Chris Christie Vows To Reject New Jersey Gay Marriage Law Faster Than A Jenny Craig Diet

Rejoice gays and gayettes! New Jersey's Senate passed a gay marriage bill today! Now it will shimmy-shake its fabulous self on down to the State Assembly, which will pass it, because why the hell not? From there it will shake its groove thing over to the desk of New Jersey Governor of Sandwiches Fat Fattie Chris Christie, who will promptly veto it and then curse out some old ladies and Kindergarteners for his tasty after-breakfast snack.

Naturally, Democrats in the Garden State won't have the numbers to overturn Christie's veto, so the sanctity of marriage in the filthy, grease-filled shores of New Jersey will fortunately remain limited to Snooki and the bronzed Italian meathead kind enough to take her hand in both holy matrimony and while relieving herself in the back alley of some seedy bar outside Atlantic City.

Because in order to actually become legal in New Jersey, gay marriage legislation would have to accomplish what light itself cannot, which is, of course, to get around Chris Christie.

But Democrats aren't about to allow 500 lbs of redfaced blubbery obstruction stop them from celebrating their awesome, nothing-more-than-symbolic victory for equality and decency, amiright?

Fuggedaboutit!

From the Star-Ledger:

Gay marriage opponents say such a stalemate will put New Jersey’s 10-year debate on ice for a long time. Supporters, however, will treat a vote by both houses as an important milestone in a fight they will continue to wage.
“I don’t think there’s one civil rights leader in the South who thought ending segregation would be a slam dunk on the first time out,” said Assemblyman Reed Gusciora (D-Mercer), New Jersey’s first openly gay lawmaker.
Steven Goldstein, chairman of the gay rights advocacy group Garden State Equality, said the group will celebrate if it passes.
“This week’s marriage equality votes are like the World Series, the Super Bowl and a Barbra Streisand concert all wrapped up in one,” he said.

Or to phrase it in a way Chris Christie can digest, let's call it the Turducken of civil rights.

[image via Gawker]

Rick Santorum Is Frothing Mad That Equal Rights For All Applies To Weird, Scary (Tempting?) Homosexuals

Stripped away, really Rick? Stripped? No sexual connotation there.

Wait, what? Apparently, Rick "Google me at your own risk" Santorum confuses restoring rights with destroying rights. Or at least when it comes to gross gays and lezzies who Rick knows shouldn't be allowed to get gross gay-married or do anything except get ridiculed, marginalized, and discriminated against by bigoted closet cases straight-as-a-heterosexual who thinks nonstop about men putting their penises into other men's assholes.

Guess when it comes to asssholes, it takes one to know one, right, Rick? But what does the rest of one man+one woman America think about the worst miscarriage of justice since millions of white kids had their rights to separate, negro-free schools stripped away by activist judges in Brown v. Board of Education?

Finally one thing we can all agree on: Rick Santorum is the worst human ever!

But the dude sure is funny.

"As President I will work to protect marriage."

Hahahahah. "As President." Good one, Rick. Good one.

That's almost as good of a joke as your (hetero)sexuality!

Michele Bachmann Generously Offers To Let Gays Get Straight Married, Just Like Marcus Bachmann Did!

Minnesota hellwoman and (un)equal rights warrior Michele Bachmann is no stranger to fighting for the little people, those least able to speak for themselves, like the li'l fairy living inside Marcus and the various insane voices living inside her head.

Which is why Michele is working hard to ensure that the civil rights of all Americans are protected, but especially the white heterosexual Christian ones because they are better and infinitely more important, according to Jesus and the Constitution.

But it's not as if Michele is saying gay people shouldn't get married because they are gross abominations of God who will burn in eternal hellfire for their gross gay sins. Not at all! She's simply saying that if gays feel the need to get hitched so damn badly, they can go ahead and feel free to marry a person of the opposite sex, like normal, decent Americans who make a living secretly praying the gay away.

"[Gay people] can get married,” she says, “But they abide by the same law as everyone else. They can marry a man if they’re a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they’re a man." Oooh, so many options!

So straight people can marry who they love, and gay people can marry a straight person because this is how "civil rights" works, or at least according to someone with a mail-order law degree from Crazy Christian U and unshakeable belief that mandatory HPV vaccinations make you retarded.

Luckily, one thoughtful young woman and president of Waverly High School's Gay-Straight Alliance, Jane Schmidt, apparently missed her government-forced vaccination/mental retardation shot because she confronted Miss Bachmann on her obvious inability to make any sense whatsoever.

JANE SCHMIDT: One of my main concerns is government support for the LGBT community. So my question is what would you do to protect GSAs in high school and support the LGBT community.
BACHMANN: Well, No. 1, all of us as Americans have the same rights. The same civil rights. And so that's really what government's role is, to protect our civil rights. There shouldn't be any special rights or special set of criteria based upon people's preferences. We all have the same civil rights.
JANE SCHMIDT: Then, why can't same-sex couples get married?
BACHMANN: They can get married, but they abide by the same law as everyone else. They can marry a man if they’re a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they're a man.
JANE SCHMIDT: Why can't a man marry a man?
BACHMANN: Because that's not the law of the land.
JANE SCHMIDT: So heterosexual couples have a privilege.
BACHMANN: No, they have the same opportunity under the law. There is no right to same-sex marriage.
JANE SCHMIDT: So you won't support the LGBT community?
BACHMANN: No, I said that there are no special rights for people based upon your sex practices. There's no special rights based upon what you do in your sex life. You're an American citizen first and foremost and that's it.
BACHMANN: Remember every American citizen has the right to avail themselves to marriage but they have to follow what the laws are. And the laws are you marry a person of the opposite sex.

Exactly! It's common decency! Kind of like when an insane congresswoman goes on some psychotic, incoherent, mind-numbingly illogical rant, it is your duty to point out the fact that gay marriage is indeed lawful in Iowa, where she was speaking. Not in Minnesota, of course, which at least makes a pretty good legal argument for how she ended up married to Marcus Bachmann.

Though on the bright side, according to the Constitution, Michele is still free to go fuck herself.

Which comes as quite a relief. Not least of all to Marcus!

[image via The Raw Story]

Don't Ask Don't Tell Repeal Finally Goes Into Effect As Society Welcomes Republicans Into The 21st Century Of Basic Human Dignity

Congratulations, America! The moment we've all been waiting for—and Republicans have been warning us about—is finally here, and it's most definitely queer.

At the stroke of midnight on Tuesday, the terrible, nearly two decades old discriminatory policy banning gays and lezzies from being all they can be as loud 'n proud members of the U.S. military is officially as dead as poor people would be if the GOP had anything to say about it.

It's true! So now that Don't Ask Don't Tell is just another one of America's most cherished, nostalgic Clinton-era memories (right up there with Monica Lewinsky's semen-stained blue dress, and all the wild 'n crazy things you can do with a cigar), what does this mean for the rest of us?

Where's the hellfire, the brimstone, the unraveling of America's moral fabric, the total collapse of civilized society, and the vengeful fury of God's wrath that every Republican knows comes from no longer regulating whether our nation's servicemen and women are servicing each other with the proper penis-vagina ratios?

Even the usually reliable ol' gay panic standby Fox News is uncharacteristically silent on the issue, with nary a peep about how letting gross gay and lesbians openly serve will quickly and irreversibly transform America's once-lean, mean, hetero fighting Marine Corps machine into one big camouflaged Chorus Line, except with less ensemble dance numbers and more anal gang rapes in the shower.

So while Michele and Marcus Bachmann, Lindsay Graham, and the rest of the Grand Old Closet Cases anxiously wait for Armaggedon to come in the form of fatigue-wearing Eltons and Ellens, the rest of America can feel Ga-Ga Great knowing their country's military policy towards gay people is officially no longer on par with North Korea, Uganda, Syria, and Iran, but instead as wonderfully enlightened as Albania, Estonia, and Malta's.

