Chris Christie Vows To Reject New Jersey Gay Marriage Law Faster Than A Jenny Craig Diet

Rejoice gays and gayettes! New Jersey's Senate passed a gay marriage bill today! Now it will shimmy-shake its fabulous self on down to the State Assembly, which will pass it, because why the hell not? From there it will shake its groove thing over to the desk of New Jersey Governor of Sandwiches Fat Fattie Chris Christie, who will promptly veto it and then curse out some old ladies and Kindergarteners for his tasty after-breakfast snack.

Naturally, Democrats in the Garden State won't have the numbers to overturn Christie's veto, so the sanctity of marriage in the filthy, grease-filled shores of New Jersey will fortunately remain limited to Snooki and the bronzed Italian meathead kind enough to take her hand in both holy matrimony and while relieving herself in the back alley of some seedy bar outside Atlantic City.

Because in order to actually become legal in New Jersey, gay marriage legislation would have to accomplish what light itself cannot, which is, of course, to get around Chris Christie.

But Democrats aren't about to allow 500 lbs of redfaced blubbery obstruction stop them from celebrating their awesome, nothing-more-than-symbolic victory for equality and decency, amiright?

Fuggedaboutit!

From the Star-Ledger:

Gay marriage opponents say such a stalemate will put New Jersey’s 10-year debate on ice for a long time. Supporters, however, will treat a vote by both houses as an important milestone in a fight they will continue to wage.
“I don’t think there’s one civil rights leader in the South who thought ending segregation would be a slam dunk on the first time out,” said Assemblyman Reed Gusciora (D-Mercer), New Jersey’s first openly gay lawmaker.
Steven Goldstein, chairman of the gay rights advocacy group Garden State Equality, said the group will celebrate if it passes.
“This week’s marriage equality votes are like the World Series, the Super Bowl and a Barbra Streisand concert all wrapped up in one,” he said.

Or to phrase it in a way Chris Christie can digest, let's call it the Turducken of civil rights.

[image via Gawker]

Rick Santorum Is Frothing Mad That Equal Rights For All Applies To Weird, Scary (Tempting?) Homosexuals

Stripped away, really Rick? Stripped? No sexual connotation there.

Wait, what? Apparently, Rick "Google me at your own risk" Santorum confuses restoring rights with destroying rights. Or at least when it comes to gross gays and lezzies who Rick knows shouldn't be allowed to get gross gay-married or do anything except get ridiculed, marginalized, and discriminated against by bigoted closet cases straight-as-a-heterosexual who thinks nonstop about men putting their penises into other men's assholes.

Guess when it comes to asssholes, it takes one to know one, right, Rick? But what does the rest of one man+one woman America think about the worst miscarriage of justice since millions of white kids had their rights to separate, negro-free schools stripped away by activist judges in Brown v. Board of Education?

Finally one thing we can all agree on: Rick Santorum is the worst human ever!

But the dude sure is funny.

"As President I will work to protect marriage."

Hahahahah. "As President." Good one, Rick. Good one.

That's almost as good of a joke as your (hetero)sexuality!

Separation Of Crotch & State: Mississippi Mayor Greg Davis Learns The Hard Way Why City Credit Cards & Gay Sex Shops Don't Mix

Finally, a Christmas story we can all get behind!

It's been awhile since one of America's fabulous, self-loathing, Republican closet cases accidentally outed himself by getting caught in some secret gay sexytime scandal (we're talking months here!), until a dandy Southern gent/failed Congressional candidate/wingnut mayor of Southaven, Mississippi by the name of Greg Davis forgot about a little thing called cash (and public records!) and decided to go on his wild, taxpayer-funded $170,000 shopping spree in booze, fancy meals, and gay sex shops in Canada using his very traceable, very public, city-issued credit card.

Ooopsies!

The sexytime freebies lasted until a bunch of lame, fun-hating auditors noticed there were, uh, five hundred pages of receipts for the mayor’s extracurricular activities and decided to have a look-see at his credit card expenditures. Uh Oh! Umm, yeah let's try this again, meet Greg Davis, the formerly-closeted gay, formerly-employed former mayor who has never heard of cash or considered that purchasing frivolous fish dinners and frisky sex toys on the public dime is still a crime, albeit a slightly embarrassing one.

From the Commercial Appeal newspaper:

“At this point in my life and in my career, while I have tried to maintain separation between my personal and public life, it is obvious that this can no longer remain the case,” Davis said at his Southaven home. “While I have performed my job as mayor, in my opinion, as a very conservative, progressive individual [Ed note: Huh?] — and still continue to be a very conservative individual — I think that it is important that I discuss the struggles I have had over the last few years when I came to the realization that I am gay.”

Which pales in comparison to the struggles he's had over the realization that he's also a generous tipper, which breaks the GOP (Gay One Percenters') cardinal rule of treating other people in the exact opposite way as you'd want to be treated yourself.

"[D]uring a dinner for legislators and attorneys at the Mint Restaurant in Ridgeland, Miss., Davis left a $1,000 tip on a $2,509.43 bill that included two bottles of Opus One wine for $415 each."

OMG, so not only is Greg Davis a total homo, but he's also doling out huge tips to the servers of his fancy meals, like some one-man bleeding-heart liberal secret welfare program for America's beleaguered food service industry workers?

Ugh, what's next, charity work for the poor or something gross like that?

The auditor's office confirmed that Davis billed the city for the $67 purchase at Priape, which describes itself on its website as "Canada's premiere gay lifestyle store and sex shop."

As for the receipts, Davis, a Republican who ran unsuccessfully for Congress in 2008 on a conservative, family-values platform, said he couldn’t discuss specifics on the advice of his attorney.

And also because of the replica Ron Jeremy Dong in his mouth.

But don't worry, Mr. Mayor. It gets better!

After all, prison couldn't really be worse than Mississippi could it?

[image via AP]

Obama Administration Announces Global Quest To Save Gay People; Rick Perry Denounces It In Personal Quest To Save Himself From Seeming Like A Good Person

Normal, sane folk who don't convulse uncontrollably at the idea of actually making dare I say, progress in the treatment of fellow human beings, felt an overwhelming sense of pride as Barack Obama announced that the United States "would use all the tools of American diplomacy, including the potent enticement of foreign aid, to promote gay rights around the world."

In a memorandum issued by the President Obama and in a speech by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, the Obama administration vowed to "actively combat efforts by other nations that criminalize homosexual conduct, abuse gay men, lesbians, bisexuals or transgendered people, or ignore abuse against them."

Whoa, whoa, whoa! OMG, since when do gross gay people count as actual human beings? Does Jesus know about this?

The New York Times apparently does.

