Anthony Weiner's Weiner Still Works, Is Still All Over The Internet, & Is Still A Big, Throbbing Distraction

Another day, another pathetic, sadsack politician feeling the heat because he couldn't keep it in his pants, or in this case, off Andrew Breitbart's pervy iPhone.

And this time, the no-longer-contained-in-boxer-briefs weiner in question belongs to none other than aptly named New York congressman Anthony Weiner, who apparently managed to put his wonderful, web-cruising weiner in his wife at least once, recently, when not taking pictures of it to send to strangers on Twitter.

Which is, umm, good because now Mrs. Weiner, Huma Abedin, is three months pregnant, presumably with his spawn, unless of course Huma was also slyly chat rouletting her hooha to complete strangers on the internet.

So yes, America's modern-day Bill Clinton (Democrats + Erections + Internets = William Jefferson Clinton) Anthony Weiner and his grand ambition to seduce strangers with unsolicited sausage shots become mayor of New York City is likely over, for now at least, and quite possibly his political career in general.

Unless, the American people are willing to forgive Sir Weiner for his sexting and shlong sending sins, which of course can only be accomplished by crying like a little schoolgirl and tearfully admitting (with certitude!) that yes, that is indeed his bulging groin in question and yes he, not some mysterious hacker, did send them to a lady or six, to a roomful of reporters on national teevee.

Since in typical Democratic fashion, Anthony forgot to read the sex scandal manual and didn't actually sex any of the half-dozen or so random ladies in question, hike the Appalachian trail to hot Argentinian mistresses, catch BJs from an intern, bang prostitutes, wear diapers, misuse public funds, or break any laws, but rather just tempted them with a bunch of embarrassingly lame, grade-school photos of a peen snuggled cozily in gray boxers, he has no plans to resign from office.

“I have made some terrible mistakes,” Weiner told reporters. “I have not been honest.”
Mr. Weiner said that after he sent the underwear photo on Twitter on May 27, “Once I realized I had posted it on Twitter I panicked, I took it down and said I’d been hacked.”
He added, “To be clear, the picture was of me, and I sent it.”
Mr. Weiner said he had inappropriate communications with six women over the past three years as part of a “consensual exchange of e-mails” with the women.

Awww, how sweet! But even this tearful admission doesn't change the fact that Weiner has acted like, well, a colossal Weiner these past few days, using the internet as his own personal X-Rated Sexy Lady Sims Game, then lying about for days once he got caught, and pretty much acting like an all-around jackass (even more so than usual) on some whirlwind, inexplicable media blitz to make himself appear even guiltier than everyone already assumed.

On the bright side, Weiner did manage to knock up his wife while digitally frolicking with random women in cyberspace (yay?), plus he most likely didn't violate House rules by using congressional resources to send said dick pics to his various ladyfriends (save for the $1.50 or so it cost to sex-chat one of 'em on his official congressional phone), and is one of the few politicians to accomplish the rare feat of getting caught in a humiliating, possibly career-ending sex scandal that doesn't actually involve sex.

And the Weiner is...

Tony's Tiger...It's Grrrrrreat!

What Bends But Doesn't Break? Michael Steele After A Big GOP Sexytime Scandal!

Yo, yo America, it's your big pimpin', off-the-hook RNC Chairman of youth, Michael Steele comin' at ya live after this not-so-fly week involving me, some GOP peeps, and a couple stacks of Benjies bein' tossed around some bondage-themed Lezzy clubs. Holla back y'all!

Well, turns out not everyone in the hip hop Grand Old Party of Da Streets is down with all this donor S&M sexytime. Wassup wit dat?

"Republican National Committee chief of staff Ken McKay has resigned in the wake of a controversy over an expenditure at a risque California nightclub," RNC communications director Doug Heye said.

Awww, that's whack, yo!

Oh, suddenly, big donors don't want to spend the scrilla so Michael Steele can get bound, gagged, and whipped by a leather clad dominatrix named Destiny, who also shares a deep fear of big (black) government, and affordable, quality health care for all those who don't spend their evenings getting money stuffed in their panties while swinging 'round a poll.

