Newt Gingrich Knows The Real Tragedy In Trayvon Martin's Murder Is That A Black Man Is President

While Fox News America was busy mourning the death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin by blaming the usual suspects like hooded sweatshirts and bags of skittles, instead of say, racist, heavily-armed, self-appointed, white supremacist neighborhood watchmen with nothing better to do than hunt down and kill black teenagers for sport, other people like President Barack Obama decided to get all self-reflective, and who knows, maybe even learn something from this terrible, senseless tragedy.

Ugh, the nerve!

“I can only imagine what these parents are going through,” President Obama said, adding that he couldn’t help but think about his daughters. “I think every parent in America should be able to understand why it is absolutely imperative that we investigate every aspect of this.

“My main message is to the parents of Trayvon Martin,” Obama added. “If I had a son, he’d look like Trayvon. I think they are right to expect that all of us as Americans are going to take this with the seriousness it deserves and we’re going to get to the bottom of exactly what happened.”

Not if oversized troll and Great White Hope Newt Gingrich has anything to say about it. Which he naturally does, in the most offensive and self-aggrandizing way possible. After all, someone's got to look out for all the little people in this great nation of ours who had the misfortune to not be born black!

“What the president said, in a sense, is disgraceful,” Gingrich said on Sean Hannity's radio show. (Because the president is black? No. Because the president is racist? Yes.)

“It’s not a question of who that young man looked like. Any young American of any ethnic background should be safe, period. We should all be horrified no matter what the ethnic background." (Except hoodie-American.)

“Is the president suggesting that if it had been a white who had been shot, that would be OK because it didn’t look like him." (No, you fucking moron, the president is suggesting that had Trayvon been white he would NOT have BEEN shot in the first place!)

"That’s just nonsense dividing this country up." (No, that's you!)

"It is a tragedy this young man was shot." (For the bullets.)

"It would have been a tragedy if he had been Puerto Rican or Cuban or if he had been white or if he had been Asian American of if he’d been a Native American." (Not if there were hoodies involved, cause then they'd totally have asked for it. Remember, it's not about the color of the skin, it's about the cloth that covers it!)

"At some point, we ought to talk about being Americans." (Snuggies 'n snooki, y'all!)

"When things go wrong to an American, it is sad for all Americans." (Even sociopathic ones, like Newt).

"Trying to turn it into a racial issue is fundamentally wrong." (Make that sociopathically wrong). "I really find it appalling.”

Almost as appalling as pretending an unarmed black boy being shot down in cold blood by a lunatic white nutjob with a long history of harrassing unsuspecting blacks wandering into his neighborhood who may or may not have said "fucking coons" during his 911 call, is anything but a racial issue.

Or for that matter, that a bloated, white, egomaniac abandoning his cancer-stricken wife while she's laid up in a hospital bed for a younger, prettier, less-diseased new wifey is anything but an asshole issue.

Newt Gingrich Would Like To Wish You A Happy Valentine's Day By Ruining It Completely

It's Valentine's Day and naturally there's only one thing on everyone's mind: What hot, romantic, sexytime plans does ladykiller Newt Gingrich have for his beautiful, cancer (and brain!)-free third wife Callista?

Will he shower her with lavish Tiffany diamonds he can't afford? Will he feed her the finest chocolates from around the world? Haha, just kidding, everyone knows the only sweet delectables the Gingriches put in their mouths are made right here in the ol' Jesus-and-prosperity-blessed US of A, if delicious heart-shaped treats are still allowed in the vast COMMIE wasteland that is OBAMA's America.

But before Newt can do what he probably hasn't done in years, which is of course, to bed the alien woman he is actually married to, he must first satisfy his bloodthirsty lust to crush and devour anything and everything in his path, including flaming Godless liberals and their flaming Godless (*cough* Mormon *cough*) BFF Mittens Romney.

Like every other once-hope-and-love filled, now-toxic-and-grotesque thing Newt touches, his Valentine's Day well-wishes quickly transformed into his Valentine's Day massacre, aka, his new attack website, Liberals Love Romney.

There he points out all the little-known truths about how Romney and all his various liberal manfriends are all secret Muslim terrorists who do weird, secret homo things while plotting their ultimate dream of forcing every man, woman and child on Earth to get an abortion while masturbating with the holy bible.

Newt's got all the usual suspects, Barack Obama, George Soros, Saul Alinsky (gasp!), Al Gore, and ARGGH, OMG, wait, what is that weird looking thing next to him, oh right a woman. Gross, get that baby-producing, ovary-filled freak out of here before all the men start having weird things like feelings flutter through their perfectly stoic, emotionless bodies.

If Newt's lunatic site is any indication, looks like it's gonna be a lovely Valentine's for Mitt Romney. But what's about Newt's own heart-shaped box of love? Inquiring Insane minds would like to know! Warning: the following may induce nasea, vomiting, and an uncontrollable urge to rip your eyes and/or ears out of your head.

“What are you going to do for your beautiful wife tomorrow on Valentine’s Day?” a woman attending a Hispanic fundraiser asked the candidate. People in the audience hooted audibly.

Almost (but not quite) embarrassed, Gingrich looked around to supporters on stage and joked, “After that question, I need something a little stronger than water.”

“All I can promise you is that I believe she will quite happy tomorrow night,” he continued. “And we’re going to have a nice, little private – I think the first time in a while, we have a private dinner, and just hopefully exchange gifts and, you know, reconnect a little bit, but she’s uh — “ Gingrich paused as cheers could be heard from the crowd, “You know?” A man behind him on the stage smiled knowingly.

Ummm, frigid as the winter air on the moon??

The candidate, grinning, held his hands up, “But I’m not going to get into — no more details!”

WHAT?? NOOOOOO! NO FAIR! Now we'll never get to hear all about the lovely, deliciously romantic whole suckled pig they feasted on before calling it an evening and retiring to their separate bedrooms to be with the one person they love more than anything else in the whole world: themselves.

Rick Santorum would be so proud!

People Of The Sunshine State: Sarah Palin Urges America To Rage Against The Machine (& All Rational Thought) And Make Newt The Man

Former reality teevee star and failed vice-president, governor, political pundit, mother, grifter, fame whore, EVERYTHING, Sarah Palin, took a break from the usual Facebook trolling and illiterate Tweeting to continue her bizarre quest endorsing Newt Gingrich because of some on-again, off-again, leftist hard rock band from the '90s. Or something like that.

Here's Mama Grizz herself telling resident Fox News muppet and Fran Drescher wannabe Jeanine Pirro all the wonderful reasons why Newt Gingrich is the right man, not machine, for the job.

"When both party machines and many in the media are trying to crucify Newt Gingrich for bucking the tide and bucking the establishment that tells you something."

It does?? Like that he'll buck just about anything, including his cancer and MS-stricken wives, respectively?

Urging people to “rage against the machine,” Palin continued, “Vote for Newt. Annoy a liberal. Vote Newt. Keep this vetting process going, keep the debate going.”

You hear that people? Keep the debate going! Right into the gutter. It's fun, plus you get to RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE and ANNOY A LIBERAL, all in one fell swoop, err, make that one fell Newt!

Because nothing would annoy (and by annoy, we of course mean, delight) liberals more than the good people of Florida voting a thrice married, twice divorced, faux intelligent, serial adultering, shamelessly amoral huckster who may or may not have secretly promised Sarah Palin a cabinet position in his fantasy moon colony, the winner of the Florida Republican primary.

NOTHING! Well, except maybe Zack de la Rocha and Tom Morello spitting rhymes and shredding chords at this year's Coachella in honor of everyone's fave mooniacs, Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin.