From the AP:

Gay advocacy groups planned a series of celebrations across the country.
At a San Diego bar, current and former troops danced and counted down to midnight. “You are all heroes,” Sean Sala, a former Navy operations specialist, said. “The days of your faces being blacked out on the news — no more.”
The head of Pentagon personnel, Clifford Stanley, put out a memo to the work force at 12:01 a.m. EDT. “All service members are to treat one another with dignity and respect regardless of sexual orientation.”

OMG, what a crazy, novel idea!!

THE GAYS WIN! Hooray! Doesn't the liberal destruction and moral decay of our nation just feel faaaaaabulous!?

What's The Only Thing Scarier Than War & Famine In Uganda? Gay People, Of Course!

Uganda's enlightened 15th century 21st century bill condemning terrible, no-good gays & lezzies, and all "active homosexuals living with HIV" to death (and probably not by chocolate!) or at the very least, life imprisonment for anyone known to participate in "homosexual acts," has been temporarily shelved, and only partially because it is batsh*t crazy.

The real problem with Uganda's death-to-queers bill is that the rest of civilized society doesn't seem quite as gung-ho as Uganda about hacking homos to death, and are putting their money where Uganda's machetes are, with international aid organizations, the U.S. State Department, President Barack Obama, and powerful, outspoken gays like Rep. Barney Frank threatening to withhold aid to the deeply impoverished nation.

Apparently, gay people are loathsome enough that they deserve to be roundly ridiculed, discriminated, and harassed, but not so despicable that they should actually be killed.

Which means gay people are off the hook, and free to continue destroying the moral fabric of poor, civil war-torn, Sub-Saharan African society with their cleanliness, fashion sense, and #1 favorite pastime  recruiting unsuspecting children (to the dark side) with go-go boots and Barbara Streisand sing-alongs, for now.

So you're saying there's still a chance (Jesus willing?) that the evil, hate bill will be reintroduced in the next legislative session? Keep your fingers crossed, people, so long as it is in a manly, perfectly hetero way, of course!

According to the Guardian:

With the current parliament about to be dissolved, the bill appears to have been put on hold indefinitely – but campaigners warned it could be reintroduced in the next session.
John Alimadi, an MP, told the Associated Press the bill may have been dropped from the agenda because of the worldwide outcry against it.
Campaigners welcomed the development. Christopher Seneno, a Ugandan bishop, said: "It's good news. We wouldn't like this bill even to be debated. That will be dangerous because there is a lot of misinformation and excitement. Just with the bill being debated, anything can happen to LGBT people."
Seneno admitted he did not know whether the bill was dead in the water or could be revived at a later date.

Uganda be kidding me. Idi-ocy, I say! Amin, really!

Sarah Palin Celebrates Martin Luther King Day By Honoring The Closest Thing, Herself!

The long-lost, kindred spirit of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Dr. Sarah Louise Palin, Jr. Varsity Basketball Captain of Wasilla High, is just positive the good Dr. King would be sooooooo very proud of her (and her KKK rally!) for fulfilling his hard-fought vision of true justice and equality for all (white Christian males) on this most specialist of special days!

The day when all of America commemorates the life of a special black person, or, as he is called in Sarah's circles, "Socialist Kenyan Muslim Terrorist," who once copied Glenn Beck by giving a speech at the Lincoln Memorial about his dream of selling a billion copies of his dumb book, or something like that.

Yes, from her distinct oratory gifts, deeply ingrained sense of humility, decency, & justice, and complete dedication to something bigger than any one person, the betterment of all humanity, Sarah Palin and Martin Luther King are one and the same.

The similarities are simply uncanny! Let's take a closer look...

Public Speaking:
Martin Luther King, Jr. makes history speaking brilliant words from his heart. Eventually, gets paid (hellishly!) for it.
Sarah Palin makes a living getting (hella!) paid to read misspelled words she scribbled on the palm of her hand.

Honors:
Martin Luther King, Jr.: Nobel Peace Prize, Presidential Medal of Freedom, Congressional Gold Medal national holiday, universal respect and reverence.
Sarah Palin: Reality Teevee Show (Canceled), Sarah-Palin-In-Your-Pocket Talking Keychain, President of incoherent nonsense on Twitterbook, universal "refudiation" (aka mockery and scorn).

Principles: 
Martin Luther King, Jr.: Stood up for what he believed was right no matter the odds. Boycotted the racial indignities the nation, particularly the American South, forced on its black citizens.
Sarah Palin: Stood up to the bullies in the lamestream media and public office who say terrible, meany things about her and/or her special needs precious li'l miracle of God, Trigger. Boycotted Bristol and Levi's sleigh ride to the altar.

Violence:
Martin Luther King, Jr.: “Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars."
Sarah Palin: "If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?” Violence is never the answer except when you're in a war or need to defeat Socialism or Muslims or Mexicans or Gays or Democrats. Never shoot anyone (who has a bigger gun than you). Shoot-to-kill absolutely everything else, especially the defenseless four-legged kind. "Don't Retreat, Reload."

Education:
Martin Luther King, Jr.: B.A. from Morehouse College, Bachelor of Divinity from Crozer Theological Seminary, Doctor of Philosophy, Boston University.
Sarah Palin: 60 credit hours, assorted community colleges (five) she attended in as many years, plus 1, errr, at least, she thinks (six)!

Assassination:
Martin Luther King, Jr.: Assassinated by escaped convict James Earl Ray in Memphis.
Sarah Palin: Pretends her "character" is being assassinated at least once every news cycle, that isn't Fox News.

Crosshairs:
Martin Luther King, Jr.: Unfortunately, was once in them (see above).
Sarah Palin: Unfortunately, when not looking through them, is usually drawing them on maps of districts where congressmen need to be taken out....With voting levers, silly!

Legacy:
Martin Luther King, Jr.: A martyr for the ages.
Sarah Palin: A martyr in her mind. 

I have a dream that one day all the federal offices, post offices and banks will be closed in honor of Sarah Palin. Until then, April Fool's Day will have to suffice.

Happy America Becomin' Less Racist Day, y’all.

Wink, wink!

No One Asked But McCain's Still Telling...He's A Bitter Old Man Who Hates The Gays Almost As Much As NObama & His Own Pathetic, Miserable Life

Rejoice America because John McCain's deranged, one-man stinky rotten loser, raging bull destroy-Obama crusade to keep awful gay and lesbian soldiers from admitting they're in fact awful gay and lesbian soldiers is now as dead as the old man's last remaining neurons and synapses.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of the usually insufferable but occasionally decent, ol' Independent Joe Lieberman and scrappy, hard-fighting, justice-seekin' Mormon Majority Leader Harry Reid, the Senate finally achieved its first successful repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell after only 500 pathetic attempts, and like, 17 shameful years, by an official vote of 65 decent human beings to 31 bitter, bigoted old white men.

Hooray!

But just because a policy granting decency and basic human rights to members of our Armed Forces is good for equality, good for justice, and good for America, does not mean it is good for John McCain. We wouldn’t want to have too many civil rights in a gloriously free society such as our own, now would we?

No, no we certainly wouldn't! Unless you're a hippie dippie queer-lovin' Democrat!

“I don’t care who you love,” Senator Ron Wyden, Democrat of Oregon, said as the repeal debate opened. “If you love this country enough to risk your life for it, you shouldn’t have to hide who you are.” [...]

“I’m not here for partisan reasons,” Carl Levin, a Michigan Democrat, said. “I’m here because men and women wearing the uniform of the United States who are gay and lesbian have died for this country, because gay and lesbian men and women wearing the uniform of this country have their lives on the line right now.”

Oh great, so now the line is gonna be all gross and gay now, too!

