The Only Thing Scarier Than Mobs Of Crazed, Gun-Waving Teabaggers Are Mobs Of Polite, Hand-Waving Tea Drinkers

Unless you've been living under a rock (no, no, not whatever it is that's beneath Rick Perry's perfectly combed, thick brown coif) or have simply been too busy following Sarah Palin's earth-shattering announcement not to continue duping dumb white people out of their hard-earned money in her ridiculous faux presidential ponzi scheme/grifter bus tour, chances are you're aware that thousands of everyday people have taken their peace pipes and hacky sacks and streamed into New York City to protest corporate greed, economic inequality, and of course, Wall Street's unchecked ability to forcefully bend over and repeatedly screw the rest of the 99% of pathetic, non-billionaire schlubs like you and me.

Well some people, like, say every Republican (and/or filthy rich banker, baron, magnate, mogul) to ever grace God's once-green, now oil-scorched Earth, don't much care for like-minded, progressive people putting down their soy, no-foam triple shot lattes and MacBook Pros to politely protest getting fleeced by the same mega-corporations they were forced to bail out, as a thank you for so generously causing the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.

Damn those hippie tree-huggers and their stupid whales!

It's one thing when it's heavily-armed old white sociopaths waving Nazi signs and shrieking about how giving health care to poor people and children is terrorism. But a diverse crowd of gross liberals peacefully gathering in public parks to speak out against corporate malfeasance and income equality? ARRRRGGGGHHHH, run for your lives, crazed mobs of madmen are coming to kill you!

In a speech to social conservatives at the Values Voters Summit, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor blasted the Wall Street protesters as "growing mobs" that are trying to divide the country. "Believe it or not, some in this town have actually condoned the pitting of Americans against Americans."

But only when it's poor Americans versus rich Americans. Otherwise it is terrible class warfare and has no place in his United States of AmERICANTOR.

"I for one am increasingly concerned about the growing mobs occupying Wall Street and the other cities across the country."

Yes, that's right! "Growing mobs" are not angry throngs of obese white supremacists with Jesus Saves tees and Don't Tread On Me signs motor-scootering around small town America screaming about secession, while hoisting various Glock 19s and semi-automatic machine guns before NObama takes them all away because of Socialism.

Don't be ridiculous! They are nice educated folks joining with workers unions, teachers unions, and assorted other young-to-middle aged rabble-rousers to express their collective frustration at the abusive tactics and sheer recklessness of the nation's current financial system.

Even the usually meek, deer-in-headlights White House Press Secretary Jay Carney couldn't help but call out Mr. Cantor for being even more of a sniveling hypocritical pussy than usual.

"I sense a little hypocrisy unbound here--what we're seeing on the streets of New York is an expression of democracy. I think I remember how Mr. Cantor described protests of the tea party--I can't understand how one man's mob is another man's democracy."

Umm, what exactly do you not understand? Revolution is only acceptable when it's a bunch of fat old racists who don't want to pay their taxes or help sick kids not die, duh!

Delusional fast-food merchant and self-proclaimed "black walnut" Herman Cain understands these things, just like he understands what the Republicans are looking for in their next president is someone significantly less white than Obama.

From Mother Jones:

“I don’t have facts to back this up, but I happen to believe that these demonstrations are planned and orchestrated to distract from the failed policies of the Obama administration. Don’t blame Wall Street, don’t blame the big banks, if you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself!”

I don't have the facts to back this up, but Herman Cain is an asshole. I don't know much about any black walnuts, but he's certainly fuckin' nuts. 

So if I have this straight, the protests are a conspiracy by Obama to anger the very people with the money to actually fund his re-election campaign, but it is not a conspiracy that the only people actually doing okay in this broke, collapsing country are the handful of ultra-rich Wall Street titans currently being protested?

Of course, it must be the fault of the poor people! Damn poor people! Why can't they just get jobs like normal people, or at least a certain awesome Black Walnut?

Oh, right probably because the Occupy Wall Street protesters have already destroyed all the jobs! Just ask New York Mayor and billionaire everyman Michael Bloomberg.

"What they're trying to do is take the jobs away from people working in this city," the mayor declared in his harshest criticism of the three-week-old protest. "They're trying to take away the tax base we have because none of this is good for tourism."

So there you have it folks. Billionaire Mayor Says Wall Street Protesters Want To Destroy Jobs.

Which is kind of awkward. Guess nobody told him Jobs is already dead!

[image via Daily Kos]

Oy Vey! Since Weiner's Unkosher, Ultra-Orthodox Jews In New York Help Elect A Different Kind Of Prick: A Republican!

OMG, did you hear the news, America? The mind-blowing, earth-shattering, life-altering, universe-imploding news straight out of Anthony Weiner's pants New York's 9th about Barack Obama being un-elected, thanks to a special election to replace fallen Democratic cocktease, err congressman, and Twitterin' fool, Anthony Weiner with someone a little less circumcised and a little more racist.

Hooray??

You see, a funny thing happened on the way to Kew Gardens. Apparently, instead of just voting to replace Anthony "Cock Shot" Weiner, his entire former NY-9 district got together to cast their 2012 Election votes a good year-plus ahead of time in a referendum on that terrible failure Barack Hussein Obama for everything Republicans hate about him (his skin color?).

Turns out, New York is sick and tired of being a godless, gay, Jew-less, Socialist mecca for no-good terrorist Muslims, which is why NY-09 decided to use this special House race to elect a Republican for the first time since 1922.

That's right, people! The fair citizens from southern Brooklyn to south central Queens (Rego Park, what what!) have chosen 70-year-old Muslim hating maniac and Teabagging delight Bob Turner over 56-year-old (not quite ultra) Orthodox Jew Democrat David Weprin as the new President of New York of America.

Because contrary to what the Jew-run lamestream media would like you to believe, Jewish voters actually hate Obama (just ask Fox News!), which is why the black hat, ultra-orthodox Jews chose Turner, a Catholic, over Weprin, a Jew Obama, a Jew-hater.

But that's not all! It's also because of the gays getting gay-married and Muslims building Muslim-y Mosques all over the once-sacred streets of strip clubs and sex shops in Lower Manhattan.

According to the AP:

Democrats enjoy a 3:1 registration advantage over Republicans in the district, but it’s relatively conservative by New York standards in national contests to make it upset territory, going for President Obama with only 55% of the vote in 2008 with similar numbers for John Kerry in 2004. The district’s unique ethnic makeup — heavily Jewish (especially Orthodox), heavily Irish and Italian, and heavily Asian and Hispanic — and strong local character makes it difficult to declare it representative of the nation of large.

But voter frustration with Obama put Weprin in the unlikely spot of playing defense. Turner, a 70-year-old Catholic, vowed to push back on Obama's policies if elected.