With a special set-list including such hits as:

Bull(shit) On Parade
People Of The Sun Moon
Sleep Now In The (Eternal Hell) Fire
Killing In The Name (of Jesus Christ)
No Shelter (for Mexicans)
(Dead) Guerrilla Radio
How I Could Just Kill a Man (with a 9mm Hollow-Point Bullet)
FreeDUMB
Testify (Against a Liberal Activist Judge)
Renegades of DysFunktion
Vietnow (and Forever)

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE, Florida people.

Newt Gingrich Wins South Carolina, Reminding America Why It's South Carolina In The First Place

Well, well, that was faster than dumping an ex-wife in the cancer ward! Whining, bloated, real life Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and serial adultering sac of ethics violations Newt Gingrich has just been declared the Big Wiener of the South Carolina Confederate Republican primary. Hooray! Now all of America can experience the amphibeous-named, Tiffany bling-encrusted, white-capped mountain of sleaze that is Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich. Let's just hope America has been drinking their açaí berry shakes and practicing their sun salutations because otherwise Newt will do to America what he's done to everything else he's ever loved: move on to the next younger, hotter CUNTry. Oops, Country, I mean Country!

So while the Big Newt, err, make that the Big News of the day is that a white, womanizing, racist asshole takes the bacon in the wonderful State where the Civil War started (crazy, I know!), those who don't reside in The Palmetto State, or as it's more commonly known, North Carolina's redheaded stepchild, can still feel a part of the wingnut political process, thanks to the boldest, tackiest, NSFW-iest political gear to hit the market this election year. Perfect for the crazed Teabagging asshole in your life! Wear one to your next (and last!) job interview and let the whole world know which appendage Uncle Sam can suck, without having to say a word!

And proudly wear your hate on your sleeve! Because if there's one thing people who like terrible, offensive polticial t-shirts looooove it is hating immigrants. Not like your average, milky white, red freckled, O'Sullivan or O'Reilly from Dublin. Remember, "immigrants" is Republican for "Mexicans," as is any other brown-skinned persons of broad latino descent born south of Brownsville, Texas.

The other general rule of thumb for people who purchase this type of political attire is a blind, albeit almost pathological hatred of President Barack Obama. This hate must be so strong that it bends the rules of logic, physics, grammar, the universe, and comparison-making. Obama is Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedong, Che Guevera, Pol Pot, the Joker from Batman, Bill Cosby, Uncle Tom, King Kong, Godzilla, Aunt Jemima, every black stereotype ever (here's looking at you Buckwheat!), a dork, dweeb, nerd, liar, elitist, secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist, and of course, a shit sandwich, as these t-shirts so tastefully prove. The best part? These tees come in a variety of exciting, PC colors like Sanchez Brown, Drunken Irish, Funeral Black, Blue Balls, Period Red, Pussy Pink, Blow White, and Bong Ash so you can you can look your best while being the worst!

Ugh, you know what really grinds wingnuts' gears? When gross smart people run the government! With their elitist knowledge and intelligence. It's enough to make a person sick! What America needs isn't more "community organizers" or hoity-toity "college graduates." Hell no! What it needs is a bunch of toothless, drunk, heavily armed, high school dropouts to make America great again by expelling all the Messicans and gays while bombing the bejesus out of as many foreign, oil-rich Muslim countries as their GED brains can think of. Next stop, Arabia!

Nothing screams sexy like an angry, naked Mama Grizz mounting Nancy Pelosi from behind, locked in a full nelson, and forced to submit to a woman elected to a position for which she isn't even running. Women's Rights are so 2008! Sarah Palin/Horny Men 2012! You betcha!

¡Ay, caramba! This shirt ordering all illegals to SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH is great except for the one tiny, little thing: the shirt is written in FUCKING ENGLISH! Though, extra bonus racist points for hot girl's middle finger. The universal language for junior high school kids to let the whole world know they just don't give a F*CK 'bout nothin! Except of course, poorly spoken, grammatically incorrect, AMERICAN JESUS ENGLISH.

Ummm, I don't know about you, but Vanilla Ice threatening to rip my eyeballs out and have sex with my empty orbital sockets is enough to keep me from setting Old Glory ablaze anytime soon. Mission Accomplished!?

Oh, yeaaaaah! Every dad who purchases this badboy is pretty much guaranteeing that his daughter will eventually end up dating Mary Cheney. Or Chaz Bono. Or, God forbid, Marcus Bachmann! **Shudder**

So get your awesome wingnut tee today and let the whole world know, "Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech" what happens when bad decision-making meets 40 ounces of malt liquor deep in the middle of Bumblefuck, USA, like oh, I don't know, say, South Carolina.

Freedom's a bitch, y'all!

Two Bombs Don't Make A Right: The Only Similarity Between Newt Gingrich's Campaign & Pearl Harbor Is The Pricey New Tiffany Pearls Draped Around Callista's Neck

In what likely shattered dreams of a Merry Christmas for countless Americans from sea to shining sea, the Republican Party of Virginia announced that Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich was offically disqualified from the Virginia primary ballot because he was having too much fun running for president of dumb, meaningless teevee debates to be bothered to run for actual president of the United States and submit the 10,000 signatures that the state requires to qualify.

Umm, ooopsies?

Now, most people would probably attribute such a massive misstep to the obvious managerial ineptitude and organizational failure, but then again most people are not Newt Gingrich, and don't have a delusional sense of self-worth nor an ego the size of their own impossibly thick, dense head.

No, no, the much more likely explanation is that Virginia, like Japan before it, had decided to pull a Pearl Harbor on Newt by kamikaze bombing his campaign not letting him on the ballot for fascism for not following the rules like every other semi-competent candidate.

Newtclear Meltdown In Virginia: A Gaffe That Will Live In Infamy!

From The Hill:

“Newt and I agreed that the analogy is December 1941,” campaign director Michael Krull wrote on the Gingrich Facebook page. “We have experienced an unexpected set-back, but we will re-group and re-focus with increased determination, commitment and positive action. Throughout the next months there will be ups and downs; there will be successes and failures; there will be easy victories and difficult days – but in the end we will stand victorious.”

If you mean victorious in presiding over, quite possibly, the most bumbling, asinine, idiotic, disastrous presidential campaign in recent memory, then congratulations, Newt, you win!

You always did have a knock for bombing!

But don't feel too bad, Newty! Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Rick Santorum all also proved too inept to hand in enough signatures on time, so you're not the only one prohibited from gracing Virginia's pristine ballot boxes.

After all, Virginia is for lovers, not fatass, adulterous losers.

An honest mistake. Unlike Newt! Errr, at least the honest part.

[image via WeaselZippers]

Newt Gingrich & Herman Cain To Compete In "Modified Lincoln-Douglas Debate," In That They Only Use 3/5ths Of Their Brains

Grab your Gideons, prep your muskets, sharpen your bayonets, throw on your colonial best and head on down to Houston, Texas for the can't-miss event of the year, the clash of two GOP presidential titans Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich. Wait, did I say can't miss?? Haha silly me! I meant can't watch, since no television network wants to touch that shit with a ten foot pole, forcing those who wish to watch two psychos prattle on about electrocuting Messicans, the tyranny of affordable health care, and why corporations are people but poors aren't, to use heave their obese, diabetic bodies into Humvees, pickup trucks, and Socialist Medicaire scooters and make the trek themselves! Now, that's some good, old fashioned American can-do spirit right there!

And much like Newt Gingrich's third mistress-turned-wife's penchant for Tiffany diamonds and Herman Cain's 999 tax plan/Godfathers pizza daily deal-o-rama, this Tea Party Patriot-sponsored Texas two-step don't come cheap!

General admission for what is being billed as a "modified Lincoln–Douglas debate," the modification, one can only assume, being that they both argue in favor of slavery, costs $200, although the price includes a slice of “good ole apple pie,” because apparently black walnuts is something Republicans want to elect president not use as filling for a round, deliciously moist, flaky pie.

