Newt Gingrich Wins South Carolina, Reminding America Why It's South Carolina In The First Place

Well, well, that was faster than dumping an ex-wife in the cancer ward! Whining, bloated, real life Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and serial adultering sac of ethics violations Newt Gingrich has just been declared the Big Wiener of the South Carolina Confederate Republican primary. Hooray! Now all of America can experience the amphibeous-named, Tiffany bling-encrusted, white-capped mountain of sleaze that is Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich. Let's just hope America has been drinking their açaí berry shakes and practicing their sun salutations because otherwise Newt will do to America what he's done to everything else he's ever loved: move on to the next younger, hotter CUNTry. Oops, Country, I mean Country!

So while the Big Newt, err, make that the Big News of the day is that a white, womanizing, racist asshole takes the bacon in the wonderful State where the Civil War started (crazy, I know!), those who don't reside in The Palmetto State, or as it's more commonly known, North Carolina's redheaded stepchild, can still feel a part of the wingnut political process, thanks to the boldest, tackiest, NSFW-iest political gear to hit the market this election year. Perfect for the crazed Teabagging asshole in your life! Wear one to your next (and last!) job interview and let the whole world know which appendage Uncle Sam can suck, without having to say a word!

And proudly wear your hate on your sleeve! Because if there's one thing people who like terrible, offensive polticial t-shirts looooove it is hating immigrants. Not like your average, milky white, red freckled, O'Sullivan or O'Reilly from Dublin. Remember, "immigrants" is Republican for "Mexicans," as is any other brown-skinned persons of broad latino descent born south of Brownsville, Texas.

The other general rule of thumb for people who purchase this type of political attire is a blind, albeit almost pathological hatred of President Barack Obama. This hate must be so strong that it bends the rules of logic, physics, grammar, the universe, and comparison-making. Obama is Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedong, Che Guevera, Pol Pot, the Joker from Batman, Bill Cosby, Uncle Tom, King Kong, Godzilla, Aunt Jemima, every black stereotype ever (here's looking at you Buckwheat!), a dork, dweeb, nerd, liar, elitist, secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist, and of course, a shit sandwich, as these t-shirts so tastefully prove. The best part? These tees come in a variety of exciting, PC colors like Sanchez Brown, Drunken Irish, Funeral Black, Blue Balls, Period Red, Pussy Pink, Blow White, and Bong Ash so you can you can look your best while being the worst!

Ugh, you know what really grinds wingnuts' gears? When gross smart people run the government! With their elitist knowledge and intelligence. It's enough to make a person sick! What America needs isn't more "community organizers" or hoity-toity "college graduates." Hell no! What it needs is a bunch of toothless, drunk, heavily armed, high school dropouts to make America great again by expelling all the Messicans and gays while bombing the bejesus out of as many foreign, oil-rich Muslim countries as their GED brains can think of. Next stop, Arabia!

Nothing screams sexy like an angry, naked Mama Grizz mounting Nancy Pelosi from behind, locked in a full nelson, and forced to submit to a woman elected to a position for which she isn't even running. Women's Rights are so 2008! Sarah Palin/Horny Men 2012! You betcha!

¡Ay, caramba! This shirt ordering all illegals to SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH is great except for the one tiny, little thing: the shirt is written in FUCKING ENGLISH! Though, extra bonus racist points for hot girl's middle finger. The universal language for junior high school kids to let the whole world know they just don't give a F*CK 'bout nothin! Except of course, poorly spoken, grammatically incorrect, AMERICAN JESUS ENGLISH.

Ummm, I don't know about you, but Vanilla Ice threatening to rip my eyeballs out and have sex with my empty orbital sockets is enough to keep me from setting Old Glory ablaze anytime soon. Mission Accomplished!?

Oh, yeaaaaah! Every dad who purchases this badboy is pretty much guaranteeing that his daughter will eventually end up dating Mary Cheney. Or Chaz Bono. Or, God forbid, Marcus Bachmann! **Shudder**

So get your awesome wingnut tee today and let the whole world know, "Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech" what happens when bad decision-making meets 40 ounces of malt liquor deep in the middle of Bumblefuck, USA, like oh, I don't know, say, South Carolina.

Freedom's a bitch, y'all!

Hooray! America's Downfall Is Officially Postponed As House Passes Awful Debt Deal Everyone Hates

Rejoice, my fellow Americans, the Debtpocalypsegeddon is almost over! America is back on top (of its flaming pile of unpaid bills, bounced checks, borrowed loans, crumpled receipts, IOUs, and angry post-it threats from China!) Woohoo! USA#1! USA#1! USA#1!

After weeks of alternately fucking with, psyching out, and pissing off President Obama by acting like a bunch of rabid, syphilis-ravaged meth head vampires, Republicans and Democrats in congress finally reached a debt deal, avoiding turning America into one big deadbeat dad like Tea Party House freshman scumbag Joe Walsh currently representing the 8th district of Illinois, not his $117,437 financial (or paternal) obligation to his three lazy, good-for-nothing school-age children. Get a job, junior!

Oohoh, but what sort of awesome "party favors" will the American people take home from this weeks-long, non-stop Boehnerific congressional coke-n-hookers-n-corporate-loopholes Teabagger rage fest?

Umm, how about $2.4 trillion in spending cuts with no guaranteed revenue raisers, but a coupon for a free bag of pork rinds instead? Okay? Okay!

“The result would be the lowest level of annual domestic spending since Dwight Eisenhower was president,” Obama explained.

Yay! So does that mean a return to Eisenhower-level taxes for the richest 1% of the population?

No, don't be silly! Democrats volunteered their balls to be cut off, dipped in delicious beer batter, fried to golden perfection and served to the hungry Republicans working round-the-clock to destroy any semblance left of this God-awful, 235-year-old experiment in Representative Democracy, formerly known as the United States of America.

Okay, what else?

America gets another bipartisan debt commission that everyone will ignore because they get one of those every year.

But that's not all!

The American people are also the lucky recipients of the horribly dangerous and reckless Teabagger tactics of holding the country hostage, as well as the failed "one party says this, the other party says that" media  machine that treats Fox News as Journalism and crazy people like human beings.

Hooray!

So congrats America! For all your hard work and dedication to electing some of the worst human beings in history to steer the country, your reward is a little note that says, “the global economy will not collapse tomorrow, you’re welcome.”

Pending final passage, the agreement marked a dramatic reach across party lines that played out over six months and several rounds of negotiating, interspersed by periods of intense partisanship.
“Sometimes it seems our two sides disagree on almost everything,” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said in floor remarks.
“But in the end, reasonable people were able to agree on this: The United States could not take the chance of defaulting on our debt, risking a United States financial collapse and a world-wide depression.”

Silly people! Think about all the money they just left on the table in prozac sales alone. Actually don't. It's kind of depressing.

According to a new Washington Post/Pew Research poll: 

Americans give overwhelmingly negative reviews to the fierce budget debate that has transfixed Washington over the past few weeks, and large numbers now think less favorably about the country’s political leaders.
Asked for single-word characterizations of the budget negotiations, the top words in the poll — conducted in the days before an apparent deal was struck — were “ridiculous,” “disgusting” and “stupid.” Overall, nearly three-quarters of Americans offered a negative word; just 2 percent had anything nice to say.
“Ridiculous” was the most frequently mentioned word among Democrats, Republicans and independents alike.

While the word ridiculous was commonest among both Democrats and Republicans, the most frequent word used by Tea Party Republicans was "Niggardly," followed closely by "huh?"

"If I were a Republican, this is a night to party," said Democratic Rep. Emanuel Cleaver, who bashed the new-fangled bipartisan deal as a "sugar-coated Satan sandwich."

Which come to think of it, pairs perfectly with a nice pipin' hot mug of tea.