Weprin became embroiled in New York-centric disputes over Israel and gay marriage, which cost him some support among Jewish voters.

Orthodox Jews, who tend to be conservative on social issues, expressed anger over Weprin's vote in the Assembly to legalize gay marriage. And Weprin was challenged on the right of the sponsors of the Park 51 community center, a proposed Islamic center and mosque near the World Trade Center site, to locate their project in Lower Manhattan.

So congratulations to Bob Turner, the new representative of your crazy, racist, homophobic, Jewish aunt with five cats, 500 square feet of prime studio space, and zero tolerance for gross gays, even grosser Muslims, and of course, the grossest of all, charming, chocolate-colored presidents.

Mazel Tov to Bubby! You've successfully traded a Weiner for a dick!

New York Says I Do To Gay Marriage, While Republicans Say I Don't To Any & All Rational Thought

OMG, people, GAY is now officially legal in New York!

They're here, they're queer, and they're coming to a gift registry near you!

Now that New York has reclaimed the mantle of progress and equality from it's once-hip, now tragically Mormon, Prop 8 populated friend, California, and become the sixth state to give those pesky gays the right to get married and become as miserable and lame as their heterosexual counterparts, what does this mean for the rest of us?

Should we be happy that freedom, liberty, equal protection under the law, and all the good stuff we looooove saying about America is finally, at least sort of true, instead of just some empty, meaningless, RAH RAH slogan that makes us feel good about ourselves?

Or is it really true what the Republicans have said during culture wars past?

That the biggest threat to America are nice gay and lesbian couples who already live together and share a bank account who would also like to be able to visit each other in the hospital and file joint tax returns and enjoy all the rest of the 1,400 plus rights and privileges afforded to normal, decent opposite sex married couples by destroying the sacred union of one Brittney Spears + one backup dancer + one Elvis impersonator in holy matrimony at the 24-hour Chapel 'O Love on the Vegas strip.

Not to mention all the other terrible things that are going to happen, thanks to "gay marriage," like all of New York's impressionable young children turning gay (wait, or is it artsy?) and everyone getting gay divorced, like the rest of the sacred, morally pure, Jesus approved, blessed unions with the proper penis-to-vagina ratios.

Amiright? Who's with me? Where my Republicans at?

Oh, looky here, it's America's #1 marriage sanctity expert, thrice-divorced white-haired wonder Newt Gingrich, giving his righteous opinion on proper marriage etiquette like the right way to leave your cancer-stricken wife for a much younger, much hotter, trophy wife you can parade around, not tend to while they lay dying in a hospital bed. Boring!

But, seriously, couldn't they just leave well enough alone?

“In our state, we’re going to continue to pursue civil unions,” first-term Republican New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said. “I am not a fan of same-sex marriage. It’s not something that I support.”

“I believe marriage should be between one man and one woman. I wouldn’t sign a bill like the one that was in New York.”

Unless, he added, it was thick sliced, piled high on warm, fresh baked artisan bread, smothered in cheese, slathered in mayonnaise, preferably chipotle spiced, and wrapped in hearty, thick-cut bacon, like the good Lord intended

Then maybe we could make an exception.

Besides, if all gross gays were allowed to get gross gay married wherever they so pleased, who knows what would happen next?

Michele Bachmann might never have been born because her mommy and daddy were too busy getting their same-sex on with the maid and gardener, respectively.

And then she would never have been popping babies out like a human pez dispenser, and adopting foster children the way you and I buy bulk paper towels at Costco.

Then maybe she could remember all the different voices in her head, so the next time she is asked about the gays getting married, she'll remember the correct answer is not that states can legalize gay marriage if they want to. Bad Michele Voice #2, Bad! But rather that America needs one of those federal constitutional amendments to stop the gays from gaying all over the place or trying to eat Michele with innocent questions in restrooms, or whatever it is they do.

But nooooooooo. Thanks to the pesky gays getting all gay marriagey, Michele Bachmann is forced to kick off her presidential campaign in Waterloo, Iowa, because of its geographic significance or just because she's an idiot.

"Well what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That's the kind of spirit that I have, too."

Unfortunately that spirit is less the "beloved movie star" John Wayne and more the "killer homosexual clown who raped and murdered 33 teenage boys in the 1970s," John Wayne Gacy.

Ah yes, fuck gay rights! The holy matrimony of infidelity, gluttony, and batshit insanity is a beautiful thing.

Unlike stupid, gross equality. That's just gay.

Anthony Weiner's Weiner Still Works, Is Still All Over The Internet, & Is Still A Big, Throbbing Distraction

Another day, another pathetic, sadsack politician feeling the heat because he couldn't keep it in his pants, or in this case, off Andrew Breitbart's pervy iPhone.

And this time, the no-longer-contained-in-boxer-briefs weiner in question belongs to none other than aptly named New York congressman Anthony Weiner, who apparently managed to put his wonderful, web-cruising weiner in his wife at least once, recently, when not taking pictures of it to send to strangers on Twitter.

Which is, umm, good because now Mrs. Weiner, Huma Abedin, is three months pregnant, presumably with his spawn, unless of course Huma was also slyly chat rouletting her hooha to complete strangers on the internet.

So yes, America's modern-day Bill Clinton (Democrats + Erections + Internets = William Jefferson Clinton) Anthony Weiner and his grand ambition to seduce strangers with unsolicited sausage shots become mayor of New York City is likely over, for now at least, and quite possibly his political career in general.

Unless, the American people are willing to forgive Sir Weiner for his sexting and shlong sending sins, which of course can only be accomplished by crying like a little schoolgirl and tearfully admitting (with certitude!) that yes, that is indeed his bulging groin in question and yes he, not some mysterious hacker, did send them to a lady or six, to a roomful of reporters on national teevee.

Since in typical Democratic fashion, Anthony forgot to read the sex scandal manual and didn't actually sex any of the half-dozen or so random ladies in question, hike the Appalachian trail to hot Argentinian mistresses, catch BJs from an intern, bang prostitutes, wear diapers, misuse public funds, or break any laws, but rather just tempted them with a bunch of embarrassingly lame, grade-school photos of a peen snuggled cozily in gray boxers, he has no plans to resign from office.

“I have made some terrible mistakes,” Weiner told reporters. “I have not been honest.”
Mr. Weiner said that after he sent the underwear photo on Twitter on May 27, “Once I realized I had posted it on Twitter I panicked, I took it down and said I’d been hacked.”
He added, “To be clear, the picture was of me, and I sent it.”
Mr. Weiner said he had inappropriate communications with six women over the past three years as part of a “consensual exchange of e-mails” with the women.

