Thursday, December 31, 2009

Rush Limbaugh Has Heart Attack, But Real Question is What the Hell's He Doing in Hawaii?

Can't Say We Didn't See This One Coming

In a shock to no one, fat sack of pill-popping, hate spewing sh*t, Rush Limbaugh was rushed (ha ha rushed) to a hospital after suffering chest pains in what will likely NOT be the last, dying gasps of an evil and overworked heart.

"Rush was admitted to and is resting comfortably in a Honolulu hospital today after suffering chest pains," Limbaugh's spokesman said in a statement. "Rush appreciates your prayers and well wishes and will keep you updated via and on his radio program."

So until further notice, yes, 58-year-old failed NFL owner and right wing godfather of radio waves for racists, Rush Limbaugh is in "serious condition" at a Hawaii hospital, where he is resting comfortably and laughing at all the pathetic povs who can't afford to pay their way out of obesity and drug related heart problems.

Ha ha losers.

Either way, all death jokes will be saved until Rush goes and earns them the old-fashioned way.

Happy New Year!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Delta: You'll Love the Way We Fly...and Thwart Terrorists

Busy year for Delta. They buy Northwest airlines and then almost get blown to bits, Richard Reid style, by some crazed Nigerian trying his very bestest to impress the Al Qaeda recruiters he's just positive have been checking out his mad terror skills.

Fortunately for everyone aboard Northwest flight 253 en route from Amsterdam to Detroit, his best wasn't quite good enough.

So this character, a 23-year-old rich, pretty boy named Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, already on the government's no-fly list (glad to see how well that's working out) and soon to be on Al Qaeda's no-use list, reportedly told investigators that Al Qaeda instructed him to detonate the explosives once over U.S. soil using a substance he acquired from Yemen that he taped to his leg to later mix with a syringe of chemicals that together with the powder would go ka-boom!

Ugh, he was thisclose too! Seriously, he was right on schedule, everything was going perfectly to plan, and just as he was about to make the plane land in Detroit in a million fiery pieces, some nosy passengers smelled smoke and heard what sounded like firecrackers, giving the impression that he wasn't simply wishing them a Merry Christmas Nigerian style, but rather a hot and violent death 20,000 ft above ground. Ho-ho-ho!

Good thing the quick-thinking travelers around Abdulmutallab heard enough popping, crackling and sizzling for their liking and quickly pounced on the incompetent bastard before he finally got around to figuring out how to successfully combust in order to please Allah.

With his plan foiled, the burned and tattered would-be jihadist was politely escorted (ha ha just kidding the psycho was tossed like a ragdoll) off the plane and into police custody where, after a the slightest FBI interrogation, he promptly divulged his top-secret plot to incinerate scores of civilians and thus screw 72 virgins for blissful eternity.

Passenger Jasper Schuringa, who was the first on the plane to tackle and subdue the suspect, said, "I basically reacted directly. When you hear a pop on the plane, you are awake. I just jumped. I didn't think, I just went over there and tried to save the plane – and we did."

Schuringa, who had burns to one of his hands, added, "A fire started under his seat. I was calling for water, water. But then the fire was getting a little worse. So I grabbed the suspect out of the seat, because, if there was any more explosives on him, that would have been very dangerous. And then the flight attendants came. We took him to first class and stripped him to make sure he had no more weapons on him."

"He was shaking. He didn't resist anything. It's just hard to believe that he was trying to blow up this plane. He was in a trance. He was very afraid."

You would be too if all of a sudden you realized you wouldn't be going to virgin heaven but a slightly less enticing paradise, Guantanamo Bay (Hey, Gitmo can still be fun, no?) or if you're really lucky, the winter wonderland of Thompson, Illinois.

Even scarier, he won't even have Daddy's credit cards to use anymore!!

Bet someone wishes he had done a little less praying and a little more paying attention in chemistry class over at University College London. Oops.

Instead, the only thing going Boom Boom Pow is the Black Eyed Peas song on his iPod.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Democrats Yay, Republicans Nay On Merry Christmas Eve Day!

In the wee hours of morning, the Senate, err rather, the socialist Democratic Senate passed on a 60-39 party line vote a sweeping health care bill that will tighten insurance regulations, provide coverage for 31 million more Americans and cost $871 billion over the next decade.

"This is for my friend Ted Kennedy, aye," said Sen. Robert Byrd, who much to the dismay of Sen. Tom Coburn and heartbroken teabaggers countrywide, was able to stave off joining his old pal just long enough to roll his ol' bones down to the chamber to cast his vote with the rest of the meanie Dems who want to help insure Americans out of some weird, inexplicable desire to help people.

Then just for laughs and also delirium from lack of sleep, Master Harry Reid mistakenly voted no before changing his vote to yes, which caused quite a hoot in the chamber, especially from Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell.

Until it vanished without a trace, leaving only the tattered remnants of a frumpy sad sack minority leader with a history of bad judgment and a penchant for screwing the American people.

After the awkward vote, Reid joked, "I spent a very restless night last night trying to figure out how I could show some bipartisanship and I think I was able to accomplish that for a few minutes."

Yeah, cause now we all believe you don't want to shoot yourself in the face over that little faux pas. Thanks, totally not awkward now.

In case anyone cares or knows who the hell he is other than a washed-up MLB pitcher turned washed-up Kentucky Senator, Jim Bunning was absent for the vote. Not like he was voting for that unchristian piece of sh*t anyhow.

So with Vice President Joe Biden presiding over the session (presumably to make sure he was the only one f**king things up...ahem, Harry) to prove for the fourth time in as many days, that the Democrats could muster the necessary majority and stop being the kind of blubbering pansies that Dick Cheney gets off on.

Channeling Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid opened the floor saying, "The work goes on. The cause endures… and yet here we are, minutes away from doing what others have tried but none have achieved."

Republican leader Mitch McConnell responded, "This fight isn't over. My colleagues and I will work to stop this bill from becoming law. That's the clear will of the American people — and we're going to continue to fight on their behalf."

Umm, yeah about that...You've all been working so hard, why don't you boys go and take yourself a break. You've earned it! Get some rest. Spend some time with Grandma and the kids. Shoot some quails. Roast some chestnuts. Sip some eggnog. Tend the fire. Sing some good holiday cheer and thank the Lord Jesus for making you a real freedom-loving American unlike the sorry SOBs and miserable wretches who keep electing you to office.

Hahahaha all those pathetic povs, just one honey glazed ham bone away from death and/or bankruptcy.

But either way, Merry Christmas and God Bless America!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Livin' On a Prayer: Please God Let Robert Byrd Die So We Can Bury Health Care With Him

Remember Sen Tom Coburn's (R-OK) uplifting holiday message instructing everyone to pray for some dumb Democrat (that old bag Robert Byrd should do) to drop dead, or at the very least, get mangled in some freak accident so as to miss the early morning procedural vote on health care, thereby leaving the Democrats one vote shy of breaking the GOP filibuster:
Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK): What the American people ought to pray is that somebody can’t make the vote tonight. That’s what they ought to pray.

As it turned out however, all 100 U.S. senators showed up intact to vote on the measure, which passed on a party-line 60-40 vote. And on Tuesday morning, the Senate health care bill jumped the next procedural hurdle, with all 60 Democratic senators voting to pass the measure. However, only 39 Republicans voted against the passage, meaning one Republican was apparently missing in action. Uh-oh.

Gasp!! Could it be Coburn's death wish backfired and claimed one of its own members, fellow Oklahoman Republican Sen. James Inhofe as victim instead of the intended Democrat in some terrible, ironic twist of fate?

