Second Is The Best! Latest, Greatest Legal Mind Cites Tea Party In Saving America From The Socialist Tyranny Of Affordable Health Care

Rejoice obese, saturated fat-clogged 'mericans ridin' around on socialized Medicare scooters, waving red, white, and blue flags for the freedom to patriotically die and/or go bankrupt trying to pay for li'l Johnny's bone marrow transplants.

Victory is yours! Errr, kind of.

Thanks to the latest, greatest, most likely racist old white judge in the confederacy land Roger Vinson's decision to toss his caffeinated bag into the proverbial scalding hot pot and toss Comrade Barry's socialist death panels out with one fell swoop of his glistening, now gubmint-free gavel.

Just the sort of thing that gives legendary ancient human/turtle hybrid, and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, the false hope (or is it courage?) that, contrary to conventional wisdom, 47 votes is actually equal to 60, and thus enough to repeal President Obama's no-good health care reform to help poor people and young kids not needlessly die so insurance companies can get even more filthy rich, by a final tally of 51 decent human beings (aka Democrats) to 47 heartless bastards (better known as Republicans).

Hooray!

Naturally, nobody in their right mind expected this blustery bit of faux-outraged Republican-led repeal hysteria to actually pass into law or anything. Ha ha, as if! These are Republicans remember? Their entire existence consists of proposing terrible, dead-end legislation no one wants, with no realistic chance of ever passing, so long as it remains true to their #1 stated objective: doing the exact opposite of what Obama says or wants, regardless of what that is, in the desperate hopes it will wipe the insufferable smirk off his hideously charming, dangerously electable face.

What do you want them to do? Spend precious time and effort creating actual jobs for the American people? Hahaha, those lazy bums? Eww, gross. Heaven forbid!

Tell 'em to try lifting themselves up by their own damn bootstraps for a change instead of waiting for someone who maybe gives a shit about them (psst: certainly not a Republican!) to do something about it. Or they could always just pray to Jesus and Jesus' li'l bro Ronny Reagan to please maybe start trickling down some good fortune upon them from high above.

Sure, nothing compares to the first exhilarating time some wingnut federal judge in Virginia declared health care reform unconstitutional, but it's still enough to make you feel all tingly and warm inside, right?

Not to mention, while that wimpy Virginia judge only stuck down part of President Obama's signature health care legislation, the newest, bright shining legal mind to emerge from the murky blend of caffeinated herbs and ignorance, Judge Roger Vinson of Federal District Court in Pensacola, Florida, went the Full Monty, declaring the entire bill unconstitutional and thus void in these United States of No Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act-merica.

“Because the individual mandate is unconstitutional and not severable, the entire Act must be declared void.”

Yay! This judge wins at denying people access to health care until the new greatest legal mind ever to grace Fox News is born on this dear planet.

At a time when there is virtually unanimous agreement that health care reform is needed in this country, it is hard to invalidate and strike down a statute titled “The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.”

But, alas, in the end, he had to. And now he's famous, biatches!

Let freedom ring, even if it does sound suspiciously like a suffering child's untreated whooping cough.

Nothing a good old-fashioned pipin' hot mug o' tea couldn't solve!

The Only Thing The GOP's Newest, Craziest Idea Repealing The 14th Amendment Accomplishes Is Making Life Even More Awkward For John McCain

"You know, look, I know it's babies we're talking about and it's hard to be tough on babies but let's remember we're talking about illegal aliens coming to this country for the purpose of birthing a child, not because they love the kid, cause they want that child to provide them the benefits of U.S. citizenship."—Attorney Wendy Murphy arguing to repeal the 14th amendment on Fox News (where else?)

When you have to start your sentence with the words "You know, look, I know it's babies we're talking about and it's hard to be tough on babies," perhaps that's a point you shouldn't be making.

I don't know, call me old fashioned, but any way you slice it, hating on babies just doesn't seem to be a very tasteful, not to mention, winning strategy.

Oooooh, sounds like Republicans just found themselves the perfect new rallying cry to fire up the base and boot that no good Barry fellow out of the White House and back into the harsh Kenyan wilderness where he belongs. This time, in the form of wretched diaper-wearing ne'r-do-wells looking for a free lunch, bottle of formula, lactating nipple, or whatever the case may be, by committing the unforgivable crime of being born within the nation's beautiful borders (Alaska included!), or at the very least, one of its lesser "territories" like Guam or "American" Samoa. The sweetly, conservative-named "anchor babies."