Good thing one rapidly deteriorating (though, not fast enough!) Senator by the name of John McCain will not stand silently by as desperately-needed civil rights are tossed around willy-nilly to every fatigue-clad homosexual spreading security and sin in every nook, cranny and underground bunker around the world.

Them gays will get rights over his (medically declared) dead body!

"So here we are about six weeks after an election that repudiated the agenda of the other side," McCain wheezed in a bizarre, rambling floor speech, one part argument and four parts temper tantrum.

"You think: 'what this bizarro world that the Majority Leader has been carrying us in of cloture votes on this, votes on various issues that are on the political agenda of the other side, you somehow think that beginning next January 5, we will all love one another and kumbaya?"

Yeah, suck it faggots!

"Today's a very sad day. The commandant of the United States Marine Corps says when your life hangs on the line, you don't want anything distracting," McCain insisted, doing his best impression of Miss Runner Up USA and devout one man+one woman advocate Carrie Prejean..."I don't want to permit that opportunity to happen and I'll tell you why. You go up to Bethesda Naval Hospital, Marines are up there with no legs, none. You've got Marines at Walter Reed with no limbs."

Hear that people?? Human torsos are literally piling up like limbless mannequin mountains all because U.S. soldiers are constantly distracted by all the hotttttt man-on-man action going on in every Iraqi foxhole and Afghan mountainside now that Ga-Ga gays are free to lose the p-p-poker face, put on their rainbow meat dresses and shimmy-shake their fabulous selves out of Army closets across the nation.

On the other hand, soldiers still possessing all their appendages are able to keep constant vigil over fellow servicemen, probably because their minds aren't stuck in the terrible, twisted gay gutter.

What else could possibly be distracting soldiers? Certainly not blessed straight, man-on-woman sex! In all of human history, men have never, ever been distracted by the thought of women and/or having sex with them, only by the thought of two guys in green and brown camouflage getting it on behind the barracks.

Hell, what do you think distracted John McCain when he crashed all those airplanes deep behind enemy lines? Certainly not Cindy McCain, who clearly wasn't yet old enough to be buying elections or posing naked with her mouth duct-taped to protest old white bigots like her wonderful Grandpa husband John wantonly discriminating against gay and lezzy people.

Bottom line is that John McCain is just trying to save innocent lives, innocent hetero lives, that is.

Despite the "thousands" of active and retired military personnel who tell him not to repeal DADT (in his head), McCain was resigned to the fact that it will be repealed, "and all over America, there'll be gold stars put up in windows, in the rural towns and communities all over America that don't partake in the elite schools that bar military recruiters from campus, that don't partake in the salons of Georgetown and the other liberal bastions here around the country, but there will be additional sacrifice."

“I have no idea what he's talking about and no one else does either," Harry Reid said with a shrug.

"All over America?" Technically, his best buddy Joe Lieberman repealed it "all over John McCain's face."

For the second time in as many years, John McCain FAILS to make history. Err, except maybe in the newly revised Texas schoolbooks. They seem to have a fondness for bitter old white men who prefer to go down with the ship.

After they toss the terrible gays overboard, that is.

U.S. Military Report Finally Asks & Tells, But Republicans Suddenly Can't Hear Or Speak

Oh no, not them pesky ne'r-do-well gays again!

Sure, more and more Americans are increasingly supportive of and comfortable with "gays" and "woman gays" aka "lesbians" serving openly in the military because, umm, last I checked this was the 21st century not the late cretaceous period when John McCain was still just a primordial twinkle in his mother's eye.

And also because much like John McCain's arthritis medicine, personal integrity, and mental capacity, wanton and unjust discrimination too has a half-life.

Pew has a new poll out today showing that the nation has shifted on Don't Ask Don't Tell, since the 1990s. Only 27 percent of Americans oppose gays and lesbians serving openly in the military, down from 45 percent in 1994. Fifty-eight percent of Americans support ending DADT. Even among Republicans, there is a narrow split: 44 percent oppose gays serving, while 40 percent favor.

OMG! Well there's that homosexual agenda for you. Fighting for acceptance, justice, and equality for years and years, until eventually, after decades of hard fought-struggle, bitter opposition, and sloooowly evolving attitudes, the wretched gays and lezzies finally gain said acceptance.

Whoa, whoa slow down queers! Ramming their God-forsaken, insidious agenda down our throats for the past half century or so years until our throats are so red, raw and sore that we can't even close our perfectly hetero jaws anymore.

Just look what's happening to the usually reliable bastion of homophobia and intolerance, the U.S. Military! The much-heralded, highly anticipated Holy Grail of Gay Studies, the Pentagon's several hundred-page report (which you can read all 267 pages of here, if you're insane) on whether allowing secretly gay soldiers to say "I'm gay" aloud would destroy the American military has been released. And turns out...wait for it...most soldiers do not think that allowing their fellow servicemen (and women) to be honest about their own, terrible sexuality (without fear of reprisal) would cause a sudden rainbow revolution where GI Joes and Janes throw off their fatigues, and come shimmy-shaking out of Army closets across the country singing "Honky Cat," ready to make deviant same-sex love, not pure, straight-as-a-bullet war.

- 70% of Service members said they would be able to "work together to get the job done" with a gay servicemember in their immediate units.
- 69% said they worked in a unit with a co-worker that they believed to be homosexual.
- 92% stated that their unit's "ability to work together," with a gay person was "very good, "good" or "neither good nor poor." (89% for those in Army combat arms units, 84% for those in Marine combat arms units.)
- 74% of spouses of military service-members say repeal of DADT would have no impact on their view of whether their husbands or wives should continue to serve.
- 30% overall (and 40–60% in the Marine Corps and in various combat arms specialties) expressed negative views or concerns about the impact of a repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

But it's not just the right to fight and die for their country as out 'n proud members of the U.S. military that the wicked gays are after. They want all the rights and privileges of normal people who have God-approved sex with the proper (1:1) penis-vagina ratios, the nerve!

And just look what the terrible gays are doing to America's moral fabric! Turning us into a bunch of rainbow colored, mostly divorced sissies, I tell ya!

A minority of Americans in 2010 (43 percent) think it is bad for society to have more gay couples raising children, while a majority think it is either a good thing (12 percent) or it makes no difference (41 percent) to have gay couples in parenting roles.

Umm, hello?? Need I remind you of a cozy li'l community called Sodom and Gomorrah? Fire, brimstone, but not a discothèque to be found in all the land. Coincidence, I think not!

What is truly tragic is that so many otherwise good, decent citizens are being swayed by this homosexual cabal and special interest minority always trying to shove freedom and equality down innocent, homophobic Americans' throats, but thankfully we still have heroes like John McCain around to ensure this great nation remains at the mercy of the will of the people.

Err, the will of the non-gay and non-gay-supporting people, that is. The real people.

Like say, congressional Republicans, whose initial enlightened response to the Pentagon's painstaking, months long study unequivocally proving that repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell won't damage troop readiness, hurt troop morale, or cause the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to appear on the shores of Ellis Island, is to demand more hearings and "comprehensive oversight" of this study, preferably until they assume control of the House and can kill it off for good.

The bill, not the gays, that is.

America may be going to hell but hey at least it's riding in one hell of a stylish handbasket, amiright?

Like Husband, Like Trophy Wife...Cindy McCain Gets Bound & Gagged, Then Flip Flops On NOH8ing Fags

Everyone knows John and Cindy McCain have the bestest, most blissfully beautiful, perfectly God-blessed heterosexual marriage of convenience this great land has ever seen. It's true!

For her part, Cindy does bring plenty to the table, like her unique, one-of-a-kind rich trophy wife good looks, senile old man appeal, as much of daddy's hard-earned Anheuser-Busch beer money as Johnny's ice cold albeit ambitious li'l heart desires ($20 mil sounds about right!), and whatever else it takes to get that damn old man out of Arizona and back in Washington where he can fight for the freedom to keep gross gays in the closet and out of Army barracks for as long as it is politically expedient.