"I am deeply concerned by the violence and discrimination targeting LGBT persons around the world whether it is passing laws that criminalize LGBT status, beating citizens simply for joining peaceful LGBT pride celebrations, or killing men, women, and children for their perceived sexual orientation," Mr. Obama said in a presidential memorandum.

Ugh, fine, but throwing rocks at them is still cool, right?

"In many ways, they are an invisible minority," Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said at the United Nations Human Rights Council in Geneva. "They are arrested, beaten, terrorized - even executed. Many are treated with contempt and violence by their fellow citizens while authorities empowered to protect them look the other way - or join in the abuse. Too often, they are denied opportunities to work and learn, driven from their homes and countries, and forced to suppress or deny who they are to protect themselves from harm."

Oh, so they're like Occupy protesters here?

After saying the United States' own record on the issue is "far from perfect" and that there is still work to be done domestically, Clinton urged the international community to act despite the fact that opposition based on "deeply held personal, political, cultural, and religious beliefs" remains. "Being gay is not a Western invention. It is a human reality."

Which I guess can be said about the Kardashians as well.

“In reality, gay people are born into — and belong to — every society in the world,” she said. In countries “where people are jailed, beaten or executed for being gay,” she called on leaders to leap ahead of their constituents cultural or social mores, if necessary. 

Wait, so does that mean the whole stoning/beheading in a public square is a no go? Cause if so, Uganda's gonna be pissed!

“I’m not saying that gay people can’t or don’t commit crimes,” she said. “They can and do, just like straight people. And when they do, they should be held accountable. But it should never be a crime to be gay.”

Unless say, they do the unthinkable like wear white after Labor Day or heavens forbid, fuchsia gingham shirts tucked neatly into tight white pants and secured by a turquoise '80s belt to a White House Garden Party.

Other than that, the U.S. going on record as being uncool with gay-hating foreign governments, and not wanting people to be murdered, tortured or imprisoned for their sexuality is a pretty uncontroversial thing, unless...UNLESS you are a fading, desperate drunkard like Rick Perry, who will prove once and for all he is the #1 presidential candidate of straight Jesus and all HIS one man + one woman (+ semi automatic machine gun) glory.

Well there's no way Slick Rick Perry's just going to sit back and let them gays get any of those "special rights" to exist, which is why he issued this fiery statement:

“Just when you thought Barack Obama couldn’t get any more out of touch with America’s values, his administration wants to make foreign aid decisions based on gay rights.
“This administration’s war on traditional American values must stop.
“I have proposed a foreign aid budget that starts at zero. From that zero baseline, we will consider aid requests based solely on America’s national security interests. Promoting special rights for gays in foreign countries is not in America’s interests and not worth a dime of taxpayers’ money.
“But there is a troubling trend here beyond the national security nonsense inherent in this silly idea. This is just the most recent example of an administration at war with people of faith in this country. Investing tax dollars promoting a lifestyle many Americas of faith find so deeply objectionable is wrong.
“President Obama has again mistaken America’s tolerance for different lifestyles with an endorsement of those lifestyles. I will not make that mistake.”

Aww, hell no! Instead Rick Perry will make the mistake of thinking that the only people in the world are obese racist old white people who live in the American south, and equate the rights of gay people to paying income tax.

But, don't worry Rick! Everyone knows no more Republicans will accidentally turn gay as a result of this new policy. That's what Teletubbies, the Military, and Craigslist is for!

[image via AP/Wonkette]

Makin' Mama Proud: Bristol Palin Rides A Mechanical Bull, Gets Into Bar Fight With Angry Homosexual

Like most new 20-year-old single mothers, Bristol Palin spent her Thursday night riding a mechanical bull and screaming at some gay guy in a West Hollywood bar because that's what underage, abstinence-crusading hillbillies do when shamelessly grifting, err, filming themselves being idiots for some dumb reality teevee show nobody's going to watch anyway.

So there's Bristol, minding her own business, innocently flailing around on the one Saddle Ranch bar patron that wouldn't accidentally impregnate her, when suddenly, out of a nowhere, a homosexual appears. And not just any homosexual, but an angry, screaming, active homosexual who doesn't much care for Bristol's mother, Alaskan empress Sarah Palin, or her annoying, unemployed offspring either.

So Bristol did what most anyone would do when confronted by a drunk stranger, and marches over to the screamer, demanding to know if "he is a homosexual," because that is how you insult someone Alaska-style.

Good thing the cameras were still rolling!

From CBS LA:

“Did you ride Levi like that? Your mother is a whore! Your mother is a f***ing devil!” he shouts.
Palin approaches the man and asks, “Is it because you’re a homosexual and that’s why you hate her?”
“Pretty much … and why’d you say I’m a homosexual?” he responds.
“Because I can tell you are,” Bristol says.
“You’re f***ing white trash from Wasila!” he screams as she leaves with her production crew. “F*** you, you f***ing b***h!”
At one point, the man also tells Palin that he doesn’t believe in hell, but that if it exists, he believes her mother will go there.

Ummm, what do you think Alaska is? The freakin' Garden of Eden?

Anyway, I totally know what you're thinking, "Doesn't the bull usually ride the cow?"

Funny thing is, they had to give the mechanical bull a few stiff ones before it would let Bristol mount it.

Kinda like Levi.

Don't Ask Don't Tell Repeal Finally Goes Into Effect As Society Welcomes Republicans Into The 21st Century Of Basic Human Dignity

Congratulations, America! The moment we've all been waiting for—and Republicans have been warning us about—is finally here, and it's most definitely queer.

At the stroke of midnight on Tuesday, the terrible, nearly two decades old discriminatory policy banning gays and lezzies from being all they can be as loud 'n proud members of the U.S. military is officially as dead as poor people would be if the GOP had anything to say about it.

It's true! So now that Don't Ask Don't Tell is just another one of America's most cherished, nostalgic Clinton-era memories (right up there with Monica Lewinsky's semen-stained blue dress, and all the wild 'n crazy things you can do with a cigar), what does this mean for the rest of us?

Where's the hellfire, the brimstone, the unraveling of America's moral fabric, the total collapse of civilized society, and the vengeful fury of God's wrath that every Republican knows comes from no longer regulating whether our nation's servicemen and women are servicing each other with the proper penis-vagina ratios?

Even the usually reliable ol' gay panic standby Fox News is uncharacteristically silent on the issue, with nary a peep about how letting gross gay and lesbians openly serve will quickly and irreversibly transform America's once-lean, mean, hetero fighting Marine Corps machine into one big camouflaged Chorus Line, except with less ensemble dance numbers and more anal gang rapes in the shower.