No, no, we're not talking about the adorable new cartoon infants to join Dora the Explorer on her maritime adventures, but something far far more sinister: pregnant women desperately climbing barbed-wire border fences (and dodging armed gangs of trigger-happy white supremacists) all for the chance to drop a tiny brown automatic U.S. citizen out of their gross foreigner wombs onto once-pure, now-sullied American soil.

Such 142-year-old aggression simply cannot stand!

Because in these terrifying times when anyone including a half-black man (from Kenya!) with nothing but a Hawaiian certificate of live birth to show for, can waltz into the oval office as President of America, something must be done to save the nation from descending into total multicolored chaos, at the hands, err make that wombs, of all these unwelcome invaders from Africa and their equally sinister Latin counterparts.

Good thing there are still a few brave (white) souls left in this mongol-overrun cesspool of muddled brown and black hues to stand up and say, "enough of this 142-year-old constitutional madness, and century-old Fourteenth Amendment oppression giving the children of illegal immigrants a right to U.S. citizenship," a blight that's been destroying the very fabric of this great nation since the dumb liberal, immigrant-lovin' bastards in the McKinley administration.

Proud patriots like Senate Minority Leader and human-turtle hybrid Mitch McConnell who has decided to join the rest of the brilliant visionaries in his party in their spectacular new idea to change the Constitution and repeal the part of the 14th Amendment that grants children born in the United States citizenship.

“I haven’t made a final decision about it, but that’s something that we clearly need to look at. Regardless of how you feel about the various aspects of immigration reform, I don’t think anybody thinks that’s something they’re comfortable with,”  McConnell explained, before retreating into his protective shell, safe from terrible drooling intruders, where he feels comfortable.

Of course, one could argue that all the Americans born here, whose parents are immigrants, are already comfortable with the law, but that's assuming immigrants are actual people, which everyone knows is just absurd!

What is not absurd, however, is the notion that nothing screams red-blooded conservatism like concocting new and creative ways to kick more brown people out of the country via changing hundred year old constitutionally enshrined laws. Yay!

“People come here to have babies. They come here to drop a child,” Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) said on Fox News. “That shouldn’t be the case. That attracts people here for all the wrong reasons.” 

Ugh, ya know, wrong reasons like providing a better life for their li'l bundles of Al-Qaeda disciples-to-be, escaping persecution in their native country, and all the rest of the silly, senseless, rash reasons why grown men and women decide to upheave the only life they've ever known, leave livelihoods and loved ones behind to make the uncharted, often perilous journey across thousands of miles of ocean and land. All to settle in a scary, unknown place where they don't speak the language, have no means of support, and are often subject to the wanton discrimination and cruelty that comes from those lucky enough to have their grandparents, great grandparents, and other ancestors blaze the trail for them.

As opposed to the right reasons like say Republican senators from crazy wingnut states like South Carolina desperately trying to prove they're not turning into some gay liberal because they voted to confirm lesbo softball playing socialists to the Supreme Court, and don't shriek "cooties!" every time a Democrat comes near them in the congressional cafeteria by going after that highly dangerous, all powerful Huggies-and-Pampers crowd, disingenuously forcing their way out of uteri all to take advantage of good, hard-working, real 'merican babies, whose parents had the decency to be born here instead of some stupid, remote village in China, in the first place.

At least some Republicans understand that without the 14th amendment, Chinese people couldn’t be citizens, because, come on, Chinese people!? The last thing this country needs is more math-and-science-savvy Asians running around, inverting their T's and R's, building railroads, inventing things, and contributing to America instead of Mother China for the last century and a half.

Almost as amazing as watching Republicans try to out-crazy each other with terrible, untenable ideas, aimed at those most disadvantaged and unable to defend themselves, is the comical lengths some Republicans, such as certain former Prisoners of War turned current Prisoners of Wingnuts, are willing to go to try not to have to support this crazy idea, during an otherwise ho-hum morning press conference.

