he offends because that will make, umm, more people like him??

Ow, my ladybrain hurts.

Chris Heath: Are you at all worried that you could say something that could derail everything?
Herman Cain: Uh, no. I could, but not worried about it. And if I did, so be it.
("Que Sera, Sera, Whatever Will Be, Will Be...")

Devin Gordon: So what's the final score card here? Which pizza was your favorite?
Herman Cain: The man pizza! The manly pizza! That was great. It was loaded; it had the great sausage on it. It had the mushrooms on it.
(But really it was the sausage.)
[Everybody rises to leave.]
Herman Cain: Hey, guys, I've enjoyed it. But it's been stressful. [laughs] That probably wasn't politically correct, was it?
Devin Gordon: Compared to Meet the Press?
Herman Cain: That was stressful!
Devin Gordon: We at least gave you pizza.
Herman Cain: Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did.

But you Herman Cain gave us much much more. All the manly sausage we ladyfolk could stomach. Oh, and whatever "meat" topping was on the pizza was pretty good too.

Guess you could say it was an offer we couldn't refuse.

Or at least if we wanted to keep our job, that is.

[image via Lisa F. Young/Shutterstock]

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Supremely Scary: Nine Rich, Old People In Robes To Decide Fate Of Nation's Health Care

Rejoice, America! Barack Obama's signature Socialist legislation, the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, a.k.a. Obamacare, which doesn't so much insure all Americans with actual health care as it does no longer allow billionaire health care executives to cackle wildly while doing the jitterbug on the sick, weakened bodies of children denied coverage, is finally heading to the Supreme Court, where nine men and women dressed in glorified Snuggies will rule on its Constitutionality, like whether your heart arrhythmia makes you 3/5ths what the white landowner with the robust, perfectly-beating heart next to you's worth.


But will the wonderful, infallible pro-slavery document of the late 1700s permit American citizens the right to not die, penniless and alone in the streets, even if it's not explicitly covered within its tattered, yellow pages of animal parchment?

From Reuters:
The Supreme Court agreed on Monday to decide the fate of President Barack Obama’s healthcare law, with an election-year ruling due by July on the healthcare system’s biggest overhaul in nearly 50 years.

The decision had been widely expected since late September, when the Obama administration asked the nation’s highest court to uphold the centerpiece insurance provision and 26 states separately asked that the entire law be struck down.
And then, if all goes well, drowned in a lake of brimstone and fire with the rest of the sinful acts of justice like Social Security, Civil Rights, and Voting Rights, where it belongs.
At the heart of the legal battle is whether the Congress overstepped its powers by requiring all Americans to buy health insurance by 2014 or pay a penalty, a provision known as the individual mandate.

Legal experts and policy analysts said the healthcare vote may be close on the nine-member court, with five conservatives and four liberals. It could come down to moderate conservative Justice Anthony Kennedy, who often casts the decisive vote.

The law, aiming to provide more than 30 million uninsured Americans with medical coverage, has wide ramifications for company costs and for the health sector, affecting health insurers, drugmakers, device companies and hospitals.

A decision by July would bring the healthcare issue to the heart of the presidential election campaign. Polls show Americans are deeply divided over the overhaul, Obama's signature domestic achievement.
Less divided are the fringe-right millionaire and billionaire business executives, who thanks to the biggest provisions of the law not taking effect until 2014, have a rare chance to completely erase the whole Obamacare "affordable insurance for everyone" fiasco before it actually happens.

But what about the people, you ask?

The people???

Ugh, to health with them!!

So, remember those death panels you keep hearing about?

It's called the Supreme Court.

[image via AP]

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Hey Ladies, Want A Job? Herman Cain's Got A Stimulus Package Designed Just For You!

Ah, remember the good old days when the conveniently vague, creepy sexual harassment accusations against everyone's favorite Black Walnut/Godfather of unwanted sexual advances Herman Cain were kept secret from the innocent, tender ears of the American people, so as to spare us the sordid details of all the gross sexytime things Herman Cain likes to say and do when harassing vulnerable, unsuspecting women looking for a job? (We know, we know, he just wanted to give her a position on his staff!).

Well thanks to Cain accuser #4, Sharon Bialek, it's blissful ignorance no more, my friends!
Sharon Bialek, accompanied by the celebrity lawyer Gloria Allred, became the first woman to publicly accuse the presidential candidate of sexual harassment, saying that she wants to “give a voice” to other women who might have been harassed by Mr. Cain during his tenure at the association.

