Lessons In Fierce: Don't Ask Don't Tell Repeal In Senate As Dead As Republicans' Sense Of Decency & Justice

Pump up the Gaga, gays and gals who like gals! Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid finally went ahead with a a cloture vote on the defense spending bill, a procedural move effectively allowing a repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell to come to the floor for debate, though fortunately not gay and lesbian soldiers to burst out of Army closets as out 'n proud members of the U.S. Military. Phew!

But, like most other bills not exclusively dedicated to making the rich even more delightfully rich and powerful, this too failed by a vote of 57-40, because our nation's democracy is so advanced and effective that it can't even rule on matters of basic equality like normal human beings not crazed, special needs swamp monsters.

Rumor had it that gay-loving Republicans Scott "Cosmo" Brown, Susan "Cock Tease" Collins, and John "What Happens In Vegas..." Ensign were on board and ready to support repeal.

They were thisclose, I tell ya, thisclose to getting this thing done, once and for all!

But nooooooo! Suddenly, Ms. Collins decided, eh, on second thought, she won't vote for cloture after all because apparently the last 17 years haven't been nearly long enough, and she obviously needs more time to straighten things out, so to speak.

And she will also not move so much as one freakin, freedom-denying  inch unless a certain Mormon Majority Leader agrees to her perfectly reasonable demands for very kindly permitting debate to proceed on the defense authorization bill, so that her wonderful Grand Old colleagues can take to the floor and explain all the fabulous reasons why, when it comes to gross gay and lesbians (except when it involves Michael Steele RNC fundraisers), they don't care about logic or equality, but centuries-old bigotry and fear. Well, that and tax cuts for the rich, of course.

"The majority leader's allotment of time to debate those amendments was extremely short (17 years does seem a bit rash!), so I have suggested doubling the amount of time, assuring that there would be votes, and making sure that the Republicans get to pick our own amendments as opposed to the Majority Leader," Sen. Collins said, adding, "If he does that I will do all that I can to help him proceed to the bill. But if he does not do that, then I will not."

So there!

Collins reminded Reid that Republicans don't want to debate anything until the tax issue is resolved. "I have urged the majority leader to postpone the vote...so that we could get the tax bill considered first -- which I believe could be on the floor tomorrow -- and completed by Saturday, and then move immediately to the DOD bill, but under a fair agreement."

A fair agreement being, of course, whatever it takes to stall debating (let alone voting on) some dumb, bizarre policy compromise crafted 17 years ago, when most of the country still thought of gays as scary, rainbow unitard wearing sexually deviant demons fairying through the skies scouring for innocent heterosexual newborns to kidnap and have their wily ways with back in their Pottery Barn accented soft lofts in the ninth circle of Hell. Now gays are mostly known as those pesky, speedo-clad hard-bodies whose ridiculous demands for equal rights and the same constitutional guarantees as their superior, heterosexual counterparts are making life very difficult for those like John McCain, who rely on hatred and discrimination for their very survival!

Well the Republicans' brilliant "Good Faith" negotiation strategy of ever-shifting demands and stall tactics worked wonders, because Susan Collins did end up voting for cloture,  not because she realized the lives and livelihoods of actual soldiers is probably more important than parliamentary process and archaic Senate procedures, but because with Republican Sens. Scott Brown (MA), Richard Lugar (IN), and Lisa Murkowski (AK) suddenly voting no, the repeal bill was doomed anyway.

Because being a "moderate" Republican like Susan Collins means saying you're in favor of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell repeal, but only once it is guaranteed that the legislation itself would never come to an actual vote because their party would drag their feet on it forever. 

Or if you're a freshly elected Democratic Senator from West Virginia like Joe Manchin, you also vote against repeal (when you're not shooting environment-protecting cap 'n trade bills with shotguns, that is) because in his enlightened Mountaineer state, politicians get instant respect and admiration whenever they vote against their terrible, fellow Democratic party, particularly on matters involving saving this dumb old planet or giving equal rights to them homos and their gross homo agenda.

"There is simply no evidence and no justification - legal, military or otherwise - for keeping this policy in place," Sen. Harry Reid said. "There is no reason to keep American citizens from fighting for the country they love because of whom they love."

Oh, Harry!

You don't need reason when you have Republicans!

But since you insist, how 'bout...NObama 2012??

Hell, there's forty reasons right there!

Yay! Republicans Heroically Vote To Keep Our Military Safe From Scary Ladies In Meat Dresses & Even Scarier Ga-Ga Gays!

OMG! Guess what little gay and lezzy monsters across America?? Your little "rights" struggles are over! Done, dunzo, finito, Ga-Ga-gonzo!