Any way you slice it, the RNC is facing some serious sh*t right now. Fat cat donors are scramming left and right, and Republicans are scrambling for a way to keep the money rolling without resorting to their usual playbook of intelligence-insulting racist cartoons, billboards of hate, and/or late-night misadventures featuring two girls one pole.

But the RNC doesn't want to fire its first black chairman before the election, because then they might lose the black vote!

Ha ha. Just playin'! Michael Steele is GOP-for-life, for reals, yo!

"The members of the Republican National Committee entrusted myself and every staffer to lead the loyal opposition against the destructive Obama agenda, build a stronger Republican party and win elections. This is a role I take with the utmost seriousness. With this in mind, I want to do everything in my power to ensure that the committee uses all its resources in the best possible fashion," Steele said.

Throw your hands up if ya wit me! For all those whose hands are leather bound behind their back by faux lesbo strippers, feel free to give the Steele baby a shout-out instead!

Can I get a tort reform, small government, lower taxes, what what!?!

Asked whether being an African American gave him a "slimmer margin of error" than another chairman might have, Steele said:

"The honest answer is 'yes.' It just is. Barack Obama has a slimmer margin. We all -- a lot of folks do. It's a different role for me to play and others to play, and that's just the reality of it. But you take that as part of the nature of it."

See, ain't nothin' wrong with a little role-playing now and then to ease the mind. Helps keep the flava fresh!

Apparently not to boring White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, who called Steele's comment on race "silly," and said, "I think Michael Steele's problem isn't the race card, it's the credit card."

Eh, that or the RNC's (whore) house of cards.

Whatever, dog. That's why Mr. 'Balls Of" Steele prefers to roll the old school way: straight up, cold hard cash, baby! Dolla dolla bills, y'all!

Rielle Goes Huntin' For Respect, Sans Pants, Amid Stuffed Kermit And Barney Dolls

Wholesome, American-as-apple-pie, love bunnies Johnny Edwards and Rielle Hunter's fairy tale romance of dull, cancer-stricken wives, reckless infidelity, unchecked hubris, mass delusions, unbridled lust, wild, sex-filled romps, and one surprise li'l bundle of joy by the name of Quinn is now available for your voyeuristic pleasure, courtesy of Rielle Hunter's classy yet sexy new interview with the National Enquirer of glossy men's fashion magazines, GQ.

With some 10,000 words and enough fun, care-free pantsless photos to keep us titillated, mistress-turned-baby mama Rielle Hunter finally decided to open up something other than her nice, toned legs and give America the real scoop about life, love, the wrath of Lizzy, scorned, and of course, her "relationship" with number one hunky hero, "Johnny."

Among the highlights, or lowlights depending on your taste for pathetic, bizarre love triangles involving fallen presidential candidates, snooty, terminally ill wives, and trashy, new age hippies:

-On her relationship with Edwards and their daughter, Quinn: "I love Johnny and I love my daughter more than anything in the world, and I don't want to ever do anything to hurt them or hurt their relationship."

Except for having daddy pretend the li'l bastard didn't exist for those first few formative years, lest the child feel confused, unloved, or like a big, fat, life-destroying mistake or anything.

-On her use of "Johnny": "Isn't that funny? You know, when I first met him, the first week of our relationship, I said to him, 'For some reason I cannot call you John, it doesn't come out. Could I call you Johnny?' And he said, 'That's my name.' And I didn't know that, but that's his actual birth name."

Right next to his other God-given full Christian name, smug, cheating, lying, no-good rat bastard.

-On Edwards' support of her GQ interview: "He's very supportive of me talking now. He believes that it's something that will help me be at peace with it. And he knows how important truth is to me. Factual truth as well as spiritual truth."

Okay, fine just incredible orgasms truth.

-On rumors that she initially hit on Edwards: "I'm not a predator, I'm not a gold digger, I'm not the stalker. I didn't have any power in that way in our relationship. He held all the power."

Trust me, the dude literally OWNS her.

-On Edwards' interview with ABC News, in which he reaffirmed his love for his wife, Elizabeth: "[I]t was very painful. Because I had this thing in my head like a lot of women, where you want your man to stand up on a cliff and scream, 'I LOVE HER.' You know, the knight in shining armor. And that wasn't what was going on."

