Stupid Is As Stupid's Taught:The Texas Two-Step Through History

Welcome to the Lone Star state, where everything is bigger, badder, and likely, beer-battered and deep fried, including the impressionable young brains of the good ol' boys and gals in Texas' already stellar public school system.

That's right, folks! Thanks to a 9-5 vote by the Republican-dominated Texas State Board of Education, the new, improved high school textbooks will now be rewritten from the more accurate point-of-view of Jesus Christ, white plantation owners, and other oft-unsung heroes typically discarded by the liberal, Jew-run media elites. Hooray!

After months of contentious debate and national controversy over making our portly neighbor to the South even more educationally challenged than it already is, the wingnuts, Jesus freaks, and secessionists comprising Texas' Board of Education finally passed new textbook standards that would make any bible thumpin', gun totin', cowboy hat sportin' Texan happier than a heapin' pile of BBQ pulled pork between two egg-dipped, butter-smothered pieces of Texas toast.

"The partisan board has amended or watered down the teaching of the civil rights movement, slavery, America's relationship with the U.N. and hundreds of other items. ... They dictate how political events and figures will be taught to some 4.8 million schoolchildren in Texas and beyond for the next decade."

Which means no more boring lectures about silly, irrelevant things like "civil rights," stubborn, lazy, old, colored ladies who refused to move to the back of the bus, or dumb dreams about equality and true freedom for all by some Doctor who thinks he's a King.

Finally, Texas schoolchildren can learn about what's really important: Jesus Christ, the friendly neighborhood gatherings of white hoods and robes, the Evil North's War of Aggression on the always-perfect South, the financial benefits of cotton pickin' slaves, and how America is the bestest, strongest, most perfect, God loving  country ever to grace the face of the Earth. Best. Ever!

Woohoo! 

Just like Republican board member Cynthia Dunbar always dreamed it would be.

"I believe no one can read the history of our country without realizing that the Good Book and the spirit of the Savior have from the beginning been our guiding geniuses. Whether we look to the first charter of Virginia, or the charter of New England ... the same objective is present: a Christian land governed by Christian principles," she said.

AMEN?

Err, at least once we, Christians, got rid of those pesky heathens in feathers and loincloths, painting their faces and passing around a peace pipe like a bunch of, uh, umm, uh...wild Indians??

But now that big, beautiful Texas is back to being in good, civilized (albeit blood-soaked) Christian hands, with its big, beautiful school board once again well-stocked with brilliant Christian scholars who understand humans descended from God sprinkled with Adam's rib, not some dumb apes in the Congo, and that slavery was nothing more than good business sense, the next generation of Texas' movers 'n shakers, future leaders, lawmakers, and professors will be well-equipped to face real 21st century challenges with a perfect blend of factual evidence and critical thinking.

During the months-long process, conservatives also have successfully strengthened the requirements on teaching the Judeo-Christian influences of the nation's Founding Fathers and attempted to water down rationale for the separation of church and state. If adopted, the standards will refer to the U.S. government as a "constitutional republic," rather than "democratic," and students will be required to "discuss alternatives regarding long term entitlements such as Social Security and Medicare, given the decreasing worker to retiree ratio."

Like get a job, poors!

But that's not it!

"The board has added language heralding "American exceptionalism" and the U.S. free enterprise system, suggesting it thrives best without excessive government intervention. It also required students learn to about the Second Amendment right to bear arms specifically, in addition to the Bill of Rights. And they removed a suggestion that students learn about hip-hop as an example of a significant social movement."

Does Michael Steele know about this?? The friggin' Chairman of off-the-hook, hip-hop youth is not gonna like this one, for reals yo! Dude's gonna be piiiiiiiiiissed! Wonder if he'll quit stay on as Chairman to really stick it to 'em.

They also agreed to delete a requirement that sociology students "explain how institutional racism is evident in American society."

Whoa, whoa whoa!! Racism, what racism!? All those "alleged" KKK round ups and public lynchings, Jim Crow laws, and segregation myths are nothing more than propaganda and lies manufactured by the liberal lamestream media (not to mention Barack HUSSEIN Obama!) to keep the Christian White Man down or feel "guilty" for nothing more than helping escort industrious young Africans over to the New World, complete with shackles and chains (at no extra cost!), without the added hassles of having to own anything...except four sturdy limbs for lifting!