"Then there’s the 'Patron Ticket,' which costs $500. Patron-level purchasers will get 'prime seating' and admission to a Nite Cap party after the debate, as well as a chance to mingle with the candidates over drinks and hors d’oerves afterward."

Oooh, as long as they are unregulated, uninspected, and untainted by dirty government hands (salmonella, she is a beauty), count me in!

"Top-level donors will pay $1,000 for the best seating in the house (panic room?), a special room at the Woodlands Resort in Houston for the Nite Cap party, and a 'professional picture' taken with the candidates."

By professional picture, I assume they mean gagged, bound, and forced into a naked pyramid complete with a dog leash around your neck, and your choice of semi-automatic weapon nudging you into position. Nothing says fun like an M16 Caliber 5.56 mm in your backside.

Or for those looking for something a little spicier, how about a nice slice of Godfather's latest, greatest culinary creation, Hot 'n Spicy Tex Mex pizza in honor of Herman Cain's similarly themed, similarly brilliant electrified border fence immigration policy: refried Mexicans.

"Students can get in for $150, but those tickets are sold out."

Funny, so did the students!!

So, the Texas Tea Party Patriots will host, blue-eyed nutjob Rep. Steve King will moderate (aka grunt, wink, and cheer when appropriate like talk of poor people dying, gay soldiers proudly serving their country, or the delightful execution Texas inmates), and Lincoln-Douglas will likely turn over in their graves as these two idiots take turns debating who loves Reagan 'n Jesus the most.

In background conversations, both campaigns say they look forward to the discussion. A source close to Gingrich tells the National Review that the former speaker will speak at length about his policy proposals and will, "in a friendly way," illustrate his differences with Cain.
"We initially wanted a forum with all of the candidates," O'Sullivan says. "But when we heard Gingrich say he wanted a more serious debate, like the Lincoln–Douglas debates, we wanted to do that, especially since watching the recent superficial debates has been frustrating."

Only if you value sanity, rationality, sensibility, intelligence and the ability to formulate a coherent sentence. So what the hell is the Republicans' problem with it?

Gingrich has been a long-time proponent of the Lincoln-Douglas debate style, because it gives candidates more time to have a detailed policy discussion. Gingrich has repeatedly said that if he were the Republican nominee, he would challenge President Obama to seven three-hour Lincoln-Douglas style debates.

Which is about 21 hours longer than necessary to reveal Newton's complete lack of knowledge on the workings of the federal government!

Either way, the important thing to remember is that on November 5th, Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich will return to that kindler, gentler time circa 1858 when a man was a man, and a black man was his property!

So how much would I pay to see this so-called modern-day Lincoln-Douglas debate?

Let's see, is there anything smaller than absolute zero? Ah yes, of course, Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich's combined IQs!

[image via AP]

Master Of Delusion Newt Gingrich Buys Fake Twitter Followers To Go Along With Everything Else In His Life

OMG, LOLZ. White-haired swamp creature and master of the Twittervirse Newt Gingrich's presidential campaign may be on life support, but unlike his first wife, that doesn't mean ol' Newt's going to leave it to die, cold and alone, on a hospital bed.

Sure, his campaign is over $1 million in debt, the perpetual butt of all late-night talk show jokes, and he is consistently polling several points below "no one/none of the above" among likely GOP voters, but there's still one place Newt shines brighter than one of the Callista's precious Tiffany's diamonds: Twitter!

It's true! Just look at the 1.3 million living, breathing, carbon-based, life forms following Sir Newton's 140-character nonsense declarations about what he ate for lunch (pizza) and why illegal secret Muslim terrorist Socialists from Kendonesia are waaaaay worse for America than serial adulterers who lie, steal, cheat, and marry alien women who eat luxury jewelry, not food, for sustenance.

Oh wait! Turns out that a whopping 92% of Newt's alleged Twitter followers are actually not real at all, but rather comprised of the same fictional stuff Newt's presidential dreams are made of.

A new report suggests that 92 percent of Newt Gingrich’s 1.3 million Twitter followers are not real. The networking search firm PeekYou, which has been trying to determine the quality of Twitter audiences, examined Gingrich’s account. The firm uses 23 criteria—including name, location, and inbound and outbound links—to figure out which online users are real or fake. After analyzing each of Gingrich’s followers, they determined that only 106,055, or 8 percent, were real people. A spokesman for the company said, “The huge majority of his followers are either completely anonymous people who have no other Web presence, or they are spambots.”

Ooooh, so that's what Callista is! Let's just hope he doesn't lose the start-up disk for her, or he's screwed.

According to one of the Newt's corporate bought spambots former staffers:

Newt employs a variety of agencies whose sole purpose is to procure Twitter followers for people who are shallow/insecure/unpopular enough to pay for them. As you might guess, Newt is most decidedly one of the people to which these agencies cater.
About 80 percent of those accounts are inactive or are dummy accounts created by various “follow agencies,” another 10 percent are real people who are part of a network of folks who follow others back and are paying for followers themselves (Newt’s profile just happens to be a part of these networks because he uses them, although he doesn’t follow back), and the remaining 10 percent may, in fact, be real, sentient people who happen to like Newt Gingrich. If you simply scroll through his list of followers you’ll see that most of them have odd usernames and no profile photos, which has to do with the fact that they were mass generated. Pathetic, isn’t it?

Pathetic? Only if you live in reality, my friend, only if you live in reality. Besides, I'm almost positive that @Tiffany's Accounting Department is a real follower.

Meanwhile, a Gingrich campaign aide blasted the list-rigging claim, tweeting that it was "a false accusation which will hurt the feelings of 1.3 million people. #rude."

Yes, were sure @041113846806103's feelings are very hurt. In fact, he's probably crying himself to sleep(mode) as we speak.

Newt Gingrich Is Very Sorry For His Climate Change Ad With Nancy Pelosi; Vows To Spend The Next Decade Destroying The Environment To Make Up For It

Pop quiz. What do you do when you're a pathetic, pandering, flailing Republican presidential candidate (a man can dream, can't he?) who in a rare fit of rational thought and courage joined the dark side and appeared in a video with commie leader Nancy Pelosi to urge the country to address the evil liberal lie known as climate change?

Kill yourself? (Please say yes, please say yes!) Reinvent reality to reflect the Grand Old Party's shift from sort-of crazy-but-still-believe-in-science to full-out-Michele-Bachmann-esque-batshit-crazy-who-believe-that-the-unprecedented-levels-of-violent-storms-hurricanes-droughts-famines-tornadoes-wildfires-isn't-from-man's-increased-industrialization-but-because-God-hates-the-homos?

Blame it on the ol' reliable standby, everyone's favorite vast left wing conspirator, the elitist, arugula-eating, no-good, Jew run media?

Oooh, oooh, I've got it! Pull some God-awful, lame-as-your-ridiculous presidential-campaign excuse out of your ass, and hope the voting public are as dumb as you think they are?

Precisely!

Here's Newt's response when asked about the 2008 ad for Al Gore's "We Can Solve It" campaign during an appearance on WGIR radio in New Hampshire:

I was trying to make a point that we shouldn't be afraid to debate the left, even on the environment, but obviously it was misconstrued, and it's probably one of those things I wouldn't do again.

Well duh!

Back in 2008 when he filmed this little badboy, it was still cool for Republicans to talk candidly about climate change and the environment.

Before abolishing the Environment Protection Agency and destroying Earth became a central issue of his "campaign," or sitting on a couch with Nancy Pelosi talking about trees and shit became the political equivalent of, say, coming out of the closet at a press conference and banging everyone of the same gender in the room with the cameras rolling.

Besides, what the hell is an "environment" anyway? Some hippie-dippie, feel-good kumbaya hogwash liberals made up to feel good about themselves?

Truth is, Newt doesn't even believe in climate change. Hell, he doesn't even believe in climate!

