Chris Christie Vows To Reject New Jersey Gay Marriage Law Faster Than A Jenny Craig Diet

Rejoice gays and gayettes! New Jersey's Senate passed a gay marriage bill today! Now it will shimmy-shake its fabulous self on down to the State Assembly, which will pass it, because why the hell not? From there it will shake its groove thing over to the desk of New Jersey Governor of Sandwiches Fat Fattie Chris Christie, who will promptly veto it and then curse out some old ladies and Kindergarteners for his tasty after-breakfast snack.

Naturally, Democrats in the Garden State won't have the numbers to overturn Christie's veto, so the sanctity of marriage in the filthy, grease-filled shores of New Jersey will fortunately remain limited to Snooki and the bronzed Italian meathead kind enough to take her hand in both holy matrimony and while relieving herself in the back alley of some seedy bar outside Atlantic City.

Because in order to actually become legal in New Jersey, gay marriage legislation would have to accomplish what light itself cannot, which is, of course, to get around Chris Christie.

But Democrats aren't about to allow 500 lbs of redfaced blubbery obstruction stop them from celebrating their awesome, nothing-more-than-symbolic victory for equality and decency, amiright?

Fuggedaboutit!

From the Star-Ledger:

Gay marriage opponents say such a stalemate will put New Jersey’s 10-year debate on ice for a long time. Supporters, however, will treat a vote by both houses as an important milestone in a fight they will continue to wage.
“I don’t think there’s one civil rights leader in the South who thought ending segregation would be a slam dunk on the first time out,” said Assemblyman Reed Gusciora (D-Mercer), New Jersey’s first openly gay lawmaker.
Steven Goldstein, chairman of the gay rights advocacy group Garden State Equality, said the group will celebrate if it passes.
“This week’s marriage equality votes are like the World Series, the Super Bowl and a Barbra Streisand concert all wrapped up in one,” he said.

Or to phrase it in a way Chris Christie can digest, let's call it the Turducken of civil rights.

[image via Gawker]

The Big Ticket: Is Being The Size Of An Elephant Too Big Even For Republican Voters?

For some reason, the current crop of crazy-eyed kooks with homo husbands, washed-up Mormon Hair Club For Men spokesmodels, rambling, incoherent, coyote (and criminal) killing governors of Texas moonlighting as the Marlboro Man, and assorted other GOP misfits, misanthropes, Santorums(?) and maniac pizza moguls with more chance of delivering your large cheeseburger-smothered pie straight to your doorstep than an actual inaugural speech, haven't exactly won over the hate-filled hearts and narrow minds of Republican voters.

If only they booed more gay soldiers or had a Rick Perry-like plan for getting rid of the uninsured deadweight like gross poor people!?

Until then, where o where will Republicans find someone man enough and mean enough with the kind of King Kong physique to really bring the heavy to the race?

Why, none other than the everyone's fave bully governor of sandwiches, screaming at people, saturated fat, Snooki, New Jersey, Chris Christie, the best thing since sliced bread, err, screw it, the whole freakin' loaf.

You see, not only does Christie already have the fiscal sense to use taxpayer money to purchase a gigantic new helicopter to transport heavy loads (like say, himself) from his Grand Canyon-sized bed to his kid's high school baseball game a few waddles away from his mansion, he also has a huge ready-made constituency in the two-thirds of fellow motor-scooting Americans also the size of a dinosaur or KFC Double Down.

Amiright?

Certainly not, according to the Los Angeles Times:

Straight-talking New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is a portly guy — and has spoken publicly in the past about his struggles with the scale. Now that he might be a contender for Republican nominee for president, other people are speaking publicly about his weight, too, and what impact it might have on his electability next November.
Washington Post columnist Eugene Robinson wrote that the governor needed to lose weight for his (and the country’s) health. Others complained that an inability to lose weight was a sort of failure of character.

Failure?? Ummm, maybe if you're one of the few who don't consider eating more than what the average circus elephant consumes on a daily basis, a stunning success and proof of presidential prowess.

C'mon, think about it. There's more for everyone to love!


Michael Kinsley, of Bloomberg News, doesn't have time to sit here, chewing the fat, so he'll skip the BS and get straight to the point:

Look, I’m sorry, but New Jersey Governor Chris Christie cannot be president: He is just too fat.

What, what, what? This is the Republican candidate we're talking about, remember! There's no such thing as too dumb, too crazy, too rich, too white, too straight, too armed, too racist, or too mentally imbalanced.

There's also no such thing as Chris Christie being too f**king fat to be president because there's no such thing as science either.

So, slather on some mayo, wrap it up in bacon, and stuff that shit down your throat!

Sure is a helluva lot easier to swallow than a Chris Christie presidency.

Although, on second thought, if Christie were president, instead of Iraq, we'd probably invade Denny's.

[image via the Star-Ledger]

New York Says I Do To Gay Marriage, While Republicans Say I Don't To Any & All Rational Thought

OMG, people, GAY is now officially legal in New York!

They're here, they're queer, and they're coming to a gift registry near you!

Now that New York has reclaimed the mantle of progress and equality from it's once-hip, now tragically Mormon, Prop 8 populated friend, California, and become the sixth state to give those pesky gays the right to get married and become as miserable and lame as their heterosexual counterparts, what does this mean for the rest of us?

Should we be happy that freedom, liberty, equal protection under the law, and all the good stuff we looooove saying about America is finally, at least sort of true, instead of just some empty, meaningless, RAH RAH slogan that makes us feel good about ourselves?