So while Michele and Marcus Bachmann, Lindsay Graham, and the rest of the Grand Old Closet Cases anxiously wait for Armaggedon to come in the form of fatigue-wearing Eltons and Ellens, the rest of America can feel Ga-Ga Great knowing their country's military policy towards gay people is officially no longer on par with North Korea, Uganda, Syria, and Iran, but instead as wonderfully enlightened as Albania, Estonia, and Malta's.

From the AP:

Gay advocacy groups planned a series of celebrations across the country.
At a San Diego bar, current and former troops danced and counted down to midnight. “You are all heroes,” Sean Sala, a former Navy operations specialist, said. “The days of your faces being blacked out on the news — no more.”
The head of Pentagon personnel, Clifford Stanley, put out a memo to the work force at 12:01 a.m. EDT. “All service members are to treat one another with dignity and respect regardless of sexual orientation.”

OMG, what a crazy, novel idea!!

THE GAYS WIN! Hooray! Doesn't the liberal destruction and moral decay of our nation just feel faaaaaabulous!?

Michele Bachman Has A Secret Fashion Weapon Stashed In Her Closet & His Name Is Marcus Bachmann

Michele Bachmann may have a set of sparkling baby blues to kill for (try it, she dares you!) and a smokin' hot body to boot, but how does Rep. "Crazy Eye Candy" from Minnesota keep herself looking so fabulously fashionable??

Why, the secret styling weapon she keeps stashed inside her walk-in closet, of course!

From a 2006 Tribune article:

Shopping help comes from another quarter, as well. Before Vice President Dick Cheney's visit this past summer, Bachmann's husband, Marcus, hit the stores — "he's got a good sense of style" [she said] — and came home with "a sleek, simple hourglass dress with a yoke collar in winter white." He even bought a matching coat and shoes.

Ooooh, I bet he got Michele a cute li'l number too!

"Since I was a little girl, I either wore my mother's high heels or aspired to wear high heels," Michele explained.

OMG, what a coinkidink, same with Marcus! What are the chances!?

"I grew up in a very male-dominated home with three brothers and a dad who was a real outdoorsman," she said. It was only while attending law school that she became more clothes-conscious. Then came the '90s, "when I was pregnant with one child or another," she said. "I wasn't particularly stylish then."

C'mon Michy! Popping out precious li'l miracles of God every which way is the absolute perfect time for over-sized flannel shirts, faded high-waisted jeans, and MC Hammer pants.

"I dress fairly simply," she said. "I like clean lines. I like solid colors. But I like an outfit to have a little kick." For inspiration, she looks to Audrey Hepburn and Jackie Onassis -- and indeed, the pale pink suit and gloves she wore for President Bush's fundraising visit in August seemed a flashback to Camelot.

That choice was inspired by a girlfriend who owned "a darling pink suit" that she had bought at Herberger's. Bachmann thought it was the special outfit that the event required, "so my girlfriend went to get an identical one at the store's sidewalk sale," she said. "For $39!"

God that Marcus really is a lifesaver!

But it wasn't until her election to the Minnesota State Senate that the 5-foot-1 Bachmann felt compelled to "take a little more care with how I looked."

"I have a very lean wardrobe," she said. "I get hand-me-downs from my mother, who also does a lot of garage-saling. On occasion, I'll go to Nordstrom's Petites and get something for full price, but only if I think I'll get four or five years' wear out of it."

By then Marcus is more than happy to take if off her hands. He's such a good girlfriend, wife, husband!

Oy Vey! Like Everything Else, Michele Bachmann Works Up The Nerve To Say "Chutzpah" In The Most Idiotic Way Possible

Michele Meshugana Bachmann went on her favoritest Fox News for the third time in one week not to talk about her homosexual husband's tendency to listen to struggling men talk about their terrible same-sex attractions all day long (for Jesus!) and also to once again remind the world why anyone too dumb and crazy to complete a coherent thought should probably never be in charge of anything, let alone the actual United States of America.

But instead of just giving her predictably asinine thoughts about how defaulting on our debt will do nothing to hurt U.S. credit ratings because "we have the money to pay it" (psst: even if we don't really pay it) and Jesus said we're too big to fail, Michele decided to go ahead and offend Yiddish-speaking bubbies across this great nation.

Oy Vey!

"It more fashionable for the president to scare people and say the sky is about to fall, we're gonna lose our credit rating. No we won't, we have plenty of money to pay it, just pay it, take that issue off the table..."

Yes, ma'am!

"Here's the big issue. The president doesn’t want to have to be confronted with priorities in spending, because he has a lot of chutzpah."

Except she pronounces "chutzpah" "shoot-spa" because apparently Michele has only ever heard of Jews, she has never actually heard Jews (they probably aren't allowed in MN-06!).

Besides, "Shoot-spa" is what Michele calls the rifle range. Ya know, the place that normal, decent, non-Jewish Americans go to relieve stress from cartoonishly closeted hubbies flitting about every which way, or making humiliating mispronunciation gaffes of Jewish-y words on national teevee. National Jew-run teevee!

Oh well. It's like they always say, better goy than gay!

Wonder how she pronounces, "My husband is a "faygala?"

Crazy, Closeted, RV-Driving Wingnut Can't Help Being A Racist, Homophobic Lunatic, He Was Born That Way!

Ah yes, here it is, the old rusted-out camper, America's most trusted journalist to warn us all about the evil (gay?) that lurks in the hearts of men. More specifically, Teabagging men who loudly & proudly align themselves with a group named after the hilarious, super-straight act of dipping one man's testicles in the mouth and/or face of another similarly hetero man. For freedom. Hooray!

And in case you were wondering exactly what a Teabagger stream-of-consciousness craziness looks like, look no further than their favorite mobile medium of personal expression, the creepy pedovan, aka a rusty, broken down 1970-something RV.

There, you will find all the scintillating brilliance and sophisticated wisdom of a man, so steeped in divinity and the true path of the righteous, he uses two L's when concocting (haha, cock!) his REVELATION admonishing the world, "ITS SINFULL TO VOTE FOR FAG POLITICIANS."

But that's not it! Heavens to Betsy no! Not when QUEER (BI-SEXUAL) COMMUNIST OBAMA BOWS DOWN TO SATAN WORLDWIDE BECAUSE HE WORSHIPS THEIR REAR END!

Forget T.S. Eliot (queer!), this is the new, improved, wingnut recreational vehicle-driving poet TEA S. Eliot!

And what is more proof of your straight-as-an-arrow sexuality than flat-out refusing to even bother with those three flaming drama queens: spelling, grammar, and punctuation!?

Less obvious is, of course, why he even bothers calling the his scripture-mobile "REVELATION" when every wingnut worth his weight in McRibs already knows about all these things!?