He believes in million dollar credit lines at Tiffany's for his beautiful, charming, third (soon-to-be-ex) trophy wife Callista.

Unlike this dumb planet (or Newt's marriages), diamonds are forever.

New York Says I Do To Gay Marriage, While Republicans Say I Don't To Any & All Rational Thought

OMG, people, GAY is now officially legal in New York!

They're here, they're queer, and they're coming to a gift registry near you!

Now that New York has reclaimed the mantle of progress and equality from it's once-hip, now tragically Mormon, Prop 8 populated friend, California, and become the sixth state to give those pesky gays the right to get married and become as miserable and lame as their heterosexual counterparts, what does this mean for the rest of us?

Should we be happy that freedom, liberty, equal protection under the law, and all the good stuff we looooove saying about America is finally, at least sort of true, instead of just some empty, meaningless, RAH RAH slogan that makes us feel good about ourselves?

Or is it really true what the Republicans have said during culture wars past?

That the biggest threat to America are nice gay and lesbian couples who already live together and share a bank account who would also like to be able to visit each other in the hospital and file joint tax returns and enjoy all the rest of the 1,400 plus rights and privileges afforded to normal, decent opposite sex married couples by destroying the sacred union of one Brittney Spears + one backup dancer + one Elvis impersonator in holy matrimony at the 24-hour Chapel 'O Love on the Vegas strip.

Not to mention all the other terrible things that are going to happen, thanks to "gay marriage," like all of New York's impressionable young children turning gay (wait, or is it artsy?) and everyone getting gay divorced, like the rest of the sacred, morally pure, Jesus approved, blessed unions with the proper penis-to-vagina ratios.

Amiright? Who's with me? Where my Republicans at?

Oh, looky here, it's America's #1 marriage sanctity expert, thrice-divorced white-haired wonder Newt Gingrich, giving his righteous opinion on proper marriage etiquette like the right way to leave your cancer-stricken wife for a much younger, much hotter, trophy wife you can parade around, not tend to while they lay dying in a hospital bed. Boring!

But, seriously, couldn't they just leave well enough alone?

“In our state, we’re going to continue to pursue civil unions,” first-term Republican New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said. “I am not a fan of same-sex marriage. It’s not something that I support.”

“I believe marriage should be between one man and one woman. I wouldn’t sign a bill like the one that was in New York.”

Unless, he added, it was thick sliced, piled high on warm, fresh baked artisan bread, smothered in cheese, slathered in mayonnaise, preferably chipotle spiced, and wrapped in hearty, thick-cut bacon, like the good Lord intended

Then maybe we could make an exception.

Besides, if all gross gays were allowed to get gross gay married wherever they so pleased, who knows what would happen next?

Michele Bachmann might never have been born because her mommy and daddy were too busy getting their same-sex on with the maid and gardener, respectively.

And then she would never have been popping babies out like a human pez dispenser, and adopting foster children the way you and I buy bulk paper towels at Costco.

Then maybe she could remember all the different voices in her head, so the next time she is asked about the gays getting married, she'll remember the correct answer is not that states can legalize gay marriage if they want to. Bad Michele Voice #2, Bad! But rather that America needs one of those federal constitutional amendments to stop the gays from gaying all over the place or trying to eat Michele with innocent questions in restrooms, or whatever it is they do.

But nooooooooo. Thanks to the pesky gays getting all gay marriagey, Michele Bachmann is forced to kick off her presidential campaign in Waterloo, Iowa, because of its geographic significance or just because she's an idiot.

"Well what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That's the kind of spirit that I have, too."

Unfortunately that spirit is less the "beloved movie star" John Wayne and more the "killer homosexual clown who raped and murdered 33 teenage boys in the 1970s," John Wayne Gacy.

Ah yes, fuck gay rights! The holy matrimony of infidelity, gluttony, and batshit insanity is a beautiful thing.

Unlike stupid, gross equality. That's just gay.

Newtiny On The Campaign Trail! Diamonds May Be Forever, But Newt Gingrich's Campaign Staff Sure As Hell Isn't

Oh no-zees! The Republicans' Great White Hope and leading intellectual of the intellectually bankrupt Grand Old Party of terrible ideas, Newt Gingrich is sure having a rough go at this whole "running for president" thing.

Oh, you forgot Newt Gingrich was running for President?? Haha, don't feel too bad, so did everybody else, including Newt's campaign manager and a half-dozen senior advisers.

It's true! Turns out, Newt's entire campaign staff decided it was high time to hook up with someone who has more than a snowball's chance in hell of actually getting the GOP nomination or, for that matter, a spot anywhere on the ticket.

And Lord knows, the thrice-divorced, gaffe-prone, glitter-covered Tiffany spokesman, Newton Leroy Gingrich is never going to be the nominee for president or vice-president of anything except maybe Hair Club for Men® who leave their cancer-stricken wives in hospital beds for a younger, hotter, hopefully healthier trophy wife.

The New York Times reports:

Newt Gingrich’s campaign manager and a half-dozen senior advisers resigned on Thursday, two aides said, dealing a significant setback to his bid to seek the Republican presidential nomination and severely complicating his plan to make a political comeback.

The campaign manager, Rob Johnson, along with advisers in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina, joined together to step down after a period of deep internal disagreements about the direction of the campaign.

Direction?? What direction? Unless you mean "straight down the tubes," there's never really been any direction to his campaign.

It's pretty much only been about the insane delusions of a man who shares the same name and qualities as a gross, slimy, occasionally poisonous, Salmonella carrying, bacteria laden creature that is only comfortable in the dark, dank recesses of the nearest swamp.

Senior staffers demanded that Gingrich focus on pressing the flesh and fundraising and stop touring the country promoting film projects with his wife. At one point Gingrich was so focused on film premiers and book signings, one senior staffer emailed the team: "We didn't sign up to be hucksters for products for sale."

Rick Tyler, the long-serving press aide to Newt Gingrich, said he and other advisers had become especially worried with the candidate’s decisions about how and when to campaign.

“The team that left had a different idea of what it would take to win,” Mr. Tyler said. “Everyone agreed there is a path to victory, but there was a disagreement about what that was.”

One thing was for certain though, it sure as hell isn't named Newt Gingrich.

Tyler said that Gingrich sometimes “puts unnecessary stumbling blocks in front of himself,” but added, “I hope he does well. He’s a great intellect. It’s sad. But it’s time to move on.”

After all, that's what you do when the person you love or campaign you're working on is suddenly stricken with cancer.

C'mon, it's not as if working for Newt all this time didn't teach them anything.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going....to the nearest luxury jeweler for an expensive new glittering pair of diamond earrings you can't afford.

It's the Golden Newton Rule!

All That Glitters Isn't Gold; In Newt's Case, He's Still Dull, White, & Old

Newt Gingrich sure has had a tough week!

First, poor ol' Newt was forced to apologize to Wisconsin Republican Rep. Paul Ryan for calling Ryan's insane, screw-the-old-people budget "radical" (which it is), and explain to one enraged Teabagger after another how terribly sorry he is for his meany words, almost as terribly sorry that it all but ended his presidential ambitions, however petty & ridiculous it may have been.

And if that weren't bad enough, some gay (gasp!) activist and serial prankster Robert Erickson dumped a box of twinkling party glitter on Newt's signature square head and white coif, shouting "Feel the rainbow! Stop the hate!" at a Minneapolis book signing to protest his hypocritical, less-than-enlightened stance on gays and to prove glitter is a more cost-effective way to be shiny than running up huge bills at elitist jewelry stores like Tiffany's.

But for some reason Newt and that weird, alien lady next to him, better known as Callista, or wonderful wifey #3, did not appreciate being glitter-bombed by some flaming fruit cake with a messenger bag or a message.

