Hey America, The Donald Knows What's Weird & It Isn't Whatever Died On Top Of His Head

America's most beloved human hairpiece and billionaire cartoon character THE Donald Trump took a break from the usual destroying people's lives and slathering Crisco on his already unnaturally orange body to assume his rightful place as the #1 undisputed authority on all things weird.

Even weirder is that his name was actually "Soetoro." But hey, fuggedaboutit!

Cause either way, da Donald is as classy and on-point as ever, calling out lame, no-good OBAMA for taking his stepfather's last name after his real father abandoned him (haha loser!) instead of handing him a New York real estate empire, like some other tremendous people he knows (ahem, ahem).

Wanna know what else is weird? When Barack Obama was 47, he was elected President of the United States. When The Donald Trump was 47, he was bankrupt. WEIRDER.

But the important thing is that when he was 18, people called him Donald Trump. To his face.

Otherwise, he was mostly known as COCKSUCKER/ASSHOLE/DOUCHEBAG/DIPSHIT.

Weirdo.

[image via Wonkette]

Texas College Republicans May Flunk Most Things, But They Sure Get An A In Racist Twitter Poetry

Holy Twit! Another day, another University of Texas Austin College Republicans President tweets something terrible and racist about President Obama, 4 like fun 'n stuff! Hooray!!

The wonderfully enlightened prose (for trailer trash in Amarillo) comes from the second University of Texas College Republicans President in as many months, talented poet-to-be, Cassie Wright. The first one, Lauren Pierce, was a gifted scholar of that other hilarious, popular genre of Republican poetry known as Obama "assassination jokes."

So the current President, Cassie Wright, not only decided to bless the nation with her brilliant observations, but also twatted out her momentary brain activity in adorable rhyme format! Maybe if the whole "college education" thing doesn't work out, Cassie could become the next great author of racist children's coloring books?

Although, to be fair, I'm pretty sure crack is not ever snorted, so Cassie should really consider hiring a fact checker before embarking on her next career as America's premier distributor of offensive, ill-informed propaganda in 140 (rhyming) characters or less. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, biatch!

Of course, a wiz like Cassie knows Social Media isn't just for tweeting dumb, racist nonsense about the President of the United States. Not at all! It's also for racial stereotyping, Cassie's (and apparently all College Republicans') all-time favorite activity on Earth.

On Facebook recently, Wright wrote that it was a “messed up world” because she was studying in the library while “the Asian guy next to me is watching America’s Next Top Model episodes on his laptop.”
When a commenter asked what being Asian had to with it, Wright responded:
“Because Asians study a lot…If you’re offended by my use of a stereotype then gtfo [get the f*** out].”

Ah yes, tomorrow's leaders.

My name is Cassie Wright, can you tell that I'm white?
I've got blonde hair and big tits, but no brain and even less wits. Holla

#everythingsdumberintexas #brasizeisbiggerthanIQ

Messed up world? GTFO!

No, seriously. The whole state. Please.

[image via Gawker]

Holy Twit! Kansas High School Student Won't Apologize For Saying Gov. Sam Brownback Sucks Harder Than A Topeka Twister

War of the Words (in 150 or less): Brownback v. Sullivan

Thin-skinned crybaby Kansas governor of creationism and trolling Twitter feeds for meany comments by teenage girls, Sam Brownback, has decided to stop harassing 18-year-old high school students and start slashing arts education and civil rights for gays like the wise, compassionate Republican statesman he is.

Which is good news because Kansas was almost becoming a desirable place to live, if you're the kind of person who enjoys illiterate, gun-crazed wingnuts telling you what you can or cannot do with your body, while 300 mph tornadoes whip around cattle, buildings, and any remnants of civilization not tied down.

And you better believe Gov. Sam Brownback intends to keep it that way. Which is why he decided not to continue his insane wingnut quest to destroy the life of Emma Sullivan, an 18-year-old Kansas high school senior and member of the Youth In Government program who, during a field trip to the state capital, tweeted a joke about Brownback's dumbass speech to the students: “Just made mean comments at gov brownback and told him he sucked, in person #heblowsalot.”

OMG, the nerve! #kidsarecrazythesedays!

The Kansas City Star reports:

She actually made no such comments. “Joking around,” Sullivan says of the incident. Brownback’s director of communication wasn’t amused when the tweet was spotted during the routine daily monitoring of comments on Twitter and Facebook mentioning the governor’s name.
“That wasn’t respectful,” responded Sherriene Jones-Sontag. “In order to really have a constructive dialogue, there has to be mutual respect.”
Brownback’s brief speech to the students encouraged them to “be active in their government, community and public service,” Jones-Sontag says.

Nevermind that Sam Brownback really does "suck" and according to most everybody with a functional brain and opposable thumb, also really "blows a lot." Sherriene Jones-Sontag is so right! The best way to encourage students to participate in government and community affairs is by forcing them to shut their fucking mouths and do as they're told. Respectfully.

Even better is for the Governor's staff to troll Twitter feeds of teenagers and upon finding an offensive (because it's true) joke about their very own wingnut imbecile Teabagger-in-Chief, call the schoolgirl's principal to demand an immediate apology and force her to pinky swear never to utter any meany words about a certain elected public official with a serious Napoleon complex ever ever again.

But being the smart liberal young gal she is and not the cretinous Teabagger paradigm for "What's the Matter With Kansas?" Emma Sullivan refused to write some dumb letter of lies apology to Gov. Brownback because for one thing, she isn't sorry and still thinks he's a big idiotface who totally blows.

Apparently in Kansas, sticking to your guns works, with the school already backing down, because seriously who needs this kind of publicity? Certainly not Shawnee Mission School District who decided that Emma Sullivan does not need to write a letter of apology and won’t face any repercussions. Instead, releasing a statement saying they've "reviewed recent events surrounding the reported tweet by Shawnee Mission East High School student Emma Sullivan" and "[acknowledged] a student's right to freedom of speech and expression is constitutionally protected."

Guess who else relented in the face of free speech cries about a person's constitutional right to Tweet? That's right, the very yellow-bellied Brownbacked wingnut Governor who started this whole brouhaha in the first place.

Oh, and turns out, it was all his stupid staff's fault for over-reacting to the tweet:

"My staff over-reacted to this tweet, and for that I apologize. Freedom of speech is among our most treasured freedoms.
"I enjoyed speaking to the more than 100 students who participated in the Youth in Government Program at the Kansas Capitol. They are our future.
"I also want to thank the thousands of Kansas educators who remind us daily of our liberties, as well as the values of civility and decorum.
"Again, I apologize for our over-reaction."

Haha, score one for Emma Sullivan who, despite everything you thought, is actually lucky to live in Kansas.

Hell, Rick Perry would've had her executed.

Don't worry, Brownback, it gets better! Except then I don't think we'd be in Kansas anymore.

[Images via Getty]

Master Of Delusion Newt Gingrich Buys Fake Twitter Followers To Go Along With Everything Else In His Life

OMG, LOLZ. White-haired swamp creature and master of the Twittervirse Newt Gingrich's presidential campaign may be on life support, but unlike his first wife, that doesn't mean ol' Newt's going to leave it to die, cold and alone, on a hospital bed.

Sure, his campaign is over $1 million in debt, the perpetual butt of all late-night talk show jokes, and he is consistently polling several points below "no one/none of the above" among likely GOP voters, but there's still one place Newt shines brighter than one of the Callista's precious Tiffany's diamonds: Twitter!

It's true! Just look at the 1.3 million living, breathing, carbon-based, life forms following Sir Newton's 140-character nonsense declarations about what he ate for lunch (pizza) and why illegal secret Muslim terrorist Socialists from Kendonesia are waaaaay worse for America than serial adulterers who lie, steal, cheat, and marry alien women who eat luxury jewelry, not food, for sustenance.

Oh wait! Turns out that a whopping 92% of Newt's alleged Twitter followers are actually not real at all, but rather comprised of the same fictional stuff Newt's presidential dreams are made of.