Now, as with most teabagger-related stunts, it is very hard to distinguish reality from an SNL skit, but either way, a certain self-identified Republican from Georgia, let's call him "Jesus" shall we, was so distraught his prayers for Sen. Robert Byrd to please die before the health care vote had backfired and accidentally killed beloved Republican Sen. James Inhofe instead of that ancient artifact from West Virginia, that he made this hysterical call into C-SPAN:

CALLER: Yeah doctor. Our small tea bag group here in Waycross, we got our vigil together and took Dr. Coburn's instructions and prayed real hard that Sen. Byrd would either die or couldn’t show up at the vote the other night.

How hard did you pray because I see one of our members was missing this morning. Did it backfire on us? One of our members died? How hard did you pray senator? Did you pray hard enough?

Republican Sen. John Barrasso, who took the tearful call, didn't really answer the question (as Republicans are naturally gifted at avoiding straightforward answers) but reassured the distressed teabagger that while he didn't know why Inhofe missed the vote, it didn't matter anyway since Republicans are completely irrelevant at this point.

So, Inhofe being there or not doesn't really make one iota of difference in the long run, short run or any run for that matter.

'Cept maybe a beer run. Ya know, make him feel like he's actually useful. But other than that, nah, no reason for him to show up. Seriously. No one will mind.

But for the record, Inhofe is still quite alive and plans to return to the Senate for later votes this week.

We're all very excited about it! Especially Inhofe. Death by decree is a terrible way to go.

Unless you're a Democrat. Then by all means. It's how God would've wanted it.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Mo' Money, Mo' Problems: The Life of Big Pimpin' RNC Chairman Michael Steele

Oh shit yo! A certain off-the-hook chairman of the equally hip Grand Old Party of old white men and former slave-owners is taking some heat for some questionable activities involving his lucrative side-venture moonlighting as a paid speaker while still charged with the very important task of continuously embarrassing his party as the super-savvy chairman and dopest youth liaison the RNC has ever seen.

What up wit dat?

Apparently, some people like every former Republican National Committee Chairman to ever come before him thinks that charging colleges upwards of $12,000 to hear Michael Steele spit some flow about why he's no ordinary
51-year-old cow-on-the-tracks chairman, while not technically illegal, is not exactly what they'd call eh, classy for the national face of the party.

Why they gotta hate on the man just for takin' care of his bizness, yo?

Man, these cats ain't playing neither, busting out at the Steele man just for rolling all phat and large. In the Washington Times, yo! That's like family, it ain't right!

  • "Holy mackerel, I never heard of a chairman of either party ever taking money for speeches," said Frank J. Fahrenkopf Jr., RNC chairman under President Reagan and CEO of the American Gaming Association. "The job of a national chairman is to give speeches. That's what the national party pays him for. We didn't have a rule book back then, but being national chairman was and is a full-time job."

  • "It just doesn’t look right using RNC resources and trading on the title of chairman to make outside money," said Rich Bond, another former Republican national chairman. "When I became chairman...There were no written rules about taking money back then. Still, I decided accepting the money would get me in trouble."
  • "The job demands so much of your time that you can work 24/7 and not get everything done, so taking time out to speak for the benefit of one's own bank account is not appropriate," former RNC chairman and Veterans Affairs secretary under George W. Bush, Jim Nicholson said.
Why they gotta hate on the man just for getting his greens on? He is a Republican and this is America, dog!

Good thing someone has his back, like RNC spokesperson Gail Gitcho:
"This is silly. Many Democrat and Republican national chairmen have regularly received outside income. Michael Steele has been giving inspirational speeches based on his personal story long before he was elected RNC chairman and will long after. Chairman Steele of course does not receive compensation for any speeches conducted in his duties as chairman. He is more than a full-time chairman, is in complete compliance with all RNC rules and regulations, and is wholly focused on growing the Republican Party."
Awww, snap! Hear that y'all??

Ain't nothin' wrong wit being a baller, especially if your name is Michael "Balls of" Steele. Then you roll like the first-class travelin', all expenses paid, $20 G's a pop, $223,500-a-year RNC piiiiimp that you are.

Don't hate the playa, hate the game. For reals yo.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies (Quick Before ObamaCare Ruins America!)

"What the American people ought to pray is that somebody can't make the vote tonight."

--Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK), on the cloture vote for the health care reform bill

As the United States stands on the brink of a staggering legislative victory the likes of which no president has achieved in decades, Republicans across the land are weeping in agonizing despair, knowing that their artfully crafted and beautifully executed plan of TOTAL OBSTRUCTION is just hours away from resounding defeat, thanks to a determined Democratic supermajority.

But could it be that the Republicans' ingenious strategy of acting like a bunch of racist nutjobs who literally do not know what to do with themselves ever since that colored Kenyan Muslim became president, is part of the very reason the Democrats were able to succeed??

Yes, according to most rational beings (no, this doesn't include Fox News) like Jonathan Chait in his article, The Republican Health Care Blunder:

The United States is on the doorstep of comprehensive health care reform. It's a staggering achievement, about which I'll have more to say later. But the under-appreciated thing that strikes me at the moment is that it never would have happened if the Republican Party had played its cards right.

At the outset of this debate, moderate Democrats were desperate for a bipartisan bill. They were willing to do almost anything to get it, including negotiate fruitlessly for months on end. We can't know for sure, but Democrats appeared willing to make enormous substantive concessions to win the assent of even a few Republicans...

But Republicans wouldn't make that deal. The GOP leadership put immense pressure on all its members to withhold consent from any health care bill...And if they did succeed, the bill would be seen as partisan and therefore too liberal, too big government. The spasm of anti-government activism over the summer helped lock the GOP into this strategy -- no Republican could afford to risk the wrath of Tea Partiers convinced that any reform signed by Obama equaled socialism and death panels.

And so Democrats found themselves all alone.

The Republicans eschewed a halfway compromise and put all their chips on an all or nothing campaign to defeat health care and Obama's presidency. It was an audacious gamble. They lost. In the end, they'll walk away with nothing. The Republicans may gain some more seats in 2010 by their total obstruction, but the substantive policy defeat they've been dealt will last for decades.
Meanwhile, on the Senate floor yesterday, Rhode Island Democrat, Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse (coincidence?) slammed Republicans for their "desperate, no-holds-barred mission of propaganda, falsehood, obstruction and fear," which he said will result in a "day of judgment" by the American people.
When it turns out there are no death panels, when there is no bureaucrat between you and your doctor, when the ways your health care changes seem like a good deal to you, and a pretty smart idea, when the American public sees the discrepancy between what really is, and what they were told by the Republicans, there will be a reckoning. There will come a day of judgment about who was telling the truth.

There will come a day of judgment, and our Republican friends know that. That Mr. President, is why they are terrified.

Hahaha, don't be silly! Considering they've already faced their biggest nightmare--not just any black man, but a black man with a brain in the White House--a few "harmless" lies doesn't scare 'em one bit.

Or at least not like the terrifying soon-to-be reality of granting millions of Americans access to the same affordable, quality health insurance they already enjoy. Now that's S-C-A-R-Y! **Shudder**

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Divine Intervention (and Plenty of Pork) Keeps Health Care Reform From Being FiliBUSTED!

Are you there God? It's me, Harry

Please God, let Joe Lieberman be struck down by some terribly contagious rash that then makes its way into the brain of that insufferable pro-life fetus whore Ben Nelson so we can finally look like a legislative body capable of getting something accomplished other than giving Glenn Beck one more reason to have a hysterical breakdown and weep like a baby on national TV. Because I don't think anyone, myself included, wants to explain to dungeon master Nancy Pelosi why exactly we can't crack the whip like a certain lady speaker who shall remain nameless but isn't afraid to break out the big guns to bring the boys in line.