The glitter bandit was quickly pushed out of the room by an event organizer or employee of the vehemently anti-gay Minnesota Family Council and given what seemed to be a very firm, and very creepy, talking-to by the gentleman in a suit, as the rattled, newly sparkling, but otherwise unharmed Gingriches brushed confetti out of their laps and respective white "hairstyles."

Wait, all they did was remove the dude from the room and sternly shove him towards the elevator? Wow, talk about progress! This time last year, he'd be getting his head stomped on a sidewalk.

Guess things really do get better!

But either way, Newt's creepy, right-wing handler wants to know, "Have we ever disturbed one of your events?"

Ummm, well, let's see, you're trying to pass a state constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriages, stop gays from visiting their dying partners in hospitals, bar them from adopting children, or enjoying the same rights and privileges as straight couples, but other than that, you're right, you've never thrown assaulted gays with glitter!

Though, I'm sure Gabrielle Giffords would have much preferred being pumped with tiny scintillating pieces of confetti paper instead of those other things that typically load into 19mm Glocks.

Glitter: the best way to piss someone off without causing injury, death, or brain damage, just a sparkling shine and slightly irritated skin!

Besides, the clean up shouldn't be too bad. Something tells me Callista already volunteered to roll up a Tiffany's receipt and start snorting the glitter. That way, she can feel all sparkly on the inside, too!

Schemes From My Father: Newt Gingrich Knows Those Who "Understand" Obama Are Nothing More Than Radical, Kenyan Anti-Colonialists

Actual insane person and amphibeous swamp dweller Newt Gingrich has been searching all weekend for something, anything, to make himself finally look relevant again, ever since his crusade against Oval Office blow jobs came to a screeching halt back in 1999, when some dude with silver hair and a weird name singing about women's thongs ruled the charts, and some dude with white hair and a weird name preaching about presidents catching some under-the-table-love was on his way out of ruling the House.

So, like any washed up, power hungry, (ego)maniac desperately clinging to the glory days of the past, cute-as-a-salamander Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich delved deep into the internets, taking a break from his usual browsing of various dating sites for "new young women without cancer for affairs and maybe more," to seek the holy grail of demented Obama lies in the form of an obscure Forbes magazine article written by none other than esteemed right-wing nutjob andtoken, self-hating, brown, immigrant Republican, Dinesh D’Souza, to prove to America, once and for all, the real truth about a one Barack Hussein Obama/Barry Soetero.

But just what are these startling new facts unearthed by Dinesh D'Souza (the kind of dark person from another country you can trust, if you hate dark people from other countries) that 2012 GOP hopeful and newfound historian/scholar/journalist Newt Gingrich is calling "the most profound insight I have read in the last six years about Barack Obama." Oooh, sounds promising!

Drum roll please!

Barack Obama's central motivation is to weaken America, viewing it as an evil colonial power: "Incredibly, the U.S. is being ruled according to the dreams of a Luo tribesman of the 1950s. This philandering, inebriated African socialist, who raged against the world for denying him the realization of his anticolonial ambitions, is now setting the nation's agenda through the reincarnation of his dreams in his son."

Did you hear that, people? Barack Obama is ruining America in order to realize the socialist, anti-colonialist dreams of his drunk-driving, wife-beating polygamist African old man (who he barely knew), Barack Hussein Obama, Sr.,whose absence defined his young life more than anything else, en route to fulfilling the actual, not pulled out of Dinesh D'Souza's ass, dreams of his father to promote "a reformist accommodation and cooperation with the West, and do away with what he considered Kenya's flawed socialist economic model."

If you're the type of perosn who is blown away by utter and total nonsense culled from the possibly syphilitic-brain of Birthers and other raging madmen, then like Newton, you also probably find yourself asking this serious follow-up question:

"What if [Obama] is so outside our comprehension, that only if you understand Kenyan, anti-colonial behavior, can you begin to piece together [his actions]?" Gingrich asks. "That is the most accurate, predictive model for his behavior."

Well, the correct answer is clearly YES, based on the enlightened findings of the same foreigny-named wingnut who helped us understand that 9/11 is the fault of the "cultural Left," whose deviant lifestyle of homosinuality, abortion, and equality for women understandably repulses the good, decent, moral Islamic extremists who, as a result, rightfully plowed two planes into the Twin Towers to show the world their contempt for impure societies that refuse to behead/stone to death/pour acid on disobediant women and children. Duh!

But just what does this mean for the rest of us who happen to actually comprehend Obama's position on things? Well, according to Newt logic, we must all be rabid Kenyan anti-colonialists, fulfilling the deviant wishes of our Luo tribesman fathers.

Of course, some people in America may be upset to learn that by voting for Obama Junior-Senior-Squire-Lawyer-Community Organizer-Radical Black Panther-Patron Saint of Socialism, two years ago and/or supporting policies like affordable health care, tax cuts for those besides oil shieks and companies that Dick Cheney chairs, spending money on education and infrastructure not endless wars on whims or double dares, and equality for those not just white, over the age of 60, and lounging in retimerment/gated communities in Florida or Arizona, wearing too-tight swimming trunks up to their man breasts and a beer belly as a badge of courage, then you too have fallen victim to the transcontinental conspiracy known simply as Barry or B. Hussein Jr/Sr(?), depending on which fringe segment of the population your 2012 hopes are contingent upon pandering to.

“I think he worked very hard at being a person who is normal, reasonable, moderate, bipartisan, transparent, accommodating — none of which was true,” Gingrich continues. “In the [Saul] Alinksy tradition, he was being the person he needed to be in order to achieve the position he needed to achieve …. He was authentically dishonest.”

Oooh, good thing, in addition to being the thrice-married, twice divorced, multi-adulterous, toxic slime covered expert on 'authentic dishonesty,' Newt Gingrich also happens to be the world's sole authority on curing the increasingly virulent Kenyan anti-colonialist disease rampaging from coast to coast these days.

To repair your brain's ability to separate actual facts from the deranged rantings of a demagogue's corroded mind and restore your God-given, Red, White, 'N Blue, Family Values American sensibilities, all you need to do is elect Newt as President of Life, err make that Everything, come 2012.

It's as easy as one, two, three cheating on your cancer stricken wife!

Bigoted Heroes Across Roadside America Demand Hitler's Evil Twin Barack Obama Promptly Resign Or Immediately Start Bashing Muslims

I don't know about you, but the first thing I think of when I hear the name Barack Hussein Obama is, without doubt, Nazi Führer Adolf Hitler right down the angry li'l Hitler mustache painted above his upper lip

For starters, "Barack" does sound sort of German, particularly if you've never heard a single German word in your entire life, and the two are like identical twins in every possible way.

Both were failed art students/successful law professors, masterminded the mass extermination of an entire race/masterminded accessible health care for an entire nation, both are Christian, have dark hair, human parents, good oratory skills, require food and air, and of course share a deep love for all discriminated minorities, particularly milk-white Aryans/muddled brown Muslims.

The similarities are endless!

Let's not forgot, both Hitler and Obama are responsible for high crimes and misdemeanors, with high crimes naturally being the same thing as "signed legislation passed by Congress that I don't like," and misdemeanors being secret code for "not saying & doing stupid things all the time like our last Grand Old President."

Of course, this latest Obama-Is-A-Nazi-Muslim-Terrorist-Who-Hates-America hysteria all started when Ayatollah Obama made it clear that he doesn't even believe the First Amendment's protection of religious freedom can be suspended or altered whenever Fox News and/or teabag-waving wingnuts demand it for whatever dumb reason they decide this time.

This bastard actually thinks that the First Amendment means even the most terrible religions like gross Islam should be afforded all the same protections as other beautiful, pure religions like Christianity, and to a lesser extent, even Judaism, which is obviously a few notches below.