“We’re talking about the stimulus right now,” John McCain said, before darting off to the elevators down the hall from the Senate studio, where he again declined to take a question. Reporters eventually caught up with McCain in the basement of the Capitol, where he was walking toward to the man-operated train connecting the Senate with the Russell office building.

TPMDC asked, “Do you support the Minority Leader’s push for hearings into the repeal of birthright citizenship?”

“Sure, why not?” McCain said briefly.

“Do you support the idea itself?”

“I support the idea of having hearings,” McCain said.

“Do you have a problem with the 14th amendment?” another reporter asked.

“You’re changing the constitution of the United States,” McCain said. “I support the concept of holding hearings.”

“I support the concept of holding hearings,” McCain repeated, turning to the rail car conductor.

“Let’s go!” he snapped. "I don't have anything to add to that."

Now, typically there is something both hilariously funny and tragically sad about witnessing a withered old man shed every last fiber of his integrity en route to becoming a soulless, brain-dead puppet of the right, dancing (err, at least attempting) slowly around an issue as clear-cut and obvious as taking away the constitutional rights of the toothless, under-1 crowd who use pacifiers and diapers, need constant 24-hour care and coddling, and can't even do anything for themselves.

Be careful now, Johnny, after all, the only thing separating a nursery from a nursing home are three measly letters.

And judging by your Grand Old Party's logic, you're one pacifier away from deportation yourself.

Hasta la vista, baby!

Teabaggers Prove They're Not Racist (& Love Coloreds!) By Firing One Totally Racist Guy Who Used To Be Their Spokesman

When you're a Teabagger, that is, a member of the elite group that shares its moniker with the incredibly sexy act of dipping testicles into open, gaping mouths or slapping them atop the head, cheek or anywhere else balls can be swung, who thinks dressing up like Benjamin Franklin and hollerin' 'bout black Socialist prezinents stealing all their hard-earned money proves they love America the most, the universe fits perfectly into tidy compartments, and everything in life is pretty much black and white.

Things are sooooooo much easier that way! 'Cause then you can like tweak everything to make anything look better or worse depending on the situation, or whatever version of history feels "right" at that moment. Seriously, you should try it sometime, works wonders!

Like when you, Mark Williams, the official spokesman for the Tea Party Express explain how not racist your organization is, after the NAACP calls some (or all) in your group racist, by writing a fictional letter to Abraham Lincoln pretending, just for good cheer, to be one of those dumb, recently freed coloreds, thanking Abe for freedom 'n shit.

Dear Mr. Lincoln,

We Colored People have taken a vote and decided that we don't cotton to that whole emancipation thing. Freedom means having to work for real, think for ourselves, and take consequences along with the rewards. That is just far too much to ask of us Colored People and we demand that it stop!

The tea party position to "end the bailouts" for example is just silly. Bailouts are just big money welfare and isn't that what we want all Coloreds to strive for? What kind of racist would want to end big money welfare? What they need to do is start handing the bail outs directly to us coloreds!

And the ridiculous idea of "reduce[ing] the size and intrusiveness of government." What kind of massa would ever not want to control my life? As Coloreds we must have somebody care for us otherwise we would be on our own, have to think for ourselves and make decisions!

The racist tea parties also demand that the government "stop the out of control spending." Again, they directly target Colored People. That means we Colored People would have to compete for jobs like everybody else and that is just not right.

Perhaps the most racist point of all in the tea parties is their demand that government "stop raising our taxes." That is outrageous! How will we Colored People ever get a wide screen TV in every room if non-coloreds get to keep what they earn? Totally racist! The tea party expects coloreds to be productive members of society?

Mr. Lincoln, you were the greatest racist ever. We had a great gig. Three squares, room and board, all our decisions made by the massa in the house. Please repeal the 13th and 14th Amendments and let us get back to where we belong.

Sincerely,

Precious Ben Jealous, Tom's Nephew National Association for the Advancement of Colored People Head Colored Person

OMG, HILARIOUS!! And that ending, with the whole NAACP President Ben Jealous "Tom's Nephew" thing? Ummm, naaaaailed it! 

I mean can you believe the NAACP, the very organization that makes "more money off of race than any slave trader, ever" and has the (black) balls big enough to use the words "Colored People" to describe blacks is actually calling white Tea Party Express superstar Mark Williams racist?