Awww, how sweet! But even this tearful admission doesn't change the fact that Weiner has acted like, well, a colossal Weiner these past few days, using the internet as his own personal X-Rated Sexy Lady Sims Game, then lying about for days once he got caught, and pretty much acting like an all-around jackass (even more so than usual) on some whirlwind, inexplicable media blitz to make himself appear even guiltier than everyone already assumed.

On the bright side, Weiner did manage to knock up his wife while digitally frolicking with random women in cyberspace (yay?), plus he most likely didn't violate House rules by using congressional resources to send said dick pics to his various ladyfriends (save for the $1.50 or so it cost to sex-chat one of 'em on his official congressional phone), and is one of the few politicians to accomplish the rare feat of getting caught in a humiliating, possibly career-ending sex scandal that doesn't actually involve sex.

And the Weiner is...

Tony's Tiger...It's Grrrrrreat!

Republican Congressman Chris Lee Resigns Over Sex Scandal Not Even Involving Gays, Animals, Or Crackhead Prostitutes

New York's finest, freakiest, Craigslist trolling Republican House Representative, Chris Lee, was actually trying to hook up with a human female on the Internet, which is odd because everyone knows Republicans prefer their secret sexytime trysts be with undercover male cops in airport men's rooms, or at the very least, hot, sexy, underage go-getters padding their resume as pages on the congressional floor.

Now, most of the time, Rep. Christopher Lee is a married 46-year-old Republican selflessly serving the 26th District of New York. But when he scours Craiglist's "Women Seeking Men" section, hunting for some hot hetero tail, he becomes Christopher Lee, "39-year-old, divorced lobbyist" and all-around "fit, fun, classy guy" who thinks sending shirtless camera-phone photos of him flexing his bicep in the mirror like some lame high school kid on Facebook is appealing to anyone above the age of 15, let alone 30-something women professionals.

Word to the wise, Chris-bro, it's basically one step above a Brett Favre cock shot, got it?

But since Christopher Lee has already shamefully resigned in what could be the quickest-scandal-not-involving-underage-teenage boys-S&M lezzie clubs-coke-prostitutes-in-bathroom stalls-in the history of humiliating sex shockers, involving esteemed family values politicians, is there really any point in umm, how shall I say this, pointing out the man's flagrant lies and hypocrisy?

Ha, is John Boehner orange, Sarah Palin an idiot, and John McCain as old as time??

Besides, anyone who votes in favor of a ban on federal funding of abortion and against allowing gays and lesbians to be their fabulous selves as out 'n proud members of the US military is obviously pretty comfortable publicly scrutinizing other people's sex lives, and as such, probably shouldn't send out teenage boy muscle flexing self-shots all over the Internets.

Oh well!

"It has been a tremendous honor to serve the people of Western New York. I regret the harm that my actions have caused my family, my staff and my constituents. I deeply and sincerely apologize to them all. I have made profound mistakes and I promise to work as hard as I can to seek their forgiveness."

"The challenges we face in Western New York and across the country are too serious for me to allow this distraction to continue, and so I am announcing that I have resigned my seat in Congress effective immediately."

On the bright side, he really can spend more time with his family now, if they still want him around. Maybe they do. Maybe they are forgiving. Or maybe they just have a soft spot for slimy, "happily-married" legislators who secretly moonlight as single, sexy, bicep-flexing shirtless corporate shills.

If not, he's well on his way to fulfilling his other fantasy which of course is to be a divorced, 39-year-old, lobbyist.

And considering this sexytime scandal, all of that may actually soon come true for him!

Except he'll still be 46. 

Perhaps next mid-life crisis, dude might want to consider just blowing the bank on a hot, sexy, new sports car instead.

Unlike bitches, cars don't talk.

Crazy, Racist Homophobic Tea Monster Carl Paladino Is Sorry For Offending Everyone With A Pulse, Even Freak Gays Or Weirdos Who Don't Enjoy Animal/Human Porn

Notorious New York hell monster Carl Paladino enjoys indulging in a few of life's simpler pleasures: sending mindblowingly offensive, racist emails about Barry NObama (lol, negro president!), hot girl-on-horse porno videos, beating up no-good, prying reporters askin' too many questions (maybe after he's governor, he'll answer your stinkin' questions!), and saying whatever terrible, vulgar, repulsive thing that happens to float into his slightly impaired, small, petty mind now.

Under normal circumstances, crazy ol' Carl would be able to say and do as many horrible things as his sweet li'l heart desires, without having to worry about apologizing to all those offended by his latest email forward of Obama with a bone through his nose eating watermelon or speech telling a bunch of Orthodox Jews how he thinks gross homosexuals are as bad as the terrible Muslims, minus the whole Pride Parade rubbing against each other in tight black speedos thing or whatever.

But now that he isn't just some dumb, queer bashing obnoxious New York schmuck nobody cares about, but the actual Republican gubernatorial candidate schmuck everybody loves to make fun of, Carl seems to be running into the problem of opening his big fat mouth when anyone is listening, let alone 20,000 cameras watching his every move. And when stupidity meets publicity, it is a recipe for disaster of epic Carl Paladino proportions.

An online news outlet in New York state has obtained dozens of emails, many of them racist and sexually graphic, which it reports were sent by Carl Paladino, the Tea-Party-backed Republican candidate for governor of New York, to a long list of political and business associates. One email shows a video of an African tribal dance, entitled “Obama Inauguration Rehearsal,” while another depicts hardcore bestiality.

Too bad it wasn't something more romantic like say softcore bestiality where the horse at least makes out with the woman before banging the bejesus out of her with his huge Paladino Palamino cock.

Because in Carl's bizarro, freaky world, some things are still sacred. Like sex with horses. This is a good and wholesome thing. Sex with people, on the other hand, is bad. Well, actually, sex with people is okay too, but only when it is one man plus one woman who is not your wife that you end up getting pregnant and then keeping the secret love child hidden for ten years. This too is a-okay!
What is not, however, as savory as sluts banging Shetlands, is of course sinful sodomites, particularly those with the disco balls big enough to flaunt their homosinuality up 'n down the once-pure, decent streets of New York City in some sort of terrible, twisted testosterone and testicle tranny parade, unfit for anyone's eyes, least of all, the innocent oculars of one distinguished gentleman, a certain Mr. Carl Paladino. Especially when talkin' to his good pals, them crazy Yids with the braids and the hats who hate fegalas, schvartze, and A-rabs too!

"I didn't march in the Gay Pride parade this year. My opponent did. There is nothing to be proud of in being a dysfunctional homosexual. That's not how God created us, and that's not the example that we should be showing our children - and certainly not in our schools," Paladino said.

"Young children should not be exposed to that at a young age. They don't understand, it's a very difficult thing," said Mr. Paladino. "And exposing them to homosexuality, especially at a gay pride parade - and I don't know if you have ever been to one, but they wear these little Speedos and they grind against each other and it's just a terrible thing."