"The Democratic Party, no less than the Republican Party, is at a very serious crossroads at this moment...This deal weakens the Democratic Party as badly as it weakens the country," Arizona Democrat Rep. Raul Grijalva said. "We have given much and received nothing in return. The lesson today is that Republicans can hold their breath long enough to get what they want."

The end of civilization as we know it?

Lord knows, they'll drink to that!

Crazy, Closeted, RV-Driving Wingnut Can't Help Being A Racist, Homophobic Lunatic, He Was Born That Way!

Ah yes, here it is, the old rusted-out camper, America's most trusted journalist to warn us all about the evil (gay?) that lurks in the hearts of men. More specifically, Teabagging men who loudly & proudly align themselves with a group named after the hilarious, super-straight act of dipping one man's testicles in the mouth and/or face of another similarly hetero man. For freedom. Hooray!

And in case you were wondering exactly what a Teabagger stream-of-consciousness craziness looks like, look no further than their favorite mobile medium of personal expression, the creepy pedovan, aka a rusty, broken down 1970-something RV.

There, you will find all the scintillating brilliance and sophisticated wisdom of a man, so steeped in divinity and the true path of the righteous, he uses two L's when concocting (haha, cock!) his REVELATION admonishing the world, "ITS SINFULL TO VOTE FOR FAG POLITICIANS."

But that's not it! Heavens to Betsy no! Not when QUEER (BI-SEXUAL) COMMUNIST OBAMA BOWS DOWN TO SATAN WORLDWIDE BECAUSE HE WORSHIPS THEIR REAR END!

Forget T.S. Eliot (queer!), this is the new, improved, wingnut recreational vehicle-driving poet TEA S. Eliot!

And what is more proof of your straight-as-an-arrow sexuality than flat-out refusing to even bother with those three flaming drama queens: spelling, grammar, and punctuation!?

Less obvious is, of course, why he even bothers calling the his scripture-mobile "REVELATION" when every wingnut worth his weight in McRibs already knows about all these things!?

Jesus told them when he was teaching them how to ride dinosaurs in the Olive Garden of Eden!

This guy is so full of wonderful facts and useful li'l pearls of wisdom that it's almost impossible picking his finest verse.

"QUEER (BI-SEXUAL) COMMUNIST, OBAMA HATES AMERICAN SOLDIERS GUTS, SO HE MAKES THEM QUEERS SO THEY WILL BE NOTORIOUS, AND HATED, INSTEAD FAMOUS AND LIKED. PLAYING EVERYONE FOR A SUCKER WHICH IS ALL HE DOES."

**Sigh.** Einstein lives among us!

Truer words have never been spoken, err, except maybe this next passage:

"QUEER (SATAN) OBAMA, QUEERS EVERYTHING IN AMERICA, HE EVEN QUEERS THE ARMY. QUEER OBAMA WANTS SOLDIERS TO WEAR PINK UNIFORMS, NYLON STOCKINGS, AND HIGH HEELS, IT TURNS HIM ON."

Clearly, TEA S. Eliot is very familiar with this sort of thing, which isn't too surprising since everyone knows practice makes perfect!

Unless, someone with a lot of experience on the subject told him instead.

Couldn't be Sarah Palin, since she already quit her bus tour to go relax and club salmon to death on the bottom of a carcass-filled rowboat.

Which could only mean one more shining example that Marcus Bachmann's pray-the-gay-away conversion therapy works wonders!

From fruit to nut in the time it takes to decorate an old, broken down homo van with misspelled banners for crazy people.

Tea Party Leader Takes Pro-Bullying Stance Towards Gay Teens Because He Loves Freedom...The Freedom To Hate Anyone Not Straight, White, & Deeply In Denial

In these contentious times, there are only so many uncontroversial statements a person can make that pretty much everyone can agree with, like say, "cancer is a terrible disease" or "kicking defenseless puppies in the face is wrong" or "the abuse of children is a terrible thing."

Umm, wait, except that last one, if you're evil, bigoted homophobe (aka secret closet case) Tea Party Nation leader Rich Swier who names his terrible, hate-filled group after a hot, soothing, wildly popular beverage traditionally enjoyed in small, dainty cups by dapper gentleman in foreign places like Socialist Europe (gasp!).

Because, if so, then the relentless, cruel bullying and teasing teenagers inflict and endure, also known as "peer pressure" is a wonderful thing, the kind of thing that helps keeps kids in line, specifically from acting all gross and gay-like.

Sure, "peer pressure" might be responsible for your teenage boy or girl abusing drugs and alcohol, smoking cigarettes, getting drunk and/or pregnant in the backseat of Papa's pickup, graffiting the highway, egging the neighbor's house, planking off the edge of a creaky, unstable bridge 100 ft up, or making the same wardrobe choices as the homeless man hanging out at the local liquor store. 

But, on the bright side, "peer pressure" is also responsible for your sissy kid getting his ass kicked by the entire football team every day at school, which at the very least, should make him think twice about feeling so comfortable in his own awful gay skin.

Just look at what Tea Party Nation and STRAIGHT-AS-AN-ARROW AS-A-MAN-OBSESSED-WITH-GAY-SEX Rich Swier sent to Tea Party Nation members, via RightWingWatch:

This is not bullying. It is peer pressure and is healthy. There are many bad behaviors such as smoking, under age drinking and drug abuse that are behaviors that cannot be condoned. Homosexuality falls into this category. Homosexuality is simply bad behavior that youth see as such and rightly pressure their peers to stop it. In Sarasota County over 70% of all HIV/AIDS cases are due to male sex with males.
I agree with Gulf Coast Gives that “LGBT youth are up to five times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight counterparts.” Homosexuality, like drugs, harms young people if they experement [sic] with it. That is the greatest tragedy.

Almost as tragic as when (3, 2, 1, now?) this same vile, hate-spewing, teenage sexuality-obsessed grown man gets peer pressured caught hiring his own secret luggage handling rent-boy or with his pants around his ankles in a signature wide stance soliciting (gay) sex from undercover policemen in airport men's rooms.

Oh wait, he's a Teabagger, right? Did I say tragic? I meant typical.

Besides, speaking of tragedies, your child coming out as gay isn't so bad. Sure as hell beats coming out as a Teabagger.

Talk about tragic!

Wet Hot American Summer: The Lord Of The (Right-Wing) Flies

Is your child's summer camp a bit too...umm shall we say, foreign? Are their cabin mates a tad diverse, counselors a bit too Kenyan for your liking?

Well, fear not, fellow patriots! Because the Tampa Liberty School, a 5-day summer camp designed to
to scrub the political correctness out of children’s tender, pre-liberal brainwashed minds, is still available for sign up!

There, li'l freedom fighters ages 8-12 can learn important lessons about the dangers of Socialism, the value of Freedom, and why America should ditch that worthless paper currency and return to the Gold Standard of Glenn Beck's pyrite toy coins.

Unlike your standard public school (with their boring, fact-based textbooks & liberal bias called truth), the Tampa Liberty School will use "fun, hands-on activities to promote principles like 'America is good,' 'I believe in God,' 'I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to because Government cannot force me to be charitable,'" and all the other delightful tenants our Founding Fathers enshrined in the Constitution Ayn Rand enshrined in Atlas Shrugged.

Oh and don't worry because the lessons are designed for a third grade level learning, which ironically, is about the same level of understanding of American history possessed by so many of our beloved Tea Party patriots.

The St. Petersburg Times reports:

One example at Liberty: Children will win hard, wrapped candies to use as currency for a store, symbolizing the gold standard. On the second day, the “banker” will issue paper money instead. Over time, students will realize their paper money buys less and less, while the candies retain their value.

“Some of the kids will fall for it,” Lukens said. “Others kids will wise up.”