Jesus told them when he was teaching them how to ride dinosaurs in the Olive Garden of Eden!

This guy is so full of wonderful facts and useful li'l pearls of wisdom that it's almost impossible picking his finest verse.

"QUEER (BI-SEXUAL) COMMUNIST, OBAMA HATES AMERICAN SOLDIERS GUTS, SO HE MAKES THEM QUEERS SO THEY WILL BE NOTORIOUS, AND HATED, INSTEAD FAMOUS AND LIKED. PLAYING EVERYONE FOR A SUCKER WHICH IS ALL HE DOES."

**Sigh.** Einstein lives among us!

Truer words have never been spoken, err, except maybe this next passage:

"QUEER (SATAN) OBAMA, QUEERS EVERYTHING IN AMERICA, HE EVEN QUEERS THE ARMY. QUEER OBAMA WANTS SOLDIERS TO WEAR PINK UNIFORMS, NYLON STOCKINGS, AND HIGH HEELS, IT TURNS HIM ON."

Clearly, TEA S. Eliot is very familiar with this sort of thing, which isn't too surprising since everyone knows practice makes perfect!

Unless, someone with a lot of experience on the subject told him instead.

Couldn't be Sarah Palin, since she already quit her bus tour to go relax and club salmon to death on the bottom of a carcass-filled rowboat.

Which could only mean one more shining example that Marcus Bachmann's pray-the-gay-away conversion therapy works wonders!

From fruit to nut in the time it takes to decorate an old, broken down homo van with misspelled banners for crazy people.

Michele Bachmann Signs "Marriage Pledge" To Stay Away From Porn, Gays & Revert To The Good Ol' Days Of Slavery

Aspiring Insane-Person-in-Chief and tragic illiteracy victim Michele Bachmann will not sign dumb, 1000+ page bills helping stupid poor people (or pesky sick kids) get health care, mostly because she's too busy channeling her lovely kindred spirit serial killing clown John Wayne Gacy and also because anything over three pages double spaced 16-point font makes her very uncomfortable. Like gay people uncomfortable!

What she will do, however, is sign one of those ridiculous pledge things, like say one called "The Marriage Vow," where she promises to never make sinful sexytime with her husband (haha like he has "straight people" sex anyway!), defend the sacred union of one miserable man to one miserable woman like Jesus intended, hate Islam, and pop out as many precious li'l miracles of God as a porn-less, loveless marriage with a closet case will allow.

Unfortunately, like most things Michele Bachmann is involved with, but has no idea what the hell she is doing or saying, this particular Marriage Vow pledge was also slightly problematic, probably because the very first point of the pledge makes some terribly racist statement about how it was better to be born a black child of slaves than a black child under Barack Obama.

“Slavery had a disastrous impact on African-American families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President,” is the first bullet point on the vow's preamble.

Nothin' wrong there, amiright?

Oh, what, like that's a big deal!

See the thing is all the distasteful, awful stuff about the advantages of slavery for black youth was only in the preamble, which apparently doesn't count as part of the actual document, because like, c'mon, who actually reads those silly things anyway?

Certainly not Michele Bachmann!

In her nutty world, "We the people...have no use for preambles."

From Politico:

A Bachmann spokeswoman said earlier Saturday that reports the congresswoman had signed a vow that contained the slavery language was wrong, noting it was not in the “vow” portion.
“She signed the ‘candidate vow,’ ” campaign spokeswoman Alice Stewart said, and distanced Bachmann from the preamble language, saying, “In no uncertain terms, Congresswoman Bachmann believes that slavery was horrible and economic enslavement is also horrible.”

But not quite as horrible as aligning yourself with a faux "family values" wingnut hate group that spells its name “FAMiLY LEADER.” Or for that matter, as horrible as being someone who is so against gay marriage, she ended up in one!

Either way, Michele Bachmann is officially the first presidential candidate (if we can even call her that) to sign this dumb thing, created by The Family Leader and it’s Chief Executive Officer of Ridiculous-Sounding Names, Bob Vander Plaats.

Presidential candidates who sign the pledge must agree to personal fidelity to his or her spouse, the appointment of “faithful constitutionalists” as judges, opposition to any redefinition of marriage, and prompt reform of uneconomic and anti-marriage aspects of welfare policy, tax policy and divorce law.
The Marriage Vow also outlines support for the legal advocacy for the federal Defense of Marriage Act, humane efforts to protect women and children, rejection of Sharia Islam, safeguards for all married and unmarried U.S. military service members, and commitment to downsizing government and the burden upon American families.
In addition, candidates are asked to recognize that “robust childrearing and reproduction is beneficial to U.S. demographic, economic, strategic and actuarial health and security.”

Okay ladies, toss off those burqas, throw away your Korans, and start popping out all the babies you can fit inside you, for America.

And then elect Michele Bachmann for president of the UNiTED STATES of America Jesus so she can take this country back from whoever ran away with it.

A literate, charming black man whose fine chocolate ass a certain M. Bachmann cannot stop obsessing over every waking hour of every day.

No, no not Michele, silly! Heavens forbid! We're talking about her husband, Marcus of course!

Tea Party Leader Takes Pro-Bullying Stance Towards Gay Teens Because He Loves Freedom...The Freedom To Hate Anyone Not Straight, White, & Deeply In Denial

In these contentious times, there are only so many uncontroversial statements a person can make that pretty much everyone can agree with, like say, "cancer is a terrible disease" or "kicking defenseless puppies in the face is wrong" or "the abuse of children is a terrible thing."

Umm, wait, except that last one, if you're evil, bigoted homophobe (aka secret closet case) Tea Party Nation leader Rich Swier who names his terrible, hate-filled group after a hot, soothing, wildly popular beverage traditionally enjoyed in small, dainty cups by dapper gentleman in foreign places like Socialist Europe (gasp!).

Because, if so, then the relentless, cruel bullying and teasing teenagers inflict and endure, also known as "peer pressure" is a wonderful thing, the kind of thing that helps keeps kids in line, specifically from acting all gross and gay-like.

Sure, "peer pressure" might be responsible for your teenage boy or girl abusing drugs and alcohol, smoking cigarettes, getting drunk and/or pregnant in the backseat of Papa's pickup, graffiting the highway, egging the neighbor's house, planking off the edge of a creaky, unstable bridge 100 ft up, or making the same wardrobe choices as the homeless man hanging out at the local liquor store. 

But, on the bright side, "peer pressure" is also responsible for your sissy kid getting his ass kicked by the entire football team every day at school, which at the very least, should make him think twice about feeling so comfortable in his own awful gay skin.