Hooray!

Plus, with gramps out of her adorable, blond new pixie length hair, Cindy is finally free to do as she pleases, like diddling the hunky pool boy and/or getting bound and gagged for gay rights before deciding eh, on second thought, my senile spouse might not appreciate this sexy stunt so ummm, sorry gays, screw you and your stupid struggles for equality. Find another washed up, hypocritical heiress to do your dirty work. Cindy Mac, out!

Which is certainly a far cry from just last week when sweet Cind found time to duct tape her celebrity mouth shut to shoot a spot for the anti-gay bullying PSA by the NOH8 campaign, where she basically accused her lovely husband of sharing the blame for gay kids offing themselves all over the place in record numbers, all because of the their own terrible homosinuality. Yay?

"Our political and religious leaders tell LGBT youth that they have no future," Cindy McCain says. ... "They can't serve our country openly ... Our government treats the LGBT community like second-class citizens, why shouldn't [the bullies]?"

Well for one thing, Cindy, the so-called bullies you so casually mention happen to be the same shriveled carcass who supposedly sleeps in your bed every night, but hey, you already knew that, right? Hence, the ol' pill habit??

But just in to clear up any confusion, just like her Mama Grizzly kindred spirit, SarBear, Cindy took to her favoritest Twitter to set the record straight (like the good sexuality!) about how she didn't really mean anything that she said in the NOH8 video, and totally supports her husband's one-man crusade against justice and equality for gross gays, now and forever. After all, blood is thicker than water gay teen suicide stranger blood:

"I fully support the NOH8 campaign and all it stands for and am proud to be a part of it. But I stand by my husband's stance on DADT."

Ummm, awkward? Apparently, Cindy and John did something they haven't done in years: held an actual conversation, not through their various handlers, spokespeople, and strategists.

And miracle of miracles, it worked!

Perhaps it was the lingering effects of her years of living in a prescription pill-addled haze or maybe it's just what happens after decades of living with an Alzheimer's ravaged, almost-octogenarian who resorted to selling his own decrepit soul once sugarmama's well-stocked coiffers ran out, but suddenly it was as if Cindy forgot who she was. Almost like she was two different people, even!

Luckily, thanks to the clean, Mexican-free, parched desert air, Cindy McCain suddenly returned to her good senses and remembered (I know, I know ironic!) who she is, was, and will always be.

And it certainly isn't some equal-rights defending, truth and justice-seeking progressive gay and lesbian activist. Heavens forbid! What does she look like a freakin' sellout Democrat or something? Ha!

No, no, don't be silly! Clearly, the arugula-eating elitist creators of the NOH8 campaign completely misconstrued what she really meant to say:

"Our political and religious leaders tell LGBT youth that they have no future, which is like totally true! They can't serve our country openly, thanks to God and my adorable dementia-addled, spineless hubby J. Mac, who will always be President of my heart. He treats the gross, dirty Mexicans like second-class citizens, why shouldn't everyone, with the help of our perfect government & wonderful DADT, do the same with the LGBT community, always bullying people into accepting their deviant, hellbound, abominable, rainbow Pride floating, tight speedo sportin' ways?"

So thank you Cindy for teaching us all (suicidal gay youth included) a very valuable lesson: when someone, especially the abusive, cranky old balls hubby you bankroll pressures you, you should always cave and give in to hate, particularly if it's a matter of basic human equality.

Or gay kids jumping off bridges. Either one really.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall, Will You Help Me Grow Some Balls & Fulfill My Promise Of Equality For All?

Look you gays, err guys, the Obama administration like totally wants to abolish that terrible, shameful, discriminatory Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, 100% for sure without a doubt. They are like totes behind you on that one!

But, here's the thing. They are very particular when it comes to actually putting this horrible joke of a policy they are always telling us how much they hate to rest, and being the fuddyduddys that they are, can and will only bring an end to this intolerance in the nicest, most polite way possible, complete with a pretty pink ribbon to really tie the whole discrimination look together.

This is just how Barack rolls!

Because the important thing here isn't of course ending the disgraceful 17-year-old unconstitutional policy unfairly targeting a group of people simply because of their weird, deviant same-sexuality, but rather how it is ended. Am I right? Who's with me?

And this is why the Obama administration, being the civilized, refined ladies and gentleman that they are will not simply let DADT be overturned the fast and ballsy, down 'n dirty way, in the courts, because that is not nice and neat and pretty, and certainly not something befitting of such distinguished, upstanding pillars of the community.

The Justice Department is asking a federal appeals court to lift a moratorium on the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” by the end of today, once again arguing that the injunction jeopardizes an ongoing Pentagon review of how to end the ban on openly gay and lesbian service members. [...]

In court papers, the Justice Department said Phillips’s injunction “is at odds with basic principles of judicial restraint” because it blocks the Pentagon from enforcing the gay ban across the military and not just among members of the Log Cabin Republicans, the group that filed suit challenging the constitutionality of the law.

So just to get this straight (and we don't mean the good, military kind of straight), the Log Cabin REPUBLICANS are in favor of ending Don't Ask, Don't Tell now; the Obama administration is not. Hmmm, nothing weird here, no sir-ee!

The appeal for a stay of Phillips’s injunction is meant as a stop-gap while the Justice Department prepares to appeal the judge’s September ruling that “don’t ask” is unconstitutional. The government is appealing the law despite President Obama’s stated opposition to the 17-year gay ban. Obama has urged Congress to repeal the law through legislation.

"It happens every once in awhile at the federal level when the solicitor general, on behalf of the U.S., will confess error or decline to defend a law," said ex-George W. Bush administration solicitor general Ted Olson, who has renounced his formerly evil ways and is now leading the legal challenge of California's ban on same-sex marriage.

"I don't know what is going through the [Obama] administration's thought process on ‘don't ask, don't tell,'" Olson said. "It would be appropriate for them to say ‘the law has been deemed unconstitutional, we are not going to seek further review of that.'"

Yes, yes, civil rights, eventually. Justice for all, eh, maybe at some point. Awesome smart bombs dropped by gay soldiers, sure when the time is right. That is, when the whole world is ready to embrace their inner queer, join hands, and skip to my loo around the Pentagon, led by Carl Paladino in a rainbow colored speedo, riding atop his favorite Stallion from the hot girl-on-horse-flick he's always emailing, surrounded by all his ol' Buffalo boys from the gay nightclub he owned, flanked on both sides by the two hot chicks from his other favorite girl-on-girl lesbo porn, and of course the beautifully decorated "Teabaggers For Queers" float bringing up the rear.

But until then, I'm sorry gays and lezzies, it's too bad for you! You'll have to pardon their reluctance to rudely force equality and justice on those (bigots, fearmongers, black presidents?) unwilling to do it themselves.

Why, you ask??

Well, because they're a little gay. But not gay in the fluent in Arabic, bravely fighting side-by-side with your fellow soldiers defending your nation's freedom while secretly hiding who you are kind of way. Gay in the too scared and cowardly to do what's honorable and just, but instead letting this irrational, hypocritical fear of all things hopey-changey (including their own shadow!) triumph over the moral, right and good.

Because justice delayed isn't justice denied, it's justice deferred.

And what's more dignified than that? Certainly not cool missiles patriotically exploded or machine guns fired by bilingual fags instead of bipolar felons, at least until the Pentagon and Defense Dept. finishes trying on all its different outfits to figure out which camouflaged color combo is most flattering when blown to bits in the remote parched desert wilderness of the Afghan mountains!

"The whole point of the ongoing Pentagon study is how to repeal 'don't ask, don't tell'- as if we don't know how to do it," Aaron Belkin said, director of the Palm Center, a military think tank in California. "But look what happened last week? The military suspended it last week with no training and guess what? Nothing happened."