A new report suggests that 92 percent of Newt Gingrich’s 1.3 million Twitter followers are not real. The networking search firm PeekYou, which has been trying to determine the quality of Twitter audiences, examined Gingrich’s account. The firm uses 23 criteria—including name, location, and inbound and outbound links—to figure out which online users are real or fake. After analyzing each of Gingrich’s followers, they determined that only 106,055, or 8 percent, were real people. A spokesman for the company said, “The huge majority of his followers are either completely anonymous people who have no other Web presence, or they are spambots.”

Ooooh, so that's what Callista is! Let's just hope he doesn't lose the start-up disk for her, or he's screwed.

According to one of the Newt's corporate bought spambots former staffers:

Newt employs a variety of agencies whose sole purpose is to procure Twitter followers for people who are shallow/insecure/unpopular enough to pay for them. As you might guess, Newt is most decidedly one of the people to which these agencies cater.
About 80 percent of those accounts are inactive or are dummy accounts created by various “follow agencies,” another 10 percent are real people who are part of a network of folks who follow others back and are paying for followers themselves (Newt’s profile just happens to be a part of these networks because he uses them, although he doesn’t follow back), and the remaining 10 percent may, in fact, be real, sentient people who happen to like Newt Gingrich. If you simply scroll through his list of followers you’ll see that most of them have odd usernames and no profile photos, which has to do with the fact that they were mass generated. Pathetic, isn’t it?

Pathetic? Only if you live in reality, my friend, only if you live in reality. Besides, I'm almost positive that @Tiffany's Accounting Department is a real follower.

Meanwhile, a Gingrich campaign aide blasted the list-rigging claim, tweeting that it was "a false accusation which will hurt the feelings of 1.3 million people. #rude."

Yes, were sure @041113846806103's feelings are very hurt. In fact, he's probably crying himself to sleep(mode) as we speak.

Fox News Celebrates The Birth Of America By Tweeting The Death Of Obama

Howdy, America! While you were temporarily freed from the shackles of your office cubicle in order to patriotically guzzle beer, shove burgers into your mouth, and light sparkly red, white, and blue trinkets that explode in the sky in celebration of our nation's Independence from elitist accents, crumpets, bad teeth the British, Fox News was busy reminding us all why their network is the most freedom-loving, fair & balanced, trusted name in news by falsely tweeting that President Obama was assassinated.

Oh wait, turns out much like Anthony Weiner's weiner, they too can't say with "certitude" if the obscene Tweets in question were in fact their own, or the fiendish work of some devilish hackers who coincidentally decided to declare war on the tyranny of Fox News JURNLIZM on the very day our forefathers declared war on the tyranny of the British colonial rule some 235 years ago by announcing the (hilarious?) death of our 44th president.

Which is sort of a creepy joke to make, huh? But how did everyone know these Tweets (aka Fox News' wet dreams in 140 characters) were indeed faker than Glenn Beck's gold coins?

Certainly, they were consistent with Fox News' policy of reporting nothing but the non-truth, the whole non-truth, and nothing but the non-truth, so help them God!

After all, Obama wasn't in Iowa as the posts said, NOR IS HE DEAD.

A group, vaguely aligned with Anonymous and calling itself the Script Kiddies, (for those who don't live in their parent's basements writing code, "script kiddies" is a pejorative term for wannabe hackers) claimed responsibility for hacking the Fox News Twitter account, saying the group was formed to take part in the anti-security industry movement "antisec."

As to why the group chose Fox News:

"We are looking to find information about corporations to assist with antisec," said the Script Kiddies representative. "Fox News was selected because we figured their security would be just as much of a joke as their reporting,"

Ooops! Guess they shouldn't have used 'NOBAMA DIE' as their password. Gosh, didn't Sarah Palin teach them anything???

Naturally, Fox News did everything it could to stop this vicious rumor from further spreading, except of course take down the Tweets in question, either because they don't know how, or it's just nice to dream sometimes, and vowed to investigate the incident.

“Hackers sent out several malicious and false Tweets claiming that President Obama had been assassinated. Those reports are incorrect, of course, and the president is spending the July 4 holiday with his family. The hacking is being investigated, and FoxNews.com regrets any distress the false Tweets may have created.”

Yes, Fox regrets any distress caused by the President continuing to be alive. Apologies to everybody. What they do not regret however is the resulting gazillion clicks on their website, likely from the grief-stricken joyous Fox News viewers desperately seeking that elusive certificate of live birth death.

Ya know, for certitude.

President Barack Obama Becomes The Newest Politician To Tweet His Private Thoughts, Hopefully Not His Private Parts

Barack Obama, aka Barry from the block (Pennsylvania Ave, what what!) finally got around to installing the Twitter application on his Blackberry, probably now that the rest of the dorks in Congress have taken a collective, much needed break from incessantly tweeting fuzzy pics of their genitalia and other wonderful congressional delights in 140 characters or less.

Which, sadly, means the world may never know what kind of booze John Boehner prefers (whatever you got) or which gas-guzzling, environment-destroying, ridiculously dumb lawn mower contraption Chuck Grassley rides when not passing terrible laws or fighting for corporations' rights to fleece poor schlubs like me, you, and anyone else without endless hours of free time or acres of Iowa cornfields to pretend to mow, poorly.

But, noooooooooooooo!

Instead, we're stuck with the world's lamest Twitterer, BO tweeting about how "Being President is not as hard as being a father" instead of sending fun, exciting pictures of his package nestled cozily in its resting place below his golf shorts where a presidential penis ought to be.

So thank you "Body Odor" for letting everyone know that being a parent is harder than being a president. Turns out, it's also more rewarding! Probably because when he tells Sasha and Malia what's going on, he doesn't also have to explain basic math, grammar, economics, history, science, geography, and the basic laws of the universe every single damn time, over and over again, as though it were the first time they've ever heard of anything, other than Socialism and Fox News.

Because being president is like dealing with millions of kids in diapers except substitute kids in diapers for old, racist white people with Alzheimer's.

So, umm, mind if we take that terrible job leading the Earth, then?

But before we're too hard, let's not forget that BO is new to this whole type 140 characters onto a keypad and press enter thing. He doesn't yet understand the point of Twitter isn't to share random, profanity-free thoughts about your current employment situation, inform people on upcoming campaign events, offer ways to improve the economy, or anything boring and substantive like that.

Tsk, tsk! Dumb rookie!

Obama will just have to learn to stick to tweeting rambling, incoherent, often inflammatory gibberish he simply invented, or better yet, pulled out of his ass that the lamestream media can then endlessly obsess over and gleefully call "breaking news stories." Or just call Sarah Palin for help, because you betcha she is already very good at the whole spewing nonsense stuff.

Or if you're really desperate (like John McCain/Newt Gingrich desperate), just snap a pic or two of the biggest Boehner and/or Weiner you can find, which will likely be sobbing like a schoolgirl on the nearest golf course, and local rehab facility, respectively.

Anthony Weiner's Weiner Still Works, Is Still All Over The Internet, & Is Still A Big, Throbbing Distraction

Another day, another pathetic, sadsack politician feeling the heat because he couldn't keep it in his pants, or in this case, off Andrew Breitbart's pervy iPhone.

And this time, the no-longer-contained-in-boxer-briefs weiner in question belongs to none other than aptly named New York congressman Anthony Weiner, who apparently managed to put his wonderful, web-cruising weiner in his wife at least once, recently, when not taking pictures of it to send to strangers on Twitter.

Which is, umm, good because now Mrs. Weiner, Huma Abedin, is three months pregnant, presumably with his spawn, unless of course Huma was also slyly chat rouletting her hooha to complete strangers on the internet.

So yes, America's modern-day Bill Clinton (Democrats + Erections + Internets = William Jefferson Clinton) Anthony Weiner and his grand ambition to seduce strangers with unsolicited sausage shots become mayor of New York City is likely over, for now at least, and quite possibly his political career in general.

Unless, the American people are willing to forgive Sir Weiner for his sexting and shlong sending sins, which of course can only be accomplished by crying like a little schoolgirl and tearfully admitting (with certitude!) that yes, that is indeed his bulging groin in question and yes he, not some mysterious hacker, did send them to a lady or six, to a roomful of reporters on national teevee.