Absurd, I tell ya!

Everyone knows only racists say colored. But call 'em blacks or African Americans or Afros, make some watermelon or fried chicken joke, do everything in your power to subjugate their power and trivialize their tribulations, and you, my friend, are as down with the darkies as Mark Williams, Jim Crow, the current KKK Grand Wizard, Michael Steele, or any other one of the other famous civil rights leaders now carrying the mantle in the Grand Old Party of Old White Men.

Since when is America's newest political party, which is really just a mob of freaked-out old white Republicans running around shriekin' "WE WANT OUR COUNTRY BACK" ever since some dude of dubious race (Hawaiian?) won the presidential elections that fateful day 21 months ago, a bunch of terrible racists?

Sorry if some people still care about the whole real birth certificate thing! Sorry if some people don't think a certificate of Live Birth, what Hawaii officially calls such things, cuts it in this scary day and age when anyone can go waltzing into the presidency, even mysterious brown-skinned folks with funny names that include the dreaded Hussein somewhere in there.

Sorry if suddenly a humorous letter written to show how not racist the 'Baggers are is now cause for expulsion. Talk about oppression!

"We, in the last 24 hours, have expelled Tea Party Express and Mark Williams from the National Tea Party Federation because of the letter that he wrote," federation spokesman David Webb said of Williams' blog post that satirized a fictional letter from what he called "Colored People" to President Abraham Lincoln.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Isn't there anyone out there who understands the Lipton wearing patriots do not have a single racist bone in their collective White Body? Someone who can set those dumb monkeys at the NAACP straight about what is racist and what is simply patriotic white pride?

Like say, Republican hero of radio waves and clogged arteries, Rush Limbaugh, who courageously called the resolution “not true," or living legend Sarah Palin blasting the NAACP's claim as “false” and “appalling” or even Fox's box with a head, Sean Hannity, whose thorough search for racist tea party signs still came up empty. "I can't find any racist Tea Party signs!" Hannity giggled to whichever dumb blond was co-hosting today. Guess it must've been made up by the Jew-run media or something. They're always colluding with the blacks to keep the white man down!

Take Jewy-sounding Leonard Zeskind, who has written a history of the white nationalist movement, for instance.

“There are hard-core racists brewing inside the tea party movement,” said the Kansas City resident, white nationalist movement scholar, author of “Blood and Politics” and likely one of those Zionist-Socialist freaks.

“They see tea parties not only as recruitment opportunities, but as vehicles to cross over into mainstream American politics.”

“Liberals think these are all poor, angry, working-class whites, but that’s not true,” Leonard Zeskind explained. “It’s a solid middle class. The belief that these are people hit by the economic downturn is a myth. It’s people who have what they want and don’t want it taken away. They’re defending white privilege. Their slogan is ‘We want our country back.’”

In fact, a New York Times/CBS poll found that 52 percent of Tea Party supporters said “too much has been made of the problems facing African-Americans” while 28 percent of Americans overall said the same.

And?? Like get over a couple hundred years of slavery, a few more generations getting lynched and/or whipped for so much as glancing at the white missus, and get on with your life already! Seriously, it's getting pathetic people!

But what ever will the Tea Party do without Hero Mark Williams' Leadership? How will they cope now that he's been booted just for goin' rogue writing offensive, racist, grossly unfunny letters joking about the plight of blacks in this country. Hopefully, he'll continue his hard work freedom fighting the construction of an Islamic center in Lower Manhattan near Ground Zero, because everyone knows the only time Muslims ever visit New York is when flying hijacked jetliners into prominent NYC skyscrapers, not to mention Ground Zero is no place for the worship of  "the terrorists’ monkey-god." Sick!

Not surprisingly, some cowardly political leaders (Democrats, no doubt!) said the Tea Party movement itself wasn't racist, but needed to distance itself from any elements that bring prejudice and bigotry to its events.

"There are some members who have used the Tea Party -- whether it's the Tea Party itself, there are some individuals who have tried to exacerbate racial tensions in this country," House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-MD) told CNN. "I have seen some virulent fliers that have been directed at our members, clearly referencing race, the president's race and race generally."

LIAR!!!