Yes, Hitler NObama over here thinks it's just fine if Muslims want to build a mosque four blocks away from the hallowed site of an abandoned hole in the Earth known as "Ground Zero" because of lame constitutional "rights" or whatever, so now instead of something sacred and pure like a Burlington Coat Factory, or the various strip clubs, peep shows, off-track betting sites, and nudie bars already dotting the area, America, more specifically, lower Manhattan-venturing Americans will have to endure the pain and suffering of having to look at a horrifying Muslim house of worship and community center during their rush-hour commute to the closest AMERICAN Starbucks.

Good thing some people understand America's centuries-old freedom of religion cannot stand! Too many innocent people were murdered on that fateful, tragic 11th day in September, 2001 to ever continue abiding by the protections laid out in our 219-year-old founding document and basis of the very freedom and democracy this country prides itself on!

To really show the terrorists who's boss, we better abandon the constitutional promise of equality and freedom from oppression, and make America more like Obama's beloved Nazi Germany with a beautiful patchwork quilt of American hate-diversity, courtesy of the brilliant minds of current Grand Old Party leaders, and other anti-Mosque building, Muslim-hatin' freedom fighters.

These steadfast patriots of hate and bigotry understand that their reliable ol' standby of simple queer-bashing just ain't what it used to be, and since you can no longer win elections on anti gay-marriage sentiments alone, hatred, like everything else, too must evolve with the times.

Nobody cares about gay marriages now, but we still have to hate something or somebody or else it’s just not America, or at least not Newt's America.

And who better to hate than all Muslims everywhere because everyone knows anyone who prays to Allah is a secret terrorist waiting to blow themselves up in the middle of Times Square en route to a wild, all-night sexcapade with 72 virgins in the sweet hereafter of blissful Muslim martyrdom.

"You know, Nazis don't have the right to put up a sign next to the Holocaust Museum in Washington. We would never accept the Japanese putting up a site next to Pearl Harbor. There's no reason for us to accept a mosque next to the World Trade Center," Newt Gingrich told Fox News.

Yes, we would never accept a Japanese monument at Pearl Harbor, save for that one Shinto Shrine less than 5 miles from the resting place of the USS Arizona, and all the various Japanese community centers contaminating Honolulu...

But seriously, ugh! I mean why should we have to accept all these inferior, non-Christian heathens building their terrorist temples within our beautiful borders, from sea-to-shining-sea.

If only we lived in Nazi Germany instead of terrible, mosque-building, free America! Then we wouldn't have to deal with silly things like "free speech." **Shudder!**

And then maybe we wouldn't have to live under a despotic president who actually governs based on principles, not fear-based, hate-fueled, cheap, misguided political whims of those desperate for power.

Just look at what Adolf Obama said at Friday's White House dinner honoring the evil Muslimy fasting holiday Ramadan:

Recently, attention has been focused on the construction of mosques in certain communities - particularly in New York. Now, we must all recognize and respect the sensitivities surrounding the development of lower Manhattan. The 9/11 attacks were a deeply traumatic event for our country. The pain and suffering experienced by those who lost loved ones is unimaginable. So I understand the emotions that this issue engenders. Ground Zero is, indeed, hallowed ground. But let me be clear: as a citizen, and as President, I believe that Muslims have the same right to practice their religion as anyone else in this country. That includes the right to build a place of worship and a community center on private property in lower Manhattan, in accordance with local laws and ordinances. This is America, and our commitment to religious freedom must be unshakeable. The principle that people of all faiths are welcome in this country, and will not be treated differently by their government, is essential to who we are. The writ of our Founders must endure.

OMG, this guy couldn't be any more like Hitler if he tried. They're practically indistinguishable from each other right down to their mutual love of constitutional protections, freedom, lederhosen and the Muslim community (wait, or was it Aryan?). Whatever, as long as it isn't those pesky Jews. Hey, anything's better than those greedy Torah-huggers, right??

And as if any more proof was needed that U.S. President Barack Obama and Third Reich psychopath Adolf Hitler are one-and-the-same, right down to the signature 'stash Teabaggers have taken upon themselves to draw on various Barry portraits appearing in neighborly demonstrations of communal bigotry in small, white towns across America, consider this little indisputable piece of evidence:

Basketball--Obama's #1 favoritest sport--was introduced into the Olympics in 1936. And do you know who hosted the 1936 Olympic Games?? ADOLF HITLER, that's who!! But, that's not even the half of it, mwhahahahaha!

Take the word "basketball," remove the "t," toss out the "ball" and what do you have?? BASKE, which is like almost the same thing as, and practically indistinguishable from MOSQUE.

Now, other than a birth certificate (or certificate of live birth) with the Führer's signature on the dotted paternal line, does a person really need any more proof than this?

Awwww, HEIL no!

Newt Gingrich: Everything You'd Expect From A Slimy, Swamp Creature Devoid Of Human Emotions Trying To Slither His Way Into The White House

Slimy, bigoted, power-starved Republican presidential hopeful (or just another Grand Ol' Pretender?) Newt Gingrich, is the esteemed subject of a new Esquire profile in which his spurned, totally not pretty enough to keep, second-wife dishes the dirt about their 2000 divorce, leading of course to his third (and maybe even last!) happy marriage with a new wifey, and how Newt simply adores cheating on his various wives, special bonus if they're bed-ridden in a hospital dying from cancer. Hotttttttt!

And after a self-imposed twelve-year exile into silence, you better believe Marianne Gingrich is ready to diiiiiish on all sorts of awful, disturbing things you kinda wish you didn't know about Republican's Numero Uno amphibian adulterer, and if all goes well, possible White House occupant come 2012. Ooooh, keep your fingers crossed!

Because who better to lead this blessed country back from the Obyss than that special kind of asshole, the kind that only comes around every precious few years as a cautious reminder about the dangers of power in the hands of incomprehensibly selfish, morally-devoid, self-serving hypocritical egomaniacs, with all the integrity you'd expect from the rest of the insane, scary people currently calling themselves Teabaggers (or is Republicans? I can never tell anymore!) proving themselves patriots by spitting on the constitution, randomly throwing out as many Nazi and Hitler references as time permits, warning America against the evil threat of Comrade Barry's Socialist Democratic plot to insure poor people, and of course, the scourge of all no-good minorities, like terrible A-rabs, Mexicans, Homos, and anyone who so much even look like
gross, terrible Muslims.

So, while Newt is off scaring people about Muslims and Mexicans, like a real patriotic American, ex-wifey number 2 sat down with a magazine reporter in Florida to give the American public some insight into the slippery man behind the ridiculous Salamander name.

It is no secret that a couple years ago, Newt finally admitted what everyone already knew: He had been messing around on his second wife, Marianne, with his soon-to-be third, much younger, hotter wife, Callista, all the while leading the Republican moral crusade to impeach Bill Clinton for catching a couple of BJ's in the Oval Office from a certain very eager intern whose skill sets included a special kind of lip service and one-on-one attention to detail.

Which I suppose isn't too far out of character for a man who not only cheated on his first wife, but was chivalrous enough to present her with divorce papers while she was laid up in a hospital bed recovering from uterine cancer. Or even better, kindly asked his second-wife Marianne to "tolerate" the tiny, little affair he was having behind her back, like a good li'l Stepford wife who keeps her mouth shut and speaks only when spoken to.

He wanted to talk in person, he said.
"I said, 'No, we need to talk now.' "
He went quiet.
"There's somebody else, isn't there?"
She kind of guessed it, of course. Women usually do. But did she know the woman was in her apartment, eating off her plates, sleeping in her bed?
She called a minister they both trusted. He came over to the house the next day and worked with them the whole weekend, but Gingrich just kept saying she was a Jaguar and all he wanted was a Chevrolet. " 'I can't handle a Jaguar right now.' He said that many times. 'All I want is a Chevrolet.' "
He asked her to just tolerate the affair, an offer she refused.
He'd just returned from Erie, Pennsylvania, where he'd given a speech full of high sentiments about compassion and family values.
The next night, they sat talking out on their back patio in Georgia. She said, "How do you give that speech and do what you're doing?"
"It doesn't matter what I do," he answered. "People need to hear what I have to say. There's no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn't matter what I live."