What's that you say, God? You offered that intolerable Nebraskan fellow a hearty chunk of pork (even though we all know your thoughts on that filthy animal) for his beloved home state and now he suddenly loves the health care bill even more than he loves unborn fetuses??

Wow, you really are all-powerful! To think you got a curmudgeon like Ben Nelson to sign on as the key 60th vote to stop a Republican filibuster and all it took was a nice slab o' swine for the Cornhuskers and a few tweaks to the ol' abortion language?

What's that, Lord? It was all in a day's work? And you already had plenty of clout with most congressmen (save for that one freak atheist socialist Bernie Sanders), not just the whole "I hate health care and womens' reproductive rights unless there's something in it for me" wing of the party? All you did was wave some porky perks and tasty abortion restrictions and Ben Nelson was suddenly putty in your hands?

Is there no limit to your awesomeness?

"I know this is hard for some of my colleagues to accept and I appreciate their right to disagree," said Nelson of the many changes made at his behest. "But I would not have voted for this bill without these provisions."

Hahaha, no wonder they call you God and not Harry Reid!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Sarah Palin Now Forced to Quit Vacation For Being Too Famous

Life is hard when you're the world's most famous Alaskan!

You can't do ANYTHING without like a million paparazzi buzzing about, stalking your every move while you and your nice family enjoy an exotic getaway to Barack Obama's alleged birthplace Hawaii after a grueling few months driving around the country in a giant homage to yourself to make millions of dollars selling 432 pages of pure fiction about how you're really a decent hardworking person instead of some psycho wench who calls her baby retarded every other minute.

So, thanks to the
terrible liberal media elite, Sarah Palin was once again forced to quit something she loved all because she drew on her visor with a marker because she simply hates John McCain loves Goin' Rogue or whatever.

"In an attempt to 'go incognito,' I Sharpied the logo out on my sun visor so photographers would be less likely to recognize me and bother my kids or other vacationers."

"I am so sorry if people took this silly incident the wrong way. I adore John McCain, support him 100 percent and will do everything I can to support his reelection. As everyone knows, I was honored and proud to run with him. And Todd and I were with him in D.C. just a week ago."

"Todd and I have since cut our vacation short because the incognito attempts didn't work and fellow vacationers were bothered for the two days we spent in the sun. So much for trying to go incognito."

So THANKS A LOT journalists, photographers and other COMMUNISTS! Apparently, Sarah's very important Ten Media Commandments which all members must abide by if they wish to see, talk, record, photograph, or even so much as glance at her highness, means nothing to you people!

Gosh darn it! Whatever is a maverick who quit her job, abandoned her state, and sold her soul for fame, fortune, and a full-time road trip to do?

Ugh, she better hurry up and bitch all about it on Facebook, Twitter, and all the other non-mainstream media hideouts she loves so much before someone else suffers the same terrible fate of being forced to quit layin' on a Hawaiian beach after the exhausting task of signing their name like a billion freakin' times for all the annoying adoring fans waiting for hours for the once-in-a-lifetime chance to rub elbows with the world-famous Wasilla wonder herself, Sarah Barracuda Palin.

The #1 most successful quitter the world has ever seen! Just try finding something this girl won't quit. Seriously, I double dare you.

Betcha you can't!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Megan McCain Stumped By Clogged Drain; Where's That "Dumbass" Plumber Joe Now?

While the Senate dithers on about health care and Joe Lieberman does his best to make the entire Democratic caucus go into immediate cardiac arrest, the real action was unfolding in Meghan McCain's luxurious, handcrafted marble and porcelain tub. Or more precisely, deep in her fine, sterling silver drain.

Somehow, strands of Meggy's flowing blond locks must have gone maverick and come loose from their snug home atop her head, only to find themselves stuck--cold, tangled and alone--inside a watery grave--with little chance of rescue!

Meghan McCain may be THE VOICE of an entire generation of Republican trust fund babies, but that doesn't mean she has mastered the baffling science of pouring liquid gunk down the drain, waiting 10-15 minutes, running some water, and witnessing the miracle of Jesus disguised as a bottle of liquid plumber save her from suffering through a long, dreadful night with nary a bubble bath to comfort her.

Life can be soooooo unfair!

But being the quick-witted, sassy spawn of a booze heiress and former POW turned permanent U.S. Senator, Meghan McCain naturally took her bathroom battle to the Internets, where perhaps a strapping, young, plunger-wielding Republican knight in shining armor would hear her Tweets of despair and come just in time to save her from this hellish nightmare of her empty tub.

Certainly someone, somewhere in Twitterland will rescue this damsel in distress since everyone knows Republicans are world-famous for their plumbing skills.

Too bad her and Daddy's old pal Joe the Plumber aren't exactly tight anymore, ever since their little falling out over some innocent words Meggy might have said after the election about how "Joe the Plumber--you can quote me--is a dumbass. He should stick to plumbing."

And you my little Meggy should stick to blogging. That way, the only thing you risk clogging is the brain of the next hapless sack who stumbles upon one of your brilliant Daily Beast columns about the beauty of war and of course, the God-given blessing of having large, supple breasts.

And don't think for a second we all haven't noticed your mastery of the power button. You go girl!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Polygamy's One Thing, But Jason Chaffetz Won't Stand by While the Gays Turn DC Into the New San Fran

Straight(?) From the Land of Fruit and Nuts

As predicted in yesterday's post how, as a result of DC becoming all gay-marriagey, at least one crazy congressman or another will make a furious effort to thwart this wicked gay agenda in an attempt to score some brownie points with the enlightened folks who hold the key to their re-election back in the muddy swamplands they call home.

Well, it sure didn't take long for the stars to align and turn this delicious pearl of insight into cold, hard fact, rising not from a muddy swamp per se, but rather a sodium-filled wasteland of Mormons and latent homosexuality otherwise known as Salt Lake City, Utah.

A Utah Republican renewed his pledge Tuesday to prevent the nation’s capital from allowing gay couples to marry after the Washington, D.C., Council signed off on such a measure.

But Rep. Jason Chaffetz acknowledged it will be tough to overturn the newly adopted ordinance, which the Washington mayor is expected to sign before Christmas.

"It's going to be exceptionally difficult because Democrats have us outnumbered by large amounts. Nevertheless, we're going to try."

Chaffetz, who sits on a House subcommittee that oversees the district and can revoke D.C. laws within 30 days after they are signed by the mayor, promises to introduce legislation in January.

"If it were put up for a vote, traditional marriage would win," he said. "It would win with a congressional vote, and it would win with the residents of Washington, D.C."

Ah yes, Rep. Jason Chaffetz of course! But who exactly is this hetero-crusadin' Latter Day Saint with the Jewy sounding last name anyway?

Does anyone know? Better yet does Jason even know??

Let's take a look shall we...

Turns out Chaffetz is actually a Bay Area-born (aka gay liberal) former Democrat whose father John Chaffetz's brief marriage to Kitty Dukakis (before she moved on to bigger, better men like 1988's presidential candidate Michael Dukakis) produced this bizarre self-loathing liberal turned conservative wingnut we see today. Hooray!