Bialek detailed Cain's sexual overture, explaining that he spent money on a palatial hotel suite for her at the time of their meeting. When they saw each other in the evening, Bialek said he put his hand on her leg, "reached for [her] genitals" and pushed her head toward his crotch.

When Bialek objected, Cain asked her: "You want a job, right?"
After all, he is Herman Cain, America's premier job creator. Blow job creator, that is.

Bialek called on Cain to "come clean about what you did," saying: "Mr. Cain, I implore you, make this right."

Whatever do you mean, Sharon? Cain is already right when he continuously insists that those "harassment" charges are false, in that they are actually more like "assault."

Which is weird because Herman Cain always seemed so likeable, especially in non-rapey situations, like when preaching about electrocuting Mexicans, blaming poors for their own miserable, pathetic lives, and telling women what they can and cannot do with their tight li'l bods.

Almost as weird as not one, not two, not three, but four different women all having the very same ridiculous hogwash story about a man, no, make that a Herman, as perfectly innocent as every other serial sex harassing boss who helps a former employee get a job by groping her genitals. Herman Cain y'all!

From The New York Times:
In an interview after Ms. Bialek’s news conference, Joel P. Bennett, a lawyer for one of Mr. Cain’s anonymous accusers, said that Ms. Bialek’s claims were “very similar” in nature to the incident that occurred between his client and Mr. Cain.

“It corroborates the claim,” Mr. Bennett said of Ms. Bialek’s allegation. Asked whether that meant that Mr. Cain had physically touched his client inappropriately, Mr. Bennett said “I can’t get more specific” but added that “I can say it is corroborating.”
Ooooh, sounds sexy!

Oh, what, Uz no wanna Fucki-Fucki-Sucki-Sucki-Cain-Cain??


Gee, some people just can't take no for an answer. Least of all Herman Cain.

Because much like being a real presidential candidate, he's simply not Abel!

[image via AP]

Thursday, November 3, 2011

It's Halloween In (Corporate) America! Do You Have Your Homeless Person Costume Yet?

When you think of the perfect Halloween costume, usually the first thing that comes to mind is something that really captures the terrifying reality and unimaginable desperation of homeless people, with no food to eat, clothes to wear, or even a roof over their heads. Because, seriously, what makes you want to dive into a king size Snickers and satisfy that hunger more than the hilarious suffering of the most downtrodden and desperate among us?

Well, to the employees at the foreclosure mill law offices of Steven J. Baum, the answer is absolutely nothing, because people too pathetically poor and down on their luck to keep their homes are worthless, gross "others" who deserve nothing but scorn, mockery, and our deepest contempt.

Nevermind that these same employees, or at least the ones pictured above, look like your average legal assistants, secretaries, paralegals, administrative assistants, receptionists, file clerks and low-level litigators, and are all probably behind on their own mortgages and much closer to financial catastrophe than they'd care to admit (the firm is in freakin' Buffalo, after all). The point is that in order to keep these workers content to keep toiling away as wage slaves to this utterly evil law firm, and work tirelessly against the interests of the rest of the nation’s wage slaves, they must dehumanize their neighbors and fellow citizens fighting foreclosure as sub-human specimens unworthy of even the slightest tinge of mercy or compassion.

Which reminds me of another group of willing executioners innocent li'l lemmings who didn't mean to exterminate six million Jews as if they were the bubonic plague or anything, but were simply following orders!

From The New York Times:
On Friday, the law firm of Steven J. Baum threw a Halloween party. The party is the firm’s big annual bash. Employees wear Halloween costumes to the office, where they party until around noon, and then return to work, still in costume. I can’t tell you how people dressed for this year’s party, but I can tell you about last year’s.

That’s because a former employee of Steven J. Baum recently sent me snapshots of last year’s party. In an e-mail, she said that she wanted me to see them because they showed an appalling lack of compassion toward the homeowners — invariably poor and down on their luck — that the Baum firm had brought foreclosure proceedings against.