And then they will kindly get tossed out of the nearest window because at Liberty Camp intelligence is just a fancy shmancy elitist word for terrorism.

Another example: Starting in an austere room where they are made to sit quietly, symbolizing Europe, the children will pass through an obstacle course to arrive at a brightly decorated party room (the New World).

Red-white-and-blue confetti will be thrown. But afterward the kids will have to clean up the confetti, learning that with freedom comes responsibility.

Still another example: Children will blow bubbles from a single container of soapy solution, and then pop each other’s bubbles with squirt guns in an arrangement that mimics socialism. They are to count how many bubbles they pop. Then they will work with individual bottles of solution and pop their own bubbles.

Oooh, sounds fun! Except when the "smart" kids start using their delicious hard, wrapped candies to pay the "other" kids to clean up the confetti like them chocolate-skinned illegal border jumpers from Mexicanland.

We can only assume the black kids will be symbolically shackled with chains made out of paper clips and rubber bands, while the white boys, armed with BB guns, "sell" them for even more pieces of hard, wrapped candy. The white girls, naturally, will be in the cafeteria where they belong, making the boys' PB&J sandwiches, while the Asians, Indians, and Muslims are forced to march, single file, outside where they will proceed to build all swing sets, sandboxes, slides and other playground equipment their terrible. gross skin color prohibits them from enjoying themselves.

Ha ha, just kidding! Minorities aren't allowed at Liberty Camp, silly!

Teabagger Dude's Got 99 Problems, But A Brain Ain't One!

As you probably already know, the state of the nation can be accurately assessed by reading the fine print between the lines of America's most trusted, new journalist, the old, rusted-out, 1970s Toyota camper parked outside a local Burger King.

And on this great, new canvas of freedom comes all the poetic brilliance and artful expression you'd expect from someone with the subtle wit, keen intellect, and teabags caffeinated enough to call our half-black president a monkey with no intelligence, while misspelling every other word plastered on his vintage creepy pedovan.

“MONKEY MIND OBAMA THE GREAT SATAN, AND THE CHANGE HE PROMISED YOU.” A sentence for the ages.

Ignorant fools! Unlike this pillar of the community and resident Einstein who lets his automobile do the talking, instead of grunting like some gross gorilla mouth who needs a magic Jesus scroll machine to remind him of all the big, more-than-one-syllable words written in his speech.

Well, this guy doesn't need no stinkin' teleprompter to remind him of "THE RIGHT TO BARE ARMS AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT"

Give me a tank top or give me death! Just like the Constitution says. Besides, everyone knows sleeves are for pussies!

But did you know that UFO's are the ANGELS IN THE BIBLE? The ones who DID ALL THE MIRACLES? Eww, perverts!

You might think God loves man, the being He created in his own image, the very bestest. You'd be wrong, ya monkey brain morons!

Most blessed are the UFOs, for they shall inherit the Earth, once it has been destroyed by heathen hippies, homos, and humans for Hussein NObama.

Even more impressive than this recreational vehicle owners' spelling and grammar skills is his uncanny insider knowledge of the intimate details behind Obama's swanky, secret White House soirees.

“OBAMA HAS BOOSE PARTY’S EVERY OTHER DAY (AVERAGE) AT THE WHITE HOUSE, GIVEING EVERY-ONE $150 STEAKS (IMPORTED) TO EAT," Fox News' newest ace reporter, the worn-out Winnebago explains.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, TEN MILLION DOLLORS? OF OUR TAX MONEY? ON BOOSE AND STEAKS?

Impossible! No way! C'mon, that sounds sort of like something an American would do!

That said, someone really ought to tell Donald Trump he may be trying a bit too hard with his new campaign tour bus. Just a tad.

The Daily Caller Hires Ginni Thomas In The Hopes That She'll Stop Calling Women To Demand Apologies For Being Sexually Harassed By Her Husband

Ginni Thomas, the loyal lobbyist Teabagging wife of Supremely silent and Supremely sexy Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, has taken the next step in her professional journey of weird, quasi-legal, likely immoral influence-peddling conservative jobs, most recently accepting the not-at-all interest conflicting "special correspondent" position at the appropriately special needs wingnut website, The Daily Caller.

Hooray?

That's right, Virginia "Ginni" Thomas is indeed joining the awful media elites she spends so much of her time bashing, just not the terrible arugula eating “mainstream media” (not named Fox news) specializing in “gotcha journalism” as “lapdogs for the other side” by reporting actual facts, not the crazed chalkboard conspiracies of whichever voices are whispering in Glenn Beck's head now.

And who better to fill this important journalism job than someone who is not a journalist, despises the profession in general, and is used to earning her keep making ethics violations on her husband's behalf, who per usual, had no comment.

Asked to discuss her latest, greatest, sketchball move to The Daily Caller, Ginni Thomas said, "It is a privilege to join such a fast-growing platform with a capable, fun-loving team who are filling a niche that the dinosaur media has underserved."

Whoa, whoa, easy there Ginni! What did the nation's proud paleontology trade journalists ever do to you, huh? It's not their fault God created scientists!

Tucker Carlson, Daily Caller co-founder, editor, and unofficial president of bow-ties, said that Thomas’s position will be part time, beginning in “days or weeks” and will focus on “identifying and interviewing people who might in the future become influential in politics or who are already influential but who you may not know about.”

And not just because hubby Clarence forget to include so much as a single cent of Ginni's hefty income on 13 years’ worth of financial disclosure reports. Whoopsies! An honest mistake anyone could make! I mean it's not like we should expect a brilliant legal mind, one who sits on the highest court of the land and is called upon to understand and interpret the most complicated legal issues of our day, to be able to understand the simple directions of a federal disclosure form!

Carlson said Thomas “knows a ton of people” and likened her presence at the publication to “a dinner party formula: If you get a lot of interesting people with varied experiences and backgrounds and points of view and put them in one place, they’re apt to provide a pretty interesting evening.”

Or vomit on your pricey new stereo system. Either one, really.

“Ginni is always upbeat, she has an unbelievable amount of energy and enthusiasm and she knows our political system as well as anyone in Washington,” publisher and CEO Neil Patel, a former adviser to Vice President Dick Cheney, said. “We could not imagine a better person to take on this role.”

So true. Now when she calls up Anita Hill out of nowhere at the crack of dawn on a Saturday morning to demand an apology for being sooooo attractive (aka slutty) that her hubby Clarence just couldn't stop harassing her with pubic hairs and diet coke, while instructing her to disrobe right there and hop on  his hard, throbbing gavel, it won't be because she's batsh*t crazy, it'll  be because her job demands it!

Hellooooo people, it's called the Daily Caller! I mean it freakin' has Ginni's name written all over it!

So kudos to Ginni and her wonderful new non-secret gig at the Daily Caller. Hopefully, this crack squad team of dedicated, hard-hitting non-journalists will finally answer the pressing, age-old questions on everyone's mind, like where in the world is Barack Hussain Obama's/Barry Soetoro's birth certificate (hint: Kendonesia), why that no-good whore Anita Hill must publicly apologize to Ginni for getting in the way of Clarence Thomas' big black dick, err, docket, I mean docket, and why Teabaggers are the bestest, most freedom 'n Jesus loving, morbidly obese Americans ever to zip around on Socialized Medicare scooters, waving racist, misspelled signs, while shrieking about gays, poors, Muslims, fetuses and dead grandmothers.

So let freedom ring!

Don't worry, Ginni will answer it.

The State Of The Nation Is...A Bunch Of Angry White People Shrieking At Muslim Kids Going To A Charity Event For Battered Women & Homeless People

Here in America, there are some otherwise seemingly normal people who, upon, hearing the word Muslim, or seeing an actual woman wearing a burqa, suddenly morph into shrieking mindless mobs of ignorant, intolerant bigoted red, white, 'n blue wretches who just can't help but hurl racist, vile things (preferably through a megaphone) at innocent young children and their now-obviously terrified families.