Since in typical Democratic fashion, Anthony forgot to read the sex scandal manual and didn't actually sex any of the half-dozen or so random ladies in question, hike the Appalachian trail to hot Argentinian mistresses, catch BJs from an intern, bang prostitutes, wear diapers, misuse public funds, or break any laws, but rather just tempted them with a bunch of embarrassingly lame, grade-school photos of a peen snuggled cozily in gray boxers, he has no plans to resign from office.

“I have made some terrible mistakes,” Weiner told reporters. “I have not been honest.”
Mr. Weiner said that after he sent the underwear photo on Twitter on May 27, “Once I realized I had posted it on Twitter I panicked, I took it down and said I’d been hacked.”
He added, “To be clear, the picture was of me, and I sent it.”
Mr. Weiner said he had inappropriate communications with six women over the past three years as part of a “consensual exchange of e-mails” with the women.

Awww, how sweet! But even this tearful admission doesn't change the fact that Weiner has acted like, well, a colossal Weiner these past few days, using the internet as his own personal X-Rated Sexy Lady Sims Game, then lying about for days once he got caught, and pretty much acting like an all-around jackass (even more so than usual) on some whirlwind, inexplicable media blitz to make himself appear even guiltier than everyone already assumed.

On the bright side, Weiner did manage to knock up his wife while digitally frolicking with random women in cyberspace (yay?), plus he most likely didn't violate House rules by using congressional resources to send said dick pics to his various ladyfriends (save for the $1.50 or so it cost to sex-chat one of 'em on his official congressional phone), and is one of the few politicians to accomplish the rare feat of getting caught in a humiliating, possibly career-ending sex scandal that doesn't actually involve sex.

And the Weiner is...

Tony's Tiger...It's Grrrrrreat!

In Megyn Kelly's World, Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, They Make A Fox News Segment!

Fox News reporter Megyn Kelly has a question: "A man beats a 100 pound woman into a coma over a parking space. He claims she deserves it. Could he be right? In Kelly's Court!"

I don't know, could he be right? Wait, did you say it was over a parking space? So, umm, in that case, no probably not. Why are you even asking that, Megyn? What the hell is wrong with you anyway, ya freak bitch!?

Oh, and in normal people's court, Megyn, it is customary to at least get your facts straight when Tweeting idiocy about angry men punching petite ladies into comas over parking spots. Because, here's the thing, Oscar Fuller never claimed Lana Rosas deserved to be beaten into a coma. His excuse was "she hit first" and he hit back "out of reflex."

Oh well! Guess that's why it's called Kelly's Court!

So the moral of the story is never trust anyone with two first names.Especially when one of them is misspelled.

And just remember ladies, try not to do anything that might get you punched unconscious!

Oh yeah and Happy Women's Day!

Holy Twit! Twitter Refuses To Verify Scott Walker's Account; But Was Able To Verify His Asshole Status

Famous people like Charlie "Tiger Blood" Sheen, Rahm "9½ Fingers" Emanuel, and Sarah "Lou" Palin have "verified" Twitter accounts, meaning their ghostwritten 140-character thoughts, ruminations, and random profanity-laced outbursts are honored with a little green check mark next to their name, proving that they are indeed the awesome celebrities they claim to be (or, at least, the publicity people or personal assistants actually responsible for Twatting the nonsense), and not just some middle-aged shmuck in his parent's basement banging away at the keyboard instead of an actual woman.

Then, there's union-gobbling Wisconsin Kochsucker Scott Walker, who, along with his dedicated staff, took a break from waging an unseemly Republican-fueled war on teachers, police officers, firefighters, and every other miserable middle-class sadsack without a trust fund in his or her name, to kindly request that Scott Walker’s stupid Twitter account be verified as the official celebrity account of Wisconsin's wretched new baseball bat-wielding, blue collar busting governor (of rich people), Scott Walker.

Turns out, much like the rest of the Badger State, the people over at Twitter apparently can't stand the bastard either, and basically told Walker to f-off without even needing all 140 characters to do it!

"We've tried to get the Governor's account verified through Twitter," said a spokesperson for Walker's office yesterday afternoon. The office sent a request to Twitter via fax on official letterhead last week to prove legitimacy of the @GovWalker account, the spokesperson told ClickZ News.
"With all the attention surrounding the Governor…it was kind of important for us to get his account verified. There are a lot of impersonations."
Yet, despite Walker's emergence on the national political stage in the midst of his fight with Wisconsin Senate Democrats and public unions, Twitter turned down the Governor's request.
"They sent us back a canned response" via fax stating the company is not currently verifying "for members of the public," said the spokesperson.

Excuuuuuse me?? Not verifying for members of the public?? How rude!! Sir Scott Walker isn't just some scumsucking, 9-5 schlubby "member of the public" who devotes his miserable life to trivial, unimportant things like teaching our public school children to read, write, and not get embarrassingly duped into saying dumb, terrible things by liberal bloggers posing as one half of the über rich, über evil rightwing duo affectionately known as the Koch Daddies Koch Brothers.

As if!

He just so happens to be the driving force behind Wisconsin's insane, one-man, full frontal assault on any semblance of fair pay or a decent life for the poor sops who make a living teaching your bratty kids how to make proper change for a dollar, not make a killing dumping toxic waste into our precious rivers and lakes.

He's Scott Walker, God damn it!

But c'mon, you understand don't you, Scott? Verify one random jerk and before you know it, you have to verify every random jerk with a Koch/Coke problem, be it the old-fashioned Charlie Sheen kind, or the equally intoxicating, just as pricey, pure, white Republican overlord kind.

But, don't worry, Scott, verified account or not, one thing's for sure: you're still a giant Twat!

Supreme Court Rules Wacko Westboro Church's Picketing Soldiers' Funerals Is Free Speech; Sadly Same Goes For Sarah Palin's 140-Character Ghostwritten Tributes To Herself

When not granting sleazy mega corporations the same rights, privileges, and fabulous new ability to donate as much cold, hard cash to political campaigns as your average Snuggie-wearing schlub on the sofa stuffing Pringles in his mouth, the Supreme Court is busy doing other vital things, like coming thisclose to unanimously ruling in favor of the right of Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church to shriek outside gay soldiers' funerals with signs that say "God Hates Fags" and "AIDS Cures Fags" because of like freedom of speech or whatever.

It would have been unanimous, if not for the lone dissent of fearless, temper tantrum-throwing Justice Samuel Alito, who never misses a chance to disrupt a State of the Union address by NObama, or give the government more power over individual liberties, including the freedom to spew vile, racist shit at grieving loved ones of slain soldiers or innocent Muslim families and their children en route to charity events.

In his dissent, Justice Alito likened the Westboro Baptist Church protest to 'fighting words,' which are not protected by the First Amendment. “Our profound national commitment to free and open debate is not a license for the vicious verbal assault that occurred in this case.”

“In order to have a society in which public issues can be openly and vigorously debated,” he wrote, “it is not necessary to allow the brutalization of innocent victims.”

Au contraire, Sammy, ya sensitive shmuck! That's why you don't get to carry the big gavel, like Dr. Roberts over here. How you like them fightin' words?

Speaking for the majority, Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. said, “Speech is powerful. It can stir people to action, move them to tears of both joy and sorrow, and — as it did here — inflict great pain.”

“Debate on public issues should be robust, uninhibited and wide-open" (just like Bristol Palin!), because “speech on public issues occupies the highest rung of the hierarchy of First Amendment values.” 

"But, we cannot react to that pain by punishing the speaker. The national commitment to free speech requires protection of even hurtful speech on public issues to ensure that we do not stifle public debate.”

OMG, so true! I mean how else would Sarah Palin be able to contribute factually incorrect ghostwritten ruminations on her own terrible, conjured up victimization in 140-delightful characters or less? Because the important thing here is that it is now legal to say “God Hates Fags” and “Thank God For Dead Soldiers” in public, but private citizen, living legend, andconstitutional scholar Sarah Palin is not allowed to say “God” at all.

Who is this “we” she’s talking about? Lou Sarah? Another one of her various super secret Twitter accounts? And what is this public square of which she twats? The abandoned old parking lot of the Assembly of God church in downtown Wasilla?

Everyone knows Sarah Palin invokes God whenever and wherever she can round up a bunch of horny unemployed men with greasy hair to wave American flags and shout about taking back our country from no-good Secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist Presidents from Kendonesia!