When we spoke later, she added that the snapshots are an accurate representation of the firm’s mind-set. “There is this really cavalier attitude,” she said. “It doesn’t matter that people are going to lose their homes.” Nor does the firm try to help people get mortgage modifications; the pressure, always, is to foreclose. I told her I wanted to post the photos on The Times’s Web site so that readers could see them. She agreed, but asked to remain anonymous because she said she fears retaliation.

Let me describe a few of the photos. In one, two Baum employees are dressed like homeless people. One is holding a bottle of liquor. The other has a sign around her neck that reads: “3rd party squatter. I lost my home and I was never served.” My source said that “I was never served” is meant to mock “the typical excuse” of the homeowner trying to evade a foreclosure proceeding.

A second picture shows a coffin with a picture of a woman whose eyes have been cut out. A sign on the coffin reads: “Rest in Peace. Crazy Susie.” The reference is to Susan Chana Lask, a lawyer who had filed a class-action suit against Steven J. Baum — and had posted a YouTube video denouncing the firm’s foreclosure practices. “She was a thorn in their side,” said my source.
Apparently, so is the New York Attorney General, who has already forced the criminal organization law firm to pay $2 million in fines to avoid further prosecution over its illegal (not to mention immoral) foreclosure practices. But much like any successful Mafioso, the low-level staffers who make the whole operation tick are taught to see their victims as worthless nobodies, feel nothing for those who suffer, and occasionally parade around as caricatures of the victims of their own unchecked greed.

This isn't a trick or treat, just American "corporate culture" in all its frightfully ghoulish transparency.

But it's not class warfare. Not at all. It's classy warfare. Sorry you poor pathetic schlubs don't understand the difference.

Now, if you don't mind, please lay your wretched, broken body down on the ground so I can walk across this puddle without ruining my new Jimmy Choos.  They cost me an arm and leg. And I don't mean that figuratively.

After all, the path to hell isn't paved with good intentions, it's paved with the sorrow, anguish, and liquor soaked foreclosure notices of the law firm of Steven J. Baum.


[images via New York Times]

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Newt Gingrich & Herman Cain To Compete In "Modified Lincoln-Douglas Debate," In That They Only Use 3/5ths Of Their Brains

Grab your Gideons, prep your muskets, sharpen your bayonets, throw on your colonial best and head on down to Houston, Texas for the can't-miss event of the year, the clash of two GOP presidential titans Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich. Wait, did I say can't miss?? Haha silly me! I meant can't watch, since no television network wants to touch that shit with a ten foot pole, forcing those who wish to watch two psychos prattle on about electrocuting Messicans, the tyranny of affordable health care, and why corporations are people but poors aren't, to use heave their obese, diabetic bodies into Humvees, pickup trucks, and Socialist Medicaire scooters and make the trek themselves! Now, that's some good, old fashioned American can-do spirit right there!

And much like Newt Gingrich's third mistress-turned-wife's penchant for Tiffany diamonds and Herman Cain's 999 tax plan/Godfathers pizza daily deal-o-rama, this Tea Party Patriot-sponsored Texas two-step don't come cheap!

General admission for what is being billed as a "modified Lincoln–Douglas debate," the modification, one can only assume, being that they both argue in favor of slavery, costs $200, although the price includes a slice of “good ole apple pie,” because apparently black walnuts is something Republicans want to elect president not use as filling for a round, deliciously moist, flaky pie.
"Then there’s the 'Patron Ticket,' which costs $500. Patron-level purchasers will get 'prime seating' and admission to a Nite Cap party after the debate, as well as a chance to mingle with the candidates over drinks and hors d’oerves afterward."
Oooh, as long as they are unregulated, uninspected, and untainted by dirty government hands (salmonella, she is a beauty), count me in!
"Top-level donors will pay $1,000 for the best seating in the house (panic room?), a special room at the Woodlands Resort in Houston for the Nite Cap party, and a 'professional picture' taken with the candidates."
By professional picture, I assume they mean gagged, bound, and forced into a naked pyramid complete with a dog leash around your neck, and your choice of semi-automatic weapon nudging you into position. Nothing says fun like an M16 Caliber 5.56 mm in your backside.

Or for those looking for something a little spicier, how about a nice slice of Godfather's latest, greatest culinary creation, Hot 'n Spicy Tex Mex pizza in honor of Herman Cain's similarly themed, similarly brilliant electrified border fence immigration policy: refried Mexicans.
"Students can get in for $150, but those tickets are sold out."
Funny, so did the students!!

