Andrew Breitbart Shocks The World By Pulling His Biggest Stunt Yet: Dropping Dead

Right wing internet provocateur or as Alec Baldwin so eloquently put it, "festering boil on the anus of public discourse," Andrew Breitbart, has died in Los Angeles at age 43 "of natural causes."

Which for a conservative typically means asphyxiating on a ball-gag in full latex body suit while strapped to a wall in a dank, dark basement with electric nipple clamps and a 12-inch steel studded dildo stuffed up his ass. Well, that or a heart attack. You know, natural stuff!

Unless karma is considered a "natural cause."

Either way, the world mourns the loss of a talented writer of headlines who worked tirelessly (and anonymously) as Matt Drudge's assistant on the West Coast, blowing the lid off many a hot story, perhaps none hotter than a certain slick Democratic President catching intern blow jobs in the Oval Office, and unfortunately-named liberal New York members of Congress tweeting grainy pictures of their own bare members to young ladies throughout cyberspace.

Breitbart leaves behind a wife and four children, along with a vile collection of websites including “Big Government” and "Big Hollywood," as well as the hundreds of idiotic half-literate bloggers they employ who share his zeal for mindlessly attacking every non-wingnut aspect of life on Earth but lack his uniquely amiable personality or signature face grizzle. 

While Andrew Breitbart may not have necessarily made the world a better, Brighter place, he did make it a Breiter, angrier, more whacked-out conspiracy filled one.

And so Breitbart died the way he lived: surrounded by partisan rancor and wingnut fanatics spouting off crackpot conspiracy theories about how he was really assassinated by NOBAMA, George Soros, Rahm Emanuel's Chicago goons, the militant Left, and probably Vladimir Putin as soon as was done wrestling half the endangered species in Russia. 

Just the way he would have wanted it!

So long, Andrew, you odd, angry, stubbly-faced little man. May you Rest in Peace. The kind of peace you worked so diligently to undermine while alive.

On the bright side, at least you don't have to pay those "Big Government" taxes anymore. Though you will still likely have to contend with the good-for-nothin' maggots, worms, and creepy-crawly blood sucking leeches, albeit of the non-partisan variety.

A rebel to the very end, even in death, Andrew Breitbart defied conventional wisdom.

Dead at only 43? And I thought only the good died young!

Guess all that's left now is "Big Funeral."

[image via Politico]

Anthony Weiner's Weiner Still Works, Is Still All Over The Internet, & Is Still A Big, Throbbing Distraction

Another day, another pathetic, sadsack politician feeling the heat because he couldn't keep it in his pants, or in this case, off Andrew Breitbart's pervy iPhone.

And this time, the no-longer-contained-in-boxer-briefs weiner in question belongs to none other than aptly named New York congressman Anthony Weiner, who apparently managed to put his wonderful, web-cruising weiner in his wife at least once, recently, when not taking pictures of it to send to strangers on Twitter.

Which is, umm, good because now Mrs. Weiner, Huma Abedin, is three months pregnant, presumably with his spawn, unless of course Huma was also slyly chat rouletting her hooha to complete strangers on the internet.

So yes, America's modern-day Bill Clinton (Democrats + Erections + Internets = William Jefferson Clinton) Anthony Weiner and his grand ambition to seduce strangers with unsolicited sausage shots become mayor of New York City is likely over, for now at least, and quite possibly his political career in general.

Unless, the American people are willing to forgive Sir Weiner for his sexting and shlong sending sins, which of course can only be accomplished by crying like a little schoolgirl and tearfully admitting (with certitude!) that yes, that is indeed his bulging groin in question and yes he, not some mysterious hacker, did send them to a lady or six, to a roomful of reporters on national teevee.

Since in typical Democratic fashion, Anthony forgot to read the sex scandal manual and didn't actually sex any of the half-dozen or so random ladies in question, hike the Appalachian trail to hot Argentinian mistresses, catch BJs from an intern, bang prostitutes, wear diapers, misuse public funds, or break any laws, but rather just tempted them with a bunch of embarrassingly lame, grade-school photos of a peen snuggled cozily in gray boxers, he has no plans to resign from office.

“I have made some terrible mistakes,” Weiner told reporters. “I have not been honest.”
Mr. Weiner said that after he sent the underwear photo on Twitter on May 27, “Once I realized I had posted it on Twitter I panicked, I took it down and said I’d been hacked.”
He added, “To be clear, the picture was of me, and I sent it.”
Mr. Weiner said he had inappropriate communications with six women over the past three years as part of a “consensual exchange of e-mails” with the women.

Awww, how sweet! But even this tearful admission doesn't change the fact that Weiner has acted like, well, a colossal Weiner these past few days, using the internet as his own personal X-Rated Sexy Lady Sims Game, then lying about for days once he got caught, and pretty much acting like an all-around jackass (even more so than usual) on some whirlwind, inexplicable media blitz to make himself appear even guiltier than everyone already assumed.

