Nothing Spells Instant Relief From Cursed Gays & Wretched Women Like The Cool, Minty Flavor Of Sen. Jim DeMint

Angry, unstable, menthol-infused conservative wingnut Sen. Jim DeMint is quite disappointed, no make that terribly offended, that "no one" publicly came to his defense back in 2004, when he first expressed his wonderful, reasonable belief that hideous gay people and loose, unmarried sluts should be banned from teaching, even if "everyone" secretly whispered sweet nothings in his ear, urging him to continue his moral position (of being insane) when behind the safety of closed doors at the GOP's shared House for fallen congressional conservatives who got caught making sexytime with everyone but their own, long-suffering wifeys.

"[When I said those things,] no one came to my defense," he told the Spartanberg Herald-Journal. "But everyone would come to me and whisper that I shouldn't back down. They don't want government purging their rights and their freedom to religion."

Well, of course they did Mint! Because, if gross gays and dumb whores who have deviant sex outside of the sanctity of shotgun weddings in Vegas, weren't outright discriminated against and banned from teaching our highly impressionable children, that would be a terrible, bigoted attack on all Crazy Christians everywhere who know God despises homosexuality except when it is them secretly seducing underage congregants & altar boys with money and gifts, or hiring online male prostitutes to handle their heavy loads (of luggage, ya pervs!) during a 10-day European f**kation. This could not be clearer!

And fightin' minty Jim also knows his position (missionary only?) is not in the slightest bit discriminatory, morally reprehensible, fundamentally unconstitutional, or in any way totally batsh*t INSANE, because it is not just deviant, hell-bound homos he wants banned from classrooms, but loose, immoral harlots who prance around in come-hither, thigh-high f**k me boots, black leather jackets (Sarah Palin?), and offer their hoohas all to every Tom, Dick & Harry, without even demanding a 5 carat diamond ring first. Ugh, the depravity!

According to the Spartanberg Herald-Journal, "DeMint said if someone is openly homosexual, they shouldn't be teaching in the classroom and he holds the same position on an unmarried woman who's sleeping with her boyfriend -- she shouldn't be in the classroom."

DeMint did not apparently state his position on whether sexually active unmarried male teachers should be similarly removed from classrooms.

Do you even need to ask? Of course they shouldn't be, you fools!

We're talking strong, strapping young heterosexual chaps with a naturally hearty sexual appetite, sowing their God-given oats with every pretty ovary 'n breast possessing female in town, like Jesus said. Not some pansy queer or filthy whore spreading AIDS and sin all over the place, and then having the sheer audacity to stand in front of our children and teach them about the periodic elements with a mouth that moonlights as a homosexual (or otherwise) sperm depository. For shame!

But, it's not like ol' Jim DeMint's personal belief that wretched gays and single lady tramps are an abomination before the Lord who should be cast off with the rest of the sinners and sodomites in Guantanamo, is on his actual legislative agenda in the Senate. Not at all!

Because unlike miserable womens' rights, evil Socialist racial integration, and the rest of the indecent equality laws RAMMED down America's throat by radical liberal elites and activist Democratic judges, South Carolina's own Creme DeMint knows it is up to the local school boards, not the big, bad gubmint, to decide whether to discriminate against sinful sodomites and wayward sluts who refuse to stop their whoring ways and settle down, shut their mouths, and learn how to make apple pie and pot roast like normal, decent, God-fearing folk.

"Senator DeMint believes that hiring decisions at local schools are a local school board issue, not a federal issue," Spokesman Wesley M. Denton said. "He was making a point about how the media attacks people for holding a moral opinion."

Ah yes, the moral opinion that gays and unmarried harlots are immoral perverts who should certainly be tossed from the classroom, if not removed from existence completely, or better yet, burned at the stake while pitchfork wielding mobs of white men scream and throw pages of Scripture at them.

Ooooh, and I hear sexy Wiccan Christine O'Donnell is totally available to preside over the ceremonies, since she obviously won't be too busy dabbling with herself!

So remember people, when filthy fags and wayward women get you down, reach for the 100% natural, bigoted, satisfying down-home flavor of a true Southern specialty.

Because nothing washes away the gross, bitter aftertaste of homos and hos like the soothing, full-bodied, refreshingly minty wingnut taste of South Carolina's own Jim DeMint.

It's positively Delicious DeMented!

Why Won't Dems Just Pretend Health Care is Nintendo and Press the Reset Button?

OMG, why didn't we think of this sooner? The Republicans' ingenious new strategy is so brilliant in its sheer simplicity that it only needs two letters to sum it up entirely: N-O.

It's true! Much like their old approach of lies, obstruction, and manipulation, the new, improved GOP message has evolved and refined itself over time to strike the perfect balance between tradition and progress.

No longer limited to the usual boring yet straightforward "NO," the GOP's new plan includes such diverse reactions as "Nay," "No way," "No freakin' chance," "Hell no," "Not a chance in hell," and the always encouraging, "Not over my dead body."

You see, the GOP cares deeply about the American people and nothing would make them happier than passing a comprehensive health care reform bill to help average folks get access to quality, affordable insurance. In fact, in terms of sheer desirability level, it's right up there with passing kidney stones. A real hoot!

Which is why trustworthy, hardworking GOP heavy hitters like John McCain, Mitch McConnell, and Jim DeMint are hitting up the talk show circuit to explain to the American people, the wise sensibility and unparalleled brilliance behind their freshly revamped "Just Say No" campaign.