So, the Texas Tea Party Patriots will host, blue-eyed nutjob Rep. Steve King will moderate (aka grunt, wink, and cheer when appropriate like talk of poor people dying, gay soldiers proudly serving their country, or the delightful execution Texas inmates), and Lincoln-Douglas will likely turn over in their graves as these two idiots take turns debating who loves Reagan 'n Jesus the most.
In background conversations, both campaigns say they look forward to the discussion. A source close to Gingrich tells the National Review that the former speaker will speak at length about his policy proposals and will, "in a friendly way," illustrate his differences with Cain.
"We initially wanted a forum with all of the candidates," O'Sullivan says. "But when we heard Gingrich say he wanted a more serious debate, like the Lincoln–Douglas debates, we wanted to do that, especially since watching the recent superficial debates has been frustrating."
Only if you value sanity, rationality, sensibility, intelligence and the ability to formulate a coherent sentence. So what the hell is the Republicans' problem with it?
Gingrich has been a long-time proponent of the Lincoln-Douglas debate style, because it gives candidates more time to have a detailed policy discussion. Gingrich has repeatedly said that if he were the Republican nominee, he would challenge President Obama to seven three-hour Lincoln-Douglas style debates.
Which is about 21 hours longer than necessary to reveal Newton's complete lack of knowledge on the workings of the federal government!

Either way, the important thing to remember is that on November 5th, Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich will return to that kindler, gentler time circa 1858 when a man was a man, and a black man was his property!

So how much would I pay to see this so-called modern-day Lincoln-Douglas debate?

Let's see, is there anything smaller than absolute zero? Ah yes, of course, Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich's combined IQs!

[image via AP]

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Show May Be Over, But Traitor Joe's Always Open For Business (If That Business Is Screwing Over Democrats)

There is nothing, I repeat, nothing Sen. Joe Lieberman enjoys more than crushing hopes and destroying dreams. Except maybe the occasional chance to kick a whimpering, defenseless puppy down the street or really stick it to Democrats, ya know, the party he joined in 1970 and represented as a vice presidential candidate in 2000, before deciding eh, why not go against everything I've ever stood for my entire life in some desperate, pathetic attempt to remain relevant, and retain my smooth, surprisingly large, perfectly manicured grip on power?

**Sigh** Oh, that Joe!

Well, according to the liberal rag/commie manifesto The New York Times, Benedict Lieberman has been taking meetings with the two main Republican primary challengers: ball bustin' World Wrestling Entertainment executive Linda McMahon who apparently didn't think $50 million was enough to waste on a losing campaign the first time around, and former Rep. Chris Shays, another old, endlessly frustrating New England moderate conservative who also loves beautiful war but at least understands which political party he belongs to. Which is more than we can say for ol' Joe!

On the bright side, at least Democrats don't have to worry that Joe will wake up with an actual conscious and endorse one of them (heavens forbid!), which would be probably be as helpful as a bite from a syphilitic hyena.
In the meantime, some Connecticut Democrats who are eyeing the party's nomination for his seat are not particularly interested in getting Mr. Lieberman's support. They seem wary of associating politically with a man who went from being the Democratic vice-presidential candidate in 2000 to backing Senator John McCain, Republican of Arizona, over Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential race.
Susan Bysiewicz, a former Connecticut secretary of state who is seeking the Democratic nomination for Senate, noted in an interview that Mr. Lieberman was unpopular with rank-and-file Democrats.
"Senator Lieberman's endorsement would not be helpful," she said, adding that she believed he was more closely identified with the Republicans these days.
Representative Christopher S. Murphy, a three-term Democrat who is also running for Mr. Lieberman's seat, said, "I'm not sure his support is relevant."
Hush it Murphy! You fool, you'll ruin everything!  If Lieberman finds out that endorsing a Democrat would be the quickest, most sure-fire way to screw over a Democrat, then that is just what he'll do.

And what more fitting way to bid adieu to our favorite Jewish Benedict Arnold than with a little Broadway ditty?
Go, go, go Joseph you know what they say (you're an asshole?)
Hang on now Joseph you'll make it some day (use those big, firm hands!)
Sha la la Joseph you're doing fine (for a loser pariah no one likes!)
You and your dreamcoat ahead of your time (well, technically it's a turncoat)

Go, go, go Joseph you know what they say (it's actually probably better if you don't)
Hang on now Joseph you'll make it some day (and by "it" we totally mean money!)
Sha la la Joseph you're doing fine (Hadassah still loves you!)
You and your dreamcoat ahead of your time (more like nightmarecoat for everyone else!)