On the bright side, Weiner did manage to knock up his wife while digitally frolicking with random women in cyberspace (yay?), plus he most likely didn't violate House rules by using congressional resources to send said dick pics to his various ladyfriends (save for the $1.50 or so it cost to sex-chat one of 'em on his official congressional phone), and is one of the few politicians to accomplish the rare feat of getting caught in a humiliating, possibly career-ending sex scandal that doesn't actually involve sex.

And the Weiner is...

Tony's Tiger...It's Grrrrrreat!

Republicans Love Blacks & Mexicans So Much, They Just Can't Stop Saying & Doing Weird, Racist Things All The Time

The world's dopiest illegal stasher of $7 million secret RNC debt, Chairman Michael Steele (who else, yo?) and most deviant duper of liberals and black racists in the White House and NAACP, right-wing media monster mogul Andrew Breitbart are joining forces to create the biggest, most bad-ass fund-raising juggernaut the Republicans, no, make that the world, has ever seen!

Because, surely, rich, old white people be clamoring to get their their photo taken with their favorite national joke, and favorite national scumbag, respectively, at an awesome, fun-filled (albeit lesbian free) event in Beverly Hills on August 12.

There, Tweedledee and Tweedledum of Teabaggers will likely delight the crowd with all the things incompetent, bumbling fools and weaselly, a**hole duos do to "make money" off people who actually want to give their money to a Party that considers these two losers as a super-sexy fundraising draw. Oooh, sounds exciting!

Perhaps they will argue about who is less racist and loves black people more, the RNC Chairman who is so off-the-hook down with the brothas, he leads a Party that openly admitted to using racism as an actual strategy for the past 40+ years, or the white media maverick who tries to get innocent black USDA officials and longtime civil rights leaders fired for learning a valuable lesson about how the only the color that really matters is green, via partial video clips that don't show anything except how much Andrew adores black people everywhere except in the White House or the NAACP.

In fact, the Grand Old Party is sooooooo not racist, they won't even fire a black man for doing everything he could possibly do wrong except being black because that would look really bad for the party still steaming over Northern aggressors' demanding they stop enslaving 'em or hanging 'em from trees.

To be perfectly honest, the color-blind men and women in the Republican Party would love nothing more than to never discuss race again except when refusing to fire woefully incompetent chairmen because of said race (pssst: black!) because running an organization into the ground is how you prove that color matters less than content of character. For reals yo!

Just Like Martin Luther King (or was it Glenn Beck?) dreamed it would be.

Either way, this Steele-Breitbart cash money bonanza is nothing less than a pure COMEDY GOLD MINE!

And we all know how the Republicans feel about gold these days.

Even the black (gasp!) kind that oozes its delicious marine-killing goodness all over America's coastal shores.

I mean, how much more not racist can you get? Wanna know what else is totally, 100% not racist?

Arizona's ¡Adiós Amigos! law saying hasta la vista to all those dirty Mexicanas streaming across the border, contaminating their once-pure desert air.

Thanks to Judge Susan Bolton of the Federal District Court in Phoenix, who has issued “a preliminary injunction blocking the more controversial parts" of Arizona's Nazi immigration law, like the awesome "carry your papers" provision that helps solve the immigration problem by constantly harassing brown or similarly colored people who look suspiciously like terrible, gross Mexicans.

The overall law will still take effect Thursday, but without the provisions that angered opponents including sections that required officers to check a person's immigration status while enforcing other laws.

The judge also put on hold parts of the law that required immigrants to carry their papers at all times, and made it illegal for undocumented workers to solicit employment in public places. In addition, the judge blocked officers from making warrantless arrests of suspected illegal immigrants.

"Requiring Arizona law enforcement officials and agencies to determine the immigration status of every person who is arrested burdens lawfully-present aliens because their liberty will be restricted while their status is checked," U.S. District Judge Susan Bolton ruled.

Liberty shmiberty! What about Aryanzona's liberty to discriminate against poor migrant workers who may or may not be terrible illegals from Mexiland coming to rape their wives and steal their livestock? Or was it the other way around?

Who is going to fight for them? Who's going to stand up for the poor, scared white folks simply trying to keep their beautiful country free from red-and-green sombrero wearing invaders salsa-dancing across barbed wire fences and roving gangs of armed white supremacists all for the chance to give little José and Rosalita a better life by getting wantonly discriminated against by toothless, trigger happy sheriffs prowlin' for La Bamba blastin' truckloads of lawless Latino laborers??

Why, the freedom fighting daughter of famed 1955 California Nazi hunter and blond haired angel of the parched, Mexican drug lord-overrun apocalyptic wasteland of Aryanzona, Gov. Jan Brewer, of course!