A terrible, terrible thing I just can't, for the love of God, get out of my head for even one second. Not a single second goes by where I, Carl Paladino, am not obsessing over sweaty gay men laughing, thrusting, and gyrating on each other, muscles and genitalia bulging every which way, whispering Carl, Carl Carl...

Ayyyyyy fuggedaboutit! He's freakin' Carl Paladino, not some pussy faggot like yous freaks.

"I just think my children and your children would be much better off and much more successful getting married and raising a family, and I don't want them brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality is an equally valid and successful option - it isn't."

Soz, I went ahead and got me two families to prove my God-blessed heterosexuality!

But that's not alllllllll!

So long as their money's still green and credit card's plastic, Paladino over here is still more than happy to make a quick buck off the queer freaks as Buffalo's gay club kingpin and personal landlord to all bar-hopping boy-seeking-boy types! He's no bigoted homophobe!

New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino, who doesn't care for those Speedo-wearing gays and their gyrating, actually used to rent space to two gay nightclubs in Buffalo. His son even ran one, Cobalt, Buffalo's onetime "gay club of the moment."

Carl Paladino freakin' loves the gays, got it?

And all those awful anti-gays things he's been saying to Brooklyn Super Jews and former Hooters waitress on Fox News? Well, he didn't mean any of it, really.

Of course he didn't mean "gays were lesser human beings" because they're gross and God hates them or anything, but simply that homosexuality is not an "equally valid and successful option" because of all the discrimination gay people face, especially from vulgar Teabagger pricks desperate to pick up the racist/homophobe/beastiality vote.

He sensitizes with the sick freaks, hell even his own nephew is one of them speedo-wearing, hip grinding deviants, and you don't see Carl marching over to his house, trying to smack some heterosexual sense into the poor bastard!

I am Carl Paladino, a father, a husband, a builder and a business owner. I am neither perfect, nor a career politician. I have made mistakes in this campaign - I have made mistakes all my life- as we all have. I am what I am - a simple man who works hard, trusts others, and loves his family and fears for the future of our State...
My personal beliefs are:
1) I am a live and let live person.
2) I am 100% against discrimination of any group. I oppose discrimination of any kind in housing, credit, insurance benefits or visitation.
3) I am 100% against hate crimes in any form.
4) I am in support of civil agreements and equal rights for all citizens.
5) My position on marriage is based on my personal views. I have the same position on this issue as President Barrack Obama. I have previously stated I would support a referendum by New York voters. I have proposed Initiative and Referendum so New Yorkers can decide important issues like this.
6) The portrayal of me as anti-gay is inconsistent with my lifelong beliefs and actions and my prior history as an father, employer and friend to many in the gay and lesbian community.
I am concerned with the future for all our citizens, gay, straight, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish and Muslim and Agnostic. If elected as your governor I will stand and fight for all gay New Yorkers rights...Please go to my website www.paladinoforthepeople.com to learn more detail about the issues including my staunch support for civil rights for all New Yorkers.

Including the right to view all the horse-on-chick porn your puritan heart desires. So the moral of the story is this: Gays, meet your new best friend and fiercest defender Carl PaladinObama.

Countdown 'til Carl Paladino comes skipping out of the closet in a tight black speedo, stiletto heels, and hot pink boa singing RuPaul's "You Better Work" a cappella, snapping his fingers fiercely across his body and blowing air kisses every which way, 3...2...1...NOW!

Constitutional-Lovin' Republicans (+Joe Lieberman) Discuss The Various Ways To Shred It...For Freedom!

Wingnuts from sea to shining sea, across this great land, are coming out in droves over the arrest of would-be Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad, each with their own unique perspective on how best to (mis)treat this awful terror suspect, and deny him his constitutional rights as a naturalized American citizen. Hooray!

But with so many congressional crazies saying so many asinine things, it's hard to decide which fair wingnut on the wall is indeed the nuttiest of them all!

Naturally, leading the chorus of shrieking weasels on the right is Arizona's own Mexican-hatin' maverick John McCain, who simply doesn't understand why we don't pick and choose which Americans deserve rights under the law.

Like which (if any!) detained suspects, especially Pakistani-born American ones, deserve to be reminded of their constitutionally-guaranteed right to remain silent.

"I think obviously that [mirandizing Shahzad] would be a serious mistake until we've—at least until we find out as much information as we have, and there are ways—legal ways—of delaying that."— Sen. John McCain (R-AZ).

Like a quick cat nap to help refresh your Alzheimer's-ravaged mind?

Of course, you might assume that someone who spent half a decade rotting away in a Vietnamese cage with no rights whatsoever in the defense of this nation and its system of justice, would have the utmost respect for the rule of law. You might also assume that said person would still have some semblance of integrity left in tact. You would, of course, be wrong on both fronts, however.

Luckily, that other shrill voice of hysteria reason, Rep. Peter King never really had any credibility to begin with, unless you consider his one-man boycott over the media's coverage of that no-good lowlife Michael Jackson's death, a sicko pervert he wouldn't even let in the same room as his child or grandchild. He doesn't care if the King of Pop moonwalked his way into it!

Well, luckily for us, Long Island's own King of Nothing, Peter King, has his own ideas about what to do with the newest scumsucker on the block, a common Muslim named Faisal Shahzad.

"I hope that [Attorney General Eric] Holder did discuss this with the intelligence community. If they believe they got enough from him, how much more should they get?"

"Did they Mirandize him? I know he's an American citizen but still." — Rep. Peter King (R-NY).

BUT STILL!! Sure he's an "American" and all, BUT STILL, does this really mean he deserves to be treated as one? Does anyone, really?

Eh, not really, according to Connecticut's favorite sniveling pariah, Joe Lieberman, whose own one-man jihad on fun and the dumb rule of law includes maybe changing the Constitution, sometimes, for some people, like those "affiliated with foreign terrorist organizations."

"I think it's time for us to look at whether we want to amend that law to apply it to American citizens who choose to become affiliated with foreign terrorist organizations, whether they should not also be deprived automatically of their citizenship, and therefore be deprived of rights that come with that citizenship when they are apprehended and charged with a terrorist act," Sen. Joe Lieberman said.

Ooooh, does this include his other terrorist affiliations, like big business and the Republican Party??

Although, we must admit, there is something incredibly tempting about the thought of Joe Lieberman no longer having the constitutional right to make the rest of us want to immediately denounce our citizenship, and hastily flee somewhere where they don't elect backstabbing traitors, moonlighting as constitutional shredders, as their esteemed representatives.

But surely somewhere in the Grand Old Party of terror-fightin' Constitutional scholars and loyal patriots of freedom and teabags, there is at least a single voice of reason, right?

"He is a citizen of the United States, so I say we uphold the laws and the Constitution on citizens. If you are a citizen, you obey the law and follow the Constitution. [Shahzad] has all the rights under the Constitution."