Nobody, I said, nobody, but especially not some fruitcake in a potato sack is gonna take away her God-given right to talk about the God that loves her the most of all.

God doesn’t hate gays. He hates Muslims! And people who don’t like Sarah Palin.

In related breaking news, the Supreme Court unanimously upheld Sarah's "persecution/victim/narcissist complex" in the landmark case Sarah Palin v. Planet Earth.

Julian Assange & John Galliano Don't Have A Jewish Problem, All Their Problems Just Happen To Be Jews!

What is with the Jews these days? The damn yids just cannot stop forcing otherwise renowned, well-respected, wealthy, international middle-aged men (of mystery), notably John Galliano and Julian Assange, to say terrible, bigoted, ignorant things about them in bars, interviews, and other public places vicious anti-Semitic rants are typically discouraged.

Apparently, killing Christ just wasn't enough for the greedy bastards!

First, they shystered Christian Dior creative director and real life Mugatu, John Galliano, into innocently proclaiming "I love Hitler" before reasonably informing the Jewish couple sitting next to him in a Paris bar, "People like you would be dead. Your mothers, your forefathers, would all be f****** gassed."

Ooh La La! Looks like someone's extra foam, no whip, skim soy chai latte didn't agree with him this morning, huh?

Hopefully, there will be more of an appreciation for weirdly androgynous flaming fashionistas who look like the bizarre love child of Salvador Dali, John Waters, General Franco and Cher after a wild, drug fueled orgy weekend in Ibiza, at his posh new rehab treatment center. Which is all the rage for racist mustachioed wrecks who get smashed and start shrieking about Final Solutions and five-inch stilettos in the wee days before Fashion Week.

Haute Couture? Haha, more like Hate ze Jew!

Which brings us to the other dapper, albeit androgynous, albino lad from across the pond, Wikileaks founder and serial condom breaker, Julian Assange, who has simply had it up to here with all the Jews and Queers conspiring together trying desperately to bring him down. (Or was it to go down?)

In a phone conversation with Ian Hislop, editor of the British satirical and current affairs magazine Private Eye, Julian Assange furiously complains about an anonymous Private Eye story criticizing Wikileaks' association with its Russia representative, a raving anti-Semite and holocaust denier rather confusingly (and ironically!) named Israel Shamir.

Turns out, Assange wanted Hislop to know that he'd barely even met Shamir, and that Private Eye had been taken in (the dumb bastards!) by a cabal of reporters for the Guardian who hate Assange and who happen to all be total Jew faces, complete with devil horns.

So, umm, touché?

[H]e went on to say that we were part of a conspiracy led by the Guardian which included journalist David Leigh, editor Alan Rusbridger and John Kampfner from Index on Censorship—all of whom "are Jewish."
I pointed out that Rusbridger is not actually Jewish, but Assange insisted that he was "sort of Jewish" because he was related to David Leigh (they are brothers-in-law). When I doubted whether his Jewish conspiracy would stand up against the facts, Assange suddenly conceded the point. "Forget the Jewish thing."

Already forgotten, Julian!

Moving on, then.

The other thing about the whole Jewy and sort-of-Jewy people who are out to get him is that they are all total homos, too! Just ask ol' Jul!

"The reporters on the Guardian disappointed me," he continued. "They failed my masculinity test." (Wait, what?) "They behaved like gossiping schoolgirls," he said.

Oh, I get it! The way you pass Julian Assange's masculinity test is by looking like an effeminate silk-scarf wearing weirdo, while secretly Wikileaking your man seed hither and yon, in unsuspecting ladies' hoohas until there's a li'l Julian in every part of the globe, on as many continents as humanly possible.

OMG, quick someone alert the Republicans! Finally, a reason to keep abortion legal the whole world can get behind!

Though, knowing the Jews, they've already trademarked, patented it, and turned a tidy profit off it.

Naturally, Assange disputed the Private Eye report on his WikiLeaks Twitter feed, saying, Mr. Hislop had “distorted, invented or misremembered almost every significant claim and phrase."

"It is serious and upsetting. Rather than correct a smear, Mr. Hislop has tried to justify one smear with another."

“That he has a reputation for this, and is famed to have received more libel suits in the U.K. than any other journalist as a result, does not mean that it is right,” Assange said. “WikiLeaks promotes the ideal of ‘scientific journalism’ — where the underlying evidence of all articles is available to the reader precisely in order to avoid these type of distortions. We treasure our strong Jewish support and staff, just as we treasure the support from pan-Arab democracy activists and others who share our hope for a just world.”

Yes, a just world where you are what your brother-in-law is, which may be a Jew, a gay, a Nazi, a secret Muslim terrorist, or in Julian's case, a total asshole.

And anti-Semitism isn't an archaic, outdated relic of an ignorant and tragic past, but the hottest new hashtag trending on Twitter.

Right after #CharlieSheenCokeWhores, of course!

Walk Like An Egyptian...Loudly, Relentlessly, & With An iPhone Twitter App Toward Democracy!

The Egyptian Revolution may not be televised (America don't take too kindly to Al Jazeera in her parts!) but it will most definitely be Facebooked and Tweeted and re-Tweeted ad nauseum.

Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, we're free at last!

Err, kind of.

I mean, Hosni Mubarak did finally step down as Egypt's default president-for-life, but not before first giving ridiculously offensive quitting speeches pretending to leave, a number of times, only to decide, eh, on second thought, he kind of likes this whole all-powerful, ruthless leader thing.

But lo and behold, the arrogant, grumpy old man and only Grandfather Egypt has known for the last thirty years finally decided the largest country in the Arab world has had enough Daddy Warbucks Mubarak (maybe the massive, nonstop rioting protesters tipped him off), and would be better served
maybe letting someone else be absolute ruler for a while.

Maybe even the whole Egyptian Army since they seem to love repressive police states so much!

According to the BBC:

Hosni Mubarak has decided to step down as president of Egypt.
In an announcement on state TV, Vice-President Omar Suleiman said Mr Mubarak had handed power to the military.
It came as thousands massed in Cairo and other Egyptian cities for an 18th day of protest to demand Mr Mubarak’s resignation.
Protesters responded by cheering, waving flags, embracing and sounding car horns. “The people have brought down the regime,” they chanted.

Hooray! The Egyptian Revolution is victorious! Which is really quite an achievement after only a few measly weeks of rag-tag yelling and shrieking in 140 characters or less. All hail the Twitter!

So now that ol' Hosni M is gone, the real question becomes, what happens next?

Will pure democracy just suddenly bloom like the beautiful begonia of freedom George W. Bush so bravely planted in Iraq?

Or will the Great Pyramid Party of 2011, Egyptapalooza's non-stop freedom bash be followed by the long, complicated, seemingly impossible process of constitutional negotiations between the people, Army, the Muslim Brotherhood, moderate/progressive opposition groups, business leaders, foreign powers, and all other concerned interests over the next year or so before anything even approaching free elections and/or a stable and responsive political system emerges?

Umm, yeah, most likely.

But until then, doesn't it make you feel all warm 'n fuzzy to know that something called the "The Supreme Council of the Egyptian Military Forces" now has complete control of the nation?

And all these military leaders have to do now is draft a new system of government that ably represents the demands of 80 million people unfamiliar with the democratic process in one of the most strategically important nations on Earth en route to supervising the constitutional transition of power!

Yeah, like that should be difficult.

Per usual, President Obama said all the right things, praising the peacefulness of the protesters, the restraint of the military, the emergence of a "new generation with boundless aspirations," and a transition that brings "all of Egypt's voices to the table."

And not surprisingly, the United States government has pledged to help where it can, but let's be serious. As long as the oil's pumping and our massive tankers don't run into any problems going through the Suez Canal, ol' Uncle Sam is pretty much cool with anything.

Hell, if Egypt ends up under the permanent rule of a Supreme Repressive Military Authoritarian Islamist Junta of Death, Sharia, and How To Lose A Democracy In Ten Days, but still manages to keep our gas-guzzling luxury SUVs filled with delicious petroleum, then that's good enough.

So be it!

Good thing, America's other, real president of social networking, Sarah Palin, understands that the U.S. of A can't just go around, supportin' freedom and the rule of Democratic law everywhere there's a protest and a pyramid.