Oh, wait never mind, you're all still totally screwed, despite Lady Gaga donning a hotttt meat dress, and p-p-p-poking her face all around Maine, trying to convince the last two "moderate" (aka not completely insane) Senator ladies, Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe, not to be ignorant homophobic wretches, on the wrong side of equality everything, like the rest of their Grand Obstructionist Party of dinosaurs and elderly Klansmen. But they politely declined!

Ooops, guess crazy really is all the rage these days!

Not even Gaga's sexy steak dress was enough to convince the Bangor Sisters, Susan and Olympia, that indeed gays and lesbians should have as much right to senselessly die in a remote parched desert mountainside as the rest of decent, heterosexual America.

"Equality is the prime rib of America, but because I am gay, I don't get to enjoy the greatest cut of meat my country has to offer," Lady Gaga said, referring to the MTV Video Music Awards dress she wore last week made out of cuts of steak.

"Shouldn't everyone deserve to wear the same meat dress I do?" she said.

Yes, totally! Err, make that everyone who is not a gross gay person! They can have the scraps, or maybe the random discarded bits 'n parts that go into a hotdog. The gays like those, right? I would say lesbians too, but everyone knows dykes despise (man)meat, and much prefer Garden Burgers or Tofu instead. They should probably just go ahead and stick to that Kermit the Frog frock. It is much more their style, being green & vegetarian and all.

Oh yeah, and since when is Lady Gaga g-g-g-g-gay?? We were totally waiting for her to invent a new form of sexuality (steakuality? Bad Romancuality?) instead of declaring herself just another boring, ho-hum homo!

Sorry gays, maybe next year never?

But at least the rest of good, heteroperfect America can sleep soundly knowing that our nation's servicemen will not be secretly servicing one another (or at least not asking or telling anyone about it), for a few more months at the earliest! Phew!!

Thanks to the inability of Democrats to get the 60 votes needed to break a Republican filibuster and keep debate alive on a defense authorization bill — including a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" repeal and the DREAM Act, which would provide a path to citizenship for children of illegal immigrants via military service or higher education — the 17-year-old policy that legally bars gays and lesbians from being their fabulous selves while donning military fatigues and devoting their lives to protecting the very freedom they're denied, will continue indefinitely.

Woohoo! Who needs dumb equality anyway?? Certainly not this country! Not mighty, straight America: Land of the (sort of) free and home of the bravely discriminating against deviant queers for almost two decades. Hooray!

The Senate—leery of being steamrolled into a pre-election vote on abolishing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" before the Pentagon completes its study on the impact of its repeal—decided Tuesday against lifting the 17-year-old law. Senators voted 56-43, failing to get the 60 votes needed to end a Republican filibuster and allow an actual vote on ending the ban.

Republican senators, including Sens. John McCain (AZ) and Susan Collins (ME), argued that passing repeal now would undermine the Defense Department’s review of the policy, which won’t be completed until December.

Repeal supporters believe it will be years before another plausible effort can be mounted to allow openly gay men and women serve in the U.S. military.

Two Democratic senators from Arkansas (where the F else??), Mark Pryor and Blanche Lincoln, voted with Republicans to block the bill, likely because Blanche Lincoln wants her children to remember that she stood firmly against equality just before being soundly defeated in her final, desperate bid for re-election, against whatever even more repulsive, backwards, gay bashing bag of Earl Grey hijacked the GOP nomination now.

Go Blanche! You're an inspiration to all who abandon their principles, still get unceremoniously tossed out by mobs of racist white people, and end up as a big, fat, unemployed loser with nothing but a suspiciously dyke-y haircut to comfort you!

And of course, special kudos to ancient fossil and everyone's favorite bigoted, senile grandfather John McCain, whose tireless efforts to ensure the military is free of terrible gays, and instead filled with convicted felons, repeat offenders, and hotheaded airmen who skillfully crash their planes deep in enemy territory, only to get captured alive and wallow in a Vietnamese prison as a fool-proof(?) plan to get some real political power. By losing various presidential bids, along with his mind, integrity, soul, and tons o' Cindy's money along the way, for freedom!

Yes, the same John McCain who wanted to put FREAKIN' SARAH PALIN in the White House, is concerned that a gay man in uniform could harm the country. But a special needs moose as vice president? Ha ha, no worries! CUNTry first, my friends!

Sure, Gramps McCain might have lost the presidency of the United States, but now Johnny can take solace in the fact that he is still officially President of Keeping America Safe From Gay Troops, though judging by this latest blow (no pun intended), Obama may soon be taking that job, too!