"We don't shred the Constitution when it is popular. We do the right thing."

And yes, apparently, there are times when that does include listening to the craziest mother of 'em all, Fox News's own blue-eyed angel of truth and tears, Glenn Lee Beck.

The now, sole voice of reason(?) left in the Republican Party.

So, God bless America? We're certainly gonna need it!

Though, I guess if things get really bad, we can just take Rush Limbaugh's advice and move to a place where silly, trivial things like the Constitution don't matter much anyway. Ya know, like Somalia or Arizona or whatever.

Look on the bright side, at least unregulated access to all of Rush's favorite narcotics will be a whole lot easier to snag!

Salty, Straight Rep. Eric Massa Doesn't Enjoy Steamy Showers With "Satan's Spawn" Rahm Emanuel

Salty sailor and socialist sex monster Rep. Eric Massa is finally setting the record straight (ha ha, straight) on his whole real cancer/gay cancer resignation scandal that sent shock waves across the world Page Six of the New York Post.

Turns out, New York's own Eric Massa is a totally normal, red-blooded, fiercely heterosexual American man having fun at a wedding, gettin' George W. Bush level wasted from fifteen gin & tonics and—like any straight guy would—saying he wanted to bang a male staffer, and suddenly the uptight Democrats are trying to push the guy out of the House for being all gay and weird and possibly casting the deciding vote that would kill health care reform.

Luckily, the dedicated journalists and free speech activists over at Fox News have wised up to Democratic tricks like smearing their obviously homosexual fellow DEMONcrat and health care salt-in-the-wound Eric Massa as homosexual, after saying some massively gay thing to another male, making said male most uncomfortable.

Ooooh, this one has Pulitzer written all over it. Yay, Fox!

"I was with my wife. And in fact we had a great time. She got the stomach flu," he said.

Massa said he had just gotten up to sing "Auld Lang Syne" (some weird Scottish tune) and had finished dancing with the bride and bridesmaid — in full view of cameras — when he sat back down at a table with male staff members. That’s when he made the "inappropriate" remark.

"One of them looked at me and, as they would do after, I don't know, 15 gin and tonics, and goodness only knows how many bottles of champagne, a staff member made an intonation to me that maybe I should be chasing after the bridesmaid, and his points were clear and his words were far more colorful than that.

"And I grabbed the staff member sitting next to me and said, 'Well, what I really ought to be doing is fracking you,'" he said.

"And then [I] tousled the guy’s hair and left, went to my room, because I knew the party was getting to a point where it wasn’t right for me to be there. Now was that inappropriate of me? Absolutely. Am I guilty? Yes."

OMG, can you believe these terrible Democrats and their McCarthy witch hunt? I mean what totally, 100% straight male doesn't throw back a few brewskies and immediately start grabbing the nearest hot piece of man tail available?

It is like the Dems were looking for something, anything, to get rid of the salty sailor who loves dick (not Cheney) but hates any reform that is less than a full-scale government takeover of health care.

And all it took was one "salty" drunken comment for the Democratic "forces that be" to "orchestrate a character assassination" to push dear Massa out of the House of Representatives and prevent him from shattering the hopes of affordable, quality health care for those schlubs without the luxury of having the prefixes Sen. or Rep. attached to their name.

"Mine is now the deciding vote on the health care bill and this administration and this House leadership have said, quote-unquote, they will stop at nothing to pass this health care bill, and now they've gotten rid of me and it will pass. You connect the dots," Massa said.

"The future of the Democratic Party rests on passing this health care bill. They can get anyone to say anything about me concerning anything at all and in fact they did."

It's not that hard when you're a randy former seaman with a sharp tongue and a history of wholly inappropriate conduct especially when it involves crude slangs for "doin' the nasty."

But with all this Eric Massa news, and so many claims of naked penis sightings between him, Rahm Emanuel, Glenn Beck, a male staffer at a wedding and in the Congressional Showers, it's hard to keep track of which ding-a-ling belongs to which strapping, male owner.

Luckily, there's the innocent victim himself to tell us the real truth about this democratic "witch hunt" to oust him from power.

Of course, like all problems in society, the source of this evil plot against Rep. Massa comes from notorious pitbull and hater of retarded people, White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel, the most terrible, evil, n'er do well since that good-for-nothin' NObama stole the election and illegally claimed the White House.

"Rahm Emanuel is son of the devil's spawn," Massa said on his radio show. "He is an individual who would sell his mother to get a vote. He would strap his children to the front end of a steam locomotive."

Oooooh, sounds sexy! Go on??

Rahm also had the nerve to visit New York's 29th back when he was head of the DCCC to "inspect" this not-at-all-gay Navy monster and tell him to ease up with the whole raging, red-faced anger ball routine, saying, "I don't want you on T.V. tonight to be angry. Just take it down a notch."

The nerve of that terrible battering Rahm, offering advice to help a fellow Democrat actually win the House seat, which he lost, in his first run. Ooops!

But that's not it! Massa also described a heated exchange he had with a naked, now-White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel years later in the House gym, where the shower curtains had 'inexplicably' been removed. Hmmm, whatever you say Massa.

"I'm ... naked as a jay bird, and here comes Rahm Emanuel, not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his finger in my chest, yelling at me because I wasn't going to vote for the president's budget," Massa said. "Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?"

But, also how oddly arousing...

Of course, actual sex with a naked man is a whole other animal. Likely a prize-winning stallion with a very large package ego, known to most as Rahm Emanuel. But you can just call him Rahmbo!

Salty New York Rep. Eric Massa Resigns Due To Either Real Cancer Or Gay Cancer

Uh-Oh, another one bites the dust.

Now, normally when you hear a congressman has decided to call it quits amid a sordid sex scandal, one naturally assumes that for a Republican this likely means a little same-sex monkey business, while for a Democrat, more likely than not it involves the good kind of infidelity, namely the non-gay kind.

Not so, my friends!

Thanks to Rep. Eric Massa (D-N.Y.), this blanket stereotype just won't do anymore! Or will it??

Turns out, the freshman Representative will not seek re-election, after only one term in office in light of allegations that the congressman, who is married with two children, "sexually harassed a male staffer."

Which is crazy because everyone knows Massa is one of the most liberal Congressman, which means it was already basically public record that this guy loooves gays and poors. The dude even wants a single-payer health care for Christ's sake, which is the kind when white people are all rounded up by Obama's death squads and sent to the gulag where they will be randomly experimented on before being disposed of in the least cost-effective way possible.

But apparently, not everyone is sold on the "whole harassed a male staffer" thing being reported by Politico, with another source, CQ Politics, saying that Massa is "is leaving because of a recurrence of cancer."

Well, which one is it, cancer or gay?