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“We want to be able to trust those who are screaming for democracy there in Egypt, that it is a true sincere desire for freedoms. And the challenge that we have though, is how do we verify what it is that we are being told?”

Certainly not by listening to the shrieks of lamestream media, or Lord Allah forbid, evil Al Jazeera media elite terrorists!

“So now the information needs to be gathered and understood as to who it will be that fills now the void in the government. Is it going to be the Muslim Brotherhood? We should not stand for that, or with that or by that. Any radical Islamists, no that is not who we should be supporting and standing by. So we need to find out who was behind all of the turmoil and the revolt and the protests so that good decisions can be made in terms of who we will stand by and support.”

So true, SarBear! After all, a secular pragmatist like Sarah Palin knows that God should NEVER have an influence on politics or government or law and order.

And certainly not if that God happens to go by the ridiculous name Allah.

Jesus Christ, no!

I mean, it's not like weirdo Egyptians have feelings or anything. Besides, everyone knows those people couldn't truly want Democracy. Duh! They're Muslim.

For Once Sarah Palin Actually Stands On The Right Side Of History; Like Always She Manages To Offend Us All

Retired snow bunny, current reality teevee star, and president of Twitterbook, Sarah Louise Palin, is trying her very hardest to be taken seriously as a real, electable politician! Mostly by alternating her precious time pallin' around bein' free with Kate Gosselin in majestic, wild Alaska and tweeting 140-character gibberish no one understands all so she can one day become President of America on behalf of all Mama Grizzlies who love Jesus 'n freedom 'n underage teenage pregnancies 'n stuff.

Oh, you betcha!

So, it comes as no surprise that Miss Thang decided to do the proper, professional, presidential thing and let the whole world know her very important opinion on the recent repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell...by re-Tweeting some weirdo rightwing lezzie columnist's Tweet about 'homos' and how microblogging is turning the entire nation into one collective special needs precious li'l miracle named Trigger.

Apparently, Alaska's hellchild Sarah Palin does have tons of gay and lesbian friends! Particularly random, like-minded righties she's never actually met nor heard of 'til now, who just so happen to be one of them awful gays!

From conservative pundit (and secret Sarah Palin BFF) Tammy Bruce's Twitter:

But this hypocrisy is just truly too much. Enuf already—the more someone complains about the homos the more we should look under their bedTue Jan 04 03:12:46 via webTammy Bruce
HeyTammyBruce

OMG, like so true! Everyone knows that those who utterly hate the terrible gross gays the absolute mostest and loudest, and want nothing more than to keep their awful AIDS spreading paws away from the sacred altars and out of the perfectly straight military are usually the ones who end up being terrible gays themselves, or at the very least, the ones with all the secret gay stuff stashed "under their bed."

Everyone including Sarah Palin, that is.

Oooh, how delightful! America's #1 favoritest Twatter of dumb, indecipherable nonsense on important social policies has decided to break her "silence" on the not-really-controversial-except-among-other rabidly-homophobic-probably-also-homosexual-Republicans, Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, by re-tweeting some conservative dyke's profound 140-character thought about the "Homos" and their "beds."

Hooray for freedom and fags!

Except umm, SarBear, here's the thing. While homos the whole nation over are simply delighted, no, make that overjoyed, that the usually reliably bigoted wench of Wasilla is suddenly totally cool with the terrible gays and lesbians prancing around serving (and servicing!) America's Armed Forces, now that they are legally permitted to do so, it is still considered somewhat distasteful for anyone, let alone a major political figure reality teevee star who is also VERY straight to use the word "homos," or quote its use in any way, even if it is in a vague, semi pro-gay rights context.

Not even Sarah Palin, who owns the entire state of Alaska!

Because unless Mama Grizz wants to throw on a pair of khakis and baggy flannel shirt, throw out the lipstick, and go down on Miss Tammy Bruce, she probably shouldn't be tossing the word "homos" around like the new Lilith Fair CD among a group of San Fran dykes on bikes.

This f**kin' woman! I mean, she would come out for gay rights in a way that pisses off the vast majority of gay people, wouldn't she?

Of course she would! Then again, why on God's green earth would anyone expect professionalism from dingbat Sarah Palin, of all people?

Enuf already!

Is Everyone's Fave Straight-As-A-Southern-Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham About To Be Outed As A Deviant, Army Distracting Homosexual?

South Carolina's favorite sexually ambiguous native son, lifelong bachelor, and lesbian look-a-like senior Senator Lindsey Graham is always reliably against deviant homosexuals having any basic human rights in America because well, Lindsey's a Republican, y'all!

And not just any gay-bashin' war lovin' rough 'n tumble conservative from below the Mason-Dixon line, but a certain effeminate, never-been-married gent (which pretty much proves everything), whose been hounded by gay rumors ever since he first pranced on the political scene back in the '90s when Right Said Fred was still doing his little turn on the catwalk.

Sadly, despite all of Lindsey's noble efforts to distance himself from the hideous queers by trying desperately to keep them away from America's sacred heterosexual altars and military barracks, the rainbow rumors just won't go away!

Even his convincing declaration in a 2009 New York Times Magazine interview, "I ain't gay" isn't enough to keep the not-at-all-suspicious spring out his perfectly straight step.

To make matters even worse, gay rights activist and world famous outer of closeted, hypocritical, self-loathing politicians, Mike Rogers, claims to have "pictures of a man who spent the night" with Sen. Lindsey Graham, which is absolutely CRAZY because everyone knows Republicans cannot be gay because of Jesus 'n the bible 'n stuff.

But Mike Rogers' Twitter account says otherwise:

I wonder if Lindsey Graham knows I have pictures of a man who spent the night at his house. pls RT
– 10:57 AM Dec 18th
Just reached lawyer at home. Meeting set for Tues. on releasing pix of man who spent night at Lindsey Graham’s.
– 11:05 AM Dec 18th

But what ever does Mr. Rogers (sorry, I couldn't resist) mean by "pictures of a man who spent the night" at Graham's house? Pictures of his secret little boy toy/luggage handler scurrying furtively from his front porch wearing nothing but a silk robe and slippers? Candid shots of a loving embrace, steamy goodbye kiss or otherwise compromising position of the Senator and his special man friend?

Perhaps it was just his bestest friend in the whole world, John McCain, paying his fellow Grand Old Patriot a friendly visit for a quick round of Twister while discussing all the terrible "gay distractions" swirling around the old man's deranged, rapidly deteriorating mind?

Because one thing America will not, cannot afford is all these God-awful "gay distractions" causing once full-bodied, straight-as-an-arrow soldiers to suddenly go gay crazy, start blowing one another, only to get their limbs blown off and turn the entire United States Armed Forces into a bunch of limbless sissies, who'd probably be waving not mighty, beautiful red, white, and blue stars 'n stripes, but hideous rainbow and pink triangle flags.

If only they still had their arms.

Forget Russia, Sarah Palin Can Sue Sweden From Her Backyard!

Sarah Palin knows she has what it takes to be President of the bestest, most God blessed, freedom-lovingest country in the whole wide world, the United States of Jesus Christ's America, because unlike that no-good NObama, she knows how to sue evil, arugula-eating lamestream media blogs who leak her sensitive documents all over the Internets.

It's true!

I mean why can't the U.S. military simply stop every single one of its strictly heterosexual soldiers, like say, Palin's other oddly named non-special needs son Track, from leaking sensitive, classified documents to Wikileaks the way Sarah singlehandedly stopped the website Gawker from publishing unauthorized excerpts of her newest ghostwritten book ode to herself, America By Heart??

Probably because Sarah Palin is not currently commander-in-chief, duh! All you have to do is repeat on a respectable news site the same logic she attempted on Twitter, and viola! it almost makes sense:

Sarah Palin was able to get a federal judge this month to stop a website from publishing unauthorized excerpts of her book. Now, she wants to know why the White House couldn’t put the breaks on Sunday’s WikiLeaks document dump, Politico writes.

Hear that people? Sarah Palin's Twitter Account would like to know why exactly NObama's White House couldn't stop WikiLeaks release of 250,000 documents when she, Snow Goddess of Wasilla, was easily able to get a federal judge to stop Gawker from publishing terrible, embarrassingly written excerpts from her book several days before its release, with little more than a wink, growl and millions of dollars in legal fees.