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Just last month, a Muslim group (gasp!), the Islamic Circle of North America, sponsored a charity event to raise money for women’s shelters and fight homelessness in Orange County.

And as one would expect with anything even remotely Muslim-y, throngs of protesters, many of the Teabagging variety, stormed the event because they hate battered women, homeless people, feeding the hungry, all Muslims, because two of the event's keynote speakers, Imam Siraj Wahhaj and Amir Abdel Malik Ali, are controversial; one was once listed as a co-conspirator in 1993 World Trade Center bombing (he was never charged), and the other once said he supports Hezbollah.

Of course, things changed once the patriotic, freedom 'n harassing children-loving protesters saw actual Muslim-American families walking into the Yorba Linda Community Center. Then, they just couldn't help themselves and dropped their alleged protest of the two men to spew vile, ethnocentric slurs through megaphones at any and every chocolatey-hued man, woman, and child who passed through, masquerading as actual Americans, not the secret Muslim terrorist Jihadists they really are.

I mean, it's not like they're yelling at little kids or anything, they're yelling at future terrorists!

Unfortunately for the Muslim families and children in attendance, ICNA spokesman Syed Waqas' insistence that the protesters "should know the facts. We have no links to any overseas organization. We absolutely denounce violence and terrorism" fell on deaf ears, because it is kind of hard to hear anything while frenzied mobs of unhinged people are chanting, at the top of their lungs, "Go home, terrorists. We don’t want you here. Go beat your women” and "Muhammad is a child molester," "Muhammad is a pervert."

Oooh, isn't it just great to be an American, folks!?

"This is not about hate. We are not hate mongers," said Karen Lugo, one of the not-at-all-Islamaphobic speakers shrieking about the constitutional right of Americans to take away the rights of Muslims, outside the community center.

One organizer, Steven Amundson of Huntington Beach said, "A week and a half ago I would have been happy to have six people show up. It's not right for terrorism to come to Yorba Linda. I always stress the need to be peaceful and positive."

So everyone please back the f up while so ol' Steven over here can exercise his First Amendment rights to yell racially charged obscenities at frightened first graders and their parents.

It's what Jesus Would Do!

Salon’s Glenn Greenwald comments:

I think what was most striking about that video is that the presence of small children didn’t give these anti-Muslim protesters even momentary pause; they just continued screeching their ugly invective while staring at 4-year-olds walking with their parents.  People like that are so overflowing with hatred and resentments that the place where their humanity — their soul — is supposed to be has been drowned.

In a star-spangled vat of Glenn Beck's tears, presumably.

For all those able to sit through this video in its entirety, and are now left feeling depressed, dumbfounded at the crazy state of the country, and consumed with a sudden urge to crawl under a desk and sob in the fetal position...

Go hug a Muslim. It'll make you feel better.

Second Is The Best! Latest, Greatest Legal Mind Cites Tea Party In Saving America From The Socialist Tyranny Of Affordable Health Care

Rejoice obese, saturated fat-clogged 'mericans ridin' around on socialized Medicare scooters, waving red, white, and blue flags for the freedom to patriotically die and/or go bankrupt trying to pay for li'l Johnny's bone marrow transplants.

Victory is yours! Errr, kind of.

Thanks to the latest, greatest, most likely racist old white judge in the confederacy land Roger Vinson's decision to toss his caffeinated bag into the proverbial scalding hot pot and toss Comrade Barry's socialist death panels out with one fell swoop of his glistening, now gubmint-free gavel.

Just the sort of thing that gives legendary ancient human/turtle hybrid, and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, the false hope (or is it courage?) that, contrary to conventional wisdom, 47 votes is actually equal to 60, and thus enough to repeal President Obama's no-good health care reform to help poor people and young kids not needlessly die so insurance companies can get even more filthy rich, by a final tally of 51 decent human beings (aka Democrats) to 47 heartless bastards (better known as Republicans).

Hooray!

Naturally, nobody in their right mind expected this blustery bit of faux-outraged Republican-led repeal hysteria to actually pass into law or anything. Ha ha, as if! These are Republicans remember? Their entire existence consists of proposing terrible, dead-end legislation no one wants, with no realistic chance of ever passing, so long as it remains true to their #1 stated objective: doing the exact opposite of what Obama says or wants, regardless of what that is, in the desperate hopes it will wipe the insufferable smirk off his hideously charming, dangerously electable face.

What do you want them to do? Spend precious time and effort creating actual jobs for the American people? Hahaha, those lazy bums? Eww, gross. Heaven forbid!

Tell 'em to try lifting themselves up by their own damn bootstraps for a change instead of waiting for someone who maybe gives a shit about them (psst: certainly not a Republican!) to do something about it. Or they could always just pray to Jesus and Jesus' li'l bro Ronny Reagan to please maybe start trickling down some good fortune upon them from high above.

Sure, nothing compares to the first exhilarating time some wingnut federal judge in Virginia declared health care reform unconstitutional, but it's still enough to make you feel all tingly and warm inside, right?

Not to mention, while that wimpy Virginia judge only stuck down part of President Obama's signature health care legislation, the newest, bright shining legal mind to emerge from the murky blend of caffeinated herbs and ignorance, Judge Roger Vinson of Federal District Court in Pensacola, Florida, went the Full Monty, declaring the entire bill unconstitutional and thus void in these United States of No Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act-merica.

“Because the individual mandate is unconstitutional and not severable, the entire Act must be declared void.”

Yay! This judge wins at denying people access to health care until the new greatest legal mind ever to grace Fox News is born on this dear planet.

At a time when there is virtually unanimous agreement that health care reform is needed in this country, it is hard to invalidate and strike down a statute titled “The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.”

But, alas, in the end, he had to. And now he's famous, biatches!

Let freedom ring, even if it does sound suspiciously like a suffering child's untreated whooping cough.

Nothing a good old-fashioned pipin' hot mug o' tea couldn't solve!

Bummer Bones Barack EMObama's Sorry He's Not A Dumb White Republican Who Bankrupts America & Bombs Everyone Else

Long-faced loser President Barack EMObama moped around the White House yesterday, making his obligatory big post-election press conference about how bad it feels to get shellacked, before putting on his old Bulls sweatsuit, plopping on the West Wing couch and stuffing his face with arugula chips and Ben & Jerry's for the next two years because clearly America will not be satisfied until a gubmint-hating Teabagger who moonlights as an SS officer in their spare time, occupies the Oval Office.

Because the Republicans gaining control of the House of Representatives (and 1/6th of government overall) in in your standard midterm election shuffle is less a result of the massive wave of enthusiastic, over-caffeinated Teabaggers flooding polling places in every bumblef**k town in Real America and more a national referendum on America's collective hatred of that awful NOBama and his terrible, no good Socialist policies  helping kids with leukemia get actual health care, not suddenly dropped from coverage by the nice insurance companies who figure they might as well save a few bucks since the hapless kid's probably gonna die anyway.

President Obama, appearing somber and reflective after what he described as a "shellacking" at the polls Tuesday night, acknowledged that, "People are frustrated. They're deeply frustrated with the pace of our economic recovery and the opportunities that they hope for their children and their grandchildren. They want jobs to come back faster."

So wave your magic wand and make it all better already, wouldya Barry!

When asked about GOP plans to work for repeal of his health-care legislation, even bummed out emo Obama cautioned that "we'd be misreading the election if we thought that the American people want to see us for the next two years relitigate arguments that we had over the last two years."

But he said he would be "happy to consider" slight modifications to  the legislation and listen to "good ideas wherever they come from."

Jesus??

No, silly! The Republican Pledge To America, duh! There, you will learn all about the wonderful world where talking points and powerpoints serve as the preferred substitute for, say, a real budget, without annoying, silly things like details and solutions.