So this guy, who once upon a time ago was the Utah co-chairman for Michael Dukakis' Hindenburg-like campaign for U.S. President, suddenly decides he no longer wants anything to do with these godless Democrats who also happen to be his family. But his decision to move from crazy Cali to mild, austere Utah to attend Brigham Young University and convert to Mormonism has NOTHING to do with the fact that he is the wayward son of two prominent Democrats and the half-brother of a Brown-educated liberal politician and multi-talented entertainer, John Dukakis, who actually makes his parents proud, not dry heave repeatedly any time his name is mentioned.

So this Jason character, who apparently has worked out all his family issues, heads to BYU where he excels at football (if placekicker indeed counts as "playing") until a chance meeting with Ronnie Reagan in 1990 blew his mind (maybe he could be his daddy?) and propelled him on his current path as a crazy Republican wingnut trying to preserve traditional marriage so as to spare the next generation from suffering his same terrible non-nuclear childhood in Sodom & Gomorrah San Francisco.

Not to say his kooky right-wing stance on everything from global warming (liberal hoax) and immigration (put 'em in barbed-wire tent cities) to sinful gay marriage (the ULTIMATE abomination before the Lord) has anything to do with unresolved family issues.

Or the fact that his biological father John Chaffetz is a gay-rights advocate and author of popular pro-gay marriage book, Gay Reality: The Team Guido Story.

Or the fact that in a December 11, 1989 Sports Illustrated article, legendary BYU placekicker Jason Chaffetz described his position in the rough 'n tumble manly sport of AMERICAN FOOTBALL: "It's like being a ballet dancer—tight pants, a little contact and a whole lot of kicking."

Which is exactly how you'd expect any confident, straight, testosterone-fueled man to describe their athletic prowess on the field, especially in the 100% heterosexual sport of Football.

Or at least someone with such impressive leg strength and dexterity that they fold like a cheap suit five seconds after being manhandled in a nationally televised leg-wrestling match with Stephen Colbert.

This guy is straight-as-an-arrow! Or at least the kind of arrow who just loooooves ballet and simply cannot say no to rolling around on the floor with another grown man.

Nope, Rep. Chaffetz's obsession with keeping the dreaded gays off the altar is not the least bit suspicious. Much like his sexual orientation.

Mano y Mano: Colbert Vs. Chaffetz

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Much Like Crack-Smoking Mayors, DC Decides Gay Marriage is A-Ok!

Sick and tired of getting screwed out of representation in Congress, the District of Columbia decided to stick it to the man the only way they know how: letting the gays get married. Yay!

The bill, approved 11-2 in the D.C. City Council, will now head (ha ha head) to Democratic Mayor Adrian M. Fenty who is expected to sign the legislation and basically destroy the sanctity of opposite sex marriage in the United States, in all its one man plus one woman plus ten Vegas showgirls and one Elvis Presley impersonator glory.

Barring any sudden appearances by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse or surprise moves by the Democratic-controlled House and Senate or President Obama to block the legislation within 30 legislative days, the homo bill will become hetero law this spring. Ooooh, just in time for the Azalea blossom!

But before you get too excited over Adam and Steve's deviant plot to destroy America by promising to love each other 'til death do them part, fear not because I'm basically positive that one crazy congressman or another will make a furious attempt to thwart this wicked gay agenda in an attempt to score some brownie points with the enlightened folks who hold the key to their re-election back in the muddy swamplands they call home.

Like council member and former DC Mayor Marion Barry (D-Ward 8) who during the debate, said he could not support the bill, but acknowledged the legislative body was making history.

"This must be a proud day for you David, Mr. Graham," Barry said, referring to the two openly gay council members, Jim Graham and David A. Catania.

"Just as it was a proud day for me when the voting rights bill was passed in 1965, the onetime civil rights leader explained. "But this is a democracy and I reserve the right to disagree."

So while Mr. Marion Barry certainly understands the struggles of an oppressed minority, he simply CANNOT support equal rights for this particular oppressed minority.

Don't blame him. Blame his morals!

Nothing against the gays or anything, it's just his strong moral values cannot be reconciled with allowing two people with the same reproductive organs to come together in such unholy matrimony.

Now if you'll excuse Mr. Marion Barry Jesus of Nazareth, he has some crack to smoke, taxes to evade, and ex-girlfriends to stalk.

None of which is his fault either, he'll have you know. Everyone knows the damn "bitch set him up!"

Hmmm, sounds like something a lesbian might do.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Joe Lieberman Wins His Millionth Consecutive Worst Person Award!

Seriously, I'm beginning to think the best public option for health care reform may be to kill Joe Lieberman and simply be done with the whole "Wah Wah nobody likes me because I'm a dishonest, deceitful, conniving, backstabbing, boring old fuddyduddy who sucks the oxygen from every room" routine. Because, quite frankly, it's getting a bit stale.

But the will of millions of Americans, and the 59 Democratic senators working hard to get something done other than desperately trying to get that chocolate-hued President tossed out on his behind, means nothing to ol' Joe! Nor does going back on
his pledge to support the Medicare buy-in proposal HE insisted replace the so-called "public option" for no reason except the sheer enjoyment he gets from personally destroying other peoples' happiness.

It's just Joe's style.

From Talking Points Memo:
In a move that senior leadership aides say has left them stunned, Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT) has told Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) that he will filibuster a tentative public option compromise unless it's stripped of its key component: a measure that would allow people aged 55-64 to buy insurance through Medicare.

The development casts substantial doubt on whether or not a health care reform bill can pass in the Senate, and even more doubt on whether a bill that does pass the Senate will be reconcilable with substantially more progressive House legislation in such a way that a final reform package can once again pass in both chambers of Congress.

Ummm yeah that's usually what happens when the key 60th vote suddenly decides he now absolutely despises and will have nothing to do with the very Medicare buy-in proposal HE SUPPORTED THREE MONTHS AGO simply because, well, it pains him terribly to do anything to help anyone except himself. Ever.

So, now the question becomes how will the White House and an enraged Harry Reid respond to the latest slap-in-the-face by professional turncoat Joe Lieberman? Shall they bring the smackdown and get his wayward ass back in line by threatening to strip him of his beloved chairmanships or continue the whole "Munich" approach since it worked so well with Hitler and all?

The White House is encouraging Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) to cut a deal with Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-Conn.) and eliminate the proposed Medicare expansion in the health reform bill, according to an official close to the negotiations.

But Reid is described as so frustrated with Lieberman that he is not ready to sacrifice a key element of the health care bill, and first wants to see the Congressional Budget Office cost analysis of the Medicare buy-in. The analysis is expected early this week.

“There is a weariness and a lot of frustration that one person is holding up the will of 59 others,” the official said. “There is still too much anger and confusion at one particular senator’s reversal.”

Which is why a really great idea would be to now change the bill, or at least get rid of the latest addition Joe insisted upon but now can't stand in order to appease the old coot until he comes up with the next pretend reason why he must ruin everything. For everyone. Again.

But hey, don't blame Joe. He's just doing what he does best!

After Monday evening's meeting with the White House to discuss how to proceed, Sen. Evan Bayh, a moderate Democrat, said, "To use an old cliche, the general consensus was we shouldn't make the perfect the enemy of the good."

Of course not! We should make the asshole its best friend instead.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Houston We Have a Problem: Annise Parker to be First Openly Gay Mayor in City History

Holy flaming cannoli! After stinging defeats in Maine and that godless cesspool New York, it seemed those feisty gays would be condemned to eternally wander, cold and alone, with nary a constitutional protection to call their own.

But then like a beautiful rainbow after the storm, a glimmer of light broke through the dark menacing clouds, and there, deep in the Red-blooded heart of Texas, history was made.