“Inexplicable: I recently won in court to stop my book ‘America by Heart’ from being leaked," she tweeted, "but US Govt can't stop Wikileaks' treasonous act?”

By "stop" Sarah, of course, means "drop a predator drone missile on."

What is even more inexplicable, however, is that Constitutional scholar Sarah Palin doesn't seem to understand that while America may be her (and Jesus') favoritest country in the whole world who can smart bomb all the evil Muslims it wants anytime, anyplace, anywhere, sadly, its wonderful system of laws (including treason, the only crime defined in the Constitution) does not apply to other sovereign nations like Sweden, where the founder of WikiLeaks is located, because a foreigner cannot commit treason against the United States. That's reserved for citizens, and whatever Joe Lieberman is considered, only.

Whoops.

Oh and also, Sar, in America we have this little thing known as the “Freedom of the Press” which includes the right to be free from prior restraints aka oppressive censorship or stopping publications and communications before they even have a chance to reach the public.

So there you have it Sarah...that's why the black man can't do anything about this right now.

Inexplicable: Obama managed to have his Portuguese water dog Bo neutered, but SarahPalinUSA can't keep her dumb clan of grizzly cubs from spawning all over the place??

Please, please, dear God, let this woman become President so she can be in charge of all pointless wars everywhere, sue the dickens out of evil blogs like Gawker for freedom, and run our government the way it it is supposed to be run:

In 140-special-needs-characters or less. On Twitter...from her snow-covered back porch in the middle of the frozen Arctic tundra.

Oh, you betcha!

Unemployed Strategist Meghan McCain Wants To Use Her Big Breasts, Err, Brain To Help Republicans "Kick Obama's Ass" In 2012

OMG, alert the press! Alleged political pundit, "Dirty Sexy Politics" author, and racy boob Twitpic extraordinaire Meghan McCain is currently available as a "strategist" for the 2012 elections, just in case any Republicans would like some help losing their various presidential bids.

But act fast because this dynamo political mind, which went a whopping 1-for-5 in election night predictions (Christine O'Donnell, really??), won't last long!

“I made some predictions. I am now zero and four… I’m actually a pretty good blackjack player, but I made, I was like, ‘Meg Whitman’s gonna win, Sharron Angle all the way! And Meg Whitman, yeah!”

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about, yeah!! Or in blackjack terms, I'm pretty much what you'd call a total bust, yeah! Woohoo! Perhaps I should just stick with sending out Twitter pics of my massive, bountiful breasts, yeah!

Word on the street is everyone who's anyone is already clamoring to snag Meggy's brilliant, one-of-a-kind political mind, and solicit her savvy services...Just ask Meghan!

From Politico:

Speaking at the Miami Book Fair International to promote her book, "Dirty Sexy Politics," the daughter of Sen. John McCain expressed an interest in working as a Republican "strategist."
"I've already had people interested in me working, which is unbelievably flattering," McCain said. "I want to go out and do it all over again with somebody else — I want to go get a Republican elected. I want to kick Obama's ass the next election and get a Republican elected."

OMG, totes! Meghan will help you "kick Obama's ass," just like she did in 2008!

Or better yet, why doesn't adorable li'l Meggy just run for president herself? Sure, the lame-o Constitution "says" you need to be 35, but maybe that old senile eternal Senator from Arizona (what's his name again?) can do something about that, like pull some strings or start hacking on the senate floor to get her some sort of exemption?

After all, Meghan said she is willing to "do anything I can" (except umm, get an actual job, obviously, but she will flash her tatas all over Twitter, free of charge!) to score a win for the GOP in 2012.

Maybe that means she's ready to pursue a career in blackjack instead of humiliating herself trying to figure out this whole politics thing. Who knows?

What Meghan does know, however, is that Obama "has done little to nothing with his administration."

HAHAHAHAHA, the dumb loser!

He doesn't even need a rich, famous daddy with lots of political connections to help him get nothing accomplished!

The Orangeman Cometh...To Walk The Line Or Burn Down The House?

Get excited America, because last night was the night Republicans "took back Washington" from smart presidents with scary brown skin, wrested control of the House from that no-good Nazi Pelosi lady always prattling on about silly things like equality and helping those gross poors and gays, and with the blessings of Jesus Christ, the bear market, and throngs of colonial-clad conservatives, hand power to its newest, glowingest orange leader John Boehner so he and the rest of the Grand Old Patriots can enact their wonderful agenda impeaching NObama, privatizing the Constitution, and stomping on liberal ladies' heads for freedom.

Hooray!

Of course, this grand ol' takeover could not have been possible without both the crazy, caffeinated wave of misspelled sign-waving Teabaggers and the brilliant speechwriting team of Mr. John Boehner, who has been traversing the country, invoking fond, imagined memories of dead entertainers and country singers in some fairytale mom & pop America of yesteryear that exists only in the minds of desperate, power starved Republicans, Sears Christmas catalogs, the writers of Mad Men, and apparently John Boehner.

"Remember when Ronald Reagan was president? We had Bob Hope. We had Johnny Cash. Think about where we are today. We have got President Obama. But we have no hope and we have no cash."

Awww, snap! High fives all around for Boehner's speechwriting team! Dropping the names of three unrelated semi-iconic Americans in some lame, pathetic attempt to connect these cultural legends with some nostalgia washed, romanticized version of the good, old Ronny Reagan era of trickle down economics, corporate consolidation, and social rollbacks?

Hell, that's like the rhetorical equivalent of those graphic tees where Kurt Cobain shreds the axe with Jimi Hendrix on fluffy white clouds, surrounded by beautiful angels in heaven, while God smiles down from above.

So umm, go Boehner!?

Amiright?

Eh, not according to the people who are actually related to a certain Mr. Johnny Cash, like outspoken daughter, singer and author Roseanne who took to the Twitter to blast the now-new glowing Speaker of the House John Boehner in 140 choice characters (or less!) as an orange butt-shaped hat, what else?

"Asshat!" Well, that is pretty much a fitting description of the man.

Remember when W was President and America had all the Bush it could ever hope for? We had Bob Hope False Hope. We had Johnny Cash. Corporate Cash. Think about where we are today. We have no hope and we have no cash, but we do have one helluva big, orange Boehner!

A true Republican of color.

Ah yes, the future is indeed bright (orange), teeming with optimism (and cigarette tar), and sizzling with possibilities, not to mention, the burnt, electric UV ray fried brain of an abnormally orange overlord.

That's House Majority Leader "Asshat" Boehner to you!

It's mourning in America, or at least for those of us with critical thinking skills, fair skin, and an aversion to celebrating Ash Wednesday, every time a new chain-smoking Grand Old Pall Mall Patriot becomes Speaker of the House.

Let's just hope Capitol Hill is flame-retardant.

Who The Hell Is 'Orora' & What Has It Done To America's Most Cherished Online Cheerleader Sarah Palin?

Since holding an actual elected position is clearly beneath her Arctic highness Sarah Palin (the only qualified person in America to do anything), perhaps more suited to her "skills" would be to function as an effective wingnut “cheerleader,” based purely on her experience in patriotically quitting the only elected statewide office she's ever held, and brilliantly figuring out how to get knocked up & birth a litter o' precious miracles of God with weirdo, suspiciously liberal names.

Just ask Family Research Council President and last line of defense against the evil scourge of homosinuality threatening to gay (and lesbian) marry our nation's impressionable, confused children, Tony Perkins.

Perkins, in a bit of candor that some conservative leaders don’t always voice, called Palin “a great spokesman” and added that “she says what a lot of people think.”
“But you know a lot of people sometimes realize we shouldn’t say everything we think,” he continued. “Maybe it is that she is more of a cheerleader and one who rallies conservatives together as opposed maybe to being their top choice for president.”

Or, perhaps, in the same vein as the legendary George W. Bush, she could be both the greatest cheerleader and greatest U.S. President, in the history of mankind?

The woman does have a knack for wearin' tight li'l numbers and shrieking senseless, catchy slogans with no real meaning except revvin' up the angry, over-caffeinated, under-educated, old white supremacist crowd.