Just look at what Tea Party Nation and STRAIGHT-AS-AN-ARROW AS-A-MAN-OBSESSED-WITH-GAY-SEX Rich Swier sent to Tea Party Nation members, via RightWingWatch:

This is not bullying. It is peer pressure and is healthy. There are many bad behaviors such as smoking, under age drinking and drug abuse that are behaviors that cannot be condoned. Homosexuality falls into this category. Homosexuality is simply bad behavior that youth see as such and rightly pressure their peers to stop it. In Sarasota County over 70% of all HIV/AIDS cases are due to male sex with males.
I agree with Gulf Coast Gives that “LGBT youth are up to five times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight counterparts.” Homosexuality, like drugs, harms young people if they experement [sic] with it. That is the greatest tragedy.

Almost as tragic as when (3, 2, 1, now?) this same vile, hate-spewing, teenage sexuality-obsessed grown man gets peer pressured caught hiring his own secret luggage handling rent-boy or with his pants around his ankles in a signature wide stance soliciting (gay) sex from undercover policemen in airport men's rooms.

Oh wait, he's a Teabagger, right? Did I say tragic? I meant typical.

Besides, speaking of tragedies, your child coming out as gay isn't so bad. Sure as hell beats coming out as a Teabagger.

Talk about tragic!

Sounds Fishy: Michele "Crazy Eyes" Bachmann Nearly Eaten By Lesbians In 2005

Now that Michele Bachmann has officially tossed her hat into the presidential ring as the latest, greatest Republican to humiliate themselves on national teevee, make Mitt Romney look electable, get crushed by Obama in the general elections, America can rest easy knowing that the good Lord Jesus Christ will guide His chosen candidate, everyone's favorite Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachmann, to certain victory.

He's done it before! C'mon, how the hell else do you think some certifiably crazy lady from the middle of frozen nowhere could actually get elected to anything, except maybe the local psych ward, let alone the freakin' U.S. Congress, without a little help from above?

Of course, it doesn't hurt that among Michele Bachmann's many special talents is the uncanny ability to transform innocent Q&A sessions with constituents into her own personal traumatizing 9/11 terrorist attack.

Like back in 2005, when Bachmann was running for state senate and met with voters to discuss various issues, including her staunch opposition to gross gays doing gross things like getting gross gay married. After the talk, a lesbian couple who happened to be attendance "wanted to discuss certain issues further" (as many constituents do), which in Michele Bachmann's deranged mind sounded more like "attack of the killer lesbian zombie robot from outer space." So Michy did what every politician does when a voter asks a simple question, and ran for her life, shrieking at the top of her lungs.

The Daily Beast reports:

A few dozen people showed up at the town hall for the April 9 event, and Bachmann greeted them warmly. But when, during the question and answer session, the topic turned to gay marriage, Bachmann ended the meeting 20 minutes early and rushed to the bathroom. Hoping to speak to her, [Pamela] Arnold and another middle-aged woman, a former nun, followed her.

As Bachmann washed her hands and Arnold looked on, the ex-nun tried to talk to her about theology. Suddenly, after less than a minute, Bachmann let out a shriek. “Help!” she screamed. “Help! I’m being held against my will!”

Pamela Arnold, who is just over 5 feet tall, was stunned, and hurried to open the door. Bachmann bolted out and fled, crying, to an SUV outside. Then she called the police, saying, according to the police report, that she was “absolutely terrified and has never been that terrorized before as she had no idea what those two women were going to do to her.”

The Washington County attorney, however, declined to press charges, writing in a memo, “It seems clear from the statements given by both women that they simply wanted to discuss certain issues further with Ms. Bachmann.”

Well that's exactly it! It's not the terrible gays she has a problem with, its unscripted questions she's violently afraid of.

"What an amazing imagination," marveled Pamela Arnold. "Her ideology is so powerful that she can construct a reality just on a moment's notice."

Only when she forgets to take her medicine, my friend, only when she forgets to take her medicine.

Some people call it crazy, but these days, you can just call it Republican!

All That Glitters Isn't Gold; In Newt's Case, He's Still Dull, White, & Old

Newt Gingrich sure has had a tough week!

First, poor ol' Newt was forced to apologize to Wisconsin Republican Rep. Paul Ryan for calling Ryan's insane, screw-the-old-people budget "radical" (which it is), and explain to one enraged Teabagger after another how terribly sorry he is for his meany words, almost as terribly sorry that it all but ended his presidential ambitions, however petty & ridiculous it may have been.

And if that weren't bad enough, some gay (gasp!) activist and serial prankster Robert Erickson dumped a box of twinkling party glitter on Newt's signature square head and white coif, shouting "Feel the rainbow! Stop the hate!" at a Minneapolis book signing to protest his hypocritical, less-than-enlightened stance on gays and to prove glitter is a more cost-effective way to be shiny than running up huge bills at elitist jewelry stores like Tiffany's.

But for some reason Newt and that weird, alien lady next to him, better known as Callista, or wonderful wifey #3, did not appreciate being glitter-bombed by some flaming fruit cake with a messenger bag or a message.

The glitter bandit was quickly pushed out of the room by an event organizer or employee of the vehemently anti-gay Minnesota Family Council and given what seemed to be a very firm, and very creepy, talking-to by the gentleman in a suit, as the rattled, newly sparkling, but otherwise unharmed Gingriches brushed confetti out of their laps and respective white "hairstyles."

Wait, all they did was remove the dude from the room and sternly shove him towards the elevator? Wow, talk about progress! This time last year, he'd be getting his head stomped on a sidewalk.

Guess things really do get better!

But either way, Newt's creepy, right-wing handler wants to know, "Have we ever disturbed one of your events?"

Ummm, well, let's see, you're trying to pass a state constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriages, stop gays from visiting their dying partners in hospitals, bar them from adopting children, or enjoying the same rights and privileges as straight couples, but other than that, you're right, you've never thrown assaulted gays with glitter!

Though, I'm sure Gabrielle Giffords would have much preferred being pumped with tiny scintillating pieces of confetti paper instead of those other things that typically load into 19mm Glocks.

Glitter: the best way to piss someone off without causing injury, death, or brain damage, just a sparkling shine and slightly irritated skin!

Besides, the clean up shouldn't be too bad. Something tells me Callista already volunteered to roll up a Tiffany's receipt and start snorting the glitter. That way, she can feel all sparkly on the inside, too!

What's The Only Thing Scarier Than War & Famine In Uganda? Gay People, Of Course!

Uganda's enlightened 15th century 21st century bill condemning terrible, no-good gays & lezzies, and all "active homosexuals living with HIV" to death (and probably not by chocolate!) or at the very least, life imprisonment for anyone known to participate in "homosexual acts," has been temporarily shelved, and only partially because it is batsh*t crazy.