Much like its fellow unlikely Defender of Queer, Iowa, America's fourth-largest city, Houston, figured why the hell not join the progress party and elect their very own gay to public office. For fun!

Despite the double edged-sword of being both a woman and a sinful lesbian in a state not known to be particularly fond of either, City controller Annise Parker handily defeated her Democratic challenger, former city attorney Gene Locke, 53 percent to 47 percent, to claim victory as the first openly gay (and second openly female) mayor in Houston's history.

Other cities such as Providence, Rhode Island, and Portland, Oregon, have picked openly gay mayors, but they don't really count since neither state has ever prided themselves on being a bunch of homophobic racists hellbent on seceding from the God-awful Union of sin called America. Turns out, ignorance, bigotry and deep-seated aversion to change does bring with it certain advantages.

Like making it extra special when the very city that just a few years ago rejected offering benefits to same-sex partners of city workers, in a state that already banned gay marriage, suddenly votes to elect a member of this dreaded species into power as its fabulous new mayor.

"There's a certain segment of Houston, there's a certain segment of society that has problems with the issues around sexual orientation," 53-year-old Annise Parker said. "But the citizens of Houston have elected me six consecutive times to public office. They know me, they trust me."

"Houston is a multiracial, multicultural, international city. And I think my election will send a message to the world that Houston is a city that might surprise a lot of folks."

“Tonight the voters of Houston have opened the door to history," Parker said, standing by her partner of 19 years, Kathy Hubbard, and their three adopted children. "I acknowledge that. I embrace that. I know what this win means to many of us who never thought we could achieve high office."

"I have always stood up for the fact that I am gay. It's part of the resume that I bring to the table, but it's just a piece of the package," she said.

The real problem isn't the fact that this proud Texan's a Democrat, woman, or even a gay. But something much, much worse: a Rice alum (gasp!).

Which effectively means the Republic of Texas' days of being the reliable outpost of backwards-thinking cowboys, confederates, and Jesus freak secessionists we've come to know and laugh at, are officially on life support.

Guess Grandma isn't the only one who needs to be worried about plug-pulling death squads.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Teabaggers to Feign Violent Death in Senate Offices Because of ???

It has been well over a month since intelligent, freedom-loving men and women from across this great land don their colonial best, polish their guns to glistening perfection, and march on Capitol Hill to toss teabags at our elected officials because of their plans to put Grandma out of her misery and also help average Americans not die simply for being poor.

But luckily for us, the Teabaggers have a brilliant
new strategy to stop this out-of-control Congress hell-bent on Socialism. Which means next Tuesday it's the Senate's turn to feel the furious wrath of a teabagger scorned.

Real American folks will storm into Senate office buildings and exercise their right to act like a bunch of morons, by moaning and shrieking in agonizing pain before falling to the floor lifeless, as part of their ingenious "pretend to die" plan.

The latest call to arms from the Teabaggers' website, sponsored by former Republican House majority leader, freedom-fighting lobbyist and still-embarrassingly, albeit appropriately named, Dick Armey:

So here’s the plan. On Tuesday, December 15 at 8:45 AM thousands of us will meet in Washington, DC at the fountain in Upper Senate Park. From there we will march to the Senate offices, go inside, and demonstrate our opposition to the government takeover of health care. We call this plan “Government Waiting Rooms”. The intention is to go inside the Senate offices and hallways, and play out the role of patients waiting for treatment in government controlled medical facilities. As the day goes on some of us will pretend to die from our untreated illnesses and collapse on the floor. Many of us plan to stay there until they force us to leave. A backup location for this demonstration will be announced if they block us from entering the offices.

We need as many of you as possible to be there to make our point loudly and clearly. Please make plans to attend. We know it’s a sacrifice to do this right before Christmas. But throughout history American Patriots have made far greater sacrifices than this to protect our liberty. Now the burden (and the honor) falls on us.

So please, please bring your best "death by _____" (fill in the blank with dreaded disease of your choosing) skills as part of this massive performance art piece to show America what happens when desperate nutjobs gather together to fake their deaths in collective unison for freedom.

But remember people, if you're going to pretend to go into hemorrhagic shock outside the office of Harry Reid, you better spend some time on WebMD so you know what you're talking dying about.

And no, death by chocolate does NOT count as a legitimate demise.

That said, shotgun on Ebola!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Holy Cow-on-the-Tracks! Wacky RNC Chairman Michael Steeles the Show

Thanks to the magical land of tubes known as the Internets, precious moments once relegated to a secret corner of the attic can now be enjoyed by any loser with a computer and a connection.

That means everyday schlubs like you and me can now enjoy once-hidden treasures like this hilarious photo album of endlessly entertaining RNC Chairman Michael Steele striking various wacky poses with his awesome interns. Off-the-hook yo!

I don't know about you but I, for one, can think of nothing more delightful than chillin' with the chairman of the Republican National Committee while he shows off his phat skillz connecting with today's hip-hop Republican youth. For fun!

HAHAHAHAHA, he's so cool and wacky, he can even make a whole album of goofy photos. We're talkin' fist-bumps, badass arm-crosses, headlocks, hilarious bald-head rubbing, the old point and laugh, crazy back-to-back action, wild peace sign flashin', fake marriage proposals, the classic flamingo pose, and some of the craziest impromptu open mouth moves this side of the Potomac.

Because anything can happen when you're a wild and wacky Republican intern who just so happens to have the coolest cow in the world as your boss. Moo, Motherf**kers, moo!

Jenny Sanford Spreads the Holiday Cheer With Some Nice, Old Fashioned Divorce Papers

Did Babs Walters' 10 most fascinating people special push Jenny Sanford over the edge by reminding her of that dumb, still-husband of hers Mark Sanford, whose compass famously navigated him from the innocent trails of the Appalachians to the smooth, welcoming arms of his Latina lover 3,000 miles away in Buenos Aires?

Could be. What we do know however, is that either way, the intelligent, likable half of the Sanford clan, Jenny Sanford has filed for divorce from her famed nature-loving adventurist poet governor hubby Mark despite his tear-filled pleas about how getting caught secretly banging South American mistresses is really just an innocent test from God.

As will the next remarkably curvy, perfectly well-endowed test from Above and the one after that and the one after that, and so on and so forth until he has firmly proved his faith to God by gratuitously cheating on his long-suffering wife Jenny and shirking his responsibilities to the good people of South Carolina.

As so many of us know, the dissolution of any marriage is a sad and painful process. It is also a very personal and private one. Because Mark and I are public figures, we have naturally had less privacy with which to deal with our difficulties than do other couples. Indeed, I know it will soon become known so I choose to release this brief notice that I am now filing for divorce. This came after many unsuccessful efforts at reconciliation, yet I am still dedicated to keeping the process that lies ahead peaceful for our family.

I remain thankful to so many across this state and nation for their words of encouragement and prayers during this difficult time. Please know the boys and I are doing well and are blessed with the incredible support of friends and family and bolstered by our faith and the unfailing love of our God above.

Now, may He strike down upon thee (cheating husband) with great vengeance and furious anger so you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. Amen.

Oh, and Merry Christmas or shall we say, Feliz Navidad.

Don't you just love this time of year?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

When it Comes to Accuracy in News, Fox is a Whole Other Animal

*This is not a scientific poll

Yay! Apparently, Fox News is VERY serious about its new "zero tolerance policy" to gain credibility and abandon the whole laughingstock approach that's pretty much been their bread and butter for the past, oh, ten or so years, by using actual facts instead of whichever voice is in Glenn Beck's head at that particular moment.