Eh, more like the knight in shining armor who plunges his sword of chivalry and honor right through your maiden heart before chucking your lifeless body off said cliff onto the craggy rocks 5,000 ft below.

-GQ: "Did he call you after the interview?"

-Hunter: "Yes. And I said, 'Ouch, that hurt.' And he said, 'I'm sorry.' And 'It doesn't mean anything.' And it didn't. I know he loves me. I have never had any doubt at all about that. We love each other very much. And that hasn't changed, and I believe that will be till death do us part. The love doesn't go away. It's unconditional. It's unconditional on my part, but our connection is profound. There's a lot of passion there."

About 25 pounds of sweet passion who goes by the name of Quinn.

-On why she thinks Edwards loves her: "Um. How do I answer that? [long pause] I mean, I could give so many answers. I could give a spiritual answer, that I reflect back to him large parts of himself that were unconscious. Like, he's a huge, huge humanitarian. He is very kindhearted and sweet. He's very honest and truthful. And all of that was hidden."

An angel disguised as a deceitful egomaniac with a God-complex, and penchant for $500 haircuts, Italian leather shoes, and wild extramarital sex with weirdo videographers.

-On Edwards's fall from grace: "Everyone talks about how Johnny has fallen from grace. In reality, he's fallen to grace. He is integrated. He is living a life of truth. He has grown in awareness and humility. He had all these things within him, but they weren't the guiding, leading principles of his life. Now they are."

He just had to insert himself deep within Rielle first.

-On their future together: "I have no idea. I do know that I will love him and that love is till death do us part, and probably beyond. We have a child together, so at the very least we will be co-parents together."

But probably closer to the "I have no idea" part.

-On Edwards telling Hunter of his marital problems with Elizabeth: "Well, I was aware of it from the get-go. He doesn't lie to me...He discloses everything to me. And he has no fear of lying to me...He's not afraid of me. He'll tell me anything and everything. Even disclosing to me when women hit on him, and everything that was said, and if he flirted. He has no fear that I'm going to abuse him...

"... And I believe what happened in his marriage is, he could not go to his wife and say, 'We have an issue.' Because he would be pummeled. ... Most of his mistakes or errors in judgment were because of his fear of the wrath of Elizabeth. He's allowed himself to be pushed into a lot of things that he wouldn't normally do because of Elizabeth's story line. And the spin that she wants to put out there. He was emasculated. And you know, the wrath of Elizabeth is a mighty wrath."

See, it's all that bitch with the cancer Elizabeth's fault.

-On her empathy for Elizabeth: "Oh, my God, I have such compassion for her. I really do. I mean, especially when you have terminal cancer...I watched my father die of cancer. It's heart-wrenching to me. But it's also sad to me, her unwillingness to take responsibility for her part in the marriage. And her unwillingness to face the truth. We're all slaves to our unconscious, but she really believes that it's everyone else's fault. And that's heart-wrenching to me, too."

And that's why I stole her hubby, made a baby with him, and refuse to crawl back into the dank, dark D-List Hollywood hole I came from.

-On how Elizabeth discovered the affair: "And she came into the room or he heard her coming, so he hung up the phone abruptly...And then she confronted him and confronted him, and he finally confessed. He didn't confess like she claims in her book. You know, that he came in on December 30 and confessed that it was a one-night stand. That whole one-night-stand thing is not true."

It was many one-night-stands over the course of many passionate, love-making months, God Damn it!

-On when the affair ended: "My stint as a mistress ended July 2008. And then our relationship evolved into something different. ... That was when the National Enquirer — the whole Beverly Hilton thing. That changed our relationship. It changed him; it changed everything. And my stint as a mistress ended. And I was and am happy about that."

I mean a person can only whore around for so long before she starts getting restless, and demands a little more respect than wham bam thank you ma'am.

-On Edwards as a father to their daughter: "Um...he's sweet. He's very loving...She calls him Da-da...She's always known who Da-da is. Yeah. She's never had Da-da missing from her life...He very much wants to be in her life full-time, and he doesn't want to hide."