For example:
- Help small businesses
- Make economy better
- Reagan
- Profit
Economy all better!

Health care reform? Hapuff, that's easy! "Tort Reform" aka "No More Malpractice Lawsuits." There, health care fixed, easy peasy. Now, we can move on to important matters like which dumb Muslim country to bomb next!

Still, Obama acknowledged that it would not be easy to reach agreement on contentious issues, and  "without any Republican support on anything, it's going to be hard to get things done."

But certainly a hell of a lot easier for the Dems to get unceremoniously tossed out of power, just like the Republicans always dreamed it would be!

However, sad, defeated President Obama said that he is "very eager to sit down with members of both parties and figure out how we can move forward together," adding that, "I'm not suggesting this will be easy. I won't pretend that we'll be able to bridge every difference or solve every disagreement."

Ugh, failure!

Obama nevertheless said he believes "there is hope for civility." And he urged elected officials to remember "that our first allegiance as citizens is not to party or a region or a faction, but to country. Because while we may be proud Democrats or proud Republicans, we are prouder to be Americans."

Speak for yourself, Hussein!

"As I reflect on what's happened over the last two years, one of the things that I think has not been managed by me as well as it needed to be was finding the right balance in making sure that businesses have rules of the road and are treating customers fairly . . . but also making absolutely clear that the only way America succeeds is if businesses are succeeding."

Forget the way of the Tao, it's the way of the Dow in these parts, Barry!

But Obama did seem to take comfort in the fact that history is on his side,  reflecting that presidents Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton experienced similar midterm defeats.

"You know, this is something that I think every president needs to go through, because...the responsibilities of this office are so enormous and so many people are depending on what we do, and in the rush of activity sometimes we lose track of...the ways that we connected with folks that got us here in the first place," Obama said. "Now, I'm not recommending for every future president that they take a shellacking like I did last night. You know, I'm sure there're easier ways to learn these lessons."

Become white and conservative?

“The relationship that I’ve had with the American people is one that built slowly, peaked at this incredible high, and then during the course of the last two years, as we’ve together gone through some very difficult times, has gotten rockier and tougher,” Obama said.

Whoa, whoa, OMG, is Obama breaking up with America? So hard to tell with those damn emos!

Although, he said he was sure that this relationship would "have some more ups and downs" during the rest of his presidency.

Phew!! But seriously cheer up, young president Barry! Economies improve eventually. It Gets Better.

Didn't the Mama Grizzlies teach you anything? Man up, B!!

Screw the nice guy routine, it's time to get tough!

Luckily, one liberal commenter took the liberty of writing a new, slightly less somber, slightly more smackdown post-election script for the president:

"Look, you ignorant, Fox News-watching rednecks....I have heard your illogical cries to 'cut government spending' and will do just that — starting immediately.
"I'm implementing a 20 percent cut to ALL federal programs, starting with the three federal programs that consume the majority of our tax dollars: Medicare/Medicaid, Social Security and Defense.
"Don't whine to me about how you 'need' your government-subsidized Medicare or Medicaid...you want cuts to government spending; you'll get cuts to government spending.
"Don't bitch about how you can't afford to have your Social Security check cut. You've made it clear that federal budget cuts are your priority.
"And just in case you think we need MORE defense spending, let me fill you in — the US military budget is larger than the military budgets of China, Britain, France, Russia, Germany, Japan, Saudia Arabia, Italy, South Korea, Brazil, Canada, and Australia combined.
"YOU may want to piss our tax dollars away in unwinnable wars, but since you've demanded cuts to federal spending, I'll be lopping 20 percent off the the defense budget.
"In short, fuck you brain-dead idiots. Ask for cuts to federal spending and you'll get cuts to federal spending. Please direct any whining to the Republicans you voted into office, because I'm done with you inbred asshole teabaggers."

Man pants on, Barry out! Word.

Rand Paul's Headstomping Supporter Demands Apology For Some Scary Activist Lady's Head Falling Under His Innocent Shoe

Oh no-zees! Another day, another weird, disturbing scandal involving some new Teabagging nutjob or another using disproportionate force to stomp on activist ladies' heads, illegally arrest no-good journalists who dare ask so much as a single question, or dabble in witchcraft to wipe out the sinful scourge of self-pleasure across this great land.

This time the lucky winner is Kentucky's own Colonel of Crazy, Rand Paul, whose loyal band of Southern fried Aqua Buddha fascist freaks heroically prevented a very scary petite lady all of 5' from brutally attacking Sir Rand with a piece of paper before a debate against hippie-dippie, civil rights supportin' Democratic senate opponent Jack Conway, by bravely surrounding the woman, throwing her on the ground, on stomping on her no-good awful, terrible head. For freedom, of course!

Hooray!

According to the Louisville Courier Journal, “Lauren Valle of MoveOn.org approached Paul and tried to give him an “employee of the month award” from Republicorp…a fake business MoveOn created to symbolize what it says is the merger of the GOP and business interests controlling political speech.”

Well there you have it! The woman was positively begging to have her head stomped, walking around with a wig and a sheet of poster board like some deranged menace to society, thirsting for the blood of everyone's favoritest freedom-fighting patriot & uncertified Ophthalmologist running for Senate.

Preferably by a burly 250 lb man named Tim Profitt (like, seriously??) who's also Rand Paul's "Bourbon County Coordinator" and personal bodyguard against scary poster-wielding MoveOn ladies.

“I was concerned about Rand’s safety,” Profitt said. “A friend of mine went up to three policeman before Rand got there, and told them about the girl who was standing there with that wig on and that she was getting ready to do something. The policemen looked at him and said that’s not our job.”

Ummmm, hellooooooo?? 

That, my friends, is a job for Rand Paul supporters who know stomping on people's heads is What Jesus Would Have Done if he saw a girl in a wig standing still looking like she might be getting ready to do something (like maybe say some meany comment?) to His sweet, sweet Senate candidate and favoritest teabagging racist from Kentucky, too!

But now that the lamestream liberal media has gone and made a big whoopdedoo about nothing, Tim Profitt feels just terrible about smashing his foot on some 23-year-old girl's head and neck, is "sorry that it came to that" and apologizes “if it appeared overly forceful.”

What?? Don't be silly! It's common knowledge that a foot to the head is actually the customary way Kentucky gentleman greet their lady friends at these sort of get-togethers. The li'l ladies down South simply go craaaaazy when their chivalrous, patriotic, strapping men folk violently slam them on the ground and square dance on their face as testament to their undying love and affection (of the WWF?).

Sometimes they even "get served with a criminal summons ordering him to appear before a Fayette County District Court Judge" just to see each other again, if only for a fleeting moment to lock eyes and laugh about the li'l "love" tussle over Mint Juleps, a variety bucket of the Colonel's Classic, and how many hard-earned bucks it takes to beat up a woman and send her to the hospital with a concussion and sprains.

But, in his defense, Profitt did say that the camera angle made the incident appear worse than it really was.

Not to mention, certainly didn't do any favors to a certain someone's waistline either!

But as is the traditional Southern way, when you, a full grown man stomps on a person's head, it should really be that person apologizing to you for their big dumb skull getting in the way of your innocent rubber sole.

After all, you didn't see Dick Cheney apologizing for shooting that one guy in the face, did you? Why, you most certainly did not! That's for pussies with hearts, not monsters with mechanized pump machines, you mortal fools!

Just ask Tim! “I would like for her to apologize to me to be honest with you,” he said.

Well, we would like you to be honest with us, Tim!

Go on?

“She’s a professional at what she does,” he added, “and I think when all the facts come out, I think people will see that she was the one that initiated the whole thing.”