Fox News is so serious about adhering to these industry-wide journalistic standards of being slightly more competent than your average household pet that they even include a *disclaimer* about the "non-scientific" nature of their recent "scientific" poll.

Which is a big step for Fox! Just in case the small fact that the poll makes absolutely zero sense is lost upon the sharp, inquisitive minds of Fox News viewers.

Because sometimes polls can be very confusing! Especially when it involves Fox News getting a simple yes-or-no question like "Does Obama deserve the Nobel Peace Prize?" correct.


Sharp as a fox, they are!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Is That a Tiger in His Pocket or is Rod Jetton Beating and Choking Women During Sex Again?

At least Tiger Woods has one thing to be thankful for during this recent rough stretch: Former Missouri House Speaker and Republican values posterboy Rod Jetton.

Compared to Rod, Tiger's "transgressions" almost seem, dare I say, normal or at least "normal" for a married guy whose sextracurricular activities include a heavy rotation of whores and cocktail waitresses while his hot wifey and kids sleep sound 'n snug at home.

Yes, thanks to Hot Rod here, Tiger narrowly avoids the Gold (plated) medal for biggest sleazebag of the year, falling just short of the title for one of the first times in his illustrious career as a golfer closeted sex fiend.

Instead, top honors go to onetime Missouri House Speaker and all-around good guy Rod Jetton, who was arrested Monday night for allegedly beating the bejesus out of a ladyfriend during another ho-hum night of hardcore S&M sex gone wrong.

Being the devout Methodist churchgoer and deviant sex wizard that he is, Jetton of course took all the necessary precautions by creating a safe word "green balloons" in case something should go awry while beating and choking your sex partner within inches of their life.

Only problem being that it's semi difficult for anyone to say a "safe" word or any word for that matter, when your caring sex partner has taken it upon his genteel self to kindly roofie your drink and beat you into unconsciousness.

The Scott County court clerk confirms a felony complaint has been filed against former Missouri House Speaker Rod Jetton for a Nov. 15 incident in Sikeston, MO alleging that Jetton "recklessly caused serious physical injury to ——- by hitting her on the head, and choking her resulting in unconsciousness and the loss of the function of part of her body." Delightful!
According to the probable cause affidavit, Jetton met with the woman in the evening on November 15th. Jetton discussed having intercourse with the woman earlier in the day over the phone and later went to the woman's residence in Sikeston, Mo. with two bottles of wine, according to the report.

"The woman said she did not see him pour the wine because she did not follow him into the kitchen, but he returned to the living room and handed her a glass of wine. The woman remembers watching a football game and said once she finished the glass of wine, she began 'fading' in and out and remembered losing consciousness several times during the evening," wrote Detective Bethany McDermott in her report.

McDermott reports that Jetton and the woman agreed on a safe word of "green ballons" to use as a stop word during intercourse.

"The woman recalls Jetton hitting her on the face very hard. She then remembers waking up, lying on the floor and Jetton was choking her. The woman said she did not know what happened with her memory because she had been drunk but had never had the blank spots in her memory," McDermott reported.

"The woman said Jetton stayed the night with her and when he woke up he gave her a kiss and said, 'You should have said green balloons.' Jetton left the woman's residence and had not returned," McDermott added.
So in light of the evidence that longtime crusader against deviant sexual intercourse (aka homosinuality), Republican family man Rod Jetton beat the sh*t out of his drunk, drugged and semiconscious mistress while having freaky sex, making it super hard for her to say "green balloons" and also breathe, Jetton will officially dissolve his lobbying firm and leave politics to "deal with false allegations and spend time with his family." Likely in an S&M dungeon.

Call me old-fashioned but whatever happened to those kinder, gentler days when a bottle of wine and a nice pair of lace panties were still enough to satisfy your man?

**Sigh.** Guess they just don't make 'em like they used to!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Meghan McCain Can't Understand Why Hollywood Doesn't See War as Playful Romp Through Gum Drop Forest

Meghan McCain is very upset. And this time, it's not even 'cause of a bad hair day or 'cause everyone is talking about her bountiful breasts which she took a picture of and posted on Twitter because she loves America that much. Nope, not even close. This time it's even worse: Hollywood.

Meggy just doesn't understand why the stars and elitists over in Hollywood hate our troops so much. She, for one, adores them. They're so cute, cuddly and heroic, how could you not just wanna squeeze 'em and kiss 'em?

Which is why she is terribly upset, no make that outraged, that the new Tobey Maguire, Jake Gyllenhaal, Natalie Portman film "Brothers" she saw over the weekend about a Marine serving in Afghanistan didn't portray our war heroes as realistically as you'd expect from a big Hollywood Blockbuster.

Meghan asked her mother Cindy if she would come see the movie with her, but naturally Cindy said "she didn't want to give any money to a movie in which the preview showed the soldier coming back home and waving a gun at his family in their driveway." Hits too close to home or something.

I mean how ridiculous is that? Such obscene things would never happen. If anything, he would just divorce his now crippled wife and leave his old family for a fresh start with a much younger, richer blond heiress who still has use of her legs.

While Meghan was also deeply disturbed by the preview, her curiosity about Hollywood's take on our soldiers and the current wars in Iraq and Afghanistan triumphed and Meggy was forced to endure "Brothers" all by her lonesome.

This is where the plot thickens my friends! So Megs and her popcorn are just chilling at the theater waiting to see what crazy perversion of war Hollywood's come up with now. Like showing our soldiers as deserters or whackjobs instead of the perfect specimens of humanity Meghan knows they really are.

In Brothers, not only does one of the Marines captured by the Taliban actually say that he "realized we shouldn’t be there," but Maguire’s character Sam beats a fellow soldier to death with a lead pipe. Sam then returns home to his family and goes AWOL trying to kill both his wife and his brother.

Can you believe the nerve of these Hollywood hotshots, portraying soldiers as real human beings with feelings whose experience in war is sometimes so traumatic that they actually have trouble readjusting to civilian life afterward?

Well, Megan cannot.

"I don’t care if every producer, director, and screenwriter in Hollywood is against the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq (and presumably most are), what offends me is the portrayal of soldiers as cowards and lunatics—driven to such lengths that they come home and try to kill their families," Meghan writes.

"Obviously, post-traumatic stress disorder has become more prevalent in the military and clearly this is a problem that needs to be seriously addressed. But I believe these films add to the damage when they portray soldiers as disloyal, unwilling to serve, and against the missions themselves. In my experience, this couldn’t be further from the truth."

After all, she is the daughter of a onetime POW turned politician, so she knows everything there is to know about war.

In other words, Meghan knows post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) exists and all, but still doesn't understand why we have to focus on the "ugly" side of war, when everyone knows war is mostly about having a good time and also shooting some people.

"How many deserters do you actually hear about on the news? Not very many. Unfortunately, the thousands of stories about heroism and courage that could be told about our soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan are not in the interest of many Hollywood filmmakers, and so a real disservice is being done to these troops. These films only perpetuate negative stereotypes about soldiers and the military. At a time when support for the war in Afghanistan is dividing this country, I simply don’t understand why Hollywood insists on portraying our soldiers in such a negative light. If Vietnam taught us anything, it was hate the war, love the warrior."

Right on Meggy! Hate the war but love the warrior. By sending them to die in some proxy war in the Vietnamese jungle (or mountainous desert terrain). And if they're "brave" enough to actually come back in one piece, don't provide them with any mental and or physical support for their injuries or sacrifices. But whatever you do, certainly don't acknowledge the heavy burden many of them now carry as a result of their dedicated service to America or in any way help them put the pieces of their shattered lives back together.