"You don't need to teach the troops how to interact with gays anymore than you need to train them how to deal with Jews," Belkin said. "People know how to behave with one another."

Of course they do, silly! But we're talking about gays, not people!

Besides, at least with Jews, we know what to expect: a weak-kneed, sniveling coward who may not squeeze a trigger, but won't hesitate to squeeze a buck or two out of any hapless schmuck unlucky enough to cross their path.

They gays, on the other hand, could be anyone and anywhere! You just never know what you're gonna get with that "kind." Except, most likely a college degree, highly specialized skills, good hygiene, and if all goes well & the Obama administration has their way, a dishonorable discharge and immediate dismissal from duty.

As nicely and politely as possible.

Because in America, at least when we discriminate, we do it with a wink, smile, and slap on the ol' behind (but not in a gross gay way or anything!).

It's called class.

Crazy, Racist Homophobic Tea Monster Carl Paladino Is Sorry For Offending Everyone With A Pulse, Even Freak Gays Or Weirdos Who Don't Enjoy Animal/Human Porn

Notorious New York hell monster Carl Paladino enjoys indulging in a few of life's simpler pleasures: sending mindblowingly offensive, racist emails about Barry NObama (lol, negro president!), hot girl-on-horse porno videos, beating up no-good, prying reporters askin' too many questions (maybe after he's governor, he'll answer your stinkin' questions!), and saying whatever terrible, vulgar, repulsive thing that happens to float into his slightly impaired, small, petty mind now.

Under normal circumstances, crazy ol' Carl would be able to say and do as many horrible things as his sweet li'l heart desires, without having to worry about apologizing to all those offended by his latest email forward of Obama with a bone through his nose eating watermelon or speech telling a bunch of Orthodox Jews how he thinks gross homosexuals are as bad as the terrible Muslims, minus the whole Pride Parade rubbing against each other in tight black speedos thing or whatever.

But now that he isn't just some dumb, queer bashing obnoxious New York schmuck nobody cares about, but the actual Republican gubernatorial candidate schmuck everybody loves to make fun of, Carl seems to be running into the problem of opening his big fat mouth when anyone is listening, let alone 20,000 cameras watching his every move. And when stupidity meets publicity, it is a recipe for disaster of epic Carl Paladino proportions.

An online news outlet in New York state has obtained dozens of emails, many of them racist and sexually graphic, which it reports were sent by Carl Paladino, the Tea-Party-backed Republican candidate for governor of New York, to a long list of political and business associates. One email shows a video of an African tribal dance, entitled “Obama Inauguration Rehearsal,” while another depicts hardcore bestiality.

Too bad it wasn't something more romantic like say softcore bestiality where the horse at least makes out with the woman before banging the bejesus out of her with his huge Paladino Palamino cock.

Because in Carl's bizarro, freaky world, some things are still sacred. Like sex with horses. This is a good and wholesome thing. Sex with people, on the other hand, is bad. Well, actually, sex with people is okay too, but only when it is one man plus one woman who is not your wife that you end up getting pregnant and then keeping the secret love child hidden for ten years. This too is a-okay!
What is not, however, as savory as sluts banging Shetlands, is of course sinful sodomites, particularly those with the disco balls big enough to flaunt their homosinuality up 'n down the once-pure, decent streets of New York City in some sort of terrible, twisted testosterone and testicle tranny parade, unfit for anyone's eyes, least of all, the innocent oculars of one distinguished gentleman, a certain Mr. Carl Paladino. Especially when talkin' to his good pals, them crazy Yids with the braids and the hats who hate fegalas, schvartze, and A-rabs too!

"I didn't march in the Gay Pride parade this year. My opponent did. There is nothing to be proud of in being a dysfunctional homosexual. That's not how God created us, and that's not the example that we should be showing our children - and certainly not in our schools," Paladino said.

"Young children should not be exposed to that at a young age. They don't understand, it's a very difficult thing," said Mr. Paladino. "And exposing them to homosexuality, especially at a gay pride parade - and I don't know if you have ever been to one, but they wear these little Speedos and they grind against each other and it's just a terrible thing."

A terrible, terrible thing I just can't, for the love of God, get out of my head for even one second. Not a single second goes by where I, Carl Paladino, am not obsessing over sweaty gay men laughing, thrusting, and gyrating on each other, muscles and genitalia bulging every which way, whispering Carl, Carl Carl...

Ayyyyyy fuggedaboutit! He's freakin' Carl Paladino, not some pussy faggot like yous freaks.

"I just think my children and your children would be much better off and much more successful getting married and raising a family, and I don't want them brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality is an equally valid and successful option - it isn't."

Soz, I went ahead and got me two families to prove my God-blessed heterosexuality!

But that's not alllllllll!

So long as their money's still green and credit card's plastic, Paladino over here is still more than happy to make a quick buck off the queer freaks as Buffalo's gay club kingpin and personal landlord to all bar-hopping boy-seeking-boy types! He's no bigoted homophobe!

New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino, who doesn't care for those Speedo-wearing gays and their gyrating, actually used to rent space to two gay nightclubs in Buffalo. His son even ran one, Cobalt, Buffalo's onetime "gay club of the moment."

Carl Paladino freakin' loves the gays, got it?

And all those awful anti-gays things he's been saying to Brooklyn Super Jews and former Hooters waitress on Fox News? Well, he didn't mean any of it, really.

Of course he didn't mean "gays were lesser human beings" because they're gross and God hates them or anything, but simply that homosexuality is not an "equally valid and successful option" because of all the discrimination gay people face, especially from vulgar Teabagger pricks desperate to pick up the racist/homophobe/beastiality vote.

He sensitizes with the sick freaks, hell even his own nephew is one of them speedo-wearing, hip grinding deviants, and you don't see Carl marching over to his house, trying to smack some heterosexual sense into the poor bastard!

I am Carl Paladino, a father, a husband, a builder and a business owner. I am neither perfect, nor a career politician. I have made mistakes in this campaign - I have made mistakes all my life- as we all have. I am what I am - a simple man who works hard, trusts others, and loves his family and fears for the future of our State...
My personal beliefs are:
1) I am a live and let live person.
2) I am 100% against discrimination of any group. I oppose discrimination of any kind in housing, credit, insurance benefits or visitation.
3) I am 100% against hate crimes in any form.
4) I am in support of civil agreements and equal rights for all citizens.
5) My position on marriage is based on my personal views. I have the same position on this issue as President Barrack Obama. I have previously stated I would support a referendum by New York voters. I have proposed Initiative and Referendum so New Yorkers can decide important issues like this.
6) The portrayal of me as anti-gay is inconsistent with my lifelong beliefs and actions and my prior history as an father, employer and friend to many in the gay and lesbian community.
I am concerned with the future for all our citizens, gay, straight, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish and Muslim and Agnostic. If elected as your governor I will stand and fight for all gay New Yorkers rights...Please go to my website www.paladinoforthepeople.com to learn more detail about the issues including my staunch support for civil rights for all New Yorkers.

Including the right to view all the horse-on-chick porn your puritan heart desires. So the moral of the story is this: Gays, meet your new best friend and fiercest defender Carl PaladinObama.

Countdown 'til Carl Paladino comes skipping out of the closet in a tight black speedo, stiletto heels, and hot pink boa singing RuPaul's "You Better Work" a cappella, snapping his fingers fiercely across his body and blowing air kisses every which way, 3...2...1...NOW!

Breaking News: White House Appeals Don't Ask, Don't Tell Because Who Needs Hope & Change When You Can Have Fear & Injustice Instead?

ANSWER: NONE OF THE ABOVE!

Gay soldiers don't die, silly, they simply deny!

This just in: President Obama is too pussy to end Don't Ask, Don't Tell, a policy he thinks is morally reprehensible, constitutionally illegal, and a mockery of justice and equality, but is simply too in love with to be able to quit anyway.