The real problem with Uganda's death-to-queers bill is that the rest of civilized society doesn't seem quite as gung-ho as Uganda about hacking homos to death, and are putting their money where Uganda's machetes are, with international aid organizations, the U.S. State Department, President Barack Obama, and powerful, outspoken gays like Rep. Barney Frank threatening to withhold aid to the deeply impoverished nation.

Apparently, gay people are loathsome enough that they deserve to be roundly ridiculed, discriminated, and harassed, but not so despicable that they should actually be killed.

Which means gay people are off the hook, and free to continue destroying the moral fabric of poor, civil war-torn, Sub-Saharan African society with their cleanliness, fashion sense, and #1 favorite pastime  recruiting unsuspecting children (to the dark side) with go-go boots and Barbara Streisand sing-alongs, for now.

So you're saying there's still a chance (Jesus willing?) that the evil, hate bill will be reintroduced in the next legislative session? Keep your fingers crossed, people, so long as it is in a manly, perfectly hetero way, of course!

According to the Guardian:

With the current parliament about to be dissolved, the bill appears to have been put on hold indefinitely – but campaigners warned it could be reintroduced in the next session.
John Alimadi, an MP, told the Associated Press the bill may have been dropped from the agenda because of the worldwide outcry against it.
Campaigners welcomed the development. Christopher Seneno, a Ugandan bishop, said: "It's good news. We wouldn't like this bill even to be debated. That will be dangerous because there is a lot of misinformation and excitement. Just with the bill being debated, anything can happen to LGBT people."
Seneno admitted he did not know whether the bill was dead in the water or could be revived at a later date.

Uganda be kidding me. Idi-ocy, I say! Amin, really!

Aaron Schock Bares His Chest To Show The World He Doesn't Need Hot Pink Shirts & Tight White Pants To Look Gay

You remember Aaron Schock don't you? The fuchsia gingham shirt-wearing, straight-as-your-hairdresser Republican congressman from Illinois who simply adores voting against the rights of poors, gays, and all other dumb, pathetic schlubs who don't spend endless hours breathing heavily next to other, sweaty, scantily-clad men all while working to perfect their very own ripped set of washboard abs to show off in magazine photo spreads.

Like, say, Men's Health, where America's youngest, fittest, most fabulously closeted congressman lost his shirt, gained some muscle mass, and struck a pose to help Americans not be such lazy, fat, good-for-nothing slobs who are too busy stuffing Big Macs into their mouths to stuff their big fat behinds into a bathing suit (and thank goodness for that!).

Because Aaron Schock cares deeply about America's collective ability to kill it in tight white man pants and fluorescent turquoise belt. And he won't rest his chiseled physique until every last man, women, and child does the Dougie with Michelle Obama looks as smokin' hot n 'buff in their birthday suit, string bikini and/or glistening, skin-tight speedo as Rep. Aaron Schock!

But how do the hot, hard-bodied House studs like Rep. Schock get so fit 'n fierce for their long, hard days cutting funds for poor people and children and redefining rape to place appropriate blame on the victim because the dumb bitch probably deserved it, amiright?

We'd always just assumed cocaine and repressed sexual desire! Which may still be true, but apparently, it is also this set of XTREME infomercial workout DVDs that is all the rage with congressional Republicans.

Sure, a bunch of sweaty, middle aged men in spandex panting around the teevee may sound kooky, and perhaps even slightly homoerotic, but if you end up looking like Aaron Schock, it might be worth a few hours of "bringing it" with Tony Horton's P90X.

But it's not like Schock is stripping down and baring the goods on front page spreads just because he's vain or wants to get laid, or anything like that.

He simply does it to shock and awe the nation into humiliation over their fat-asses, so they too can look hot 'n sexy in swim attire and appear shirtless on the cover of Men's Health, as part of the Fit for Life Summer Challenge.

Aaron Schock: buffing up America one body at a time!

Schock, 29, a freshman congressman from Peoria, Ill., is teaming up with the magazine for the Fit For Life Summer Challenge, and says you have to practice what you preach when it comes to proper diet and exercise.

Not so much when it comes to your own hideous (homo)sexuality!

"If you want to start talking about healthy lifestyles and staying in shape, then you yourself should do your best to try to be a model, an example to people you're trying to convince to do the same."

Like keeping your cute, clean-shaven, conservative, cross-training li'l behind deep in the closet where it belongs (along with that screaming gay sign called your congressional picnic outfit!), for starters.

Schock, who is single and a conservative Baptist, says he was headed down the wrong path himself at one point. "In college I could feel my body changing, and I knew that if I didn't make some changes, I was going to go in the wrong direction."

Straight into the nearest all-night leather bar and into the thick, bulging biceps of the bouncer Big Daddy Jim.

Which, for a conservative closet case like Aaron Schock, is still a helluva lot better than getting screwed by Uncle Sam.

XTREME? More like Schocking!

For Once Sarah Palin Actually Stands On The Right Side Of History; Like Always She Manages To Offend Us All

Retired snow bunny, current reality teevee star, and president of Twitterbook, Sarah Louise Palin, is trying her very hardest to be taken seriously as a real, electable politician! Mostly by alternating her precious time pallin' around bein' free with Kate Gosselin in majestic, wild Alaska and tweeting 140-character gibberish no one understands all so she can one day become President of America on behalf of all Mama Grizzlies who love Jesus 'n freedom 'n underage teenage pregnancies 'n stuff.

Oh, you betcha!

So, it comes as no surprise that Miss Thang decided to do the proper, professional, presidential thing and let the whole world know her very important opinion on the recent repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell...by re-Tweeting some weirdo rightwing lezzie columnist's Tweet about 'homos' and how microblogging is turning the entire nation into one collective special needs precious li'l miracle named Trigger.

Apparently, Alaska's hellchild Sarah Palin does have tons of gay and lesbian friends! Particularly random, like-minded righties she's never actually met nor heard of 'til now, who just so happen to be one of them awful gays!

From conservative pundit (and secret Sarah Palin BFF) Tammy Bruce's Twitter:

But this hypocrisy is just truly too much. Enuf already—the more someone complains about the homos the more we should look under their bedTue Jan 04 03:12:46 via webTammy Bruce
HeyTammyBruce

OMG, like so true! Everyone knows that those who utterly hate the terrible gross gays the absolute mostest and loudest, and want nothing more than to keep their awful AIDS spreading paws away from the sacred altars and out of the perfectly straight military are usually the ones who end up being terrible gays themselves, or at the very least, the ones with all the secret gay stuff stashed "under their bed."