Oh, fuck it, just...
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
[image via AP]

Monday, October 24, 2011

Michele Bachmann's Presidential Hopes Are Sinking So Fast, Her Entire New Hampshire Staff Decided To Jump Ship For Something Safer, Like The Titanic

America's favorite blue-eyed basket case Michele Bachmann is sure having a rough go at this whole running for president thing. Turns out, convincing more than 4.8 percent of the voting population that you are indeed just as capable of ruling the free world as being involuntarily committed to the local psych ward is a lot harder than it looks! (Remember to blink, Michele, remember to blink!).

And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than one of her debate performances, the unthinkable happens: her entire New Hampshire staff (all six of them!) upped and quit, because well, umm, do you really need to ask?
Staff members in New Hampshire for presidential candidate Michele Bachmann have resigned en masse, a Republican familiar with the situation said on Friday, in a fresh blow to her 2012 hopes.
All of the staffers, said to number six, resigned on Thursday, the Republican said.
New Hampshire's WMUR television said the reason given was due to the Bachmann campaign's lack of focus on New Hampshire, which holds the country's first primary election.
"It certainly underscores the impression that New Hampshire isn't a priority for her. She's totally written us off," said former Republican state legislator Fran Wendelboe.
That's because much like the pink unicorns, twinkling pixies, and dancing elves, they're nothing more than figments of her own, heavily medicated imagination!

But that's not it! Michele is such a loser, in fact, that even the hippie dippie liberal heathens of San Francisco couldn't be bothered enough to gather their Godless queer selves together and shout lame liberal things at her like why Mexicans have feelings too, and poor people shouldn't be forced to die in the streets as punishment for being such poor losers.

The San Francisco Chronicle reports:
Critics say the lack of any protest at Bachmann's Commonwealth Club appearance Thursday is a sign of the fading relevance of her campaign. The winner of the Iowa Straw Poll has just 4.8 percent support in the latest average of major polls by - sixth among the eight GOP presidential candidates. Former Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain is the front-runner with 26 percent.
Even San Francisco's most hard-core activists couldn't be bothered to protest Bachmann, who once said same-sex marriage was the most important issue facing the nation. She's against it.
"Maybe people are waiting for Herman Cain to come to town," said Tenoch Flores, a spokesman for the California Democratic Party.
Or maybe they are waiting for the paint to dry on the walls of their Castro apartment, or for their marijuana plants to grow, or for the warranty on their mufflers to expire, or for their water purifier to filter, or for their tofu burgers to grill, or for the next terrible natural disaster to strike, or to catch whatever strain of influenza is going around these days, all of which are still infinitely more exciting than waiting for Michele Bachmann.

Marcus, on the other hand, was welcomed with open arms.

[image via Wonkette]

Thursday, October 20, 2011

The Only Difference Between The Tea Party & Occupy Wall Street Is 235 Years Of Progress

So the Tea Party & Occupy Wall Street movements are not that different? OMG, so true! Just take away the inability to formulate a coherent sentence, add the ability to still move your massive, diabetic body with your own two legs, not the reinforced rubber wheels of your Socialist Medicare motor scooter, toss in your basic elementary school education, a firm grasp of the English language (including spelling and grammar rules), an equally firm grasp of reality (including a vague idea that Adolf Hitler's great crime wasn't insuring poor people and sick kids), throw in a splash of color to that sea of milky white, a hearty dose of tolerance, substitute swastikas for hash tags, replace racist, narrow-minded ignorance and rampant xenophobia with diversity, compassion, decency and justice, and voila!

They are one and the same, practically indistinguishable: Carbon-based life forms whose opposable thumbs enable them to hoist square or rectangular shaped pieces of cardboard with various words and messages scribbled to protest dark, nefarious forces destroying civilization as we know it.

Be it Black Presidents or Blackstone Financial.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Herman Cain Likes His Illegal Immigrants Much Like His Fast Food: Deep Fried!