A win-win situation all around, right?

Another clause says students must "describe the causes and key organizations and individuals of the conservative resurgence of the 1980s and 1990s, including, the Contract with America, the Heritage Foundation, the Moral Majority, and the National Rifle Association."

What about the national right-to-life Committee, the Westboro Baptist Church, and all the rest of the wonderful organizations doing God's work by murdering abortion doctors (baby killers!) and picketing slain gay soldiers' funerals with "God Hates Fags" signs. For freedom!

One of the board's most outspoken conservatives, offered an amendment requiring students to evaluate efforts by global organizations including the U.N. to undermine U.S. sovereignty, saying they threatened individual liberty and freedom.

Dang right they do! If we wanna bomb the bejesus out of some dumb A-rab nation (cause they have a lot of oil and once tried to kill daddy) and send the whole lot of 'em back to the Stone Age, then who the hell is the entire, stupid  "international community" to stop them? They're not God! God only speaks to born-again white American presidents who almost flunk college and choke on pretzels and distinguish themselves by driving around drunk and jobless well into their 30s, before becoming leaders of the free-world! Got it??

But all you Godless ignoramuses who didn't learn to reed, rite, and 'rithmetic down in God's country, aka good ol' Texas, probably wouldn't know nuthin' about it!

But if you think about it, I guess ignorance is bliss, because at least they (ivy-league educated liberals, Democrats, Socialists, Homos, Jews, Blacks, Mexis, Abortionists, and other sinners) won't know when the Rapture is upon us and they suddenly find themselves thrust into the seventh circle of hell, burning in eternal hellfire, screaming in agony, while Dick Cheney sodomizes them from behind, Michael Steele dances naked around a poll, and $arah Palin reads a passage from her new, bestselling book The Devil Wears Prada, winkin', laughin', and shrieking you betcha! until the Damned too repent for their sins and beg for mercy.

Hahahaha! Everyone knows real, Texas men don't forgive. They rewrite. Poorly.

Like A Fine Wine, Rick Perry's Complex Nutty Tones Ripen With Age

Texas Two-Step: Right, Righter, Rightest

Everything's bigger in Texas, including the level of insanity in this year's GOP primary, with incumbent Governor and current beautifully-coiffed captain of the runaway Republican crazy train Rick Perry locked in a bloody battle against boring, old, Socialist health care lovin' Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson and surprise, new spicy teabag o' freedom, certifiable lunatic Debra Medina, who is in no way a dirty Mexican like her name would suggest. In fact, she'd like to round up the whole smelly lot and ship 'em off somewhere terrible like the Godless North.

Sure, no one has a job, health care, or even four walls and roof to call their own, but here in the great state of Texas, residents care about important, everyday things like seceding the hell out of this terrible Union, keeping creationism in our schools (none of that crazy monkey theory!), and of course figuring out which evil conspirator, be it gay, Jew, or public servant, is really responsible for the terrorist attacks of 9/11.

Ah yes, the furious fight for the future of the Grand Old Party in Grand Old Texas is quickly turning into a spectacle of Jerry Springer proportion, with Perry, Hutchinson, and Medusa Medina battling it out in a no-holds barred battle between the dapper, well-groomed far-right, the boring, sensible center-right, and the crackhead Wingnut-right, respectively, for the oversized heart of the confederacy, the one and only Republic of Texas.

But when the dust settles and the blazing sun sinks low on the horizon, which of these contenders will rise in glorious victory to become the next double-sized, extra thick toast of Texas?

Front-runner, incumbent Gov. Slick Rick Perry is already the longest-serving governor in Texas history, having inherited the post as a goodbye gift from that other Texas stud George W. Bush after he was democratically elected(?) to bring his savvy brand of law and order (like executing retarded people) to the cesspool of liberalism and homosexuality known as mainland U.S.A.

Of course, Perry wasn't always riding high atop the decaffeinated, spice 'n herb wave of hysteria sweeping across the Texas Plains. In fact, he was actually losing to his bleeding-heart rival Kay Bailey Hutchinson before cementing his status as the new folk hero of the right by flirting with such fan favorites as scramming the hell out of this God-awful union and ensuring the good Lone Star boys 'n gals continue to set the standard in education with their sound, scientific belief that "humans and dinosaurs lived at the same time" and healthy skepticism of such liberal hullabaloo as "humans developed from earlier species." (Unless of course 'humans' really means women and 'earlier species' is another way of saying Adam's rib).