Everyone including Sarah Palin, that is.

Oooh, how delightful! America's #1 favoritest Twatter of dumb, indecipherable nonsense on important social policies has decided to break her "silence" on the not-really-controversial-except-among-other rabidly-homophobic-probably-also-homosexual-Republicans, Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, by re-tweeting some conservative dyke's profound 140-character thought about the "Homos" and their "beds."

Hooray for freedom and fags!

Except umm, SarBear, here's the thing. While homos the whole nation over are simply delighted, no, make that overjoyed, that the usually reliably bigoted wench of Wasilla is suddenly totally cool with the terrible gays and lesbians prancing around serving (and servicing!) America's Armed Forces, now that they are legally permitted to do so, it is still considered somewhat distasteful for anyone, let alone a major political figure reality teevee star who is also VERY straight to use the word "homos," or quote its use in any way, even if it is in a vague, semi pro-gay rights context.

Not even Sarah Palin, who owns the entire state of Alaska!

Because unless Mama Grizz wants to throw on a pair of khakis and baggy flannel shirt, throw out the lipstick, and go down on Miss Tammy Bruce, she probably shouldn't be tossing the word "homos" around like the new Lilith Fair CD among a group of San Fran dykes on bikes.

This f**kin' woman! I mean, she would come out for gay rights in a way that pisses off the vast majority of gay people, wouldn't she?

Of course she would! Then again, why on God's green earth would anyone expect professionalism from dingbat Sarah Palin, of all people?

Enuf already!

The Gays Are Coming! The Gays Are Coming! Meaning Rightwing Nutjobs Are CPACking Their Bags & Heading For The Homo-Free Haven Better Known As Denial

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Is Everyone's Fave Straight-As-A-Southern-Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham About To Be Outed As A Deviant, Army Distracting Homosexual?

South Carolina's favorite sexually ambiguous native son, lifelong bachelor, and lesbian look-a-like senior Senator Lindsey Graham is always reliably against deviant homosexuals having any basic human rights in America because well, Lindsey's a Republican, y'all!

And not just any gay-bashin' war lovin' rough 'n tumble conservative from below the Mason-Dixon line, but a certain effeminate, never-been-married gent (which pretty much proves everything), whose been hounded by gay rumors ever since he first pranced on the political scene back in the '90s when Right Said Fred was still doing his little turn on the catwalk.

Sadly, despite all of Lindsey's noble efforts to distance himself from the hideous queers by trying desperately to keep them away from America's sacred heterosexual altars and military barracks, the rainbow rumors just won't go away!

Even his convincing declaration in a 2009 New York Times Magazine interview, "I ain't gay" isn't enough to keep the not-at-all-suspicious spring out his perfectly straight step.

To make matters even worse, gay rights activist and world famous outer of closeted, hypocritical, self-loathing politicians, Mike Rogers, claims to have "pictures of a man who spent the night" with Sen. Lindsey Graham, which is absolutely CRAZY because everyone knows Republicans cannot be gay because of Jesus 'n the bible 'n stuff.

But Mike Rogers' Twitter account says otherwise:

I wonder if Lindsey Graham knows I have pictures of a man who spent the night at his house. pls RT
– 10:57 AM Dec 18th
Just reached lawyer at home. Meeting set for Tues. on releasing pix of man who spent night at Lindsey Graham’s.
– 11:05 AM Dec 18th

But what ever does Mr. Rogers (sorry, I couldn't resist) mean by "pictures of a man who spent the night" at Graham's house? Pictures of his secret little boy toy/luggage handler scurrying furtively from his front porch wearing nothing but a silk robe and slippers? Candid shots of a loving embrace, steamy goodbye kiss or otherwise compromising position of the Senator and his special man friend?

Perhaps it was just his bestest friend in the whole world, John McCain, paying his fellow Grand Old Patriot a friendly visit for a quick round of Twister while discussing all the terrible "gay distractions" swirling around the old man's deranged, rapidly deteriorating mind?

Because one thing America will not, cannot afford is all these God-awful "gay distractions" causing once full-bodied, straight-as-an-arrow soldiers to suddenly go gay crazy, start blowing one another, only to get their limbs blown off and turn the entire United States Armed Forces into a bunch of limbless sissies, who'd probably be waving not mighty, beautiful red, white, and blue stars 'n stripes, but hideous rainbow and pink triangle flags.

If only they still had their arms.

No One Asked But McCain's Still Telling...He's A Bitter Old Man Who Hates The Gays Almost As Much As NObama & His Own Pathetic, Miserable Life

Rejoice America because John McCain's deranged, one-man stinky rotten loser, raging bull destroy-Obama crusade to keep awful gay and lesbian soldiers from admitting they're in fact awful gay and lesbian soldiers is now as dead as the old man's last remaining neurons and synapses.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of the usually insufferable but occasionally decent, ol' Independent Joe Lieberman and scrappy, hard-fighting, justice-seekin' Mormon Majority Leader Harry Reid, the Senate finally achieved its first successful repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell after only 500 pathetic attempts, and like, 17 shameful years, by an official vote of 65 decent human beings to 31 bitter, bigoted old white men.

Hooray!

But just because a policy granting decency and basic human rights to members of our Armed Forces is good for equality, good for justice, and good for America, does not mean it is good for John McCain. We wouldn’t want to have too many civil rights in a gloriously free society such as our own, now would we?

No, no we certainly wouldn't! Unless you're a hippie dippie queer-lovin' Democrat!

“I don’t care who you love,” Senator Ron Wyden, Democrat of Oregon, said as the repeal debate opened. “If you love this country enough to risk your life for it, you shouldn’t have to hide who you are.” [...]

“I’m not here for partisan reasons,” Carl Levin, a Michigan Democrat, said. “I’m here because men and women wearing the uniform of the United States who are gay and lesbian have died for this country, because gay and lesbian men and women wearing the uniform of this country have their lives on the line right now.”

Oh great, so now the line is gonna be all gross and gay now, too!

Good thing one rapidly deteriorating (though, not fast enough!) Senator by the name of John McCain will not stand silently by as desperately-needed civil rights are tossed around willy-nilly to every fatigue-clad homosexual spreading security and sin in every nook, cranny and underground bunker around the world.

Them gays will get rights over his (medically declared) dead body!

"So here we are about six weeks after an election that repudiated the agenda of the other side," McCain wheezed in a bizarre, rambling floor speech, one part argument and four parts temper tantrum.

"You think: 'what this bizarro world that the Majority Leader has been carrying us in of cloture votes on this, votes on various issues that are on the political agenda of the other side, you somehow think that beginning next January 5, we will all love one another and kumbaya?"

Yeah, suck it faggots!