“I am disappointed by Judge Susan Bolton’s ruling. This fight is far from over. In fact, it is just the beginning, and at the end of what is certain to be a long legal struggle, Arizona will prevail in its right to protect our citizens.

And protect the pure white sanctity of these once grand, once wholesome, once beautiful milky hued land of Gila Monsters and old white retirees in Cubs hats.

“I have consulted with my legal counsel about our next steps. We will take a close look at every single element Judge Bolton removed from the law, and we will soon file an expedited appeal at the United States Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit.”

Ugh, thanks a lot for ruining everything SUSAN BOLTON!  Why do you hate white people that much? Has  Shirley Sherrod taught you nothing?

Guess you leave G.I. Jan with no choice but to classify you as a dirty, illegal Messican, place you under arrest, and deport you to a dark, creepy place where no one in their right mind would ever dare venture.

And now that Arizona's is no longer an option, guess that leaves just one place: bound and gagged in the basement of a faux lezzie S&M bondage club. Or, in other words, the next RNC fundraiser.

Michael Steele will personally see to it that every inch of her body is thoroughly strip-searched to satisfaction. Heck, just to be on the safe side, he'll even do it himself.

Some things are just begging to be screwed.

Hooray! Right Wing Succeeds In Getting Innocent USDA Lady Fired, Degrading The Race Debate, & Making Everyone Involved Look Terrible, Except Photoshop!

Word of advice to the Obama administration. Next time some rightwing media blight like Andrew Breitbart releases some highly misleading, clearly tampered with video showing (former?) USDA’s Georgia Director Of Rural Development Shirley Sherrod--whose job is was to basically help poor people (of all colors!) not get screwed out of their farms--as a terrible racist like the rest of the NAACP, perhaps a wise idea would be to maybe use your brains and at least look into the facts of the situation before having an administration-wide panic attack and immediately firing that person like some idiot coward.

Just a suggestion. Ya know, one of those "lessons learned" moments. So maybe the next time you get handed a bogus wingnut video proving, without a doubt, that Shirley Sherrod is totally 100% an out-of-context, edited racist, you'll know better than to let freakin' ANDREW BREITBART become THE authority on who's racist and who's spent the last, oh, I don't know, 20 years fighting the very racism that caused all this trouble in the first place?

Just in case you don't feel the need to have another humiliating scandal that makes you look really scared and really stupid, courtesy of fat white slobs who aren't even in the Republicans in Congress! Unless, of course you want the current political discourse to be hijacked by slovenly hate mongers who insist it's the NAACP who are racist hypocrites (and probably slave owners too!), not scumbag journalists whose job is to make as many baseless, incendiary attacks as possible, with the end result being more embarrassing firings of perfectly innocent, slandered staffers.

Oh, and while we're at it, perhaps the NAACP could also try to remember for a second that they are called the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People and not the National Association for Throwing Random Black People Under The Bus Because Andrew Bretibart Tells You To.

Jesus Christ! I mean seriously people. Then maybe we can actually avoid embarrassing White House shake-ups, awkward retractions and apologies, presidential phone calls, and your basic all-around shitshow, distracting from what is really important:

Getting as much, or as little, accomplished as the Grand Obstructionist Party and Fox News will let them.

If they get on their knees and beg for their forgiveness. Oh, and promise to take back all the terrible things they've already done like help poor people and/or children not die from lack of health care, and make sure Wall Street doesn't get filthy rich doing filthy things to the nation's economy, and of course, its easily preyed upon citizenry.

Haha, who those dumb old things?  Don't worry about them. The GOP certainly won't after they bamboozle you out of power, take back both congressional chambers, and control of this country from the racists and bigots at the NAACP and in the White House.

That way, Obama and all the others can go hang with the rest of the unemployed Americans fired for absolutely no reason whatsoever, because America functions so much better when it's governed by Apex predators, who are never racist and have a knack for avoiding unasked-for-media circuses by terrible, discredited human beings (and we use the term "human beings" lightly), who vomit on their keyboard and get decent, hard-working women like Shirley Sherrod the ol' heave ho for having a brain and character, being honest, and caring deeply about her fellow human beings.

In other words, the complete opposite of Andrew Breitbart.

So, congratulations America on achieving another made-up media spectacle based on absolutely nothing and propelling the race debate in America further into the gutter!

Just watch out for Andrew Breitbart, he's known to lurk in dirty, unsuitable for most oxygen-breathing organisms who don't scavenge off the miseries of others.

But on the bright side, isn't it simply wonderful living in a beautiful, color-free world where a black man can be president and racism no longer exists except of course when said black president is forced to run scared and fire innocent, decades-long proponents of civil rights all because the White Man told him to?

Which makes perfect sense, considering everything Whites have had to endure, what with first losing their slaves, and then having to share bathrooms, buses, restaurants, water fountains, and even public schools (gasp!) with them.

Haven't the poor, long-suffering Whites been through enough?