Ummm, hooray??

So, rejoice gays! Even, your supposed biggest defender, the President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama, hates your repulsive, gross gay guts.

So much so that he won't even let you spill yours all over the battlefield because of it!

The Obama administration took legal action Thursday to stop a judge’s order striking down the Pentagon’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy prohibiting gays from openly serving in the military — a politically awkward move that effectively continues the Justice Department’s fight to preserve a policy that President Barack Obama has said he wants to dismantle

In its injunction request, the DOJ writes, "As the President has stated previously, the Administration does not support the DADT statute as a matter of policy and strongly supports its repeal. However, the Department of Justice has long followed the practice of defending federal statutes as long as reasonable arguments can be made in support of their constitutionality, even if the Administration disagrees with a particular statute as a policy matter, as it does here."

All the while, White House Press Secretary and discriminatory policy procrastinator extraordinaire Robert Gibbs continued to insist that "don't ask, don't tell" is "going to end" -- it's just a matter of how.

Ooooh, hopefully in the most painfully slow, ass backwards, infuriatingly illogical manner possible. Multiplied by infinity.

So far, so good?

Nothing Spells Instant Relief From Cursed Gays & Wretched Women Like The Cool, Minty Flavor Of Sen. Jim DeMint

Angry, unstable, menthol-infused conservative wingnut Sen. Jim DeMint is quite disappointed, no make that terribly offended, that "no one" publicly came to his defense back in 2004, when he first expressed his wonderful, reasonable belief that hideous gay people and loose, unmarried sluts should be banned from teaching, even if "everyone" secretly whispered sweet nothings in his ear, urging him to continue his moral position (of being insane) when behind the safety of closed doors at the GOP's shared House for fallen congressional conservatives who got caught making sexytime with everyone but their own, long-suffering wifeys.

"[When I said those things,] no one came to my defense," he told the Spartanberg Herald-Journal. "But everyone would come to me and whisper that I shouldn't back down. They don't want government purging their rights and their freedom to religion."

Well, of course they did Mint! Because, if gross gays and dumb whores who have deviant sex outside of the sanctity of shotgun weddings in Vegas, weren't outright discriminated against and banned from teaching our highly impressionable children, that would be a terrible, bigoted attack on all Crazy Christians everywhere who know God despises homosexuality except when it is them secretly seducing underage congregants & altar boys with money and gifts, or hiring online male prostitutes to handle their heavy loads (of luggage, ya pervs!) during a 10-day European f**kation. This could not be clearer!

And fightin' minty Jim also knows his position (missionary only?) is not in the slightest bit discriminatory, morally reprehensible, fundamentally unconstitutional, or in any way totally batsh*t INSANE, because it is not just deviant, hell-bound homos he wants banned from classrooms, but loose, immoral harlots who prance around in come-hither, thigh-high f**k me boots, black leather jackets (Sarah Palin?), and offer their hoohas all to every Tom, Dick & Harry, without even demanding a 5 carat diamond ring first. Ugh, the depravity!

According to the Spartanberg Herald-Journal, "DeMint said if someone is openly homosexual, they shouldn't be teaching in the classroom and he holds the same position on an unmarried woman who's sleeping with her boyfriend -- she shouldn't be in the classroom."

DeMint did not apparently state his position on whether sexually active unmarried male teachers should be similarly removed from classrooms.

Do you even need to ask? Of course they shouldn't be, you fools!

We're talking strong, strapping young heterosexual chaps with a naturally hearty sexual appetite, sowing their God-given oats with every pretty ovary 'n breast possessing female in town, like Jesus said. Not some pansy queer or filthy whore spreading AIDS and sin all over the place, and then having the sheer audacity to stand in front of our children and teach them about the periodic elements with a mouth that moonlights as a homosexual (or otherwise) sperm depository. For shame!

But, it's not like ol' Jim DeMint's personal belief that wretched gays and single lady tramps are an abomination before the Lord who should be cast off with the rest of the sinners and sodomites in Guantanamo, is on his actual legislative agenda in the Senate. Not at all!

Because unlike miserable womens' rights, evil Socialist racial integration, and the rest of the indecent equality laws RAMMED down America's throat by radical liberal elites and activist Democratic judges, South Carolina's own Creme DeMint knows it is up to the local school boards, not the big, bad gubmint, to decide whether to discriminate against sinful sodomites and wayward sluts who refuse to stop their whoring ways and settle down, shut their mouths, and learn how to make apple pie and pot roast like normal, decent, God-fearing folk.

"Senator DeMint believes that hiring decisions at local schools are a local school board issue, not a federal issue," Spokesman Wesley M. Denton said. "He was making a point about how the media attacks people for holding a moral opinion."

Ah yes, the moral opinion that gays and unmarried harlots are immoral perverts who should certainly be tossed from the classroom, if not removed from existence completely, or better yet, burned at the stake while pitchfork wielding mobs of white men scream and throw pages of Scripture at them.

Ooooh, and I hear sexy Wiccan Christine O'Donnell is totally available to preside over the ceremonies, since she obviously won't be too busy dabbling with herself!

So remember people, when filthy fags and wayward women get you down, reach for the 100% natural, bigoted, satisfying down-home flavor of a true Southern specialty.

Because nothing washes away the gross, bitter aftertaste of homos and hos like the soothing, full-bodied, refreshingly minty wingnut taste of South Carolina's own Jim DeMint.

It's positively Delicious DeMented!

Yay! Republicans Heroically Vote To Keep Our Military Safe From Scary Ladies In Meat Dresses & Even Scarier Ga-Ga Gays!

OMG! Guess what little gay and lezzy monsters across America?? Your little "rights" struggles are over! Done, dunzo, finito, Ga-Ga-gonzo!

Oh, wait never mind, you're all still totally screwed, despite Lady Gaga donning a hotttt meat dress, and p-p-p-poking her face all around Maine, trying to convince the last two "moderate" (aka not completely insane) Senator ladies, Susan Collins and Olympia Snowe, not to be ignorant homophobic wretches, on the wrong side of equality everything, like the rest of their Grand Obstructionist Party of dinosaurs and elderly Klansmen. But they politely declined!

Ooops, guess crazy really is all the rage these days!

Not even Gaga's sexy steak dress was enough to convince the Bangor Sisters, Susan and Olympia, that indeed gays and lesbians should have as much right to senselessly die in a remote parched desert mountainside as the rest of decent, heterosexual America.

"Equality is the prime rib of America, but because I am gay, I don't get to enjoy the greatest cut of meat my country has to offer," Lady Gaga said, referring to the MTV Video Music Awards dress she wore last week made out of cuts of steak.

"Shouldn't everyone deserve to wear the same meat dress I do?" she said.

Yes, totally! Err, make that everyone who is not a gross gay person! They can have the scraps, or maybe the random discarded bits 'n parts that go into a hotdog. The gays like those, right? I would say lesbians too, but everyone knows dykes despise (man)meat, and much prefer Garden Burgers or Tofu instead. They should probably just go ahead and stick to that Kermit the Frog frock. It is much more their style, being green & vegetarian and all.

Oh yeah, and since when is Lady Gaga g-g-g-g-gay?? We were totally waiting for her to invent a new form of sexuality (steakuality? Bad Romancuality?) instead of declaring herself just another boring, ho-hum homo!

Sorry gays, maybe next year never?

But at least the rest of good, heteroperfect America can sleep soundly knowing that our nation's servicemen will not be secretly servicing one another (or at least not asking or telling anyone about it), for a few more months at the earliest! Phew!!

Thanks to the inability of Democrats to get the 60 votes needed to break a Republican filibuster and keep debate alive on a defense authorization bill — including a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" repeal and the DREAM Act, which would provide a path to citizenship for children of illegal immigrants via military service or higher education — the 17-year-old policy that legally bars gays and lesbians from being their fabulous selves while donning military fatigues and devoting their lives to protecting the very freedom they're denied, will continue indefinitely.