Which brings us to Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson, whose fiscal conservatism coupled with a centrist approach to social issues like abortion, helped make her among the most popular political figures in the state. That is, until the great Tea Revolution of 2008, when throngs of uneducated men and women wearing 'Jesus Saves' t-shirts collectively lost their minds over the ominous black takeover of the once-pure White House, and Miss Kay Bailey suddenly found herself as electable as a homo-friendly, Christ-killing, Jewish cowboy singer-gone-Independent by the name of Kinky Friedman.

Despite endorsements from such conservative Lone Star luminaries as George and Barbara Bush and former Vice President Dick Cheney (kiss of death?), the 66-year-old senior senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson's fate as an elite Washington insider with wacky new-age ideas like a woman's right to choose and the evolution of man was effectively sealed, along with any and all chance of moving into the Governor's mansion.

Then, there is dark horse teabag darling, nurse-turned-nut, Debra Medina, whose gun-crazed, Jesus-obsessed, bloody secessionist war-cryin', anti-government, immigrant, gay, and non-white male hostile rhetoric enabled her to slip into the tiny vacuum that existed to Perry's right.

Of course, the fact that the woman is clinically insane and proudly aligns herself with 9/11 Truthers, Dentist-Realtor-Attorney Orly Taitz's Birthers crew, and the freakshow Oath Keepers is no problem to the good ol' boys in Texas. Until she made the unforgivable mistake of finding herself on the wrong side of Glenn Beck's good graces during an on-air confrontation and thus on the wrong side of Right.

The Right side of which just so happens to come in the form of the only non-elitist, Washington outsider INCUMBENT governor Rick "Yes, you can be conservative and metrosexual" Perry, whose fearless re-election crusade against the federal government's "oppressive interference with the affairs of our state" apparently does not include the roughly $67 billion (or 37 percent of all Texas state funds) that actually come from said socialist federal government.

Only charismatic black comrade's-in-chief who somehow weaseled their skinny, illegal li'l behinds right to the top of it.

Much like the first War of Northern Aggression.

Houston We Have a Problem: Annise Parker to be First Openly Gay Mayor in City History

Holy flaming cannoli! After stinging defeats in Maine and that godless cesspool New York, it seemed those feisty gays would be condemned to eternally wander, cold and alone, with nary a constitutional protection to call their own.

But then like a beautiful rainbow after the storm, a glimmer of light broke through the dark menacing clouds, and there, deep in the Red-blooded heart of Texas, history was made.

Much like its fellow unlikely Defender of Queer, Iowa, America's fourth-largest city, Houston, figured why the hell not join the progress party and elect their very own gay to public office. For fun!

Despite the double edged-sword of being both a woman and a sinful lesbian in a state not known to be particularly fond of either, City controller Annise Parker handily defeated her Democratic challenger, former city attorney Gene Locke, 53 percent to 47 percent, to claim victory as the first openly gay (and second openly female) mayor in Houston's history.

Other cities such as Providence, Rhode Island, and Portland, Oregon, have picked openly gay mayors, but they don't really count since neither state has ever prided themselves on being a bunch of homophobic racists hellbent on seceding from the God-awful Union of sin called America. Turns out, ignorance, bigotry and deep-seated aversion to change does bring with it certain advantages.

Like making it extra special when the very city that just a few years ago rejected offering benefits to same-sex partners of city workers, in a state that already banned gay marriage, suddenly votes to elect a member of this dreaded species into power as its fabulous new mayor.

"There's a certain segment of Houston, there's a certain segment of society that has problems with the issues around sexual orientation," 53-year-old Annise Parker said. "But the citizens of Houston have elected me six consecutive times to public office. They know me, they trust me."

"Houston is a multiracial, multicultural, international city. And I think my election will send a message to the world that Houston is a city that might surprise a lot of folks."

“Tonight the voters of Houston have opened the door to history," Parker said, standing by her partner of 19 years, Kathy Hubbard, and their three adopted children. "I acknowledge that. I embrace that. I know what this win means to many of us who never thought we could achieve high office."

"I have always stood up for the fact that I am gay. It's part of the resume that I bring to the table, but it's just a piece of the package," she said.