Shhhhhhh, I think Quinn's coming. Quick, get under the bed, try not breathe too much, and whatever you do, keep your stinkin' trap shut!

-On her being called "kooky": "Kooky. I think that I can give someone kooky, you know? I'm not conventional, I don't fit into a box. But I am grounded. Don't mistake...I am very grounded. People also say I'm crazy. And there's no crazy about me. At all...Perception is projection. Like, for instance, Josh Brumberger, who said in Game Change that I was at the Regency dressed more appropriately for a Grateful Dead concert. Because from Josh's perspective, I seemed weird and wacky. In reality, I was wearing a black TSE cashmere sweater, a Kenneth Cole suede jacket, and jeans. But in his mind, I'm dressed to go to a Grateful Dead concert. Total projection!"

Just like how everyone thinks I'm a dirty, good-for-nothing homewrecking whore who may or not be totally insane, is 100 percent total projection. An illusion, like Elizabeth and Johnny's marriage.

-On a potential Hunter/Edwards wedding: "To date [laughs], we have not spoken about any wedding plans."

Oh you know Johnny, he's such a romantic, I'm sure he's planning our nuptials now...right after he figures out the best way to send me on a way-one trip to becoming one with the heavenly spirit that flows freely from our third eye out to the cosmos and back again, in sweet divine harmony.

-On Andrew Young initially claiming paternity of Edwards' child: "It was Andrew's idea. The first time Andrew said it, I was on the phone with Johnny, and Johnny was screaming at me about the National Enquirer finding me and photographing me. He was very angry. And Johnny doesn't scream. He's not a screamer. But he was screaming at me that day, and Andrew suggested, right then and there, 'Hey, tell him that I'll claim I'm the father.'"

And Johnny stopped shrieking and crying just long enough to say "good idea, Drew. You pretend to be the unstable asshole father and I'll pretend to be a presidential candidate."

-On an alleged sex tape: "I'd love to answer that. But I filed papers and we're in a lawsuit, and I just can't talk about it. [Having sought and won a temporary restraining order to prevent the distribution of the tape, Hunter is suing the Youngs for invasion of privacy.] But I do look forward to talking about it in court, under oath. The truth of all that will come out in court."

Let's just say Johnny knows a thing or two about what women want. Trashy, sleazy home-wrecking hell women. It's like he almost is one of them.

-On the National Enquirer's Pulitzer potential: "To me it shows, as a society, how cut off from the truth we are, that a magazine that pays their sources and every once in a while gets something factually correct is now eligible for a Pulitzer. Wow, we're all going to hell."

No, just you and your angel-in-disguise soulmate Johnny!

-On what she would have done differently: "The only big thing that sticks out is, I never would have gone along with Andrew Young claiming paternity. I would have stood up to that and said, 'Absolutely not. I don't care what the consequences are, I'm done.'"

Well, actually that's not the only thing that sticks out, but I am a respectable woman, and mama always said a real lady never kiss and tells.

-On knowing the very first night that you were something special to him: "I did know, yes. I did know the first night. We had an extraordinary night, and I did know that this was unlike anything either of us had ever experienced. And as we have all learned, that was accurate! [laughs] He in fact did say to me the first night, "Falling in love with you could really fuck up my plans for becoming President."

On the other hand, fucking you is a sure-fire path to the presidency.

To which Rielle of course said, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."

Or just have Him spend some alone time with Rielle.

It's great for relieving tension. When you're with her, it's like the weight of the world just sort of washes away, right along with your judgment, dignity, self-respect, marriage, and any chances of being the next great commander-in-chief to catch a couple BJs in the Oval Office by someone other than the wifey.

It's called respect.

Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee, Lousy With Virginity...

Salty New York Rep. Eric Massa Resigns Due To Either Real Cancer Or Gay Cancer

Uh-Oh, another one bites the dust.

Now, normally when you hear a congressman has decided to call it quits amid a sordid sex scandal, one naturally assumes that for a Republican this likely means a little same-sex monkey business, while for a Democrat, more likely than not it involves the good kind of infidelity, namely the non-gay kind.

Not so, my friends!

Thanks to Rep. Eric Massa (D-N.Y.), this blanket stereotype just won't do anymore! Or will it??