Awww, hells yeah! Just like the last floozy dumb enough to run her mouth off to the wrong mister Profitt. Or the other hapless bitch he simply had no choice but to date-rape before her.

Either way, he has a very good reason why he had to body slam this girl on the ground to assault her.

Profitt also blamed the incident on his back pain. Footage shows that Profitt stomped down on Lauren Valle’s head, neck and shoulder while she was being restrained by another man with her shoulder on the street and her head on the curb.

Oh, the poor, poor lady-beating fellow! Lord knows how hard it is for Teabaggers to actually heave their obese, Double Down saturated bodies off their motorized Socialist scooters so they can pin young librul ladies down against the ground and make it a fair fight.

Any 'bagger worth their weight in tea 'n testosterone knows that individual responsibility means that when someone stomps on your head, you take responsibility for it.

This makes perfect sense. Nobody question his explanation, because Liberty. Got it?

Meanwhile, Rand Paul’s campaign called the altercation “incredibly unfortunate” and expressed relief that the woman was not injured, in that she's still breathing and is not paralyzed from the neck down, wheelchair bound for the rest of her life.

That’s sweet of them. Those kind words from Rand Paul’s other Gestapo workers will heal whatever head, neck and shoulder wounds she has. Plus, maybe if we're really blessed, Sharron Angle will whip up one of her famous Lemon meringue/incestuous rape victims squares, Ayn Rand will come back from the dead to say an Objectivist prayer for her, and Christine O'Donnell can invoke one of her world-renowned get well soon spells, specially reserved for liberal victims of Libertarian head stompers.

Because the path to taking our country back (to the Stone Age?) is paved with blood, sweat, tears, and of course, the bashed heads of battered women.

Profitt & Paul: Teabaggers In Paradise

Crazy, Racist Homophobic Tea Monster Carl Paladino Is Sorry For Offending Everyone With A Pulse, Even Freak Gays Or Weirdos Who Don't Enjoy Animal/Human Porn

Notorious New York hell monster Carl Paladino enjoys indulging in a few of life's simpler pleasures: sending mindblowingly offensive, racist emails about Barry NObama (lol, negro president!), hot girl-on-horse porno videos, beating up no-good, prying reporters askin' too many questions (maybe after he's governor, he'll answer your stinkin' questions!), and saying whatever terrible, vulgar, repulsive thing that happens to float into his slightly impaired, small, petty mind now.

Under normal circumstances, crazy ol' Carl would be able to say and do as many horrible things as his sweet li'l heart desires, without having to worry about apologizing to all those offended by his latest email forward of Obama with a bone through his nose eating watermelon or speech telling a bunch of Orthodox Jews how he thinks gross homosexuals are as bad as the terrible Muslims, minus the whole Pride Parade rubbing against each other in tight black speedos thing or whatever.

But now that he isn't just some dumb, queer bashing obnoxious New York schmuck nobody cares about, but the actual Republican gubernatorial candidate schmuck everybody loves to make fun of, Carl seems to be running into the problem of opening his big fat mouth when anyone is listening, let alone 20,000 cameras watching his every move. And when stupidity meets publicity, it is a recipe for disaster of epic Carl Paladino proportions.

An online news outlet in New York state has obtained dozens of emails, many of them racist and sexually graphic, which it reports were sent by Carl Paladino, the Tea-Party-backed Republican candidate for governor of New York, to a long list of political and business associates. One email shows a video of an African tribal dance, entitled “Obama Inauguration Rehearsal,” while another depicts hardcore bestiality.

Too bad it wasn't something more romantic like say softcore bestiality where the horse at least makes out with the woman before banging the bejesus out of her with his huge Paladino Palamino cock.

Because in Carl's bizarro, freaky world, some things are still sacred. Like sex with horses. This is a good and wholesome thing. Sex with people, on the other hand, is bad. Well, actually, sex with people is okay too, but only when it is one man plus one woman who is not your wife that you end up getting pregnant and then keeping the secret love child hidden for ten years. This too is a-okay!
What is not, however, as savory as sluts banging Shetlands, is of course sinful sodomites, particularly those with the disco balls big enough to flaunt their homosinuality up 'n down the once-pure, decent streets of New York City in some sort of terrible, twisted testosterone and testicle tranny parade, unfit for anyone's eyes, least of all, the innocent oculars of one distinguished gentleman, a certain Mr. Carl Paladino. Especially when talkin' to his good pals, them crazy Yids with the braids and the hats who hate fegalas, schvartze, and A-rabs too!

"I didn't march in the Gay Pride parade this year. My opponent did. There is nothing to be proud of in being a dysfunctional homosexual. That's not how God created us, and that's not the example that we should be showing our children - and certainly not in our schools," Paladino said.

"Young children should not be exposed to that at a young age. They don't understand, it's a very difficult thing," said Mr. Paladino. "And exposing them to homosexuality, especially at a gay pride parade - and I don't know if you have ever been to one, but they wear these little Speedos and they grind against each other and it's just a terrible thing."

A terrible, terrible thing I just can't, for the love of God, get out of my head for even one second. Not a single second goes by where I, Carl Paladino, am not obsessing over sweaty gay men laughing, thrusting, and gyrating on each other, muscles and genitalia bulging every which way, whispering Carl, Carl Carl...

Ayyyyyy fuggedaboutit! He's freakin' Carl Paladino, not some pussy faggot like yous freaks.

"I just think my children and your children would be much better off and much more successful getting married and raising a family, and I don't want them brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality is an equally valid and successful option - it isn't."

Soz, I went ahead and got me two families to prove my God-blessed heterosexuality!

But that's not alllllllll!

So long as their money's still green and credit card's plastic, Paladino over here is still more than happy to make a quick buck off the queer freaks as Buffalo's gay club kingpin and personal landlord to all bar-hopping boy-seeking-boy types! He's no bigoted homophobe!

New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino, who doesn't care for those Speedo-wearing gays and their gyrating, actually used to rent space to two gay nightclubs in Buffalo. His son even ran one, Cobalt, Buffalo's onetime "gay club of the moment."

Carl Paladino freakin' loves the gays, got it?

And all those awful anti-gays things he's been saying to Brooklyn Super Jews and former Hooters waitress on Fox News? Well, he didn't mean any of it, really.

Of course he didn't mean "gays were lesser human beings" because they're gross and God hates them or anything, but simply that homosexuality is not an "equally valid and successful option" because of all the discrimination gay people face, especially from vulgar Teabagger pricks desperate to pick up the racist/homophobe/beastiality vote.

He sensitizes with the sick freaks, hell even his own nephew is one of them speedo-wearing, hip grinding deviants, and you don't see Carl marching over to his house, trying to smack some heterosexual sense into the poor bastard!

I am Carl Paladino, a father, a husband, a builder and a business owner. I am neither perfect, nor a career politician. I have made mistakes in this campaign - I have made mistakes all my life- as we all have. I am what I am - a simple man who works hard, trusts others, and loves his family and fears for the future of our State...
My personal beliefs are:
1) I am a live and let live person.
2) I am 100% against discrimination of any group. I oppose discrimination of any kind in housing, credit, insurance benefits or visitation.
3) I am 100% against hate crimes in any form.
4) I am in support of civil agreements and equal rights for all citizens.
5) My position on marriage is based on my personal views. I have the same position on this issue as President Barrack Obama. I have previously stated I would support a referendum by New York voters. I have proposed Initiative and Referendum so New Yorkers can decide important issues like this.
6) The portrayal of me as anti-gay is inconsistent with my lifelong beliefs and actions and my prior history as an father, employer and friend to many in the gay and lesbian community.
I am concerned with the future for all our citizens, gay, straight, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish and Muslim and Agnostic. If elected as your governor I will stand and fight for all gay New Yorkers rights...Please go to my website www.paladinoforthepeople.com to learn more detail about the issues including my staunch support for civil rights for all New Yorkers.