Woohoo! Who needs dumb equality anyway?? Certainly not this country! Not mighty, straight America: Land of the (sort of) free and home of the bravely discriminating against deviant queers for almost two decades. Hooray!

The Senate—leery of being steamrolled into a pre-election vote on abolishing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" before the Pentagon completes its study on the impact of its repeal—decided Tuesday against lifting the 17-year-old law. Senators voted 56-43, failing to get the 60 votes needed to end a Republican filibuster and allow an actual vote on ending the ban.

Republican senators, including Sens. John McCain (AZ) and Susan Collins (ME), argued that passing repeal now would undermine the Defense Department’s review of the policy, which won’t be completed until December.

Repeal supporters believe it will be years before another plausible effort can be mounted to allow openly gay men and women serve in the U.S. military.

Two Democratic senators from Arkansas (where the F else??), Mark Pryor and Blanche Lincoln, voted with Republicans to block the bill, likely because Blanche Lincoln wants her children to remember that she stood firmly against equality just before being soundly defeated in her final, desperate bid for re-election, against whatever even more repulsive, backwards, gay bashing bag of Earl Grey hijacked the GOP nomination now.

Go Blanche! You're an inspiration to all who abandon their principles, still get unceremoniously tossed out by mobs of racist white people, and end up as a big, fat, unemployed loser with nothing but a suspiciously dyke-y haircut to comfort you!

And of course, special kudos to ancient fossil and everyone's favorite bigoted, senile grandfather John McCain, whose tireless efforts to ensure the military is free of terrible gays, and instead filled with convicted felons, repeat offenders, and hotheaded airmen who skillfully crash their planes deep in enemy territory, only to get captured alive and wallow in a Vietnamese prison as a fool-proof(?) plan to get some real political power. By losing various presidential bids, along with his mind, integrity, soul, and tons o' Cindy's money along the way, for freedom!

Yes, the same John McCain who wanted to put FREAKIN' SARAH PALIN in the White House, is concerned that a gay man in uniform could harm the country. But a special needs moose as vice president? Ha ha, no worries! CUNTry first, my friends!

Sure, Gramps McCain might have lost the presidency of the United States, but now Johnny can take solace in the fact that he is still officially President of Keeping America Safe From Gay Troops, though judging by this latest blow (no pun intended), Obama may soon be taking that job, too!

So surely they will vote to pass this when that Pentagon review comes out and says gays should be allowed to serve openly in the military. Right??? Surely! John McCain especially. Someone might need to jog his memory a bit to give the old man a little reminder he already won the Senate election, so no need to morph into whatever racist homophobic nutjob he thinks will help him win in Aryanzona, just like last time.

"One can only draw the conclusion that this is all about elections, not about the welfare, the well-being, the morale and the battle effectiveness of the men and women who are laying it on the line in Iraq and Afghanistan today," McCain said.

Laying it on the line, not taking it from behind, got it all you fags 'n dykes out there, dying and/or translating Arabic before getting dishonorably discharged for not having the decency to the Republican kind of gay: in denial, undercover, or secretly trolling for hot man tail in airport men's rooms only.

Meanwhile, the wonderful straights of this country can take solace in knowing they are still, temporarily, allowed to have sex with one another and serve openly in the military, now that their god-blessed heterosexual marriage is totally less threatened by keeping courageous homos out of Army barracks and back in supply closets & storage containers where they belong.

So remember America: Be all you can be, except who you really are: a disgusting, eternally damned big ball of homosinuality who listens to Lady Gaga, when not destroying the moral fabric of society.

Or better yet why not just require all the gross gays to enlist, ship the whole sick lot of 'em off to Iraq and Afghanistan, so America can once again be the strong, strapping, fiercely hetero nation it strives to be, where a person will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character their partner's genitalia.

Because, here in America, when putting your life on the line to serve your country, the only thing that really matters is that you shoot are straight!

Ga-Ga-got it?

Americans (Reluctantly) Decide Gays Can Be Families Too...Even If They're Probably Going To Burn In Eternal Hell

Congratulations, nation! A new poll finds that a majority of Americans now think same-sex couples with children and married gays without kids (or the blessings of the Lord?) should count as "a family."

Not everyone, though! Not everyone is convinced that a committed relationship between two men or two women (gasp!) is as God-blessed, pure, and equal as say, Brittney and K-Fed's (or any other backup dancer/bodyguard who impregnated her along the way) sacred shotgun wedding in Vegas. Or even any of Newt Gingrich's three blissful unions following adulterous affairs and the very honorable abandoning of whichever ol' wifey is laid up in a hospital bed recovering from cancer now.

So, still got a ways to go. But still! Sometimes counting as a family is a big step up from being moral fabric-destroying hedonists who eat children for breakfast not rear them as their own, and whose deviant lifestyles cause Hurricanes to hit New Orleans and commercial airliners to smash into New York City, because God is not some hippie-dippie arugula-eating liberal with the crazy idea that providing a loving and stable home is more important than having the proper penis-vagina ratios. Sickos!

Of course, gay or straight, you're not a real family unless you have at least one li'l precious miracle of God to show for. These are the rules of American domesticity!

So let's remember:

Gays and straights with at least one kid = Family.
Gays and straights with no kids = A Couple (albeit an inferior & gross, or suspiciously heartless one, respectively).

Invite a friend to comment

“This is not because more people are gay now than in 2003,” says Brian Powell, a sociology professor at Indiana University, and lead author of the study. “This indicates a more open social environment in which individuals now feel more comfortable discussing and acknowledging sexuality. Ironically with all the antigay initiatives, all of a sudden people were saying the word ‘gay’ out loud. Just the discussion about it made people more comfortable.”

Ooooh, hopefully just comfortable enough to muster up the courage to go out and vote against the terrible gays (and lezzies!) for making them decidedly uncomfortable in their quest to destroy American society as we know it, and ruin the sanctity of quickie weddings by an Elvis impersonator in a run-down Casino-Chapel off the Vegas strip.

According to Prof. Stephanie Coontz of the Council on Contemporary Families, “Americans seem to be open to seeing same-sex couples with children as families, even while they hesitate to recognize their unions as marriage."

I mean let's not get crazy here! It is only 2010...

So, umm, go gays!? You've finally made it into America's definition of family, along with creepy uncles, know-it-all, homely aunts, drunk mothers, and absent fathers! Hooray!

Even if you're still considered less part of the family than Champ & Whiskers, the resident dog and cat.

David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute for American Values, said he was not surprised by the findings.

“I like the standard definition of family: two or more persons related by blood, marriage or adoption. Keeps it simple and coherent.”

But, he added: “We live in groups, and we need each other. So it’s always a good thing, isn’t it, when any of us truly loves and is loved by another.”

Eh, only if Jesus, the elderly, the bigoted gun nut next door, and all the closeted homosexual Republicans secretly trolling for hot man tail while voting against them terrible queers, say so!

Breaking News: California Strikes Down Gay Marriage Ban, But Still No Gay Fist Pump From Barry!

OMG, breaking news America! California has officially gone gay...again! But this time maybe for reals even...Like by law for reals!

In one fell stroke of the gavel and 136 pages of dead trees, Chief U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker ruled that California is now a tolerant state, dem crazy Mormons will have to go back to cock blocking salty states with no sex life, and sodomy and sin shall once again reign supreme across the Golden State. Yay!

“Proposition 8 fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license. Indeed, the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California Constitution the notion that opposite-sex couples are superior to same-sex couples.”

Ummm, duh! I mean any dumb kid on the street could tell you gays are weird and gross. And it has nothing to do with rational thought either, silly! It's called the ick factor (which Mike Huckabee would be more than happy to explain). Besides, everyone knows a real, beautiful heterosexual marriage consists of the miserable union between one man and one woman, not the slightly less miserable union of one man and one man, or one woman and one woman, plus the sinister, Godless destruction of morality.