Ummm, okay, the whole cheating thing aside, what kind of mega-creep uses some f**king car metaphor to describe anything, let alone his reasons for abandoning his “closest advisor” and old-hag-of-a-wife after 18-years to go play house with his newest prize, a hot li'l blond 23 years his junior, who apparently is very much like a Chevy when you get to know her??

Seriously gross, but yeah, judging by his vehicular analogy alone, divorce was probably a good idea.

Anyway, Marianne goes on to say that despite Newt's public preaching "family values" and constant shrieking about President Obama’s “secular, socialist machine” threatening to destroy America, the former House Speaker never really cared if he was a walking contradiction who would do and say anything to get ahead.

“He believes that what he says in public and how he lives don’t have to be connected,” Marianne said.


Perhaps this ability to freely commit the very sins he so fervently rails against comes from the "fabulous" childhood he conjured up, complete with "lots of relatives, lots of complexity, lots of sugar pies, when I could talk my aunt and grandmother into making them. They had an old-fashioned cast-iron stove where you cut wood..."

In reality, Newt grew up on a series of Army bases in Kansas, Georgia, France, and Germany, with a mother who left his father shortly after marrying him, struggled with manic depression most of her life (which may help explain his name?), and a stepfather, who as an infantry officer, viewed his "plump, nearsighted, flat-footed son as unfit for the Army."

Mmmmm, sure sounds like a sugar pie filled with deliciousness!

 "I wouldn’t be able to describe what his real principles are," former Republican Rep. Mickey Edwards said of the former speaker. "I never felt that he had any sort of a real compass about what he believed except for the pursuit of power."

And this time, his compass is pointing due East from his home in McLean, Virginia, 8.796 miles away to his final destination (God-willing!) at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.,Washington, DC.

"Will he run?" Marianne asks. "Possibly. Because he doesn't connect things like normal people. There's a vacancy — kind of scary, isn't it?"

Eh, only if you don't much care for slimy, bacteria-laden swamp creatures who undergo metamorphosis no less than three times throughout their lives, produce enough toxins in their skin secretions to kill an adult human, and thrive in dank, murky wastelands like say, the nation's capital.

But, one thing is certain—Newt Gingrich simply loves being asked the presidential question. "That's up to God and the American people," he says, in the calm, cool, detached tone of a slimy swamp lizard who already knows what God thinks.

And, as it turns out, He's so fond of the warty li'l buggers, he can't help but drive their population to near extinction, almost ridding rid the entire planet of 'em.

Probably 'cause He selfishly wants to keep all the adorable, Salmonella-carrying, toxin-oozing critters all to Himself!

What's Gross, Creepy, Slimy & Makes You Shudder All Over? A Nazi-Spewin' Newt Goin' Off The Deep End

Heil Newt?

Lovable amphibian-named pinnacle of reason and truth, Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich will say and do just about anything to get someone, anyone, to pay attention to what he, a thrice-married, twice divorced, multi-adulterous, washed-up former Republican Speaker of the House has to say about the current state of things, here in NObama's America, if you can even call this Socialist, Nazi hellhole America anymore.

You see, Newt has kept himself quite busy since his unceremonious resignation from his House seat and Speaker role over a DECADE ago, when thanks to his savvy leadership and smart policies of "Hell No!" and "Bill Clinton Die!" (while secretly sticking it to his own li'l office muffin), Republicans began hemorrhaging seats right, left, and every which way, and Newt was kindly asked to scram his hypocritical, enormous behind the hell out of Washington, DC.

But you betcha Newt has surely been doing very important things since his humiliating defeat way back in 1998, when Congress was charged with the critical national security task of figuring out all the mysterious things a Democratic president can do with a Cuban cigar, a certain intern ladies' hooha, and a few minutes of spare time.

Very important things like heading a health care lobbying firm to make sure the gross poors die in the streets where they belong, not nice, warm hospitals for decent, hardworking Americans who don't push their houses around in a grocery cart, whoring himself out to oil companies as their affable, white-haired spokesbaby to “Drill Here, Drill Now, Pay Less," and all those other awesome undersea adventures that happen when lining your nation's coastlines with offshore oil rigs no one checks or regulates because that doesn't help Newt get richer, baby richer!

But, on the bright side, you do get scores of delicious oil-soaked marine animals washing up on beaches up and down the Gulf Coast, from Florida to Mississippi to Louisiana, which can be tons of fun in it's own right!

But lining his pocket with millions in dirty oil money and dead dolphins isn't all Newt's been doing since departing from relevance as dear House Speaker. Not by a long shot!

Sir Newton has also been a highly-sought-after GOP adviser, doling out his trademark words of wisdom on everything from how to deny climate change (its easy if you try!) to help budding young conservative stars and longtime (orange) faces of the current minority Grand Obstructionist Party remain as disingenuous, deranged, and ultimately as successful in their desperate, maniacal quest for power as he was.Yay!

Newt has even put his years of tireless dedication and political know-how into the latest, greatest Pulitzer-worthy book from a Republican, not nicknamed after a terrifying aquatic creature, like, say a Barracuda, the soon-to-be legendary, To Save America, likely the second most important book in all of history, behind $arah Palin's 432-word tribute to her bank account, Goin' Rogue.

In this shining gem of truth and enlightenment, To Save America, Newt needn't bother with silly liberal lies, myths, or crazy figments of Al Gore's imagination like climate change or other concocted threats to America's security nobody but hippies, heathens, or arugula-eating elitists with advanced degrees in science believe anyway.

Puh-lease! Newt has much bigger fish to fry (in delicious oil?) than trying to preserve some dumb swirling blue third planet from the Sun (which is probably just Jesus glowing anyway, not some radioactive, helium and hydrogen superstar with a mass 330,000 times that of Earth, or about the size of Newt's ego).

Like saving this blessed red, white, and blue Union (of puritans) from evil Obama and the congressional Democrats' "secular-socialist machine" that "represents as great a threat to America as Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union."

VAN SUSTEREN: All right, Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union. Go a little far on that one?

GINGRICH: No. Because I’m not talking about moral equivalence of the people, I’m talking about the end result. If the Nazis had defeated us, then America as we know it would have disappeared. If the Soviet Union had defeated us, the America as we know it would have disappeared. I argue in this book—and I think it’s a pretty reasoned and compelling argument—that the fact is, the values of a secular socialist movement are antithetical—and you hear from President Obama all the time. … The secular socialist left doesn’t want God anywhere in public life and doesn’t want to acknowledge God anywhere in public life.

And since terrible Chairman ObaMAO actually believes in the constitutional separation of church and state (kinda like those "fathers" Newt and the rest of the human bags of Lipton love referencing so much), Newt is 100%  positive America will undoubtedly find itself on that slippery slope of rounding up and mass-murdering millions of innocent Jews, Gypsies, intellectuals, homosexuals, disabled, and elderly all in the name of the Aryan master race and achieving God's vision of a perfect, pure world.

Of course, Gingrich's "reasoned and compelling" argument for this alleged new Hitler with a jumpshot consists of sound, factual evidence, such as the voices in his head buzzing "Socialism" and "universal health care" and "helping poor people not die or go bankrupt" every time he closes he eyes at night, after his nanny lulls him to gentle sleep with a nice story about the good ol' days when America was mighty and strong and run by a real Christian leader with a rudimentary understanding of the English language and even less idea about running a country (to the ground?) or how to be a president (play golf and go on cool airplane rides with beds in them while giving unwanted back rubs to German lady prime ministers?).