Or is it really true what the Republicans have said during culture wars past?

That the biggest threat to America are nice gay and lesbian couples who already live together and share a bank account who would also like to be able to visit each other in the hospital and file joint tax returns and enjoy all the rest of the 1,400 plus rights and privileges afforded to normal, decent opposite sex married couples by destroying the sacred union of one Brittney Spears + one backup dancer + one Elvis impersonator in holy matrimony at the 24-hour Chapel 'O Love on the Vegas strip.

Not to mention all the other terrible things that are going to happen, thanks to "gay marriage," like all of New York's impressionable young children turning gay (wait, or is it artsy?) and everyone getting gay divorced, like the rest of the sacred, morally pure, Jesus approved, blessed unions with the proper penis-to-vagina ratios.

Amiright? Who's with me? Where my Republicans at?

Oh, looky here, it's America's #1 marriage sanctity expert, thrice-divorced white-haired wonder Newt Gingrich, giving his righteous opinion on proper marriage etiquette like the right way to leave your cancer-stricken wife for a much younger, much hotter, trophy wife you can parade around, not tend to while they lay dying in a hospital bed. Boring!

But, seriously, couldn't they just leave well enough alone?

“In our state, we’re going to continue to pursue civil unions,” first-term Republican New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said. “I am not a fan of same-sex marriage. It’s not something that I support.”

“I believe marriage should be between one man and one woman. I wouldn’t sign a bill like the one that was in New York.”

Unless, he added, it was thick sliced, piled high on warm, fresh baked artisan bread, smothered in cheese, slathered in mayonnaise, preferably chipotle spiced, and wrapped in hearty, thick-cut bacon, like the good Lord intended

Then maybe we could make an exception.

Besides, if all gross gays were allowed to get gross gay married wherever they so pleased, who knows what would happen next?

Michele Bachmann might never have been born because her mommy and daddy were too busy getting their same-sex on with the maid and gardener, respectively.

And then she would never have been popping babies out like a human pez dispenser, and adopting foster children the way you and I buy bulk paper towels at Costco.

Then maybe she could remember all the different voices in her head, so the next time she is asked about the gays getting married, she'll remember the correct answer is not that states can legalize gay marriage if they want to. Bad Michele Voice #2, Bad! But rather that America needs one of those federal constitutional amendments to stop the gays from gaying all over the place or trying to eat Michele with innocent questions in restrooms, or whatever it is they do.

But nooooooooo. Thanks to the pesky gays getting all gay marriagey, Michele Bachmann is forced to kick off her presidential campaign in Waterloo, Iowa, because of its geographic significance or just because she's an idiot.

"Well what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That's the kind of spirit that I have, too."

Unfortunately that spirit is less the "beloved movie star" John Wayne and more the "killer homosexual clown who raped and murdered 33 teenage boys in the 1970s," John Wayne Gacy.

Ah yes, fuck gay rights! The holy matrimony of infidelity, gluttony, and batshit insanity is a beautiful thing.

Unlike stupid, gross equality. That's just gay.

NJ Governor Chris Christie Won't Say If He Believes In Evolution, But Admits His Deep Belief In Second Helpings

New Jersey Governor of Sandwiches, Chris (yes, I have the same name twice) Christie was either in a terrible mood, terribly hungry, or terribly confused when he mistook a reporter for a patty melt, because he practically bit her head off for asking a simple, innocent question, if he believes in evolution or the theory of creationism, during a press conference.

“That’s none of your business,” Christie snapped, because whether the democratically elected leader of your state, in this case, New Jersey, believes that Adam & Eve rode around on a pet Brontosaurus with baby Jesus in tow when the Earth was created 6,000 years ago, is clearly nothing the nosy public need concern themselves with.

Besides, Christie already answered your annoying, pesky questions at a town hall last week!

“Evolution is required teaching,” Christie said. “If there’s a certain school district that also wants to teach creationism, that’s not something we should decide in Trenton.”

So true! It should be up to Jesus Christ and maybe Mother Mary, if she isn't too busy getting knocked up by God, certainly not some obnoxious, morbidly obese governor of Snooki and The Situation.

What the hell is wrong with you people, anyway?

I mean, it's not like Christie is endorsing the belief that the Earth was created by an old bearded man in the sky thousands of years ago instead of nuclear processes caused by the rapid expansion of an extremely hot and dense state billions of years ago, or anything like that. It's more that he is simply endorsing his own presidential aspirations by pretending to be the kind of crazy, conservative wingnut the GOP can really get behind.

“I probably have little business getting myself involved in these kinds of questions,” Christie said, adding that local school boards “should be making those decisions about what curriculum is being taught in your schools.”

Like how Ronnie Reagan parted the Red Sea with nothing but a rod and unshakable faith in the trickle down deity in a heroic effort to free corporations from the shackles of government regulated slavery.

“I think it’s really a dangerous area for a governor who stands up from the top of the state to say, ‘You should teach this. You shouldn’t teach that,’ ” he said.

Except for the little fact that that's exactly what the state is supposed to do, determining precisely what kids must learn in each subject, each year, and then testing them accordingly.

Not like the actual elected leader of the state should know that or anything. Knowledge?? Ugh, talk about dangerous!

Besides, has anyone even seen his birth certificate? What the hell did Christie evolve from, anyway? KFC Double Downs & The Colonel's famous secret blend of spices?

So, Chris Christie doesn't believe in evolution, eh?? Judging by the looks of him, sounds more like evolution doesn't believe in Chris Christie!