Whether he's touting his foreign policy skills by grunting nonsense syllables like "Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan" or rescuing the nation's economy by changing from the gold standard of coins to the Godfather standard of pepperoni slices, and installing the wacko, fictional tax plan he stole from SimCity 4 that repeats the arbitrary number "9" three times while taxing the shit out of poor people, Herman Cain is full of brilliant ideas.
Kip Katsarelis, a senior producer for Maxis, the company that created the SimCity series, was excited that politicians may be looking to video games for ideas.
Adopting such a simple tax structure, Katsarelis said, would allow fantasy political leaders to focus their energy on infrastructure and national security. “Our game design team thought that an easy to understand taxation system would allow players to focus on building their cities and have fun thwarting giant lizard attacks, rather than be buried by overly complex financial systems.”
Of course! But what if those giant lizard attacks were more like scared, border-jumping Mexicans looking for a better life? Then what would Herman Cain do?

Why, just fry the illegal alien bastards to death with an electrified border fence. Easy peasy!

“It’s going to be 20 feet high. It’s going to have barbed wire on the top. It’s going to be electrified. And there’s going to be a sign on the other side saying, ‘It will kill you — Warning.’”

Oooh, sounds sexy! Charred Mexicans hanging over the entrance is a beautiful way to decorate America's borders! A "Teabagger Tapestry," if you will.   

But what if, for some reason, this miraculous deterrent still doesn't keep them away?

Can you say 2nd Amendment remedies, what what!?

From the New York Times:
The [border wall] remarks, which came at two campaign rallies in Tennessee as part of a barnstorming bus tour across the state, drew loud cheers from crowds of several hundred people at each rally. At the second stop, in Harriman, Tenn., Mr. Cain added that he also would consider using military troops “with real guns and real bullets” on the border to stop illegal immigration.
As a special bonus, Herman Cain's solution to securing our borders also doubles as his latest, greatest Godfather pizza topping sensation: Refried Mexican Beans!

¡Ay, Caramba!

[image via Every Joe]

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Forget "Small, Insignificant States" Like Uzbekistan, What America Really Needs Is A Small, Insignificant Statesman Like Herman Cain

Delusional pizza merchant and self-proclaimed delicious black walnut (he certainly is nutty!) Herman Cain, will not rest until every last second of his desperate, quickly expiring 15 minutes of fame (aka GOP presidential relevancy) is utterly and completely exhausted.

Which is why the rest of us are forced to endure Herman's non-stop, whirlwind media tour, letting the whole world know why being a gross gay is probably as much a choice as what unidentified, processed meat topping to slather atop your delicious 16 inch Godfather's pie, and why our nation's leader shouldn't know the first thing about, let alone correctly pronounce the name of one of those dumb, unimportant "other countries on Earth" nobody cares about, like the fictional land of magic elves, wizards, and military supply routes into Afghanistan, formerly called "Uzbekistan."
"I’m ready for the ‘gotcha’ questions and they’re already starting to come," Herman Cain said. "And when they ask me who is the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan I’m going to say you know, I don’t know. Do you know?"
Awww, snap! Dude must have gone to the Sarah Palin School of Gotcha Questions™ where they teach presidential hopefuls the proper way to prepare for a basic foreign policy "gotcha" question on a country with the largest military force in Central Asia that the United States would like to use as a strategic ally, by mocking it with a series of nonsense syllables because who needs real words to describe weird, foreigny places not named the United States of AmeriCAIN baby!? Woot, woot! Amiright?

Besides, I don't see Youbetikissedstan or whatever creating any jobs, do you?
"And then I’m going to say how’s that going to create one job? I want to focus on the top priorities of this country. That’s what leaders do. They make sure that the nation is focused on the critical issues with critical solutions. Knowing who is the head of some of these small insignificant states around the world I don’t think that is something that is critical to focusing on national security and getting this economy going. When I get ready to go visit that country I’ll know who it is but until then I want to focus on the big issues that we need to solve.”
Hells yeah! You tell 'em Herman! If they are "small, insignificant states," it's their own damn fault! C'mon, knowledge is for pussies and elitists, not proud Republican presidents of marginal pizza chains.

Besides, he'll Wikipedia that shit when (and only when!) he actually goes to that miserable beki beki hellhole, like the tourists, and leaders of the free toppings world do.

It's called diplomacy, Black Walnuts style, bitches!