Good thing Republicans know better. When also asked about racism among Teabaggers, on the same show, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, (R-KY), steered clear of the issue, saying: "I am not interested in getting into that debate."

And with that, he snorted, rolled his eyes and retreated back into his protective shell, bless the thing!

Keeps spineless Kentucky fried swamp turtles all nice 'n warm and safe from scary things like reality, black men in the White House, and the ever-terrifying P-word (other than progress!).

No, not predators silly, even worse: principles!

Because why actually stand for something when you can just do nothing, sit back, close your eyes, retreat into your shell, and poke your head out once the dark, menacing storms have passed and the horizon is once again light & bright & beautiful, and safe for shelled reptiles to travel freely without fear of being turned into delicious Turtle soup (or Tea!) by some crazed poacher or Terrapin-hating white power patriot of spice 'n herbs, or whatever the case may be.

The GOP's Spectacular Special Election Failure, Round One (Of Many)

Oh sweet Jesus, this feels good! After months of agonizing GOP shrieks and wild bonfire dancing over the Democrats all-but-certain election Obamageddon, thanks to all the alleged GOP momentum following Scott Brown's birthday suit surprise victory in Massachusetts, the time has come to laugh, baby laugh your liberal elitist arugula-eating asses off at what happens when Republican meets Reality.

And, let's just say if you're a proud member of the Grand Old Party of living fossils, it's about as pretty as John Boehner's tan is natural. Or say, Mitch McConnell's face after learning that his handpicked successor to replace that a**hole with a fastball Jim Bunning, Trey Grayson, just got his rear end beer-battered and Kentucky fried right out of contention, in favor of an adorable redneck in Bermuda shorts by the name of Rand Paul, whose daddy Ron Paul is also a famous hero who hates taxes, abortions, and letting gays do gross, gayish things to each other.

So now that Rand Paul won the Republican primary in Kentucky all by his grown-up self, without any help from his much kinder, gentler, old radical father, the Libertarian Jesus, Ron, or the established National Republican Party, he is sure to do very well in the general elections when he runs against a Democrat who does not believe in bombing countries for fun or letting states decide whether to let black people have equal rights. This is considered too crazy even by 21st century Kentucky standards. I mean this isn't Alabama here, people!

Anyway thanks to the GOP's embarrassing Bluegrass blowout, looks like there's more than a slight chance Kentucky's senate seat may actually flip Democrat(!) and Mitch McConnell will be forced to retreat back into his turtle shell, which is good news for the rest of us. Hey, we'll take whatever we can get.

So let's see how the rest of the gleeful, oil-drenched Grand Old Party of Lipton bags and senior citizens' monstrous takeover of Congress is going, shall we?

In the only House race that mattered to both parties—the special election to replace the late Democratic Rep. John Murtha in Pennsylvania’s 12th District—the Republicans failed spectacularly, losing on a level playing field where, in this favorable environment, they should have easily sent the opposition scrambling like a Mexican in Arizona. Assuming they haven't completed the danged fence, that is.

But instead, Democrat Mark Critz cruised past Republican Tim Burns in what can only be seen as a sign of things to come (the beginning of the end) for everyone's favorite party of NO, HELL NO, and NOT IN YOUR GOD DAMN DREAMS!

As First Read notes, "if the GOP couldn't win here--the only congressional seat that John Kerry won in '04 but Obama lost in '08--it's not going to have an easy time netting the 40 House seats in November it needs to retake the House."

You don't say!

Meanwhile, in Pennsylvania's Senate race, real, live Democrat Rep. Joe Sestak defeated desperate Republican-turned-sort-of-Democrat Sen. Arlen Specter for the Democratic nomination, with polls actually showing Sestak as the stronger candidate against Republican Pat Toomey in the general election (gasp!). Wow, these Republicans are sure on a roll...

Right off the nearby cliff, but a rolls a roll, no? Throw some thinly sliced beef smothered in cheese atop and hell, you got Philly's finest right there in your hand.

Sure beats taking a bite out of Toomey.

"The Republican strategy of just trying to focus on personalities, whether President Obama or Speaker Pelosi, that’s not a winning strategy," Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee Chairman Chris Van Hollen said.