Now that they've won 41% of the seats in the Senate, thanks to that big-hearted liberal nuisance Teddy Kennedy being replaced by a much younger, hunkier, albeit less caring, Cosmo model by the name of Scott Brown, the Republicans know the time for real action has come.

It's time for Democrats to kill the health care reform bill and start over (from scratch!) because why wouldn't they waste all the time and effort they've already spent to please a party that won't be satisfied until health care is as dead as the poor, sick Americans whose lives depended on it.

Of course, if Democrats would just agree to "start over," the Republicans would be more than willing to support the health care reform they've spent the last six months mercilessly destroying because they care about average Americans as much as the next guy. They do!

If only the meany Democrats would try a little harder to include these very delicate Republicans in the process, they wouldn't be forced to derail the whole thing in the hopes that thousands and thousands more preventable American deaths (caused by their inaction), maybe just maybe the big break they've been waiting for to finally give Barry the ol' heave-ho back to the Kenyan countryside where he belongs.

But nooooo! The Democrats have no interest in turning the clocks back six months, putting partisan politics aside and starting afresh, with the slate wiped clean. They simply don't care about helping people who are not white and rich. Sorry.

Then, the Democrats can come to the table ready to tackle an insurance industry that's been fleecing the public for years and the Republicans can come to the table ready to tackle the Democrats and whatever Socialist devil plan they have up their sleeves to provide the public with actual health insurance that won't kill or bankrupt them.

It shall be the greatest defeat since Napoleon's infamous 1815 last stand at Watergate or was it Loo? Mwahahahahahaha!!

But if the Dems agree to press the reset button and "start over" on health care, the Republicans must also promise to do the same for George W. Bush and his brilliant eight year reign of peace and prosperity over America.

Let's see, just give us back New Orleans, the Ozone layer, our rights, our jobs, the economy, the housing market, the Constitution, both Twin Towers, the trillions of dollars wasted on fruitless wars to NOT capture bin Laden, the 5,346 U.S. soldiers who lost their lives fighting in the desert wastelands of Iraq and Afghanistan, and then maybe just maybe we'll consider it even.

Deal?

Rage, Racism, And Republicans: A Teabaggers' Delight!

The usual right-wing parade of gun nuts, racists, white supremacists, Jesus freaks, Ayn Rand die-hards, and big government paranoids marched on Capitol Hill Saturday to protest the President's evil health care reform plan to kill grandma and baby Trig, the government's out-of-control spending, and all else that comes with having an illegal Kenyan Socialist Muslim as President of America.

Alternately singing "God Bless America" with chants of "Heil Hitler," tens of thousands of protesters took to the streets of Washington to fight back against the Führer Obama, Nazi Pelosi, and the rest of the fascist, big-government scum ruining the nation.

Armed with the usual tasteful mix of Confederate flags, "Bury Obamacare with Kennedy" posters, and enough colonial costumes to make anyone feel proud, the good citizens of this country proved to the rest of the world just how nutty some folks really are.

Of course not every protester at the big September 11th Teabagger Festival on September 12 focused on Herr Obama and his socialist policies bankrupting America; some directed their ire at the illegal immigrants leeching onto the country, the horror of their sacred semi-automatic machine guns being taken away, and this outrageous unAmerican plan to spend taxpayer money on something other than bombing oil-rich countries in the Middle East.

While most lawmakers decided to steer clear of the fun-filled rage parade, some brave souls like South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint decided to hinge their political futures on the notion that such important American ideals as unchecked aggression, bigoted rage, and sheer, unadulterated ignorance, are shared by the vast majority of citizens.

"This is not some kind of radical right-wing group," Sen. Jim DeMint said. "I just hope the Congress, the Senate, and the president recognize that people are afraid of what's going on."

I assure you Mr. DeMint. We're pretty much freaking the f**k out!

Who Let Grandma Out Of The House Again?

Emperor Obama's Health Care Complex

Remember that ever-cool President Barack Obama with his big words and booming voice who's going to fix all the problems of the world if those defeatist Republicans would stop bummer-boning all his good ideas for achieving real progress in this country?

"This isn't about me. This isn't about politics. This is about a health care system that is breaking America's families, breaking America's businesses, and breaking America's economy," Obama said.

"There are some in this town who are content to perpetuate the status quo, are in fact fighting reform on behalf of powerful special interests. There are others who recognize the problem, but believe--or perhaps, hope--that we can put off the hard work of insurance reform for another day, another year, another decade."

You see Big Dog Barry has had it up to here with the "politics of delay and defeat," and he's determined to show all those naysayers who the real boss is: A 6' 2" half-black man of the century who is the antithesis of Napoleon.

Which doesn't bode well for Sen. Jim DeMint, who summed up the Republicans' brilliant strategy of praying Obama's fate echoes that of a certain early 19th century, vertically challenged French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte whose overreaching ambitions turned out to be his downfall, during a conference call with "tea party" participants.

"If we’re able to stop Obama on this, it will be his Waterloo. It will break him."

Effeminate, southern gentleman Sen. Lindsey Graham is also hedging his bets that Emperor Obama will fail in his effort to convince Americans of the need for healthcare reform because it "runs contrary to traditionally American values."

"Basically I think he'll fail, because he's trying to convince America to be something other than America," Graham said. "I don't think he's going to be successful, because Americans really do not feel comfortable turning over healthcare to the government."

Yes, they feel much more comfortable not being able to pay for any treatment at all. Anything's better than this god-awful government of this country that we love taking over yet another perfectly functioning industry. Even death...or malpractice.