WALLACE: So — but you compare that to the Nazis and the Communists?

GINGRICH: I compare that as a threat.

Who knows what kind of Holocausts will arise from the terrible government regulating the saints and do-gooders in the health insurance and oil industries who want nothing more than to make this world a better place for themselves, their children, and their children's children. Not included, of course, are those other "children" who didn't make it, thanks to exorbitant medical costs, sudden dropped coverage, lack of existing coverage, skyrocketing premiums, and other perfectly logical reasons why they're sorry to inform you that li'l Johnny's leukemia is no longer covered, but thanks for your life-savings anyway.

Oh, and you know that house of yours, yeah, we're gonna need to take that too. Don't hate us, we're just doing what God and the free market, and hidden fees, and duplicitous politicians and business schemes, (and billions of dollars in bonuses) would want us to do.

Newt just gets it! Which is precisely why he, like fellow messenger of Divinity, Glenn Beck, have found themselves suddenly stricken with a severe case of Nazi Tourettes, with the index of Newt's rational, fact-based book citing Nazi references eight times, each linking the Obama administration's progressivism and much-needed brand of social justice to Nazi Germany policies of Zyclon B gas chambers and total extermination.

Because who better to highlight the evil tendencies of humankind, namely of some dumb community organizer from Kenya or Chicago or Satan's womb, than a God-loving man named after a slimy, unsightly, pea-brained evolutionary freak of both land and sea, who was lovingly divorcing his various wives while they were recovering from cancer, all the while diddling his hot li'l GOP secretary on the sly, and prattling on about that Democratic Führer famous for his brilliant Oral Oratory skills.

No, not Obama silly, Bill Clinton!

Newt Gingrich Sorry 4 H8in' On NoBama. Jk, Lol!

Nuh-uh, no you didn't!

Adorable powder-haired human troll Newt Gingrich committed the Republican cardinal sin today when he admitted (gasp!) he was actually wrong on something. And not just on any something, but on a national security matter--the beloved lifeline of the GOP! Their number one area of expertise!

Which means he was also wrong on their other favorite pastime, indiscriminately bashing Barack Obama for whatever terrible sin he committed this time, because it is only acceptable to do these things (anything) when it is a Republican president in the White House. Get with the program here people!

Like when Newt Gingrich told John Stewart on the Daily Show last night that the Obama administration's decision to "mirandize" the Christmas Day underwear bomber (aka read him his rights, not toss him in a sewer with bloodthirsty rats), was a terrible, costly error likely resulting in another 9/11, at least! (Keep your fingers crossed?)

Of course, when Jon Stewart pointed out to Sir Newt that the same decision had been made under his beloved George W. Bush to mirandize fellow incompetent terror failure, shoe bomber Richard Reid, Gingrich's natural reply was that Reid was "an American citizen."

Only problem being that Richard Reid is actually a British citizen (which is sort of like an American historically, right?), thus undeserving of George W. Bush's kind words and the rights of the American justice system.

Luckily Newt Gingrich has seen the error of his ways (it only took 24 hours), and decided to tweet an apology in 140 characters or less via the Republicans' favorite contrition delivery service, Twitter.

Err, sort of. Thing is Newt(on) over here was thinking of convicted enemy combatant José Padilla, who unlike the British shoe-bombing bloke Richard Reid, happens to be an American citizen.

A very Mexicany-sounding American citizen (so, torture away!?).

Either way, the important thing is that "treating terrorists like criminals is wrong no matter who is 'Pres.'"

They should be treated like a rabid dog and shot on the spot.

Except of course when it is George W. Bush who is "Pres." Then clearly the administration knows best if and when to move Padilla from a military prison (three-and-a-half years later) to the criminal justice system and a civilian trial. That's why they call 'em the Deciders, silly!

Just like Newt explained back in 2005 when the U.S. was strong and good not weak and socialist.

"Bush was wrestling with what are the real ground rules for dealing with people who are clearly outside of normal warfare," Newt explained, suggesting that a criminal setting was appropriate for Padilla because it was the most effective at the time.

"[W]e don't have a good set of rules," he added.

So to be fair the Republicans now only follow one simple rule: whatever Barack Obama does is wrong and terrible and will likely end in a catastrophe of apocalyptic proportions.

Ummm, Gingrich 2012?

Bubba's Health Care Tip To Barry: Grow A Pair

When you're single-handedly responsible for saving two frightened Asian-American lady journalists from the pint-sized dungeon master of the bad Korea, you basically earn the right to do and say whatever you please for the next, oh, six months or so. At least.

It also helps if you happen to be a former president who also tried to get health care reform passed in the mid-1990s, only to see it shot down by a lethal combination of catching a couple of adulterous BJs in the Oval Office and a Republican majority in Congress.

But compared to the bullsh*t Bubba had to deal with, Barack Obama ain't got nothin' to worry about! And if there's anyone who knows a few things about messing up--and as such--how to occasionally avoid making said mistakes, it is none other than William Jefferson Clinton.

So listen up Barry and take it from someone who knows: The Republicans ain't got sh*t on you!

For starters, stop caring so damn much what those wacko Republicans think: they don't have the numbers, so they don't mean squat. Unlike when he was trying to pass health care reform and had to deal with that fat, pain-in-the-butt Newt character instead of a nice, attractive, albeit wide-eyed lady named Nancy.

"All we have to worry about is getting things done and doing them as well as we can," Clinton said. "Don't even worry about the Republicans. Let them figure out what they're going to stand for. 'Cause as long as they're sitting around waiting for us to mess up, they don't have a chance."

This time Bubba knows, "It's going to have a different ending — he's going to get health care reform."

"The broad canvas is that the Republicans are trying to figure out whether to keep playing their old songs or try to write a new script," he said. "Meanwhile, they're hoping this president will fail, and they're trying to spook the Democrats from the more vulnerable districts into helping him fail."

Don't be silly guys. The Dems don't need any help failing. They're perfectly capable of doing that all by themselves!

Though, I guess sometimes it's hard to resist the urge to spook the hell out of everybody for no reason at all. But hell, what are Republicans for anyway?

Night Of The Living Dead

We've Come For Your Brains

Ahhhhh, attack of the killer zombies! Run for your lives!

Now that they've acquired a taste for human flesh, Rush, Newt, Dick and the rest of the GOP’s living dead can't stop feasting on everyone's brains.

You see, the Republican Party has become many bad things—intolerant, hateful, incoherent, delusional, and worst of all, undead. The once-vibrant GOP of yesteryear has morphed into a wrinkled, decrepit corpse of its former self, having scared off just about everyone who isn't white, male, packing heat, or old enough to have witnessed General Lee's surrender at Appomattox.

But what is a political party that's predominantly pasty-skinned, middle-aged, male, Southern, God-fearing, conservative, unpopular, impotent, ass-backwards, and regarded negatively by more than half the population to do?

Clearly, the answer is to dine on the tasty flesh of one another, especially uppity moderates like Colin Powell who believe the party should adapt to the changing times. Hahaha, yeah, like half-dead creatures of the underworld adapt!

Instead these ghosts of Republicans past continue to haunt their beloved party--and won't stop until the GOP takes its rightful place in a glass-enshrined case at the museum besides the Whigs, Free Soilers, and Prohibitionists.

Even strong and mighty CIA director Leon Panetta is spooked by these half-dead relics creeping around, praying for demonchild Barack Obama to fail almost as much as their skin to stop falling off. Especially Dick.

“I think he smells some blood in the water on the national-security issue. It’s almost, a little bit, gallows politics. When you read behind it, it’s almost as if he’s wishing that this country would be attacked again, in order to make his point. I think that’s dangerous politics.”

But feasting on the flesh of the innocent? That's child's play.