"Today's a very sad day. The commandant of the United States Marine Corps says when your life hangs on the line, you don't want anything distracting," McCain insisted, doing his best impression of Miss Runner Up USA and devout one man+one woman advocate Carrie Prejean..."I don't want to permit that opportunity to happen and I'll tell you why. You go up to Bethesda Naval Hospital, Marines are up there with no legs, none. You've got Marines at Walter Reed with no limbs."

Hear that people?? Human torsos are literally piling up like limbless mannequin mountains all because U.S. soldiers are constantly distracted by all the hotttttt man-on-man action going on in every Iraqi foxhole and Afghan mountainside now that Ga-Ga gays are free to lose the p-p-poker face, put on their rainbow meat dresses and shimmy-shake their fabulous selves out of Army closets across the nation.

On the other hand, soldiers still possessing all their appendages are able to keep constant vigil over fellow servicemen, probably because their minds aren't stuck in the terrible, twisted gay gutter.

What else could possibly be distracting soldiers? Certainly not blessed straight, man-on-woman sex! In all of human history, men have never, ever been distracted by the thought of women and/or having sex with them, only by the thought of two guys in green and brown camouflage getting it on behind the barracks.

Hell, what do you think distracted John McCain when he crashed all those airplanes deep behind enemy lines? Certainly not Cindy McCain, who clearly wasn't yet old enough to be buying elections or posing naked with her mouth duct-taped to protest old white bigots like her wonderful Grandpa husband John wantonly discriminating against gay and lezzy people.

Bottom line is that John McCain is just trying to save innocent lives, innocent hetero lives, that is.

Despite the "thousands" of active and retired military personnel who tell him not to repeal DADT (in his head), McCain was resigned to the fact that it will be repealed, "and all over America, there'll be gold stars put up in windows, in the rural towns and communities all over America that don't partake in the elite schools that bar military recruiters from campus, that don't partake in the salons of Georgetown and the other liberal bastions here around the country, but there will be additional sacrifice."

“I have no idea what he's talking about and no one else does either," Harry Reid said with a shrug.

"All over America?" Technically, his best buddy Joe Lieberman repealed it "all over John McCain's face."

For the second time in as many years, John McCain FAILS to make history. Err, except maybe in the newly revised Texas schoolbooks. They seem to have a fondness for bitter old white men who prefer to go down with the ship.

After they toss the terrible gays overboard, that is.

Lessons In Fierce: Don't Ask Don't Tell Repeal In Senate As Dead As Republicans' Sense Of Decency & Justice

Pump up the Gaga, gays and gals who like gals! Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid finally went ahead with a a cloture vote on the defense spending bill, a procedural move effectively allowing a repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell to come to the floor for debate, though fortunately not gay and lesbian soldiers to burst out of Army closets as out 'n proud members of the U.S. Military. Phew!

But, like most other bills not exclusively dedicated to making the rich even more delightfully rich and powerful, this too failed by a vote of 57-40, because our nation's democracy is so advanced and effective that it can't even rule on matters of basic equality like normal human beings not crazed, special needs swamp monsters.

Rumor had it that gay-loving Republicans Scott "Cosmo" Brown, Susan "Cock Tease" Collins, and John "What Happens In Vegas..." Ensign were on board and ready to support repeal.

They were thisclose, I tell ya, thisclose to getting this thing done, once and for all!

But nooooooo! Suddenly, Ms. Collins decided, eh, on second thought, she won't vote for cloture after all because apparently the last 17 years haven't been nearly long enough, and she obviously needs more time to straighten things out, so to speak.

And she will also not move so much as one freakin, freedom-denying  inch unless a certain Mormon Majority Leader agrees to her perfectly reasonable demands for very kindly permitting debate to proceed on the defense authorization bill, so that her wonderful Grand Old colleagues can take to the floor and explain all the fabulous reasons why, when it comes to gross gay and lesbians (except when it involves Michael Steele RNC fundraisers), they don't care about logic or equality, but centuries-old bigotry and fear. Well, that and tax cuts for the rich, of course.

"The majority leader's allotment of time to debate those amendments was extremely short (17 years does seem a bit rash!), so I have suggested doubling the amount of time, assuring that there would be votes, and making sure that the Republicans get to pick our own amendments as opposed to the Majority Leader," Sen. Collins said, adding, "If he does that I will do all that I can to help him proceed to the bill. But if he does not do that, then I will not."

So there!

Collins reminded Reid that Republicans don't want to debate anything until the tax issue is resolved. "I have urged the majority leader to postpone the vote...so that we could get the tax bill considered first -- which I believe could be on the floor tomorrow -- and completed by Saturday, and then move immediately to the DOD bill, but under a fair agreement."

A fair agreement being, of course, whatever it takes to stall debating (let alone voting on) some dumb, bizarre policy compromise crafted 17 years ago, when most of the country still thought of gays as scary, rainbow unitard wearing sexually deviant demons fairying through the skies scouring for innocent heterosexual newborns to kidnap and have their wily ways with back in their Pottery Barn accented soft lofts in the ninth circle of Hell. Now gays are mostly known as those pesky, speedo-clad hard-bodies whose ridiculous demands for equal rights and the same constitutional guarantees as their superior, heterosexual counterparts are making life very difficult for those like John McCain, who rely on hatred and discrimination for their very survival!

Well the Republicans' brilliant "Good Faith" negotiation strategy of ever-shifting demands and stall tactics worked wonders, because Susan Collins did end up voting for cloture,  not because she realized the lives and livelihoods of actual soldiers is probably more important than parliamentary process and archaic Senate procedures, but because with Republican Sens. Scott Brown (MA), Richard Lugar (IN), and Lisa Murkowski (AK) suddenly voting no, the repeal bill was doomed anyway.

Because being a "moderate" Republican like Susan Collins means saying you're in favor of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell repeal, but only once it is guaranteed that the legislation itself would never come to an actual vote because their party would drag their feet on it forever. 

Or if you're a freshly elected Democratic Senator from West Virginia like Joe Manchin, you also vote against repeal (when you're not shooting environment-protecting cap 'n trade bills with shotguns, that is) because in his enlightened Mountaineer state, politicians get instant respect and admiration whenever they vote against their terrible, fellow Democratic party, particularly on matters involving saving this dumb old planet or giving equal rights to them homos and their gross homo agenda.

"There is simply no evidence and no justification - legal, military or otherwise - for keeping this policy in place," Sen. Harry Reid said. "There is no reason to keep American citizens from fighting for the country they love because of whom they love."

Oh, Harry!

You don't need reason when you have Republicans!

But since you insist, how 'bout...NObama 2012??

Hell, there's forty reasons right there!