Massa denied that any allegations of misconduct have been brought against him, saying, "When someone makes a decision to leave Congress, everybody says everything. I have health issues. I'll talk about it [later]."

Massa explained that he'd been hospitalized in December with a third "cancer scare," admitting he'd withheld this information from his staff.

"I kept this private, and I told only members of my immediate family. I did not tell my staff," Massa said.

With rumors of his gayness swirling, Massa blasted the press, calling the reports" unsubstantiated without fact or backing" and "a symptom of what's wrong with this city."

"Do I or have I ever used salty language especially when I'm angry, in the privacy of my inner office or at home? Yes I have and I've apologized where it's appropriate," Massa explained.

"I made my statement. The allegations are totally false. I'm a salty old sailor. That's that," Massa said.

Of course, aside from high sodium levels, the former U.S. Navy officer did suffer from non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma while serving as the Special Assistant to NATO Commander General Wesley Clark during the Bosnian conflict, but returned to the U.S. to undergo treatment, survived, and was thought to be completely cured.

Of cancer that is. The gay must have come back.

But either way Massa won't be back for a second term, instead taking time to fight whatever disease is currently rampaging through his body.

Cancer, gay, I mean, is there really a difference? At a certain point, aren't we just splitting hairs here?

Houston We Have a Problem: Annise Parker to be First Openly Gay Mayor in City History

Holy flaming cannoli! After stinging defeats in Maine and that godless cesspool New York, it seemed those feisty gays would be condemned to eternally wander, cold and alone, with nary a constitutional protection to call their own.

But then like a beautiful rainbow after the storm, a glimmer of light broke through the dark menacing clouds, and there, deep in the Red-blooded heart of Texas, history was made.

Much like its fellow unlikely Defender of Queer, Iowa, America's fourth-largest city, Houston, figured why the hell not join the progress party and elect their very own gay to public office. For fun!

Despite the double edged-sword of being both a woman and a sinful lesbian in a state not known to be particularly fond of either, City controller Annise Parker handily defeated her Democratic challenger, former city attorney Gene Locke, 53 percent to 47 percent, to claim victory as the first openly gay (and second openly female) mayor in Houston's history.

Other cities such as Providence, Rhode Island, and Portland, Oregon, have picked openly gay mayors, but they don't really count since neither state has ever prided themselves on being a bunch of homophobic racists hellbent on seceding from the God-awful Union of sin called America. Turns out, ignorance, bigotry and deep-seated aversion to change does bring with it certain advantages.

Like making it extra special when the very city that just a few years ago rejected offering benefits to same-sex partners of city workers, in a state that already banned gay marriage, suddenly votes to elect a member of this dreaded species into power as its fabulous new mayor.

"There's a certain segment of Houston, there's a certain segment of society that has problems with the issues around sexual orientation," 53-year-old Annise Parker said. "But the citizens of Houston have elected me six consecutive times to public office. They know me, they trust me."

"Houston is a multiracial, multicultural, international city. And I think my election will send a message to the world that Houston is a city that might surprise a lot of folks."

“Tonight the voters of Houston have opened the door to history," Parker said, standing by her partner of 19 years, Kathy Hubbard, and their three adopted children. "I acknowledge that. I embrace that. I know what this win means to many of us who never thought we could achieve high office."

"I have always stood up for the fact that I am gay. It's part of the resume that I bring to the table, but it's just a piece of the package," she said.

The real problem isn't the fact that this proud Texan's a Democrat, woman, or even a gay. But something much, much worse: a Rice alum (gasp!).

Which effectively means the Republic of Texas' days of being the reliable outpost of backwards-thinking cowboys, confederates, and Jesus freak secessionists we've come to know and laugh at, are officially on life support.

Guess Grandma isn't the only one who needs to be worried about plug-pulling death squads.

New York Nixes Gay Marriage, Reminding Us That It's Still a State in Appalachia

Just Not In Their Backyard

Yay! The land of the free remains but a cruel joke as the rights of that one group of colorful misfits known as the gays were once again denied equal rights and the same constitutional protections granted to the rest of us normal, God-loving breeders.

That's right folks! The good people of the New York State Senate voted 24-38 to defeat marriage equality and keep the gays guessing about if and when they'll be treated like real, worthy American citizens instead of some well-dressed alien species out to destroy the bedrock of society, heterosexual marriage, in all its sacred 50% divorce rate.

Thanks to the hard work of eight key swing Democrats, who hold a slight one-seat majority, the bill was handily defeated and apocalypse avoided. Naturally, not a single Republican senator voted for the bill lest they give people the impression they support gays or heavens forbid, have gone gay themselves.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg applauded "the 24 senators who courageously and compassionately voted 'yes,'" and expressed his disappointment at the Senate's rejection of the same-sex marriage bill and and true equality and justice for all New Yorkers.

If only there were something Bloomie could have done? Perhaps, something in short supply, everyone wants, and he has more than enough of?

No, not money, silly! The freedom to enter and end as many loveless, miserable marriages as his little hetero heart desires.

Trying 9/11 Terrorists In NY? Eh. Rudy's Just Glad To See We're At "War" Again

Hahahahahaha, Republicans are funny! You just never know what they'll come up with next!

Which is what makes Attorney General Eric Holder's opening remarks to the Senate Judiciary Committee about the administration's decision to bring terror suspects, including 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to trial in New York so exciting! No one knows what crazy response some GOP senator or representative may cook up while daydreaming about all the fun and awesome ways something could go terribly awry (keep your fingers crossed!).

"I'm not scared of what Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has to say at trial," Holder said. "And no one else needs to be afraid either...I have every confidence that the nation and the world will see him for the coward that he is."

"We need not cower in the face of this enemy. Our institutions are strong, our infrastructure is sturdy, our resolve is firm and our people are ready," Holder said. "It is past time to finally act by bringing prosecutions."

Holder also responded to criticism from nutballs like Liz Cheney who think, much like Obama's bow of respect, the decision shows a "pre-9/11" mentality, and that the government doesn't understand this is war time.

"I know we are at war," Holder said. "Those who suggest otherwise are simply wrong."

President Obama echoed this sentiment, saying the American people should have no concern about the capability of civilian courts to try suspected terrorists, despite what moronic lies the GOP bogeymen may say to freak everyone out (since that's their job!).

"I think this notion that we have to be fearful that these terrorists possess some special powers that prevent us from presenting evidence against them, locking them up and exacting swift justice, I think that has been a fundamental mistake," Obama told CNN.

However, Eric Holder's tough words did make one Republican feel all warm and fuzzy inside. No, not his decision to try the 9/11 plotters in New York City like a normal country with a functional justice system, but his use of one special word. A word very dear to Rudy Giuliani's heart: war.

You see Rudy knows the most important thing in the war on terror is the catch-phrase we use to describe it.