Because that shows weakness. And strong, brave American soldiers are NEVER weak, understand? NEVER! They are brave courageous men and women whose haunting memories of the horrors of war gently fall off them like leaves fall from trees in autumn.

It's just a shame Hollywood still has the silly notion that war is hell, when it's really helloooo opportunity, or in Daddy's case, helloooo presidency. Almost.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Dirty Harry to Outraged Republicans: Go Ahead, Make My Day!

For such a frail man, Senate Majority Leader and good-natured Mormon Harry "Mason" Reid sure manages to cause quite a stir. Especially when it comes to pissing off Republicans by saying things that are actually rooted in fact and reality and not just a figment of imagination from some teabagger's twisted mind.
Instead of joining us on the right side of history, all the Republicans can come up with is this:, 'slow down, stop everything, let's start over.' If you think you've heard these same excuses before, you're right. When this country belatedly recognized the wrongs of slavery, there were those who dug in their heels and said, 'Slow down, it's too early, let's wait, things aren't bad enough.'

When women spoke up for the right to speak up, they wanted to vote, some insisted they simply, slow down, there will be a better day to do that, today isn't quite right.

When this body was on the verge of guaranteeing equal civil rights to everyone regardless of the color of their skin, some senators resorted to the same filibuster threats we hear today.

Turns out Harry is one tough li'l Mormon. Not only will he not apologize for his comments likening Republicans' attempts to kill health care reform to the same obstructive tactics used to prolong slavery and stall womens' suffrage and civil rights, he doesn't even believe the GOP is mad at all, calling the Republicans' puffy, red-faced indignation nothing more than manufactured outrage not worth a second of his time.
It is hard to believe Senate Republicans are making these charges with a straight face.

For the past eight days they've done nothing but obstruct health care on the Senate floor and throughout this year have played politics with this and virtually every other issue of importance to the American people.

Today's feigned outrage is nothing but a ploy to distract from the fact they have no plan to lower the cost of health care, stop insurance company abuses or protect Medicare.

And for those who are counting, Republicans have now held one press conference on manufactured anger and have issued one manual on how to grind the Senate to a halt but have held zero press conferences and issued zero plans on how to help Americans afford to live a healthy life.

How dare you suggest the Republicans care more about stopping NObama and the terrible Democrats in charge than providing affordable health insurance to all Americans?

Have they not proved their sincerity and dedication by calling Obama Hitler, waving Nazi signs, spreading death panel and dead grandma rumors, and circulating memos about the best way to grind the health care debate to a halt, with the extra bonus of impeding any and all progress just 'cause they like being bastards?

Of course, always dignified Republicans were naturally very upset over such meany words. From the esteemed Senate Majority Leader no less!

Sen. John Thune called the remarks "inflammatory and irresponsible," Sen. Tom Coburn was "personally offended," and Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison said there's "no place for language like that."

Has Harry no decency?

But then again I guess it's not surprising coming from the party that duped the American people into electing a secret Muslim terrorist who may or may not be a natural born citizen of this great country as President of the United States of Socialism.

RNC Committee chairman Michael Steele said the comments were "absurd and offensive" and demanded an apology.

"This is inexcusable, deeply insulting and an arrogant abuse of the Democrat party's unchecked power in Congress," Steele said in a statement. He also called for Democrats to re-evaluate Reid's "fitness to lead."

Which is always convincing coming from the pinnacle of mental clarity and stability, off-the-hook cow-on-the-tracks, Michael Steele.

Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-Ga) couldn't agree more. "They are so desperate that it is unbelievable. And for Senator Reid to go out this morning and make such an outlandish statement like he made, just is another indication of the desperation that the Democrats are showing and the pressure that they're feeling."

It sure is! If there's one thing the Republicans know for sure it is that everyone hates a party but loves a party pooper.

Or is it the other way around?

Hmmm, I guess such small details don't matter when you're totally irrelevant!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Sarah Palin's So Gifted, She Can Even Say Funny Things Other People Wrote

In a nod to either Fidel Castro (minus the commie red star) or Brittney Spears circa 2005, professional celebrity and book tour legend Sarah Palin took her one-woman act to Washington, DC to appear as the GOP's representative joke-teller at the annual winter Gridiron Dinner. Oh, you betcha!

There the world's most famous losing candidate took a break from the usual incoherent bashing of the elitist media and what's-his-name in the White House to try her hand as the Beltway's newest stand-up comic.

And with dozens of zingers packed into all 11 ½ minutes of her speech, Sarah certainly didn't disappoint.

"Sometimes you just gotta trust your instincts," she said, "and when you don’t, you end up in places like this." But it had some value: "At least now I can put a face to the newspapers I do read." Ha ha, not so perky now, are you Couric?

Palin, whose intelligence has been widely challenged by many in the audience (and in the rest of the country), said she was pleased to appear before such an elite audience of intellectual heavyweights: "Or as I like to call it, a death panel."

But, look on the bright side, if the 2008 presidential election had turned out differently, "I could be the one overseeing the signing of bailout checks and Vice President Biden could be on the road selling his book, 'Going Rogaine.'"

HAHAHAHAHA then he'd be the one making $7 million dollar signing bonuses on a book he pretended to write and she'd be the one solvin' all the world's problems. Ya know by lettin' the people keep their hard-earned money 'stead of havin' to give it all to the big bad government.

While the Gridiron Dinner is typically off-the-record--as with most "Palin" events--the media couldn't stay away from their favorite dysfunctional love-hate relationship and an exception was made to allow coverage of their favorite Alaskan superstar.

"The view is so much better from inside the bus than under it," Palin joked in a swipe at rumored tensions between the running mates on the campaign trail. Aww snap! Who's laughing now, Gramps?

Then Sarah joked about the snow outside—"I'm lovin' the weather—feelin’ right at home" and talked about going out for a jog, "or as Newsweek calls it, a cover shoot."

Palin also revealed some juicy secrets about how she actually considered a different title for her amazing best-selling book: "How to Look Like a Million Bucks for Only $150,000," but that hot snowmobiling hubby Todd thought "The Audacity of the North Slope" sounded better. Not that he knows what it means or anything.

Sarah did find time to chide the evil Washington elite for wanting "Going Rogue" to have an index like a normal book, saying, "if it did, it would start with A for Alaska, and how the media didn’t understand, pages 1-432. B would be for biased media, pages 1-432." LOL! Dumb liberal media who hate Sarah so much that they constantly feel the need to swarm around wherever her maverick life of adventures takes her.

Which reminds her of a funny thing that happened just the other day.

She was looking at a magazine cover of President Obama and Chinese president Hu Jintao during a recent commercial flight when a nearby passenger said, "Hu's the Communist." Pause. "I thought he was asking a question."

Hahahah just kidding, Sarah wouldn't be caught dead flying commercial.

But either way, Sarah once again shined as the shimmering showstopper she is, despite some stiff competition from the Democrats' own sharp-tongued maverick, House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank in all liberal non-dining room table talking self.

Poking fun at politicians' obsession with that adorable new social media site with a cartoon powder blue bird, Twitter, Glitter or whatever you call it.

"Maybe I lack intellectual curiosity," Frank said, "but I'm not that interested in what Claire McCaskill has for lunch."

Maybe that's because you're gay.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

"Governor" Palin's Very Important Book Tour Demands Strict Media Guidelines

Famous Alaskan floozy Sarah Palan continued her Going Rogue tour across the Lower 48, thrilling the good folks in small towns and mid-major cities with her wit, charm, and adorable maverick ways.