Including the right to view all the horse-on-chick porn your puritan heart desires. So the moral of the story is this: Gays, meet your new best friend and fiercest defender Carl PaladinObama.

Countdown 'til Carl Paladino comes skipping out of the closet in a tight black speedo, stiletto heels, and hot pink boa singing RuPaul's "You Better Work" a cappella, snapping his fingers fiercely across his body and blowing air kisses every which way, 3...2...1...NOW!

Christine O'Donnell Is Full Of Ideas, Like Why America Needs More Masturbation-Hating, Meatball-Loving Witches In Their Congress!

Delaware's most cherished expert on witchcraft, scientifically engineered human mice geniuses, and fearless crusader for masturbation-free puritans across America, Christine O'Donnell, may be too good to touch her own sinful private place between her legs, but she is certainly not above pretending to have received various degrees from hoity toity accredited institutions like Oxford and Yale, instead of her real, framed GED from the First Internet Clown School of America, currently adorning her office wall.

O’Donnell’s LinkedIn bio page lists “University of Oxford” as one of the schools she attended, claiming she studied “Post Modernism in the New Millennium.” But it turns out that was just a course conducted by an institution known as the Phoenix Institute, which merely rented space at Oxford. 

Phew! Because if there's anything Congress doesn't need it is another intelligent, liberal elitist who doesn't even need to pretend their college degree came from a real, elitist university instead of a blood vow from the Grand High Witch at some abandoned satanic altar on the outskirts of Wilmington.

Thank heavens, America finally has a real Teabagging patriot (of MTV & the free market), free from the terrible burden of having actual knowledge about anything, but especially the evil, liberal lies that come with one of 'em real Ivy League educations, to restore moral values and sanity back to the big, bad gubmint. Like the preposterous notion that humans came from disgusting apes in Africa, when any bleepin' fool could tell ya God sprang mortals straight from the holy, life-creating tip of Adam's miraculous rib. Duh!

But earning a PhD in both the evils of masturbation and “Post Modernism in the New Millennium” (sounds sexy, even if it doesn't actually mean anything!) aren't the only things Miss Christine O'Donnell brings to the congressional table. No sir-ee!

She also happens to be a renowned religious scholar who has "dabbled" in all the world's great religions, such as Witchcraft and that weird, Western interpretation of Hinduism, where you shave your head and beg for spare change while chanting & dancing at the airport, Hare Krishna or whatever. But sadly, much like her brief "Buddhism" phase, that too proved too difficult for Christine, who simply could not give up her delicious meals of dead animal flesh smothered in real, thick American gravy, even if it was for like God and enlightenment 'n stuff.

"I was dabbling into every other kind of religion before I became a Christian. I was dabbling in witchcraft, I've dabbled in Buddhism. I would have become a Hare Krishna but I didn't want to become a vegetarian. And that is honestly the reason why -- because I'm Italian, I love meatballs!"

I mean c'mon, the woman can only deny herself so much pleasure at a time! It's one thing to say no to the terrible, immoral, baby making, male genitalia kind of meatballs, but give up warm, homemade, delicious, zesty Italian herbs 'n spice rolled into a delectable beef, pork, or lamb balls of yummy, God-approved orgasm?? As if!!

After all, she didn’t kill whatever animal Grandma's meatballs comes from! So, screw you Krishna!?

Of course, some meany Democrats and elitists with functioning brains like Op-Ed columnist for the Communist rag The New York Times, Frank Rich, know O'Donnell is more than just "pure comic gold, or a bottomless trove of baldfaced lies, radical views and sheer wackiness."

Whatever her other talents, she’s more than willing to play the role of useful idiot for her party. She gives populist cover to the billionaires and corporate interests that have been steadily annexing the Tea Party movement and busily plotting to cash in their chips if the G.O.P. prevails.

Ooooh, hopefully the kind of "Useful Idiot" whose résumé has proved largely fictional, has had trouble finding a job, holding on to a home and paying her taxes, but famously renounced her former sluttiness to become the anti-masturbation, moral patrol crusader, Republican congressional candidate, and adorable, new face of the fake grassroots group run by billionaire fascist freaks known as the Tea Party.

But in Christine's defense, playing the part of a clown on a broomstick does run in her family. It's in her genes, even!

"We were a big noisy family with a lot of backyard skits and carnivals,” said O’Donnell, whose mother, Carole, called her Chrissy the Pooh and whose father, Daniel, worked a series of small television roles before scoring his signature gig — playing Bozo the Clown.

But clownery and ridding the world of masturbation, one horny, fallen teen at a time, aren't the only things that course through Christine's pure white, Wiccan blood!

Sure, a lot of people say she is just another Palin-sponsored maniac, which is of course true, but what you may not know, is Christine O’Donnell is also a scholar who "enjoys intellectual pursuits, lifelong learning, and is interested in ideas," at least according to some random grad student, B. Griffin, who apparently taught Christine’s Postmodernism class at fake Oxford, and shares a name suspiciously similar to the animated dog on Family Guy.

That's right! So, the talking, cartoon canine/instructor of O'Donnell's Oxford course three-week Phoenix Institute program says Christine is "interested in ideas," in the same way that meatballs are an "idea," if not just, a great way to enjoy your favorite animal flesh in convenient, portable ball-form.

What else did this Bruce W. Griffin character write in his own Pulitzer-worthy letter of recommendation for Christine?

Christine O’Donnell would bring to the US Senate a deepened commitment to the philosophical convictions of the Founding Fathers at a time when the philosophical bankruptcy of too many leaders is mirrored in the economic bankruptcy of the federal government. She would surely add intellectual and philosophical depth to a Senate that at this point in its history badly needs both."

OMG, totes!

So rejoice America! Because, while the lame DEMONcrats are too dumb and elitist to pretend to go to some Socialist European brainwashing "university" like Oxford, not to mention, too impatient to watch mountain gorillas instantly morph into fully evolved human beings, the beautiful, brilliant, former Hare Krishna/Buddhist witch Christine O'Donnell will bravely lie to your face, while spreading Liberty and Ideas in the form of rolled, perfectly seasoned, balls of meat all over this great land, through her pristine, mint condition, never-touched vagina.

Can you say, Broomsticks/Meatballs 2012!?

Delaware's O'Donnell Disaster Doesn't Believe In Masturbation Or Climate Change, Just The Power Of The Lord, Sarah Palin, To Make Her Senator

Rep. Mike Castle (R-DE) Stands Alone

Eh, now turns out Castle's actually not standing at all anymore, thanks to Sarah Palin endorsed doomed candidate and anti-masturbation crusader Christine O' Donnell, the born again, slightly less adorable, substantially more crazy hell version of that cute Circle of Friends/Scent of a Woman actor with the same namesake minus the "tine," who defeated (Teabagged?) longtime Delaware congressman, moderate Rep. Mike Castle to claim the Republican Senate nomination, as the Party's biggest mistake since that snow bunny Sarah first sleighed her way into our hearts and unleashed a Celestial Seasonings Tsunami upon the unsuspecting nation. Hooray!

Thank you, Abstinence Jeebus!

Because now with the woman who puts the "Christ" in "Christine" and uses the power of the Lord to conquer the lustful sin of masturbation, O'Donnell in, and Mike Castle out, the Democrats are poised to snag Joe Biden’s old Senate seat, previously considered a Republican lock right from the GOP's pure, masturbation-free hands!

But that's not all! No sir-ee!

Now that the moderate, intelligent, long-serving, mentally sane Republican Mike Castle has been unceremoniously tossed out of Delaware by pitchfork wielding patriots, in favor of a perennially-losing trainwreck with nice tits, no qualifications, and a laundry list of crazy-as-a-motherf**ker moments, there is not a single Republican candidate for Senate left who believes in human-caused climate change or supports action to limit global warming pollution. Yay!