So naturally it made him very relieved to see that the Attorney General Holder had the "fortitude" to use the two awesomest words in the English dictionary, "war" and "terror," in the same sentence.

"I was glad to see Holder say 'we're at war,'" Giuliani said on an RNC-sponsored call with reporters. "I had thought we had virtually stopped being at war with the terrorists."

Which would be terribly tragic but not surprising coming from some peace-loving hippie dippie community organizer (who bows!) like Obama.

But, Giuliani is hopeful the use of the word would hearken back to a return to the delightful Bush-era "War On Terror" which Giuliani said President Obama has abandoned, both in rhetoric and actions.

"I was under the impression that the Obama administration thought this was just an unfortunate situation we're dealing with."

"'War' is important," he said. Not to mention fun, exciting, and a great way to unwind after a rough day at the office!

But despite giving props to Holder for finally having the balls to say the precious W and T-words in a single sentence, Giuliani, like any good Republican lemming, reiterated his opposition to bringing terror trials to Manhattan, which he said would put a city already in constant danger of terror attack at greater risk, and incur "enormous expense" providing increased security around the high-profile legal proceedings.

New York "is already a primary target," he said. "There's no reason to add to the risk."

Hmmm, on second thought this just may be the big risk break Rudy's been looking for. Think of all the good the first 9/11 did for Rudes. Another 9/11, and he's got this thing in the bag!

Can you say Rudy 2012?

John Shadegg Knows We Should Never Surrender To Terrorists By Surrendering To Terrorists

Adorably unstable Arizona Rep. John Shadegg--whose awesome argument against health care reform was to drag infant baby "Maddie" onto the House floor to "explain" (in a deep man's voice) why she no likey Obama's doomsday health care plan to insure all Americans and offer free abortions for all the other babies not lucky enough to escape the liberal holocaust of the unborn--has set his sights on a new target: Mayor Michael Bloomberg for having the gall to claim New Yorkers aren't afraid of hosting terror trials.

Ha ha Mr. Tough Guy Billionaire Mike! Well, John over here wants to know just how tough Bloomie will be when it's his two daughters who are kidnapped walking down Madison Ave in broad daylight!

"I saw the Mayor of New York said today, 'We're tough. We can do it.' Well, Mayor, how are you going to feel when it's your daughter that's kidnapped at school by a terrorist? How are you going to feel when it's some clerk -- some innocent clerk of the court -- whose daughter or son is kidnapped? Or the jailer's little brother or little sister? This is political correctness run amok."

God damn right it is! Luckily there's someone as smart and sensible as John Shadegg to warn the American people what can happen, no make that, what will happen if we allow 9/11 suspects like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to be tried in a civilian court and afford him due process of the law instead of pouring water over him while he's blindfolded, naked and strapped to a table for an indefinite period of time in some secret island prison in Cuba.

If there's one thing that really pisses Al-Qaeda off more than infidel Americans acting like, well, infidel Americans, it's hosting trials of high-level terrorist suspects using standard court procedures instead of letting their fear and irrationality drive them to depart from their normal rules of justice to create naked pyramids and beat the hate out of them using their holy book, the Koran.

The last thing we want is for KSM and other 9/11 perpetrators to think we're "surrendering to terrorists" because we're too scared sh*tless of what they might do to us (not counting those two towers or anything) to hold them accountable for the deaths of thousands of Americans in a court of law on our own soil.

Which is why we're so fortunate to have courageous Republicans like John Shadegg to exploit the fears and insecurities of the public by insisting that "the safety and security of the American people" means that we must abandon our long-held belief in justice and the rule of law when dealing with terrorists.

Unlike those crazy Democrats and Independents like Mayor Bloomberg who have enough faith in the American justice system to think those responsible for killing Americans should actually be tried in America of all places!

When everyone knows if we ever capture Osama bin Laden, the smartest, most logical thing to do would be to send him to a place more capable of carrying out proper justice than the dumb U.S. of A.

You know, a country we trust...like Afghanistan.

GOP: Meaningless Wins In VA, NJ Prove Obama Should Immediately Resign

Last month, I told you all about Robert F. "Bob" McDonnell and the skeleton in his closet coming in the form of a 93-page master’s thesis written when Bob was a wee 34-year-old evangelical grad student trying to find his place among the "cohabitators," "homosexuals," "fornicators," "working women," "feminists," "abortionists" and the rest of the heathens responsible for this cesspool of sin clogging America's moral judgment.

Fast forward to Nov. 3 2009, when this nice, God-fearing man has managed to push this decades-old pile o' bones college-ruled papers back in the storage closet behind all the old linens and photo-albums and handily defeat Democratic challenger Creigh Deeds to assume his rightful place as the new Governor of Virginia. Wooohooo!

This means that Virginia can finally break free from the Socialist grip of last year's terrible NObama disaster after 44 fabulous years of Republican domination in the state, a period nostalgically known in GOP circles as Pax Virginia.

And with GOP victories of any kind not exactly easy to come by these days, you can be sure the Republicans weren't about to pass up the chance to prove they're not just the party of centenarians, secessionists, and off-the-hook chairmen.

"These significant victories speak to the fantastic campaigns run by Republicans across the Commonwealth and the voters’ clear rejection of liberal tax and spend policies that Washington Democrats are trying to force on Americans," Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele said.

House Minority Whip and runner-up in the Republican inappropriate behavior contest Eric Cantor (R-Va.) managed to pry himself away from the Twitter app on his blackberry to congratulate McDonnell supporters on sending a clear message to national politicians (in more than 140 characters): "Enough with the incredible reach of government into our lives."

"Bob McDonnell has led us to victory after eight dark years in the wilderness...You know what's so great: Bob ran a great campaign, but it was also a positive campaign."

Meaning the Republicans didn't even have to resort to their usual playbook of lying, manipulating and deceiving their way into power. Yay!

Conservative Party candidate and third-wheel surprise in New York's 23rd Congressional District, Doug Hoffman is hoping this GOPmentum extends to his campaign to return Congress to responsible, conservative hands.

"Hopefully the Republican party, of which I’m a lifelong member, utilizes this energy and excitement of people coming to my support because we’ll need it in 2010," he said. "We’re just standing up for the core values that made America strong — less government, less taxes, less spending."

Ah yes, the very definition of George W. Bush's eight year reign, bringing prosperity and peace throughout the land.

Or at least to the 1,600 acres on his Crawford, Texas ranch.

Mr. "Community Organizer" Reverts To His Race-Baiting Self--Must Be Election Time!

I See Black People!

Rudy Giuliani doesn't much care for "community organizers" or any other secret code name disingenuous former New York City mayors like to use to describe scary black people when pandering to whites-preferred groups like the Republican Party.