She's even mastered the art of spewing hateful "cheers" in 140 incoherent characters or less on her favoritest megaphone, the Wasilla World Wide Web!

And by the looks of her latest Mastertweet, somebody (Jesus?) must have informed our prized Snow Drifter that the 'Aurora Borealis' indeed occurs in her Arctic neck of the woods, who in turn, thought, "Golly gee, 'Orora' does sound like a great handle, dontcha know, plus now the lamestream media won't be able to call me dumb anymore, with all this fancy shmancy science-y stuff, oh ya betcha!" Wink, Wink!

Ha ha screw you leetist non-Alaskans with ur I.V. League insistence on korrect spelluns' & Kelsey Grammer rules.

But what exactly does 'Orora' Sarah mean by "my advice for Lisa?" Lisa who? Lisa Simpson? They were in Alaska for their movie. But then again that was back when Sarah was still an unknown nobody with an actual job and responsibilities, not a super-star celebrity somebody whose only employment is duping dumb poor rednecks out of their hard-earned money.

Could she mean Lisa Ling? Perhaps she's confusing Lisa with her other, slightly less-famous journalist sister Laura, who she still mistakenly believes is being held hostage by that crazy midget in the bad Korea?

Hmmm, possibly. Or could Sarah be referring to incumbent Alaskan Sen. Lisa Murkowski, who recently, not very cheerfully, announced (and didn't even chant it in fun, sing-song rhyme!) her independent bid after losing the Republican primary to that faintly-bearded weirdo Teabagger Cub Joe Miller, by swiping at Mama Grizz Sarah by saying, "Perhaps it's one time they met one Republican woman who won't quit on Alaska!"

Hmmm, this is all very confusing! Online cheerleading isn't as easy as it looks!

And what is with the extra period? Are we to assume the .”. symbol is secret Teabagger code only decipherable to non-masturbating witches in Delaware, like Sarah's other adopted grizzly cub, Christine O'Donnell? Yes, that must be it!

Besides, I was always under the impression the preferred bear-reaction advice was "pump as many rounds as humanly possible as quickly and accurately as you can with the largest-caliber weapon at your disposal, while giggling wildly like some deranged cackle of rads."

God, why does this mysterious Orora lady hate everyone's favoritest 2nd Amendment solution??

Ask yourself America, is this really the kind of person/upper atmosphere photon admissions display, we want, no make that need, (cheer)leading our nation in the 21st century?

Gimme a Y!-O!-U! Can I get a B!-E!-T!-C!-H!-A! What does that spell??

GOOOOOOOO GRIZZLIES!!!

The Original Loud Mouth President Of Megaphones, George W. Bush!

Sarah Palin's 140-Character Response To "Goofball Media's" Damning Article? "Cake Ink," Duh!

File under YAWN:

Okay fine, so that Vanity Fair piece about how Sarah Palin is really some sort of temper-tantrum throwing monster who doesn't even write her own tweets(!), was sort of poorly sourced (albeit still fun!), but that doesn't make it any less damning does it?

The answer is no, no it most certainly does not!

Even her Arctic highness felt compelled to respond via her now (in)famous ability to squeeze indecipherable nonsense into 140-character blasts of idiocy, and give those "media goofballs" a li'l piece of her sharp (ghostwritten) mind!

But just one question, Sar, what the hell is "cake ink?" No one seems to know, not even Merriam-Webster, but maybe we could ask li'l Trigger??

Of course, Sarah does have a point "re: Bristol=a diva." Why does the lamestream media just assume celebrated unwed teenage mother Bristol is a distinguished opera singer? Have they ever even trekked up to the Upper One and asked her to sing, on the spot, that "Un bel di vedremo" aria from Puccini's Madame Butterfly?? Because if they did, surely they would know that Bristy has problems reaching the customary range for lyric sopranos, from middle C to high D, full-throated, with timbre and dynamic control.

Ha ha, ya goofballs!

But anyway, back to the lamestream media's Vanity Fair article, which perfectly captures the life of professional huckster, Arctic drifter, and petty fame-whore Sarah Louise Palin by comparing it to a decrepit onion: "Anywhere you peel back the skin of Sarah Palin’s life, a sad and moldering strangeness lies beneath."

Ah yes, nothing new there. But dig a little further my friends, and the pungent, tear-inducing aroma of the rotten vegetable that is Sarah Palin's entire existence rears its ugly head (kinda like the goofball journylists?) and starts to unravel, much like her chances of winning an actual election, anywhere outside the frozen Arctic tundra and fearless Russian buffer zone called Alaska.

To some such goofball types in the media, like Politico's Ben Smith, the Vanity Fair article," embellished almost beyond recognition" is nothing more than a portrait of "Sarah Palin as monster," which he is implying, we suppose, she is not.

Hmmm, interesting stance to take, Ben.

"The Vanity Fair story also focuses on Palin's temper, which may well be a real quality but can't be quite as out-of-control as its portrayed: It isn't something the campaign staff — even the large number of them who derided her as lazy, undisciplined or unready — complained of."

Oh no? That's funny, cause I, too, always thought she got her various Mama Grizzly/Barracuda/deadly predator nicknames for being a loving, docile creature, as gentle as a little lamb, who wouldn't so much as hurt a fly!

"But my takeaway from the magazine piece is more that you can really write anything about Palin," he added.

So true, Ben! But then again, that could be because she is actually a monster, and thus any and all actions indicating such monstrosity is possible, likely even. Or maybe it is simply because she is actually everything, both the hockeymom maverick and feminist pitbull (who may or may not also be Jesus Christ in lipstick), depending on which group o' patriotic Teabaggers and/or fundamentalists are paying her moose piles of money to speak off the palm of her hand now.

But with literal pages to choose from, which juicy, ridiculous bits of crazy shall we pick? Among the funnier nuggets:

When John McCain decided to pull out of Michigan, a decision Palin disagreed with, Recher and Palin hatched a plan one day to make an early-morning drive to Michigan anyway. The Secret Service, becoming aware of the plan, asked the McCain campaign what it should do. The answer came: “Shoot out the tires.”

Oh HAHAHAHA, isn't it just too funny when two grown adults sharing a presidential ticket (and possible leaders of the free world) descend into nearly open civil wars at the end of their pathetic, losing campaign? Downright hilarious actually!

Turns out, our star of the Snowy North is almost as generous a tipper as she is at conducting unscripted interviews involving complex policy discussions.

"Palin does not always treat those ordinary people well, however—it depends on who is watching. Of the many famous people who have stayed at the Hyatt in Wichita (Cher, Reba McEntire, Neil Young), Sarah Palin ranks as the all-time worst tipper: $5 for seven bags. But the bellhops had it good in Kansas, compared with the bellman at another midwestern hotel who waited up until past midnight for Palin and her entourage to check in—and then got no tip at all for 10 bags. He was stiffed again at checkout time. The same went for the maids who cleaned Palin’s rooms in both places—no tip whatsoever."

Ugh, the ingrates! Umm, just be thankful you still have your limbs, okay? 'Cause one more peep from your ungrateful lips and SarBear will be more than happy to rip one of those appendages clean off! How's that for a tip??

Oh, and Sarah is such a good mother, not only was eldest daughter, and current Public Service Announcement star, Bristol, pregnant before she graduated high school, another one of her children was already failing in school when Sarah was announced as McCain’s pick. Which one you ask?? Probably not Trig, who despite the whole special needs thing, may just be the most competent one of the bunch.

Let's see what else...Oh yeah, her awesome ability to murder innocent mammals from both the cold, snow-packed ground, and from a helicopter 15,000 feet in the air:

“This whole hunter thing, for Sarah? That is the biggest fallacy,” says one longtime friend of the family. “That woman has never hunted. The picture of her with the caribou she says she shot? She got out of the R.V. to pose for a picture. She never helps with the fishing either. It’s all a joke.” The friend goes on to recall that when Greta Van Susteren came to the house to interview Palin “[Sarah] cooked moose chili and whatnot. Todd was calling everyone he knew the day before—‘Do you got any moose?’ Desperate.”

Next time, why not just take one of the countless dead and stuffed carcasses decorating the home office, plunk that badboy in a boiling pot of water, and voila! authentic Alaskan supper is served!