I repeat: With the sole Republican believer in global warming, Mike Castle, now officially Teabagged out of the race, there is not a single candidate left on the GOP slate (vying for one of the 37 Senate seats in 2010) who actually believes in climate change as a real, powerful threat the United States must act to combat or face disastrous global consequences.

You betcha!!

Even previously sane, former Republican climate advocates Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) and Rep. Mark Kirk (R-IL) have decided to toss their brains, along with their souls, out of the Overton Window, and join the rest of the Grand Old Pretenders who know that global warming is nothing more than an elitist conspiracy between hippie dippie liberals and the entire international scientific community to keep Real Americans from drilling baby drilling America's once-pristine, water-based coastal shores into deliciously lucrative (albeit toxic) oil & dead wildlife-filled wastelands, like God intended.

I mean, if He cared about polar bears soooooo much, maybe He should have made 'em a little less choosy, and a little more suited to assembly line work in Indonesia. Hmmm, ever think about that, ya spoiled, ungrateful Arctic brats!

But inhabitable Earth or not, Christine O' Donnell is accepting her nomination and has all the best people in America to thank: the 9/12 nuts, Teabaggers, the Tea Party Express, Birthers, Oathers, Truthers, and the rest of Real, Normal Americans who know God created the world in six days, rested on the seventh, and reserved a special place in hell for those who touch their "sinful place" down there where babies are made.

Here's a quick review of Christine O’Donnell’s fantastic nuttiness, from Reason‘s Michael C. Moynihan:

"And the intellectual case against O’Donnell is overwhelming. A précis for those who have avoided the Delaware drama: O’Donnell lied about attending a Master’s degree program at Princeton University; claimed that her political enemies are creeping in the bushes outside her house; is opposed to the sinister habit of masturbation; is a supporter of the “ex-gay” movement, despite the inconvenient revelation that her former staffer Wade Richards “returned” to homosexuality and denounced those peddling “cures” for his sexuality; filed a $6 million lawsuit against the conservative group ISI for “gender discrimination”; was denounced by her former campaign manager as a “fraud” who uses campaign donations to pay rent and utility bills; and has implied that her Republican opponent is gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that."(Except, of course, the vengeful wrath of God and eternal damnation come Judgment Day, but other than that, okie dokie!)

And that's only the tip of the iceberg, or shall I say, magic cone of frozen Jesus tears, for the lovely, chronically unemployed Sarah Palin II, Christine O' Donnell, lover of God, Country, Morality, and of course, like her mentor, "sexy librarian" glasses, local news anchor hair-helmet, and obligatory '80s style color blazer complete with shoulder pads.

She's so good, decent, and pure, she wouldn't even lie to protect Jews (wait, those are the horned ones right?) during World War II (“Anne Frank? Oh, you mean that girl that lives in the attic?”) because “deception” is immoral. Either way, it’s a moot question, O’Donnell says, because “God would provide a way to do the right thing,” save for His li'l 4-year Spring Break between the years 1941-1945, when y'all were on your own, and it was every mortal for himself, while El Savior got drunk, tan, and laid on a beach in Daytona.

And now that she’s an official Sarah Palin Teabagger clone, O’Donnell doesn’t “believe” in anything either 'cept bein' on the teevee, and wearing the official Mama Grizzly uniform, right down to the winkin' sexy 'stead of speakin' sensey!

At this point, voting GOP is like voluntarily throwing yourself, and your family, in front of a fast moving train. Then again, if people don't vote for the clinically insane Grand Ol' Frauds, Sharron Angle will be forced to use second amendment remedies, and her special ability to turn-incestuously raped-and-impregnated-teenage-girl lemons-into-refreshingly-zesty-lemon-meringue-pie to fix the situation. After all, it is God's plan, that the Republicans Teabaggers be in power.

While it's true that some Tea Party-backed Senate candidates — like Marco Rubio in Florida and Rand Paul in Kentucky — have more than a decent shot to actually win their races, sadly the same cannot be said for Ms. Jesus Christine O' Donnell.

As New York Times blogger and stats wizard Nate Silver points out:

"While Mr. Rubio has charisma (that winning wingnut smile!), and Mr. Paul has the advantage of running in a state in which President Obama (and also black people & civil rights) is very unpopular, neither of those advantages would hold for someone like Ms. O’Donnell, whose nomination would represent a clear setback for Republican chances of taking over the Senate. But few voters in either party seem in much mood for measuring their risk."

HAHA, risk, what risk? There's no risk when it's God's plan that the inmates take over the asylum!

America's Special People & Living Warnings Against The Dangers Of KFC Arrive For Beckapalooza

Hark, ye caffeinated patriots of the revolution! Rise up, err, or umm remain seated, ye lardbottoms on your ridiculous scooters, paid for by NObama's Socialist Medicare, so you can stay politically active while remaining aerobically inactive, like true freedom fighters fulfilling MLK's dream of equality and saturated-fat clogged arteries.

Woohoo!

On this most historic, miraculous God & Glenn-blessed event in the history of the United States of America, when loyal patriots of fast food chains and freeDUMB come scooting, limping, and waddling from sea to shining sea to fill the nation's capital with liberty and justice for all...intellectually barren and/or physically immobile bigots. Hooray!

But just what is Glenn Beck's rally really all about, other than restoring honor in the form of oversized, sequined Dr. Seuss hats??

By the looks of it, America seems to be a proud nation of obese white men and women who've either been religiously (CHRISTIAN, we hope) applying 75 SPF sunblock or been living in the parts of the nation that do not receive direct sunlight, such as underground bunkers or perhaps one of Dick Cheney's various fallout shelters scattered beneath the Earth's crust. Yes sir-ee, this fine crew looks ready to help their weeping prophet Glenn Beck "Restore Honor" by confirming every ugly stereotype about a ruined nation filled with dumb white trash waving Chinese-made American flags and lugging industrial-size coolers filled with corn syrup and lard.

But how else will God's golden-haired messenger Glenn Lee Beck and lipstick wearing legend of the Snowy North go about fixin' America, and saving this once-glorious nation, now that's its been overrun by elitist communists of many colors, not just pure snow Jesus white?

Perhaps by gathering the nation's elderly, plopping them in lawn chairs, and witnessing the picturesque vision of our nation’s Soviet Capitol teeming with beautiful wheelchair and scooter-bound heroes dressed up like our founding fathers and proudly waving banners that reflect true American values like "Buy Gold!" "No Buttsecks...Or Health Care For Poors!" "My Body, Your Choice," and "Got Tea?"

How about hanging some Nuremberg-style banners (with a hopey-changey NObama-y theme??) along with some homemade posters with childish caricatures of the Lincoln Memorial, to block that hideous actual Lincoln Memorial, lest it distract from the radiant beauty of Glenn Beck or any other pale, pudgy patriots channeling God's divinity and the dreams of historic black civil rights leaders by turning them into actual nightmares.

Or perhaps just the terrifying hallucinations of a syphilitic brain??

I Went To Glenn Beck's Rally, All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt

Uh oh, looks like all of this man's racist shirts that actually make sense were at the dry cleaners. Oh, and for the record, it's "Mauritania," dipshit.

Speaking of...

The New New Colossus

Oh Lady Lad of Liberty:

"Give me your tired, your poor (hygiene included?), Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free (of respirators!), The wretched refuse of your teeming shore (check!). Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Or Dr. Glenn Lee Beck's "Honor Restored" version:

"Give me your ignorant, your stupid, Your huddled fatsos yearning to buy Bacon double cheeseburgers & The Overton Window. Send these, the homeless (or trailer park dwellers), Texas-toast to me, I lift (with arthritic arms) my zippo beside the gold-plated coin!"