So surely they will vote to pass this when that Pentagon review comes out and says gays should be allowed to serve openly in the military. Right??? Surely! John McCain especially. Someone might need to jog his memory a bit to give the old man a little reminder he already won the Senate election, so no need to morph into whatever racist homophobic nutjob he thinks will help him win in Aryanzona, just like last time.

"One can only draw the conclusion that this is all about elections, not about the welfare, the well-being, the morale and the battle effectiveness of the men and women who are laying it on the line in Iraq and Afghanistan today," McCain said.

Laying it on the line, not taking it from behind, got it all you fags 'n dykes out there, dying and/or translating Arabic before getting dishonorably discharged for not having the decency to the Republican kind of gay: in denial, undercover, or secretly trolling for hot man tail in airport men's rooms only.

Meanwhile, the wonderful straights of this country can take solace in knowing they are still, temporarily, allowed to have sex with one another and serve openly in the military, now that their god-blessed heterosexual marriage is totally less threatened by keeping courageous homos out of Army barracks and back in supply closets & storage containers where they belong.

So remember America: Be all you can be, except who you really are: a disgusting, eternally damned big ball of homosinuality who listens to Lady Gaga, when not destroying the moral fabric of society.

Or better yet why not just require all the gross gays to enlist, ship the whole sick lot of 'em off to Iraq and Afghanistan, so America can once again be the strong, strapping, fiercely hetero nation it strives to be, where a person will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character their partner's genitalia.

Because, here in America, when putting your life on the line to serve your country, the only thing that really matters is that you shoot are straight!

Ga-Ga-got it?

Democrats Violate Obama's Personal Space As He Signs Away Wall Street's Ability To Dupe The Dumb Public Whenever They Want...For Freedom!

Democratic congressional leaders happily hover around President Barack Obama as he signs the Dodd-Frank financial regulatory reform bill, giving the big, bad government sweeping oversight powers to regulate just how much Big Business/Wall Street is allowed to screw over dumb, everyday schmucks like you and me. Which, as it turns out, is not so much anymore! Hooray!

The bill, a hard-earned culmination of two years of fierce lobbying and intense debate over how to deal (or if you're a Republican, how NOT to deal) with the financial excesses and terrible hands-off policies that thrust the nation into the worst recession since the Great Depression, is another huge legislative victory for Barry the Terrible, and another devastating loss for the Grand Obstructionist Patriots who would love nothing more than to watch the dumb, suffering public stay poor, unemployed, and homeless for another four years, at least!

During the exciting White House signing ceremony, President Obama hailed the new legislation as a enormous victory for consumer protections and Wall Street accountability, and major step towards a sensible financial system that doesn't prey on the least fortunate, while rewarding those who urinate in diamond-encrusted gold toilets by spearheading one of the worst financial collapses in recent memory (except for maybe, John McCain of course!).

“These reforms represent the strongest consumer financial protections in history. Because of this law, the American people will never again be asked to foot the bill for Wall Street’s mistakes," President Obama said. "There will be no more taxpayer-funded bailouts. Period.”

“If you’ve ever applied for a credit card, a student loan, or a mortgage, you know the feeling of signing your name to pages of barely understandable fine print. But what often happens as a result, is that many Americans are caught by hidden fees and penalties, or saddled with loans they can’t afford.”

He said the law would crack down on abusive practices in the mortgage industry, simplifying contracts and ending hidden fees and penalties, “so folks know what they’re signing.”

Ugh, then how will Morgan Stanley and Bear Stearns be able to hand out billion dollar bonuses courtesy of the dumb (now homeless) taxpayers, as a well-earned reward for all their hard work concocting various get-rich-quick-by-destroying-an-entire-economy-schemes??

Minds so white hot with scintillating brilliance, they even managed to melt an entire housing market. Wizards, I tell ya!

Let's just hope Cosmo model Scott Brown gets his usual cold feet and starts prattling on about hostile business climates, not spooking investors, and not $crewing over the nice men and women responsible for his wild oil-guzzling ride to Washington, and decides to rip that pen out of NObama's Socialist hands mid-stroke.

Oh no-zees! Guess that's not going to happen! NObama even gave those three traitors a collective shout-out—including Bangor Sisters Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe of Maine, and Scott Brown of nudie centerfolds—for breaking with their party to approve the bill, saying that they “put partisanship aside, judged the bill on the merits, and voted for reform.”

God damn those selfish bastards! Now, who's gonna get rich off the misfortunes of others? Who, I ask you, who?

No one!?!?!

Ugh, America is as good as dead.

Just like your portfolio.