Next stop on Sarah's whistlestop tour is none other than Minnesota's world famous Mall of America, where our favorite Alaskan snowflake will delight huge "crowds" of ten or so people by sayin' a few words and signin' a few books before tiring of having adoring fans worship her and buy her overpriced, trashy book about how John McCain lost the presidency for her.

Of course, her majesty's exciting arrival in the twin cities also brings with it certain conditions. Especially if you happen to be some hippie dippie tree-hugging member of the liberal mainstream media elite.

For one thing, if you don't speaky the English, kindly get the f out of her face and go back to Arabia or Africa or wherever it is you came from because Sarah's event is for Americans only. Also, no fancy, smart-alec questions, dumb questions or any questions, for that matter, from you journalist whores who are simply jealous of Miss Palin's success because she's so smart and good-looking and can do whatever she puts her little maverick mind to.

What you can do however, is watch Sarah in quiet adulation for ten minutes while she assaults your senses and destroys your faith in humanity. Only then may you proceed to purchase your very own copy of her bestselling, Pulitzer-worthy 432-page testament to herself, Going Rogue!

A list of some of Sarah's totally appropriate media guidelines, courtesy of TV station WCCO of Minneapolis:

For Palin’s appearance at the Mall of America next week we received a list of seven media guidelines, including one stating there can be no foreign press — only English-speaking press and another that said media must address Palin as “Governor.”

The other rules include no interviews — but if the media want one, a request must be submitted to her publicist — plus no microphones, only background sound and pictures and only the first 10 minutes of her appearance can be taped.

Wow. This woman sure is something, isn't she? First she runs around breaking all the rules like some crazed maverick gone wild. And now all of a sudden, she's making laundry lists of arbitrary, asinine demands like insisting everyone call her "Governor" six months AFTER she quit being the governor (in her first term) to get rich selling the trashy lies of a delusional mind to good folks in the real America.

Seriously, when will this woman just lead her freakshow, freedom-lovin' followers into the promised land or off the bridge to nowhere or anything to just go away and leave us sinners, heretics, homosexuals, socialists, and abortionists all to our eternal hellfire burning selves?

Friday, December 4, 2009

Should Teabaggers Embrace Their Moniker As The New, Freedom Fighting Version of N****r?

As President Obama deals with the war in Afghanistan, providing millions of Americans with adequate health care, a sluggish economy and widespread unemployment, conservatives are grappling with some weighty issues of their own: "to 'teabag' or not to 'teabag.'"

Yes, proud, patriotic teabaggers all across the land are now faced with the pressing conundrum of whether to embrace a term previously associated with the incredibly sexy act of dipping testicles into the open, gaping mouth of another or slapping them atop the head, cheek or anywhere else balls can be swung.

But fear not because National Review senior editor Jay Nordlinger is here to guide these loyal, intelligent patriots through the murky haze of whether they want their movement to be defined by one of the more ridiculous sexual practices
and if not, what they intend to do about it.

Perhaps they should embrace the term "teabagger" as a kind of badge of honor, and "own the insult" by taking what is intended as a slur and wearing it proudly?
"What about a special case — the worst word in American English, as some of us see it, namely the N-word? When I was growing up, in Ann Arbor, Mich., there was a little debate: Should school officials try to prevent black students from using the N-word? I don’t believe the issue was ever settled. And this brings up the question of whether “teabagger” could be kind of a conservative N-word: to be used in the family, but radioactive outside the family."

Regrettably, Nordlinger decides his brilliant suggestion to turn teabagger into the new N-word may not be such a good idea after all for a group of ignorant white people who don't hate black people but just don't feel comfortable having their country run by one, especially a secret Muslim terrorist one from Kenya, thank you very much.

Which is a shame really, because embracing teabagger as their version of n****r clearly is the most reasonable and intelligent way to lend credibility to a movement so savvy, they decided bobbing testicles would be the perfect description for a cause as noble as theirs.

"It may well be too late to purge "teabagger" from our discourse, certainly from discourse controlled by liberals. But I'm for giving it a try: for running "teabagger" out of town, even at this late date. It is really a lowdown term. "Tea partier" is a neutral term. "Tea-party patriots" is a positive term, used by some of the protesters themselves. "Teabagger" -- not so positive, and not so neutral."
So the next time you and all the rest of your patriotic friends want to dress up as Ben Franklin and wave Nazi signs simply because you love freedom that much, a good idea may be to try to use a name that doesn't conjure up images of drunken fratboys getting hazed or all the funny ways you can use male reproductive organs for laughs and good cheer.

Oh, and here's a helpful hint: other words to avoid include feminine hygiene products, i.e. douchebaggers, anything with the name Joe in it (six-pack, plumber or otherwise), anything that includes the word nut, job, or any combination thereof, phrases with hidden homosexual connotations (bear, cub, fist, otter, twink, trick, top, bottom etc), and other abbreviated phrases or acronyms that may give the wrong impression, such as KKK, MILF, STD, ASS or DILDO.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

New York Nixes Gay Marriage, Reminding Us That It's Still a State in Appalachia

Just Not In Their Backyard

Yay! The land of the free remains but a cruel joke as the rights of that one group of colorful misfits known as the gays were once again denied equal rights and the same constitutional protections granted to the rest of us normal, God-loving breeders.

That's right folks! The good people of the New York State Senate voted 24-38 to defeat marriage equality and keep the gays guessing about if and when they'll be treated like real, worthy American citizens instead of some well-dressed alien species out to destroy the bedrock of society, heterosexual marriage, in all its sacred 50% divorce rate.

Thanks to the hard work of eight key swing Democrats, who hold a slight one-seat majority, the bill was handily defeated and apocalypse avoided. Naturally, not a single Republican senator voted for the bill lest they give people the impression they support gays or heavens forbid, have gone gay themselves.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg applauded "the 24 senators who courageously and compassionately voted 'yes,'" and expressed his disappointment at the Senate's rejection of the same-sex marriage bill and and true equality and justice for all New Yorkers.

If only there were something Bloomie could have done? Perhaps, something in short supply, everyone wants, and he has more than enough of?

No, not money, silly! The freedom to enter and end as many loveless, miserable marriages as his little hetero heart desires.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Sen. Charles Grassley is Fond of Tits, Particularly the Public Kind

Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) is no stranger to saying ridiculous things about that terrible Barry man via his rather loose mouth or fast-flying Twitter-trained fingers.

Ol' Grassley also never passes up an opportunity to use his favoritest word "tit"
whenever he humors sniveling, snot-faced journalists with his distinct oratory talents.

Like on C-SPAN's Washington Journal this morning, when Grassley attempts to reconcile his desperate, confusing life shrieking about the socialism that is health care reform while living off the fat of his (government subsidized) land for the past 50 or so years.

Grassley's response after a caller argued that as a public official, Grassley has been, in some ways, living off the government, including government subsidies on his farm:

GRASSLEY: For the first 16 years I made $3,000 every other year as a state legislator. Now do you expect me to live on $3,000 every other year? No I was a factory worker for 10 years and I was a farmer for that period of time and I farm with my son now. So if you’re trying to make a case that I’ve lived off the public tit all these years, I think you’re saying correctly in the years I’ve been in the Congress but not the years before I came to Congress.

So basically the moral of the story is if you are trying to make the point that Grassley is a walking contradiction who talks out of both sides of his mouth, making outrageous remarks but but little sense, save your energy people!

Grassley can handle that all by himself. He's a big boy!

From Mama Grassley's tit to the taxpayers', Grassley's been sucking his entire life.