OMG, presidential teevee star and A-list celeb B. Hussein Obama is back on the boob tube and in America's hearts and homes, making just the second Oval Office address of his presidency (which is one more than his appearances on The View!) to talk about some Very Important Subject (other than his sketchy origins), like the last time Barry was forced to talk to the dumb public when some British oil company decided it would be hilarious to replace America's coastal waters with delicious petroleum instead.
But what glorious news will El Commander-in-Chief bring the nation this time??
Oh goody, America! Turns out, the War in Iraq, which apparently had still been going on all
But what does everyone think about Barry's awesome end-of-combat troops-in-Iraq announcement? He even mentioned George W. Bush's name twice. But, did he did praise George W. Bush enough for heroically starting the most awesome war ever??
Hell no! According to professional Arctic fraud Sarah Palin, who surely doesn't think so, and took to her favoritest Twitter to let the whole world know the entire 140-character truth about bloody wars-for-oil in faraway desert lands, without all the lamestream media bias, like facts and truth.
OMG, like so true! All of America is ready to bust out their copy of Burmese Days and A Clergyman's Daughter to learn more about the Iraq surge. Or, wait, perhaps she means his 1933 work Down and Out in Paris and London? Or was it 1938's Homage to Catalonia? Unlike SarBear, we're simply not sure which Orwell novel has the secret Barack Obama rewritten history decipher code!
Or maybe Sarah is just under the impression that George Orwell did not in fact write fiction, but actual history textbooks, and thus evil NObama is trying to rewrite this history?
Like that terrifying time just a few decades ago when scary, supposedly native-born, civilized farm animals established a hideous communist state right across the pond, in England of all places! Or could it be Barack Obama will attempt to steal credit for the brilliant surge from unsung hero George W. Bush, using his meager position as a minor civil servant in the Ministry of Truth to revise historical records in order to perpetuate official government propaganda, a la 1984? Hmmm, probably that one. Sounds just like something that lame Socialist civil servant NObama would totally do...
But if Obama is just a measly civil servant, then who is the actual, real life President?? Oooh, please, please let it be Sarah Palin so she can finally give credit where credit is due, and give George W. Bush the presidential medal of freedom for saving humanity with his surge in Iraq!
I mean who knows where we'd be if God never spoke to W and told him the future of the free world rests on the preemptive, unilateral invasion of a poor, sovereign nation in the middle of the desert, in order to depose a dictator who had nothing to do with 9/11, and shock and awe that country into awesome civil war, for like freedom 'n stuff? I, for one, can hardly bear to think about a world without pointless, never-ending wars costing trillions of dollars. **Shudder!**
Good thing we don't have to, thanks to the GREATEST PRESIDENT IN HISTORY, George W. Bush!
Anyway, back to boring, buzzkillin' Barry, who unlike his predecessor, doesn't even think sending thousands of teenage Americans to certain death in parched desert wastelands is a very wise idea. Ha ha loser!
Oh look, here he goes again about how spending ungodly sums of money (we didn't have) to launch a useless, pathetic Middle East misadventure doesn't exactly put us in prime position to recover from a recession, but despite this, Barack Obama will try his very hardest to ensure you don't get fired from the terrible job you hate, or at least when you do, there will maybe be another god-awful job you can't stand, so you at least have an actual house, not homeless shelter to come back to after your grueling 40-hour work week.
Let's see what else? Oh yeah, the troops. Aren't they just the absolute, gosh darned best?? YES, the answer is, YES they are, got it? This cannot be emphasized enough.
And despite Iraq being a horrible miscalculation founded not upon actual evidence or facts, but some demented wet dream Dick Cheney had, America must never forget the 4,403 American soldiers who died in the war, their families, or the families of countless (uncounted) dead Iraqis. It's not their fault the whole damn thing was a huge, wasteful embarrassment, representative of an even more disgraceful decade when America was led by a Born Again Cowboy who barely survived a freak encounter with a pretzel, let alone armed insurgents in Fallujah.
Oh, and same goes for the 50,000 U.S. troops still stuck in that sweltering hellhole trying to bring education, jobs, stable government, a functioning economy, and basically all the things we now don't have here, 6,942 miles away, over there, in Iraq.
So instead of just grunting thank you before tossing our maimed and traumatized veterans out on the street in the hopes that Jesus and/or the all-powerful hand of the "free market" will restore their limbs and sanity, and take care of their exorbitant health costs, President/Civil Servant Barack Obama will once again open up the ol' Government coffers to help fund a new G.I. bill, so our troops can maybe get wasted for 4 years, like every other college student in America, once they finished sacrificing life & limb for the freedom of Iraqi citizens to buy cheap American DVDs and I ♥ NY t-shirts.
Or in the words of Obama, "we will do whatever it takes to serve our veterans as well as they have served us. Because part of ending a war responsibly is standing by those who have fought it."
And also maybe next time, not sending our soldiers to senselessly die for reasons unknown, except maybe oil or as misguided revenge against some crazy dictator for being super meany to a certain someone's daddy who just so happened to also be a President with the first name George and last name Bush.
But why think about bummers like that when there are so many other important things to talk about? Ugh, details can be sooooooooo boring! Especially nationally televised, dull Oval Office speeches chock full o' them, coming from Socialist farm animals and pathetic low-level civil servants like Barack Obama.
Unlike the brilliant, thrilling tweets of world-famous literary scholar, Orwellian expert, and America's true leader, Sarah Barricuda Louise Mama Grizzly Palin, President 4 Life! Or, at least, until the next six figure tell-all book deal comes along and she is forced to patriotically fight for freedom the old-fashioned way: by unceremoniously, abruptly quitting...
Twitter account and all!