Ummm, what do you expect them to do? Focus on Republican personalities? HAHAHAHAHAHA, yeah you try to hold a conversation with John McCain or John Boehner, see how well that works out for you.

Republicans made little attempt to sugar-coat (gay!) the results, with National Republican Congressional Committee Chairman Pete Sessions saying, “Tonight’s result was undoubtedly disappointing, but we will take the lessons learned from this campaign and move forward in preparation for November.”

Anyone know if Subway's still hiring??

Good thing there are few things Republicans enjoy more than getting gagged, bound, beaten, and humiliated into submission. Usually they prefer lesbian strippers, but I guess they can make an exception this one time.

“This hard-fought race gave us an early preview of what Democrats will attempt to do in the fall in order to survive,” Sessions said. “They will steer clear of publicly campaigning with President Obama and Speaker Pelosi, distance themselves from the Democratic agenda, and attempt to co-opt Republican positions on the issues.”

Blindfolded and down on all fours while Michael Steele stuffs dollar bills down their lace n' leather pants?

Eh, suddenly, regulating Wall Street and immigration reform doesn't sound too bad after all!

Dare I even say, sexy?

Why Won't Dems Just Pretend Health Care is Nintendo and Press the Reset Button?

OMG, why didn't we think of this sooner? The Republicans' ingenious new strategy is so brilliant in its sheer simplicity that it only needs two letters to sum it up entirely: N-O.

It's true! Much like their old approach of lies, obstruction, and manipulation, the new, improved GOP message has evolved and refined itself over time to strike the perfect balance between tradition and progress.

No longer limited to the usual boring yet straightforward "NO," the GOP's new plan includes such diverse reactions as "Nay," "No way," "No freakin' chance," "Hell no," "Not a chance in hell," and the always encouraging, "Not over my dead body."

You see, the GOP cares deeply about the American people and nothing would make them happier than passing a comprehensive health care reform bill to help average folks get access to quality, affordable insurance. In fact, in terms of sheer desirability level, it's right up there with passing kidney stones. A real hoot!

Which is why trustworthy, hardworking GOP heavy hitters like John McCain, Mitch McConnell, and Jim DeMint are hitting up the talk show circuit to explain to the American people, the wise sensibility and unparalleled brilliance behind their freshly revamped "Just Say No" campaign.

Now that they've won 41% of the seats in the Senate, thanks to that big-hearted liberal nuisance Teddy Kennedy being replaced by a much younger, hunkier, albeit less caring, Cosmo model by the name of Scott Brown, the Republicans know the time for real action has come.

It's time for Democrats to kill the health care reform bill and start over (from scratch!) because why wouldn't they waste all the time and effort they've already spent to please a party that won't be satisfied until health care is as dead as the poor, sick Americans whose lives depended on it.

Of course, if Democrats would just agree to "start over," the Republicans would be more than willing to support the health care reform they've spent the last six months mercilessly destroying because they care about average Americans as much as the next guy. They do!

If only the meany Democrats would try a little harder to include these very delicate Republicans in the process, they wouldn't be forced to derail the whole thing in the hopes that thousands and thousands more preventable American deaths (caused by their inaction), maybe just maybe the big break they've been waiting for to finally give Barry the ol' heave-ho back to the Kenyan countryside where he belongs.

But nooooo! The Democrats have no interest in turning the clocks back six months, putting partisan politics aside and starting afresh, with the slate wiped clean. They simply don't care about helping people who are not white and rich. Sorry.

Then, the Democrats can come to the table ready to tackle an insurance industry that's been fleecing the public for years and the Republicans can come to the table ready to tackle the Democrats and whatever Socialist devil plan they have up their sleeves to provide the public with actual health insurance that won't kill or bankrupt them.

It shall be the greatest defeat since Napoleon's infamous 1815 last stand at Watergate or was it Loo? Mwahahahahahaha!!

But if the Dems agree to press the reset button and "start over" on health care, the Republicans must also promise to do the same for George W. Bush and his brilliant eight year reign of peace and prosperity over America.

Let's see, just give us back New Orleans, the Ozone layer, our rights, our jobs, the economy, the housing market, the Constitution, both Twin Towers, the trillions of dollars wasted on fruitless wars to NOT capture bin Laden, the 5,346 U.S. soldiers who lost their lives fighting in the desert wastelands of Iraq and Afghanistan, and then maybe just maybe we'll consider it even.