Everyone except Judge Vaughn Walker, I guess:

“Because Proposition 8 disadvantages gays and lesbians without any rational justification, Proposition 8 violates the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment.”

Oooooh, and to think you were thisclose, Mormons, thisclose from ensuring every last flannel-clad lezzie and Streisand-singing fag in the state o' Californication is banned from the altar unless they curb their wicked ways and take the pure Church of Latter Day Saints (and latent homosexuality) path of boring straight missionary sex directly to righteousness and sexual frustration.

Either way, appeals are expected have already been filed, and should be just as fun as every other time gays are granted rights before the crazy wingnut right starts wailing about Jesus, Sodom & Gomorrah, God's wrath, and moral fiber, and voila! gays are once again demoted to second-class citizens, like God intended. Hooray!

Naturally, President Obama, like the rest of us sinners and hedonists in America, was thrilled and overjoyed to hear that Proposition 8 was overturned, arugula-eating elitist liberal activist judges or not.

Of course, this does not mean Obama supports actual gross, terrible gay marriage, heavens forbid! No, no, he simply supports "equality for gay and lesbian couples, and benefits and other issues, and that has been effectuated in federal agencies under his control," as White House spokesman David Axelrod so eloquently explained.

Ooooh, I get it, now!

So Obama loooooves gay people so much he wants to give them all the rights and privileges as everyone else, except that one tiny little one that includes big fat diamonds (the size of which dependent on how much you're in love), walking down the aisle (no, not a congressional one), saying some mushy words, sharing a kiss, and then getting raging drunk and dancing the night and your life savings away in blurry, holy matrimony. This apparently is not part of the whole equality thing in Obama's mind.

Here's the thing. People who care about gay rights would like the President to condone the fall of civilization and support gay marriage. People who hate dem queers and gay rights would like Obama to be shipped back to his native Kenya, preferably on the flaming wings of all the flamboyant queers currently destroying America with their fashion sense and good hygiene.

Obama simply would like to serve a second term and thus tries to get gay-and-normal-married to both the anti-gay and pro-gay sides, and ends up sleeping with no one, horny and alone, as a result.

Obama thought Proposition 8 was bad because it was “divisive and mean spirited,” so apparently it is wrong to deny gay people the right to (gay)marry, but it is also wrong to give gay people the right to (gay)marry.

Huh?

Let's see if I've got this straight (and I don't mean the good sexuality!):

"The president does oppose same-sex marriage but he supports equality for gay and lesbian couples."

Oh, you mean kinda like how the Teabaggers aren't terrible racists who hate black people or anything, they just don't want them running their country or marrying their sisters.

Ummmm, sorry Mr. President, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. 49th birthday or not, God damn it!

But on the bright side, now all of those tea birther klansmen (in his base) are totally going to vote for him in 2012, instead of plot his assassination/dismembering in front of a (gay) book burning bonfire.

A plan so mind-blowingly brilliant, no one can even wrap their heads around it.

Least of all his voters.

Is the Teabagger's Favorite Tenth Amendment Turning The United Straights Of America Into The United States Of Gaymerica?

The Jesus Christ moral patrol on the right and assorted other Earthly messengers of God are always prattling on and on about how wicked gays are sashaying across America trying to gay marry and gay soldier, and basically spread their gross gayness on decent, upstanding straights from San Francisco to Soho.

This aggression cannot stand!

Before we know it, sacred altars will be flooded with deviant tuxedo-clad queers, Army bunkers will be overrun with camouflaged-clad homosexuals singing Streissand in the shower, and Civilization as we know it will come to a sinful, screeching halt. If you think Glenn Beck weeping Vick's VapoRub tears is insufferable, just wait 'til you're forced to watch Glennda Beck crying "its" baby blue eyes out on the teevee every night!

It's true! I mean just look at terrible Massachusetts where, with one stroke of his gay-lovin' gavel, some rainbow-tinged Commie judge, Joseph L. Tauro, ruled that the federal Defense of Marriage law prohibiting Adam and Steve from tying the knot (to eternal hellfire?) violates the Constitutional rights of married same-sex couples to equal protection of the law, and reverses the big, bad government’s long history of allowing states to set their own marriage laws.

Err, sort of.

Tauro's decision doesn't actually force Real Heterosexual American States to recognize the ungodly sodomarriages contracted in the five or so gay hell states (phew!), but what it does do is rule that the federal government cannot discriminate between legally contracted straight and gay marriages, because according to the Teabaggers favoritest Tenth Amendment, only state governments get to decide what a legitimate marriage is.

Meaning gays married in the states that condone their awful gay marriedness can go ahead and file joint tax returns, receive Social Security and Medicare benefits for their same-sex spouses, and do all those other horrible, culture-destroying perversions on the wicked gay agenda.

Wonder how the 'baggers like them Tenth Amendment apples now?

But don't get too excited with your "blessed" state-sanctioned marriage-y thing, gays! Because the decision will almost certainly be appealed, likely when some closet case hiding under one of those "sanctity of marriage" groups starts wailing about moral fabric and/or the imminent collapse of society courtesy of activist liberal judges doling out marriage certificates to couples with the wrong penis-vagina ratios. In which case, it will then go all the way to the Supreme Court, where it will be inevitably overturned in a decision written by Antonin Scalia or Clarence Thomas (if he could write), while Samuel Alito and Chief Justice Roberts giggle in the background, poking each other, and arguing over who is the bigger "faggot." (Let's just call it a tie?)

But even if our Supreme Leaders decide that both God and our founding fathers (wait, you mean they're not the same thing??) never intended for marriage to be anything but the miserable union and sacred (soon-to-broken) vow of faith & fidelity between one man, one woman, and one Elvis impersonator/accredited minister in Las Vegas, there's still the other pressing issue of what to do with those pesky guys just dying to defend their country and the very freedoms not extended to their wretched kind, in the remote deserts of Iraq, Afghanistan, or whatever oil rich A-rab country the U.S. of A is currently dropping freedom on via bullets and smart bombs.

So, while the whole world awaits the results of the Pentagon's Don't Ask, Don't Tell questionnaire to assure the entire military doesn't collapse all because Sergeant Smith prefers his sexytime with Corporal Johnson, the gays appear poised to spring from military closets and barrack floorboards to spread their gross gay germs all over the pristine, pure American Armed Forces.

But first they must ask some 400,000 troops obnoxious middle school questions like how they would react if they had to shower or share a tent with a weirdo gay person (if we can even call them that).

Just to make sure they don't melt from all the hot, steamy gayness going on, or go insane, or God forbid, maybe even go gay themselves (gasp!).

*Click for Larger

There are tons more questions about how serving with an icky gay might (definitely!) negatively impact the lives of good, decent, upstanding straight-as-an-arrow servicemen who are simply trying their very hardest to spread freedom while making sure that freedom doesn't extend to spreading their own two legs so their burly bunkmate Jim can have his merry way with them.

Which is ridiculous because there is more than enough cootie spray ready and available to go around, should Don't Ask Don't Tell be repealed, and every gay and lesbian solider immediately starts raping the nearest same-sex being in brown and green fatigues, as is likely the case with these sex-crazed deviants.

That is, if there were actual gay people already serving in the Armed Forces, which everyone knows is currently 100 percent homo-free, just like the good Lord intended when writing about that whole freedom to have a well-regulated militia thing back in 1776.

But on the bright side, if the Pentagon decides there is no room for well-dressed men who like Broadway musicals, bright fuchsia gingham button downs, and buff, broad-shouldered brutes, I hear George Rekers is always looking to hire a few good men who know a thing or two about handling large, heavy loads...of luggage.

No questions asked.