Turns out, the freshman Representative will not seek re-election, after only one term in office in light of allegations that the congressman, who is married with two children, "sexually harassed a male staffer."

Which is crazy because everyone knows Massa is one of the most liberal Congressman, which means it was already basically public record that this guy loooves gays and poors. The dude even wants a single-payer health care for Christ's sake, which is the kind when white people are all rounded up by Obama's death squads and sent to the gulag where they will be randomly experimented on before being disposed of in the least cost-effective way possible.

But apparently, not everyone is sold on the "whole harassed a male staffer" thing being reported by Politico, with another source, CQ Politics, saying that Massa is "is leaving because of a recurrence of cancer."

Well, which one is it, cancer or gay?

Massa denied that any allegations of misconduct have been brought against him, saying, "When someone makes a decision to leave Congress, everybody says everything. I have health issues. I'll talk about it [later]."

Massa explained that he'd been hospitalized in December with a third "cancer scare," admitting he'd withheld this information from his staff.

"I kept this private, and I told only members of my immediate family. I did not tell my staff," Massa said.

With rumors of his gayness swirling, Massa blasted the press, calling the reports" unsubstantiated without fact or backing" and "a symptom of what's wrong with this city."

"Do I or have I ever used salty language especially when I'm angry, in the privacy of my inner office or at home? Yes I have and I've apologized where it's appropriate," Massa explained.

"I made my statement. The allegations are totally false. I'm a salty old sailor. That's that," Massa said.

Of course, aside from high sodium levels, the former U.S. Navy officer did suffer from non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma while serving as the Special Assistant to NATO Commander General Wesley Clark during the Bosnian conflict, but returned to the U.S. to undergo treatment, survived, and was thought to be completely cured.

Of cancer that is. The gay must have come back.

But either way Massa won't be back for a second term, instead taking time to fight whatever disease is currently rampaging through his body.

Cancer, gay, I mean, is there really a difference? At a certain point, aren't we just splitting hairs here?

The Never-Ending Charms Of Silvio Berlusconi, Italian Sex God

Infamous lady killer and Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi took a break from his busy schedule of humping meter maids and hosting wild sex parties with young supermodels to defend himself against yet another excruciatingly embarrassing sex scandal--a leaked audio recording of him sweet talking a prostitute right after he finished having his way with her.

The recordings were secretly made by blonde high class call girl Patrizia D'Addario, 42, after she spent two nights at Berlusconi's official residence and unofficial underage sex palace in Rome, Palazzo Grazioli.

While Berlusconi admits he is "no saint," the prime minister denied claims that he'd slept with D'Addario, saying he does not understand how "people could pay for sex without the thrill of the conquest." Of course he doesn't!

The recordings, which were made on D'Addario's mobile telephone, begins with the woman who he did not have sex with telling the prime minister that a young man "would have already come in a second."

After a voice which sounds uncannily like Berlusconi's says "the problem, in my opinion, is a family one", D'Addario asks: "You know how long it is since I had sex the way I had it with you tonight?" She then proceeds to answer her own question, saying, "Months. Not since I left my man. Is [that] normal?"

His reply? "If I may, you ought to have sex by yourself. You ought to touch yourself with a certain frequency."

Always the gentleman that Silvio! With advice like that, he should really start his own Dear Abby column. How hard can it be when you already own half the media--and half the women--in all of Italy?

What Happens In Vegas, Stays In Vegas?

No Foot Tapping, Just Some Old-Fashioned Cheating!

Look on the bright side Republicans, at least Nevada Sen. John Ensign's torrid extra-marital affair was with a young female staffer on his payroll, not an anonymous cop in the Minneapolis airport men's restroom. Congratulations!

Turns out, Johnny boy wasn't even messing around behind his wife's back, since all this monkey business didn't happen until after he was already separated from his lovely wife Darlene, who you'll be happy to know, still "loves" her no-good, cheating scoundrel of a husband very much.

While Ensign's marriage may have become "stronger" after his little sexual indiscretion, his presidential aspirations unfortunately haven't fared quite as well.