Deal?

Democrats Yay, Republicans Nay On Merry Christmas Eve Day!

In the wee hours of morning, the Senate, err rather, the socialist Democratic Senate passed on a 60-39 party line vote a sweeping health care bill that will tighten insurance regulations, provide coverage for 31 million more Americans and cost $871 billion over the next decade.

"This is for my friend Ted Kennedy, aye," said Sen. Robert Byrd, who much to the dismay of Sen. Tom Coburn and heartbroken teabaggers countrywide, was able to stave off joining his old pal just long enough to roll his ol' bones down to the chamber to cast his vote with the rest of the meanie Dems who want to help insure Americans out of some weird, inexplicable desire to help people.

Then just for laughs and also delirium from lack of sleep, Master Harry Reid mistakenly voted no before changing his vote to yes, which caused quite a hoot in the chamber, especially from Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell.

Until it vanished without a trace, leaving only the tattered remnants of a frumpy sad sack minority leader with a history of bad judgment and a penchant for screwing the American people.

After the awkward vote, Reid joked, "I spent a very restless night last night trying to figure out how I could show some bipartisanship and I think I was able to accomplish that for a few minutes."

Yeah, cause now we all believe you don't want to shoot yourself in the face over that little faux pas. Thanks, totally not awkward now.

In case anyone cares or knows who the hell he is other than a washed-up MLB pitcher turned washed-up Kentucky Senator, Jim Bunning was absent for the vote. Not like he was voting for that unchristian piece of sh*t anyhow.

So with Vice President Joe Biden presiding over the session (presumably to make sure he was the only one f**king things up...ahem, Harry) to prove for the fourth time in as many days, that the Democrats could muster the necessary majority and stop being the kind of blubbering pansies that Dick Cheney gets off on.

Channeling Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid opened the floor saying, "The work goes on. The cause endures… and yet here we are, minutes away from doing what others have tried but none have achieved."

Republican leader Mitch McConnell responded, "This fight isn't over. My colleagues and I will work to stop this bill from becoming law. That's the clear will of the American people — and we're going to continue to fight on their behalf."

Umm, yeah about that...You've all been working so hard, why don't you boys go and take yourself a break. You've earned it! Get some rest. Spend some time with Grandma and the kids. Shoot some quails. Roast some chestnuts. Sip some eggnog. Tend the fire. Sing some good holiday cheer and thank the Lord Jesus for making you a real freedom-loving American unlike the sorry SOBs and miserable wretches who keep electing you to office.

Hahahaha all those pathetic povs, just one honey glazed ham bone away from death and/or bankruptcy.

But either way, Merry Christmas and God Bless America!

If The Public Option Doesn't Kill You First, Mitch McConnell's Stupidity Will

Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell sees where the Republican Party is going (not far) and naturally wants to lead the way. Unlike that dumb cow Michael Steele, big Mitch is not about to let this train(wreck) leave the station without its captain on board. No sir-ee!

That's why this responsible GOP leader from Kentucky is taking his dire warning of a health care reform holocaust straight to the American people!

Don't let those demonic Democrats fool you--the public option just "may cost you your life."

Luckily, Mitch McConnell is here to guide us through this medical apocalypse.

Excerpts of his enlightened interview on Dennis Miller's radio show:

MCCONNELL: Well, it doesn’t make any difference frankly whether you opt-in or you opt-out, it’s still a government plan. You know, Medicaid, the program for the poor now, states can opt-out of that, but none of them have. I think if you have any kind of government insurance program, you’re going to be stuck with it and it will lead us in the direction of the European style, you know, sort of British-style, single payer, government run system. And those systems are known for delays, denial of care and, you know, if your particular malady doesn’t fit the government regulation, you don’t get the medication.

MILLER: Right. (Really Dennis??)

MCCONNELL: And it may cost you your life. I mean, we don’t want to go down that path.

No we certainly do not! Anything's better than letting the evil government of this country we adore be in charge of a program that directly affects the lives of millions of its citizens. That would be like asking death on a date.

Call me old fashioned, but I'd rather play it safe and stick with what works. Or what doesn't, if you're Republican. Better screwed than sorry!