The real problem isn't the fact that this proud Texan's a Democrat, woman, or even a gay. But something much, much worse: a Rice alum (gasp!).

Which effectively means the Republic of Texas' days of being the reliable outpost of backwards-thinking cowboys, confederates, and Jesus freak secessionists we've come to know and laugh at, are officially on life support.

Guess Grandma isn't the only one who needs to be worried about plug-pulling death squads.

Southern States Love America So Much They Want To Dissolve It

North Vs. South, Redux

Red states are movin' out! America's cuckoo southern friends have finally tired of the snooty, upper crust ways of us northern heretics and have decided to press their luck alone, without us slave-hating states to keep them down.

First, it was Texas who threatened to secede from this godless Union on account of the suffocating tyranny of taxing rich people at slightly higher rates. That coupled with Barack Obama and his negro army's deviant plot to march into the Lone Star state to steal their guns and slay all the white people was enough to send the good people of Texas packing.

Much like the swine flu or gay-marriage virus, a brilliant idea like seceding from the union and starting your own crackpot Republic cannot be contained long. Which is why the proud states of Georgia, South Dakota, and Oklahoma wasted no time passing their own secession resolutions, declaring their state's sovereignty and freedom from enslavement by the Northern aggressors.

So congratulations to Georgia, Oklahoma, South Dakota, and of course, sassy ringleader Texas, for hearkening back to the glory days of the civil war by once again fighting the "conspiracy to create a single North American country" in favor of an "independent South unburdened by it's alien occupier."

I guess 143 years of captivity is long enough. And yet somehow it still doesn't get any easier!

Bush To Texas: Et Tu, Longhorns?

Even Cowboys Get The Blues

Aww, Texas, not you too! George W. Bush may not give a damn what the rest of America thinks, but the fact that Texas' onetime favorite son is now about as popular as a swine flu-infected Mexican just about breaks ol' Dubya's little Lone Star heart.

Sure, the Texas GOP provided W with the necessary experience as governor, much of the money, and more than 10 percent of the electoral votes needed to put George W. Bush in the White House and keep him there for two hell-raising, hook 'em terms. But that doesn't mean they're responsible for him now that he's become as popular as the one Jewish family in Corpus Christi.

You see, loyalty only goes so far around here. Thanks to the "toxic" environment Dubya's created for the state's GOP, Republicans don't want to touch the guy with a ten-foot stick.

"There’s no reason for anyone at this point to embrace the former president...People have their own battles to fight. Why would they want to go back and try to defend torture or anything else? Why would we go back and try to defend the guy who doubled the debt in the last eight years?”

Fair enough. Better to just secede and be done with it. But, just remember if you go, you're taking Georgey boy with you!

Texas Threatens To Secede; America Offers To Help Pack Bags

Okay, so Texas is all giddy-upped over the idea of succeeding from this godless wasteland, and the rest of America couldn't be more thrilled!

Sure, we'll miss the alarmingly high rates of illiteracy, poverty, violent crime, and fashion victims, not to mention, being the undisputed world leader in executions, but somehow we will find the will to carry on.

If there is one thing us Commies in Obamerica understand it's that sometimes the whole isn't greater than its parts. Such a strong, independent entity like Texas can't be expected to conform to silly things like the Constitution, Democracy, or the rule of law. That's for the other 49 pussy states to deal with.

In the meantime, Texas, godspeed! We wish you the best of luck. And don't worry about us, we'll just have to get our fix for Tex-Mex and douchebag politicians elsewhere.

New Mexico, Oklahoma, we're looking at you.

Gasp! The Lone Star State Threatens To Go It Alone...

Texas Gov. Rick Perry is so fired up from Wednesday's tea party protests that he just might take his Lone Star state and secede from the god damn U.S. of A now that it's been overrun by a bunch of big-spendin' Commies!

"Texas is a unique place. When we came into the union in 1845, one of the issues was that we would be able to leave if we decided to do that...We've got a great union. There's absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, who knows what may come of that."

That's right America! Keep it up and you just might find yourselves without George W. Bush, tea party protesters who dress up as Jesus, patriotic taxpayers fed up with being "the Jews for Obama's ovens," and other assorted delights from the Republic of Texas, no longer suffering from the brutal, illegal occupation by the tyrannical United States.

All Class These People