Confessed just two weeks after a visit to the Republican presidential-primary state of Iowa, Ensign’s affair not only strips him of his leadership status in the Senate and 2012 White House hopes, but perhaps more importantly, undermines his conservative street cred as a fervent crusader against homosinuality, intercourse, and fun of any kind.

Before he let his man muscle ruin his life and status as the GOP's Great White Hope, 51-year-old Ensign was on the fast-track for success, with his holier-than-thou, hard-right voting record earning him a 100 percent rating from the Christian Coalition.

A born-again Christian and member of the Promise Keepers, a Christian evangelical ministry that emphasizes traditional family values, Ensign is known for his zero-tolerance policy towards sexual indiscretions, starting with his demands for President Clinton to resign after admitting to catching a couple of BJ's in the Oval Office.

Mr. Perfect over here also led the charge to oust disgraced Republican Senator Larry Craig from the Senate after he pleaded guilty to soliciting gay sex (gasp!) from an undercover cop in the infamous homo bathhouse known as the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport men's room.

However, Mr. Morality Police Ensign, made no such resignation demands of fellow scumball, Louisiana Republican Sen. David Vitter, after confessing to an affair with a high-priced prostitute, since his sordid sex romp was with an of-age female whore not a burly man cop pretending to be a gay. Duh!

Everyone knows extra-marital sexcapades are only acceptable when it doesn't involve a Democrat, teenage Senate pages, or same-sex abominations before God. It's the Golden Rule!

This Is One Bizarre Love Triangle We Could've Done Without

Umm, yeah, this is gonna be awkward. So I'm just gonna go ahead and save you the suspense: It's his kid.

You already know pretty boy family man John Edwards was running around screwing some broad--er make that his mistress--while he ran for president of the world and his wife battled cancer. He's just that kind of guy. So is it really that crazy to think that after endless romps in the sack, one of his li'l guys managed to squiggle in and implant itself in Rielle's fertile womb?

Who knows. Maybe Rielle is sluttier than we thought and goes around banging more than rich, smug politicians from one of the Carolinas.

I, for one, am not going to pretend to be an expert on the sexual exploits of a certain Rielle Hunter, aka Lisa Jo Druck, Lisa Hunter, Lisa Jo Hunter, Rielle Jaya James Druck. All I know is her and Johnny were going at it for quite some time when Miss Hunter suddenly found herself preggers with an anonymous love child, sworn to secrecy and whisked away to sunny California.

Either way this ends, I have a feeling wifey Elizabeth isn't going to be pleased. And something tells me John Edwards' presidential aspirations aren't getting any brighter. Not that they were so hot before this little faux pas.

I don't know. Something about this southern gentleman and his $400 dollar hair cuts just never really felt right. Almost as if it were too good to be true.

Congressman, Sex Scandals, And Florida, Oh My!

Rep. Tim Mahoney And The Woman/Thing He Was Banging

Sex scandals do not discriminate. That's right. As long as you happen to be a politician from the state of Florida, you are fair game. I don't know what it is, either. Maybe it's the hot, steamy weather, round juicy oranges, or disproportionate number of old people that revs up one's sexual appetite.

Whatever the culprit, one thing is for certain: If you are a politician representing the Sunshine State, chances are your overactive libido will eventually be your downfall.

For the second consecutive election year, West Palm Beach--the sex-scandal capital of America--titillates the good citizens of this country with a sordid story of a fallen congressman.

First, it was Republican Congressman Mark Foley, who in 2006, honored his oath of elected office by soliciting sex (and not just any sex, but gay sex) from teenage boys working as congressional pages.

After Foley's disgraceful exit and subsequent coming out of the closet, the congressional seat was basically open for the taking to anyone with a pulse and the ability to control their homosexual/pedophile urges.

Enter Florida Democrat Tim Mahoney, whose only real challenge after the Foley debacle, was to basically keep it in his pants. But alas, that proved to be too much to ask of the man.

The same man who waltzed into office using campaign ads featuring a picture of him with his wife, Terry, and the line, "Restoring America's Values Begins at Home."

A promise he kept by giving a campaign job and $121,000 in hush money to the mistress he was so honorably banging while working hard to bring dignity and morality back to the sex-ravaged district.