Especially when trying to convince a group of frail old Superjews in Brooklyn to vote for Mayor Michael Bloomberg over that frightening, strange-colored man Democrat Bill Thompson.

"I worried daily [in his last days in office] that the city might be turned back to the way it was before 1993—and you know exactly what I'm talking about," Giuliani said. Wink wink.

"This community remembers the fears, the worries and the crimes—and the great fear of going out at night and walking the streets...This city could very easily be taken back in a very different direction — it could very easily be taken back to the way it was with the wrong political leadership."

In other words, elect a black mayor over his perfectly white opponent and it's back to the Shtetl for you, nice old Jewish people who are so easy to scare.

"This is a tired Republican campaign tactic — scare people into voting by threatening their personal safety,” Anne Fenton, spokeswoman for the Thompson campaign, said. "It didn’t work for Rudy Giuliani during his abysmal presidential bid, and it’s not going to work for Mike Bloomberg this year."

City Councilman Bill de Blasio was also appalled.

“Giuliani’s comments verge on race-baiting,” he said. “Bloomberg should disavow those comments and show that he doesn’t buy into that kind of rhetoric.”

What are you crazy? He's a billionaire with the last name Bloomberg. Asking him to not buy something is like asking Rudy Giuliani to actually believe in something.

Fuggedaboudit! Neither one's gonna happen.

President Obama Offers To Guide Gov. David Paterson Out The Door

Ummm, this is gonna be awkward. No one likes being the bearer of bad news--especially when it involves telling a black, legally-blind Democratic friend to kindly withdraw from New York's governor's race on the basis of being less popular than swine flu and Eliot Spitzer combined. Quite a feat!

It is highly unusual for a sitting president to request a member of his own party (and own race!) step aside, but then again it is also highly unusual to replace one prostitute-scandalized governor with another even less competent version of the first, complete with some hot sexual indiscretions of his own. Drug confessions too!

"Is there concern about the situation in New York? Absolutely," an Obama official told the New York Times. "Has that concern been conveyed to the governor? Yes."

Does said governor give a sh*t what a racist like President Obama wants? Ha ha, not even a little bit.

"The message the White House wanted to send — that it wants Paterson to step aside — was delivered," said one Democratic operative. "He is resistant."

"I've said time and time again I am going to run for governor next year," Paterson explained. "My plans have not changed."

Apparently Gov. David Paterson's blindness is not limited to vision alone, but even worse, also to the fact that for the Democrats, he's pretty much equivalent to political cancer.

And last I checked (unlike a certain commander-in-chief), cancer doesn't care what color your skin is. It's more of an-equal opportunity poison. Very PC.

New York Congressman Pete King Will Not Honor Dead Pop Stars Who Aren't Cops

Long Island congressman Pete King is very upset. So upset in fact that he too has decided to take his wrath to the Internets and broadcast his very important message on the YouTube for all the world to see.

But what has Pete so hot around the collar? Michael Jackson, that's what!

What Congressman King doesn't understand is why the media is falling all over itself to honor a freak like Michael Jackson instead of the good men and women of our country who are dying everyday in Iraq and Afghanistan and fighting fires and working in AIDS clinics and just being regular folks who don't have chimps as best friends and live in amusement parks where they never grow old.

But noooo. Suddenly this "lowlife dies and his name, his face, his picture is all over the newspapers, TV, and radio, all we hear about is Michael Jackson!"

"Let's knock out the psycho babble. This guy was a pervert, a child molester, a pedophile, and to be giving him this much coverage, day in and day out, what does this say about us as a country?"

You mean other than oddly obsessed with celebrities, death, or even better, a combination of both who makes our lives look totally normal by comparison?

"I just think we're too politically correct as a country. No one want's to stand up and say we don't need Michael Jackson...But to glorify him like some hero? There's nothing good about this guy. He may have been a good singer, did some dancing, but the bottom line is would you let your child or grandchild be in the same room as Michael Jackson?"

With the King of Pop? Hell yeah!! But Peter T. King of Nothing? Eh, no thanks.

Obama Uses Air Force Photo Op As Fun Excuse To Terrorize Wall Street

Well, well if it isn't Barack Obama once again terrorizing the good people of this country--including his favorite target, the innocent lambs on Wall Street.

This time, it wasn't his usual arsenal of executive pay caps, increased government oversight, and sensible tax policies that sent New Yorkers into a tizzy, but something far, far more sinister: the perfect Air Force One photo op!

Now, President Obama wasn't actually on the plane (he was in Washington at the time) and was not even informed in advance of Air Force One's low-altitude joy ride over New York harbor, which caused terrified Wall Street workers to flee buildings and run screaming into the streets for something other than the latest Dow Jones Industrial average.

But that didn't stop President Obama, who was also apparently furious about the incident, from apologizing and ordering an immediate review of the little publicity stunt that cost taxpayers $328,835 and caused a furor in the otherwise tranquil pastures of New York’s financial district.

“It was a mistake,” Obama said. “It will not happen again.”

God damn right it won't. Because John McCain is on it, my friends! And an apology and acceptance of responsibility from White House Military Office director Louis Caldera just ain't gonna cut it.

It doesn't matter that federal officials “took the proper steps to notify state and local authorities in New York and New Jersey" who then apparently forgot to share the information with Mayor Bloomberg.

What matters to Mr. McCain is that "the disruption and panic caused by the flight should have been foreseeable."

To think, if only Obama had even a fraction of the foresight the man who gave us Sarah Palin has, this whole mess could have been avoided altogether. Just imagine where we'd be then!

Move Over Plaxico, This Gal's Got Aim!

She may look sweet and innocent, but don't be fooled. New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand will f**k you up.

The congresswoman and mother of two keeps two rifles under the bed she shares with her husband Jonathan in their upstate New York home. And she is not afraid to use them.

Although Gillibrand admits neither she nor her husband hunts, she says, "If I want to protect my family, if I want to have a weapon in the home, that should be my right."

You hear that New York? Good. Now give your new state senator the respect she deserves. Oh and say hello to her little friend too.

The Audacity Of Dope

"Got Dope?"

You've heard of Barack Obama t-shirts, bumper stickers, buttons, mugs, bags, magnets and countless other items featuring El Presidente's likeness.

Well now you can add heroin to the illustrious, ever-growing list of Obama-branded merchandise. Capitalism rules!

The Smoking Gun reports that cops in upstate New York arrested five suspects for their roles in a drug ring that allegedly sold heroin under several brand names, including their newest best-seller, "Obama."

It is no surprise that Obama heroin is the hottest drug to hit the streets, beating out other fan favorites like bin Laden heroin, Harry Potter Ecstasy, Teletubbies cocaine, and green-tinted crack in honor of St. Patrick's Day.

Looks like Mr. Barack Hussein Obama comes out on top once again. Is there anything this man can't do?