And then there's the horrible, Earth shattering news that Sarah Palin probably doesn’t even use her own brilliant mind to write those crazy tweets and semi-coherent Facebook rants. NOOOOOOO! Say it ain't so, please say it ain't so. The fate of the Internets rests upon it!

After she hired a Conservatives4Palin blogger as a consultant, suddenly Miss Thang's social networking communication skills went from boring, dull rambling gibberish to super-exciting, sassy rambling gibberish.

But her voice, or at least a voice that sounds much like hers, was about to turn up in another venue. When it was first set up, in January 2009, Palin’s Facebook page might as well have been a file cabinet for official press releases (“Palin Pushes Parental Consent Legislation”) written mostly in a stiff, third-person form. The same was true of her Twitter feed, which went live in April. After Mansour’s voice disappeared on C4P, however, Palin’s voice on Facebook and Twitter started sounding increasingly provocative and irascible… Palin’s virtual voice does sometimes have the ring of authenticity. But often it sounds less like Palin herself than someone else’s fantasy version of Palin at her most vitriolic. On one occasion Palin’s virtual voice contradicted remarks she made in a TV interview two days later.

Probably, the cake ink's fault!

But, alas, all of the nation (and world!) can rejoice knowing that the dream of Sarah Palin as President of Real America may soon be reality. And not just the kind of reality that has Levi & Bristol sledding to the altar on primetime teevee, the other, real-life kind of reality!

When Devon calls to tell her that Glenn Beck has booked the Dena’ina Center, the largest venue in Anchorage, for a speech on September 11, 2010, she sits bolt upright and yells. Immediately, they start trying to figure out what the news might mean. “Listen, listen, listen: Why in the world do you imagine Glenn Beck would come to Anchorage on 9/11? You think he might have a special guest? With a special announcement? Oh,” she says, her whole face falling as the implications of a Palin campaign kickoff hit her, “Jesus Christ.”

OMG, Woohoo! Socialist fist bumps all around! Grab a (Joe) six pack, your favoritest moose casserole recipe, and fire up the Twitters, this Arctic missile's ready to BaROCK that evil arugula eating Socialist Muslim terrorist right out of office and back to the Kenyan wilderness where he belongs.

Or in Sarahspeak: "A cackle of rads," "Media goofballs," "Cake ink," The End.

Hooray, America is special (needs) once again!

Civil Servant Barack Obama Announces Bush's Mission (Sort Of) Accomplished, While President Sarah Palin Accomplishes Twittering More Gibberish Nobody Understands

OMG, presidential teevee star and A-list celeb B. Hussein Obama is back on the boob tube and in America's hearts and homes, making just the second Oval Office address of his presidency (which is one more than his appearances on The View!) to talk about some Very Important Subject (other than his sketchy origins), like the last time Barry was forced to talk to the dumb public when some British oil company decided it would be hilarious to replace America's coastal waters with delicious petroleum instead.

But what glorious news will El Commander-in-Chief bring the nation this time??

Oh goody, America! Turns out, the War in Iraq, which apparently had still been going on all summer decade, is now over, with President Obama announcing its official end, and only seven years after Bush declared "Mission Accomplished!"

Hooray!

But what does everyone think about Barry's awesome end-of-combat troops-in-Iraq announcement? He even mentioned George W. Bush's name twice. But, did he did praise George W. Bush enough for heroically starting the most awesome war ever??

Hell no! According to professional Arctic fraud Sarah Palin, who surely doesn't think so, and took to her favoritest Twitter to let the whole world know the entire 140-character truth about bloody wars-for-oil in faraway desert lands, without all the lamestream media bias, like facts and truth.

OMG, like so true! All of America is ready to bust out their copy of Burmese Days and A Clergyman's Daughter to learn more about the Iraq surge. Or, wait, perhaps she means his 1933 work Down and Out in Paris and London? Or was it 1938's Homage to Catalonia? Unlike SarBear, we're simply not sure which Orwell novel has the secret Barack Obama rewritten history decipher code!

Or maybe Sarah is just under the impression that George Orwell did not in fact write fiction, but actual history textbooks, and thus evil NObama is trying to rewrite this history?

Like that terrifying time just a few decades ago when scary, supposedly native-born, civilized farm animals established a hideous communist state right across the pond, in England of all places! Or could it be Barack Obama will attempt to steal credit for the brilliant surge from unsung hero George W. Bush, using his meager position as a minor civil servant in the Ministry of Truth to revise historical records in order to perpetuate official government propaganda, a la 1984? Hmmm, probably that one. Sounds just like something that lame Socialist civil servant NObama would totally do...

But if Obama is just a measly civil servant, then who is the actual, real life President?? Oooh, please, please let it be Sarah Palin so she can finally give credit where credit is due, and give George W. Bush the presidential medal of freedom for saving humanity with his surge in Iraq!

I mean who knows where we'd be if God never spoke to W and told him the future of the free world rests on the preemptive, unilateral invasion of a poor, sovereign nation in the middle of the desert, in order to depose a dictator who had nothing to do with 9/11, and shock and awe that country into awesome civil war, for like freedom 'n stuff? I, for one, can hardly bear to think about a world without pointless, never-ending wars costing trillions of dollars. **Shudder!**

Good thing we don't have to, thanks to the GREATEST PRESIDENT IN HISTORY, George W. Bush!

Anyway, back to boring, buzzkillin' Barry, who unlike his predecessor, doesn't even think sending thousands of teenage Americans to certain death in parched desert wastelands is a very wise idea. Ha ha loser!

Oh look, here he goes again about how spending ungodly sums of money (we didn't have) to launch a useless, pathetic Middle East misadventure doesn't exactly put us in prime position to recover from a recession, but despite this, Barack Obama will try his very hardest to ensure you don't get fired from the terrible job you hate, or at least when you do, there will maybe be another god-awful job you can't stand, so you at least have an actual house, not homeless shelter to come back to after your grueling 40-hour work week.

Let's see what else? Oh yeah, the troops. Aren't they just the absolute, gosh darned best?? YES, the answer is, YES they are, got it? This cannot be emphasized enough.

And despite Iraq being a horrible miscalculation founded not upon actual evidence or facts, but some demented wet dream Dick Cheney had, America must never forget the 4,403 American soldiers who died in the war, their families, or the families of countless (uncounted) dead Iraqis. It's not their fault the whole damn thing was a huge, wasteful embarrassment, representative of an even more disgraceful decade when America was led by a Born Again Cowboy who barely survived a freak encounter with a pretzel, let alone armed insurgents in Fallujah.

Oh, and same goes for the 50,000 U.S. troops still stuck in that sweltering hellhole trying to bring education, jobs, stable government, a functioning economy, and basically all the things we now don't have here, 6,942 miles away, over there, in Iraq.

So instead of just grunting thank you before tossing our maimed and traumatized veterans out on the street in the hopes that Jesus and/or the all-powerful hand of the "free market" will restore their limbs and sanity, and take care of their exorbitant health costs, President/Civil Servant Barack Obama will once again open up the ol' Government coffers to help fund a new G.I. bill, so our troops can maybe get wasted for 4 years, like every other college student in America, once they finished sacrificing life & limb for the freedom of Iraqi citizens to buy cheap American DVDs and I ♥ NY t-shirts.

Or in the words of Obama, "we will do whatever it takes to serve our veterans as well as they have served us. Because part of ending a war responsibly is standing by those who have fought it."

And also maybe next time, not sending our soldiers to senselessly die for reasons unknown, except maybe oil or as misguided revenge against some crazy dictator for being super meany to a certain someone's daddy who just so happened to also be a President with the first name George and last name Bush.

But why think about bummers like that when there are so many other important things to talk about? Ugh, details can be sooooooooo boring! Especially nationally televised, dull Oval Office speeches chock full o' them, coming from Socialist farm animals and pathetic low-level civil servants like Barack Obama.

Unlike the brilliant, thrilling tweets of world-famous literary scholar, Orwellian expert, and America's true leader, Sarah Barricuda Louise Mama Grizzly Palin, President 4 Life! Or, at least, until the next six figure tell-all book deal comes along and she is forced to patriotically fight for freedom the old-fashioned way: by unceremoniously, abruptly quitting...

Twitter account and all!